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aintwoke · 5 years

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Semi colon tattoo;

Fret not my little ones, don't let the title scare you, I'm yet to disfigure my physique with ink...my fat has that covered.

I started writing this entry years ago and i feel like it's about time i finished this line of thought. The original note is somewhere in my iCloud but my phone screen cracked, the people fixing it did a shit job, and as at the time of writing this my iPhone is unusable hence no access to the note. But i sort of remember the gist.

It has been years since i first wanted to get a tattoo. I was young and thought they were cool. So a pal who is an artist offered to ink me at a discount but given he was starting off in the trade; I wasn’t about to be anybody’s experiment so i lied I’d changed my mind.

I like wolves, i love the nature of the wolf, and we share a fascination towards the full moon. But i know i can't have one as a pet because of the same thing that draws me to them, they can't be tamed. Well, maybe over 100 thousand years of selective breeding, but i digress.

The type of tattoo i wanted was a wolf. Back then life hadn't beaten down and thrown me into the junkyard of my dreams. I had fire in me. I was wild, free, the world was laid out in front of me. I still have the design in my old laptop; I'll update the post when i retrieve it.

The only problem back then was that getting a good tattoo artist was expensive. Most artists only had that one colour...black and i didn't understand why because I’d seen on TV that multicoloured shades were possible. It also happened that I was trying to assemble a gaming pc so using my money to get a one shade tat wouldn't have been the most prudent use of my money. Plus i still cared what my folks would think if i got one.

A few years later i had the money but lacked the motivation. Questions kept going through my head. Why do you want to do this to yourself? What will you achieve by getting it? Also, the wolf design looked lame. Where could i put it even? On my chest? Sidenote: i had pecs at that time. Trying to draw any tattoo on my chest right now with my man boobs and all would be like sculpting mud, or moist bread...not the crust.

Years later, after life had spiralled and I'd hit rock bottom i thought of it again. I do want a tattoo, but i want it to have meaning, not something fickle like a wolf whose meaning to me it at most very shallow. Yes, i still harbour the need to be unchecked and free, but I'm also more.

I almost got a semi colon tattoo on my wrist. Why my wrist? Because I'd always be conscious of it and remember i went through depression and survived. I'm glad i didn't, but it's not because i think it's a fad.

Each time i see anyone with a semicolon tattoo i identify with them. I understand the constant battle they've gone through in their minds. The shadow in your life that is so unbearable the mind removes it completely from your consciousness unless someone asks about it and forces you to recall. And that is also the reason i never got a semicolon tattoo.

That and the fact that i used to donate blood and apparently you can't give blood when you have a tattoo. Others day you shouldn't give blood for up to a year. The reasons I've seen is apparently the needles contribute to the spread of hepatitis. Which is a reasonable explanation. Haven't done enough research recently, so I'm not sure that's still the case.

Anyway, i was saying...

No, i don't want the first thing i see when i look down my hand to be that reminder of a part of me that absolutely terrifies me. Just the thought of it happening again and all the years i lost can induce an anxiety attack.

I want a tattoo that reminds me of what i love, what keeps me going, what keeps the fire burning. I don't want a reminder of the odd nights when I still go to a dark place.

And when I do, i want something that reminds me about choices. That the tattoo was a choice, the world didn't force it upon me, that it wasn't an impulse symptomatic of a sick mind. It was me, i made that choice to leave a reminder on myself that the dark moments go away.

I want something bold and brazen. Not in your face enough to sabotage my career, but nevertheless significant. I want something that symbolises who I am, my dreams, my achievements, my thirst and passion for life.

I want something that goes across one side of my chest and halfway down to the elbow of the corresponding hand, like an iceberg with only a small part exposed to the world; and like me, only those prepared to take the dive will ever get to see the full depth of who i am.

I want the lines to follow and blend with the muscle striation beneath the skin, to remind me that at the end of the day I'm just but a human, and sway like sea plants, tugged and soothed by the ocean currents of life.

I don't want a face or words, just symbols. I want a street hidden in plain sight. I want Zen. Nothing that would scare kids and repulse everyone else. I want it to arouse curiosity and meaning.

Ultimately, regardless of whether i die days from now or in 50 years, i want to remind everyone that i lived my best life in full disregard of the cards i was dealt. That fullstops, semicolons, commas and other punctuations are just pauses.

The story is in the experiences that can't be expressed using words.

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