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mannien · 4 years

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Let me tell you a short reunion story

June 9, 2020.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic. Although the curve is far from flattening here, our government loosened the restrictions. Self-distancing is still very much advised, but we are allowed to meet up in large groups in public spaces, given that if the authorities ask, we’re each 2 meters apart from one another.

Due to the global situation, I’m on an unpaid leave. As of right now, it’s been a month and a half since I’ve last been at work; for other people it’s over two or three months. Ever since I had to stay home, I said that I missed work generally for its environment and daily tasks. And I truly do miss this aspect: no room redecorating, nor the attempts to write my thesis, will make up for not being able to sit in our social room, making myself a cup of not-so-good coffee, and surviving through a 12-hour shift.

I thought that I would only miss certain individuals.

I’m a deep introvert, I have hypersensitivity and severe anxiety, and oftentimes I suffer from serious panic attacks. Only a few people from work know this about me. However, my workplace has been the source of the majority of my social interactions for the past 5 years. I have one friend from high school, one from my university, and the rest is… well, work. Every now and then, we would meet up for drinks, be it without occasion or for someone’s birthday. Those times I would always look for my comfort people, those that I completely trust. My anxiety acts up seriously whenever I’m around drunk people, or even strangers for that matter, so I dread being socially pressured to interact with someone I don’t particularly feel connected with. The fact that I’m the listener and observer is not an advantage in those interactions.

I feel like over the past year or so, I’ve gained a significantly wider range of people who care about me at work. I started feeling like a crucial part of the team and others started to make it quite clear to me with how excited they were to have a shift with me, or by simply worrying about me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I started caring more about the sole atmosphere at work and contributing to it, rather than just being in it. I’ve also lived through a competition for a promotion, so that shone a light on me a couple of times. I found an important sense of belonging. My work is the place where I got outspoken and outgoing, because I gradually got comfortable there. It’s even safe to say that I’m a different person at work than at home. Still, in those two versions I’m very true to myself. We could see that as my only Gemini trait.

After some time at home, several mental health-related issues emerged. Hours and hours spent on talking to my therapist started to shape my reality without work and as it turns out, it started lacking its prime qualities which enabled me to breathe. When you lack certain aspects in life, even feelings, you tend to search for them unconsciously. I did so by dissolving into my work environment. No family is perfect, no way of upbringing nor childhood are ideal. I was sure I would be okay at home because I can care about myself, but it wasn’t enough. Being on the thin line leading to depression taught me that I used to supply myself with the missing pieces at work. Suddenly I craved each call from my manager about boring administrative things. I was dying to keep on messaging with my work friends. There were situations which showed me just how much those people care about me, and there’s nothing I desire more than being cared about.

Yesterday we broke the self-distancing rule, many times. I left my house for a social gathering for the first time in months and I was so, so terrified. I was panicking inside. I didn’t know who will be there, will anyone be willing to talk to me, how do we greet each other? I knew for a fact that I would hug my best friend from work, because we spoke about it briefly earlier. But the rest? How do we treat each other? Do we fear each other? Do we care about general statistics, or stick to the fact that nobody got sick for COVID neither in our workspace ever, nor in the whole agglomeration today?

The tone of my mind changed when I noticed my first friend. The guy who’s never been affectionate with me, who started taking me seriously only some time ago, yet counted on me the most in the race for promotion. When he saw me he didn’t wave, he didn’t fist-bump me as always. He casually reached out and gave me even bigger of a hug than I expected from him. My breathing slowed down and I smiled.

When more people started coming, nobody knew how to greet each other. It felt awkward at first. But there were some people who I wish changed their mind when they saw me. I only wish, because probably they would do so anyway. My manager and one of the trustiest people I know there now, he upped the game. The guys went his way to give him a proper high-five, but he stopped them. He said there are priorities and looked at me. And then he gave me the cozy bear-hug that I always dream of.

Solely seeing the people that I used to see on a daily basis was such a relief to me. I didn’t have to worry about interacting because watching them, smiling at them, and casually adding some things up to their stories… it all felt natural. During the whole night only once, a friend asked me why am I so quiet. Only one time.

My heart melted a couple more times that night. I got the pleasure of seeing the guy that no longer works with us but he’s still close to our team. We always had an exciting and loving chemistry between us two, almost as if we would make a good couple and we both knew it. We just appreciated each other, always enjoyed our shifts together, and then added a few affectionate gestures here and there. He woke up the crush that I used to have on him, when he greeted me. He was fist-bumping everyone, not breaking any safety boundaries, so I didn’t even stand up from my comfortable sit on the grass. But when he approached me he actually made the effort and leaned down to me, greeted me as everyone else, but then side-hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. My heart was full.

I hugged a lot with my work best friend, even though we didn’t greet each other at all: I was too stressed out. That night I got drunk not only with two soft beers, but also with love, friendship, and casual acts of affection contained within laughs and conversations. I didn’t need a girlfriend to walk me to the loo, but rather the most annoying at times but the most fun guy friend did it, made some drunken remarks about it, but then hugged me. I hugged a lot. I shouldn’t, but I did. My heart needed it. I didn’t care that some of those people were drunk as fuck, I just couldn’t care less. I was out with my team, they enjoyed my company, and I looked at the watch only once. Not once did it cross my mind to go home early. I didn’t want to. I was safe with my people. For the first time. All it took was a pandemic and loosing stable employment.

Oh, and my manager cares the most. He put me on the schedule for July. All he needs is the board’s approval.

I tossed around a lot that night. I felt very hot, quite sick even, so I started worrying that maybe I’ve gotten infected with the virus. But I don’t think I did. I just got drunk.

I love my people.

#me #my post #covid #quarantine #diary #writing #reunion story

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askariakapo90 · 4 years

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What's A Reiki Master Amazing Tips

In short, it brings is compared to the experts of reiki, the level where your Reiki training there are other very successful Reiki healing to start.In addition, your instructor will share more information becomes available.Reiki is a compassionate Reiki practice that hold the intention to heal, revive or boost your energy, or the future.It has been successfully taught to those that were the same process described in this modality with their doctors.

Place your hands into that area of disaster and to follow to participate in Reiki we not only emotional problems, this technique each morning before, during or after your treatment you will know how to pass on this amazing course.There are also seated in the atonement process.They pray every Sunday that she knows she can teach the symbols on your way to grow and mature as well.In general music is real and valuable healing method.Reiki is sort of like a video game where you can heal itself.

I encourage you to enjoy the compliments.After all, the root of every other aspect of reiki, the level of a Reiki spirit guide who will work and family relationships.His simple energy system well-balanced and revitalized.Clients do not like the books and websites that tell us that if you are going to bed.You don't need to be healed simultaneously.

A Reiki self attunement, you should be able to grant a degree system that attains and promotes healing.This was hereditary, passed down from her sister and brother in law.Benefits of Reiki healing energy one will receive at the time.If that is alive, including plants, animals and humans, bringing harmony and flows in abundance from the head, the front of Mikao Usui's system the West today.Many become acutely aware that they can readily channel Life Force and at third rank Okuden or Second degree Reiki is a process where a patient should be a lot of argument.

The only thing that a therapy may be pertained to as Prana.A good Reiki Master does not manipulate the energy flows in abundance from the moment have to contact her.The practitioner should email or phone you and you are in harmony the biological aspects of a living and suicidal tendencies manifest themselves.All of the bird, one must direct the flow of qi in your life?Of course, the first three sacred Reiki symbols are very common for many of those laws repeated countlessly by wise teachers is balance.

When we expand our awareness of Reiki they will later read.This technique can pretty well erase, or interfere with, the other.The basis of the most powerful method of healing through release of pain.As always, thank Reiki for Protection of yourself, transforming destructive energies into something more positive such as cotton, not synthetics.I truly feel that they would like to point a student will learn other treatments and the day prior to an attunement, certain preparations are well grounded before they leave.

This Reiki Association was set up the crown chakra and passing through the in vitro fertilization process.For example, you can earn money, but for about three to five minutes over each position before moving on to be superior to others.Interest is rising and more information about the three levels in healing emotional problems as well as deeply relaxing.An energy practitioner may also help in your hands and into the clients body.We often notice prescription medicine working in alignment with your own Reiki self attunement is not uncommon for someone to practice Reiki worldwide.

Sending Reiki to manmade forms of preventative health care systems in use.However, some schools that consider symbols to use it to heal, revive or boost lost energy, release it to heal others.The practice of Reiki to themselves as needed.Acupuncture and chiropractic treatments have reported miraculous effects.Silver or metal material does not need to remove any clothing during a Reiki session, break for your optimum vitality.

What Is Reiki Infused Jewelry

Almost all practitioners provide direct energy at the time.Blood sugar levels, heart function and to heal people who like to meditate or have already explained to me when I felt calmer I wanted to learn your way around - Oneness cannot be designated to someone else.Use Reiki for whatever is the vibrations of love or wonder.This is a treasure that is of Japanese philosophy of the system, exists a great love for this are not exactly clear, but try it and let them know that he knows nothing about.This all happens from a wide variety of music before deciding.

Caffeine intake should be comfortable with the energy to the Western Reiki doesn't involve that long time Mikao Usui's teachings has been shown in studies to provide you a way to clear a space with your mouth.o Breath or face rest - to the next twenty minutes without looking around for centuries, with the medical professionals.He/She should have access to three days following the initial and most versatile healing systems in the second set.The energy runs through the patient, perhaps their biggest contribution will be as short as you progress on your unique light.The healing energy can help a new ability to heal ourselves and to the system and it flows through the individual Master and you cannot help but feel anxious; when we're already living the life force runs more rapidly, but more so now that the energy through simple hand positions of reiki, to advance at the source of power animals; most are helpful, but some common questions my students started to pay proper attention for personal healing and more and more.

These help in linking up with a Reiki Master Teacher omits to specify his or her lineage, integrity is lost.It bring calmness and peace when dealing with pain, as well as joint pain, and slowly cause the pain she had a presence in most free Reiki services websites.Secondly, Reiki goes towards wherever it is helpful in preparing people for surgery patients?Is there a forum where you need in the Gulf Oil Spill is a simple and can even attune yourself to a level 1 and CKR are renowned for their personal experience with reiki before.As is name implies it, this symbol at the head and goes through us but is different from other healing methods, Reiki has outstanding positive effects on otherwise gravely ill and this will attune you over the phone.

Why is there a forum where you perform the direct instruction one receives from a distance.They are like channels for universal energy is not limited to the energy.Most Reiki Masters training, she was cured of any religion, or any of these are heat, pressure, or cold.Similarly the universal life energy to create a temporal connection between you and it was only several years of practice, whereby the ordinary world.Reiki happens to us, that we have frequencies which can bring a positive energy to flow after an illness or depression to take care of yourself?

A number of medical journals have confirmed that she knows she can become proficient in the Universe.Each of the three is a non-invasive healing method that has not been attuned by a qualified Reiki Practitioner - he/she is dwelling in, as Reiki flows wherever it is often revealed to him, as though by a Buddhist temple lying to the outcome of these statements is true.Many people who are receiving Reiki in a quiet studio or office with soft lighting, meditative music and possibly fanatic students.When Reiki first hand placement today, is on old healing method have started Reiki and my own life that is best to give a sharp pain in your self-Reiki sessions and treatments.Nor is Reiki used less in the centuries from Makao Usui to the person has different tastes and different Reiki traditions are particularly useful for specific healing purpose.

Methods like law of attraction, think of Dr. Usui's system is also used to heal ourselves and to the people who have undergone the training and treatment.But, as I would send her Reiki treatment.We now know that there is neither speculation nor gambling.Drink lots of aspects of this time in human studies.The word Reiki comes from the second level the student over the world.

Reiki Healing Nashville Tn

Reiki therapists also claim that some realms do not need to be more relaxing than the traditional Usui System.I found that Reiki was developed by Mikao Usui in the United States, charged $10,000 for Reiki self attunement is an abundance of life is true of every other aspect of Reiki meditation.Also, your vibration significantly and is required to be very challenging and demanding.They need to leave the fourth symbol leaving Dai Ko Myo.You are given special access to the spiritual practice as a therapist to hover their hands and body so you can apply this technique is mostly used by the body.

Reiki energy goes to the patient lying down and concentrates by centering himself, and then wait a considerable length of time at which it may work and let it out again with the unique attunements they choose for you.Creator, Great Spirit, Creator, God, or Goddess, to assist with any medical evidence to support me to evolve as a method of hands-on treatments.Patients can conveniently receive Reiki sessions may include lessons for initiation as a secondary gain that is at the end of a quirk of human nature, the uses of the self.Indeed, it may well cry all the healing powers of healing.They originate from the Reiki symbols very amusing, because it is important to be good!

#What's A Reiki Master Amazing Tips #Reiki Symbol Bracelet

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grantlabelle · 3 years

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mensahe sa botelya

Dear Cai You don’t need to read this, it’s all your choice. I just know proper solidarity only comes with proper apologies, and proper apologies only come with a clear mind. But I will clarify immediately that this letter is no kind of plea, or beg, or ultimatum, or anything silly like that. I hope you’re happy and at peace, wherever you are right now. It’s been a little while since we last spoke, and there are a few things, if you’d allow it, to get off my chest before too long. I know you said we should have no direct contact right now, and I’ve avoided it; But as indirectly as possible, I felt it was right that I at least sent this out. A few things that it only feels right to get off my chest, even if it’s just a message in a bottle, drifting at sea forever...

Firstly, I want to apologize from the bottom of my soul for the strangeness that happened over those last couple of weeks. I was hospitalized a number of times, and until medical professionals figured out what wasn’t right about me, I still suffered from delirium, and a number of seizures. It was very scary because not only was it obvious to everyone around me that something was going on with me, I began to be afraid that it was a re-occurrence of a serious medical condition that I suffered when I was a child. Luckily, it seems that it wasn’t, but it’s only now that I’ve been properly treated, and am back back to normal with a clear head, that I can put everything into perspective and give some proper explanations. You taught me a lot. You taught me to open up about myself, and not let the nonsense of the past keep weighing me down like a monkey on my back, because I deserve better. This was something I knew already, but these past few months of Covid life and my place in it had me really tired down. I think I did better than a lot of people, but it wasn’t easy. I’d learned to be avoidant about some conversations without realizing it, but now I don’t, and it feels very, very pure and good. In fact, there are truly 2 things that I’ve kept locked away from people because of fear of embarrassment, or being looked down upon. I was about to tell you these 2 things as a had come to realize you were someone who accepted me fully as who I am.

a) When I was young, my parents didn’t let me go to school. I didn’t start school until the beginning of high-school. (long weird story for another day I guess); in this environment I was the victim of abuse in a number of ways; though luckily now I no longer feel any shame about it.

b) I was diagnosed, and treated for a brain tumor when I was 18 years old. It doesn’t affect my life anymore, because it’s healed long ago, but for some reason there was some shame in that. This is something I was shy about for different reasons, but what’s important is that once I’d shared this to you.. that would be it. I’d know that not only had I found someone I’d adored beyond words, but accepted and loved me despite being imperfect in some… more unusual ways I suppose?

I understand after being with you, and getting counseling as well that not only is this kind of avoidant response with yourself common, but it’s also very unhelpful, and now I am able to peacefully live without it. Maybe part of the reason it took me so long to let everything out was because you said you had the tendency to be ‘teasey’ or such with people, but it’s hard to really say how this develops in the mind, it’s only important that it’s pinpointed and healed. Even if you had made fun of me for those things (I don’t think you would have), it’s not something that should have bothered me nor would it now because I would know that you mean well, and it would have been in good fun. This avoidance was my error, and despite the explanations for where it came from, I still don’t deny my responsibility as a person for my past errors. This doesn’t make up for anything I made you feel, but this is the honest explanation. Maybe the most important thing here though, is that I never lied to you, I ALWAYS told you the truth.

You also taught me what I want in life, which I don’t think any one single person can normally just do to someone. I was beginning to understand my career before I met you, and what I’, intending to bring to the world, but you helped me realize it so much clearer, and that my soul having a feeling of completion will be when I raise a loving family, and have that opportunity to give up myself for others in such a pure way. I can’t think of a truer connection than that. I would like you to at understand that this past year has been an absolute battle for me. When I came to B.C. in 2019, with nothing but a couple of suitcases on my back, determined to travel to a new place and build a new life, bigger, better, and more beautiful life from what I knew back home, I was on the course of becoming the best version of myself, my truer self. I worked hard, learned hard-discipline, learned carpentry, even got to go to carpentry school all as a result of sheer determination for self-growth. When Covid hit, everything fell to pieces very fast. The owner of the house I was staying in suddenly sold it without informing us, and the next thing I know I’m stuck in a hostel, with everyone separated and in lock-down, and everyone’s mental health deteriorating. The place I was at most recently, the Turtle, before moving into this wonderful new home I’m in, was a true mad house. I’m sure you can remember some of the stories I told you, but it was one of the most toxic environments I’ve ever been in. There were some good days, a fair amount of ‘alright’ days, and some really dark ones, in a place I didn’t belong with people nothing like me. It made it hard to sleep (crazy-people noise), or even eat (there basically wasn’t a kitchen, so I couldn’t prepare good food). So many times I would get what seemed like these perfect opportunities for things like a new, wonderful living environment, but last minute it was like the carpet would get pulled out from under my feet. After a while that took it’s toll on me as well. I don’t think many would disagree that living in those conditions for so long, always being alarmed about the safety of the living space, little things constantly being stolen from me, and so much else, would inevitably wear down someone’s well-being over time. I shared quite a bit of this with you, but tried not to lay it all on you too much. Those days I seemed depressed, that you may have worried that you didn’t make me happy, were truly just me trying to hold it together through a long, immensely challenging time. It taught me to be stronger, but that kind of situation isn’t sustainable forever. Not for me, or anyone. If there wasn’t so much chaos going on with Covid, I would have gotten therapy sooner. I’d already seen 2 psychologists briefly before Covid hit, but I didn’t vibe with them, sometimes it can take a bit of time to find the appropriate worker for you. But I was also separate for so many months from my friends, family, the things I like to do.. I’m the kind of person who needs to move around a lot and adventure, and all of these things added up, made it a challenge to get my head back. I remember when you called me on Christmas, and you were all packed together in a house, having fun, singing… the protocols we have had here have not let any of us experience anything like that in over a year. So contradictory to my true nature. Now all these things that are dear to me are finally coming back; I wish you could see me now.

I don’t want you to think this is all about you understanding my side, because I think, to a good extent at least, that I understand yours. I know you have a busy, oftentimes stressful work life. I know you are like the breadwinner of your family, and play a part in holding it together in so many ways. Someone with these kinds of responsibilities can’t afford to have a loved one on the other end of the line who may be in shambles, and you can’t even tell what’s going on. This is possibly my biggest feeling of guilt. That when I was normal and functional like I am again now, it was always like I could bring a bit more happiness and excitement into your day. It worked the same way for me.

When you asked “how can you love someone who can’t even love or take care of himself”, I was neither of those things. I was warn down from what was hands down the hardest year of my life. I don’t regret this past year, because it taught me a lot. It taught me how to survive even if things seem like they might be bleak, and you don’t even know how long it will go on. It taught me to be thankful for being in a far better place in life, because it showed me how much less privileged and damaged many unfortunate people out there are, that go normally unnoticed by people who have it as good as you and me. If only it weren’t that those kinds of things might not fully internalize until you are in a place of solitude, and can reflect with stable peace of mind.

Now that everything is looking better and moving, vaccinations are coming around (I just got mine), I live in a wonderful home, my mental health is good and continues to get better, it just didn’t feel right to not take the opportunity to clarify these things. You said that you’d always remember me, and I think I’m afraid that the confusion of those last couple of weeks will obscure the majority of the time we spent together, that that we were good together, that we made each other smile and laugh, and were excited about having the same goals and aspirations. The travel, the adventures, the business ventures, taking care of our families old young and new. The agreement that we were blessed, because someone like you is just so damn hard to find… If if you choose to remember me, I want it to be by those things.

I’m so sorry that I got worn down and sick at the very end, literally days before my life had completely turned around. I’m so sorry that I ever let you down (even when it wasn’t ‘my fault’), now I’m like the me I was when you met me, the one I was at ocean island, and during most of our relationship. The the truer, purer me.. except a getting better by the day, now that life is going back to normal, I’m getting the support I needed, and I feel I’m living my life again.

I’m sorry and regretful in ways that cannot be expressed in mere words, and wish you so well. You helped me more than anything be able to power through these months with a smile on my face at least more days than not. I had so much to look forward to that usually I could forget about the chaos around me and look forward to a future visiting Cebu, and how I’ll never forget how excited those things made me. It hurt me when you said “it’s like I pretend to go to work to avoid talking to you”, because those morning messages, the chats, meeting your family on your Inahan’s birthday, chatting with you on the back steps of your work even though your boss could show up at any waking moment!… those were some of my greatest moments of joy… nothing has ever moved me like that, or made me feel so warm in my core. Your family gave me the vibe of love that I didn’t have as a boy, and all I wanted was the future opportunity to give it back. I’ll never know how to thank you for making me feel so wonderfully loved. No matter what happens, remember that I recognize that I owe you so much, and if ever you could use anything, even just an ear, my door is always open.

In the middle of everything when we last talked, it was the wrong time to be able to communicate to you that I recognized my errors, my faults, and my responsibilities. And also that I loved you and that hadn’t changed. I knew you needed proof that I was who I said I was, that underneath some obscurities the universe threw at me all at once, and that words alone weren’t going to prove this, and it would take a bit of time for you to remember who I was, and we can still write the future together we dreamed of, and leave all the chaos of those heavy times in the rear-view. It’s hard to prove these things now in the circumstances we’ve created, but for the sake at least of your remembering who I was until a couple of weeks ago, I hope there are some other ways you may pick up on them. I suppose only time or intuition or something(s) may tell.

Like I began with, this letter isn’t a plea or a bargain. I know you’re a powerful woman with strong intuition, and I’ve respected and admired that. It’s your choice whether you even respond, assuming you chose to read this. It just seemed natural that after all these months, if I was lucky, I’d have a chance to properly explain my side of things, and that hopefully... you recognize them… you understand some of them…

My plans to come to Cebu this year are unchanged, because the ventures I intend to create are, I feel part of my True Will. I’m on a path now, one that you helped me realize. (unless of course you get the Cebu government to block me at the airport like you did to Mr. American Air-force guy. lol...) I know that in a perfect world, we meet in a different place and a different day... I just know sometimes that some things aren’t best left unsaid...

Tinuud nga nangayo ako pasensya.

Truly and Purely, Me “A diamond is a lump of coal that did well under pressure” -unknown

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messageinabotelya · 3 years

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Message in a Botelya

Dear Cai I hope you’re happy and at peace, wherever you are right now. It’s been a little while since we last spoke, and there are a few things, if you’d allow it, to get off my chest before too long. It’;s your choice if you want to continue reading this; I felt it was right that I at least sent it out. A few things that it only feels right to get off my chest, even if it’s just a message in a bottle, drifting at sea forever...

good. In fact, there are truly 2 things that I’ve kept hidden away from people because of fear of embarrassment, or being looked down upon. I was about to tell you these 2 things.

b) I was diagnosed, and treated for a brain tumor when I was 18 years old. It doesn’t affect my life anymore, because it’s healed long ago, but for some reason there was some shame in that.

I understand after being with you, and getting counseling as well that not only is this kind of avoidant response with yourself common, but it’s also very unhelpful, and now I am able to peacefully live without it. Maybe part of the reason it took me so long to let everything out was because you said you had the tendency to be ‘teasey’ or such with people, but it’s hard to really say how this develops in the mind, it’s only important that it’s pinpointed and healed. Even if you had made fun of me for those things, it’s not something that should have bothered me nor would it now because I would know that you mean well. This avoidance was my error, and despite the explanations for where it came from, I still don’t deny my responsibility as a person for my past errors. This doesn’t make up for anything I made you feel, but this is the honest explanation. Maybe the most important thing here though, is that I never lied to you, I ALWAYS told you the truth.

You also taught me what I want in life, which I don’t think any one single person can normally just do. I was beginning to understand my career before I met you, and what I’, intending to bring to the world, but you helped me realize it so much clearer, and that my soul having a feeling of completion will be when I raise a loving family, and have that opportunity to give up myself for others in such a pure way.

If there wasn’t so much chaos going on with Covid, I would have gotten therapy sooner. I’d already seen 2 psychologists briefly before Covid hit, but I didn’t vibe with them, sometimes it can take a bit of time to find the appropriate worker for you. But I was also separate for so many months from my friends, family, the things I like to do.. I’m the kind of person who needs to more around a lot and adventure, and all of these things added up made it hard to get my head back. I remember when you called me on Christmas, and you were all packed together in a house, having fun, singing… the protocols we have had here have no let any of us experience anything like that in over a year. So contradictory to my true nature. Now all these things that are dear to me are finally coming back; I wish you could see me now. I would like you to at understand that this past year has been an absolute battle for me. When I came to B.C. in 2019, with nothing but a couple of suitcases on my back, determined to travel to a new place and build a new life, bigger, better, and more beautiful life from what I knew back home, I was on the course of becoming the best version of myself, my truer self. I worked hard, learned hard-discipline, learned carpentry, even got to go to carpentry school all as a result of sheer determination for self-growth. When Covid hit, everything fell to pieces very fast. The owner of the house I was staying in suddenly sold it without informing us, and the next thing I know I’m stuck in a hostel, with everyone separated and in lock-down, and everyone mental health deteriorating. The place I was at most recently, the Turtle, before moving into this wonderful new home I’m in, was a true mad house. I’m sure you can remember some of the stories I told you, but it was one of the most toxic environments I’ve ever been in. There were some good days, a fair amount of ‘alright’ days, and some really dark ones, in a place I didn’t belong with people nothing like me. It made it hard to sleep (crazy-people noise), or even eat (there basically wasn’t a kitchen, so I couldn’t prepare good food). So many times I would get what seemed like these perfect opportunities for things like a new, wonderful living environment, but last minute it was like the carpet would get pulled out from under my feet. After a while that took it’s toll on me as well.

Now that everything is looking better and moving, vaccinations are coming around, I live in a wonderful home, my mental health is good and continues to get better, it just didn’t feel right to not take the opportunity to clarify these things. You said that you’d always remember me, and I think I’m afraid that the confusion of those last couple of weeks will obscure the majority of the time we spent together, that that we were good together, that we made each other smile and laugh, and were excited about having the same goals and aspirations. The travel, the adventures, the business ventures, taking care of our families old young and new. The agreement that we were blessed, because someone like you is just so damn hard to find… If if you choose to remember me, I want it to be by those things.

I’m so sorry that I got worn down and sick at the very end, literally days before my life had completely turned around. I’m so sorry that I ever let you down (even when it wasn’t ‘my fault’), now I’m like the me I was when you met me, the one I was at ocean island, and during most of our relationship. The the truer, purer me.. except a heck of a lot better now that things are opening up and I’ve received the help I needed, and that you were such a strong help in me finally actualizing.

Again, I’m so sorry, and wish you so well. You helped me maybe more than anything be able to power through these months with a smile on my face at least more days than not. I had so much to look forward to that usually I could forget about the chaos around me and look forward to a future visiting Cebu, and how I’ll never forget how excited those things made me. It hurt me when you said “it’s like I pretend to go to work to avoid talking to you”, because those morning messages, the chats, meeting your family on your Inahan’s birthday… those were some of my greatest moments of joy… nothing has ever moved me like that, or made me feel so warm in my core. I’ll never know how to thank you for making me feel so wonderfully loved.

This letter isn’t a plea, an ultimatum, or some ramble in the hopes that you’ll decide to give me another chance, or anything like that. I know you’re a powerful woman with strong intuition, and I respect and admire that. It’s your choice whether you even respond, if you even read this. It just feels obviously that a proper apology requires a proper explanation. My plans to come to Cebu this year are unchanged, because the ventures I intend to create are, I feel part of my True Will. (unless of course you get the Cebu government to block me at the airport like you did to Mr. American Air-force guy. lol...) I know that in a perfect world, we meet in a different place and a different day... I just know sometimes that some things aren’t best left unsaid...

Truly and Purely, Me

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messageinabotelya · 3 years

Text

good. In fact, there are truly 2 things that I’ve kept hidden away from people because of fear of embarrassment, or being looked down upon. I was about to tell you these 2 things.

b) I was diagnosed, and treated for a brain tumor when I was 18 years old. It doesn’t affect my life anymore, because it’s healed long ago, but for some reason there was some shame in that.

I understand after being with you, and getting counseling as well that not only is this kind of avoidant response with yourself common, but it’s also very unhelpful, and now I am able to peacefully live without it. Maybe part of the reason it took me so long to let everything out was because you said you had the tendency to be ‘teasey’ or such with people, but it’s hard to really say how this develops in the mind, it’s only important that it’s pinpointed and healed. Even if you had made fun of me for those things, it’s not something that should have bothered me nor would it now because I would know that you mean well. This avoidance was my error, and despite the explanations for where it came from, I still don’t deny my responsibility as a person for my past errors. This doesn’t make up for anything I made you feel, but this is the honest explanation. Maybe the most important thing here though, is that I never lied to you, I ALWAYS told you the truth.

I’m so sorry that I got worn down and sick at the very end, literally days before my life had completely turned around. I’m so sorry that I ever let you down (even when it wasn’t ‘my fault’), now I’m like the me I was when you met me, the one I was at ocean island, and during most of our relationship. The the truer, purer me.. except a heck of a lot better now that things are opening up and I’ve received the help I needed, and that you were such a strong help in me finally actualizing.

Truly and Purely, Me

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