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agape-philo-sophia · 1 year

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➝ That Splinter in Your Mind.

“You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.” — Morpheus - The Matrix

That splinter in your mind, that confusion that still remains, even through all your research and spiritual endeavors, may come from not understanding the other-worldly higher-dimensional control and manipulation that has been exerted on this world for thousands of years. I have come across many different sources that explain this system of control, it is mentioned in various ancient scriptures, it is explained by the Gnostics, some Tibetan monks allude to it, some higher dimensional channeled beings talk about it, as do some modern day researchers, truthers and people with astral and etheric experience. Some of these controlling and manipulating other-worldly beings are referred to as the Archons by researchers - the Gnostics used that term.

This information is based on a great deal of research and connecting many dots. I know this is perhaps going to be a bit ‘way out there’ for some people, but it is just what you seem to end up with when you keep researching and going down the rabbit hole. If you haven’t heard some of this information before then, as with any new challenging concept, just allow yourself to contemplate it, or put in a little imaginary box for a later date if you want, but i would also suggest that - just like with any new concept - don’t just throw it away, it limits your ability to expand your mind. Some may not like what I have to say, it will conflict with some of their beliefs, but I am just giving people the opportunity to contemplate this and perhaps look into it themselves if they haven’t come across this information before.

The world, this Earth, will probably only really start making sense for you when you research and understand some of the complex, highly manipulative and technologically advanced, multi-dimensional control of humanity that has been coming from other-worldly beings, that are out of humans sight in the fourth dimension. Although this may sound like some sort of sci-fi movie - at some point, a long time ago, they came to Earth, and manipulated humanity, eventually taking over the Earth. They messed with humans DNA and genetics - taking away humans, what some would call, advanced spiritual abilities - such as telepathy, clairvoyance, third eye capabilities etc - so they could disconnect humanity from the other very loving sentient beings in the universe and from Source, and then easily control humanity.The good news is that all evidence suggests control is very much fading and coming to an end and we are moving collectively into a hugely expansive collective ascension process. It will all be exposed to the masses hopefully in the not too distant future with a disclosure.

The Earth has been a prison planet, a slave planet for thousands of years - amongst other things humans have been farmed for their energy - their energy of fear - these beings have, in a sense, fed off human fear. You only have to look out our economic and financial system - it is insane. The whole money debt system is an ancient slave system still being used today to enslave humanity. The deceptive and manipulative reincarnation cycle/process and the totally illogical wiping of soul memory between incarnations is a part of this complex system of control. Do you really think that in all the infinite universes this is the way souls evolve - having their memory wiped between physical lives, over and over again? What purpose does that serve other than making it very difficult to evolve your consciousness and see through the Archon’s control systems, lies and manipulations. And the only way you could escape the reincarnation process on this planet was to release all and every attachment to all physicality and all etheric and astral world experiences, every single last bit - what’s that all about? Does that seem logical to you?

Become more conscious, raise your vibration, love yourself, manifest a joyful life, let go of your fearful beliefs, become more loving to others, more forgiving, more appreciative, more compassionate, more service to others, that is very important - that helps to override the fear they continuously try to create, but also don’t become naive regarding the collective consciousness and its manipulators, all is not as it seems. Don’t believe what the mainstream media is currently telling you - it is pure manipulation, see through the lies, and in turn you help others see through the lies. It is control through fear. Become informed - don’t let them lower your vibration. Don’t let the manipulators divide humanity. Letting go of the fearful beliefs and loving yourself and each other = no food for the controllers. Humanity becoming united and informed = no control for the Elite.

These Western world’s so called ‘terrorist events’ are false flags, psyops, set ups, manipulations, deceptions - coordinated by, banking families, secret shadow governments and secret societies. Most of the larger scale shootings in America are not just false flags but total hoaxes, with not one person actually dying - they are so obviously hoaxes it insults human intelligence - all for the agenda of trying to get people to hand over their guns so they can have more control over the population. The same people who set up these events own the mainstream media and hollywood, and they understand the nature of humanity’s collective consciousness and how to manipulate it, to push forward certain agendas. These politicians in ‘power’ that you see in America, the UK, Israel, France, Germany etc, are the puppets, actors, deceivers for these banking families, shadow governments and secret societies who worship and serve these fading and dispersing other-worldly beings. They are getting desperate as the consciousness of humanity is increasing greatly because of new transformative consciousness raising energies that are hitting the Earth - that’s why you are seeing so many fabricated events, so called terrorist acts - to try to attempt to maintain some control and push through their controlling agenda - they want total control over all aspects of humanity.

I am not saying you should just take my word for it, if you feel so inclined educate yourself, research fearlessly - open your mind to possibilities - with your feeling centre open, connect to your intuition, with an open heart, with love, knowing that as you see through each lie and manipulation it benefits humanity’s collective and all your billions of human brothers and sisters - don’t allow it to lower your vibration though. If you do research this be prepared to perhaps let go of belief after belief, see where it leads you - some get to the secret societies, banking families and shadow governments manipulating the world, which some refer to as the Illuminati, which is great, but then they don’t go beyond that - if you can, open your mind and go beyond even that to who or what controls them? Truth is often stranger than fiction.

People often just don’t put the hours in, because this slave system that is in place keeps people very busy just trying to get by - or they get side-tracked by one of the many sets of prison belief systems. Religions - and sometimes even the non-religious spiritual belief movements or schools of thought - are there to side track you, to confuse you. And those in control, or should I say, those who are losing their control, have not been too worried if a few individuals get into some sort of altered states of consciousness through very prolonged meditation, as long as you aren’t awakening or igniting your disconnected DNA and your multidimensionality, and or your suppressed ‘advanced’ abilities - and they manipulate the astral too anyway. What they really do not want is you connecting with other advanced loving beings beyond Earth’s quarantine - the quarantine/energy grid around the Earth - created by the negative controlling beings using their otherworldly advanced technologies.

They just don’t want you to be able to see through the manipulation - alerting people to the control mechanisms they have and the illusions they spin. They don’t want to lose their energetic food source. But they can’t actually stop humanity reigniting their multidimensionality and spiritual abilities etc… as the consciousness raising energy that is hitting the Earth means they are fighting a losing battle.

So much of this world is a distraction - distractions are continuously set up purposely so you don’t work it out, to try and keep you in fear and a low vibration. They are there, behind the scenes, using their human puppets to continually trying to divide and confuse humanity and create a sense of fear and powerlessness, and keep humans so busy and in a stressful state you don’t have the time to work out their manipulation of world events. Stop allowing them to make humans unnecessarily fight or compete with each other - become service to others, rather than just service to self - it is much more uplifting and beneficial vibrational state for yourself and the collective. See through their lies, and then those lies lose their power over the collective consciousness.

They really don’t want humans to know about humans power - humans power to change things individually through the power of our thoughts, conscious intentions, imagination and emotions - and also collectively - they don’t want us to know the great transformative power of humanity’s united collective consciousness and the transformative power of the energy of Love. Loving group visualization meditations can have big effects on the collective consciousness. And to reiterate, all evidence suggests we are moving as a collective into a much more expansive multidimensional loving Earth experience, that the control and manipulation is falling apart, more and more people are waking up. Humans can help it fall apart and change more quickly if they unite, move into more loving states of being and open their hearts - combined with becoming more informed and discerning.

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safelumincom · 2 years

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How to Close More Sales?

Salespeople keep the lights on but not all are the same. From our experience, Hunters will devour any leads presented to them, where farmers are more lax when it comes to lead followup. Hiring great sales representatives can make a huge impact on your business. The big question for your organization is; “What kind of sales representative do you want to hire, a hunter or a farmer?”

Hunter vs. Farmer Think about the origin of these labels. Hunters are fearless warriors willing to leave the safety of their home base and travel far and wide for a successful kill. A farmer prefers to stay close to home and tend a particular piece of land. The farmer’s success is far more predictable with much less risk. Traditionally, hunters were the celebrated characters in their communities and reaped more rewards than their farmer counterparts. So, who should you hire? Hire a hunter, not a farmer and here’s why: Hunter Attributes and Work Habits

• Hunters are hard-charging, and when they are good at what they do, they grow your business. Note: Hunters can be hard to manage and don’t like being fenced in. • They thrive on the sales process where they find excitement and satisfaction in the deal process itself. • The hunter is continuously juggling several opportunities at once, and most are reluctant to turn down a new opportunity. • This sales type is typically up early and works late, and travel comes with the territory. • However, once the hunter shepherds a deal to a close, there is minimal excitement in rolling out the new client for the hunter. Hand holding and oversight is not for the hunter. Farmer Attributes and Work Habits

•Farmers thrive in a process-oriented environment and consequently manage named accounts, which they have exclusive control over. •The farmer possesses a more limited set of selling skills, as they only sell to people they know at their named account. Unfortunately, some farmers can become overpaid order takers. •This salesperson type is more averse to uncertainty and is willing to accept a smaller but more reliable commission. •Farmers prefer planned events and meetings and schedule their time efficiently. •The farmer enjoys getting to know their prospects personally and strives to become likable and tend to work in a collegial manner with the account owner. (Caution: When the relationship becomes too close, there can be problems.)

So why not employ both sales types?

1.Many companies employ both sales types, and often hunters and farmers work the same territory. Good hunters should receive assistance with lead development, from trade shows, inside sales, or the outsourced lead gen service you employ. Many times, farmers are also fed new greenfield leads as sales management wants to leverage their free time outside of named accounts. That is a mistake! 2.The farmer is not money motivated, and they already have a comfortable base and commission built into their compensation package from existing repeat business. They will work on new leads but to a point. Farmers do now want to stray off the reservation for too long, and their named accounts are their priority. Consequently, farmers are not prepared to do the hard work with second and third meetings, deep-dive product reviews, numerous phone calls, and emails, as a followup to the busy prospect. Farmers are just not built for it.

What is the alternative? Save money and build a farm team The Pareto Principle, or “80/20 Rule”, says that 80% of your sales come from 20% or less or your sales team. The hunters represent a good part of that 20%. Explore this as a strategy; when a hunter wins a deal, allow them to maintain control of the opportunity. Then, pay them a small monthly commission, based on two things: residual income from the new business and their willingness to interface with and train a sales liaison to manage the account for them. The liaison should be a person from your inside sales organization or someone that holds a position in marketing, surrounding funnel management and lead nurturing. The liaison should receive a straight salary and a small commission for the new business they develop while managing the account. The liaison, in this case, will manage the account(s) and also be trained to become a Hunter.

Note: Carefully evaluate that the person you hire is motivated to become something more than a farm hand. The risk you run is that this person will be satisfied with being an account manager. Account managers, in time, often become lazy, and they can become a drag on your sales organization. Try and keep everyone hungry for more commissions by hiring the right personality type.

Dangle the carrot for the liaison. Allow the liaison to attend WebEx meetings conducted by the hunter and when possible attend a live meeting. Think about it; both parties are receiving a small sliver of the account commission from the same pot, which helps to foster common goals and teamwork.

Send all of your leads to the hunter, and when the liaison is ready, allow the hunter to assist them in closing small deals as a training ground for future activity.

This model will immediately begin saving your company money with lowering salaries. Within 12-18 months advance the liaison to a hunter slot. (Note: This is the time to fish or cut bait with your newbie. If they are not working out, find a new person.)

Invest wisely Well-qualified hunters run circles around other salespeople, especially farmers. They are self-motivated and often do the work of two people. Use a portion of the money you would have paid a farmer and spend a bit more to hire well-qualified hunters. Be clear upfront, so they understand what you will be asking them to do in this selling – nurture – training model.

Once the hunter has successfully trained the liaison to be a hunter, pay them a small commission on the first three to five deals closed by the new hunter. Remember, incentives foster good outcomes.

For more details on our products and services, please feel free to visit us at: tradeshow lead qualification, lead nurturing, lead generation, funnel management, demand generation & sales pipeline.

Please feel free to visit us at: https://moremeetings.com/

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heattimernj · 2 years

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A Better Driveway Snow Melt Control

All indications are that we’re in for a snowy winter here in the Northeast. For those of us who want to preserve our aging backs and do something else with our precious time, driveway snow melt systems are the way to go. No need for shovelling or salt which discolors your walkway and gets tracked into the house, no waiting for the snow plow to arrive, just a beautiful, clear blacktop driveway.

For property managers, you can add liability concerns to the list of reasons to get the walkways and parking lots cleared quickly. Even when it is not snowing, a property manager has to worry about those black ice patches in places where water accumulates. These ice patches can catch residents and customers unaware, and are a major source of slip and fall injuries.

Snowmelt Systems – An EZ Button for Snow Removal

Building managers who are tired of the snow have two technology choices for snow melting systems, electric resistance heating and hydronic heating.

Electric resistance heating is often selected for small installations, but it is limited by both the sheer amount of power needed from the building’s electrical system, and by the cost of electric heating. It is expensive to heat a driveway electrically. That is why many commercial installations with large outdoor areas to keep clear, choose boiler fed hydronic pavement heating. A hydronic system can scale to almost any size, and can be heated either with a dedicated boiler, or from the main building boiler or boilers.

Snow Melting Uses less Energy with a Heat-Timer® Snow Melt Controller (SMC)

Heat-Timer®, the most experienced manufacturer of boiler control solutions, applies that same energy saving experience to hydronic snow melt systems. The Heat-Timer Snow Melt controller (SMC) is designed specifically to control driveway heating with the same sophistication that Heat-Timer® applies to boiler heating controls.

The SMC (Snow Melt Controller) uses multiple sensors to keep the pavement snow and ice free with the minimum amount of energy. The most important of these sensors is the embedded slab sensor. This robust sensor is embedded directly into the pavement and is tough enough for vehicle traffic. The sensor measures the pavement temperature to within 1° F and can detect the slightest precipitation or water on the slab.

For retrofit installations the system is capable of functioning without the slab sensor, instead using an outdoor temperature sensor. The Heat-Timer® SMC uses proven software designed to keep your walkways clear using the absolute minimum amount of energy. Even if your snow melt system came with a controller, the Heat-Timer® SMC will pay for itself over time given how much additional money it saves.

Heat-Timer protects your investment too

The SMC not only protects your residents from falls from ice and snow, it also protects both the pavement and the boiler, by monitoring inlet and outlet temperatures of the heating loop to ensure that neither the slab or the boiler experience damaging thermal shock.

Like all Heat-Timer controllers, the SMC comes with basic alarms, and with the BACnet option, the SMC can be interfaced to a Building Management System, so that the property manager can monitor the status of snow clearing systems through a 3rd party building management system.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. With the Heat-Timer® Snow Melt Control, you can finally enjoy it. Call us today for more information.

Or visit: https://www.heat-timer.com/ht_products/smc-snow-melt/

This blog was originally published at https://www.heat-timer.com/a-better-driveway-snow-melt-control/

#Snow Melt Control #Heat Timer Snow Melt Controller #snow melt systems #Snow Melt Controller #Blog

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mergehost · 2 years

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phantaloon-books · 3 years

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All We Are is Bullets

AFTG songfic, Andreil centric, Andrew POV, inspired by Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance

Trigger warnings: violence, graphic descriptions of violence, death, major character death, gunshots, guns, gunshot wounds, injury, angst, hurt no comfort, sad ending, blood, car crash, life on the run. This one’s on the heavy side sorry.

Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard

I would drive on to the end with you, a liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full

It had been over 7 months since they last had an encounter with anyone from the Moriyamas or the remaining of the Butcher’s people.

They had grown too comfortable, too soft. Andrew wasn’t even sure how that happened, considering both his and Neil’s upbringing, but it happened anyway. They were reckless and careless, jumping from town to town along the United States, jump starting cars and making gas station stops and robbing liquor stores, and they’d grown to feel safe.

What a ridiculous thing it is, safety. Neither Andrew nor Neil should be able to afford to feel safe.

But they did.

And these are the consequences.

Andrew shakes his head, pressing harder on the gas, willing the stolen sports car to just go faster. One hand on the wheel, the other hand hovering over Neil’s pressed against the bleeding wound on his stomach.

Neil’s breaths are getting rougher, and Andrew tightens his hand on the wheel. Of course Neil notices, and icy blue eyes look up towards haunted hazel.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, don’t worry, I’ve dealt with worse, it’s gonna be fine,” Neil’s words are supposed to be soothing, but his voice is too hoarse for them to work. Andrew snarls.

“Shut the fuck up, Josten, just stay awake, I’ll get us out of here, and we’ll stop soon to patch you up.”

“They’re gonna be on our tails soon, Drew, I don’t-”

He breaks off in a coughing fit, his lungs rattle, and when he pulls his hand away from his mouth, Andrew sees the red that paints his hand. Andrew swears his soul leaves his body.

“I’ll pull over on the next stop-”

“Andrew, we don’t have time to stop right now, you know we don’t, it’s fine, I’ll be fine, if we stop we’re dead.”

Andrew knows that’s true, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate it. Instead he holds on to Neil’s hand tighter, and Neil’s expression softens.

“Until the end, forever, remember?”

I will drive until the end with you. I mean this forever.

This isn’t supposed to be their lives. They were supposed to be done after the shitshow that was Neil’s freshman year. The Moriyamas were supposed to leave Neil alone. The FBI was supposed to deal with what was left of the Wesninski circle. They never should have trusted the feds to do their fucking job. Instead what was left of the Wesninski claimed war on the Moriyamas and Hatfords. Ichirou was beyond furious, with both Wesninskis and Hatfords out for blood and revenge. And he blamed it all on Neil.

Andrew would never understand the Moriyama lord’s logic. To blame a mob war on a 19 year old kid, whose only crime was being born to two mob families, one of which was tied to the yakuza.

But they were out for Neil’s blood then. Had nearly killed him outside the Court the first time, he would have been shot in the head if it wasn’t for his incredibly quick instincts. The shot hit his shoulder instead. They didn’t wait for a second time, Andrew just shoved their stuff in a bag, took Neil’s remaining money and together they ran. He only left a letter for Aaron, and he didn’t regret leaving their family behind.

Neil had been upset with Andrew at first.

“You have no idea what you just did, Andrew! You have no idea what it’s like to run for your life every single day, not knowing if you’re gonna live long enough to see the next, you have no idea what you just did!”

“I don’t care about that, Neil.”

“You should! This isn’t a little adventure, this isn’t a road trip, this is fighting to stay alive, and bullets and knives and hiding and lying forever!” his voice broke, and dropped to a whisper, “I never wanted to put you through this.”

“You’re not understanding me here, I’m trying to show you but you don’t understand. You mean too much to me to care about all the things you’re saying, I’d end my days in a hail of bullets to keep you safe, I would drive on to the end with you, I’ll keep running with you to prove to you how much you mean to me.”

Leaving bought them 4 more years.

Until today.

Until the end of everything.

The sun is going down on the highway as Andrew floors it, going too high above the speed limit running from Neil’s demons. But he’d signed up for this, as Neil had so kindly put it. Neil’s hand trembles, growing cold. His blood is slowly pooling on the car seat below him. He fights to hide his grimace, but his face is pulled tightly in pain anyway.

“I’m going to fucking stop, Neil.”

“Goddammit, Andrew! No, we can’t afford to stop, right now!”

I’m trying to let you know how much you mean.

“Andrew, we’re not stopping, I can hang on however long we need to get somewhere safe.”

“Nowhere is safe, Neil, we’ll never stop,” Andrew can’t help the snarl, anger is curling inside his chest and it’s too much, “You’re bleeding out, don’t you understand? We need to stop now.”

“I know this is frustrating for you, Drew, I get it, but we have to wait until we reach somewhere safer-”

“Goddammit, Neil-”

The car is thrown forward at once, and Andrew has to take both of his hands to the wheel to stop the car from veering sideways and crashing. With a curse, he takes a look through the rearview mirror, and he curses once more.

Fuck.

They’d been too busy arguing to notice the black SUVs and trucks on their tails. There’s a lot of them, nondescript, but obviously Moriyama. Andrew’s heart starts to race, as he wills the car to go faster, beyond its own limits. But there’s too many of them. There’s no way they’ll make it out this time.

He glances at Neil, blank mask long forgotten, worry and dread and terror seeping out of him like it never has before. Because Neil is crying softly, despite the serenity of his entire posture. Tears are streaming down his face, eyes closed but body and face relaxed.

The car is nearing 200 mph when Neil opens his eyes, tears flowing freely. The black SUVs are getting impossibly closer, caging them on the sides.

“I’m so sorry, Drew,” Neil’s voice is a shattered whisper, and it breaks Andrew’s already shattering heart, “I never wanted to get you involved in all of this, I never wanted this life for you, I’m so so sorry, I ruined your life.”

“Shut the fuck up, Neil, I chose this, I chose to run with you, I wanted-” the words are stuck in his throat and he can’t get them out. I wanted to spend however much time was left with you. That’s how much you mean to me. That’s how much this means to me. “I meant it then, and I mean it now, Neil Josten, until the end.”

Neil’s eyes are pained, something like grief and sorrow shining through the icy blue. But he still forces himself to smile, as if he can read what Andrew thought, and Andrew knows full well he does.

“We’ll show them all how much we mean.”

The first shot comes from Andrew’s side and he barely manages to dodge the bullet that cuts through the glass like it’s nothing, shattering the window at once. Neil crouches with a cry, and Andrew shoots a glance his way as much as he can as he attempts to keep the car under control. Neil’s right shoulder is bleeding, the window on his side just as shattered as his own. Andrew didn’t even notice the car getting close enough to Neil’s side, or the shot aimed his way. Neil feels his stare, the overwhelming alarm and horror that drowns Andrew from the inside, and turns pained yet calm eyes his way.

“It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

Understanding.

Neil knows he’s not going to make it, they are not going to make it. This is going to be their last run. With a deep breath, Andrew buries all the fear and worry deep down, and stares at Neil with nothing but determination.

“I’m about to get us killed, but when it stops, we run in the other direction and into the city, we hide as best as we can.” The or die trying goes unsaid, but Andrew knows Neil understands, he always does.

“I love you, until the end of everything.”

Andrew stares at Neil, and he wants to say I love you too, you mean everything to me, but instead what comes out is “Hang on, tight,” and he hits the brakes at once.

Despite Andrew’s eidetic memory should make sure that he remembers what happens next, but it’s all a blur, and when he can get to consciousness and focus his eyes, it’s to Neil half carrying him as he limps his way down the highway, looking frantically behind him. A quick glance behind them and Andrew sees the wreck he left behind; cars pile one on top of the other, some are on fire, including the one they were driving, and they set each other aflame, like pouring fuel on scarecrows. Moriyama men are dragging themselves out of the cars, and trying to find a way out of the wreck. Andrew can’t help the smile. He didn’t think they’d make it after braking a car going 200 mph, but he somehow manages to make his legs listen to him, as his ears echo.

Neil notices when he feels Andrew take back some of his own weight, turns a bloodied and dirty face at him, and smiles back brightly. Neither of them have much hope of making it to the other side of the road and finding a place to hide, but in that one second, they begin to run hand in hand, and things are okay, despite Neil’s bleeding wounds, and Andrew’s aching head.

They both know it won’t last long, so Andrew pulls Neil for a kiss, as long as he dares to, it’s merely a brush of their lips, but it’s everything that matters.

They’re about to reach the other lane when the first shot rings through the air, but Neil’s always bright instincts pull them both out of the way. They would be helpful if there were two or three men, but Andrew risks a glance back. There are dozens of men regaining their composure, readying their weapons, and before he knows what’s happening, both Neil and him are hitting the ground hard.

Neil just pushed him.

And then the bullets come, lead rain passing through phantoms.

He’s too disoriented at first, but then burning pain lights his body, like nothing he has ever felt before. He gasps, but he pushes through the pain, and forces himself to look around. He doesn’t have to look far, he finds what he needs next to him.

“Neil! Neil!” His voice seems far, far away, but Neil is looking up at the blue, blue sky, breath coming in insignificant little huffs, more like sighs than breaths. Blood is pooling underneath them. “Neil, look at me, stay with me.”

Moving hurts, burns, but he makes himself push through it harder, until he’s somehow leaning on his side, with a clear view of Neil. Neil who’s bleeding too much. Neil who has too many bullet holes on his body. Neil who just pushed him to the side to protect him. Neil who is bleeding out. Neil who despite everything turns his head so he’s facing Andrew, even if his eyes are still looking up.

Andrew’s own eyes are blurring with unshed tears, and he blindly reaches forward to grab Neil’s hand lying limply by his side.

He feels like he’s falling.

Neil’s lips are turning red, and he’s coughing, choking, trying to force out words that can’t come out. He gasps and moans in agony, and Andrew’s own chest hurts, not just from the bullets he couldn’t escape. This is it, a pool of blood, falling and touching hands.

“Neil, look at me, look at me, it’s gonna be alright, we’re gonna be alright.”

Andrew’s own voice is cracking. He doesn’t understand how Neil remains awake, but his stubborn idiot rabbit is still breathing. With another strained whine and a choked sob, their eyes meet at last. Icy blue and deep hazel, one last time.

And Andrew is falling, falling, falling.

He squeezes Neil’s hand as tightly as he can, and chokes out a whisper despite the metallic taste flooding his mouth, “It’s okay, we’ll be okay, just let go, it’s okay.”

He feels the thuds of footsteps approaching, but black is already creeping at the edges of his vision, his eyelids are growing heavy, and Neil’s own breaths are coming slower.

Neil closes his eyes, and Andrew closes his as Neil’s shredded chest stops moving.

I’ll meet your eyes, I mean this, forever.

lol sorry

read on ao3

#all for the game #aftg fanfic #aftg #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #tfc fanfic #tfc #tkm #trk #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #this was dark lmao #ngl i made myself cry for a bit there #demolition lovers

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marwritesgood · 4 years

Text

Rewrite | M. Martinez

Pairing: Mario x Diaz!Reader

Timeframe: Season 3

Summary: As life with their newborn becomes increasingly difficult, Mario and Y/n stop seeing each other eye-to-eye (and other stuff happens).

masterlist

A/N: (This is one of the longest things I’ve ever written (I actually had to cut it down and group some paragraphs together bc it exceeded the limit), but I couldn’t help myself. I really enjoyed exploring the dynamics between the characters and all the themes that came with it. To keep it from dragging on, I condensed the canon timeline and changed some details around - hopefully it’s easy to keep up with x

It had been a month since the birth of my and Mario’s son, Manuel. What I had expected to be the beginning of the happiest chapter of my life turned out to be quite the opposite. And it had nothing to do with the people around me or my son.

Mario’s family were so supportive of us. Abuelita insisted we stay with her until we had the funds to get a place of our own. Both her and Geny were constantly offering to babysit Manuel, which I took up almost all the time, much to Mario’s dismay. Even Oscar tried to pull money together every other week to help us out. I should have been nailing this whole motherhood thing in theory because I had so much support from everyone I loved. In reality, however, I was struggling to get by.

“And you’re sure you fed him before you left for work?” I was on the phone with Mario as I pulled up at Oscar’s house. When it came to getting out and taking the buckles off Manuel’s car seat, I pressed my phone against my ear, using my shoulder. “The one I put on the counter, right?”

“Yes,” Mario replied, his aggravation vividly clear in his tone. I had to stop for a moment to try and keep myself from crying. I had been doing a lot of that lately at the worst times, and I couldn’t understand why. When I didn’t respond, Mario sighed loudly. “Look, babe, you can’t keep calling me when I’m at work... I’m new to the job, and I’m already on my boss’ bad side.”

I inhaled sharply. He was right.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, trying to control the way my voice sounded so Mario wouldn’t be any more concerned about me than he already was.

“... I’ll see you when I finish, okay?”

After a short moment, he hung up, and I put my phone in my back pocket, thinking back to the times where he would never end a call without telling me he loved me. I didn’t know if it was because he genuinely didn’t catch on, or he was too eager to leave the conversation, but I needed that reminder now more than ever.

I slung my bag over my shoulder before picking up Manuel’s car seat, where he was fast asleep. After closing and locking the car I was borrowing off of Abuelita, I headed inside Oscar’s house. I hated the days where I was left alone with my son. The days where no one was around to take him off my hands. So on days like these, I would go to Oscar’s house and spend the day there, just so I wouldn’t be left alone with Manuel.

“He sleeping?” Oscar asked after he heard me come in. His back was turned against me, and he was facing the counter where he was making two cups of coffee for both of us.

“Yeah,” I answered, exasperated from carrying my son and my belongings inside. After putting Manuel, who slept quietly in his seat, down on the couch, I joined Oscar, who smiled at the sight of my son sleeping soundly.

“How you been?” Oscar asked, nodding at me as he pushed a mug of coffee in my direction. I hummed as I lifted it up and took a sip. I couldn’t drink coffee as often as I liked since I was breastfeeding, but I saved the few times I did when I went to Oscar’s. He made it the best.

“Good,” I answered, without even pausing to think. Oscar shifted his attention to me and watched as I fiddled with the handle on my mug. I knew he wanted to pry. He wanted to ask me more and more questions until I finally gave him a truthful answer, but I wasn’t ready for that. Fortunately for me, before he could say anything else, Cesar came bursting through the front door, throwing his bag on the ground before approaching Oscar. I held the handle of my mug tightly as I watched him speak.

“There’s a dude posted up outside.”

Oscar got up instantly and walked outside, his gun in his hand, ready to be fired. Cesar followed him, trying to stand next to him as he approached the guy across the street, only to be pushed behind by Oscar. I took the opportunity to peek through the sheets of tin foil Oscar had covering the windows. After squinting my eyes to try and make out the man standing on the other side of the street, a duffle bag by his feet with an oddly familiar stance, I began to piece together who it was.

My father.

Before my brothers could make their way back inside, I took Manuel into my old room, which Oscar left untouched since I had moved out after giving birth. I could faintly make out the sound of their conversation in the living room area, so I took my time putting Manuel and my bag down. When I finally made my way back to where my family were seated, I could see the tension between all of them. My dad and Cesar looked up at me when I walked in, but Oscar remained glaring at Ray.

“Cesar, you need to get to school,” Oscar said flatly.

My little brother lifted his hands in annoyance and immediately looked at me. Often, when Oscar told him to do something he didn’t want to, he would turn to me in hopes that I would say the opposite. It was always that way, never vice versa. But, when it came to either one of our parents, I had to have Oscar’s back.

“Go,” I told him, and he reluctantly picked his bag off the floor. I took his spot on the couch and joined Oscar in, glaring at my dad. He looked no different from the last time he bothered to come around.

“You still in school?”

“I finished over a year ago,” I droned, wanting more than anything to take my son and leave, but I knew I couldn’t leave him alone with Oscar. Not to mention if I did leave, I would have no place to go but back to Abuelita’s place where I would be left alone with Manuel.

“College?”

“Are you kidding me?” I laughed dryly. Oscar shook his head.

My father inhaled slowly, his eyes scanning the room before landing on the corridor that leads to the bedrooms. I felt my heart begin to pound, fearing for where this conversation was heading.

“The baby you took to your room,” he began, confirming what I had already expected. I hadn’t done as good of a job at hiding Manuel as I thought. “... yours?”

I could see Oscar getting angrier and more aggravated by how he clenched his fists and his jaw. He was always protective of Cesar and me when it came to our dad, but it appeared to be tenfold with Manuel. I glanced over at my brother, but he was too busy glaring at Ray to notice. Sighing, I turned back to him and nodded. There was no point in hiding Manuel’s existence from him. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t still try and protect him.

“... The father?”

Ray hesitated before asking. I could tell that, while he was obviously curious to know, he was also cautious that he was digging too deep so suddenly. Oscar huffed, rubbing his hand over his facial hair, clearly annoyed. I felt indifferent.

“Mario Martinez.”

“Martinez?” He raised his eyebrows before pulling his blunt back towards his mouth. After exhaling slowly, releasing a cloud of smoke, he nodded, seemingly impressed. “... Good family.”

“I didn’t ask for your approval,” I scoffed before standing up and turning my back to him. I looked down at Oscar and signalled him to follow me into my old room to have a conversation outside of our father’s earshot.

Once he had followed me inside, I closed the door to ensure privacy before turning back to my son, who was thankfully still fast asleep. I began packing his things up as I spoke to Oscar.

“What are we gonna do?”

After gathering Manuel’s things, I brought the handlebar of his car seat up so I could be ready to take him to the car, through the backdoor, as soon as Oscar and I were finished discussing our next course of action.

“I don’t know,” Oscar sighed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. I sat on my old bed and looked up at him silently. After a moment, he looked back at me. “Cesar wants to... take him out for lunch tomorrow.”

The way Oscar explained, I could tell how immensely uncomfortable he was with the thought of it and with how eager Cesar was to reconcile his relationship with.

“Want me to go with them?” I asked.

He nodded.

I sighed but nodded back. As much as I wanted to avoid having a conversation with my father, let alone sit and have a meal with him, I couldn’t leave Cesar to meet him for lunch on his own. I couldn’t let him get too close and too vulnerable with Ray.

Oscar and I knew better than anyone how that would eventually end.

***

After leaving Oscar’s place, I noticed that Mario’s car was parked outside the building when I got home. Manuel had fallen asleep during the car trip, so I carried him in his car seat inside.

After I took him to his nursery and placed him in his cot, I went back into the kitchen area where Mario was grumbling as he did the dishes. It was getting late, so I assumed he was just tired.

I walked over and stood beside him so I could give him a hand, but he turned to me with furrowed brows before I could do so. My heart began to pound because I knew I had done something to upset him.

“You said you would do the dishes today,” he stated sharply. I sighed before dropping my head down. “It’s so late. Where the hell have you been?”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled before reaching past him so I could finish washing the rest of the dishes. I hoped that would be enough to defuse the tension, but Mario simply took a step to the side and continued to glare at me as he waited for an explanation. “- I was at Oscar’s, and I lost track of time. My-”

“I don’t care,” he interrupted, the volume of his voice rising abruptly.

Whenever Mario and I fought, he was never the type to yell, no matter how angry he got. I always worried that I would end up pushing him over that edge one day, and it seemed like today was that day.

“Mario,” I whispered, slightly startled by how angry he was getting. There was obviously more to it than just me forgetting to do the dishes.

“I work so hard to support you and Manuel,” he began, his voice growing louder from what appeared to be frustration. “I asked you to do one thing.”

“I know, but-”

I was planning on leaving Oscar’s place early to make it back in time to get all the housework done. When my dad arrived out of the blue, it put a wrench in my plans. Mario cut me off before I could explain that to him.

“And what’s up with you calling me at work all the time?” His expression was saturated with anger. I wondered how long he had bottled up this resentment. “I thought you would be used to taking care of Manuel on your own by now.”

“I’m trying,” I cried in reply. I really was.

“Try harder,” he said in an icy tone, his expression becoming emotionless all of a sudden. I held my breath, trying to suppress my tears. “You shouldn’t be taking Manuel out so late... you need to start being a better mother.”

He turned around and walked into our shared room. Once I was sure he was out of earshot, I turned my attention back to the dishes I was cleaning, trying to keep myself distracted.

When I felt my tears beginning to pour out of my eyes, I knew it wasn’t working.

All of the insecurities I felt about being a new mother were beginning to surface. I wanted desperately to be everything Mario and Manuel needed me to be, but I just felt like I could never be able to do that. And it was killing me inside.

***

The following morning, I woke up extra early. I tried to get as much housework done as possible to give Manuel his second bottle for the day. Normally Mario would because I would be too exhausted too, and because it normally fell around the time, he was set to leave for work.

Since the night before, we hadn’t spoken to each other, so I thought doing that would be a step in the right direction for us. Apparently not.

“What are you doing?” Mario asked, startling me as I tested the temperature of Manuel’s milk on my wrist.

“I was gonna feed Manuel,” I explained.

“But I feed him his second bottle,” Mario said, anger and annoyance both prevalent in his tone and his expression.

“I know,” I replied calmly. This was appearing to have the opposite effect to what I hoped it would; Mario was seemingly getting angrier with me. “I just thought you might want a break from having to feed him this morning.”

“Looking after my son isn’t a burden, Y/n,” he retorted, his voice getting louder with each word he spoke. My eyes grew wide. I didn’t know whether to be startled or offended.

Was he insinuating that I made looking after Manuel seem like a burden?

“I never said that,” I responded.

Just as I finished speaking, the sound of Manuel’s cries sounded throughout the room. Mario turned back to me, holding his hand out so he could take the bottle and feed our son. Not wanting to argue with him, I reluctantly handed it over.

He left for work without saying goodbye to me, even though I stood in the kitchen and watched him go. Normally he would kiss me goodbye before leaving to go anywhere. I knew this was a testament to how angry he was.

Once it was nearing lunchtime, I took Manuel and dropped him off with Geny. When Abuelita saw me crying by the kitchen sink the night before, she sat me on her couch and consoled me. After I explained to her what happened with my dad, she called Geny. At first, she wanted to confront her son about how he spoke to me, but I talked her out of it. After that, she offered to watch Manuel for the afternoon while I went to lunch with Cesar and my dad.

Once I dropped Manuel off to her, I headed to Dwayne’s restaurant, where Cesar and our dad were seated at a booth. As I approached them, Ray sat up uncomfortably.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said as I took a seat next to Cesar, who immediately passed me his plate of fries. I turned to him and smiled, only to be met with a concerned expression.

“You okay?” He asked, knitting his eyebrows out of worry. I had forgotten I spent the night crying and that my eyes were slightly puffy.

“Yeah, I just didn’t get much sleep,” I answered a beat too quickly for Cesar to be convinced. Nonetheless, I knew he would look past it so he could continue catching up with our father.

“I was just telling Cesar how good it is he has a job,” my dad said, as he took a bite of the food Cesar undoubtedly got him with his employment perk.

“Yeah, Dwayne’s always been good to me,” Cesar explained, smiling nervously as he fiddled with his fingers. It was endearing and concerning the way he was so anxious he was acting like an overexcited child. “Even when things got hard.”

I placed my hand on him should and gripped it tightly. Cesar was one of the more emotional ones of the Diaz men, but that didn’t mean he was always upfront with how he felt.

“I heard about your mom,” our dad said, looking up at the two of us nervously. I stared blankly at him, trying my best not to glare, but I promised Cesar I wouldn’t be hostile at our lunch. “I should have reached out... I’m sorry.”

I looked over at Cesar, and I could tell he was trying his best to maintain his smile. I was the only person he had ever spoken to about our mom, but those conversations were infrequent and always emotional.

“You should try the char burger,” I said to our dad before sliding out of the booth, so Cesar could step out. “You’ll like it... Cesar, why don’t you go order one for him.”

He nodded before leaving so he could head towards the counter. I slid back into the booth and glared at my father.

“What’s your deal?” I asked angrily, annoyed that he would bring up such a painful memory for Cesar, let alone myself. “It’s not enough to traumatise us; you have to come back just to pour salt in our wounds?”

“That’s not why I’m here.”

“Then why are you here, huh?” At that point, I was just as curious as I was angry. He had been in and out of prison for over a decade, yet the last time he bothered to stop by, Cesar wasn’t even old enough to form memories.

“I... I wanna patch things up,” he said.

It really took him over two decades to grow a conscience and make an effort in his children’s lives.

“Look,” I whispered before glancing up at Cesar, who was in the process of getting the char burger. I sighed. “Just... tread lightly for now, okay? Cesar wants to catch up with you, not relive his childhood trauma.”

Ray inhaled deeply before nodding. I felt protective over Cesar, but when it came to our parents, this was only heightened. I was not going to let my dad hurt him. Not on my watch. Once Cesar was approaching the table, I slid out so he could sit in his initial spot.

“Where’s Manuel, Y/n?” Cesar asked.

My breath hitched as it dawned on me that I forgot to ask Cesar not to bring him up in front of our dad. Once he mentioned him, however, I knew there was no going back.

“He’s with Geny,” I answered before taking a bite of my plate of fried. Ray watched me intently before speaking up again- exactly what I feared he would do.

“Is there any chance I could meet him?”

I had to physically and figuratively bite my tongue. As much as I wanted to respond snidely, I knew that would only damage my relationship with Cesar- who made me promise that I wouldn’t be hostile at that lunch.

“I’ll think about it,” I replied. Cesar’s expression didn’t seem to change, so I knew I had answered in a way that both kept the peace and ensured I could continue to control how much of a role my dad would have in my son’s life- which, if it were up to me, would be minuscule.

Just as the conversation headed towards a different, much safer direction, my phone began to vibrate.

After I excused myself from the table, I went outside the building and answered the call.

It was Mario.

“Why does my mom have Manuel?” His tone was accusatory and angry. That seemed to be the case for all of our conversations.

“I’m at lunch-“

“You left Manuel so you could go for lunch?!”

“It was important, Mario.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He was speaking so loudly, I had to hold my phone at a distance away from my ear. “What kind of a mother are you? What could be more important than our son?”

My breath hitched, but I tried to recover quickly. Nothing was more important to me than Manuel, but I needed Mario to know that I wasn’t avoiding my responsibilities as a mother for something trivial.

“I’m at lunch with my dad,” I explained, trying to speak as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t have the chance to interrupt.

“... You’re dad’s back in town?” I was relieved that he was calming down, finally understanding why I was too preoccupied to have Manuel with me at all times.

“Yes,” I answered, trying to keep my tone neutral despite how much I was on the verge of tears. “- but don’t worry. I’ll pick up Manuel... I know I need to start being a better mother.”

I made it a point to use Mario's exact phrasing when he scolded me the night before. Just as he began spluttering a response, I hung up the phone.

***

It had been a week since I met Cesar and Ray for lunch. I hadn’t heard from either of them nor Oscar until I was on my way to picking up Cesar. Normally he preferred to make his own way home, but he had plans to meet with Ruby and wanted me to give him a ride. Just as I pulled up in front of Dwayne’s barbecue joint, my phone began to ring. As soon as I answered it, the sound of my older brother’s voice sounded throughout my car. Needless to say, he was angry about something.

“Did you know he got him a job?”

There it was.

“Huh?” I answered, completely taken back by what he had said. I suspected he was talking about Ray, but for Cesar’s sake, I hoped he wasn’t. “- what are you talking about, Oscar?”

“Cesar got the viejo a fucking job,” he yelled, his voice growing louder and angrier with every word he spoke. “- what happened to keeping an eye on him?

“I-i had to leave early,” I sighed. “Cesar must’ve talked to Dwayne after I left.”

“Well, great fucking job, y/n,” Oscar retorted. I could feel the pace of my heartbeat quickening the louder and madder he got. I felt overwhelmed. “You were supposed to make sure Cesar didn’t get too close to him; now they’re workmates.

“Look, I know you’re mad, but could you stop yelling at me?!” My voice shook as I spoke, and I felt my eyes water and hands shake. I didn’t know what was coming over me, but I had no control over it. “- I have enough people telling me I’ve fucked up. I don’t need that shit from you.”

There was silence for a prolonged moment, and I groaned quietly. I didn’t mean to overshare, but it was too late to take it back. I didn’t want Oscar to worry about me more so than he already did.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled quickly. “... you alright?”

“I’m good,” I replied, even though he and I both knew I was far from it. Nonetheless, I wanted to end our conversation as swiftly as possible. The longer I stayed on the line, the more I feared he would pry into what was going on with me. “- Don’t worry... Look, I know it’s messy, but there’s nothing we can do without hurting Cesar. We just gotta wait it out and see how it goes.”

After agreeing to do so, Oscar hung up, and I finally made my way inside. My dad was wearing an apron and stood by the front counter. It eerily reminded me of the times he would cook for my brothers and me when we were kids, that is, in between the times he abandoned us and showed up when he needed a place to crash. When the doorbell rang as I walked in, he looked over to me and smiled. I almost didn’t want to glare at him.

“Hola mija,” he greeted as he approached me. I hated to admit it, but I could see how hard he was trying to be an accomodating host. “Can I get you a menu?

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “- no, I’m just here to pick up Cesar. He said he needed me to give him a ride somewhere.

“He’s in the back,” Ray replied, nodding towards the entrance to the storeroom. “I think he’ll be out soon.”

“So,” I began, trying to fill the awkward silence. Though I still had 19 years worth of resentment towards him, I wanted to be civil. “You’re working here now, huh?”

It felt strange talking to my father like this. The last time he was around, I was around Cesar’s age. Now, we were making small talk like the two adults we were. It felt uncomfortable because part of me still felt like the girl I was when he left, the girls who had been hurting for almost 10 years because of what he did.

“Yeah, it’s nice... Dwayne’s a good boss.”

“Yeah,” I smiled in agreement. Mr Turner was one of the kindest people I knew. Whenever I came into his restaurant after school, he always made sure I left with an empty stomach even if I didn’t have any money. Now, he was doing the same for my little brother. “He’s always been good to Cesar.”

Just as I turned to call Cesar to come out from the storeroom, my dad spoke up, causing me to turn my heel back and face him. He seemed hesitant, which was a strange sight. I remembered him being certain of everything he did.

“Hey, um,” his nervousness was heavily prevalent in his voice. I tried to prepare myself for what he was about to say, knowing it would have a significant impact. “- I know you said we could talk about it later... but I really wanna meet my grandson.”

I inhaled sharply. Of all the things he could have said, I was not expecting him to bring up Manuel. Considering his track record, I assumed he would be gone before my son crossed his mind again. He seemed to prove me wrong.

“- I know, you have every right to say no,” he added, in a tone I could only assume, and hope was sincere. “- I was a horrible father to you... but I’m hoping I can be a good abuelo... if you give me a chance.”

“I don’t know...” I sighed. I still felt uncertain about my dad and his agenda. I felt uncertain that he changed enough to be sincere, let alone enough to have a place in my son’s life.

Although he was Manuel’s grandfather, and nothing I could do would ever change that, I had control over who came and left my son’s life. I would not let him in without confirmation that he was better, that he had changed.

“I understand,” he answered.

The two of us stood in awkward silence for a minute or so before Cesar entered the dining area, his backpack clutched in his hand. He seemed concerned by the way my father and I were standing, the tension between us physically apparent just as it was figuratively.

“Hey, you ready to go?” I smiled as I turned to face my little brother. I didn’t want him to worry any more than he already did.

Cesar nodded, drawing his attention away from the tension between our father and I. Just as we were about to turn and leave, Ray pulled out a brown to-go bag from behind the counter.

“Here, mijo, I got you something,” he said as he handed the bag to Cesar, who was taken aback but smiled nonetheless. “I noticed you didn’t have anything to eat when you were on your break.”

I glanced back at Cesar, who seemed grateful. Often when he had a lot on his mind or a lot on his plate, it was easy for him to forget to do important things like getting something to eat. Moreover, when Cesar did realise what he had forgotten, he would often try to hide it. It took a bit of paying attention before Oscar, and I picked up on it. I was impressed that my dad managed to do so in just a day.

“Do you need a ride?” I asked my dad, who shook his head and smiled.

“No, I’ll be okay. I still have a few more hours to go.”

“... Are you working tomorrow?”

“No,” he answered. I could tell he was worried about where my subtle interrogation was headed.

“Okay,” I smiled, knowing what I would say would make him happy. “Come by my place tomorrow morning... You can meet your grandson then.”

He grinned as he inhaled deeply. I smiled weakly before placing my hand on Cesar’s shoulder and walking out of the restaurant, hoping with all my heart that I wasn’t making a mistake.

***

My dad arrived at my doorstep the next morning, almost half an hour before the time we agreed upon. He tried to hide it when I greeted him, but I knew how happy he was that he was finally getting the chance to meet his grandson.

“Where’s Mario?” Ray asked nonchalantly as I led him to Manuel’s nursery.

“He’s working,” I answered shortly, not allowing my dad the chance to pry. “Just watch your step when you come in. There’s lots of toys lying around.”

I smiled wearily at my son as I carefully picked him up from his bed. I was getting more confident in holding him, but I still felt scared every time I did. As I cradled him in my arms, I looked over to my dad, who had carefully navigated his way through the array of baby toys on the ground.

“Here,” I said softly, as I slowly moved towards him, carefully transferring my son from my arms and into his. Watching him cradle his grandson so carefully and with so much concern made me smile. “His name’s Manuel.”

“Manuel,” he repeated, smiling as my son continued to sleep soundly in his arms. I couldn’t help but smile. This was a side of my dad I forgot existed. He shook his head as he continued to grin down at Manuel. “... que lindo.”

I turned away and began folding Manuel’s freshly washed clothes away. As I pulled open one of the drawers, I looked down and saw my dad’s duffel bag in the corner of my eye; fully packed and discarded by the door. That’s when I began to piece together why he wanted to meet my son so soon. I pushed the drawer shut slowly before turning to back to my dad, who was still oblivious to what I had figured out.

“You’re leaving?” I asked, glancing pointedly at the bag he left by the door.

He slowly turned around, carefully placing Manuel back in his cot, before turning back to me. When he didn’t say anything- only nodded guiltily as he shoved his hand in his back pocket, I wanted to scream.

“Why?” I questioned, trying to understand why he was choosing to leave again, especially after reconciling with Cesar and finding out he has a grandson. Did those things mean nothing to him? Did we mean nothing to him?

He glanced back at Manuel before leading me into the living room, knowing that I wasn’t gonna be quiet. I closed the door behind me and began scolding my dad.

“Can’t ever think about anyone but yourself,” I shouted in frustration. I had really hoped he changed. “This is gonna break Cesar, but you don’t give a shit about that, do you?”

“Mija-”

“-And what about trying to patch things up, huh?” I wasn’t going to let him speak. Not until I got what I needed to say off my chest. I didn’t get to do that the last time he walked out, and I had regretted it ever since. “How do you think they’re gonna react when you tell them?”

When my dad stood silent, eyes falling to the ground, I stumbled back.

“What, you’re dumping that on me too?”

Silent filled the air for a prolonged moment. I glared at my father, bewildered by what he was doing and how little regard his plan had for me and how I would be affected. He looked like he was about to speak.

“I’ll call Cesar when I get to Bakersfield,” he said as if that solved the issue. “Oscar... he’ll come around, but... he’s gotta let go of that rage-”

“- Stop,” I hissed, holding my hand up and shaking my head angrily. I began to regret ever inviting him inside. “You don’t get to do that... You don’t get to come here and try and tell us what’s wrong with us- You’re what’s wrong with us.”

“Mija-”

“And would you stop calling me that,” I snapped, raising my voice louder, although Manuel was sleeping in the room. “I stopped being anyone’s hija the day I had to start being a mother to a kid that wasn’t even mine.”

I glared at my father, who stood silent. My eyebrows knitted together as I continued to shout at him.

“And now... I finally get the chance to raise my own, but I’m too scared to be left alone with him in case I end up exactly like you. A deadbeat.”

My father looked taken aback by my outburst but remained silent, nodding his head only slightly, showing he acknowledged the truth in what I was saying, or rather screaming, at him. I breathed heavily, tears brimming in my eyes as I felt my throat begin to close up.

“Everything bad that’s happened to me is because of you,” I cried, my voice beginning to crack. Before I could continue speaking, I inhaled sharply, my breath beginning to stutter. “I can’t even look at my son without thinking of all the ways I could end up failing him as you did to me.”

His eyebrows rose before furrowing in sympathy. Before I could even think of stopping him, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I couldn’t help but sob quietly. I had craved a hug from my dad for most of my childhood.

I wish he hadn’t waited so long to give me one.

***

Fortunately, not long after Ray left, Abuelita arrived home. After explaining to her what had happened, she happily agreed to stay with Manuel so I could go and break the news to my brothers. So I got my things together in haste and drove as quickly as I could to Oscar’s house.

After knocking on the front door and being let in by Oscar himself, I sat at the table and waited. My brother had our traditional mugs of coffee at hand and sat opposite me. He immediately noticed my puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“What happened?” He asked softly, watching me intently as I fought back the tears while trying to piece together an explanation. He leaned forward and clutched the handle of his mug. “You and Mario fight again?”

I shook my head quickly. Staring down at my mug, I sighed deeply. The longer I waited to tell him, the harder it would eventually be. There was no point in beating around the bush.

“Ray left,” I stated. Oscar inhaled sharply, clicking his jaw as he turned his head away from me. I couldn’t bear to look up at him, so I sat in silence. Whatever he wanted to get off his chest, I would let him.

“Cesar’s gonna be crushed,” he sighed. He and I both knew that more than anyone. Even though he knew that our parents basically left us with no choice but to sacrifice our youth and dreams to support Cesar, he still yearned to have a relationship with them. If only he knew how painful it was.

“Hey,” I whispered, causing Oscar to finally look me in the eye.

I could see his eyes glistening. Though his first concern was how Cesar would be affected, I could tell that he was just as impacted. We both let our guards down when Ray accepted the job at Dwayne’s business. We both secretly hoped he would stay this time.

“I’ll tell him,” I insisted. Oscar sat up, ready to disagree, but I spoke before he could say anything. “- he made you break the news to us the last time he left. I’m not gonna let you go through that again.”

My voice began to crack. Oscar furrowed his eyebrows in concern, but I had already made my mind up.

“He’s gonna take it out on you,” Oscar said, in an attempt to get me to leave the burden with him, but I refused. I shook my head.

“Let him,” I replied shortly.

Cesar was a wild card when it came to things like this. When Oscar delivered the bad news, Cesar would respond by either breaking down or shoving our brother. Sometimes he would even punch the nearest wall. When it was me, however, Cesar typically responded by saying awful things. Things he didn’t mean. Often he would accompany such words with a shove or two.

I knew that this was a big one, though.

So I tried to prepare myself for anything. Maybe Cesar was gonna say something awful to me in retaliation. Maybe he was just gonna break down in tears. Maybe he was gonna react in an unprecedented way. Regardless, I was willing to take whatever. For Oscar and I, this was yet another time one of our parents let us down. For Cesar, this was the first time he got to develop a relationship with either one of them, and so the first time, he was gonna be disappointed so severely.

About an hour later, after Oscar and I finished our coffee and sat silently on the couch, Cesar came home from school. Noticing how quiet we were, he immediately figured out that something wasn’t right.

“What’s going on?” Cesar asked hesitantly, noting how Oscar and I were staring at him as he walked in with such intent and concern. He glanced down the hall before looking back at the two of us. “Where’s Ray?”

I had done so much crying; I was convinced that I had no more tears left. Yet, when Cesar spoke, I felt my eyes being glazed over again. I looked over at Oscar, who offered a nod of encouragement.

“Cesar, c’mere... Ray left,” I explained painfully, not having enough courage to look at my little brother as I spoke.

“What?” Cesar was already beginning to shout, and I didn’t blame him. I inhaled sharply while looking up at the ceiling, trying to pull myself together so I could be there for him in whatever way he needed me to be. “He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“He did.”

Cesar sighed, his eyebrows knitting as he processed the bad news. His eyes quickly darkened, and he immediately turned to Oscar.

“What did you do?”

“He didn’t do anything,” I said before Oscar could chime in. I held my hand out and gently pushed Cesar back after he stepped towards our brother. “I was the last one he talked to, okay? I only just told Oscar before you got home.”

“Well, what did you say, then?”

“Cesar,” I sighed. I had little to no energy left, let alone enough to argue with my little brother. “He was never sticking around... He showed up with his duffel bag already packed.”

“What, you didn’t try to talk him out of it? You just let him go?”

“I’m not responsible for what he decides, Cesar.” My frustration grew exceedingly as I spoke. “He’s a grown man. I shouldn’t have to talk him out of abandoning his children... again.”

Cesar turned away, confirming to me that he knew I was right. I sighed, thinking the worst of our argument was over, but that’s when Cesar spoke again.

“I bet this makes you happy,” he muttered. “You and Oscar couldn’t wait to get rid of him.”

“Happy?... You think I’m happy?” I repeated, furrowing my brows as I stared down at my little brother. Of all the stupid things he’d said to me in his lifetime, this was an all-time low. “Are you fucking kidding me? Cesar, I’m your sister... but for most of your life, I’ve been your mom... If you’re gonna yell at someone, get on the next bus to Bakersfield and go yell at him. He’s the one who left. He’s the one who ruined our lives.”

“Ray didn’t ruin my life,” Cesar muttered quietly, shaking his head and laughing dryly, before looking up at me with a scowl. “You did.”

Oscar stood up and placed himself in between Cesar and me. He held his arms up in an attempt to get Cesar to back down but to no avail.

“Cesar, that’s enough,” he warned, facing our little brother, who shoved back every time Oscar tried to push him away. Cesar was adamant about getting the last word, but Oscar continued to try and keep him back. “Ces- Cesar, that’s enough.”

“No, you know what?”

Cesar fought free from Oscar’s grip and immediately finished what he started.

“Everything bad that’s happened to me is because of you,” Cesar spat, glaring at me with such passionate anger, I almost didn’t recognise my little brother. “Manuel’s gonna need all the luck he can get with a mother like you.”

My mouth slowly fell agape, and my breath hitched. I could hear Cesar breathe heavily from all the yelling. He glared at me, almost as if he knew how much he was hurting me, but he didn’t seem to care. He stormed out of the house before Oscar could begin scolding him for taking it too far. So instead, he watched my reaction intently, ready to console me if I needed to break down after what Cesar had just said.

“Y/n, he didn’t mean that,” Oscar reasoned, taking note of the way my eyes glistened and how hard I was biting my bottom lip, something I only ever did to keep myself from crying.

I nodded, even though I was finding it increasingly difficult to believe. Everything I had suspected of myself. All of the fears I had about being an actual mother for the first time. Cesar’s words were making me confirm it.

I grabbed my bag off the floor and began heading for the door, despite Oscar’s attempts at calling out to me. I had to leave. I couldn’t face either one of my brothers. And, at that point, I couldn’t even face my son. I began driving around the block before finding an empty parking lot to stop at. There, I sat in silence for a few hours, trying to process everything that had happened since the morning.

***

I had been sitting in the parking lot for a few tens of minutes. Most of that time, I spent sobbing. It felt like all of the responsibilities I had spent the past few weeks and months, and years of my life carrying toppled over and crushed me in the process.

The part that hurt the most was how much I tried to do my best. I tried to be the best mother to Manuel. I tried to be the best sister to Cesar. I tried to be the best partner to Mario. Yet, it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I still wasn’t enough.

In the midst of my emotional breakdown, a loud tap sounded throughout my car. I looked and gasped when I saw Mario standing outside my door with a worried expression. In all honesty, it never crossed my mind that someone would care enough to come and find me.

After I unlocked the doors, he sat in the passenger’s seat. He watched me intently as I wiped my tears away and tried to compose myself.

“Oscar and Abuelita told me what happened,” he whispered before slowly reaching out his hand and taking hold of mine. We had somewhat reconciled the last time we fought, but there was still tension between us. I was grateful he was taking the first step towards fixing it- goodness knows I was not in a position to be able to. “... Please talk to me.”

At first, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. I felt an array of shame and embarrassment. Mario noticed this and responded by gently placing his hands on the sides of my face. He knew I loved it when he did that. I eventually looked up at him, and he just smiled as he waited patiently for me to speak.

“I-I,” I bowed my head for a moment to try and muster the energy to finish my sentence. Mario placed his hand on mine and gently squeezed it reassuringly. “I thought he was gonna stay this time... He kept asking to meet Manuel, and he got a job, and I... I thought it would be different this time.”

Mario nodded but remained silent. Before we began dating, we were childhood friends. He was there all the times my dad left before. He knew how much this was hurting me.

“And I’m so scared,” I cried, trying not to choke on my words. “I’m so scared I’m gonna fuck up my kids’ lives the way he has mine and my brothers’... I don’t wanna break Manuel.”

“Hey,” Mario whispered, taking hold of the side of my face and looking up at me with concern-filled eyes. “You’re not gonna break, Manuel... He and I are so lucky to have you.”

I sniffled as I turned away. I didn’t believe him, and Mario could tell. He sighed. I thought then that he would give up on trying to console me and leave, but instead, he continued to look at me, even as I turned away.

“Is that why you call me all the time?” He asked. I didn’t turn back to him, but I could tell from his tone that he was not agitated anymore. He was genuinely concerned. “- ‘cause you feel scared when you’re alone with Manuel?”

I dropped my head and remained silent, which Mario accurately interpreted as a yes. After a moment of silence, he reached for my hand again. This time, I turned to face him.

“I’m so sorry... for everything I said to you,” he whispered, tears brimming in his eyes. It had been a while since I had seen him so vulnerable, which was strange considering how emotional Mario was. “Ever since I started my job, I’ve just been really stressed... I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. That will never happen again.”

“I shouldn’t have annoyed you so much,” I muttered. I couldn’t help but feel guilty that Mario was apologising to me when he was obviously under a lot of pressure. “You work so hard for us, I shouldn’t be making things worse-”

“Baby, you don’t,” he responded. I began to smile through my tears because he was using a term of endearment for the first time in a while rather than just simply calling me by my name. “You don’t... I’m sorry I made you feel like you do... How about, from now on, you text me when you have a question about Manuel, or when you start to feel overwhelmed, or even when you just want to talk. I can’t promise I’ll always be able to talk, but I’ll respond to you as soon as I can.”

“Okay,” I whispered, smiling at him as I nodded. I felt so relieved that he understood what I was going through. Mario leaned close to me and kissed my temple softly before looking me in the eye, his hands finding their way back to the sides of my face. He could tell something was still on my mind.

“You’re nothing like him, Y/n,” he murmured. “He leaves when things get tough... you’ve always stayed... I mean, you’ve taken care of Cesar since he was born... Now you’re taking care of Manuel... and of me.”

I chuckled beneath my breath. When Manuel was first born, Mario joked about how well I took care of them two. I would have had it any other way.

“There’s no one else I’d rather being doing this with,” he said before kissing me softly. I smiled against his lips, and my eyes remained close for a moment even after he pulled away. “Manuel and I are so lucky to have you, Y/n... I love you so much.”

“I’m lucky to have you,” I murmured as I brought my hand up to his jaw, drawing circles on the side of his cheek with my thumb. He smiled, leaning forward and pressing his nose against mine. “I love you.”

It was as if he came at the right time. Just when things began to topple over me, Mario was right there, ready to bear my burdens with me. For the first time in a long time, I felt a wave of peace and calmness wash over me. I knew I had a lot of work to do. I knew Cesar, and I were still on bad terms. But I also knew that so long as I had Mario with me, I would be okay. I would survive whatever other obstacles life threw my way, and it would all be worth it for my son.

He and Mario were more than enough for me.

#mario martinez imagine #mario martinez x reader #mario martinez imagines #on my block imagines #on my block #Oscar Diaz #cesar diaz #ray diaz #mario x reader #Mario Martinez #on my block masterlist #on my block fanfiction

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cosmicangel888 · 1 year

Text

Why Your Life Story is SOO Important 5D Expansion ~ Healing

I know

I am

My story and in all ways I have transitioned through much trauma and the energies of the many - I know that I am here to help so many women, children and vulnerable that had not the strength or perseverance to receive justice - be it in another timeline, or lifetimes of war, and unfair cruelty due to power and abuse of power and control agenda's -

My message is the same and since the beginning of all time, all masters, all life is sacred and none have any right to degrade and devalue and take advantage of and warp, and twist for ill-gotten gains; ancient times, modern times, the number of lives lost due to cruel and unusual ways and 0 justice for any of them; be it children being trafficked, or women being brainwashed to lesser, to enslavement and to the warped subjugation of having and being nothing but only to serve others in their discrimination and warped sense of self.

How mental illness, disorders, from the igniti0on in great part of the disconnect of the spirit, the body, mind, spirit, soul and warped sense of self; as such what dogma, normalization of violence, and such sensitive souls being impaled with such as normal - all is correlation and all have free will to choose for healing and changing, plus in addition, when moving through ascension, our wounded soul fragments, inner child wounding, and shadow come forth in our presence to acknowledge, accept, and allow for new light and embodiment of the light body -

This is self-actualization and I am here to help humanity heal; negative entities live through empty vessels, those that live in great disregard of who they are, negative self talk, self neglect, and debasing, for the feeding of life force, and why addictions are so prevalent with empty vessels that are taken over b y negative and dark attachments - ©

All entity attachments are done at the highest level of agreement so that you can navigate out of the story of giving your power and light and energy away - all is possible -

I will be here to help re-write and bring universal laws of the earthly plane for reconciliation - the new human and new ways - we are meant to evolve beyond limitation and degradation of life - I will do all I can and guided for the bringing of justice to all that have been lost in time and space - I am the healer and maker of new ways - and so too is our new earth - the love that is -

In one behaves in gross neglect of themselves and others by the selfish and greedy need for life force then the door is open for such entities to do so and be so - oftentimes paralyzing each of its hosts through darkness and negative mind games and self destruction - all have powerful choice to choose anew and self love is the way - choosing your own powerful story of being ness -

None have power over you - for that is how such entities work; we then create cult-like groups and provide power and titles to feed the lack of self and no sense of self - must be fed somehow and if not in balance of oneself - it will be fed to the entities aching to feed off the vulnerable and misguided -

Such inspires to each to go within and heal - heal thyself heal thy wounds and know our world is sacred and all life is sacred -

Sacred life and sacred knowing - all is the knowing of all life -

Life is good will and the sacred keeping to all beings. So many have lost such life, such life force and life joy when we surrender to the truth or stories of another - we are meant to fully live Within ourselves and all have the right and birthright to ascend, to explore, to express and experience ourselves in our own divinity -

All life is sacred - none have any right to make gross amounts of money off of anything not unto thyself - never use or abuse another and not to interfere with anyones free will - such is brainwashing, or such spell casting - all must be brought back into balance -

We are pure love

We are divine

We are precious and so too are we meant to enjoy life as such

This is our divine rebalancing and none to be harmed and nor interfered with a sacred unfolding -

And so it is

Love and balance and safety and health for all -

Joanna

More on Creational Realities; Paradigms Shifting of Consciousness ~ Perfection of the Divine Plan for all life;

For private sessions, webinars, classes or consulting ~

Email me at [email protected]

Human - omni- evolution, re-writing all aspects of our co-creative experiences through love, light, harmony of all that is sacred, always been sacred; World Ascension Healing Classes, Intuitive Sessions, Healing Sessions, Ascension Books, Healing Systems, 5D human-socio-altruistic re-write ~

DONATIONS - see our PayPal link here; paypal.me/JoannaLRoss PATREON new community link ~ for monthly subscribers;

#god

#source

#enlightenment

#selfactualization

#healinghumanity

#healingourchildren

#healingabuse

#newearth

#5Dearth

#healing

#Gaia

#healingouruniverse

#expansion

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jumbojamba47 · 4 years

Audio

I Love You

Pt. 2 of Guest Room

A/N: Thank you for loving my little ball of garbage enough to warrant a second part. I’m feeling warm and fuzzy. Also... I kinda.. sorta.. really got carried away with this. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Shout out to my irl friends who had to deal with my gleefully rubbing my grubby little paws together all day.

A/N PT. 2: TUMBLR QUIT BEING A BITCH AND JUST LET ME UPLOAD MY STORY IN PEACE PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU. The last try uploaded to my main and my stomach dropped out of my ass lmao. Fifth and hopefully final time. (I’m so sorry for the notifications spam for everyone I tagged)

PAIRINGS: Natasha Romanoff x Reader, Stucky

Warnings: 18+, Angst (like so much I’m sorry), Smut, Swearing, Mentions of Alcohol Consumption

Word Count: 5702

Hollow. It’s the only way she can describe the feeling of deep-seated emptiness that settles in her as she watches the quinjet disappear in the distance. What’s that noise? She casts her eyes around her surroundings when she suddenly feels a dampness on her collarbone. Reaching up a hand, she feels moisture on her face.

Oh.

The sounds were coming from her. At the realization of her sobs, pain wracked her frame with nowhere to go.

What was she thinking?

She wasn’t.

When she left Clint in a hurry, she hadn’t even paused to consider what she would say to you if she caught you. What did she feel for you? What could she have told you? Her life conditioned her to believe love was for children. She wasn’t one.

And yet…

She couldn’t deny that there was something about you that always drew her in to you. Every hidden interaction with you pulled onto all five of her senses demanding her full attention until there was only you in front of her; drawn straight into your orbit like a moon of Saturn. Each and every private encounter made it more difficult for the hardened assassin to pull herself away from you only to act unaffected by your presence in public.

Was that love?

It doesn’t matter.

You were sunlight. You were the warm embrace of home calling out to every damaged member of this family seeking acceptance for their past sins and a place to belong.

And she?

Well, she was damaged beyond repair.

She refused to be the one to tarnish your light. And she knew, if she gave in to her weaknesses, you could never really shine. You meant too much to the team. To her. A part of her could also admit to fear. Fear of what would happen if she hurt you.

If you hurt her.

She could live with never knowing what it felt like to call you hers. To hear you whisper her name in the early morning light your sweet features the first things she lays eyes on in your shared haven.

But she knew. She’d never recover if she could have you and lose you. If she were to tear her walls down, only for you to look inside and decide it wasn’t worth it.

That she wasn’t worth it.

With a steely resolve in her eyes, Natasha turned on her heels and began to make her way back towards the gym. She had a few weeks to get her head screwed on straight. She’ll lock away and bury anything she might have felt for you if given the chance. When you’re back, she’ll apologize for the hurt she’s caused you and maybe, just maybe, you’ll let her stay a part of your life.

If, along the way, she refuses to let her mind wander to thoughts of you with someone else, well, that’s her prerogative.

xxxx

You sit in heavy silence on the quinjet. Thoughts of last night’s interactions with the red-headed assassin plaguing your mind. You still feel a pang of pain when you remember her rejection. With a mental shake of your head, you resolve to table your emotions for now to focus on the mission at hand.

You’ve been tasked with leading a team to infiltrate an underground drug trafficking ring disguised as a bi-monthly art auction. Once you arrive at your destination, you’ll be allotted two months of integration and data retrieval before another team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents will be sent in to assist in the take down. You’re leading the team with Scarlet Witch and Falcon following your lead. Agent Hill was chosen to tag along strictly for backup and onsite supervision should the worst come to pass.

Sam and Maria sit up front; you can hear the sounds of quiet banter trickling back towards you while they try to respect your privacy, believing you to be mentally preparing yourself for the road up ahead. Wanda sits opposite you. Your emotions scream at her from across the jet, but she has the decency not to read your actual thoughts.

Still, she can’t help the concerned glances she sends your way.

Noticing her attention on you, you shift your body to turn towards her.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I could ask you the same. Where did you disappear to last night? I tried to find you after you were pulled away by Natasha, but I couldn’t find you.”

You let out a soft sigh.

“I’m sorry. My heads been a mess lately. I didn’t mean to leave you on the dance floor like that. It was a rough night.”

A hand rises to nervously play with the hair on the back of your neck. You look to the floor.

“I also owe you a bit of an apology for how carried away I got last night. You’re amazing Wan, and I don’t want to lead you on in any way.”

She lets out a light laugh.

“Don’t worry about it, draga mea. We were just two friends who had a little too much to drink, having a little fun. No hard feelings whatsoever.”

You wince and she instantly knows that was the wrong thing to say.

“You know, I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener. Pietro used to say it’s because I had big ears when we were children.”

She reaches out a hand across the aisle to let it rest on your knee. After an internal debate, you decide to divulge everything to her. From your first interactions with the assassin and your instant connection to the fallout from last night.

Listening patiently, Wanda’s eyes widen slightly when you mention what the events that occurred in the ex-soviet’s room.

By the end, Wanda is livid with righteous indignation on your behalf.

“Well, she’s a fool for letting you go.” She squeezes your leg.

“I can’t claim to understand what’s going through her head, but you have to know her feelings aren’t a reflection on your worth. You are the glue that holds this team together and we all love you. Natasha, she…” she pauses, “she’s been through much. More than any of us will ever know. Her experiences have closed her off. But you’re both strong. Maybe you’re not meant to be, but I know you can bounce back from this. We have a few weeks before we’re due back and, in that time, I guarantee you we can get your spirit back up and bouncing like usual.”

“Damn right, we can!” You hear Sam interrupt from the front of the plane.

You release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding and let out a light laugh.

Yeah, things weren’t okay.

But maybe they will be.

xxxx

The mission goes off without a hitch and it does wonders for your confidence. As soon as you landed at the safehouse, you and your team had set to work securing the perimeter and preparing for your upcoming roles in the undercover mission. Sam moved first, infiltrating the ranks of the dealers as he uncovered the hierarchy of the operation and fed maria intel to pass on to headquarters. You and Wanda were posed as a wealthy young couple from new money, tasked with getting close to the heads of the drug ring in order to gain access to the final auction where you ultimately took down the entire operation with the aid of several agents.

Despite the smooth execution, you all still found yourselves with extra downtime between stakeouts and it led to the four of you growing closer. One of your favorite pastimes became group binge-watches of The Fairly Odd Parents and Wanda had taken to calling you Cosmo, the husband of her cartoon namesake.

“ETA: 5 minutes,” called out Hill.

From your seat, you could see the compound looming over the horizon. You take in a nervous breath and release.

Next to you, Wanda can feel your apprehensive tension and takes a moment to give your hand a firm squeeze.

“You’re okay, Cosmo. Remember our talks. You have strength. You know your worth. You’ll be fine.”

You send her a grateful smile and a nod. Your fingers squeeze her back briefly before you move to stand by the doors of the ramp as you hear the jet begin to touch down.

She’s right. During your time away, you came to terms with the fact that it’s not Natasha’s fault that she doesn’t feel the same way as you do. You know you have no control over other people’s feelings, and you owed it to the both of you to face this head on, maturely.

As soon as the jet’s ramp meets the floor of the hangar, you’re met with a wall of pure muscle that really should come with a warning label. Your feet are lifted off the ground and suddenly you’re swinging in circles. You laugh as Bucky’s long hair tickles your nose.

Wait a second.

Is that?

“James Buchanan Barnes. Put me down this instant.”

He stiffens. That’s his name. That’s who he is. He is James Buchanan Barnes. Former sergeant and integral member of the Howling Commandos. The Winter Soldier. Melted down and reforged by Hydra. He was a legend. He was a nightmare. He was feared. He was… terrified.

Christ. Hearing his full name falling out of your mouth in that tone never failed to instill the fear of God into him. Not even his ma, bless her soul, could quite measure up to the intimidating aura you exuded when he knew you were ready to tan his hide.

You stood before him, hands on your hips, feet shoulder width apart, stance strong, eyebrow peaked… and deadly.

“Did you break into my room and steal my hair mask… again?”

The others stand back, watching in amusement while he starts to sweat.

“D-doll, of course not! You explicitly told m-me your room was off limits while you were go-”

You cut him off as you step closer.

“Don’t you lie to me, Barnes,” your eyes narrow and he gulps when you push your face closer to his.

“I can smell the macadamia oil, you heathen.”

Just as you’re about to launch into a lecture about respecting other people’s belongings, you’re interrupted by the sound of Steve’s voice.

“You gotta admit, at least it’s better than smelling the greasy mop he always ends up with after training.”

Your entire demeanor lightens up as you whip around to take a running leap at your favorite Man with a Plan.

“STEVIE!”

He catches you in his arms. “Good to have you back, sugar. We missed you around here.”

You hear a soft exhale of relief come from behind you.

Tilting your head back from where you’re perched in Steve’s arms, you narrow your eyes at Bucky and make a silent gesture to indicate you’re watching him. This is far from over.

He gulps.

“Well, c’mon then, we’re all dying to hear how the mission went. The others are waiting for you in the lounge.”

You stay wrapped around your friend’s dorito shaped torso but make the effort to wriggle your way around him so you’re clinging to his back like an infant koala. He rolls his eyes but does nothing to deter you, choosing to move his arms in support of your legs instead.

“Onward, my trusty steed!” you giggle.

As one, you all make your way towards the main common area, taking the time to drop off your luggage in your respective rooms as you go. Eventually, you make your way to the lounge and as you’re carried in, F.R.I.D.A.Y. blasts the loud trumpets of a herald through her speakers.

Huh, Tony must’ve upgraded her sense of humor.

Greeting the others, you use your hands in Steve’s hair like an oversized rat with a penchant for cooking to guide him towards your favorite lounge chair. Sam and Wanda move towards the kitchen to look for the good snacks they couldn’t have undercover while everyone else gathers around the remaining lounges.

From the corner of your eye, you can see Natasha hovering off to the side near Clint but you can’t quite get yourself to make eye contact yet. You wait for everyone to settle in. Wanda approaches you with two mugs of tea in her hands offering you one with a “just the way you like it, Cosmo”. It’s punctuated with a wink and she perches herself on the arm of your seat, bringing her own around to rest across the back. Her hand finds its way to your hair playing with a few strands to keep you grounded while you purposefully train your eyes away from a certain side of the room.

Wanda really did become your rock in the weeks away. While you never repeated anything from the night of your party, you fell into an easy companionship with the young mutant that led to you each being comfortable around the other. She knew how hard your return would be for you and made it her next mission to make sure you knew you had a solid support system in place.

Seeing the close interaction between the two of you, Bucky and Steve both shoot you cheeky grins and eyebrow wiggles that have you holding up a throw pillow just under Wanda’s current line of sight. She glances down, smirks and hurls the pillow at the two men using her powers, ensuring she adds a boomerang effect to ricochet off the face of one in order to hit the other stunning both of them.

“Nice!” You give her an enthusiastic high five as she wiggles her fingers at the recovering men.

“I just learned that one on the job. I have to keep practicing for muscle memory.” She states in a faux haughty tone while you snicker at the indignation on your Brooklyn Boys’ faces.

Across the room, Natasha watches you. She knew she missed you while you were away, but nothing could have prepared her for the onslaught of emotions that crashed into her when she finally laid eyes on you after weeks apart. You still had the same mischievous spark in your eyes. Your nose still crinkled just the slightest bit when you laughed. Your smile could still light up an entire room like the Fourth of July.

God, she missed you.

She watches your raucous banter with the resident super-soldiers with a fond smile teasing the corners of her lips. She takes note of the casual arm slung across your shoulders, the hand tangled in your hair, and something inside of her burns. Her jaw clenches.

She’s not yours to have.

Clint nudges her shoulder with a pointed look. She realizes she’s been emitting a soft growl. Focus Romanoff! Where is your training? She strains but ultimately fixes her posture until she’s the posterchild for casual aloofness. Her best friend snickers but chooses not to comment on the slight rigidity he can see in her shoulders.

Tony claps his hands to gain everyone’s attention.

“Alright alright, Hermione’s new parlor tricks aside, we all know why we’re really here.”

In his best imitation of Fury’s gruff voice, he growls out, “Hill. Debrief report. Judgement on (y/hero/n)’s execution?”

Rolling her eyes but playing along, “All objectives executed to perfection. Leadership skills exemplary, sir!” she tosses in a mock salute.

It’s quiet before everyone breaks into cheers and congratulate you and your team on a successful job well done. You’re beaming when you hear Sam chime in with, “You better watch out Cap. (Y/l/n) could give you a run for your money as team captain. We might be shipping you to a retirement home sooner than we thought.

Your best friend grins at you with pride and mirth shining in his eyes and you feel warm inside.

“I think we could come to a truce and work together. Co-captain sound good to you doll?”

“I don’t think so Steve. I’ll leave the captaincy to you. I don’t think I could handle dragging the metal chicken wing over there back in line every day,” you respond with a laugh, sticking your tongue out at Sam. You draw out a squawk of offense and everyone bursts into laughter.

You turn your head slightly and find yourself making direct eye contact with the very same pair of vivid green eyes that still visit you in your dreams. You swallow down the rising emotions and offer her a small smile. She looks startled at first but relaxes slightly and gives you one of her own in return.

Maybe you could do this.

You spend a few more minutes catching up with the rest of the team, learning about what everyone has been up to while you were away. Checking the time, you slowly pull away from Wanda, who still has her weight resting on you, and announce that you’re going to head to your room to wash off and settle in before you have to fill out your mission reports.

Everyone bids you goodnight and you exit the room, walking the familiar pathway towards your own residence. Your ears pick up quiet footsteps behind you causing you to turn your head slightly.

A small sharp inhale escapes your lips. Your eyes betray you with a quick scan of her nervous form standing in front of you. Her hair is a little longer and the circles under her eyes are just the slightest shade darker. She still looks just as breathtaking as the day you walked out of her room. Her presence instantly brings you peace and you curse yourself under your breath.

Mentally slapping yourself, you plaster on a casual smile.

“Hey Nat. Been a while.”

You cringe.

Really? Been a while? Really?

She steps towards you, “Hi (y/n/n),” she responds softly.

“Listen I-”

“Can we-”

You both let out a nervous chuckle.

“Sorry. Go ahead, you first,” she says.

“Listen, Nat. I owe you an apology.”

She stills. What could you possibly have to apologize for? You’re not the one who broke the heart of the love of your life just because you had commitment issues.

Stop that. She’s not your love of anything.

She opens her mouth to interrupt but you press on.

“It wasn’t fair of me to try to push you into something you clearly weren’t comfortable with. You made it clear that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. I never wanted to make you feel like I would demand anything of you. You’re more than entitled to your own feelings and it wasn’t okay for me to project what I felt onto you.”

Frozen in place, her mind could only focus on two words.

Loved? Felt?

And didn’t that sting?

She can feel her throat start to constrict but she goes along with it.

Maybe it’s for the best.

“It’s okay (y/n/n). I understand where you came from and I’m partially to blame for letting things go on for as long as they did without taking your feelings into consideration.

“Friends?”

A small, okay large, part of her brain screamed in agony that this was wrong.

Instead, she smiles and nods opening her arms.

You gingerly step into her embrace, one arm comes up holding her shoulder while the other gently cups the back of her head in a familiar hold.

Her arms come up to wrap themselves around your middle, squeezing slightly.

If either of you noticed the other inhale just a little deeper, neither of you chose to comment.

xxxx

Several weeks go by and you’ve settled back into a familiar routine. Wanda has officially been adopted into you and your boys’ infamous trio and the brunette witch could often be seen joining in on your foolish antics around the compound. At first, the three made a pact to ensure you would never be exposed to prolonged periods of alone time with the woman who damaged your tender heart. Often times, you’d catch yourself alone with the assassin only for one of the others to immediately swoop in to whisk you away and drag you into some activity before you could draw each other into a prolonged conversation

It took you a few days to catch on to what your friends were doing. While the sentiment was greatly appreciated, you couldn’t miss the slight look of hurt that crossed Natasha’s face whenever you were pulled away from her. Eventually, you had to put your foot down, taking them aside one day. You told them that you loved them and appreciated their concern. But you’re an adult and you can handle your affairs well enough on your own.

They backed off but still continued to keep a wary lookout. They couldn’t help it. You were their favorite.

Your interactions with the devastatingly gorgeous avenger were still a little stunted and you both miss the longing stares you direct towards each other on occasion. Still, you’re getting better.

It still hurts sometimes but you’re okay as long as you still have her in your life. In any capacity.

You think you’re getting better. It stills hurts but you’re okay as long as you still have her in your life.

xxxx

You’re in the gym talking to Sam one afternoon as he spots you in the weights section while Natasha and Clint are sparring on the mats.

“The team’s decided to make an appearance at a new nightclub Aluminum Alloy Man bought out on a dare tonight. You in, sugar?”

You laugh at the latest nickname he’s given Stark but shake your head no.

“Sorry Sam but I’ve got a date.”

You hear a particularly loud grunt come from Clint and turn your head slightly to see Natasha apologizing while he’s doubled over catching his breath.

“Oh? Anyone we know?” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

You roll your eyes.

“With myself, you dork. I’ve been dying to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail and I finally have the downtime to sit through it. There’s a bottle of wine and a couch calling my name and I intend to capitalize.”

He laughs but nods understandingly.

“That’s fair. You good here? I better head out to get ready.”

“Yeah, yeah, you go ahead. Have fun tonight!” You wave him off wiping the sweat off the back of your neck with a damp towel.

“(Y/L/N)!” You hear your name called out from across the gym.

“Care to spar? Clint’s tapping out. He’s a wuss.”

You start to hesitate but choose to nod instead, stepping into the ring, setting your towel on the rope to dry.

You begin to circle one another assessing each other’s weaknesses. She makes the first move lashing out with a swift kick to your ankle, aiming to leave you off balance. You dodge out of the way and retaliate with a series of jabs towards her torso. This goes on for several minutes each of you landing several hits when Natasha launches herself off your bent knee, intending to use her signature thigh grip of death to bring you down.

Not today, Satan.

You bring your arms up, wedging them between your neck and her legs before she can get a grip. You latch onto her legs tightly before you swing her around your body, tackling her to the floor. You move your hand to cradle the back of her head to ensure it doesn’t smack into the ground, bringing yourself much closer to her body in the process.

You’re both panting heavily, stuck, mesmerized by the intense look in each other’s eyes. You have one leg between her thighs, knee pressed to her core, puffs of air intermingling between you.

Is she? Leaning towards you?

Oh, you definitely felt that wiggle of her hips against your knee.

You wet towel drops to the floor with a wet smack and just like that, the spell is broken.

You both scramble apart and you move to pick up the offending object.

Behind you, Natasha clears her throat sheepishly.

“So, I couldn’t help but overhear your big plans for tonight while you were talking to Wilson. Is there room for one more? I was actually planning to do the same, but I hear Monty Python is much funnier with good company.”

Everything inside of you screams that this is a terrible idea. But here’s the thing, you thrived off of terrible ideas.

“Sure, why not? We can start when everyone else heads out?”

Sure you would have declined, she brightens considerably and throws you a grin.

She starts walking backwards towards the door.

“Great! It’s a date! I mean- not a date-”

She smacks herself right into the door.

You let out a small laugh.

“I know what you meant.”

“Right. Yes. I’ll see you tonight!” She scurries out the door.

You stay standing there in the ring watching the space she just occupied.

On the other side of the door, Natasha leans heavily against the metal.

What have I gotten myself into?

xxxx

You bid goodbye to your friends and make sure to tell them to call you should they need anything. Once everyone is out the door, you turn around, inhale deeply, and set to work.

Despite everything, and your unfailing determination to not fall down the same rabbit hole, you can’t help but want to take care of Natasha in any capacity you can.

So, you take extra care to grab her favorite snacks, her go-to brand of wine, a couple glasses, and an oversized hoodie you always kept in the back of the closet, on hand just for her. She had a tendency to relax in thinner loungewear, but you knew once she settled in, she stubbornly refused to get up for anything no matter how cold she got.

As you set everything down on the coffee table in front of the oversized, plush couch in the center of the movie room, the beauty in question makes her way towards you in, surprise surprise, a thin tank top and shorts.

You roll your eyes but toss her your sweatshirt and she grins at you before hastily throwing it on, snuggling into the warmth. You both settle onto opposite sides of the couch, the wine and snacks split between you. The movie plays and you find yourselves relaxing. Like magnets, you eventually gravitate towards each other, sharing jokes and snacks, yelling at the large screen in front of you as the Black Knight stubbornly refuses to die.

Without realizing each other’s movements, she winds up leaning against you while your arm is wrapped around alternating between playing with her hair and rubbing soothing patterns across her shoulder and biceps.

You feel a shudder come from the deadly ball of fluff in your arms and only then do you realize your positions. You can’t bring yourself to move.

“Cold?”

“Yeah,” she nods. Attempting to burrow herself further into your clothes.

You pull her closer to you until her legs are resting over yours, head tucked under your chin, puffs of air tickling your sensitive neck.

Bad move (y/l/n).

You forget how to breathe. Natasha turns to look at you when she feels you still beneath her.

Oh. Oh god.

She didn’t realize how close she was to you and from this distance, she can see every detail of your ethereal beauty in the dim light of the movie lighting.

You turn your head to take a quick peak at her but suddenly you’re drowning in a sea of green. Your breath hitches when green is replaced by red and suddenly plump lips are crushing your own.

You moan and your hands scramble for purchase as the angel in your lap twists to straddle you. Fists tighten in your hair while she nips at your lower lip, close to drawing blood. She tugs at your shirt and you get the message. You desperately rip away your top while she follows suit before she pushes you onto your back spreading out on top of you.

A loud groan escapes your lips as the vixen in your arms finds the sensitive space right below your ear. Unwilling to be out done, you wrap your legs around her hips and gracefully flip yourselves over, trailing kisses down the crevice of her breasts, mapping your way down her body. Like Copernicus charting the stars. Reaching your destination, you pull apart the draw strings of her shorts with nothing but your teeth, earning a moan of approval from the writhing redhead. You smoothly slide back up her body, meeting her desperate lips in a searing kiss while your hand finds her center, already feeling the slick wetness ready for you. Natasha’s limbs fly to wrap around you as you set a steady pace pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Knowing she needs the extra push, your other hand moves to pull aside her bra before you deliver a harsh nip and a firm curl of your fingers.

She sees stars.

No.

She sees galaxies.

You continue to move, determined to prolong her pleasure for as long as possible.

You’re rewarded with the crack of her voice as she hurdles into the abyss.

“God, I fucking love you.”

It slips out of your mouth completely unbidden.

But it’s too late.

The damage can’t be undone.

Just like that, she snaps back to reality.

She hastily sits up. Your hand falls back into your lap as she quickly stands picking up her shirt.

“We can’t do this.”

“Natasha, I-”

“No.”

“Natasha, would you jus-”

“I said no!”

You feel like you’ve been here before.

She turns to make a hasty retreat, but you catch her hand in a tight grip before she can get too far.

“Why do you keep running from me? Am I so repulsive that the thought of being with me has you running for the hills?”

“Not everything is about you, (y/l/n),” she bites out.

Neither of you hear the team returning but all of them can hear the yelling coming from your direction and they run towards you.

“No. You always do this! Every time I think we’ve gotten to a good place; you freeze me out.”

“That’s the thing! We were in a good place! We were having fun. We had each other when we needed it and nothing more! We were so good like that. We can still be like that!”

Tears fill your eyes.

“It’s not enough.”

“Why can’t this be enough?!” she cries.

“This has to be enough,” she whispers looking at anything but you.

A hand moves to grip hers gently. The other rises to cup her chin to guide her eyes to yours.

“This could be so much more. Let me love you the way you deserve.”

Staring into your eyes, she can see you dying a little more inside the longer she stays silent.

She pulls away from you.

Okay.

You thought you could be fine with just floating in her orbit. Maybe you underestimated how long it would take for you to heal enough to allow it. Or maybe you couldn’t do this at all.

Your head tilts towards the floor. Your lips break into the softest, most heart-breaking smile she’s ever seen.

“I’m always going to love you Natasha Romanoff. But I owe it to the both of us to know this won’t be enough for me. This can’t be enough for me.”

A whimper is caught in her throat but she can’t bring herself to move when you step back away from her.

“I love you. I don’t want to,” you breathe out.

Natasha swears she hears something inside her shatter.

“I’m sorry I don’t give you the strength you need to pursue your own happiness. I really hope you find someone who does. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

You make me happy.

Just say it!

Her body screams in protest with every fiber of her being.

“Bye Tasha.”

You turn and only then do you realize that the two of you aren’t alone.

Wanda steps forward. She wraps her arms around your shoulders as she leads you away throwing a glare at the assassin.

Natasha takes a step in your direction.

“(Y/n) wait-”

She stopped by a metal arm blocking her way.

“Haven’t you done enough?” Bucky growls.

“And what do you know about what I’ve done?” She shoves him away.

“I know you hurt them! AGAIN!” he snarls, “You need to get your shit together before I’ll even THINK about letting you come anywhere NEAR (y/n) again, Romanoff.”

Her blood boils. She scoffs, “Big surprise, their guard dog immediately snaps to attention at the first sign of trouble. Tell me Barnes, does your master feed you well?”

She regrets her outburst immediately, but she’s too angry, too frustrated, too exhauseted to take it back.

“Don’t forget who trained you, Natalia,” comes out in a menacing hiss.

Frantically, Clint’s eyes snap from her to the ex-soldier advancing on her. He immediately steps between the two, placing a hand on her arm and turning towards the larger assassin.

“Whoa now, you know she didn’t mean that. Emotions are just running high right now. Let’s all take a step back. I could use a hand, Cap.”

Despite his own roiling emotions, he needs to maintain his professionalism as team captain, releasing a heavy puff of air, he moves to place a firm hand on Bucky’s shoulder, pulling him to his side.

“Clint’s right. We can’t do anything to fix this right now. Everyone, disperse. We’ll regroup in the morning.” He sends a piercing glare at the redhead.

Hearing another growl, Clint whips his head back around, “As entertaining as it would be to make a compound wide betting pool with Tony on a wwe rumble between you and two tag-teaming super soldiers, maybe we should take a second to cool off outside, yeah” he hisses at her.

Gritting her teeth, she nods, allowing Clint to pull her down the hall and out the door.

As she catches a glimpse of the hall leading to your room, all she can think is one thing.

She let you slip through her fingers… again.

Tagging some incredible people who expressed an interest in pt. 2:

guys im so fucking sorry this keeps showing up in your mentions.

@natasha-danvers , @thelastavenger-3000 , @ohfuckno , @imnotasuperhero

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff #black widow x reader #black widow imagine #black widow #guest room pt.2

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safelumincom · 2 years

Text

How to Close More Sales

Salespeople keep the lights on but not all are the same. From our experience, Hunters will devour any leads presented to them, where farmers are more lax when it comes to lead followup.

Hiring great sales representatives can make a huge impact on your business. The big question for your organization is; “What kind of sales representative do you want to hire, a hunter or a farmer?”

Hunter vs. Farmer

Think about the origin of these labels.

Hunters are fearless warriors willing to leave the safety of their home base and travel far and wide for a successful kill.

A farmer prefers to stay close to home and tend a particular piece of land. The farmer's success is far more predictable with much less risk.

Traditionally, hunters were the celebrated characters in their communities and reaped more rewards than their farmer counterparts.

So, who should you hire?

Hire a hunter, not a farmer and here’s why:

Hunter Attributes and Work Habits

Hunters are hard-charging, and when they are good at what they do, they grow your business. Note: Hunters can be hard to manage and don’t like being fenced in.

They thrive on the sales process where they find excitement and satisfaction in the deal process itself.

The hunter is continuously juggling several opportunities at once, and most are reluctant to turn down a new opportunity.

This sales type is typically up early and works late, and travel comes with the territory.

However, once the hunter shepherds a deal to a close, there is minimal excitement in rolling out the new client for the hunter. Hand holding and oversight is not for the hunter.

Farmer Attributes and Work Habits

Farmers thrive in a process-oriented environment and consequently manage named accounts, which they have exclusive control over.

The farmer possesses a more limited set of selling skills, as they only sell to people they know at their named account. Unfortunately, some farmers can become overpaid order takers.

This salesperson type is more averse to uncertainty and is willing to accept a smaller but more reliable commission.

Farmers prefer planned events and meetings and schedule their time efficiently.

The farmer enjoys getting to know their prospects personally and strives to become likable and tend to work in a collegial manner with the account owner. (Caution: When the relationship becomes too close, there can be problems.)

So why not employ both sales types?

Many companies employ both sales types, and often hunters and farmers work the same territory. Good hunters should receive assistance with lead development, from trade shows, inside sales, or the outsourced lead gen service you employ. Many times, farmers are also fed new greenfield leads as sales management wants to leverage their free time outside of named accounts. That is a mistake!

The farmer is not money motivated, and they already have a comfortable base and commission built into their compensation package from existing repeat business. They will work on new leads but to a point. Farmers do now want to stray off the reservation for too long, and their named accounts are their priority. Consequently, farmers are not prepared to do the hard work with second and third meetings, deep-dive product reviews, numerous phone calls, and emails, as a followup to the busy prospect. Farmers are just not built for it.

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0 notes

thenamesseven · 4 years

Text

Word count: 3.6k

Warnings: Domestic violence, fights and a lot of swearing.

A/N: Hey! I’m back with another chapter! Just wanted to say how much I appreciate how much you’re all supporting this story, thank you so so much, I really appreciate it! Anyways, I’ll let you read now, hope this chapter is as good as the other ones!

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The strong urge you felt to meet Jongho again was getting out of control and that was exactly what you didn't need. Another chance to see each other hadn't been presented yet and you were starting to become impatient, you've done enough waiting all this years. However, you knew that after the little moment the two of you shared back in the basketball court the other day, Wooyoung was alerted and would question every single move you did that involved Jongho. He surely hadn't believed you completely when you acted as if you weren't working in this prison because of him and after seeing the way you stuttered and stopped caring about your patient when he came into your view, Wooyoung had reasons to believe you were up to no good.

He hadn't said anything about it yet but you knew that if you weren't careful enough, Wooyoung would be there to highlight whichever mistake you make.

Although you needed to talk with Jongho, even if it was for a few seconds.

He needed to know why you were here, you wanted to reassure him, to let him know that all the years he lost behind bars would be given back soon, but you couldn't come up with a way to make the two of you meet.

Based on what you've heard from Mingi, Jongho was somebody that avoided fights in here, sure he had gotten into a few but if he could avoid trouble, he would. That meant the possibilities of him visiting the infirmary were very slim unless he decided to hurt himself on purpose somehow. On the other hand, since you had grown closer to Mingi after working with him for a few days, you thought of the possibility of telling him about everything so he could help the two of you out, but you were too scared to share this kind of information

If you trusted the wrong person then it was game over for Jongho and you, hence why you still wanted to wait to talk with your best friend about looking for alliances.

Unconsciously, your eyes drifted to the framed picture you had brought from home to place it on your desk when you were redecorating the infirmary and a soft sigh left your lips. The picture showed two people’s hands, their fingers forming a heart. An involuntary smile came up your lips when your eyes quickly recognised Jongho’s fingers, you remembered that day perfectly, almost as if it had happened yesterday.

Flashback.

“That’s gay, I’m not letting you save that picture” Jongho whined when you showed him the picture you had snapped sneakily while the two of you had been doing random shapes with your fingers, you knew him well enough to know that he didn’t dislike it that much if he hadn’t tried to steal your phone from your hands to try and delet it himself “(Y/N)”

“I won’t show it to anybody, I promise” You assured him, chuckling quietly while you saved the picture “I have worse pictures of you, what’s so bad about this one, huh?” Nudging his side gently, you turned your head to look down at Jongho, who had made himself comfortable on your bed. He didn’t even ask for permission to lay on it anymore, your things had become his at some point and he considered his things yours.

“Well, people can’t know I go around making hearts with our fingers” He said frowning, suddenly laughing when he realized how stupid that sounded out loud “I’m supposed to be this cool and chill guy, people are going to think I’m whipped for you”

“Hey!” You slapped his chest making him laugh even more, you knew his words didn’t mean anything more than to tease you and that’s why, despite you trying to stay serious you always ended up laughing with him “Wouldn’t be the first time they think we’re a couple” You mumbled laying down besides him, letting out a big sigh “You’re the reason why nobody dares to ask me out, look at what happened to poor Soonyoung” Your lips scrunched up in a small pout as you kept scrolling through your Instagram, liking random pictures.

“Good” Jongho said laying on his side, placing one of his arms across your stomach, facing you so he could also sneak glances at your feed “The less idiots you date, the less I’ll have to share you”

End of the flashback.

That afternoon the two of you laid on your bed like that, being lazy and playful, without a care in the world. Who would have told you that same night would be the one that broke the two of you apart? You had been certain that you would spend the rest of your days besides Jongho, that if you didn’t end up dating, the two of you would be those kind of friends that always stayed besides each other no matter what.

But like always, your father had to put an end to the only person you adored the most in your life. He detested seeing you happy, he wanted Jongho out of your life.

Flashback

Jongho had gone out to buy some food from that pizza place the two of you had recently discovered, you had insisted on just calling at the place so they would deliver it at your house but he, stubborn as ever, insisted on going there would be much faster. He was kind of right and the place wasn’t that far, so you didn’t waste too much strength in trying to convince him to stay in bed with you.

Zapping through the different channels you had in your television, you snuggled against the pillows you had laying around on your couch when you heard the main door being unlocked. You frowned, turning your head, waiting to see Jongho there complaining because he had forgotten his wallet, when unfortunately, Jongho wasn’t the one that greeted you.

It was your father and by the look on his face he was in one of his moods again.

“Dad?” You called out quietly, not knowing if you should either run upstairs and try to put some space between you and him or wait on the couch to see in what way he would react. Love and hope were dangerous feelings, despite his behaviour, your dad was the only family you had left and you loved him without limits which made you have hope in him, in his words when he said he would change even when he didn’t even try anymore.

Love and hope were the ones that froze you on the couch that night thinking he wouldn’t do anything.

“What are you doing there?” He asked while he took off his jacket, throwing it onto the table as he made his way into the living room. His eyes instantly landed on Jongho’s backpack and a scoff abandoned his lips “Whoring around again? Should have expected it”

“We were just watching a movie” You replied sitting straighter, eyes on him and body getting tense when you realized this conversation was taking the same route as usual, you knew how this would end.

Or at least that’s what you thought.

“I don’t remember giving you permission to talk back to me” He instantly said, glaring down at you “Do you think I’m stupid!?” The sudden rise of his voice made you flinch, something that always got on his nerves for some reason. The man you called your father reached down to grab some of your hair, yanking it back so you would be looking into his eyes “I asked you a fucking question!”

You opened your mouth to reply but closed it again when you saw the look in his eyes. His pupils were dilated, thanks to whatever he had sniffed earlier and his breath was tainted with the scent of the cheap whisky he managed to buy with the little money he earned in his job. This had happened too many times for you to already know that no matter what you replied or what you did, it would be wrong and he would take it as an insult.

When your father realized you wouldn’t be answering his question any time soon, he used some of his strength to stand you up by your hair, taking advantage of his height to tower over you. “Why don’t you just admit it (Y/N)? Daddy’s not home so you need a man over” His words hurt you, even when you had heard them multiple times, they still had the same effect on you “Or is the other guy the one your fucking? Who is it?”

You still don’t know what happened to you at that moment, what came over you or crossed your mind, but something deep inside of you clicked, maybe you had simply reached your breaking point, you truly were tired of standing these situations through a couple of years. Instead of scared, you felt fed up, sad but frustrated and incredibly angry at him, even when he was your father, he didn’t have the right to talk about you or your friends like that, he didn’t need to get Jongho or Wooyoung involved, he didn’t get to criticize them when they were the ones taking care of you because he wasn’t around most of the time.

“It’s none of your business honestly” You replied, your father was so caught off guard that you had talked back to him in that moment that he didn’t even know what to do with himself. “Maybe I’m fucking both of them, would that make you proud?”

Your “indiscipline”, as he often called it, was what made him react and before you could break yourself free from his grip, he swung his free fist at you and punched your cheek. The impact made you stumble back, falling down onto your butt. One of your hands instantly flew to where he had hit you, touching the hot skin and feeling how it was quickly swelling up.

You remembered the cold silence that stayed between the two of you, the feeling of your father’s eyes on you as you stayed frozen in your place. “That’s what whores get” He spit out, approaching you again “If you knew how to fucking close your mouth and legs we wouldn’t be in this situation now, would we?” He reached down and yanked your hair back once again, your eyes meeting his.

“If you didn’t drink and sniffed whatever shit you’re doing at the moment, we wouldn’t be in this situation” You said with your eyes drowning in tears, lower lip shaking as waves of pain kept your entire body tense. You doubted your jaw was broken but he had sure landed a good swing on it “This is not my fault, this is all on you”

Those words earned you another punch that matched the kick he gave you when he let go of you. You remembered how you broke down on the floor, screaming for him to stop and go away as he screamed back all kinds of insults and threats. You remember screaming for help, screaming as loud as you could to get your neighbor’s attention so they would call the cops on him.

But they never did, they all ignored you and your pleads.

At that moment you didn’t even know Jongho was supposed to come back until he ran into the house after kicking the main door open. You still remember how your father froze mid kick to look at him and you couldn’t even move at that point, curled up on the floor with your arms covering your head as you shook uncontrollably in pain and sobs, unable to control your body due to the overwhelming amount of pain and shock that were flowing through your veins.

“Motherfucker” Jongho, with a look you’ve never seen in his eyes before, walked towards the two of you and grabbed your father by his shirt, pushing him back until he was able to press him against the living room’s wall “You like hitting her, huh? You think it's fun?” Jongho threw the first punch after those words and you swore you heard the bones of your father’s nose cracking “Well you don’t get to hurt her, you don’t mess around with my people” The groan of pain that left your dad’s lips didn’t go unnoticed by you “I’ll break your fucking fingers if I have to”

That was exactly when the real fight started.

Without any mercy, Jongho started delivering punches to your father as you attempted to stand from the floor. Your vision was blurry with tears and every muscle in your body hurt “Jongho” You called out to him, stumbling when you tried to step closer to the two fighting bodies your father and best friend had become.

“(Y/N) get out of here!” He shouted right when your father pushed him back, Jongho and you stumbled together and fell down onto the coffee table, breaking it in pieces “Call the police”

“No!” Your father roared, reaching down to grab you by your shirt. He pushed you away from your friend, tossing you nearby the living room’s door before he walked closer to you, rage burning in his eyes.

“I think the fuck not, you asshole” Jongho stood up again, your eyes on him as he grabbed your father from behind and pushed him away, making him fall onto the already destroyed coffee table. Your heart skipped a bit when the movement caused his shirt to rise and you saw what it seemed to be a gun, why would he have something like that with him?

“Jongho, I-”

“I know, I know it hurts baby” He said gently, softly brushing some of your hair away from your beaten up face as he crouched beside you. His body was tense and you could notice how his focus wasn’t entirely on you, paying attention to your groaning father who was getting ready to stand up again “(Y/N) listen to me” He gently turned your head towards him so you would be looking into each other’s eyes “Get out of here, call the cops, the neighbors, anybody” He instructed slowly, letting your tired brain process it “We need help” You remember seeing your father stand up again as Jongho swore under his breath, rolling the sleeves of his shirt back, getting ready to stop him if he tried to get closer to you “Now (Y/N)! Run out be-”

End of the flashback.

“(Y/N)?”

Mingi’s concerned voice brought you back from your memories, making you flinch involuntarily. He was quick to move his hand away, thinking he was the cause of your reaction but when he noticed the lost look in your eyes, he knew you hadn’t been scared by him but by whatever memory the picture you were holding triggered.

“Sorry, I was daydreaming” You quickly apologized, cheeks turning slightly pink from the reaction you’ve just had towards him as you cleared your throat “No duties today?” Looking up at him, you couldn’t help but smile seeing Mingi sitting down in the nearest chair.

These days, whenever the infirmary was calm, the two of you would just sit down and chat about random stuff. Sometimes Mingi would tell you stories about him, others were about Jongho and the rest of the gang and sometimes he would tell you creepy stories about the people who died in the cells. It was friendly and entertaining conversation, just to kill some time.

“Nothing at all” Mingi said with a small smile, leaning back against the comfortable seat “I see you’re as bored as me, no work today?” He asked looking around the infirmary, you kept the room as clean as you could and the remodeling you had done when you started working definitely helped to make it look better

“No, so far nobody has been injured” You replied with a small shrug “How is Mingyu’s leg? Is he recovering well?” Apparently Mingyu, the guy that broke his leg playing basketball, had needed surgery and was now recovering back in his cell. You were supposed to take care of his wounds but nobody had brought him over yet “It will take some time before he starts walking again”

“Jongho was pretty excited when he saw you”

Mingi had been dying to bring the subject up, he knew his friend well enough to know that if that day he hadn’t been held back, Jongho would have ran to you and embraced you in front of the other inmates and guards. He didn’t know if they were rules against it but Mingi guessed that would have got you in trouble for sure.

“Was he?” You asked with a quiet chuckle, it was obvious Mingi had been dying to share this piece of information with you and his excitement was starting to steal giggles from your lips “I was happy to see him too, he looks like he’s holding up well”

“He’s a strong guy, Jongho knows how to survive in here” Mingi brushed it off, crossing his legs as he got more comfortable “He avoids unnecessary trouble from other inmates and officers”

“I’m glad to hear that, I’ve been so worried all these years for him” You muttered under your breath, no realizing what your words could mean until you saw the smirk on Mingi’s lips “No” You quickly said with a quiet chuckle, your behavior only made him smirk more, Mingi started laughing noticing your sudden rejection to his thoughts.

“I didn’t say anything” Mingi stated raising his hands up in surrender

“I know what you’re thinking” You said pointing a finger at him, making him laugh “And we never dated”

“Well the two of you have pictures of each other near-”

“(Y/N) never dated anybody, she broke all our hearts”

Wooyoung’s sudden appearance startled the both of you. Mingi quickly uncrossed his legs and sat up straighter on his chair, trying to act as if he hadn’t been chilling with you this entire time but you only looked at Wooyoung with a small frown on your face. Had he been there all this entire time listening to your conversation?

“I never dated anybody because Jongho scared everyone away” You replied looking at him, Wooyoung shrugged sitting down in the chair next to Mingi’s. You noticed how he slightly tensed up but you assumed it was because he was an officer.

“You two know each other?” He asked quietly motioning with his finger between Wooyoung and you, with a smile, you nodded at his question.

“He was in Jongho’s and my class, we are friends” Mingi suddenly frowned looking at Wooyoung, he seemed confused, almost frustrated while the other male completely ignored him. You knew there was something bothering the inmate but you figured he wouldn’t talk about it with Wooyoung around.

“Anyways, who were you talking about? You never dated who?” Wooyoung asked curiously, eyes going from Mingi to you.

“Soonyoung, he was a funny guy but I didn’t like him in that way” You brushed off, lying straight to his face. So much curiosity coming from him was starting to make you suspicious and you decided that leaving Wooyoung out of your plans and conversations with Mingi would be a good idea.

“Ah, poor guy” Wooyoung said with a small smile, the memories of your teenage tears coming back to him “I still remember when Jongho and I hid his backpack in a random locker and he spent the entire morning looking for it” Mingi forced a smile up to his lips when Wooyoung looked at him, there was tension between them, you were definitely missing something.

“Anyways, what are you doing here? Need anything?” You suddenly asked, looking at him with a soft smile.

“Yeah, do you have any pills for headaches? I barely got any sleep last night and it’s killing me” Wooyoung asked with a soft sigh, his eyes following you as you stood up to get him something.

“Told you a few years ago, the amount of caffeine you drink in a day will end you” You scolded with a quiet chuckle, seeing him roll his eyes playfully.

“I drank coffee because you were the one keeping me awake at night” He openly flirted, chuckling when you gently slapped his arm.

“Get out of here before I kick you out” You warned and Wooyoung nodded obediently, standing up as he took the painkiller from your hand.

On his way to the door, he patted Mingi’s back in what seemed to be a friendly way but you could see in his eyes that he was incredibly tense around him “See you at lunch Mingi, behave man” He muttered before going out of your office leaving the two of you alone.

When Wooyoung left, the atmosphere in the room was still tense, an awkward silence had settled down between Mingi and you, completely forgetting about the happy conversation you were having before he came in.

Sitting back down, you decided to break the silence since Mingi didn’t seem to have any intentions to do it “What was that about?” You asked, seeing him visibly relax once Wooyoung seemed to be out of both of your sights.

“I would have never guessed you used to be friends” Mingi said with a worried look on his face

“Why?” You said with a chuckle “Because he is an officer now?”

“No” Mingi replied, shaking his head for emphasis “Because Wooyoung is always the one that gives Jongho the hardest times in here”

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