#no cousin or aunt has curly hair either damn

[acidsaladd]

coaching my lil brother thru trying something new with his hair as if i know what im doing

[hopelikethemoon]

First Words (Javier x Readr) {MTMF}

Tile: First Words Rating: PG Length: 2100 Warnings: Fluff Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Set in 1993 after A Dance Owed.  Summary: Reader and Javier spend their last day in Laredo and it’s one of firsts.

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“She’s gonna say abuelo before she gets either of our names right.” Javier said lightly as he walked in from the back patio, sliding the screen door shut behind him. “Wrapped around his finger.”

“Josie’s fond of her Peña men.” You retorted, glancing up at him for a second before turning your attention back to the tomatillos you had boiling on the stove. “I can’t say I blame her, however—“ 

Javier arched a brow at you as he walked further into the kitchen, “However?”

“I can’t help but feel like I’m being a little set up here.” You told him, reaching for the spoon and giving the pot a stir. 

“I told you I’d help.” He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth as he gave you a look. “But I know you know how to make it.” 

“I do know how to make verde. It’s simple.” You retorted, setting the spoon back onto the stone holder on the counter. “But I’ve made this for the two of us, not your extended family.”

You knew Chucho and Javier were just trying to make you feel like part of the family — because you were, but at the same time they’d inadvertently set you up for failure. 

“Hey,” Javier said lowly, hooking his finger into the belt loop of your jeans as he drew you away from the boiling pot. “They’ll love it.” He assured you, smoothing his hand down your hip. “You made a good impression at the wedding.”

“I figured the only impression I made was — that poor girl Javier accidentally got knocked up.” You taunted, cocking your head to the side as you looked up at him. “I’ve never had to do the extended family thing.”

“Me neither.” Javier clicked his tongue against his teeth. 

You gave him a skeptical look, “You almost married a woman, Javier. You never met Lorraine’s grandparents? Her aunt? A weird uncle?”

He scratched at the back of his neck and glanced downwards, “Touché.” 

“That’s what I figured.” You grabbed the dish towel off the counter and swatted him in the thigh with it. “If you’re going to stay in here, get the blender out.”

You’d had a handful of serious relationships in your life, and every time they got remotely close to really serious you’d quickly found a reason to skirt out of it unscathed. 

Maybe you didn’t want to admit it aloud, but that was exactly what had happened with Lance too. Except it was paired with the sobering realization that you wanted Javier — who had seemed unattainable. 

Who never once gave you the impression that underneath his bachelor veneer, that he could be something like a family man. When you first met him you never would’ve imagined yourself standing in Texas in his father’s kitchen, making salsa verde because his tia was coming over to visit before you went home to Miami. 

“Baby, did you remember cilantro?” Javier questioned as he hauled out the blender and plugged it in on the counter by the microwave. 

“There are so many knives in this kitchen.” You shot him a look over your shoulder. “And don’t the neighbors have pigs?”

“Ouch.” He feigned injuring, clutching at his chest. “I might have to take my offer to take ownership of the verde off the table.”

“Ha. Ha.” You laughed humorlessly, shutting off the stovetop. 

Javier leaned against the counter opposite of you, arms folded across his chest as he watched you work. You could feel his eyes on you as you blended down the sauce in small increments, before pouring them into a bowl to cool. 

“You know, they all adored you.” He told you, once you shut off the blender. “Pretty sure they couldn’t figure out what you were doing with me, but that didn’t change that they adored you.” 

You smiled at him as you cleaned up the mess you had made, tucking the dirty dishes into the sink, “They’ve all made me feel so welcome. Doesn’t mean I’m not nervous.” 

You recognized that some of the kindness was probably pity. You weren’t stupid — you were fully aware of the optics of the situation. 

Javier had a history of burnt bridges; a history that his entire family and the whole goddamn town knew about. You and Josie probably looked pretty flammable to them. If only they knew you’d been made flame resistant from all the bridges you’d set alight while standing on them. 

They hadn’t seen him in Colombia after Josie was born. They hadn’t been there through the years that mattered. 

Chucho was probably the only one who actually believed that you’d still be around next Christmas.

“Just one more night, baby.” Javier reminded you as he crowded in close to you at the sink. “Then we’ll be in Miami.”

You sank back against him and sighed heavily, “I’m looking forward to it being just the three of us again.” You curled your fingers around his arm as he curled them around your waist. “I haven’t spoken to my own brother in years. You can imagine how navigating your extended family feels.”

“You do it so well,” He pressed a kiss to the crook of your neck. “Couldn’t even tell you were nervous.”

You elbowed him in the gut, making him swear as you twisted around in his hold. “Fuck off.” You taunted, leaning up to press a kiss to his lips before slipping away from him. “I’m gonna go see what Josie and Chucho are up to.” You gestured to the cooling dish. “Finish our verde.” 

Javier clicked his tongue against his teeth and nodded, “I’ll be out there in a bit.” He told you as you slid the back door open and stepped outside onto the patio. 

Laredo was a nice change of pace from Colombia. Wide open spaces and a little peace and quiet. You almost regretted that the three of you would be moving back into an apartment in a few days. 

You tried to picture what a younger Javier looked like working on the ranch alongside his father. You’d seen the pictures in frames on the walls, the old high school graduation picture stuck on the side of the fridge alongside the pictures of his cousins and their kids. 

It was hard to picture him without the mustache, the worry lines, and the weight of life on his shoulders. 

You shielded your eyes from the sun, looking across the yard towards one of the horse paddocks where Chucho had Josie. 

You couldn’t picture Javier as a younger man, but you could picture Josie growing up here. Christmases, birthdays, family reunions. Snapshots of life that you couldn’t relate to. 

All you wanted was for Josie to have a normal childhood. A happy childhood. Two parents who loved each other, a stable home life, extended family members who cared. You wanted her to have everything you didn’t have growing up. 

You never wanted her to worry. 

“How are you doing, chica?” Chucho called out as he started back across the yard towards the patio. “You get that verde finished?”

“Javier’s finishing it up.” You answered, hugging your sweater around your middle as you moved to sit down in one of the chairs around the stone fire pit. “How’s Miss Josie?”

“Having the time of her little life.” Chucho bounced her in his arms and she giggled and squealed. “Give it two years and I’ll have her out there on one of my best mares.” 

You laughed, holding your arms out to take her as she tried to squirm out of Chucho’s hold to get to you. You could tell she was tired — but she was trying to soldier through it. 

“She’ll never want to leave then!” You kissed the top of her head as she flopped against your chest. “You’re going to need a nap before dinner.” You brushed your fingers through her curly hair as she sighed dramatically. 

“Javier was a natural in the saddle,” Chucho recalled as he sank down into a chair across from you. He gestured out towards pasture. “Not even two and I had him in the saddle with me, going out to check on the fence line after a storm.”

“You could probably convince me to let her ride when she’s three.” You offered with a short laugh, rocking her in your arms. 

“Deal.” He chuckled, adjusting his hat on his head as he sank back in the chair. “You looking forward to the big move?”

You shrugged, “I’m looking forward to being settled. It’ll be good to see our friends again. To get back into a rhythm.” 

“Never thought I’d see Javier settled.” Chucho told you, shaking his head slowly. “But it’s a good look on him.” 

“He’s a really good father.” You smiled warmly, looking towards the back door, you could just barely see Javier through the glass as he moved across the kitchen. “I know the situation isn’t ideal—“

“No.” Chucho cut you off. “Things happen for a reason. They always do. There’s no such thing as ideal or not. The two of you are good together.”

“Yeah, we are.” You agreed, kissing the top of Josie’s head again. “It’s all just very new for me.” You admitted. “The wedding was a lot.”

“Would’ve gone better if Javier had given his old man a head’s up.”

You felt your cheeks warm, “I know.” 

“Everyone was real impressed with you.” Chucho told you, “Javier was worried.”

You frowned, “He was worried?”

“That they wouldn’t welcome you with open arms.” 

“Oh.” You had assumed he meant that Javier has been worried that you wouldn’t fit in. But he’d been worried for you. “I really appreciated being included. I mean, I did show up unannounced.”

He waved a hand, “You know what you need?”

“A stiff drink?” You laughed. 

“A joint.”

“Excuse me?”

Chucho gave you a look, “You didn’t strike me as a tight ass like Javier.”

“I’m not.” Your brows furrowed together. “Just so we’re clear — you mean a joint joint, right?”

“Is there any other kind?” He questioned as he stood up slowly. “Old age takes its toll on you and I’ve found a bit of marijuana helps take the edge off.”

“I would agree but,” You gestured to Josie. “I’m still breastfeeding her. As tempting as the offer is.” You glanced back towards the house, “Does Javi know?”

Chucho shook his head, “Let’s keep this between the two of us.”

You grinned, “Now I really do feel like part of the family.” 

The back door slid open and Javier stepped out onto the patio. “The verde is finished and the blender’s washed and put back up.”

“Look at that,” Chucho clicked his tongue against his teeth. “He cleans too.”

“Funny, pops.” Javier retorted as he strolled over to where you were sitting. “Real funny.”

Josie perked up the second she heard Javier’s voice, scrambling to get out of your arms. “Da-da!”

Javier stopped dead in his tracks, looking between you and Josie. “Did she just—?”

“Can you say it again?” You questioned, smoothing out her curls as you turned her in your arms so that she was reclining back against your chest and facing Javier. “Can you say daddy?”

Javier knelt down in front of you, grinning from ear-to-ear at Josie. “Come on, princesa. You know you want to say it.”

She clapped her hands together, rocking back against your chest. “D-d-d!” 

“Say daddy.” You kissed the top of her head. 

“Are you going to say daddy, JoJo?” Javier questioned, tapping his finger against her nose as he leaned in to kiss her cheeks. “Say daddy.” 

Josie let out a shrill squeal, “Dada!” 

You grinned down at him, “Javi!”

“Ha ha ha!” Josie cooed, tilting her head back against your chest to look up at you. “Da da da!”

Javier gave your knee a squeeze as he met your eyes, “Baby, you’re gonna have to pinch me.” He glanced back at his father then, “You hear that pops?”

“I sure did.” Chucho smiled at both of you. “You know, I think I’m gonna take the truck out and check on some work I sent the boys to sort out this week. I’ll be back before they show up.”

“You need any help?”

Chucho shook his head, “You stay right here, Javier.” He gave you a knowing look, before heading back in the house. 

“Are we sure she said daddy?” Javier questioned as he scooped her up, cradling her against his chest as she babbled nonsensically. 

“I am certain.” You assured him, your heart aching from just how happy you felt. The joy on Javier’s face made everything worth it. The nerves, the worry, the anxiety, the uncertainty. Those two people made it all worth it. 

This was the Javier that no one else saw. The Javier that was madly in love with the tiny baby girl that the two of you had brought into the world. The Javier that was looking forward to being a stay-at-home dad. 

“Now we’ve got to get you saying mommy.” Javier murmured to Josie as he bounced her in his arms. 

[kiddoryder]

Gemini Frame Up

Hey guys! Sorry for the long delay, I was busy with school and my allergies kicked me in the butt XP but I’m all better!

 Anyway, based on a rp I did with one of my besties @anitoonzforever, this story will be about Sonya/Liz being framed for a crime she didn’t do and it’s up to Charlie and the others to clear her name.

 So relax and enjoy the story!

 It was just a regular day in the hotel, and everybody was relaxing and doing their own thing. Charlie came back from outside getting the mail. It was the usual bills, junk mail, but then she got a letter with an apple design on it which meant it was from her father Lucifer: The King of Hell. Charlie opened the letter and when she was reading it, her eyes widen and squeal in happiness. This got her girlfriend Vaggie, friend Angel Dust and her baby cousin Sonya attention.

 Vaggie - “What is it Charlie? What all the screaming about?”

 Charlie - *excited* “My family is hosting a party and Sonya and I are invited!!”

 Vaggie - *happy* “Oh that's great!”

 Charlie- “And we can bring guest so I'm bringing you and Angel Dust!”

 Angel - “Are you serious?”

 Charlie - “Yes I am serious.”

 Angel - “Why should I go to some fucking fancy Schmancy party?”

 Charlie - “Aw come on Angel it will be fun! Plus I feel like this can help you interact with people as a way to get clean and maybe make some new friends.”

 Angel - “And risk my reputation? No thanks.”

 Sonya: *comes in* “Count me and Liz out too.”

 Vaggie - “What? Why?”

 Sonya - “Because they said that everybody is going to be there. That include more cousins and Liz and I don't like them.”

 Angel - “Why's that?”

 Sonya - “Liz and I are the Forever Black Sheep.”

 Vaggie - *confused* “The forever black sheep? What’s the hell is that?”

 Then they see Liz coming out in shadow form who looks down in shame. Sonya and Charlie gave her a sympathetic look and Sonya took a deep breath and said:

 Sonya - “When Liz came into our lives, most of our family thought I was mentally ill or curse because they discovered Liz as my shadow and whenever Liz came out, she was...kind of...really hyperactive. They kept me locked in the house thinking I wasn’t ready to go out until I was “better”. They would ask different people including uncles, aunts, and cousins to come to help me in a science or magic but not painful way. I know my parents meant well and Liz didn't blame them because they honestly trying to help and didn’t know. But when it comes to the cousins, we would have to spend time with them even at family reunions to keep me company. Whenever Liz came out, she plays with them...very very roughly.”

 Angel - “And they hated it?”

 Sonya - “Every minute of it. Even if Liz didn't come out, the cousins wasn't interest in because I wasn't into girly stuff. I mean,  they would look at me weird I mention different kinds of magic,  or boy stuff like sports. Even they thought I dress weird.”

 Charlie - “You don't dress weird. You're stylish in my eye.”

 Sonya - Thanks but they don't think so. They even think Liz dresses weird. Even it came to stuff like family reunions and all, they would all ignore me and give me the cold shoulder.”

 Charlie - “But luckily for you, I stepped in and help you with Liz. It turns out that not only Sonya was born a Gemini, Liz didn't mean to act hyper she just wanted to play and be part of the family. All I did was taught her the different between right and wrong.”

 Sonya - “That's true. Without Charlie, I don't know where I'd be.”

 Vaggie - “So after Charlie tamed that psycho brat everything was cool?”

 Sonya - *sighs* “Sadly no. Even when Liz was tamed and reveal that we are Gemini's, they still ignore us and gave us the cold shoulder. The only reason we are ever invited because hating me and Liz brings them closer together.”

 Angel - *a little sympathetic* “Did you try talking to them?”

 Sonya - “They won't listen and who cares? They are assholes anyway.”

 Charlie - *kneeled down to Sonya’s height level and put her hands on her shoulder*  I know but this is really important cause it's one of Daddy's galas. You know how much he loves those, and he wants everybody to be there. He will be hurt if you didn’t go.”

 Sonya - *nervously* “Can you just tell him I'm sick or something?”

 Charlie -  “Now you know I can't lie to my parents. Also, your parents are gonna be there too. How about this: you go and just stick by me the whole time? You don't have to talk to them. I won’t force you to talk to them.”

 Sonya - *reluctantly* “Well as long as those punks keep away from me...I guess I can go for a good time.”

 Charlie - *happy* “Cool! We better start getting ready and wear your fanciest clothes you guys.”

 Sonya and Liz roll their eyes but doesn't complain as she and the others get dressed getting ready to go to the gala.  

 ()()()()()()()()()

 Charlie and the others were all downstairs waiting for Sonya. Charlie was wearing a pink fire design shirt with black overall dress. Vaggie was wearing a gray and white dress that had moth designs on it. Angel was wearing a white wig with pink streaks, a red and pink short dress, black panty hose, and red rose heels. He also wore lipstick and mascara on and black long gloves.

 Vaggie - “Man What’s taking Sonya so long?”

 Angel - “Hey some people are concern about their looks. Unlike some girl I know and see every day.”

 Vaggie - *annoyed* “Said the fucking asshole who spent like 50 years in the bathroom putting on makeup!”

 Angel - “At least I make an effort on looking pretty!”

 Vaggie - *about to punch him* “Why you!!”

 Charlie - “Enough! I’m pretty sure Sonya is just wanting to look nice. We can’t rush-“

 Sonya - “I’m ready!”

 Sonya walked downstairs and they all saw that her hair was in two low pigtails, long black fingerless gloves, wearing a headband with a little black top hat on it, a black short cape, a unitarded with a sky-blue tuxedo design, net leggings and high purple black converse.

 Charlie - *amazed* “You look great!”

 Sonya - *smiles* “Thanks. You guys look great too.”

 Vaggie - “Thanks.”

 Angel - “I’m surprise that you actually wearing a unitarded kid.”

 Sonya - “Well it is the least girly thing me and Liz would actually wear. Beside you know how Liz love to mix up outfits she wouldn’t want me to wear just a tuxedo.”

 Charlie - “That’s true. Okay is everybody ready?”

 Vaggie - “I'm ready.”

 Angel - “Me too.”

 Charlie - “Alright let's go in the limo!”

 They went outside and went inside the limo. As they were driving to the mansion, Vaggie seem a little nervous yet excited.

 Vaggie - “I can't believe that I’m actually going to meet Lucifer and Lilith themselves!”

 Angel - “Ya never meet Charlie’s Ma and Pops?”

 Vaggie - “No not really. I mean, they are the rulers of Hell. I didn’t that they would have the time.”

 Charlie - “Don’t worry they will like you guys and I know you will definitely love them!”

  As the others was talking, Sonya was just listening to music on her phone. She noticed that Liz came out looking nervous. Sonya took off her headphones and said:

 Sonya - “It's okay, Liz. Charlie won't let anything happen to us. Besides, we are just gonna stick by her, nothing bad is going to happen.”

 This calm downs Liz and she gave a comforting smile and nods.

 Sonya - *smiles* “That a girl.”

 ()()()()()()()()

 A few minutes later, they arrive at Lucifer’s mansion. Vaggie and Angel Dust was surprised on how huge the mansion is since it’s red and black. Even the front garden look like a huge fancy forest.

 Angel - “Damn! I never realized Charlie was that loaded.”

 Vaggie - “Well what did you expect she’s the Princess of Hell after all.”

 Charlie - *excited*  “Oh this is going to be great!”

 Sonya - *doubtful* “For you maybe.”

 Charlie: Don't worry, baby cousin. Things will be fine, I promise.”

 Angel - “You think some of them would be cute?”

 Vaggie and Sonya only rolled her eyes in annoyance and walk to the front door. Charlie knocked on the door and saw one of the cousin’s name Jeanie who have black wavy curly hair, the rosy cheeks, dress in a sparkly glittery black dress with purple heel shoes.

 Charlie - “Hey Jeannie!”

 Jeanie - *happy* “Charlie! Good to see you!”

 Charlie - “It's good to see you too! This my girlfriend Vaggie, and my friend Angel Dust.”

 Vaggie - “Hi there.”

 Angel - “What's up.”

 Jeanie - “It’s nice to meet you guys.”

 Jeanie then looked down and was shocked and surprised to see Sonya. Jeannie gave an awkward smile.  

 Jeanie - *fake politeness* “Oh Sonya! I didn’t think you'd come.”

 Sonya - *sighs* “Well when it comes to Uncle Lucifer wanting me to come, I just can't deny him.”

 Jeanie - *seriously* “Just don't break anything other than your face you go it?”

 Charlie - *defensive* “Leave her alone, Jeanie!”

 Jeanie - “What? We can’t have her or that…that shadow thing she has ruin everything.”

 In a sudden twist, Charlie slaps Jeannie causing her friend and Sonya to gasp. The others were shocked because never seen Charlie using physical violence on a family member. Even Liz was shocked herself that Charlie did that.

 Charlie - *glares* “That is just a sample. Mess with her or Liz again, and you'll be sorry. Now if you'll excuse us.”

 Charlie and the others walk right past the stunned cousin. They walked down the hall to go to the party.

 Vaggie - *amazed* “Wow Charlie was that really badass!”

 Angel - *impressed* “Yeah didn't know you had it in you Princess.”

 Charlie -  *smirks* “Hey, no one messes with my family.”

 They soon went inside the party and the party room was huge: the floor was glass titles with apple designs, the walls were lavender with not only an apple design but with rainbow swirls as well. There was lots of food, drinks, tables and chairs, and a lot of members of Charlie’s family. While some did look different, there was those who still had either the blonde hair or the rosy cheeks. That where Angel Dust and Vaggie saw  Charlie's parents, Lucifer and Lilith the rulers of Hell themselves, coming toward Charlie and Sonya.

 Charlie - *happily* “Hi Daddy! Hi Mom!”

 Sonya - *happily* “Hey Uncle Lucifer and Aunt Lilith!”

 Lucifer - *happy* “Ah my girls!” *He hugs them both* I'm so happy you both could make it!”

 Lilith - “Yes it's truly wonderful. I’m even happy that you made it Sonya.”

 Sonya - “Thanks. Are Mom and Dad here?”

 Lilith: *pointed to a table* “They're over there getting refreshments, dear.”

 Vaggie and Angel saw Sonya and Liz’s parents: Azrael and Zella. Azrael looked similar to Lucifer’s with the pale skin and rosy cheeks, but Azrael’s hair was nearer yet slick back. He was wearing a leather jacket with a dark red cheetah design on it , a white button up shirt with a red tie, ripped up black jeans, and fancy-dress shoes. Zella has pale skin and blue eyes, but long orange hair, three long hair pieces sticking out in the front of her head that were sky blue. She was wearing a lilac long dress, with white flower design on it with silver high heels.

 Vaggie - *impressed* “Wow. I didn’t know he was also the legendary Dark Cheetah.”

 Lucifer - “Yes Azrael always love to be in his gang whenever he not busy with his job letting souls know if they belong in heaven or hell.”

 Sonya - “And Mom is one of the best witch doctors in Hell. Do you mind if I go sit with them?”

 Charlie - “Of course! Go have a good time.”

 Sonya went to sit and interact with her parents. Charlie, Angel and Vaggie was sitting with Charlie’s parents. Vaggie was looking around the ballroom and was surprised.

 Vaggie - “Wow Charlie never realize you had a big family.”

 Angel - “Yeah. Hell, they are even bigger than my family.”

 Charlie -  “Oh yeah. I mean like you don't believe how many cousins I have.”

 Lucifer - “Well I do have a lot of siblings.”

 Vaggie - *impressed* “Really? How many do you have?”

 Lucifer - “I don't know. I lost count.” *laughs*

 The others laugh too. Then Angel said to Lilith:

 Angel - “Man I love your outfit Queenie! Ya think they have it my size?”

 Vaggie - *appalled* “Angel! This is the Queen of Hell you’re talking too!”

 Lilith - *chuckled* “No no it’s okay. I don’t mind being talk to the way he does.”

 Lucifer - “I agree. I mean sure we are the rulers, but that doesn’t mean we like to sit back and have fun like regular demons. So Charlie, how's the Hotel business going?”

 Charlie - “ Oh Daddy, it’s going really good! We are making process. It can be a little slow, but I think it’s really coming around!”

 Lucifer - “That's my girl! I knew the hotel will be powerful sooner or later.”

 Lilith - “We're so proud of you, honey.”

 Charlie - “Aw thanks guys!”

 Angel - *to Lucifer* “Hey Luci, I noticed ya bro sure love to drink wine a lot. It’s like his 3rd cup.”

 Lucifer - “Of course Azrael just love to drink wine. He can drink it like water.”

 Charlie - “Yep. We are one big happy family.”

 ()()()()()()()()

 So far, the party was going really well. Charlie and the others were just enjoying themselves eating and  having fun. Sonya would join them too but would also enjoy spending time with her parents too. Right now she was just enjoying some drinks with her parents, and Liz was in shadow form looking around annoyed at seeing their other cousins and crossing her arms.

 Sonya - “It's okay Liz, just ignore them. As long we ignore them, they won’t bother us.”

 Zella - “Sonya my dear, I was thinking why don't you make some pies? It can help your mind clear.”

 Sonya - “Alright Mom. That sound good.”

 As Sonya was walking to the kitchen,  she was seeing how some of the cousins was glaring at her and Liz. They all ignored them, even whispering things to each other while pointing at them. All the memories of the past reunions came to Sonya and Liz with all of them ignoring them, giving them the cold shoulder or just avoiding them in general. Sonya just shook her head and kept on walking.

 Sonya - *muttering* “Screw you guys.”

 Sonya went to the kitchen to cook some of the pies to help relax her since she loves to cook. Then a little while later Charlie looked around for Sonya to check on her and Liz.

 Charlie - “Hey Uncle Azrael? Where's Sonya and Liz?”

 Azrael - “She's in the kitchen making some pies.”

 Angel - “She bakes?”

 Charlie - “Yeah she loves to bake pastry stuff. You didn't know?”

 Angel - “She never told me.”

  Vaggie - “Or me.”

 Charlie - “Oh I must have forgot about that.”

 Angel - “The only bake I know she does is getting high.”

 Vaggie rolls her eyes as Charlie, Zella and Azrael chuckles.

 Charlie - “I'll go check on her.”

 Charlie went to the kitchen and she saw Sonya making and baking some pies. Charlie walked up to her and said:

 Charlie - “You okay Sonya?

 Sonya - “Yeah I'm good. Do you need something?”

 Charlie - “Nothing. I just wanted to check on you is all.”

 Then a cousin name Patrick came in. Patrick had a neatly comb black hair, wearing glasses, wearing a purple tuxedo and had the rosy cheeks. He was happy to see Charlie, but then nervous to see Sonya again. Charlie turned around and saw Patrick.

 Charlie - *happily* “Oh hey Patrick!”

 Patrick - “Hi there Charlie...and Gemini.”

 Sonya - *annoyed* “That's Sonya to you, bud.”

 Patrick - *nervously* “Yeah...Yeah…”

 Patrick eyes on Sonya and left the room. Sonya sighed in sadness and she continue making some pies.

 Sonya - *bummed out* “Cousin Charlie I think coming here was a big mistake.”

 Charlie - *comforting* “Don't let it get to you. You'll have a good time.

 Sonya - “I hope so I mean it just being here at places like this just remind me how me and Liz are the *mockingly* “Forever Black Sheep”.

 Charlie -  “If anyone hurts you or teases you, don't hesitate to come get me. I'll take care of it.”

 Sonya - “You'd do that?”

 Charlie - “Of course. I mean I did slapped Jeanie earlier for being so rude to you and Liz.”

 Sonya smiles and spent the time making pies and talking with Charlie. Charlie even helped her make some of the pies. A little while later, they both heard a ding sound.  

 Sonya - Oh! The pies are ready!”

 Sonya put on some oven mitts and took out the pies from the ovens. There was lots of different kind of pies and there one that was clearly an apple pie.

 Sonya - “I made a special apple one for Uncle Lucifer.”

 Charlie - “Oh he'll love it!”

 Sonya - “Of course I know how much he loves apple related things. I figure I give him an apple pie.”

 Charlie - “I know he will love it. We better wash up before we hand these out.”

 Sonya - “Right.”

 Charlie and Sonya went to a bathroom to wash their hands. However, what they didn’t noticed was somebody was watching them and secretly cut some of Sonya’s hair and spread it on the ground. Then they all look at the pies and nodded.

 ()()()()()()()()()

 After coming back from cleaning themselves up, Charlie and Sonya help wheeled in the pies on a cart. Then Charlie took out a triangle and began to ring it.  

 Charlie - “Come get some pies!”

 Everyone came and had some pie while Sonya smiled. She’s happy that everybody was eating her pie. Even Lucifer was eating the apple pie that was made for him.

 Lucifer - *eating* “Mm! This is delicious!”

 Sonya - “Thanks! I made it myself.”

 Lilith - *eating* “Mm. Wonderful job, dear.”

 Lucifer - “My compliments to the chefs.”

 Sonya - *chuckles* “ Well, I do know how much you love apple pies.”

 Vaggie - *angry and annoyed* “Angel That was my pie!”

 Angel - *shrugs and cocky* “You snooze you lose babe!”

 Sonya is happy to receive compliments. Everybody was eating pie and talking to each other. Then of all sudden, Lucifer slowly stop eating his pie and starting to look sick.

 Lilith - *concerned* “Honey are you Ok?”

 Lucifer - *moaning in pain* “Ohhh....I feel like I'm going to be sick.”

 Suddenly Lucifer dropped his pie, kneeled on the floor,  and held his stomach in pain. This made everybody gasps in shocked and look at each other in worried.

 Charlie - *scared and concerned* “Daddy!!”

 Lilith - “Lucifer!!”

 Then they heard moaning and saw Angel Dust looking sick too.

 Angel - *pained and ill* “Ooh my stomach…”

 Soon other people  started getting sick too. It was making everybody worried as they gather them and took them to the sick bay room.

 ()()()()()()()()

      At the sick bay, there lot of people resting in the beds. Even Lucifer and Angel Dust was resting in the beds. Zella, Lilith and other relatives was tending to them and making sure that they get better quickly. Charlie, Vaggie, Sonya and everybody else look worried for the ill people. They were even told to go wait in the other room so they wouldn’t get infected by the illness.

 Sonya - “Ohh...I wonder how this could have happened.”

 Patrick - *angrily* “You tell us, sheep!”

 That's when the cousins angrily approached Sonya. Sonya was getting scared and backing off. Liz came out in shadow form looking worried for Sonya.

 Sonya - *nervous* “S-Say What?”

 Jeanie - *angry* “They got sick from your pies! You must've poisoned them.”

 Sonya - *shocked* “What!? No I didn't!”

 Paulie - “Yeah right! You're the one who made them! Plus we found your hair in the kitchen!”

 Ashley - “Or it could have been that other half of hers!”

 Sonya - I didn't do anything! Neither have Liz!”

 Anita - “What else do we expect from a black sheep like you?”

 Sonya - *angry* “You guys better stop or else!”

 Paulie - “Or else what? You'll let your little shadow throw another tantrum?”

 James - *shudders* “I'm still recovering from the last tantrum that Gemini threw.”

 Sonya - “Maybe I would let her out to kick your asses! I told you before: I didn't do anything!!”

 Jeanie - “Maybe your parents should disown you!”

 Paulie - “Or Locked away forever!”

 Just when Liz was about to move Sonya’s arm to something pointy, they heard a loud:

 “THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!”

 They are look at Charlie who was furious. Even Vaggie looked angry at them too.

 Charlie - “Sonya didn't do it!”

 Jeanie - “How do you know? She the one who made the pies!”

 Paulie - "And some of her hair was in the kitchen!"

 Vaggie - “It didn't fall out. One of you cut it!”

 Ashley - “How do you know? You weren't there.”

 Vaggie - “First off, I can easily tell when hair is either yanked out or cut! The hair in the kitchen was clearly cut.”

 Charlie - “Second, I was with Sonya the whole time! I know she would never do something like this. And finally, I ate one of her pies and didn't get sick!”

 Vaggie - “Yeah. I even ate one of her pies and I feel fine too. Even half the people who ate the pies didn’t get sick. Even you guys are fine and ate the pies.”

 The cousins look at each other nervously. What Vaggie was true: they ate Sonya’s pies and didn’t feel any illness at all. Patrick was looking really paranoid.”

 Charlie - “And we know who the real culprits are.”

 Patrick - “Yeah it was still the Gemini! She the one made the pies in the first place! She deserved to be trapped in a crystal forever!”

 Charlie - *shocked and horrified* “What?! No!!”

 Out of anger, Liz moves Sonya’s hand and made her prick her finger on a fork. Then Liz came out looking furious much to the cousins and Patrick other fear.

 Charlie - “Oh boy that’s not good.”

 Liz - *furious* “You want to trap me and Sonya in a crystal!? Well...HERE’S YOUR FUCKING TANTRUM!!”

 Liz took out her scissors and began to attack Patrick. Patrick dodge it and began to run in fear. Liz jumped in front of him and cut his arm and he screamed in pain. The other cousins were watching in fear as Patrick was getting beat up. Charlie and Vaggie on the other hand, was actually enjoying this feeling like he deserves it.

 Liz - “I changed! But you and the others are too stupid to see that! You bastards wanna mistreat me Fine! Just leave Sonya out of this!”

 Liz cut Patrick again with her scissors and Patrick pushed her off. Then out of nowhere, Paulie sneak behind Liz, and hug and pet her hair changing her back into Sonya. Quickly, Patrick trapped Sonya’s feet in a crystal.

 Charlie - “Sonya!”

 Charlie and Vaggie was about to help her, but suddenly, Jeannie and Ashley grabbed Charlie and Vaggie putting them in a strong full Nelson. They were struggling to break free. Patrick walked up to Sonya and Sonya was angry and said:  

 Sonya - *annoyed and defensive* “I told you I already! I-”

 Patrick - “Enough! Into the crystal with you!”

 Patrick began to use his powers to slowly trap Sonya in a crystal. The crystal around her feet was slowly starting to rise. Even her hands were trapped in the crystal and couldn’t let out Liz again. This is one of the rare times that Sonya and Liz was starting to get scared as the crystal was getting bigger and keep covering her up.

 Sonya - *scared* “No! No! Please! No!”

 Charlie - *scared and horrified* “NO STOP!”

 Paulie - “Sorry Charlie, this is better for everybody.”

 Lucifer - “ENOUGH!!!!”

 Hearing that voice, Patrick stops his powers and Sonya was halfway trapped inside a crystal. Everyone turned around and saw Lucifer still looking pale but still standing and looking furious. Lilith even had an angry glare as well and was helping Lucifer stand.

 Lucifer - “I will not tolerate anyone harassing my daughter or accusing my innocent niece! Let them go now!”

 This made Jeannie and Ashley freed Charlie and Vaggie out of fear. Charlie and Vaggie quickly ran to Sonya and helped her be free from the crystal by Vaggie using her spear and Charlie summoning her claws. After freeing her, Sonya held to Charlie in a tight hug.

 Lilith - “Somebody better tell the truth: Who poisons all the pies

 Patrick was too nervous and under the pressure, he said:

 Patrick - “Okay it was me and the others! I was the one who did it! The Gemini is evil! I mean you all witness and remember her and that shadow thing was wild and crazy! I see it with my own eyes!”

 Vaggie - “Are you kidding me?! Just because you don't trust Sonya doesn’t mean you should act paranoid and if you think poisoning Lucifer and a bunch of other people was a good idea, you're the bad guy here!”

 Lilith - *angry* “I am very disappointed in you, Patrick!”

 Lucifer - “And so am I! You are in big trouble!”

 Charlie - *worried and concerned* “You okay Sonya?”

 Sonya just hugged Charlie was even slightly shaking in fear. Even Liz was trying to comfort Sonya in shadow form.

 Sonya - *scared and trembling* “H-He...almost...trapped me! I was going...to be...trapped forever!”

 Charlie - *hugging and petting her head* “Shhh....I know. I know.”

 She glares over at her cousins and her eyes turned blood red in anger. How could they do this to their family, let alone their own baby cousin?

 Charlie - “Mom, Daddy, I think they should all be punished!”

 Lilith - “I couldn't agree more, darling.”

 Charlie - “And to think I brought my cousin here to have fun! I didn't think my stupid arrogant and hateful cousins would do this!”

 Then they heard some panting and saw Angel standing despite still feeling a little sick.

 Charlie - *curious and concerned* “Angel what are you doing out of bed? You should be resting.”

 Angel - “Don’t worry Princess, the kid’s mother made me better. But just so you know, I was the one who saw what happened and called Apple Ringleader what was happening.”

 Jeannie - “What?! Why?!”

 Angel - *mad and disgusted* “Because I maybe an asshole, but even I think the poison pie shit and trapping a little girl in a crystal especially by a family member is so fucked up!”

 Lucifer - “For your crime and for you framing Sonya, you will all be severely punished!”

 Patrick - *scared* “H-How?!”

 Jeanie -  *begging* “Please Don't! You must understand the deed that we did.”

 Ashley - “We were just teaching the Gemini a lesson!”

 James - “We were doing everyone a favor by getting rid of her!”

 Paulie - “Haven't you forgot what she and that...that...thing! Did to us?! And what that freak just did to Patrick?”

 Charlie - “She is still family and the only ones I see as monsters are all of you! I know Liz was hyperactive when she was younger, but she changed and the only reason she attacks Patrick because he was the one who threaten her. If you guys can't accept that, then how do that make you better than her and Sonya?”

 The cousins look at each other uncomfortably. However, they felt like trapping Sonya was the right thing to do because they can’t get over how roughly Liz played and tortured them.

 Patrick - “Well that thing is still evil and a monster!”

 Charlie - *shocked and disgusted*  “I can see now that you're nothing but ungrateful vultures! As a matter of fact, you guys aren’t so great yourself because you never visit me or even bothered to visit and support my hotel. So it's with heavy heart that I announce that Sonya and Liz are my only cousin from this point on.”

 Vaggie - *happy* “That a girl Charlie!”

 Angel - *impressed* “Nice job princess!”

 Lilith - “I don't blame you for your choice dear.”

 “Neither do we.”

 They turned around and saw it was Azrael and Zella. They too had disappointed looks on their faces.

 Azrael - “I can't believe you would do this to our daughters.”

 Zella - “Yes I agree. What you all did wasn’t right, and the poison pie idea wasn’t bright.”

 Azrael - “Charlie, why don’t  you take Sonya back to the hotel?”

 Zella - “Yes. I think that getting her rest would be for the best.”

 Charlie - “But what about Daddy?”

 Lucifer - “Don't worry, honey I’ll be okay. Besides,  I have some business to take care of.”

 Charlie - “Alright. *to her friends* Come on guys, we are leaving. And never seeing these hateful vile vultures again!”

 They got inside the limo and was now back at the hotel.

 ()()()()()()()()

 Sonya was in her room changing her clothes. But some tears came out of her eyes. She saw Liz coming out in shadow form trying to comfort Sonya.

 Liz - *comforting* “Hey Sunshine it's okay.”

 Sonya - “I know but I'm still a little shaken...”

 Liz - “Yeah. But I'm sure that Uncle Lucifer took care of it.”

 Sonya - “Yeah I guess so. I do wonder what he plans to do to them?”

 Charlie - "You want me to answer that question?"

 Sonya saw Charlie at the doorway smiling. This made Sonya and Liz smile as well.

 Sonya - “Oh Cousin Charlie! How's Angel and Uncle Lucifer?”

 Charlie - “Doing much better thanks to Mom and Aunt Zella. She came up with a spell to speed up their recovery. Angel is in his room right now having his “alone time”.”

 Sonya - “Right. So un what’s happened to those punks?”

 Charlie - “Well first,  Mom called their parents and forbid them for using their powers for a month. Then Daddy not only put then in the dungeon for two hours, but force them to wear their least favorite clothes for a month

 Liz - “Sweet!”

 Sonya - “Oh I love that! Liz thinks that’s a sweet punishment too.”

 Charlie - “Yep!”

 Sonya - “Um Cousin Charlie? Thanks again for defending  me and Liz especially from...from…” *tear up again*

 Charlie: *smiles and hugs her* “It's okay, Sonya. You're safe now.”

 Sonya - “I just never been so scared! I thought I was gonna be stuck in a crystal forever.”

 Charlie - “I told you, I'd never let anything happen to you. You can count on me.”

 Sonya - “And it was cool that you called out those bitches out.”

 Charlie - “Thanks! My Mom and Dad taught me to be strong both inside and out.”

 Sonya - “Well she is right but...do you think I'm like that?”

 Charlie - “Like what?”

 Sonya - “That I'm not strong inside and out? I feel like I'm weak….Normally I can handle stuff like fights even turf wars, but today just really freaked me out. I couldn’t even let out Liz and I was really scared. Made me think that I was weak.”

 Charlie - “Sonya, you're one the strongest little girl I've ever known.”

 Sonya - “Really? Some thought I was weak without Liz.”

 Liz - “Hey you're just as strong without me.”

 Charlie - “I mean you are getting better at your magic.”

 Liz - “And you're as tough as nails.”

 Sonya - “Yeah right. I guess I'm still freaked out after what happened.”

 Charlie - *guilty* “Sonya I'm sorry about that.”

 Sonya - “Why are you sorry?”

 Charlie - “For practically forcing you to come to the party. It's all my fault for not listening to you.”

 Sonya - “It's okay Cousin Charlie. I know you just wanted me to have fun with the family.”

 Charlie - “Some family we have. I mean, why couldn’t they see what a wonderful and unique person you and Liz are. Yet, they still treat you guys if you are a disease or feral monsters. It’s just not fair!”

 Sonya - “Yeah I know. But some family don't have to come by blood you know?”

 Charlie - “That’s true. I mean I look at my friends at the hotel as my second family.”

 Sonya - “So do I. And to be honest, it was nice seeing Uncle Lucifer and Aunt Lilith again. The other uncle and aunts don’t interest me like they do.”

 Charlie - “And your parents too.”

 Sonya - “Umm Cousin Charlie? Is it okay you tuck me in bed and stay with me? I'm still a little shaken…”

 Charlie - “I got a better idea. How about you bunk with me tonight? Like when you were little.”

 Sonya - *surprised* “Oh you would do that again? Really?”

 Charlie - “Of course! Anything for my best and officially only cousin.”

 Sonya smiles and hugged Charlie tightly while tears of joy and relief coming out of her eyes. Charlie even saw that Liz was giving her a hug in her shadow form as well. Charlie vows to keep her promise of protecting Sonya and Liz because not only they are her only cousins now, but because how much they mean to her and how much she loves them.

 Hope you all like it!

[tjovalboy]

Royals

(TJ and Marty- dog adoption fair)

TJ and Marty’s clasped hands swung between them as they trekked home after school. It seemed that all the other kids has rushed away right as the school bell rung, and they were left together on the sidewalk with no companions except for the occasional squirrel and light breeze.

“So, then, Mr. Gray just gave us all five hundred points of extra credit on accident and he still hasn’t noticed!” TJ was in the middle of explaining, but Marty halted and was staring at something at the park next to them. Damn, his English class story apparently wasn’t as compelling as he thought it was. “What are you looking at?” he asked.

“Sorry,” he apologized quickly, but a smile tugged the corners of his mouth. “There’s a dog adoption festival over there and I really wanna see it,” he said with a little jump.

TJ was never good at saying no to him before, and this wasn’t an exception even though he was looking forward to slumping on his couch and starting his weekend as soon as possible. He squeezed his hand tighter. “Let’s go, then,” he grinned as he ran across the grass dragging Marty behind him.

Various tents with cages and dogs of all breeds and sizes greeted them with happy, or pissed off, barks as they cruised by. They were all so cute, and he was surprised at how much fun he was already having even if they hadn’t done anything at all.

“I’m gonna die from all this cuteness,” Marty said, maybe reading his mind as they craned their necks left and right to get a look at every section.

“I think I am, too,” he agreed, but with his intensity was puny compared to Marty’s. His boyfriend had this tooth baring smile on his face that looked like his brain was gonna combust all over him, and he swore he felt his hand shaking.

Eventually, they stopped wandering and peered into a wire dog pen that took space under a billowing red tent. It went up about as high as their waists and a mini herd of baby Yorkies scrambled and crashed into each other to get their paws up on the fence where they leaned in. TJ remembered that these were shelter dogs, which was probably why the sight of TJ and Marty oogling over them made them the happiest and most giddy creatures on the planet. If Marty was shaking before, he had tears in his eyes now.

“TJ, I think I’m going to faint.”

A short woman with curly blonde hair and a red “Dog Fair” t-shirt appeared next to them. “Yes, I know they’re adorable, but please don’t pass out. I already have enough dog poop to clean up, I’m not looking to drag a kid out either,” she smiled, folding her arms with a clipboard in hand. TJ and Marty laughed politely with a hint of discomfort, as they did with strangers. “They’re baby Yorkshire Terriers, about a year old,” she pointed out. “No mother around and they were found wandering somewhere in Salt Lake CIty.”

God, that really was depressing. She didn’t even know for sure that’s where they came from. Why did bad things have to happen to the world’s most adorable creatures?

“Hey, Marty,” he tapped his elbow. “If you could name every single one of these puppies, what would you name them?” he asked. He counted six of them.

“Philip, Chad, Kyle, Noah, Donald, and Cash,” he pointed at each one and didn’t hesitate. The adoption worker giggled along with TJ.

“One-- you’d give them all human names? And two-- where did those names come from so quickly?” he asserted through a laugh.

“In my world, all dogs have normal people names. It’s funnier that way, and it’s just facts.”

“Okay.” He was still confused, but he had gotten used to not asking for further explanations from the boy. Marty just knew what he was talking about all the time, even if it was absolutely nothing that clicked together. Like the dogs, it was adorable.  

“And they’re named after these really annoying f-boy guys in my science class. It’s like they hate each other, but then they don’t.”

“You’d name puppies after them?”

“I figured that, by association, I’ll be less annoyed in class because I’ll see them and just think of these puppies,” he took him through his logic. Wow, his boyfriend was weird. “I’m not weird. I have a method,” he answered his thoughts again. TJ couldn’t help but appreciate him in his life just a little bit more.

TJ reached for Marty’s hand again and took another last survey of the dogs. “We’ll take Philip,” he called out. “I mean, this one right here.”

Marty’s eyes shot wide open and he shook him. “Ohmygosh yes! Are you kidding me?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing either, but we’re getting a dog!”

It took signing all the papers, pretending they were over eighteen, and walking little black and brown, knotted-haired Philip out of the park with a leash around her neck for Marty to start freaking out. It came like clockwork.

“TJ, what the freak! What are we going to do with a freaking dog?! We’re in middle school!” he lost his head for a completely different reason than before and his hand loosened on the leash. TJ took it from him.

“Marty, it’s cool. Everything is figured out.”

“Can you not be so chill all the time? We just bought a living animal and have no way of taking care of it!” he yelled.

Philip trotted along the concrete, sniffing bushes and trees peeing at every one, causing many pauses during their walk to their neighborhood. He was definitely the cutest one.

“My little cousin, Alice, was supposed to come to this fair today with my aunts to pick a dog, but she’s home with a cold today,” TJ explained. “I figured I’d just make things more convenient for her. She loves Yorkies.”

“Oh.”

Marty didn’t say much else for about five more pee breaks. FInally, he tilted his head and nudged it into the crook of TJ’s neck as they walked. It was oddly comfortable. “That was nice,” he said.

TJ chuckled. Alice was waiting for his fluffy surprise, but he knew it wouldn’t hurt for them to walk a little slower. Though she was young, she had an odd obsession with the royals, so he knew the name “Philip” would suit her taste fine.

Marty would be with him when he told her all about it.

[aimskyymama-blog]

My Natural Hair Journey

As a Dominican growing up I was always told that sleek, straight, flat hair was beautiful and curly, kinky, afro hair wasn’t. As a child my mom would pull our hair into the tightest ponytails and braids but I hated it. I would literally wear my hair wild and hide when it was time to comb it. Bless my moms soul, she has silky straight hair so she did what she could with hair that she had no clue how to handle.

I’m the unhappy child waiting for cake with the blow dried bangs haha. I saw my mom, aunts, and cousins all have their hair put into rolos and blow dried weekly. If you have ever visitied my country you would quickly realize that there is a bodega (corner store) and salon on every corner. Its no secret that a lot of women will run to a Dominican salon even in the US for a good blow out. I personally believe we perfected it haha. Because of this I hated my curly hair. When I was 13 years old I had a derizado done when I lived in the Dominican Republic. Basically, I killed the hell out of my curls and scalp with a chemical straightener. I remember being so excited. “Finally” I thought to myself “No more nappy hair!”. I thought my hair was beautiful this way. Gone were the coils and curls and here was the dull, lifeless, straight hair that didn’t fight the heat or humidity. I am not saying straight hair is dull, but the chemicals used on my hair made my hair so dull. But I would do anything to look like the women in novelas on the tv with their silky straight hair. I remember freaking out when my natural hair began to grow in and I could see curls at my roots. Clearly, this is where my self confidence started to dwindle. 

Why would I want to wear my natural hair when all of the women around me would strut their blow outs? In my country there is a very sad and obvious push against associating with our African roots. As a child I didn’t understand it but as an adult its impossible to miss. Words like "Pajon" which means afro and “Negra” were used as insults. Dominicans who displayed more of their Spanish roots were envied while those who had stronger African roots were not. My grandmother on my fathers side is what most would call “Morena”. She had the most beautiful dark shade of black skin. I thank her for my melanin (gracias Mama Rosa!)

Fast forward to years later. The flat iron became popular and although my derizado was growing out, I grew a new unhealthy way to kill my curls. I loved it. I was able to get it to my roots and fry those curls straight. I cant tell you how many burn marks I had on my temple and nape of my neck lol. But I didn’t care, my hair was straight! If I heard my hair sizzle or I saw any steam/smoke come out of the iron I would think to myself “Good, hopefully these curls never come back.” If anyone would tell me “I would’ve never guessed you had curly hair.” I was full of joy lol. Im telling you, growing up hearing curly hair is “Pelo malo” (bad hair) really did a number on me mentally. My goodness how I destroyed my hair. My ends were dead and I had crazy fly away’s from broken hair.

It wasn’t long I finally learned a bit more about applying heat to my hair and I started to use heat protectants. Still, killed my hair. Just at a much slower pace. Then I learned about the keratin treatments. I thought to myself “So its like a perm, but healthier? Sign me up!”. Almost $200 later I was back to chemical straightening. I continued to do the keratin treatment for about 4 years. My curls were barely there and this is how it would air dry.

At the time I didn’t notice, but my hair began to thin out because of it. After moving to Hawaii I realized how much I hated not going into the ocean without worrying about my hair. If you have done the treatment you know that salt reverses the treatment somewhat which is why you have to wash your hair with a sulfate free shampoo. I would go take a dip in the ocean and then hate that I needed to do my hair for work again the next day. It started to become a hassle. Slowly I started to get curious about letting my hair air dry more and what my natural curls looked like. I was stuck in this phase for about two years. I started to grow out the keratin but I hated having two textures.

Because of this, I buckled and went back to the hot tools. I wish I just did the big chop then!

 But I was holding onto my waist length hair for dear life (even though majority was so damaged).

I finally realized I would have to cut the dead hair to really style my curls. So I did….

and then like a complete idiot who was still insecure about her own beautiful curls, I did keratin…again…look at how I lost the little bit of progress I had made.

I know I know. WHAT was I thinking? This is where I take a moment to tell you that if you’re struggling with accepting your natural hair, I HAVE BEEN THERE. If you feel like you look a hot mess and that people will judge your hair texture, I HAVE BEEN THERE. If you feel like you are simply not you when you wear your hair naturally so you continue to apply heat to blend in with others expectations, I HAVE BEEN THERE. If you feel like wearing your hair naturally makes you look unprofessional or unkempt.  I. HAVE. BEEN. THERE.

This is what happens when you are growing up in a society that only has straight sleek hair in commercials. When “frizzy hair” is the before photo and “straight hair” is the after. When going to an event means applying heat your “unruly” hair because you want to look presentable. When not one of your dolls has curly hair. This insecurity starts as a small seed and grows and grows until it takes over your way of thinking about yourself.

Believe me. its hard as hell. This is why some people who don’t have curly, kinky or coily hair will never understand how much going natural means to me or anyone else. I not only found a head full of beautiful coils, frizz, and curls…but I found ME. I found who I really was. Going natural opened up a whole other world of self acceptance. I accepted my skin color, my hair texture, and my roots. This is why “Going Natural” is such a big movement! Its all about feeling good in your own skin and not changing yourself to please others.

When I turned 25 I officially said no more. I told myself if I wanted to grow my natural hair out, I needed to really commit. So I started to follow curly haired influencers. Sunkissalba, Shinestruck, lipstickncurls, Charmsie… just to name a few. This is why I can cry when anyone tells me I have inspired them to do the big chop and go natural because I was there once. I know how much it means to draw inspiration and motivation from others! So to you all, damn man. I really appreciate you! Seeing their curls on my feed planted a new seed in my head.  One that screamed “YASSSSS gurl love your curls!” haha. Then I started to look up curly haired big chops. I followed TheCutLife and found so much inspiration. Proir to this I only found photos of wavy hair as inspiration but I knew that was not my texture. I needed to see real curly hair. Then right before my 25th birthday I walked into a super cuts (I know super cuts? But that’s where some of my best cuts came from lol!) and chopped it all off. I still had kertain/heat damage but I felt SO liberated. I wont lie, I cried when I first did it. But as my curls grew in, my confidence in my decision did as well. I have NEVER looked back since.

And alas, here I am now. Four years later back to a big chop because of my texture change due to pregnancy! Left is when I first did the big chop 4 years ago and the right photo is now. Completely different hair texture. I can only hope my curls return but I’ve also made peace with the idea of it never returning like many other mama’s have experienced. Either way, I am so happy to have shared my experience with you all! So many women tell me I inspired them to accept their curl texture and begin their own journey. I am forever humbled by that and I thank so many of you for letting me know that I not only changed myself but I’ve helped change the mind of others as well. I can sit here and wonder why I even went through years of growing my hair back only to lose it all again, but then I remember how many beautiful people I have inspired and I don’t feel so bad about it anymore. My journey was worth it all, even if in the end I have to begin again.

xoxo, Aimee

[ryodan]

Do all evens!

1. selfie2. what would you name your future kids? Undecided??? I like the name Rayaan (not Ryan,, Rayaan which is the name of a river in the Islamic depiction of paradise) for boys? But undecided. 3. do you miss anyone?4. what are you looking forward to? Going home.5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?6. is it hard for you to get over someone? Surprisingly? Not really. 7. what was your life like last year?8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Yes, always when I’m on my period 9. who did you last see in person?10. are you good at hiding your feelings? Not really but it depends on who I’m with.11. are you listening to music right now?12. what is something you want right now? Not to fail my exams. Sushi.13. how do you feel right now?14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday. 15. personality description16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? Yes, many times. 17. opinion on insecurities.18. do you miss how things were a year ago? Not really. 2 years ago tho? Yes.19. have you ever been to New York?20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Yes I’m changing by tame impala21. age and birthday?22. description of crush. He’s very attractive all my friends are like damn girl good taste?? Curly dark hair and blue eyes. Pretty tall. Very artistic, he’s a photographer who’s well traveled because he wins in competitions that have travel ticket prizes. Likes physics god bless. Is Algerian and I love Algerian men. I have 0 chances with him though because he happens to be my brothers friend and his brother happens to be my brothers room mate and best friend. He probably has too much dignity to ever romance me lmao. 23. fear(s)24. height: 5'5925. role model26. idol(s) Harry styles is just very kind and takes such pride in being unique and just being himself? The rest of one direction too except maybe Liam and zayn no shade no tea I love them but they are dumb. Malala yousef is a girl who payed the ultimate price for peace without being a pacifist. Fatima bint Muhammed (the daughter of the final prophet in Islam and a woman nicknamed the most beautiful one with the most generous of hearts for how charitable she was). Fatima Al fihri (the woman who opened the first ever university) Asia imraat phiraon (the wife of the Pharoah in the Islamic telling of the story who was tortured endlessly but refused to give up what she believed in..her last words as she smiled in the face of death were ‘God build for me a house in your paradise’ and he gave her a castle instead). Mary mother of Jesus (in the Islamic telling of the story, of course the mother of Jesus who endured endless slander but stood firm and confident in the face of adversity. The only woman who served in the temple of Solomon despite the sexist views back in the day, a woman so highly revered that the Quran says she is favoured by God above all women). Rufaida Al Aslamia (the first nurse to ever perform surgery). Angelina Jolie. Galileo. Abraham. (In the Islamic telling of the story, I just greatly appreciate how when his dad shunned him he said 'may peace be upon you ill ask my lord to forgive you’. Also that man is iconic and basically created the 3 most major ideologies of today??). Jesus (in the Islamic and Christian telling of the story, this man is just a hipster who wants peace and love and hates hate. I love him) Muhammed Ibn Abdullah (aka?? The most iconic man to have ever lived?? My prophet??? I converted to Islam and I’m just really glad that we have this beautiful generous man as our final prophet)27. things i hate28. i’ll love you if… you’re easy to talk to and we vibe. Plus if you have gud food resources.29. favourite film(s)30. favourite tv show(s) The Simpsons. The office. Futurama. Seinfeld. Friends. Rick and morty. GOT. Monk. Dexter. Scream queens. AHS.31. 3 random facts32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? Girls tbh. although I have guy friends too, girls just get me and I love us.33. something you want to learn34. most embarrassing moment my literal entire existence but my uncle caught me scratching my ass once at age 7. During my phallic stage I was caught by my brother being a weird kid in front of the mirror?? I leaned back from my school principal trying to kiss me on the cheek and she looked so offended. In a debate competition (which I won first place in muahaha) I accidentally said we should give bullies drugs in front of like a100 people. I laughed in a play and caused a domino effect. I’ve crashed into multiple glass doors with too many confidence. I’ve eaten chips laced with sewage water. I pretended i knew the lyrics to Hannah Montanas theme song so I could fit in with the Kool kidzz and got put on the spot only to sing 'you get the best of both worlds hottest nannaaananan’. I yelled at a bunch of Saudis a very racist slur (listen i was 11) and got a slap to the face in the middle of the supermarket. Got caught giving my friend a back massage in a shady place at school,, she was moaning,,,I was on top of her,,,you can guess what they assumed. Got caught pretending to be a worm with my best friend in the audio visual room?? We were acting out the worm kink fic. lucky me though, I have about 0 shame??? Like wow I have a pee problem that my teachers say I’m way too open about. When I went to the doctor and he expected me to be shy but I was like yeah man I piss a lot and nah it doesn’t burn my urethra,, he was very surprised at my lack of shame. So there’s that.35. favourite subject36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Live independently. Get a successful career. Do some research in my field 37. favourite actor/actress38. favourite comedian(s) fuck I do stand up so this is hard to narrow down. Louis Ck is a classic. Bo Burnham. Daniel Sloss. Russell Peters. David Chappell. Russell Howard. 39. favourite sport(s)40. favourite memory don’t really have one? Either playing in the snow in France? Visiting Disney for the first time? Playing with my brothers when our parents travelled? My first farawell party? Not sure tbh. 41. relationship status42. favourite book(s) A brief history of time. Energy the subtle concept. Astrophysics for people in a hurry. Everyday. Wonder. The complete works of Oscar Wilde. The Harry Potter series.43. favourite song ever44. age you get mistaken for: 22 lolol45. how you found out about your idol46. what my last text message says: my friend sent this 'My cousin’s aunts and grandma sent me a video where all of them talked to me personally in it and they reminded me of the memories we had and now im crying’47. turn ons48. turn offs: Loud eating. Loud breathing. Loud talking (even though it’s what I do). Talking over me. Being pompous. Being overly serious or stern. 49. where i want to be right now50. favourite picture of your idol. Can’t add that on phone.51. starsign52. something i’m talented at: I can sing (I’ve won a talent show!). I can draw although I’m not that great and it’s limited to Manga style drawings. I can write, specially targeted writing like articles and speeches. I can memorise things really fast bc eidetic memory so I’m always that fact bank my friends come to. Most importantly my number one talent is speaking. Sounds silly but talking is what I do best. Public speaking, stand up that makes people laugh and debates are always things I get first place in and it’s where I feel most confident in myself.53. 5 things that make me happy54. something thats worrying me at the moment: Exams. Exams. Exams. Exams. Exams. My future. Exams.55. tumblr friends56. favourite food(s) sushi and burgers 57. favourite animal(s)58. description of my best friend: she is 5'3. Has chestnut coloured hair and brown eyes. She’s pretty. Very Palestinian. Very funny. Very hard working. Like insanely hard working. Like teachers tell her to chill hardworking. Weird. A great listener. Secretive but I appreciate that about her since I’m secretive too. 59. why i joined tumblr60. ask me anything you want: go for it. Thanks anon! Hope my embarrassing feats don’t make you unfollow me.

[roosterprick]

Copy/Pasted ‘Bold What Applies’ Survey

fuck it

It’s night right now. There’s something else you should be doing at the moment. You ate chicken today. You are lactose intolerant. There’s a nearby TV on. You get along with your neighbours. Twilight is a horrible series. You’re hungry right now. You have worked out today or will.   Running a mile sounds awful. You have a job. You love to bake Christmas cookies.     Your parents are still together. You woke up before 11 this morning. Baths are better than showers. You are 5’5” or shorter. You hate British accents. Victoria’s Secret is a good store. Cats are better than dogs. The 90’s sucked.     Your favorite color is either blue or purple. Your hair is short. You are by yourself right now. The last thing you drank was water. You’re in your PJ’s right now. Your current hair colour is natural. Fred from Youtube is annoying. Damn this old You don’t drink soda. There’s at least 20$ in your wallet. It’s cold out. Orange juice is better than apple juice. can you put vodka in apple juice? You love someone right now. Video games are awesome. Your sheets are white. You have read works by Shakespeare before. You’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder.     You know someone in the hospital right now. You know someone who has beaten cancer. Sneakers are your favourite shoes to wear. Chocolate is better than vanilla. You’re allergic to peanuts.   You’ve never been to New York City. You’ve never been on a varsity sports team.

You want to go to Europe. You’re using a laptop right now. Plastic surgery is a good idea. It’s 2017 bitch think of gender nonconformity Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear. You’ve made yourself throw up. You’ve cheated on someone before. Your friends do drugs. School is too early.   Your nails have nail polish on them right now. You’re Italian.     You have a tan right now. You’ve been on a diet before. You shop in plus sized clothing stores.     Hot Topic is scary. *shiver* There are socks on your feet right now. You’ve used a hair straightener. Shopping online is easier than shopping in an actual store. You’re in Verizon’s network. Your BMI falls into the overweight category. Your BMI falls into the underweight category.

You have gotten your hair cut in the past month. Your birthday is within the next 2 months. Comedies are better than action films. Math is the best subject.     You are fluent in more than one language. You love Greek food. You consider yourself a picky eater. You have more than 3 pillows on your bed. You live with at least one parent. You’re happy right now. You are a high school graduate. You have a pet cat. You were born before April 5th, 1991. You have brown hair. You have blue eyes. You are in a relationship. You can count to 20 in another language. You have studied a foreign language. You voted in the 2008 presidential election. You own a vehicle that is older than a 2004. You have worked 3rd shift. You have worked in a fast food restaurant. You drove somewhere that was further than a half hour away today. You live in New Jersey. You live in Montana. You live in Pennsylvania. Your last name begins with an ‘M’. Your middle name begins with a ‘C’. Your first name begins with an ‘S’. You are older than 19. You are younger than 16.

You are an only child. Your parents are divorced. You have more than one sibling. You are a vegetarian. You have a gym membership. You are in the military. You have a relative in the military. You have been to Canada. You have been to Mexico. You have been to Europe. You are currently enrolled in college/university. You have done something you told yourself you wouldn’t. lol You have braces. You wear contact lenses. You have a tattoo on your ankle. You have a tattoo on your wrist. You have a tattoo on your lower back. You have a tattoo on your upper arm.     You have a lip piercing. You have a tongue piercing. You have your nipples pierced. You have your cartilage pierced.

You have curly hair. You have received flowers from someone in the last 2 months.     You are engaged.     You are married.   You have children.   You are an aunt or uncle. Your bedroom walls are violet. Your bedspread is red. Your bedroom carpet is beige. You have been out to eat at a sit-down restaurant in the last week. You have been drunk in the past 24 hours.   You are bisexual. You watch Scrubs. You watch Jon & Kate Plus 8. whom? You watch American Idol. jesus christ You have been to the movies within the last month. You have cursed in front of your grandparents. You had a lunch box with a cartoon character on it when you were little. You actually pay attention to politics. yes bitch. You have kissed someone within the last week. bonus that it was gay in a chik-fil-a parking lot You were told you looked cute today. You were hugged today. Your best friend is the opposite sex. You have paid more than $100 on one item of clothing. You had a date to prom. You are a good speller. You are always on time. You have done something illegal within the last 24 hours. You have ridden an elevator within the last 3 days. You have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks. You have been out of the country within the last year.     You love Chinese food. You love Italian food.   You love Mexican food. YOU LOVE FOOD. You love country music. You love rap. You love hip hop. You love punk rock. You love hard rock. You love metal. You love classic rock. You love bluegrass.   You love oldies. You love techno. You love instrumental music. You know someone younger than 10 who passed away. You have taken pictures of yourself just because you were bored. You have been in a car wreck.     You have had stitches. You have a parent who is a teacher. You have a savings account. hardly You currently have a $2 bill in your possession. You have dated someone who was 2 years younger than you. You have dated someone who was 2 years older than you You have broken up with someone for someone else. You have been cheated on. You are Catholic. You are Mormon. You are Buddhist.   You are Agnostic.  

You wish at 11:11. You have had your current job for more than 3 months. You have had your heart broken. You broke someone else’s heart. You felt bad about it. Did I You have an Aunt Karen.   You have an Uncle Bill. You have a cousin Sarah. You have a cousin Adam.     You have worked with a Danielle.   You have ridden in a car with a Stephen. You have hugged a Tiffany.   You have kissed a Blake. You have had class with a David. You have had a crush on an Emily. You have dated a Derek.   You have been neighbours with a Hannah. You have done something just for the fact that you were old enough to. You have been to a cemetery at midnight.   You have been a vampire for Halloween.     You have been a witch for Halloween. You have been a pumpkin for Halloween.   You have stayed up for 48 hours straight. You have been to Walmart in the past 3 days. You own a pair of scrubs.     You own a cowboy hat. It’s ironic okay You own a leather coat. You are missing someone right now. You have been let down recently. You have had someone you thought you could trust betray you. lol You would rather have a one-night stand than a relationship. You would rather win $500 from the lottery, than guest on a game show. You have met someone famous. Chad Michael Murray, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, various semi-famous politicians, various world-famous surfers, various grandfatherly astronauts, various mid-2000s pop/punk bands

[drewkatchen]

L to R.: Family friend, my Pop and my Am circa mid-1990s.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the morning of January 14, 1998 in New York City at around 8 a.m., three men in ski masks carried empty duffel bags into the north tower of One World Trade Center, according to a report in the New York Times. 

Naturally, the reason for their visit wasn’t social.

The men from Brooklyn and Staten Island had a distinct plan all too obvious, a scheme which led them to a passenger elevator bound for the the 11th floor, where they then boarded a freight elevator and confronted a Brinks guard delivering money to the Bank of America corporate currency exchange center. The money was handed over, and the three men escaped the tower with $1.6 million. No one was injured.

For a brief period before their capture, these guys existed in the city, fanning out individually with a lot of money in their bags and one big secret in tow.

----

There’s no aspect of my life that overlaps with the story above really; I was not in the World Trade area at the time and you should trust me on that. On that morning many years ago, I was just a 21-year-old kid waking up in my grandmother’s central New Jersey home -- a sturdy, wooden affair from the late ‘50s -- in a lumpy bed far too small for all the college weight I was carrying around at the time. I didn’t live in her home, but my grandfather’s recent death from Parkinson’s demanded I leave school in South Carolina and board the quickest flight to EWR to be there, to say goodbye to an elder. One moment I was hanging out with my roommate in our spacious and rundown university apartment as a new semester started up, and the next I was in a crush of family -- great aunts all the way down to cousins -- all at different stages of sadness and relief. I hadn’t seen some of them in over a decade, and a few still longed to pinch my cheeks and or ruffle my curly kid locks. Like a lot of people, I didn’t know my Pop well; he began deteriorating when I was still a boy, and because I lived nowhere near him for most of my youth. Pictures show me as a chubby kid smiling in his lap, but I don’t remember much about him really. I remember his sideburns, bushy and gray and smelling of cigarette smoke. I know he had a flair for natty suits and sipping martinis during the day and that he had a full head of white hair. I know my grandmother loved him more than anything, and while she was happy he was no longer in the locked, debilitating prison of his disease, her primary reason for living had now gone away with a whimper. There’s apparently a legendary picture of him mowing the lawn in formal attire. Everyone still talks about it. And that was him, a man who left Irvington to give his wife and three kids a solid middle-class Jewish existence in the burbs.

The house in Bound Brook is now gone. Sold to a young couple.

---

I’ve been thinking a bit lately about the process of coming out. What coming out in my younger years meant to me, how the art I found at the time taught me to be fearless in the face of people waiting to strike me down, what being outed by taunting high school students meant to my emotional development, how the support from friends and the punk community buoyed me and who I told and when and why and the tension and joy and happiness and sadness that all came with this thing that some of us in the world have to do in order to break through to a new stage of living and truth. It honestly feels like a blur and then it also feels like I can call up every nanosecond, speck of dust and conversation from those times, because living through them was so arduous and exhilarating. I’m probably thinking about this now mostly because I just married and I’m old and boring now and I’m stricken with that thing people in their forties get when they maybe do too much reflecting, but it’s such a curious thing, this heavy soul-baring that has to pass your lips, and if you’re lucky this happens to you at a young age with little to no damage incurred. But it also means there’s a bold declaration you must make in order to be fully healthy, whether or not you want to make a bold declaration in order to be fully healthy. It’s not one a lot of the friends around you have to make, but it’s one you do.

I never came out to him, my Pop, and I don’t have any real feelings about it. I’m sure my Am -- a fervent and socially progressive Jewish woman until her dying breath -- holding onto his still hand as he sat in a chair in the nursing home, shared the news with my grandfather at some point before he passed.

At the time, death was still somewhat abstract to me, which is a luxury not everyone can claim, I know. Pap, the grandfather I had on my mother’s side, an irrepressible alcoholic, was mostly someone I didn’t know, and he died alone in his crumbling apartment in a nothing Pennsylvania town when I was still in high school. I got the call about that while at band practice, and I didn’t feel sad. One minute I was home, the next I was stuffed into a car with my mom, stepdad and two siblings headed to bid him goodbye. Later in 1998, I would find myself openly grieving with most of my community for Matthew Shepard, a complete stranger to me in life but who in essence was me and my friends, was any gay kid in America, really. At the time of his death he was 21 just like me, and his murder reminded me the unthinkable was still very much on the table. Yet I felt safe as an out college student in Columbia, but what did that really mean? What was I safe to do or not do? Safe from what?

---

On January 13, we buried my Pop next to his mother and father at a Jewish cemetery in Clifton, New Jersey -- the one behind the diner. My grandmother would join them all in just under ten years. I remember her in the limo ride back to her home; she was holding a relative’s hand and just staring out the window with a very small smile on her face as we drove south on the Garden State Parkway. For the moment, she wasn’t crying or saying anything. She just looked out the window as we drove past the neighborhood of her youth -- its current state of disrepair evident from the highway -- I don’t know if she ever went back to visit in her life. I wonder now what she saw looking out the window or if she could make out the day she met my grandfather as the blocks went by in a blur. I won’t ever know.

I only had a day left in Jersey before I left for home. Old friends and family were around sitting shiva and plying my grandmother and uncles with more lox, pastrami and matzo ball soup -- the usual elixirs -- than she knew what to do with. There were some things I wanted to do outside of the house, beyond the radius of sympathy flowers and bunched tissues deployed to fight the raw grief, and I set out to accomplish one of them.

There was a cafe in the West Village with my name on it; I just had to get myself there and experience it again for a few hours.

On that same night in the city as Port Authority police searched high and low for the men who made off with Bank of America’s money, the day after the funeral, I had my own little secret, one that came with me on the Manhattan-bound NJ Transit line from Bound Brook, New Jersey and into the mouth of Penn Station. Mine didn’t involve weapons or large sums of ill-gotten gains and police in hot pursuit, but it still felt like a weighty one a the time. I also had someone I wanted to share it with. Matt, who grew up down the street from my grandmother, came along, suspecting nothing more was up than a quick traipse around the city.

It’s not accurate to call Matt my best friend, whatever that means, even with three decades of a certain bond under our belts; the only times we’ve really spent together were my summer vacations and the holidays and by the time I was living in the north, he was long gone, first for a finance job in San Francisco and then permanently to Hong Kong for another finance job. Aside for the first few years of my life, we’ve never lived in the same town or close to one another. Yet I’ve known Matt since kindergarten, the longest I’ve known someone not in my blood family, and the fact that his home was just a few doors down from my grandmother and thus a refuge to a bored kid away from home helped a firm bond develop over toys and MTV. I can vividly recall us, complete first grade dweebs in short shorts, playing cards on his living room floor while Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger played on the turntable. And if Matt wasn’t my best friend, he was still someone who meant a lot to me, just because of the sheer longevity, and he deserved to know what was up with me.

He also still does matter to me even if I haven’t seen him in years.

---

For someone who enjoys getting lost in the land just beyond the tracks, an evening train ride to the city from Jersey is never as good as it could be; the blinding fluorescence inside the car at night turns the windows into mirrors. While everything outside is basic and flat, I sometimes cup my hands just to get a look at the row houses and sleepy towns. Just to see. I don’t remember anything about my ride with Matt into the city that night, but I’m sure there were nerves running through me as the towns rolled by me unnoticed.

By 21, I was just about totally out. I’d already had a boyfriend before moving on to a devastating grad school crush that about broke my heart into a million pieces. Maybe the more conservative elements in my family didn’t have confirmation but suspected it due to my lack of a girlfriend, but that wasn’t a concern of mine. Matt didn’t know either, a fact having more to do with geography and not wanting to bare my soul to him via a land line than anything else. He was a Catholic school jock though, so it could end up being not great. Had I heard him make gay jokes? Did he ever use the F word? Maybe it wouldn’t be alright, and if that ended up being true, I needed to prepare for the possibility. In the late nineties, coming out to the wrong person could still be a damning line in the sand, effectively ending relationships or familial bonds, and while I know that still applies in 2017, perhaps less frequently, I did feel the sting of rejection from a few people, people who really mattered. It was mostly temporary, but it still happened. Back then, sharing who you were even to a sympathetic ear still felt monumental. Just ask Ellen. I suspect for the person coming out now, either at 16 or at 80, it still feels that way.

--- 

The city always held an undeniable allure for all the obvious reasons: not far but seemingly unattainable and dangerous and exciting and where everything happened, from Gorilla Biscuits gigs to Keith Haring exhibits. I guess I reasoned that regardless of what happened, Matt still had to ride home with me, so he was basically stuck accepting it whether he liked it or not, and together we’d work through whatever stages of whatever he was feeling. And maybe more than that, it was perhaps a subconscious wish to connect myself to the activist community of the city, and to allow myself to be tethered to their stories and lives in the most superficial of ways, to have told someone within the confines of New York that I am out and gay, to feel the strength of the West Village at my back for a quick moment. To have a story of my own anchoring me to the fight for equality, even if mine were really small and mostly only significant to me. Back then I had no idea I would be spending most of my adult life working in and hovering around New York, so I imagined this might be the last time I would be in the area for some time.

Or maybe I just thought Matt needed a night in the gay part of town.

And if I knew what made the city famous culturally, I certainly knew nothing about getting around, and neither did Matt. At the time, the map of the city in my head looked something like “CBGB A7 ACT UP VENUS RECORDS CHRISTOPHER STREET AVENUE A BLEECKER STREET YOUTH OF TODAY RECONSTRUCTION RECORDS,” which isn’t really a map at all, or not a real one on paper. But having no working knowledge of the city then is what makes the night so memorable now, and it’s why in part I still reflect on it so much. Even now, whenever I’m in the Penn Station area, I can see Matt and me emerging from the escalator, still two dorks, and I can see the gears working in my head. I’d been to the West Village maybe twice prior to this night, but where it was on a map I didn’t know. The subway was out of the question because I’d never been on it and I didn’t know how to find it or where it went. The one thing I did know was I needed to get there, find this beacon in the night that was a cafe on Christopher Street, open my mouth a little and then somehow get back to Jersey unscathed.

The distance between Penn Station and Christopher Street isn’t really all that significant, but to a rookie kid without a map and with nothing more than a mere hunch, it may as well have been a thousand miles from one to the other. I don’t know what it’s like anymore to walk for twenty blocks wondering where the street I need is: I’ve been working in the city now for 13 years, so I know the basic lay of the land and even in the rare case now when I don’t, my phone does. All I remember of that walk is basically telling Matt every few blocks “It’s coming up soon; I promise.”

The things I remember about the night all this time later: Matt’s look of surprise when we got to the Factory Cafe and I sat him down and said what I had to say. He didn’t reject me or panic, and I’m sure it was no big surprise to his ears. But I remember he needed a minute to adjust, and he laughed a lot. Not at me, but as a response to new information.

“I remember that it really didn't matter, black, white, purple, bi, straight, gay,” Matt recalls over email. He lives in Hong Kong now, so it takes him a bit to respond. “You were already my friend and a close one at that.” 

All around us, couples were on dates and people were catching up with friends or were lost in books, and I felt plugged into something -- a confidence? a safety? -- I didn’t normally feel in South Carolina...or...anywhere else really. Maybe everyone thought we were a couple sharing coffee before heading out for the night.

There’s no big dramatic conclusion to this other than we eventually finished our coffee and ended up playing pool at Stonewall before catching the train back. I kept my friend, and I still have him. For all the unknowns, Matt rolled with it and only later admitted he was stunned at what I told him. There are a million reasons why coming out to Matt, and to anyone, mattered. This isn’t abstract to me. Like I said, he wasn’t my best or closest friend, but he was the closest thing I had to a brother my own age, someone who knew my history and his support was vital in a bigger sense.

I think about my night with Matt often as I walk past the old Factory Cafe, which is now a clothing store. When I pass those big windows, I think about a younger me (a me with a full head of hair), nervously fidgeting in his seat near the front, working up the nerve to tell my oldest friend something that was both weighty and trivial. Trivial because I was still me; I hadn’t changed. I see myself laughing once it left my mouth, and I see people next to us turning pages of their New Yorker or brushing the hair out of their spouse’s eyes. I obviously see the ghosts others all around me doing the same thing, with their declarations sometimes being met with mixed results.

It’s been a long time since I felt I had to come out to someone; I’ve been me for what feels like forever, and so has my husband. But for a kid from South Carolina, that night in the Village at Stonewall -- a place that still remains a vital gathering ground -- helps remind me I’ve always had people on my side and always will. I came out to many many people when I was young, but I only came out once in New York City, and that somehow feels important to me in a way I can’t fully quantify.

I’ll close with some further bits of Matt’s email to me, because they’re fun and illuminating and characteristic of his open jocularity: “I certainly didn't expect it, but it did clear some things up in my head. All my friends had always been into sports, girls; you never seemed bothered by that, and you never even tried to hide or fake it. Hell, I remember you drawing on your Dad's Playboys, I'm thinking ...’Is this dude nuts????? He drawing on Ms Novembers double DD's’”

I’m glad Matt’s still out there and that he’s still with me.

[purenoodles]

55-100

Gonna hope it was this ask

Gonna add a read-more because this bitch LONG and also I’m in the mood to monologue on half of these questions

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

I’ve told like... two? people I’ve liked them. Drunk me on the other hand tells everyone because he’s a bitch and is like “lemme YEET my heart into the person’s lap and tell them how much they mean to me and how I wouldn’t mind owning a house and dog with them”

56. Do you like to cuddle?

If I like the person I just like being around them, preferably touching in some way (unless they aren’t cool with it) so cuddling would be WONDERFUL.  I’ve dated people in the past that weren’t cool with it, like a past ex had some serious emotional trauma so an average day’s contact was a light handshake or high five, and a really good day was a tight hug or kiss. While it’s not ideal I’m still fine with it.

57. Are you shy?

If you asked ANYONE who knew me they’d say I’m not, but I really am - at least when first meeting someone. I have a completely unearned confidence that I’ve learned to project to get me past my initial shyness and after a couple of times of that projection I can just be my natural self.

58. Do you get along with girls?

I think like 90% of my tumblr friends are girls so I’m gonna say yes. When I first meet someone I’m definitely a lot shyer around girls though. It doesn’t help that I’m 6 feet tall and an absolute god damn unit so I probably appear way more intimidating than I look.

59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

Nah we live too far apart and Erin’s been in a committed relationship like... 99% of the time I’ve known her?

60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone, wallet, and an undying love for all of my buddies

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

Yeah sure I’ll just get drunk and sleep through it or blast some bops and ignore whatever weird happenings go on

62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

I’d be disappointed if it lasted LESS than five months tbh. Like if I’m dating you I’m hoping we know each other enough that there aren’t any immediate issues that would end it that quick. I’ve been in like 3 serious relationships and they were all for over a year.

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

It is October and no. If you meant last October then also no.

64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Adorable and I better be able to kiss their forehead back. Also cute that they got a stepladder to reach or got me to bend over so they could reach lmao

65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

Got super drunk with @ticklepeachy and our friend Bean last night and talked about feelings and stuff

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

Like 22, 23, and 25

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

I’d probably just ask one of my friends to do it, but I don’t think I’d want my nails painted lol

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

Neither but if I have to pick I guess Zebra?

69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

Nope!

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

It really depends on my mood because my musical taste is all over the god damn place and I can listen to both of them in the same session

71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?    

I like my iPhone because it has my decade worth of iTunes music, but Androids are fine. My mom and aunts have blackberries and I hate them so much.

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Probably at least 6+ years ago. There’s like 50 pizza places that deliver to me so if I really want to have some delivered I can get pizza that’s actually good lmao

73. Do you like diet soda?    

Not particularly. It just tastes “off” for lack of a better word.

74. What color are the walls in your room?    

They’re “pearl white” or something I forget the exact color name but I just repainted them like 2 years ago.

75. Are you 16 or older?    

God I hope so

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

Nope, although I know a lot of people who were into it.

77. Do you have a job?    

I wish but I was like “Hey I should get a career doing something I love!” and it’s impossible to break into the job market without like a 5.0 GPA, 3 internships, and 5 years experience.

78. What are your initials?    

MJP

79. Did you ever have braces?    

Nope, I have a bit of a crossbite but it’s never been bad enough to warrant braces thankfully

80. Are you from the south?

No and I’m disgusted you would ask me this :/

81. What does your last status on facebook say? 

I’ve been scrolling for awhile and my last post was 2 years ago and it was a “shared memory” from 5 years ago. I have no idea what my last status was

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

Nope, they’re incredibly toxic and problematic and I wish I had realized it when we first met!

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

Mom for sure.

84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

Nope, haven’t done either. Although I took 2 science classes my senior year of high school which meant instead of having Gym class every day of the week for half of the year I had it like 3 days/week for like 2/3 of the year. After the first semester I had gym class with an all girl class that was a grade below me and I had to do whatever they did, so I did have some experience with tumbling.

85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

I think it was the Wolverine movie that came out a year or two ago. Ryan and I hit up Dave and Buster’s because I got a bunch of free gift cards for there, then we forgot to grab food and I was like “haha it’s fine I’ll just buy food at the movies!” When they told me it’d be $20 for Nachos and a drink I almost cried.

86. Do you smoke?    

I smoke like 1 cigarette and 1 bowl of weed a year. The cigarette I randomly have while drunk when my cousin offers me one and every time I smoke it and go “yep definitely not for me”. The weed is from my cousin’s bf who offers me a hit every time I see him lmao.

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

Flip flops but I don’t really like my feet so I prefer regular shoes

88. Is your phone touch screen?    

Yeah when it wants to work

89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

Straight but if I let my hair grow out to a few inches it starts naturally curling a bit at the ends.

90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

Yeah a couple of times

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

The lakes and rivers by me are NASTY so definitely a pool. If I drove like 2 hours to where I like going kayaking then the river is nice and I wouldn’t mind

92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

Once

93. …Had sex in a car?    

Nope!

94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

Single and ready to move across the country if I get offered a job

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

Watching Alexis stream Super Mario Sunshine unless that was after her laptop died in which case I think we were just drinking and voice chatting

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

I probably saw some around the 4th of July

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

It’s okay but I cracked the camera lens so now sometimes it gets some weird glare

98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

All of my friends are friends with benefits! They offer me emotional support or people to play games with or people I can just talk to or whatever the case may be.

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

Maybe so

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

I wouldn’t say hate, but the majority I don’t care about whatsoever

[valkyrieofvalhalla]

My life is empty

This is something that I’ve been thinking about for months now; something that’s been difficult to confront, difficult to articulate, difficult to accept. But here I sit – I’m unable to continue ignoring what’s been whispering to me from the depths of my mind. I don’t want to say it, but: I am unhappy. Unsatisfied with my life. Disappointed in who I am. I want more. I want to be more. I want to be someone else. I see the missed opportunities of my life over the years, and I can’t help but feel a sense of bitterness and anger. It’s been within me for years now, tainting my very soul. And it’s not right either. Why do I feel this way? I’m young. I’ve got a lot of good things that many don’t have. And yet… The truth remains: no matter what, I am unsatisfied.

I was seventeen when I first read T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland, but the words have stuck with me in the years since, and I find myself reciting one particular verse nearly daily now. He says

“… I could not Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, Looking into the heart of light, the silence. Vast and empty the sea.”

I think it’s downright terrible that I understand precisely what he means. My life has always been horrible. I am the daughter of old Muslim immigrants, who grew up in a country so drastically different from the United States that in their raising me, they turned me into the weirdo, the strange girl. Everything about me, every trait – physical and personality – is something to be lamented. Right from the beginning, I was different from everyone around me, even my own family. My whole identity is outcast, my name is Black Sheep, my story: that of ostracization.

I don’t know who I am, and I hate that so so much. I feel like my entire life has been an identity crisis. I know who I want to be but I fall short of actually being that person.

To begin with, my name is foreign. All my life people have made fun of my name (among a plethora of other things about me). I was, and am, the token minority of token minorities. There’s been a deep sense of loneliness in my heart since the early years of my youth, that’s simply gotten worse over the years. For more than ten years, I didn’t meet another person of my race at my schools. I was also alone in religion for a long time too. I was the only Muslim, the only person of my race. And to make matters worse, my parents raised me as if we were still living in their ass backwards country.

I remember being five years old, and telling my mom that I had a boyfriend. If you don’t know, in Islam it’s forbidden for men and women to even be friends, let alone lovers. The funny thing is, I didn’t even mean ‘boyfriend’ in the traditional sense. My five year old self had heard adults referring to my female friends as my girlfriends, so I made the logical leap that my male friends must be my boyfriends.

My mom beat me for that.

I, a five year old child, was a whore, and needed to be taught a lesson.

So, because of this upbringing, which instilled in me a manner of behavior and a set of beliefs and morals that Americans had largely been unfamiliar with since the eighteen fifties, I was always considered weird by my classmates and neighbors. I had few friends who could tolerate me, even as a kid.

My family, both immediate and extended, didn’t offer me solace either. They also thought I was weird, and thought lesser of me for it. But they thought I was weird in different ways. Funnily enough, I was too Americanized for their tastes. The most pronounced example is that of their ongoing reaction to a lifelong hobby of mine, one that is intrinsically a part of who I am: I’m a bookworm. An extreme one. In the years of my adolescence I would read for hours daily. It was often the case that I would rent a book from the library after school, go home and spend the rest of my day reading it, only to be finished by dinnertime. I always have a book with me. I’ve literally been that way since my early childhood. No matter what I’m doing or where I’m going, I would bring a book with me to read. Family gathering? It’s there in my hands. At school, during class? You bet your sweet ass I finished all my work and I’m reading. Going over to a friend’s house to hand out? You’ll see me leaving with a book in my hands.

I read every chance I got, and my family has given me hell for it. It sounds unbelievable, but please try to understand: they’re Muslims, many of which grew up in a country where plenty of people are still illiterate. They’ve said a lot to me over the years about my “hobby”, but there a few comments that were so ridiculous I remember them even now.

From an aunt: “You’re too smart for a girl.” From the same aunt: “You read too much. Girls need to socialize and be seen.” From an uncle: “No man wants a wife who reads as much as you do.” From a different aunt: “No man will love you if you stay this way.”

And a cousin once insinuated that my reading made me too curious and questioning. She told me that if my parents wanted to keep me from “straying from God’s light, they’re going to have to marry you off when you turn eighteen.”

My cousin was right of course, in that my reading made me insatiably curious and in that it also made me question everything. Reading cultivated my imagination, gave me such a supreme sense of wanderlust that I consider it a part of who I am, something that is inherently and utterly me. Reading showed me heroes and heroines who did amazing things, and I wanted to be that, to do what they did. I desperately wanted to be a hero, to go on a grand adventure and discover or do something remarkable. But the heroes in the stories I read weren’t like me. They held western morals and ideals. The years of my life where I went from a child to a young teenager were rife with questions about my own ideals and morals and who I was supposed to be versus who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be the hero who goes on a grand adventure and sees the world. Who I was supposed to be, the woman I thought I was destined to be, was a housewife, slave to her husband’s whims. For a long time I hopelessly believed that there was no saving me from my “fate”. My destiny was pre-determined.

What a load of bullshit.

But the fact that I questioned at all was enough to set me aside as someone to be shunned in my family. And, when I turned fifteen and realized that I could chose my own fate, I absolutely could make my own damn decisions and take my life in whatever direction I wanted to, they hated me even more. I’m not a proper woman. I’m not normal to them.

Sadly, I wasn’t (and still am rather not) considered normal by my peers. My classmates hated me for my bookishness as well, but for different reasons than my family. They hated me because I was nerdy. Reading was weird. I was weird. All of my elementary school years were spent being the only bookworm. Then, in middle school, I met someone who enjoyed reading! I was elated at first, but then became heartbroken when I saw that she wasn’t like me. Yes, she liked reading, but she didn’t read every day like I did. She didn’t start and finish books in a day. She didn’t have the same wanderlust I did, the same sense of wanting more out of life. From the very beginnings of my youth, I have been alone in this regard.

It got worse for me.

In my early teenage years, I was embracing western ideals, determined to become normal. Unfortunately, something happened to me which stunted my emotional growth: I was beaten and molested by a group of boys at school. They were all several years older than me, but in the same grade as me because they had been held back several times. Taller, bigger, stronger. They caught me after school and didn’t hold back.

I was irrevocably changed.

Of course, the event made me even “weirder”. I – an already isolated young woman – became even more of a hermit. I couldn’t stand being in crowds or crowded places. I loathed being touched. I constantly picked at my skin because I felt dirty. I had open sores on my arms, hands and face because I would keep my nails long and sharp and tug and dig and peel away at the skin far past the point of having blood-drenched fingers.

Even before this, I was teased by my peers, told by my family, that I was/am rather ugly. After the event, when I began picking at my skin and eating to cope with the stress, the teasing and cruel remarks only got worse.

I remember bending over to pick up a book I had dropped, and boys pointing and laughing at me. One was making a gagging sounds, pretending he was throwing up. Another was covering his eyes, opening them for a split second, then screaming as if the sight of me caused him pain.

I remember another time, where two boys were saying something about ugly girls needing photoshop. I turned around. They immediately started laughing and ribbing each other.

My family told me I’d be prettier if I straightened my hair. Curly hair is wild and ugly. I’m wild and ugly.

My own mother once told me that I was too ugly to be her daughter. She was also fond of telling me that I was so fat that no one would ever want or love me. “No man is ever going to marry you!”

More than once, teenage boys asked me out as a joke.

I remember going to school once with my hair down. I was always being told how ugly my curls were, but for once I was trying to embrace them. Accept them. It was going well, until someone decided to play with hair and then tell me that my hair was really ugly when he pulled the curl down and watched it bounce back. I went back to ponytails and buns the day after.

My aunt said to me, verbatim, “Your lips are really fat. Especially you’re bottom lip; it’s huge. It’s ugly.”

Despite all this, I’ve tried really hard to be a good person. To be steadfast in my scruples. To have honor and integrity and to do right by others. I’ve tried so hard to be good to other people, to be the kindness that was denied me in my youth.

I have had my efforts shat on.

They’ve been utterly worthless. People are still cruel to me. People still treat me terribly. I’m actually sitting here crying because this question has been bothering me for so long. What is it about me that just makes me so hate-able? Why is it so easy for people to be cruel to me, to hate me and treat me like I’m worthless?

About ten months ago, I got a new job. Almost right from the beginning, my coworkers were absolutely, utterly, heartlessly cruel to me. They hurt me, they hurt me deeply and I can’t move past it. I don’t know why people hate me enough to be like this to me, when all I try to do is be kind and considerate.

They actively excluded me. The three of them would have conversations among each other in Spanish; they know I can’t speak Spanish. Even when they spoke in English, if I tried to join in, they would just ignore me or roll their eyes at me. They were incredibly hostile to me and spoke down to me as if I was stupid, an idiot, beneath them. One of them was fond of screaming and yelling at me. Even if I wasn’t doing something wrong, as long as I wasn’t doing it exactly how she’d do it, I’d get yelled at. The other two didn’t say anything to her. They heard and saw everything but they didn’t care.

I have difficulty hearing. They know this, and yet still they would get angry at me, yell and roll their eyes at me if I didn’t hear them, or asked them to repeat themselves. Once, the same woman I mentioned earlier even scoffed and laughed at me, rolling her eyes at me as she did so. I also have a bad memory from brain damage from the event, and sometimes forgot what I was doing in the midst of doing it. Or forgot where I was heading. They gave me hell for that as well. They thought, because of my bad memory, that I was an idiot. And they thought that me being an idiot made it okay to treat me like I wasn’t a person.

They made me feel like I was worthless. Like I was nothing. They held me to a different standard, an unfair one. They would sit down doing nothing for the majority of the day. They would blatantly be on their phones or surfing Amazon or Facebook. But god forbid if I sit down to write something. No, I should’ve been doing that outside of the office! It’s a capital punishment for me to bring out my phone. How dare I make a mistake, or question them, or break a rule that they consistently and constantly break throughout the day.

It got so bad one day, them screaming and yelling at me, laughing at me, talking down to me, acting as if I was subhuman, that I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I cried. I cried and I couldn’t stop and it just kept coming. I quite literally cried for the last two hours of my shift. I tried so desperately to stop; it’s shameful. No one wants to be seen crying like that, or at all, at work. It’s unprofessional. It makes me weak.

Believe me, I’m not a sensitive person. I don’t cry very easily. And believe me, I tried with all my will to stop.

But I couldn’t.

I just kept crying and crying, so much so that I found it hard to breathe, hard to see without wiping at my eyes every few seconds. Two of them ignored me, pretending it wasn’t happening. The other one acted concerned. Asked me what was wrong. Asked me if something bad happened to my father (my father’s been having health problems for years now, and by this time has been living in a hospice). All I would say was that I was okay. I, obviously, didn’t want to say anything.

I few days later, I felt the need to “explain” myself. I told them about the reason for my memory problems. Ever since then two of them have been cordial to me, polite. Sometimes nice. The other always looks at me with something in his eyes that I can’t describe. I don’t know what to call it. I’d like to think it’s sorrow, or shame, but honestly? I can’t tell. He doesn’t even look at me that much anymore. What little communication we had at all has dwindled to practically nothing. If he has to speak to me, he makes sure to look at anywhere but me. He refuses to look me in the eye.

It bothers me immensely. It shouldn’t, but it does. He went from speaking harshly to me, yelling at me, to saying nothing at all. Looking at me with anger and hatred in his eyes to something… which I simply have no words for. If he even has the courage to look at me at all. Goodness, I mean, just a few days ago we were working alone in the office. My other two coworkers called out. He quite literally did not speak to me once all day, except to tell me to take my lunch. And, true to fashion, when he said, “X, take you’re lunch after you finish this.” he said it without even looking in my direction. Even at the end of the day, when he needed me to sign off on some papers, instead of asking me, he just left them on my desk. Didn’t acknowledge me at all.

I don’t know why people treat me like this. I just don’t understand. Once, maybe three or four months after my getting hired on, the coworker who was especially fond of rolling her eyes at me was crying at her desk. I found her there, and I gave her a hug and told her she could come to me any time to talk if she needed to. I remember that, in the split second after I saw her crying, but before I made the decision to give her a hug and some kind words, I told myself to ignore her. To be unkind and not to try to help, because she’d been a downright cunt to me nearly every single day since I’d started. Almost immediately, I admonished myself. I was ashamed at myself. It’s wrong to treat someone badly. Kindness is a virtue. Be good to people. I should’ve listened to my initial instinct. I was wrong. Being kind is not a good thing. Within a few days she was back to yelling and screaming and treating me like shit.

I just don’t understand why my life has to be like this. It seems like I’m meant for sorrow, destined for unhappiness. All my life I’ve been told that I’m ugly, that I’m too smart or too dumb, that I’m not right for anything or anyone. I’ve always felt out of place, never belonging to anyone. I’m a stranger to myself. I want to be normal. I want people to be kind to me, like I am to them. I wish that just once, things would go nicely for me.

I tried to have hope. I tried to believe that it gets better for people like me. Maybe I was an ugly duckling who would become a beautiful adult. Maybe I’d learn to enjoy hugs again, or stop tensing up whenever someone is walking behind me. I tried to change. To make myself prettier, to make myself normal.

But I’ve lost that. In these past months my morale has withered away into nothingness. I feel as if there is a void where my emotional strength should be. I have no self-efficacy. I worked so hard to make myself believe that I could succeed and become someone of worth, of importance. But my time at this job has had me reflecting on the past, and remembering events that I’d rather not remember. Now, every time I go to work, I hear a voice whispering in my head, saying, “They know, they know! They know what happened to you!” I hate people knowing about the event, but they forced my hand. I had to tell them. I hate that so much. I despise it. They even had the gall to blame me for not telling them. “You should’ve said something!” “You should’ve told us when you were first hired!”

My favorite poem is Invictus by William Ernest Henley. I know the entire poem by heart. I would recite it to myself whenever I felt weak, whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going. Now, all I can bring myself to recite is Eliot.

Truly, the sea is barren.