#nah. i think people should not be punished for objectively funny crimes

[tabooneko]

Dance with Devils -Twin Lead- Vol. 3 Shiki & Roen

Hi~ Guess who finished all her exams~ ;D To celebrate I prepared a new drama CD for you!

It was really fun to translate it~

Special thanks to @violet-sin for the opportunity to listen and translate this amazing drama CD! <3 :D

Please DON’T REPOST

If you find any mistakes, please let me know, so I can fix them ^^ Enjoy~!

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Japanese Title: アクマに囁かれ魅了されるCD 「Dance with Devils -Twin Lead-」 Vol.3 シキ&ローエン (CV.平川大輔&CV.鈴木達央)

English Title: Captivating CDs Whispered by the Devil: Dance with Devils -Twin Lead- Vol. 3 Shiki & Roen (CV: Hirakawa Daisuke & Suzuki Tatsuhisa)

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Track 1: Sudden false accusation

 Roen: Shhh! Be quiet. If you make any sound, people will know that we are here. No, I should be the one apologizing. I’m terribly sorry for dragging you into such situation. Oh, you’re really softhearted after all. But I want to thank you. If you’re with me, he won’t do anything reckless. Although, if you sense any danger, don’t hesitate, leave me behind and run away. No, you have to promise me. Otherwise, I...

Shiki: Ah, found you~

Roen: Aaah! Natsumezaka Shiki!

Shiki: You are good at hiding. I was looking for you for a while. Ah, so you’re with him. When I think about doing it in front of the audience, I feel thrilled. Roen, are you ready?

Roen: Of course I’m not! I’m sure you want to tear my fur out again. I’m not a material for a stuffed animal.

Shiki: Aren’t you always yelping from joy?

Roen: I’m complaining about pain!

Shiki: Ah, pain is great, right?

Roen: Please, don’t just assume that everyone feels like you.

Shiki: You say so? Maybe think that’s your last moment and try experiencing it again. Who knows, perhaps your opinion will change. What’s more, I love your high-pitched scream, Roen. Sometimes I really want to hear it. Just like there are times when you suddenly feel like listening to a song. It’s the same.  

Roen: Am I like an advertising jingle?!

Shiki: Oh, I know! Let’s set your scream as academy broadcast’s opening sound! I’m sure that students would be happy too!

Roen: I obviously rise an objection.

Shiki: Let’s just try it out once~ I need to record you scream to do so, though.

Roen: I will show no mercy, if you come any closer.

Shiki: Resist as much as you want. It will be more amusing for me that way. Oh. Hmm~ Do you plan to stop me? I don’t mind if you want to take his place.

Roen: Stop it at once! As for you, it’s dangerous to come here. Leave, please.

Shiki: I’m happy that you want me so much, but now I have to keep Roen company. Hm, wait. Now that I think about it, I was looking for Roen with a completely different intention in mind.

Roen: What do you mean?

Shiki: You know about Rem’s precious shōgi board, right? Have you heard that one piece got lost?

Roen: There is no way I’d know about something so exceedingly trivial.

Shiki: I guess so. But it’s a really important matter for Rem, so he is extre~mely angry right now. Because of that Urie and Mage got dragged into this mess too and are pretty annoyed. No. It’s the best situation for me. Because there is rarely a chance to get falsely accused and punished.

Roen: So just hurry up and go to Rem Arlond and tell him you’re the culprit.

Shiki: You don’t have to tell me, I’ve already done that. But Rem said that he can tell from my behaviour that I’m not the culprit. In the end, he just drove me out of the library. Now the biggest suspect is you, Roen, so I thought that if I catch you and hand over to Rem, I’ll be able to ask for a punishment as my reward.

Roen: Huh? Wait a minute. He of all people suspects me...?

Shiki: Looks like Urie and Mage have an alibi.  

Roen: Impossible. After all stolen from the Third Library was the crystal shōgi which were bought in some unknown place. There is no other person than Rem Arlond who would want those pieces.

Shiki: That’s not the case. I’m talking about shōgi board from Rem’s classroom.

Roen: So that man leaves such things even in a classroom?

Shiki: At this rate, I’m afraid that if culprit doesn’t kill himself to atone for his crime, Roen will be punished instead of him. You’re so lucky~

Roen: What is so lucky about it? I by any means don’t wish to be falsely accused.

Shiki: But as long as you don’t have an alibi and there is no other evidence, it will be hard to clear your accusation. You’re up against that Rem after all.

Roen: Eh. Why do I have to be dragged into such a troublesome situation? I don’t want to get involved, but if I just leave it, I’ll probably have to pay a high price for this later. It’s so unfair but it looks like I have to look for the culprit myself. ...Oh. Of course. I’ll gladly accept your help. But why? You won’t get anything from this. Heh. You’re really softhearted after all. But the truth is, your kindness is helping me a lot. If you don’t mind, would you lend your support then? Thank you very much.

Shiki: Huuh~ Looks like something funny is going to happen. Maybe I’ll tag along~

Roen: No, thank you.

Shiki: But she is going with you, right? Then I can’t just leave.

Roen: I don’t think this fallen angel will really help us. Eh, I understand. If you say so.

Shiki: The three of us will look for the real culprit. It’s just started getting interesting~

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Track 2 Blind spot

 Roen: Looks like all students have already gone home. We can thoroughly investigate the scene of crime... I didn’t come here to have fun. If I don’t clear my name, I’ll keep getting falsely accused. Nevertheless, a tasteless shōgi pieces’ thief is not a laughing matter. Well then, from the three of us, Natsumezaka Shiki, you know the most about this accident. Would you tell us more about it?

Shiki: It’s not such a difficult story that needs to be explained. But have it your way. Looks like the accident took place in this classroom, at Rem’s seat.

Roen: Undoubtedly you must mean this desk. Although it’s hard to understand why a shōgi board was placed here. Was he playing shōgi with classmates?

Shiki: Nah. He didn’t let anyone touch it. So it’s like a tsume shōgi problem.

Roen: What was this man doing in the classroom?

Shiki: The piece went missing sometime between yesterday after classes and today’s morning.

Roen: The stolen piece is king, huh? Only one piece is missing, right? Does it have any special meaning?

Shiki: Maybe it’s a message from the culprit.

Roen: There is a possibility like that. Although, what’s with that strange shōgi board?

Shiki: It’s pretty unusual, right? Front side is white, while back is black. And symbols are all gold. It suits Rem well.

Roen: They look just like pieces in chess. Ah, right. Please take a photo as an evidence.

Shiki: In the first place Rem looks like he would like playing chess, but instead he always plays shōgi. What a strange thing.

Roen: Indeed. He is a very inexplicable man. To begin with, why am I the suspicious one? If you think about it a little, it’s obvious that I’m not the culprit. Everyone could be responsible for that crime if it took place after school. That’s why classmates or teachers should be the most suspicious. 

Shiki: Yeah, that’s why Rem used his magic to interrogate them. But he didn’t find the culprit, at least in this classroom.

Roen: To think that he used his powers for such a reason. How much is he attached to that shōgi board?

Shiki: Looks like it’s one of a kind. There is only one board like that in this world. 

Roen: It would be a problem if two or more such boards existed in this world.

Shiki: But because of that he can’t just buy a new one. So he became quite desperate.

Roen: Then he should buy a brand new, different shōgi board. Or he can just use an imitation to solve the problem.

Shiki: Oh, I see. Why didn’t I notice this move (as in shōgi) before?

Roen: Hm? Is something wrong?

Shiki: Fufu. It may be possible to solve this mystery... without catching the culprit.

Roen: What?!

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Track 3: Counterfeit

*school bell rings*

Roen: I’m sorry for making you wait. Rem Arlond caught me, when I was leaving school. There is nothing to worry about. Although, he persistently interrogated me about the day of that accident. It seems like I’m still under suspicion. This man is unpredictable. We have to solve this problem as fast as we can, since we don’t know what he will do next.

Shiki: Rem likes to stick to his prejudices. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time when he starts catching Roen inside our academy.

Roen: We have to avoid it. That’s why we have to find a breakthrough solution​ as fast as possible. Natsumezaka Shiki, may you continue our yesterday’s talk? What did you mean that we can solve the problem without catching the culprit?

Shiki: It’s simple. Rem is so angry, because his precious thing has been stolen, right? So we just have to make an identical piece for him.

Roen: I see, a blind spot.

Shiki: Rem certainly will be pleased, if the piece comes back to him. But one day, I’ll tell him the truth. That the piece he has is fake and he will never get the real one back. I wonder what expression will Rem make? It’s thrilling just to think about it!

Roen: I don’t care if this man gets shocked. But because of that, I’d be affected by his reaction. If we are doing this, it needs to remain secret.

Shiki: But that’s boring!

Roen: I’m not asking about your opinion.

Shiki: Fufu, you’re so cold. Well, whatever. So it’s decided. We will make a fake piece.

Roen: Even if it will be fake, it’s still better for him than not having it at all. Well, we don’t have a guarantee that everything will go as planned. Although, believing in success isn’t so bad, is it?

Shiki: What are you secretly talking about? I’m going to buy materials now, you’re coming too, right?

Roen: Yes, of course. I’ll accompany you. Let’s go then.

2:52

Roen: So what shall we buy first?

Shiki: Probably coloring materials to paint the piece. We have to be especially accurate with the golden symbols. Otherwise, Rem will immediately notice that they’re not original ones.

Roen: I understand. Ah, but where is corner with paints?

Shiki: Oh, there are pencils on sale! If they’re so cheap, it’s better to buy a lot of them at once. You’re right, there are even canvases on sale! Maybe they’re selling some other things too. Come here~ *Shiki grabs you*

Roen: There is so many things, you can’t tell where what is. But you probably know shops better than me, right? Would you lead-… Darn! I only took my eyes off her for a moment! Where did she go?

4:11

Shiki: Panels and canvases are good, but first we need to buy some brushes. I’ve broken brushes I liked, so I need new ones. Yep, I broke them. Destruction is essential part of art after all. The incredible feeling when you destroy things you created or cared for… you have to enjoy it. You should try it out once too. I know, how about you destroy my painting?  You can stab my still fresh canvas with scissors. It should be interestingly easy to cut and torn it... Ah, just thinking about it fills my heart. You don’t have to refuse so bluntly. You can always tell me, if you change your mind. Well then, let’s choose a brush. Help me. Let’s see~ Using different brushes depends on a taste in art. But basically, I like brushes with a soft tip. Hm~ This one feels nice when you touch it. Seems easy to use. But I’d like a softer one. For example, a brush from this brand…  Oh my? You haven’t used this one? Heh, then why don’t you try out those two types: round brush and flat brush? First, the round brush… Instead of touching it with your fingers, it’s better to touch your cheek. It lets you feel its texture better. Come on, focus on place I’m brushing. No, I won’t let you run away. Today I decided to buy things you said made you feel good. What do you mean? I think it’s normal to confirm how comfortable those brushes are in use. Okay, so now let’s try out the flat brush… It’d be nice if you liked the feel of it this time. I’ll stop with cheeks. Let’s try your neck now. It should be easier to feel the touch there. Was it ticklish? So it means it’s a little too soft? But your moan was so pleasant, that I want to try out a lot of things now. Show me a lot of expressions… *kiss* What a nice face. It’s red and full of shame, but your eyes are glaring fiercely at me. If I play with you more, will you get even angrier? Or maybe you will coldly look down on me? Ah, I can’t wait to see it~ You don’t want it no matter what? But  if you don’t cooperate with me, we won’t be able to buy a brush. Since it came to this, there is no other way but to make a brush you li-… Ah. Don’t force on me a brush you’ve chosen at random… Surprisingly, it’s not that bad after all. It’s soft and firm. Seems good for precise paintings. Yeah, I like it. It would be fun to paint you as a model with this brush. Really? I think there is no one who stimulates my creative urges more than you. Huh? You’re really a strange girl. There is a lot of interesting themes in this world and yet you want to paint me? But… it’s not an unpleasant feeling. Let’s buy one more brush. It’s for you. You’re going to paint me, right? Show me, when you finish. I’m sure it’ll be fun to be imprisoned in a canvas by you. Hehe. You promised me, okay?

Roen: I’ve waited so long but I haven’t thought you will just come to the painting corner.

Shiki: Hm? Ah, Roen!

Roen: Don’t “ah” me here! Why are you two just shopping carelessly? This brush has nothing to do with our accident. Good grief. You’re also at fault. Why did you let this fallen angel to take you so easily. If you want a brush so much, maybe we should just pluck feathers from his wings and make a quill pen.

Shiki: How belligerent of you, Roen. I don’t mind, tear up as many of my feathers as you like and scatter them…

Roen: I can’t go along with this fallen angel. Even getting angry at him seems foolish. ��Anyway, please just buy necessary painting tools.

Shiki: Okay, okay, I get it.

11:50

Shiki: So now we have all painting materials. We also need a piece. But what should we do about it? Hm, we can only buy similar one after all. But where should we go? I guess good quality pieces that Rem would use aren’t sold here.

Roen: Please leave this matter to me. I have some ideas. Please come to the park close to our academy on next free day. I’ll tell you the details. 

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Track 4: A moment of rest

00:11

Roen: Are you looking for me? I’m sorry for surprising you. I couldn’t help myself, since you were looking around so frantically. It’s not so bad from time to time. You’re the one who always surprise me, so I’m only repaying you. Ah, that fallen angel isn’t here yet. He is late for our meeting. What a hopeless man. Waiting for him is a waste of time. Let’s leave him be and get down to business. (to defeat the Huns~! XD) Oh right, I haven’t told you precisely where we’re going. I have some friends who know a lot about shōgi. If we ask them, we will now where to find good-quality shōgi materials. Why are you so surprised? I may not look like this, but I’m pretty well connected. Ah, you came. Good morning. What a beautiful weather we have today. Is something wrong? Ah, let me introduce you. Those gentlemen are mister Tanaka and mister Satō. They’re playing shōgi here every weekend. They both are more than 70 years old. They’re veterans of park’s shōgi. What’s happened? You don’t have to pull me. What’s wrong? That’s a difficult question. If I have to answer, I’d say they’re… walking companions? I really like taking a walk in this park, so we met a few times and became friends. Whether a devil or a human, we both enjoy walking. Thanks to it, they’re cherishing me like a grandson. They should know where to buy a good-quality shōgi materials. Please wait a moment.

2:45

Roen: According to their advice, there should be a shop nearby. Yes, but let’s not be in hurry. Walking with someone is pretty enjoyable. Oh my? That’s unexpected. Who would have thought that you’re keen on walking too. Then let me invite you later. Yes, I’m looking forward to it too. I’ll think of a route you’d enjoy. Oh my? Is something wrong? That’s… an accessory shop? If you’re curious about it, shall we go inside? The true charm of walking is going out of the usual route once in a while. Let’s go then.

3:52

Roen: Hm… it doesn’t look like a valuable jewelry. Although, every product looks laborious. Humans are pretty skillful, aren’t they? Let’s see… I like this hair ornament. It has a beautiful tortoiseshell design. It’s probably only a cheap ornament, but it’s quite charming. Do I think so, because I’m sure it’d look good on you? Would you try it on? I understand. Please don’t move. You don’t have to be so embarrassed. I will only touch your hair. Or maybe you are expecting something from me? I was only joking. Would you show me this hair ornament? Ah, just like I thought, it looks good on you. You’re beautiful. Since we’re already here, let’s try on some other things too. Don’t you think those earrings would match your hair ornament? You can’t move like that. If you don’t stay still, I won’t be able to put earrings in. Oh my! I’m sorry. I touched your ear. Were my fingers cold? You’re blushing again. This time even your ears are red. When you react like this, it makes even me a little nervous. Why don’t you let someone care for you? I’d like you to let your guard down at least around me. Yes, please try to do so. Then as a practice, let’s try to put this collar on you. I think a simpler one would be nice. For example… how about this one? This delicate chain should look nice on you. Now it’s time for your neck to become red, huh? If you let your heart race because of this, you will give a devil a chance to take advantage of you. *kiss* I apologize. I was messing around too much. Please forgive me. We tried out a lot of things, but the hair ornament looks best on you after all. Let’s buy it then. I’ll pay for it, so please wait here. It’s a thank you gift for accompanying me in the walk. And this hair ornament is probably happy too. Someone who looks good in it will get it after all. Do you want to say you can’t accept my gift? That’s extremely disappointing. Looks like I’m no one important to you. You should have said so from the start. Then I’m going to pay, so please wait a little.

7:55

Roen: Looks like it’s the right shop. As expected of mister Tanaka and mister Satō’s recommendation. There is a lot of shōgi related things here. Although, which set is similar to the one that man’s owns… It’s pretty difficult to identify them. That reminds me, you took a photo of his shōgi board in the classroom, right? May I see it? Thank you very much. Slope of the upper part of a piece is pretty gentle. And pieces are pretty thick too. I think they’re quite similar to those. Did you find any other similar pieces? Ah, please show me. Why are you keeping your distance? Screen is small, so if I don’t bring my face closer, I won’t be able to see the photo. I’m doing it to find the piece. If you run away, I can’t see the screen. It can’t be helped. Looks like I have to take drastic measures. If we stick close to each other like this, you will get used to it whether you like it or not. We will stay like this for a while. Please don’t run away. It can’t be helped, right? When you stop being so embarrassed, I’ll let you go. But there is a possibility it’ll take a whole day-...

Shiki: Hey, this piece looks the same as Rem’s!

Roen: Ah! Y-You! When did you-…?!

Shiki: Hm? I’ve just came to this shop. But I was tailing you two from the park.

Roen: Excuse me?!

Shiki: You were choosing a hair ornament for her, enjoying your walk with a smile… So even Roen is capable of such things.

Roen: You were following us? What a tasteless man!

Shiki: But you are the one who stole a march on me and had her all for yourself. You showed me some interesting things, so I’ll forgive you.

Roen: Don’t make a show of me.

Shiki: Shouldn’t we focus on this piece right now? Look, it’s identical to that Rem had.

Roen: Such a nonsense. How is it si-…  Ah, you’re right, it’s similar.

Shiki: If we just put color on it, it’ll be perfect.

Roen: It’s hard to admit, but thanks to you we have all materials now. I’ll forgive you and sheathe my sword for today.

Shiki: Huh? But you can just punish me!

Roen: When you say such things, I lose my motivation even more. Let’s go straight home after we buy the piece.

Shiki: Oh? Are you sure? “The true charm of walking is going out of the usual route”, isn’t it?

Roen: Ugh. I’m not angry. I just don’t want to have anything to do with this fallen angel anymore.

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Track 5: Piece’s replacing

0:21

Shiki: Yeah, Rem and other students left the classroom.

Roen: Now is our chance to go inside. *they go inside* I’m using magic to keep people out. No one should enter this room for a while.

Shiki: Then let’s just leave this piece quickly. I painted it and falsified a little, so now it looks like the original one.

Roen: The piece I’ve found was good after all.

Shiki: But I’m the one who found it. Oh, whatever.

Roen: Okay, leave the king piece here.

Shiki: Yup, it’s perfect. Rem won’t notice it for sure.

Roen: So the incident is solved now. Rem Arlond got his piece back, so it should improve his mood. Everything will work out peacefully. I wasn’t even involved in this incident, so why I had to worry about it so much?

Shiki: Why not? It was a lot of fun.

Roen: You wasn’t treated like a culprit, so you can say such carefree things. I was interrogated and observed by him. It was really hard for me those past few day.

Shiki: Hm? Why didn’t you like it? Being questioned about things you don’t know, getting looks full of suspicion, having your every move observed… it all sounds so exciting!

Roen: Shut up please. More importantly… why do you have such a difficult expression?

Shiki: Ah, right, we still have no idea who the culprit is.

Roen: We haven’t got enough clues and we can’t even guess why someone stole that piece. It’s impossible to solve it now. Although, I don’t like the idea of letting go a culprit who falsely accused me.

Shiki: I don’t really mind either way. Oh. But if he is found out, he will be severely punished, right? It can be quite funny to watch it.

Roen: You’re as disgusting as always. But we don’t have any way to catch him.

Shiki: That’s a shame. It’d be good to have some brilliant idea. Eh? You have an idea?

Roen: Hm, I see. When the culprit hears the piece is back, there is a possibility he will come to check it. It’s worth a try. If we manage to catch him, we should… thank him a lot for this incident.

3:46

Roen: No results after a couple of days. No matter how long we wait, culprit isn’t showing himself. Our plan has failed. Oh!

Shiki: Roen? Are you here?

Roen: Oh, it’s you two. Oh, you got me something? Thank you very much. I was getting thirsty, so I appreciate it. But why am I left as a lookout like in some detective drama?

Shiki: Because it was your idea. So, any results?

Roen: Unfortunately no.

Shiki: He won’t come after all.

Roen: Yes. Let’s just give up. Of course it’s not good. I want to catch the culprit and make him atone for his sins. But we don’t have any other way to catch him. Our investigation will end here-… Is that?!

Shiki: Something is getting close. Come on, hide.

Roen: What? It’s a crow.

Shiki: It’s flying to Rem’s desk…

Shiki & Roen: AH!

Roen: It picked up the piece we left there and flew away.

Shiki: Who would have thought that our culprit is that crow. I didn’t expect it to be an animal.

Roen: Stop being so carefree!

Shiki: Yeah, if we lose sight of it, we won’t be able to catch it. I will fly after it, so follow me.

Roen: Let’s go after him. Please grab me. We will fly with my magic.

6:02

Roen: Ah. So here you are. Where is the crow?

Shiki: I lost sight of it around here. I think it went to its nest.

Roen: Crows have a habit of building nests on big trees. That one is the biggest tree around.

Shiki: You’re right. I’ll go and check.

Roen: Wait a minute. If you thoughtlessly approach the crow, it’ll attack.

Shiki: Is there a problem here? I’m expecting that!

Roen: I was stupid to worry about you. Just go already.

Shiki: Okay. *flies to the tree* You don’t need to be so cautious. I’ll only check your nest for a moment.

Roen: He is communicating with a bird. What’s wrong with that fallen angel…?

Shiki: Found it! Sorry, but can I take this king with me? I’ll give you the one we made. Thanks, that’s a big help. *flies back* I’m back. I retrieved the piece.

Roen: A crow collecting shōgi pieces is pretty unique.

Shiki: Looks like it collects shiny things. I wonder if it’s a habit or something? You look relieved. I’m leaving the piece in your hands. Give it back to Rem. He probably won’t honestly accept it from us.

Roen: More like he would tell us: “you were the culprit after all!”.

Shiki: It wouldn’t be such a bad development if you ask me. But you’ll be happy if that incident is solved peacefully, right? Then I leave it to you.

Roen: Now the matter is settled. But I wonder what face would Rem make, if he knew he was robbed by a crow. Just thinking about it is pretty delightful. Don’t you think so too? *crow says yes! xD*

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Track 6: Truth like a lie

0:06

Shiki: Glad that Rem’s mood is better now. Thanks to it, I can focus on painting.

Roen: What are you saying? You were enjoying yourself to the fullest when we were looking for a culprit!

Shiki: What’s bad about it? I bought a new brush. I wanted to use it and paint something~ It’s really comfortable to use after all. It was worth using your skin to choose the right one.

Roen: Please wait a minute. What do you mean by “using her skin”? What’s happened when you were buying that brush?!

Shiki: It’s a secret~ Leaving that aside, it’s a good thing we solved the incident, but academy is facing a hard time now, right?

Roen: You mean those anti-crows installations in the whole academy?

Shiki: Yup, yup. Ren tried to act tough in front of her, but it was a big shock for him that a crow tricked him.

Roen: Is that so? That’s a pretty delightful information. I was pretty depressed at first, but now when I think about it, it’s a wonderful thing.

Shiki: I just genuinely like it. That anti-crows system. It’s so disgusting, how nice~

Roen: I’m not going to argue with your aesthetic sense. Nevertheless, crows are pretty clever animals, aren’t they? From all pieces it chose the most important one – the king. But why didn’t it touch any other piece?

Shiki: Isn’t it because, everyone just need one thing they like? Right?

Roen: Why do you look at her when you say it?

Shiki: Maybe I also should just snatch away what I like and hide it?

Roen: I also want to keep my precious things safe. I won’t give it to you.

Shiki: So let’s fight to find out who will be able to get her.

Roen: As you wish.

Shiki: Oh? It’s the crow from before?

Roen: Looks like you’re his target! Please run away! Ah! That’s a hair ornament I bought for her!

Shiki: And the brush I gave her!

Roen: Its target isn’t this girl, but shiny things she has! Ah, stop right there! I can’t give it to you!

Shiki: Exactly! Without that brush, she won’t be able to imprison me in a canvas!

Roen: I don’t care about that. Let’s just go!

Shiki: I prefer being chased than chase, but there is no other choice this time.

Roen: Please don’t worry. I’ll get it back no matter what.

Shiki: For you, the one I like.

Roen: Okay, let’s go.

Roen & Shiki: I won’t let you escape!

THE END

[the-desolated-quill]

Let’s Kill Hitler - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Oh Christ, do I have to talk about this piece of shit?

I’ve made it no secret how much I despise Steven Moffat’s writing. His convoluted series arcs, his painfully obvious plot twists, his smarmy ‘too kool for skool’ dialogue that’s often dripping in pretentious bullshit, his one dimensional ‘quirky’ characters and his casual sexism. Even the few good stories he’s written have at least some of these problems. Let’s Kill Hitler is definitely one of the worst stories he’s ever written. Every problem I listed, Let’s Kill Hitler contains in excess. I HATE this episode with a passion. I usually watch these episodes twice before writing a review in order to properly analyse every detail. and that can be excruciating when it comes to other bad episodes. With Let’s Kill Hitler, it felt like my own personal torture. Halfway through my second viewing, I was about ready to jump through the TV screen and start throttling the characters to death.

After some bullshit involving crop circles and establishing that, after all this time looking for Melody Pond, the Doctor has achieved fuck all, we’re introduced to Mels.

Yes. Mels.

Well gee. Could she be Melody Pond? Nah! That would be ridiculous! Mels has a darker skin tone than Melody. It’s not as if she’s a Time Lord that could regenerate or anything... OH WAIT!

Oh God. Where do I start with Mels? What a smug, grating, unlikeable piece of work this is (also she’s the first woman of colour to appear in Leadworth and she’s a criminal. Lovely). I was about to say I can’t see how Amy could possibly stand to be around someone like Mels, let alone name her child after her, but then I remembered this is Amy we’re talking about here. She’s just as big of a bitch as Mels is. Just look at the way she treats Rory as they grew up. At this point I’m convinced Rory isn’t so much in love with Amy as he is feeling the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. So no. I have no problem buying Amy and Mels would be friends. They’re both utter bitches. I’m sure they got on like a house on fire.

You know, considering what close friends Mels and Amy supposedly were and how incredibly influential she apparently was in Amy’s life, it’s strange that this is the first time we’ve ever heard of her, which suggests that Moffat just pulled Mels out of the darkest depths of his arse in order to facilitate his shit plot. And as shit plots go, this is very shit. Worthlessly, pathetically, incontinently shit. Moffat has written some bad stories before, but this one simply takes the cake. NOTHING makes any sense whatsoever.

The Doctor and co crash-land in Berlin 1938 where they encounter the Teselecta. A robot controlled by miniaturised people who travel in time punishing historical criminals. Like with the Headless Monks in A Good Man Goes To War, the Teselecta isn’t an inherently bad idea. It could be potentially interesting. The problem is it barely gets a look in due to Moffat’s bullshit series arc. The story is really about Mels/River. The Teselecta, Hitler and Berlin are really little more than just a backdrop. This could have been set on a space station or in a Nandos and it would have been the same.

So Mels regenerates into River Song, at which point she’s labelled by the people in the Teselecta as ‘the woman who kills the Doctor’ and ‘the worst war criminal in history.’ Yes. River, who killed one man, is a worse criminal than Hitler, who facilitated the deaths of millions of people. Fuck you Moffat.

Okay there’s a lot to unpack here. I apologise if this review is coming across as a bit sloppy and all over the shop, but there’s just so many problems with Let’s Kill Hitler that its hard to know where to start.

Let’s start with the whole Time Lord thing. River can regenerate because she was conceived in the TARDIS. Well that’s bollocks. It’s like The Big Bang all over again. If a TARDIS can destroy the space/time continuum if it were to explode and can infect foetuses, why on Earth would the Time Lords have ever let one off the assembly line? The most popular excuse Moffat fans like to use is that the TARDIS is faulty. Um... yeah, because of its chameleon circuit. Not because it’s a radioactive deathtrap.

Also why would the Silence need to create a Time Lord to kill the Doctor? Think back to The Impossible Astronaut. The Doctor died from two gunshots. The first to start the regeneration process and the second to finish him off. You don’t need a Time Lord for that. Any old fucker with a gun would do.

Which brings me to the Silence’s motivations. So they take Amy’s kid and brainwash her into becoming an assassin (not a psychopath Moffat. Would it kill you to use Wikipedia?) by telling her all the crimes and evils in the universe the Doctor didn’t solve, thus proving what a bad man he really is.

I’m sorry, but even the village idiot could spot the flaws in that logic. The Doctor isn’t a God. He can’t be everywhere at once. And if he reversed every bad thing that ever happened in history, the space/time continuum would probably have more holes in it than a colander. Also, why is the Doctor the only sole person responsible for this? What about the fucking Teselecta? What about the Time Agency? What about your DIY TARDISes? The Doctor doesn’t hold a monopoly on time travel. If you want to fix history, why not do it yourself?

And then we get another bullshit mystery in the form of the Question. The first question ever to be asked. Hidden in plain sight...

......

NAH! Come on! Even by Moffat’s standards, that’s just too stupid.

Before I dive deeper into this cesspool of convoluted nonsense surrounding River Song, I suppose I should point out I’ve got nothing against Alex Kingston. I think she’s a great actor and has done some good stuff over the years. It’s not her fault that she’s been lumbered with such a shit character.

River is at her most annoying here. The smarmy, post regeneration dialogue is utterly cringeworthy and there’s just a sprinkling of casual misogyny thrown in for good measure, such as Mels saying she’s concentrating on a dress size just when she’s about to regenerate and River exclaiming she needs to weigh herself. And that’s not the worst of it. Everything River says has a flirtatious or sexual undertone to it, to the point where it becomes nauseating, there’s yet another scene where the Doctor has to ask Rory’s permission to hug Amy as though she’s an object rather than a person, the Captain of the Teselecta at one point makes a comment about the size of a female colleague’s arse, and then there’s this unforgivable line from the Doctor when Amy asks about River’s flip-flopping goals and motivations:

“She's been brainwashed, it makes sense to her. Plus, she is a woman.”

Moffat, seriously, go and fuck yourself! This isn’t remotely charming or funny. It’s just sexist as shit.

Matt Smith gets lumbered with shit too sadly. The Doctor gets poisoned by River’s lipstick (again, why do the Silence need a Time Lord for that? This makes no sodding sense), at which point he spends the majority of the episode flailing about on the floor like a prat. Not only is this horrible to watch due to Matt Smith’s god awful panto acting, there’s also no tension because we know he doesn’t die here. The death at the lake is a fixed point in time. He HAS to die there. So all this poison stuff just feels like a massive waste of time. In fact not even the fixed point in time stuff makes sense. If the Doctor’s death is a fixed point, why are the Silence bothering to kill him now with poison lipstick? And how do you create a fixed point in the first place? Who determines what’s fixed and what isn’t? I’ve always found the concept of a fixed point in time to have a slight whiff of bullshit about it, but this is just a whole compost heap of bullshit.

And how does the Doctor get out of this one? River gives up her remaining regenerations to bring him back to life. Because apparently she’s fallen in love with him.

Yeah! This isn’t a slow, gradual thing. She just suddenly changes her mind. She’s just sporadically in love with him now. Moffat doesn’t do anything to properly justify this change of heart, unless he's suggesting that the Doctor still caring for his companions on his deathbed was enough to make River’s heart flutter, which it isn’t. Maybe Mels had a crush on the Doctor growing up, but that’s bullshit too. Imagine if Mels was brainwashed to kill Hitler. All her life she’s been fed all the reasons why Hitler is evil and deserves to die. Would it be likely that she would fall in love with Hitler? Of course not! It’s the same principle with the Doctor. if she’s been brainwashed to kill him, it’s unlikely she would have any positive feelings for him whatsoever. So I’m not buying any of this.

But the biggest problem of all is the lack of characterisation and empathy. River Song isn’t a character. She’s a plot device. We never fully explore how she feels about the Doctor and she’s never written consistently. Her thoughts and motivations change depending on what the plot requires. River needs to save the Doctor now, so she just does. And in Moffat’s rush to connect all the dots in his bullshit series arc, he forgets quite possibly the most important characters in this story:

YEAH! Amy and Rory! You know? RIVER SONG’S PARENTS!

Over the course of this two parter, Amy and Rory discover a secret pregnancy, have the baby, lose the baby, realise the baby is both River Song and their best friend Mels due to convoluted time travel stuff, learn that their daughter is the one that kills the Doctor and they ultimately lose out on parenting their own child. That’s some pretty heavy stuff. Pity none of this is ever explored. In fact the one time this is touched upon, Moffat actually plays it up for laughs. What the fuck is wrong with you, you incompetent prick?

And then, just to rub salt into the wound, there’s this really weird line where Mels says it all worked out in the end because Amy and Rory got to raise her during the course of their childhoods, which is just prime Moffat idiocy right there. There’s this huge emotional tragedy taking place here, but Moffat appears to be the only one who hasn’t noticed. His attention is in all the wrong places, focusing on the mechanics of his convoluted arc rather than exploring what the characters are thinking and feeling. I suppose you could argue that exploring these kinds of themes might be too heavy for a family show, but if that’s the case, why is Moffat introducing the topic in the first place?

Like I said at the beginning, I’ve never liked Steven Moffat’s writing very much, but Let’s Kill Hitler was the point where I went from not liking Moffat to hating Moffat. This is easily one of the worst episodes he’s ever written and indeed one of the worst episodes in all of Doctor Who. Whereas A Good Man Goes To War was annoyingly stupid, Let’s Kill Hitler was insultingly stupid. It’s ill conceived, poorly written, utterly misogynistic and completely tone deaf. Fuck this episode and fuck you Moffat.