#my opinion might change later on when reading other ppls thoughts on this episode but for now this is how i feel

[ravenaveira]

#73

Ok....todays Boruto episode was just...

There were just so many problems I had with this ep that I just...

I...I cant even right now, I’ll just list the things I didnt like or am just wtf about

Why was Karin there? minor fanservice I assume bit still that little interaction between her and Sarada just felt I donno...awkward? I guess

Why is Suigetsu acting respectful towards Orochimaru all of a sudden? didnt he hate this man? I know they on house arrest together but come on this dude had you naked in a tube unwillingly and did experiments on you I’d think there’d still be some resentment but I guess not

Didnt Boruto and Sarada only JUST FIND OUT Mitsuki was a clone in the manga? but in the anime they made it now instead? isnt this a filler arc? or is it canon? and if it is then what are they gonna do when they get to that part in the manga? skip it? change it? so many questions!

Ms Karin? I cant tell if Sarada was just being respectful or not but it seemed to be a little too familiar for someone she’s never met and thought her dad cheated with so did they have some off screen meeting that we dont know about or what? I’ll just assume when Suigetsu brought her her new glasses he explained everything and their just cool now which makes no sense but I’ll roll with it

Orochimaru being vague again....shocker

Why is the fact that Orochimaru killed Konohamaru’s grandfather only just being addressed? wasnt he friggin filming Orochimaru in Konoha Hiden? did I miss something? does he just pick and choose when to be pissed about that? was it a error by the studio? who friggin knows at this point

Naruto giving Konohamaru the Hiruzen to Iruka speech but Hiruzen did it 10x better, maybe its just me but Naruto really handled this whole Mitsuki Konohamaru situation poorly, atleast Iruka knew who Naruto was from the start and had the choice whether or not to forgive him despite that while Konohamaru didnt even get the courtesy of that and had to find out at the worst possible time in the worst possible way

In the Sasuke retrieval arc the excuse for why they sent genin instead of jonin is because most of them were out on missions or busy at the time, whats the excuse here? sure they have ONE jonin which is Moegi but still instead of Shikadai Inojin and Chocho wouldnt it be better if it were just all jonin with her instead of genin? I mean you got the 7th hokage’s son and Sasuke Uchiha’s daughter I’d think a little extra caution is warranted considering everyone knows Boruto took down a god even if it was with help, and Sarada with her Sharingan and monster strength? definitely underestimated, and why Moegi of all people? couldnt they send a much more experienced jonin then that?

Ok last ones just a little nit picky so ignore that its no big deal but worth mentioning anyway

Seriously this episode just had me all over the friggin place and Im still tryin to process it all...

Bonus - Yamato said he was going to look around Orochimaru’s lair so does that mean hes gonna see the Mitsuki room? matter of fact shouldnt he have seen it already if he does routine checks on him? if so then does that mean Yamato’s just...ok with this? cuz Naruto’s aware of this too and doesnt care so is this just like ok now?

Bonus 2 - Orochimaru basically put a bomb inside his son to explode if his secrets are ever at risk of getting out....what? I never thought Orochimaru was a good dad nor did I ever trust him and something like this Is not surprising to me that Orochimaru would do but...got danm thats cruel, Orochimaru’s done some cruel shit in the past but this is his own friggin kid you’d think he’d atleast be a LITTLE less fucked up but I guess not, all the more reason not to ever trust his ass in the future

I...I just cant with this ep right now...it was a decent episode besides all the fuck shit and I’d give it a 7/10 based on that but everything else I just...I just cant

[shelobussy]

Ohmygod YES Susan Pevensie is awesome please talk to me about Susan i want to know everything you have to say

Literally THANK YOU for asking me this bc Susan Pevensie is a character I never get asked about and I have So Many Opinions.

I'm going to start by saying that Susan used to be my least favorite character in the series. This goes for the books and the movies. Some of it was for personal reasons--she reminds me of a couple of annoying ppl I know irl--but it was also bc I watched Prince Caspian which shoehorned her into a relationship with Caspian which I hated.

HOWEVER. I ended up rethinking this position after interacting with Susan fans and realizing that there are so many wonderful things to love about her!

(putting under the cut bc this got long)

Things Ash Loves About Susan Pevensie

Aight I'm not going to do a formal analysis yet on her, but instead rant about some of the unrelated things I adore about Susan Pevensie.

Susan the Archer

Look we all love archery here. I don't have anything more to say.

Okay, I actually do have more to say. I love the fact that Susan is a complete badass with the bow. You get the general impression that she's one of the royals in charge of public relations, traditions, foreign policy, etc. and yet she's the most competent archer in the series. One of the few things I liked about the movies is how they didn't downplay this. They actually let her be a badass and show off her skills.

Also the part where she kicks Trumpkin's ass was awesome.

Susan the Gentle

Susan being the most passive Pevensie was something I definitely underappreciated as a teenager. I think my non-ability to see past "I'm not like other girls" narrative and the combination of Susan being described as the most traditionally feminine woman in the Narnia series is what initially turned me off from her.

HOWEVER, now it's one of my favorite attributes! I love that Susan is a badass and the most beautiful woman in Narnia. She has hair down to her feet, every man and woman in the kingdom want to fuck her, and she's still a fucking badass who will not hesitate to kick your ass.

Susan the Sister

Most of my thoughts of Susan as an older sister mostly stem from my own personal headcanons, but she is an awesome sister to her siblings. She's Peter's voice of reason, Edmund's sass partner, and Lucy's big sister.

Susan the Mom-Friend

She is a literal mother-figure for Corin.

"[...] the most beautiful lady he had ever seen rose from her place and threw her arms round him and kissed him, saying: "Oh Corin, Corin, how could you? And thou and I such close friends ever since thy mother died. [...]"

-The Horse and His Boy, 33-34

Most everything I have to say about this ventures into headcanon territory, but I love the idea of Susan basically adopting Corin after his mom dies. The way she trusts Cor--who she thinks is Corin in this chapter--is really sweet and I wish we could've seen more of that relationship.

Susan the Flawed

Something I notice from the fandom is a lot of people who hate Susan tend to because of her flaws. On the other hand, most Susan stans like to wave away these flaws and blame C.S. Lewis for being misogynistic or Aslan for being a "cruel god" and ignore the fact that she is a deeply flawed person.

Susan gets something of a "reverse redemption arc" in The Chronicles of Narnia. This makes her not only a fascinating foil to Edmund--as both are analytical, logical people--but an interesting character by herself.

She starts out in TWW as very skeptical of Narnia and it's whole deal and also very condescending to Lucy throughout. She ultimately does admit that Lucy was right and does get on board with the whole prophecy at the same time Peter does, and ends the book being crowned "the Gentle Queen."

In The Horse and His Boy, she has a very interesting dynamic with Edmund and in even more interesting relationship with Rabadash. They don't even interact on-page with each other, but it's highly implied that she was interested in him when he was a guest in Narnia. His behavior obviously changed when she visited him in Tashbaan, but you have to wonder what their dynamic was like before for her to travel all the way to his home when relations between the countries were strained at best.

Prince Caspian is where the cracks start showing through. Susan has lived an entire life as an adult in Narnia, gets thrown back to England with her siblings, and is yet again in Narnia as a child. This book is what really emphasizes her one fatal flaw: convenience.

(Put a pin in that thought, I'll get back to it.)

Susan denies once again that Lucy saw something that the rest of them can't seen. She continues this narrative until every other sibling finally acknowledges Lucy in the right and only then does she apologize.

The last mention of Susan is in The Last Battle, where all of her flaws rise up against her in the worst way possible. I have a lot of controversial opinions on this that I'm going to address later, but I just want to say that Susan's reverse-redemption arc is something I actually like about her.

(There is also evidence that Susan does get a full redemption arc, just as Edmund and Eustace did, but C.S. Lewis was pretty much done with The Chronicles of Narnia at the point and instead encouraged fans to write their own version of how that went down.)

Okay, back to convenience being Susan's fatal flaw. So the one thing that comes up time and time again in the series is that Susan is very focused on material comforts. I believe it's implied that she's vain, and it's canonical that her own personal comfort spurs her to make decisions.

"[...] I really believed it was him — he, I mean — yesterday. When he warned us not to go down to the fir wood. And I really believed it was him tonight, when you woke us up. I mean, deep down inside. Or I could have, if I'd let myself. But I just wanted to get out of the woods and — and — oh, I don't know [...]"

Prince Caspian, 81

Prince Caspian has the strongest examples of Susan doing this, but certainly there's evidence elsewhere. There are a lot of fans who are distressed by this, claiming that Aslan and the others are too hard on her and shouldn't judge.

Honestly, I like that she's written with this flaw. Not only is it very relatable--(my own personal comfort and convenience is something I highly prioritize too)--but it humanizes a character who otherwise is ridiculously op and basically the Helen of Troy of the series. It may sound like I'm using this as an excuse to rant, but I really wouldn't have her any other way.

Susan As Portrayed by Anna Popplewell

Movie!Susan is a fucking delight.

She's sarcastic and badass and awesome and I could spend hours heaping praise on Anna's acting and her portrayal of Susan, but I can already tell that this post is going to be long so, I'll just stop here.

(10/10 want to be stabbed by her tho.)

Personal Headcanons

Let's talk about my fanon thoughts. I have many.

Susan is Aro

There's canonical evidence for this! Susan is a character who is heavily pursued by suitors everywhere, and even lets herself be courted by many of them, but chooses not to settle down. Even when she gets back to England and is described as only having interest in parties and material things, boys aren't mentioned.

I like to think that in The Horse in His Boy Susan was interested in Rabadash at first because he was a brilliant conversationalist. Nothing she says about him implies romantic interest, before and after she realizes the truth of his intentions.

Susan and Edmund Were Best Friends

This might be my love for The Horse and His Boy showing itself, but I think Susan and Edmund were thrown into circumstances where they interacted the most with each other.

Edmund is the ruler in charge of politics. Susan is the ruler in charge of Cair Paravel's public image. I imagine they spent time as ambassadors to other countries and planning royal functions.

They're also the most level-headed and logical out of their siblings, so they probably found a lot in common.

Susan Fancast

I literally just said I loved Anna's potrayal of Susan's (and I love what they gave us of older Susan too in LWW!), but I read the books in 2008 and my parents didn't let me see the movies bc I was like...nine years old and they thought it would be too scary.

So I had to headcanon my own interpretations.

Queen Susan the Gentle:

For some reason Merlin wasn't too scary for me to watch and I fell in love with Katie McGrath in like. Two episodes so. (On an unrelated note, I also fancast Bradley James as Peter at the time.)

Anyway, fanon Susan is basically Morgana Pendragon pre-evil arc. Sassy as hell, hot as fuck, and can kick your ass.

Unpopular Opinions

Yeah, feel free to skip this part if having controversial fandom opinions is a deal breaker for you.

The Problem With Susan Isn't Actually A Problem

I'm about to start so much discourse in the Narnia fandom, but C.S. Lewis's choices with her in The Last Battle weren't misogynistic. Bear in mind, I'm not saying that all of his writing choices in the series were A++ or excusing away certain racist/sexiest bits, but it's honestly baffling to me that people are so up in arms over Susan's exclusion in the final book.

So the part that everyone loses their shit over is as follows:

"My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia."

"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'"

"Oh Susan!" said Jill, "she's interested in nothing now-a-days except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up."

"Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can."

The Last Battle, 83-84

There's a lot to unpack here and I first want to say that everyone's opinion on this part, no matter how different than mine, is valid. I'm going to be quoting some other ppl's opinions on here and by no means am I bashing them. I just want to address my feelings on the matter and the best way to do that is to cite the thoughts of ppl who have opposing ideas.

Here are some arguments on Tumblr I've heard regarding "The Problem of Susan":

"How about we talk about what might have happened if Narnia hadn't deserted Susan? [...] What if we didn't tell Susan she had to go grow up in her own world and then shame and punish her for doing just that? She was told to walk away and she went. She did not try to stay a child all her life, wishing for something she had been told she couldn't have again."

"Narnia is filled with metaphors (often not very subtle ones) that are supposed to teach us how to be, and the most glaring one for any young girl to absorb is that it's okay to be a girl like Lucy, unthreatening and cheerful and valiant and faithful, but to be a girl like Susan gets you punished - in fact, you aren't just punished, you're destroyed."

"why do we call it ‘the problem’ where’s the problem about a young woman dealing with her trauma and choosing her own path, actively making the choice to keep living and to stay and to carve a life out in England when her siblings couldn’t? what is the problem about susan forgetting to somehow cope with what she’s experienced? why is it ‘the problem of susan’ that she recontextualised her faith?"

And then there's JK Rowling who said this:

There comes a point where Susan, who was the older girl, is lost to Narnia because she becomes interested in lipstick. She's become irreligious basically because she found sex. I have a big problem with that.

It's weird how I'm still finding new ways to hate JKR in the year 2021. Again, there is absolutely zero implication that Susan had sex when she came back to England. ZERO. Did she actually read the books? IDK. If someone shares this opinion pls reply with actual canonical evidence.

Back on topic, I'm a firm believer of death of the author and interpreting art via your own experiences. Which is why I'm also going to share my own interpretation by saying y'all are wrong.

Susan Pevensie was not abandoned by Narnia. She was not barred from Narnia because she is traditionally feminine or because she "owned her sexuality" (another opinion I didn't have time to condense down for this post) or because she recontextualized her faith or even because she deserved to be punished.

I also fail to see how Susan recontexualized her faith, as the entire point of it all is that she has none. Bringing this back to Susan's fatal flaw (personal convenience/material comforts), her prioritizing herself over her own faith is the reason she is "no longer a friend of Narnia." Not...whatever fanon y'all are imposing on her character.

Susan is not being punished for liking lipstick and looking pretty. Susan's not even being punished. Y'all read Neil Gaiman's The Problem of Susan and forgot it wasn't canon.

There are many reasons Susan is not in Aslan's Country (one of them being that she's not actually dead yet), but the main one has to do with this:

"[...] But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

Voyage of the Dawn Treader, 215-216

Yeah, okay that's why Susan is no longer a friend of Narnia. The implication when the Pevensies are told that they can no longer enter Narnia is that they are to find Aslan in other places. Susan doesn't do this, instead choosing to focus her life on material things. It isn't the lipstick, it's that she only wants the lipstick.

Susan Had Sex In The Books

Oh and not in the context y'all are thinking. (Again, there are no implications that Susan was barred from Narnia for having sex or that she had sex when she came back to England.)

So there's actual canonical evidence that Susan and Rabadash had a sexual relationship. Sort of.

"What think you? We have been in this city fully three weeks. Have you yet settled in your mind whether you will marry this dark-faced lover of yours, this Prince Rabadash, or no?"

-The Horse and His Boy, 35

Edmund calls Rabadash her lover. Not her suitor. I don't know if the word had a different meaning in 1954, but it feels like C.S. Lewis is saying that they're fucking. I'm not really happy with the idea of Susan sleeping with an abuser, but really proud of her for Getting Some as a woman born in a time period where having premarital sex was a big no-no.

This also invalidates the weird opinion going on that Susan was barred from Narnia because she had sex.

Suspian Is The Worst

I haven't really talked about Movie!Susan much, but as long as we're talking unpopular opinions, it's worth noting that I hate Suspian. Some of it is the "Susan is Aro" headcanon screaming inside of me, but it's also the fact that it's written poorly, does nothing interesting for either character and generally comes across as awkward.

I feel like they were trying to make Prince Caspian sexy and relevant to teens. It came across as super heteronormative and unnecessary.

It also gets really really weird bc the next movie then gives Caspian and Edmund mad chemistry and we're all just like........ok.

Final Thoughts

Susan may not be my favorite character in the series, but she's grown on me over the years. I have many issues with fanon interpretations of her--which definately fueled some of my disdain for her initally--and I don't identify as a Susan Apologist.

I do however adore Susan and have many headcanons for her not mentioned here. I love reading fanfic, writing fanfic and meta, and generally having conversations about her and would love to talk more about it.

I welcome criticism (CONSTRUCTIVE) and conversation on all of my opinions and observations. Please drop into my inbox. <3

[szopenhauer]

Last thing that made you go “aww!” probably a dog I saw 

Is a crow’s caw annoying to you? hmm... not usually, no

Do you enjoy jazz music? one song, when there’s another and more I get sick :x  

Do you like the topaz birthstone? no What are your thoughts on gas prices? I don’t drive so no idea  Are you an ass? can be Have you ever caught any fish while fishing before? I never went fishing nor want to Do you attend Mass? I listen to the mass online every Sunday even though it annoys me and I can’t focus much What was your favorite class in school? can’t decide, depends on the grade/school/teacher etc. Are you full of sass? I’m not Grav3yardgirl

Do you like razzamatazz ice cream? dunno what that is How often do you pass gas? in the morning - a lot, later - not at all unless I have a flare  Do you have a favorite mug/cup/glass? I use those that I like less because I am afraid I will break those I love lmfao Name anything you own that is made of brass. I don’t think I own anything like that even tho brass is cool, I hate copper tho Does your grass need to be cut right now? I like it long, atural *wink wink* Would you like to live in a castle? Why or why not? too much space to take - that’s unfair as some ppl are homeless and nautre should be more free, it’s also too much space to clean and... to get lost in lol

Do you own a car? What kind? I don’t as I already mentioned I don’t drive

Did you live far from your parents, or close by? I live with them, still

Is it easy or difficult for you to open a jar? depends

Tell us how you got one of your scars. fallen from a clothes horse on a piece of wood and scratched deeply my left leg, wound was full of splinters

Do you wish upon a star? it doesn’t work, I tried...

Have you ever smoked a cigar before? nope, just a cigarette and didn’t like it

Would you ever have boudoir photography taken of yourself? Why or why not? hmm...

Do you know how to play the guitar? If not, would you like to learn? tried and it’s not for me

Have you ever had caviar before? Did you like it? I wouldn’t try that, gross and expensive for such a small amount of food

How old were you when you had your first kiss? 18 or 19

Miss anyone right now? sure

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone? could say so

Have you ever cheated on a partner? nooo

Ever been cheated on? kind of

Do you have a friend who you think you’ll be best friends with forever? my dad I hope

Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? very

What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? I usually don’t recommend anything to anyone without knowing them and their taste first

Are you anticipating or dreading anything? some things both at the same time even

What`s the most annoying thing in the world? can’t choose only one thing

When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? never

What does your bedside lamp look like? I have a green night light, used to have a mushroom one but I can’t find a light bulb to replace 

What did you last take a photograph of? I took several today but the last one was of the wild flowers growing near my fence 

When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? today, my camera didn’t want to cooperate, not even mentioning my computer and cellphone failing me constantly

What was the last funny thing someone said to you? I don’t remember what was last, I know I said some dry/daddy jokes/puns myself

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? I don’t remember but I know I do that differently than everybody else in my family 

Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? badly, just my own apartment 

What’s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? hmm... dunno

Do you like your neighbours? some I hate

Does your room need to be cleaned? absolutely

Do you have a good relationship with your family? it’s complicated, depends on the family member, my father is my best friend tho

What is something people are surprised to hear about you? the truth? *shrug*

Do you hate any particular groups of people? yup but won’t list them in here

Do you fall up or down stairs usually? I don’t fall often enough to compare

Do you constantly break things? (By mistake or otherwise) luckily not

What was the last bug you saw? plenty of bugs this day

Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? basically all of them make me feel nauseous

Do you have anything unusual in your bag? I suppose

What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? don’t think I have one, some I don’t use at all tho

Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? Lisa I think

Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? sorta

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? maybe How do you make your money? I use my parents money for now :( sometimes I sell my belongings 

What color are your eyes? hazel?

How tall are you? 156 cm short

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep? sleep

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? mom, besides eyes

How long does it take you to shower? about half an hour?

Are you flexible? in a weird way

Can you speak any other language than English? polish, a bit of russian and used to know Braille’a

What is the last letter of your middle name? I have no middle name, just confirmation one 

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?: yes

Are you scared of flying? not crashing but smells and noise and puking etc.

What do you sleep in? pajama Who was the last person you kissed? @muziasta​ 

What jewelry do you wear all the time? recently necklace I got from my gf

Is the last person you kissed older than you? younger, almost 2 months hahaha

Do you have a favorite item of clothing? I like most of my clothes

Last movie you saw in theaters? last time I was in cinema I still attend high school, not a fan of that place

What was last thing you drank? water

Are you left handed? am not

What is the last thing you thought about? lots of stuff

Do you want to get married & have children one day? I don’t want any kids!

What is the most recent gift you’ve been given? a mug Did I just roll my eyes out loud Is what you’re wearing comfortable? why not?

Did you leave the house today? twice

Are there bumper stickers on your car? if I had a car...

Are you watching tv right now? What? I didn’t watch TV for months

Do you have a job? not currently

Have you ever shot a gun? in middle school

What do your parents do for a living? my mom is retired and my dad is a guard

Have you ever had a pet that had babies? noooo

What color is the blanket on your bed? blue and yellow with sun and moon

What are your parent’s middle names? they don’t have those

Have you ever broken a bone? just my nose?

Do you wear lasses? nope

What color are they? -

Are you currently reading a book? finished one and didn’t start another yet

When did you last get your blood drawn? not that long time ago

How many contacts are in your phone? about 5

What things do you take with you everywhere? that’s personal

Do you know someone that is/was over 100 years old? nah

Do you own any rings? yeah

Could you list all 50 states? no way

What internet browser do you use? Opera

Do you know someone that’s missing a limb? there’s this guy that sometimes takes a bus with me and he has no leg but that’s all

Are you a bad person? possibly

What was the last swear you said? not sure which was last, I say way too many for my own good :x

Have you ever called the police on someone? not me but my parents, also fire department 

What is the most amount of pets you’ve had at one time? 2

When did you last check your email? last week

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? few times

How long is your hair? short

Do you lock your doors at night? of course

Does your bedroom have a lock? sadly not

How big is your bed? smol

Do you know someone that was murdered? not personally 

Do you know someone who’s pregnant not now

Do you wear a watch? no

How much jewelry do you own? too much for how often I wear it

Have you ever gotten x-rays? shitload 

Do you wear gloves in the winter? fingerless

Do you consider yourself smart? in a way, I might be

Are your teeth straight? they’re not 

Do you own a bike? push scooter but I plan to buy a bike of some sort this summer

Are you taller than your mom? I am :D

Have you ever been engaged? I have not

What, in your opinion, is the ugliest name? many are to me, especially those I relate to certain enemies

Have you ever come up with your own idea for an app? of a game 

Do you remember to put the caps back on your pens? what for? 

When’s the last time you sat on someone else’s lap? this week

Do you take naps often? once in a few months

Do you like to listen to rap? meh

Do you prefer gift wrap or gift bags? gift bags, gift paper annoys me and it’s worthless

What chore do you wish you could get done just by snapping your fingers? all of them? XD

Have you ever done tap dancing before? pretend

Have you ever felt trapped? always?...

Has a strap on your bag ever broken before? it started to so I changed it

Do you watch episode recaps, or skip ahead? skip

Do you know anyone who owns a Venus flytrap plant? my (now ex) friend wanted to, they’re interesting but you have to clean them and I’m not fond of picking up dead flies, yuk

Do you drink water out of the tap, or does it have to be bottled? bottled or I boil it

[parapluiepliant]

I'm a writer who's been less active this year for a few reasons. S4 wasn't as gripping as previous finales, left us in a limiting place: only story is a reunion story. The show also seems to have changed from optimistic to pessimistic. On top of that, the policing of fandom content is so intense here that nobody writes interesting or ambitious stuff. Everything is vanilla AU all the time. Its intimidating to take risks if ppl only want to read stuff based on a warped fluff version of bellarke.

Hi nonny! :)

First, I want to apologize that it took me longer than Ianticipated to answer you but working my first night shift everknocked me out like a candle in the wind afterwards.

And now, without further ado, back to your ask:

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel as inspired as you usedto after previous seasons and I know that it mirrors the fandom'soverall sentiment at the moment. Some thought it underwhelming,others rather repetetive with the solution found/solution failed upand down kind of narrative among some other things, even though wehad a great finale in my opinion as well as some other really goodscenes. And yet, I share your mood of being uninspired to some extentwhich is fueled by the silence here.

For example, I remember that the fandom used to have so manyinteresting thoughts and discussions after every episode and theyusually lasted the whole week until the next episode aired, and it’ssomething I really missed this time. Next week, season 4 will beaired on TV here where I live and I hope that a rewatch might sparksomething that I missed during my first watch.

Talking specifically about fanfiction, I understand what you meanwhen you say that the season finale gave us limiting options tochoose from. Before the story can progress for us as viewers, all ofthe different parties need to be reunited. We can’t just put themtogether and start the story from there because the emotionalinvestment that is anticipated and sparked with their reunion wouldbe completely lost. Of course people can also write about somespeculative fics that start right within the action but it would feellike something is amiss. To get around this problem, you can alwayswrite something in an Alternative or Modern AU but it seems that youdon’t really like to do that or rather think that it is morechallenging to write within the universe of The 100 which I think isalso remarkable.

I have to say that I’m guilty in liking to read a lot of fluffas well. However, I agree that it's sad to see that people don't dareto touch more ambitious ideas because they feel intimidated by fandompolicy, in whatever form this might happen or be expressed, and theremight be of course other reasons to why there are more fluff fics aregoing around. To be honest, once in a while I need something grim,something more controversial, or something kinky, something thatmakes me cry, something that is definitely not fluff (or at least notin every aspect). And it's always a joy to find those fics as theyhave a cathartic effect on me. On top of my head, I'd say @grumpybelldid some recent work and @jasperjoordan doesn't fail me with herheadcanons because they write a different kind of 'happy' ending thatalso appeals to me.

If you feel comfortable enough nonny, I'd like to offer you toread some of your fics because I like to live dangerously and I don'tshy away from a fic that promises to take risks far away from thepath of a Vanilla AU. ;)

For the optimistic and pessimistic aspect I have to disagree tho.Hope has been a major theme thoughout the whole season and it isClarke in the finale that puts emphasis that she still has hope, ahope that she didn't have when she asked Bellamy all those years backand who answered her that as long as they're breathing there is stillsome left. 6 years later, and Clarke still breathes, still has hope,and I think we should share that hope too. :)

[woe-and-grow]

tbpdfw*

Those Childhood behaviors & experiences that I now get knowing I have bpd like:

Oh yeah identity issues:

Not understanding why when actors’ spoke about a character they were playing they treated it like a separate person because for me playing pretend meant becoming that character, another version of myself

Transfixing on my friend’s TigerBeat magazines even though I didn’t care about celebrities and getting a subscription myself just for the quizzes 

Getting really attached to specific words or phrases that you thought fit you or that other ppl used to describe you (for me it was “unique”, “empath”, not “normal”)

Using others’ descriptions of you as the way to describe yourself and your role in your own life (has big eyes, has nice smile, intelligent, artist)

Going to the bathroom in school to escape and end up just staring at myself in the mirror and asking who am I? I don’t recognize myself

Taking in bad descriptions of yourself and mean comments as truth as well (annoying, loud, talkative, sensitive, judgmental; you interrupt too much, you complain too much, you always think you’re right)

Getting really attached to IPod Touch backgrounds and saving ones that I thought represented me

Saving screencaps of the results of random silly quizzes as if collecting “facts” about myself

Taking on personality traits from a TV show character I liked and wanted to be like, wanting to dress like them, and wanting ppl to call me by the character’s name as a nickname

Quoting “Forgive and forget, that’s my motto” from a TV show character because it sounded cool and Right even though it wasn’t at all true about myself

Trying to copy some self-harming techniques I had heard to make my depression feel more valid

Throwing out a chocolate with caramel inside even though I liked it because I had previously always said I hated caramel and couldn’t contradict that

Acting like moments between you and another person or you in general were part of a movie and you had an imagined script of what dramatic thing you should say

Wanting attention & validation:

Doing and saying whatever to make adults you liked laugh or give you positive attention 

Finished painting a picture I was proud of (around age 3-5), my friend/neighbor who I’m painting with just finished finger painting something as well. My mom praises her and calls her choice to finger paint creative. I immediately smear my entire picture with my fingers

Carrying around a book of writings that I covered the outside with notes about it being “top secret” and “do NOT read” in the hopes of attracting interest so that someone would try to read it

Telling my best friend I *insert suicide ideation here* to hear her reaction in the hope of concern and attention

Biting at my mouth and lips in attempts of (unsuccessfully) hurting myself and getting attention after reading the book Speak in which a girl does the same in response to trauma

Talking nonstop, loudly and quickly in attempts to be heard; Having problems interrupting people in conversation  as I was used to being ignored and having limited time to be heard

Oversharing in class about personal experiences

Black and white thinking

Seeing my darker shift in mood as the new “bad” me vs the younger happier idealized version of myself as the old “good” me

Drawing images of broken mirrors, broken hearts, and thorny plants to represent this Bad new me vs regular hearts and thriving pretty plants as the old Good me

Seeing ppl as either minor acquaintances or Best Friends, no inbetween  

Feeling like ppl, even best friends, couldn’t get me and therefore we shouldn’t be friends anymore

Getting mad at ppl for having different opinions because they were Wrong

Unstable moods; Depression and thoughts of suicide or self-harm 

Feeling broken, wrong and messed up constantly for not being as happy as I once remembered

Writing dramatic sad poems about a perceived loss of innocence aka growing up which I concluded was the reason for the change

Leaving class just to wander under the guise of going to the bathroom, linger at windows and fantasize about running away somewhere happy

Continuously thinking about and wanting to break the mirrors but knowing it would be messy and probably hurt and I’d get in trouble

Feeling like I wanted to die before knowing what that meant and feeling like no one could save me

Punching my desk and the school porcelain sinks to feel my knuckles sting; scraping my hands with pens by drawing rough repeated lines over the skin to “punish” myself for being “bad”

Self-harming before knowing what that meant

Prolonging eating to punish yourself with hunger but giving into eating eventually

Feeling weak about not being able to commit to doing serious harm to myself

Having episodes of loss of interest in all things I found fun; feeling numb

Erratic sleeping patterns

Wanting to call in sick from school or pretend your sick to stay home because you just feel awful and don’t know why

Wanting to die on the way to school, passively feeling okay with the thought you might get hit by a car or bus

Unstable relationships; Imprinting, FPs, (Perceived) Abandonment & Splitting

Getting super attached to my first best friend in kindergarten and being convinced we’d be best friends forever 

Coming home crying every other day the next year when she got new friends who all didn’t want me around them

“Testing out” a new friend group everyday to try and find a place I felt like I belonged  

Spending recess after recess walking around alone and watching all the other kids play together reasoning everyone has a friend but me

Not playing with other kids who invited me to because they weren’t my Best Friend (cough baby’s first FP cough)

Getting super attached to my new neighbor/friend and jumping at any chance to hang out with her even when she was mean to me or didn’t really want to hang out with me

When she suddenly started avoiding me and stopped talking to me after years of friendship I went from hurt to completely uncaring as if we were never friends at all

At my new school, I once again spent my time trying out new friend groups and dropping them when they didn't fit me and ended up in the small assortment of “rejects” 

Going back and forth between being best friends, feeling better than them, feeling bad that they were putting energy into someone who really didn’t care

Feeling like I was pretending and didn’t care about them as much as they cared about me (none of them were my FP) and therefore we shouldn’t be friends at all 

Getting super attached to a new girl in school because I didn’t have any close friends and we were both Guyanese and therefore somehow connected; saying embarrassing things to her about how I felt detached from other friends and much closer to her in the span of only a few days

She told my other friend that I was like an annoying “dog” following her around and she switched schools within the next few weeks

I immediately into the “she never existed” mode of detachment 

Writing dramatically “I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend to you when you were such a good friend to me” in my friend’s yearbook (knowing he wouldn’t see it until years later)

Getting super attached to and oversharing with teachers who showed me particular kindness and attention

Getting depressed when I noticed they showed kindness and attention individually to other students

Feeling not good enough or healthy enough to be in relationships

These are my personal experiences but maybe they are relatable to others with bpd.

((This is super long but I just felt like it needed to be said and shown that ppl with bpd often have signs of early symptoms in childhood that get worse later and that they often don’t understand until later. Hope this gives others with bpd some clarity.))

(EDIT: Remembered some more)

((EDIT - PLEASE READ:

This post is making large rounds recently and I feel I need to address it. A lot of time has passed since I made this post and I am in a much better place than I was when I made it. All of what I posted here is still true, in that they are my personal experiences. HOWEVER, I am no longer certain if bpd is what I have/had experienced. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and extreme emotional highs and lows, as well as the symptoms listed in this post, but as I have grown and removed many of the more toxic elements and behaviors from my life, I no longer feel the daily swings that fit bpd. I am removing the bpd tags as such. I believe mental illness can be complicated and overlap with various disorders/conditions. Life and its effects on us as children and adults can be complex as well. 

I am glad people can find some comfort or clarity in this post, but my intention when I made it was NOT for people to use it as a clear sign they have borderline personality disorder. I want people who read this to access what they are experiencing and take everything here with a grain of salt, before self-diagnosing and talk to a trusted professional.

Take care.