#my vision is getting blurry and my nose is getting stuffy and that usually means I should Pass Out

[monster-noises]

man!!!!! I wish I was more confident talking to my friends who also write and draw about my writing! it would be Great to have Council but I lack the necessary skills of explanation and confidence

[benbantz]

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities   and cross overs , but ultimately different  Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks.           Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-) 

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or  his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little. 

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw,  take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

 *Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

 Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things,  (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day.  - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense)  I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either.  - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear)  - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

 Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting  phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me!  Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised  'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew)  - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks.  I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol.  I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou)  Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.  

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects  from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly. 

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different,   (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.)  it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion  - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human)       I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first  'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)  

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day  - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week)  So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) -  fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine.  People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary! 

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..'  ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead  'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole.   Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.   

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?'  it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from.  This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate. 

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-) 

Stay safe everyone x

[lunasohma]

phantom menace (under the weather)

[ ao3 / ff.net ]

Kuroko is sick, but he has good friends. 

Momoi places her hand on Kuroko's forehead. He startles and she tsks.

"Tetsu-kun," she starts seriously. Kuroko backs up a little. "I'm going to get Akashi-kun if you don't go to the nurse's office right now."

"Momoi-san, are you my mother?" She raises an eyebrow. Kuroko plows on. "I didn't think so. Now kindly let me get back to practice."

It's Momoi who keeps him from face-planting onto the gym floor. She helps him to the nearest bench and gently lays him down.

"Tetsu-kun, are you... pouting?" Kuroko turns so that his face is acquainted with the slatted surface of the bench and resolutely ignores Momoi's soft laughter.

Kuroko Tetsuya has nothing against winter. But he also has nothing against microbes. His weak constitution was always a large concern of his grandmother's, but now that she's been permanently hospitalized, Kuroko fends for himself.

The winter months bring out the worst in Kuroko because with them usually comes a virulent tempest of sickness. The storm cloud that brews around Kuroko typically goes unnoticed by those around him. No matter how ornery or sickly he becomes, his weak presence masks his angst effectively.

This time, however, is different.

"Tetsu!" Aomine's voice rings out in the empty classroom and does nothing good for Kuroko's sinus pressure. "I've got notes for you!" The taller boy states this proudly, standing before him. He has the enthusiasm of a puppy who's retrieved a stick. Kuroko has to consciously keep himself from pointing this out; the fog of sickness somehow loosens his tongue.

"Aomine-kun," Kuroko looks up at him. "Has notes for me." Does not compute.

"Come on, Tetsu - don't be mean! I pay attention in class sometimes!" Kuroko levels a blank stare at him. "And you were, uh, sleeping through most of it, so I figured you might need 'em," he adds, with a small grin. Kuroko belatedly notices the small puddle of drool on his desk.

"So yeah! Notes!" The chicken scratch is remarkably earnest and thoroughly indecipherable. It was kind, Kuroko thinks.

"Thank you, Aomine-kun." He means it.

Kise is being extra clingy today, probably because it's cold, and Kuroko is having none of it.

"Kurokocchi, are you pinching me?! Owowowow—" Kuroko has no remorse and stamps down on the blond's foot with all the wrath of an angry god. Kise yelps and bounces out of range, looking hurt.

He feels bad (relatively quickly for where Kise is concerned) and apologizes as sincerely as he can with a stuffy nose. The other boy recovers quickly as per usual and they continue walking, Kise talking enough for the both of them.

Massaging his temples, Kuroko closes his eyes and rifles through his pocket for tissues.

"Kurokocchi, do you have a cold?" Kise asks, tilting his head to the side. Kuroko cracks one eye open to look at him.

"Something of the sort," he blows his nose dejectedly, "always happens around this time of year." He waves goodbye to Kise since they've reached the intersection where they part.

"Wait!" Kise frantically scampers after him. Kuroko turns to fix him with a deadpan glare. Being sick usually cuts his glares' effectiveness in half (something about red, rheumy eyes), but he's gonna work with what he's got. However, Kise is doggedly determined.

"I can help!" he says excitedly, "Let's go to the store first - I gotta pick some things up!" He leaves no room for argument and takes a hold of Kuroko's wrist. He has no strength to dig his heels in (damn these cold aches), so he ends up trailing around after the other boy.

Kise pays for everything—

("Model's paycheck!" A signature wink was tossed his way. Kuroko resisted the urge to walk out of the store.)

—and they end up taking it all back to Kuroko's.

"My sisters used to take care of me when I got sick," Kise is explaining as he's deftly slicing vegetables. "And then I took care of them when they finally allowed me near the stove." Kuroko is seated at the table, his appetite actually surfacing for the first time this week. Savory cooking scents fill the kitchen for the first time in a long while. If Kise had noticed the disuse of the place, he didn't voice it.

"They've both moved out now, but they left me some great recipes and I've memorized them all!" He sets the steaming bowl in front of Kuroko with a flourish. He's beaming with pride and it's rightly warranted.

It's really good.

Aomine crouches in front of Kuroko's prone form and neatly rolls the ball out of his limp hands, wiping it off on the front of his shirt. Kuroko, even in his feverish state, can recognize this as unsanitary and says as much. At the same time, Momoi aims a pack of disinfectant wipes at Aomine's head.

The taller boy grins and tells him not to worry. Apparently, he can't get sick. Momoi recounts all the times that Aomine ate dirt as a kid. He's bizarrely proud of the fact ("Must've done something right!") and Momoi shakes with silent laughter behind him.

Kuroko rolls onto his back with a long-suffering sigh, blinking hazily in the too-bright lights of the gym.

"I feel like shit," he utters dully.

That gets Aomine's attention. "What was that, Tetsu?"

"I said," Kuroko grouses, "I feel like shit and I want to die." He rolls back onto his front, soundly ignoring Aomine's howls of laughter and Momoi's expression of horror.

Midorima had gotten wind of Aomine's abysmal notetaking skills and had promptly taken over from him.

"Unexpectedly, Midorima-kun is quite the mother hen," Kuroko deadpanned.

That had gotten Midorima on a passionate rant about academic responsibility, which kind of proved Kuroko's point, but he didn't reiterate it.

Midorima's notes are exceedingly competent and Kuroko feels as though he's been blessed. And no matter how much Aomine and Kise whine, he makes sure they don't get so much as a peek. He even surprises himself. A sick Kuroko can be quite vindictive.

Midorima sews, as it turns out. And knits and crochets - the whole nine yards. Kuroko learns that knitting and crocheting are two very different things after an offhand comment of Aomine's. Kuroko had wisely kept his mouth shut.

It had started with the threadbare elbows on Kuroko's coat sleeves; Midorima had zeroed in like a hawk. It only escalated from there. He now has an assortment of homemade goods, ranging from scarves to mittens to a quilt. Soon enough, Kuroko is drowning in yarn.

It's very warm.

It's 9 a.m. on a Saturday (read: too early) and Akashi has the aura of a benevolent monarch, looking quite satisfied with his showing. There is, absurdly, a small moving crew accompanying him, unloading a small van.

"Akashi-kun-"

"Not another word, Kuroko." The red-haired captain is fairly giddy. Kuroko may be hallucinating. "I won't take them back until you're feeling 100% again."

Kuroko glances around at the various items starting to pile up. An assortment of humidifiers and incense diffusers, a space heater, surprisingly technical blankets (apparently they heat up and cool down), numerous baskets of citrus. The list goes on and floor space is shrinking at an alarming rate.

Kuroko opens his mouth again, but he really has no words.

Akashi beams.

Cold rain is pelting the windows and Kuroko is grateful for the fact that he's inside, cocooned in a myriad of blankets. He's working his way through the limited-edition snacks that Murasakibara has been giving him throughout the week, many of which are vanilla-flavored. In moderation, of course.

He hears a knock at the door and he is loath to leave his nest. Since there is no one to hear his petulant stomping, he pads quietly to the door.

"Kuro-chin. Our cat had kittens." Murasakibara is wearing an all-encompassing raincoat, which is also shielding a very small cat. Kuroko hurriedly ushers them in.

In the kitchen, Murasakibara is tending to tea.

The kitten is wading its way through the peaks and valleys of Kuroko's blanket nest, curiously sniffing all the while. Kuroko falls in love (just a bit). It's mostly black but has white-socked paws. It also has startlingly blue eyes.

"It must be fate," Murasakibara says, handing Kuroko a steaming mug.

"I didn't think you believed in that sort of thing too, Murasakibara-kun." The taller boy simply shrugs, joining Kuroko on the floor.

"They always make me feel better when I have a cold."

"I would've thought that snacks and sweets did that." Murasakibara considers this.

"It usually takes both," he replies as he carefully places the kitten in Kuroko's lap.

Akashi is saying something, but Kuroko can't quite make it out. The captain's words are muffled and Kuroko's head is full of fluff. His vision is getting blurry.

"Akashi-kun." The other boy stops. "I think I am going to faint."

He does.

He wakes up in his bed, miracle of miracles. He can hear familiar voices downstairs.

"Breaking and entering," Kuroko accuses, narrowing his eyes from the doorway. He's brought his comforter down.

"Hardly, Kuroko," Akashi looks pleased. "We used your keys."

"Entering, then," he amends, making his way to the last free seat in the kitchen.

Kise's at the stovetop. At this point, he's pretty much memorized the fridge, cabinets, and pantry. Aomine's helping him and he has a knife. Everyone must be getting sick if that had gotten approved.

Kuroo's up on the table. The kitten is alternating between chasing the feather toy Murasakibara's got and the loose yarn of Midorima's latest project. It looks like another scarf.

Momoi gives him a warm smile as he sinks into his chair, sliding over some cold medicine and a glass of water.

"Feeling better, Tetsu-kun?"

Objectively, no. His head is pounding, his nose is stuffed up, and his throat burns, but somehow—

The atmosphere of the room is warm and comforting, the low buzz of conversation and sounds of cooking are soothing.

"Yeah," he says, "I really am."

[ziallshippingislife]

Reminiscence

Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.

“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.

“Zayn.”

________________________________________________________________

“Niall, you going to meet me there?” Harry said over the phone as I was running my fingers through my wet hair.

“Yeah, head out soon, I’ll see you there.” I said and then hung up.

Once again it was Friday night and Harry was ready to drag me to another loud bar to try and get me laid. I smiled to myself knowing he was the only one getting lucky again. Picking up guys was never my strong suit. Yet, every weekend I made my way to the bar to watch one of my best friends pick up these hot guys while I sat drinking by myself.

I heard the front door open and I sighed. I looked myself over in my mirror once again deciding this was the best it was going to get. My brown hair ruffled and my blue button down slightly unbuttoned so my chest could peek out a little.

I heard a soft knock on my door and gently turned to see Liam standing in my doorway.

“Hey Ni.” His voice was soft.

“Hey Li, how was your exam?” I asked, knowing he had been studying hard all week for it.

“It was good, yeah.” He said, smiling at me now.

Liam was working towards finishing up school this year while the rest of us had been out a year before already. We all received full time positions after graduating last year and now Liam was on his way to do the same. Harry and Louis recently moved in together while Liam and I continued to live in the house we had all began living in just before college started.

“What’s up?” I asked, watching him stand in the doorway watching me closely. Liam’s face looked tense, as he tapped his fingers against my door frame.

“I just haven’t heard from you all day and I wanted to make sure you were okay. “

“I’m fine Liam.” I sighed out.

He was quiet now, his fingers coming to a halt and the room falling quiet. I knew he was going to approach me at some point eventually. It had been five years ago today that Zayn had left.

“I’m sorry.” He said gently, opening the door wider so he could walk up behind me. I heard his body rest upon my bed and the squeak from the springs rang throughout the room. “I just want you to be safe tonight. Don’t do anything you’ll regret and call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” I replied, my eyes never meeting his. He sat for a couple more seconds in the awkward quietness before he stood and left the room.

Liam was always worried about me, more than anyone else. He always knew when there was something wrong with me. Even today I couldn’t fool him.

I grabbed my wallet from my bedside table and headed for the bar.

My heart was heavy today there was no denying that. But instead of bothering the boys about it I planned on drowning myself in liquor until I couldn’t feel the pain anymore.  

Tonight, I knew my mind was going to reminisce. Keeping my thoughts of him out of my brain was going to be impossible. It used to be so difficult not to think of him, but as time went on it got easier. Certain days were harder than others but now it’s not so often I think of him.

At first it was so hard all I did was cry and think about how much I missed him. For weeks and months, I cried every day wondering why he left me and everything he knew behind. It was the worst point in my life. Remembering myself so broken shakes me up still. My friends were so worried about me doing something stupid they would take turns watching me.

I was in love, and I thought he was too. We were ready to start a new life together. But before it even began, he split. I called and texted him for days but I never received a response. He had removed himself from all social media so he had vanished entirely.

He had completely left me in the dark. Not knowing why made it even harder to get over him. I couldn’t eat, sleep or move. All I did was sit in my room and cry. Until one day I realized this pain wouldn’t last forever.

You see I’ve learned time is the only treatment for pain. It may never go away completely, but getting used to the feeling of the despair in your heart sets in and becomes familiar. Not only will it fade but you will accept it and learn to live with that scar.

Pictures and videos will haunt your memory, but will also be bittersweet. It’s the memories that wrap themselves around the heart and brain that make you weep. Never able to forget the reminders that find their way back to you.

Zayn left without a goodbye. Not a single word. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in five years. A relationship so beautifully perfect which was broken so suddenly with no explanation or warning.

How does one move on from losing someone who was once so precious? It fades, but never disappears. There will be no cure. Love is a tattoo on the heart.

I finally made it to the bar and walked inside. I waved to Harry seeing him chatting up some short blonde laughing at one of his jokes if I had to guess. I didn’t want to interrupt so I quickly headed to the bar.

I headed to my usual table after ordering and taking down a couple drinks and a shot to help get my head buzzing.

As I was getting ready to sit down a face I recognized moved to stand right in front of me. After years of repair, which proved to be so difficult, just one glance had ripped that scar on my heart open again to bleed and ache.

Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.

“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.

“Zayn.”  

Our eyes were connected, the nostalgic feeling washing over me. We stood staring for what felt like hours but in reality was merely seconds before his lips began to move again.

“You look great.” He smiled at me as his eyes were glancing at my body now, up and down, the flicker of gold hitting the lights.

My chest was tight and my eyes began to burn. My insides were boiling and I began to clench my fists so tight I felt my skin begin to tear from my fingernails.

“S-So do you.” I choked out, unsure of what I should even say. My mind was racing. I was confused and unsure if this was even real. The music was loud but his voice was the only thing thumping in my ears.

“It’s been a long-“

“I have to go.” I rushed out and quickly turned on my heel and headed for the exit. I slammed my drink down on the nearest table top and ducked out past the bouncer.

I heard him call my name but I continued to run.

My vision was blurry from the vodka and my steps were shaky. The familiar severe pain I felt throughout my chest was getting heavier with every step I took. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I slowed down to rest my back against a fence.

I reached into my pocket and quickly began to dial the first person who came to mind.

“Niall?” Liam answered quickly. I tried to speak but I was choked up. “What’s going on?” He questioned again. I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Zayn’s back.”

 _______________________________________________________________

 The ride home was a lot quieter than I thought it would be. Liam picked me up on the corner of some street I couldn’t even remember and I climbed in without a single word. We were silent, straining to listen to the radio which was turned down low.

When we pulled in the driveway he shut off the engine but continued to stare straight out the windshield not looking at me.

“You’re kidding me, right?” He asked then, his voice dark.

I saw his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. I bit at my thumbnail trying to keep the tears settled inside of me. I still couldn’t speak.

“What the hell.” He breathed out his grip loosening and his shoulders slumping. “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?” He asked bewildered. “He comes back tonight of all nights, catches you at a bar, and he says nothing?”

I felt a tear slip past my eye and I breathed in deeply.

“I think, I should just- I need to get some sleep.” I barely whimpered out. I could feel Liam’s concerning eyes on me.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk Niall?” He asked carefully. I knew he wanted to talk. Zayn leaving not only hurt me but the rest of us as well. But the cut on my heart was aching so much I could barely breathe.

“I can’t.”

I opened the door and stepped out of the car leaving Liam behind me.

 ________________________________________________________

My eyes cracked open as the light was shining through the slits of my shades onto my face. My nose felt stuffy and my eyes were heavy.

I didn’t want to let myself cry all night but the sobs shook through me without hesitation. There was nothing I could do to stop them. Seeing him was unbelievable and I felt broken all over again.

I kicked my blankets off and headed for the door hearing voices coming from the living room. I knew Liam was home today, but I didn’t think he would be up so early.

I walked down the hallway and turned the corner only for my heart to skip a beat and plunge itself into my throat.

“I really don’t think-“ Liam cut himself off when I entered.

“Niall.” He said, but I was not looking at him at all. Beyond him standing at the door was Zayn.

It was quiet then. My eyes locked with his once again. His hair was strewn across his forehead and the sweater he wore was mine. My heart began to pound and I ran my shaky fingers through my hair, hoping it wasn’t too rough from my horrible night sleep.

“It’s eight in the morning what do you want?” I gritted my teeth, tearing my eyes away and walking to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee.

“I was hoping we could possibly talk.” Zayn said to me, but my back was facing him so he couldn’t see my puffy eyes. I poured my sugar into my coffee and stirred it while clanking the spoon against the mug multiple times.

I heard footsteps walk away and a door shut gently. I sighed knowing Liam went to his room and now I was alone with him.

“About what?” I asked blandly. My fingers loosely holding onto the end of the spoon.

“Listen.” He breathed out gently, his footsteps getting closer, but my back was still turned. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m back. And I’m also guessing you want an explanation.”

I threw the spoon in the sink then, the rage coming at me full force. I turned around to face him his eyes were pained and stained red like mine.

“I don’t need you to explain yourself.” I seethed.  

“Well, I just wanted to apologize-“

“I don’t need your apology either.”

Zayn nodded carefully but continued to step closer to me. I tried to move back but the sink was already pushed into the bottom of my spine.

“Look, Ni.” He reached out towards me and I smacked his hand away immediately.

“Stop.” I warned him, watching his eyes skate back and forth between his hand and my face. I could feel myself burning bright red and the tears were welling back behind my eyes. I didn’t want to let them fall though. I needed to be strong here.

“There’s never been a day that went by that I didn’t think of you.” He admitted, and I felt a pain shoot through my body so intense I thought I was going to pass out. I tried to ignore it though by trying to numb myself from his words.

“I don’t care.”

“I mean it. I want you to know.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You can say it doesn’t matter all you want but you know it does.” He stepped even closer, our eyes connecting and our noses almost touching. My breath hitched in my throat and I wanted to push him away so bad but I couldn’t bring myself to move.

“Don’t you even dare tell me what matters and what doesn’t.” I whispered out, my body starting to tremble.

“Niall, I know I hurt you but-“

“You can’t even come close to understanding the immense pain I felt Zayn!” I screamed then while finally finding my strength to push him back. “You don’t get to come back after all these years and throw this garbage at me and tell me how to feel!”

I felt the tears falling down my face. Containing them was too much for me to handle. I was angry. I felt so much pain looking at him standing in front of me. He looked different. He was thinner, his hair was longer. I could see an unfamiliar tattoo poking out underneath the rolled-up sleeve of my gray sweater.

His face looked upset. His eyes filled with distress. He was staring at me as the tears continued to roll down my red cheeks.

“Niall I’m sorry, okay I needed to get away. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was afraid if I stayed I would hurt both of us.” He explained, trying to get closer to me again. I just closed my eyes and let my head fall towards the ground, unable to look at him anymore.

“You broke me anyway, Zayn.” I choked out. “For weeks, for months even, I cried every damn day thinking and asking myself what did I do that was so wrong that you couldn’t even talk to me.”

His hands rested on my face then. His thumbs brushing at my tears. My heart was racing and my heart was aching. My hands came up to grab at his wrists as I continued to sob.

“Niall, it wasn’t you.” He tried to explain but I shook my head.

“I felt so abandoned by the person I loved and trusted the most. You need to understand that I was so fucking broken!” I yelled, gripping his wrists tight and pulling his gentle hands off my face.

“It wasn’t about you Niall!” He screamed back and I winced at the pain I heard laced in his voice. “It was about me and what I had to do.”

I glared at him then and he stared back with tears welling in his own eyes now. I rolled mine then, letting go of his wrists and turning my back on him once again.

“We were together. It was about us.”

“I’m sorry Ni, please-.”

“I can’t listen to this anymore. You need to leave.” I cut him off.

“Don’t do this.” He pleaded, but this was too much for me. I needed it to stop.

“Get out.”

“Ni-“

“I said get out!” I yelled and it was quiet for a minute. Then I heard footsteps leaving and the front door slammed shut.

I sobbed then, my face leaned over the sink and my tears were landing heavy on the stainless steel. Even after all this time my heart was still in so much pain.

________________________________________________________________

Thank you

ZIALLFOREVER

[easyweight101]

Avanafil Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

Avanafil is a generic PDE-5 inhibitor often sold under the brand names Spedra or Stendra. This product works to improve eretile dysfunction in men suffering from the condition.

Avanafil works to bring more blood flow to the penis, by opening up blood vessels that are constricted in those with ED. This product is only available with a prescription and is usually taken before a sexual encounter, rather than as a daily supplement.

By reviewing many male enhancement pills our review experts have concluded the best overall is Viritenz. This potent herbal blend targets erectile dysfunction symptoms without causing users to experience any uncomfortable side effects. L-arginine, tongkat ali and more bring a mix of stamina and performance to men with low sex drives, ED and more. For more about Viritenz, and its benefits click here.

Do You Know the Best Male Enhancement Supplements of 2017?

Avanafil Ingredients and Side Effects

Because Avanafil only contains one active ingredient, there’s not much to the formula. However, we’ve listed some of the benefits and side effects below.

Avanafil

Avanafil: A PDE-5 inhibitor, similar to Viagra, Cialis and the like, avanafil is used as a treatment for erectile dysfunction in older men, or those experiencing performance issues.

This drug works to fill the blood vessels that deliver blood to the penis, and blocks an enzyme known as phosphodiesterase-5 (or PDE-5) that works to return blood vessels to a normal size, ending an erection.

Side effects associated with taking stendra may include headaches, dizziness, nausea or vomiting.

Blurry vison, back and abdominal cramping, flushing skin or rash, other effects my include cold symptoms such as a runny or stuffy nose, sinus pain or coughing.

More serious effects may include a ringing in the ears, impaired vision or hearing and fainting.

In some cases, erections may last for more than four hours. In which case, users are advised to call their doctor.

PDE-5 inhibitors may also run the risk of causing an adverse reaction in patients taking medications that contain nitrates. Nitrates are often used in medicine for diabetes and heart conditions.

People who have recently recovered from a heart attack, or who have hypertension or another chronic cardiovascular problem are advised to avoid Avanafil and similar drugs.

See which pills produce the firmest erections, without the negative side effects.

EDITOR’S TIP:Combine this supplement with a proven male enhancement pill such as Viritenz for better results.

Avanafil Quality of Ingredients

Avanafil is likely an effective product for treating impotence. It’s a prescription drug that’s gone through the proper channels of obtaining FDA approval for sale, meaning its likely been vetted considerably more than many of the male enhancement products available over-the-counter.

But, just because a product is approved for sale and available with a prescription doesn’t mean doesn’t come with a certain set of risks. Avanafil may be unsafe for people with heart conditions, and those who are thinking about adding this drug to their routine should undergo a physical to rule out any potential health problems.

While many people with impotence are relatively healthy, in some cases, it can be a sign of a larger, underlying health problem. Plus, many otherwise healthy men do experience issues like dizziness or vomiting or have some lingering effects a couple days after use.

For men with severe erectile dysfunction this could be a great solution, while those with milder cases of ED may want to weigh other options jumping to Avanafil.

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The Price and Quality of Avanafil

Because Avanafil is a prescription medication, not an over-the-counter supplement, the price is rather high for consumers attempting to purchase the drug out of pocket. Without assistance, Stendra, the brand name of Avanafil, is sold for nearly $2,000 for a bottle containing 30 pills.

Many insurance plans do cover the cost of Avanafil, at least partially, so most consumers may not need to pay the full price, if anything at all. Additionally, the manufacturer offers vouchers on the webpage for further discounts to offset some of the costs.

While the product is to be used only as needed, and not as a daily supplement, consumers may only need this product every few months, but the cost may be prohibitive for many consumers.

Men without insurance or minimal coverage plans may not be able to justify the cost of Avanafil from a US pharmacy, and may turn to third-party websites selling the drug from other countries like India or China.

While the price on these sites bring the price down to about $2-3 a pill, sometimes less if you buy them in large quantities, there is a risk of getting a counterfeit product. Consumers should be aware of this risk, as they may be getting another product they are allergic to, or that may interact with other medications.

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Business of Avanafil

The pharmaceutical company responsible for Avanafil goes by the name Vivus Labs. Their contact information is listed here:

Phone Number: 650-934-5200

Email: support@Avanafil.com

Address: 900 E. Hamilton Ave.

Ste. 550

Campbell, CA 95008

Vivus Labs has a website focusing on all their products, and gives sort of an overview of what the company is up to, as well as another completely dedicated to the product Stendra, the name brand Avanafil is sold under.

Since this product is a prescription drug, potential users don’t have option of ordering directly from either site, however, there’s a lot of good information for people to read more about the drug and its potential side effects, as well as obtain coupons for the product to later be used at their pharmacy.

The discounts offered on the site may not be used by anyone who visits the site, patients covered by Medicare or Medicaid may be ruled out as they likely already are eligible for coverage.

We were unable to find any glaring issues with Vivus Labs or Avanafil, so this product may be a good solution for men suffering from impotence. In any case, this product does come with a number of risk factors, so we urge users to have an in-depth discussion with a doctor, rather than attempting to order this through illegal third-party sellers.

Customer Opinions of Avanafil

Luckily, with prescription medication, there’s a large pool of users online who have shared their experiences. We’ve discovered that those who tried Avanafil had mixed results. Here’s a quick look at what people were saying:

“I’ve been using Avanafil for about six months. It generally works for two days, and I usually don’t get a headache or the stuffiness some of the other guys were talking about.”

“Ugh. I wasted over $200 on this product. Cialis worked a lot better for me, but it’s a little more expensive.”

“I thought this worked better than Viagra. I think you do need to get the right dose. I’m 75, and I’m really glad I finally found something that works and doesn’t cause back pain like some of the other products.”

“The thing with avanafil is, I’ve noticed it doesn’t work as well as some of the other ED pills out there, but it also doesn’t come with all the negative side effects either. A trade off to be sure.”

Based on the reviews we looked at, it seems a number of men felt that this product had a fairly low rate of negative side effects as compared to similar prescription ED pills known as much for their ability to deliver a solid erection as the headaches, congestion and dizziness that goes along with it.

Not sure where to begin? Consult our expert guide to pills, pumps and prescription ED meds.

Conclusion – Does Avanafil Work?

Avanafil could be a really great solution for a number of men suffering from impotence or severe performance anxiety, but the cost is really high for those without insurance or insurance that won’t foot the bulk of the bill.

Compared to other erectile dysfunction treatments, Avanafil seems to have a lower instance of side effects, based on the reviewers’ experiences. This is likely good news for a number of people, but everyone has different body chemistry, and there is still a risk, especially for men taking nitrates or who have chronic health problems.

There’s also the concern that Avanafil may not do enough for men with severe ED, and they may need to take a higher dose of the medication. Several reviewers we saw mentioned that this product wasn’t as effective as some of its competitors.

According to our experts, Viritenz is the most effective solution out there for men who have ED, but want to avoid negative side effects, or prefer herbal supplements to pharmaceuticals. Safe and effective ingredients such as ginseng, long jack and maca offer more energy, as well as better performance both at the gym and in bed.

Viritenz is manufactured in an FDA-approved, GMP-certified facility to ensure routine third party inspections to protect consumer safety. For more information about Viritenz click on the link provided here.

from Easy Weight Loss 101 http://ift.tt/2lGJapA via The Best Weight Loss Diet In The World