#needless to say i havent gotten any writing done

[beesinspades]

I got the booster almost a week ago and I still feel like absolute garbage trying to convince my stupid health anxiety that I'm not dying

got it on saturday, no side effects. sunday afternoon, only a very light headache. but then on monday morning I woke up and had numbness in my left arm and leg. I tried not to freak out because it happened to me last year because of stress except this time I wasn't stressed. didn't go away on tuesday. then on wednesday I went to the doctor for something else and also asked about it. she's sending me to a neurologist next week and the same evening I had a brain scan done just in case, waiting for results. up until then it was just the numbness. but then after that appointment of course i started getting worse anxiety over all this (up until then I was a little stressed but keeping it fairly under control) which as you know makes everything worse. since yesterday thursday i've been feeling worse. the numbness is always worse in the morning when I wake up, and then it gets better throughout the day. yesterday I managed to distract myself most of the day but also despite sleeping well I felt tired enough by 10:30am that I took a nap until noon, and at some point I felt unwell out of nowhere which set off my anxiety really bad. then it got better by the end of the day and I went to bed. I woke up at 2am to go to the toilet and felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I was low-key gonna pass out which again set off my anxiety and made the pressure on my upper chest so much worse, it took a while to calm it down. I thought I was gonna die. then I managed to fall asleep again and now I feel much better than earlier but I do feel a bit unwell still. maybe itll be a bit better after breakfast (though anxiety makes it harder to eat, I lose my appetite) I don't know if it's all the stress or if it's linked to whatever is wrong with me aka the numbness. which is thankfully not getting worse but is still there. this is the fucking worst I don't know what to do. every time I feel the slightest off thing in my body my anxiety latches on it

idk maybe it's not the booster but the timing is too perfect. this numbness thing is not unheard of but also it seems those it happened to had it much worse. either way I hate not knowing what's wrong. I think I'll go back to the doctor today if I can and if not I'm ready to go to the ER for the first time in my life which is terrifying and I'm afraid of being told it's just anxiety

oh also as a note a couple of days before the booster I had blood tests done and they all came out normal except for two small vitamin deficiencies that I'm now taking supplements for so idk idk

[astranite]

WIP Honestly-Ive-Lost-Track-of-the-passage-of-linear-time Day

I havent done one of these for a while!! Or finished many or any writing things though ive been making progress on and started many. But have some Scott and John, and John and Virgil!

---

Then there was Scott, rapping on the door to make sure John hadn't fallen over and cracked his skull open. Or in thoughts rather kinder to them both, bringing him his toothbrush and checking he was okay. Big brother smotherhen. An echo of fondness washed over John.

They brushed their teeth together; Scott’s brush was blue and John’s fluorescent orange because that was the system. Scott danced from foot to foot, unable to stay still, and John discovered Scott hadn't grown out of stopping every five seconds to say something through a mouthful of bubbles. He changed topics mid-sentence and jumped between ideas happily. It was good to see Scott being, well Scott. John listened, occasionally answering back with a remark or other as he sat on the edge of the bath, an arm wrapped around a grab bar to keep himself steady.

That part was remarkably similar to being up on Five, though the need to hold on was from too much gravity rather than the lack thereof. And except in space he’d calibrated himself by experience until the lightest touch would suffice. A death grip on the bars was the giveaway of new, barely qualified astronauts. He shook himself, to change the track of his thoughts to not rip up the piece of comfort he could find in the familiar patterns.

Up there, he’d gaze at the stars outside and carry on a conversation with Eos. He half laughed at the memory of the first time she’d seen him cleaning his teeth and demanded to inspect his mouth technically-not-bones-but-John-why-aren’t-they-bones out of curiosity. He relayed it to Scott and got to watch sensible commander big brother try not to snort toothpaste out of his nose. 

---

"You think you're hiding it, but I can see that limp from space."

Virgil leaned closer to his comm, giving John a prime view of dark, angular done-with-this-shit eyebrows.

John definitely didn’t panic. He just didn’t want the totally needless scrutiny of a medic brother all up in his business. Or asking questions like, ‘What did you do to yourself this time?’

“What limp?” He replied. He could play it off as obtuse and then no one had to ever to find out. 

Virgil gave a Scott-worthy facepalm. “Do I have to worry about a concussion too?”

Okay maybe that was too obtuse. But he was running on few hours of sleep, back to back rescues and no bloody breakfast so who could blame him. 

“I’m fine, Virgil.” John rolled his eyes. 

Virgil didn’t dignify that with a response. 

Well then, John could prove it. Ignoring the ache in his left foot and that the last time he tried this was probably what had gotten Virgil’s suspicions on him in the first place, he twisted through the central hub of Five to the entry to the gravity ring. 

Lowering himself carefully in what was usually a thoughtlessly graceful manoeuvre, he landed on his feet in the grav ring, a triumphant, “See, I’m perfectly fine,” already on his lips. Except as soon as his left foot touched the ground with his weight on it, a sharp stab shot through it.

He couldn’t hold back the painfully obvious wince. Or the sudden gasp. 

[madomadotsuki]

@buddynikki cont. { ❦ }

[* WindoWatcher☂ has posted; 2:12 AM]:

[txt] That’s where I was going to add. It wouldn’t make a difference whether the matter is beneficial or not if you’ll be missing him the whole time.

[txt] I won’t be the person to coat your pain in sugar and hope for fortified worth of the wait. If anything, I’ll be real with you. You’re hurting. You’re hurting because someone you wouldn’t trade for all the stars in the sky will be gone from your reach. Your dad is someone who loves you, who has done their best despite their errors to give you the best life they can.

[txt] I don’t doubt that you consider this helpful for him by any means, it’s just tough on you to know in order to seek his better position you would have to face a hurtful obstacle in the way. Trust me, I’ve felt like death about a situation close to this.

[txt] I’m sure that your father is up in shambles about you as well, and I know that this sort of conundrum is highly discouraging, but in the event that he does last there for a notable while, I’m sure that there would be an ounce of hope in him to believe that you’re a strong kid who can power through this in the end. Consider that you have a chance to look back on this in the future and may it give you strength to overcome something even more tragic.

[txt] That probably sounds like white noise to you at this point, needless to say you’ve received this spiel more times than I could count on my fingers. Perhaps if you are looking for a more active recommendation, I do believe that rehab centers accept letters to their clients if partial communication can put you at ease.

[txt] As for my neck of the woods I’ve been dealing with some family crap myself, with the addition that someone up and stole my diary as an April Fool’s joke and I’m up in ends livid about the whole deal. I’m still on the hunt to find it but I haven’t gotten any leads. It might be my bestie’s doing but I haven’t gotten the chance to pester her about it yet

[⌘]– [ * WindowMoon🌙 has posted; 01:13 AM]:

[txt] its conflicting and it’s only further killing me inside

[txt] im here, wishing he was here, that he didnt left, that he wasnt gone. that he was with me. but that would mean he wouldnt be able to go get his help.  its selfish of me to wish he stayed in sacrifice of his own wellbeing

[txt] he admitted that the day prior to his ultimate decision to go to rehab he had actually planned out a suicide attempt. this decision was much more of a critical emergency needed than whether or not i can last on my end [txt] ive already started to spiral down since day 1. im definitely not going to get any better

[txt] and im so far away from home now too. are you aware of the multiverse theory? well, it is real. and im currently camping tossed in a whole other universe under the care of a friend of Dad’s. he and everyone else here are really nice and all but-- its not home. it doesnt feel like home. i feel so homeless and desolate. im surrounded by these cool people, but ive never felt so freaking alone in the world in a very long time, none of them feel like anything close to home. nothing in here does

[txt] things have started to feel very... detached too, and distant, and i cant tell if its me or everything/everyone else around me

[txt] the more time, the less im capable of even telling whats real and whats... dream. in fact ive resorted to do nothing but sleep pretty much. watch me try to sleep days or even weeks away. im surprised that i didnt become one with this bed yet even though even it doesnt feel like home despite still being comfortable. not sure if its a “madotsuki thing’ but as of now id rather live in my dreams and forget everything else. at least there he can still be there with me. there is the closest to alright and the closest to home that i can have now. you know what i mean, given youre a madotsuki too [txt] if i could i would simply sleep all the way until this is over, but i think i would have to be in a coma for that

[txt] dang, i feel like im about to cry again. i dont feel like having Ace or Paige or anyone else here come over and hammer me with the same sweet lies that Dad will be back “very soon” or that “everything’s okay” and waste their time to get my crybaby self to calm down when they could actually be doing something productive instead

[txt] ...

[txt] oh my god. so the diary thing is a “madotsuki thing” too huh. i know how you feel. i would go up the walls if someone took my diary too, especially without my consent. god forbid if anyone read it-- haha ahha id probably instantly be seen as schizophrenic. i really hope you find yours as soon as possible, and i hope even more so that nobody has read it in the meanwhile either.

[txt] i have mine with me right now, but i havent had motivation even to write on it anymore. i keep it on my person majority of the time, and when im not i always hide it in my the room, and constantly change where in the room i hide it. makes finding it very harder for others aside from yourself

[txt] you seem to be doing better than i am right now. im not saying your situation’s easier or harder than mine, but at least you are a strong madotsuki

[txt] im not going to sugarcoat you either. all i can do in my current state is hope and look forward that things will find their places eventually on your end