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axelxmartinez · 4 years

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(Hi I love to plot, hit me up and let’s chat!)

Introduction @redridgeimp

FULL NAME: Axel Jose Diego Martinez

NICKNAMES(S): Axe, Ax, Diablo

AGE: 33

DATE OF BIRTH: October 30th, 1986

PLACE OF BIRTH: Red Ridge, Nevada

CURRENT LOCATION: Red Ridge, Nevada.

ETHNICITY: Latino. Mexican primarily and his mother was partially Caucasian (European descent), as well as Mexican and Dominican.

GENDER: Cis male.

PRONOUNS: He/him/his.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: quoiromantic

RELIGION: Atheist.

OCCUPATION: Owner of Roberto's and Bone breaker for Valencia.

EDUCATION LEVEL: he dropped out of high school in the beginning of 11th grade.

EXTRACURRICULAR: Boxing, lifting weights, playing video games, occasionally reading

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Owns his parents house, a medium sized single family home with 4 bedrooms, an unfinished basement, nothing to brag about on the south side of redridge

SPEAKING VOICE AND ACCENT: Deep, smooth voice with a hint of a Spanish accent, especially when he's angry. Normally keeps a steady tone, unless he’s really upset about something.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, ETC.

FACECLAIM: Manny Montana

HAIR COLOR AND STYLE: black, shaved short

COMPLEXION: Brown on the lighter side with neutral undertones

EYE COLOR: Brown.

EYESIGHT: 20/30 the last time he checked, he probably could use corrective lenses for driving or reading something but he doesn’t bother with it.

HEIGHT: 6’1” or 185cm

WEIGHT: 169lbs or 77kg

BODY AND BUILD: Muscular, lean, well-defined muscles.

TATTOOS: tons, he gets them at random and the only theme to them is that they are black and white. The obvious ones most people see are the skull on his throat and the ones on his fingers and hands. (See his pinterest linked at the bottom for more ideas in this area)

PIERCINGS: none, he fights too much to have piercings.

CLOTHING STYLE: jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, flannels, button down shirts, primarily black for everything.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: tattoos all over his body, small linear scar on his eyebrow where no hair grows, various scars all over his body - some covered with tattoos and some not. Also wears necklaces and rings, has a few random bracelets made by his nieces and nephews.

HEALTH.

MENTAL DISORDER(S): ADD is all he’s been diagnosed with, though he likely has an anxiety disorder as well.

PHYSICAL DISORDER(S): none

ALLERGIES: the pollen gets to him in the spring but he just ignores it

SLEEPING HABITS: insomniac, he sleeps in small shifts between work and whatever he’s doing during the day.

EATING HABITS: Axel has a high metabolism so he eats a lot and often, he tends to pick things up while he’s moving around town and keeps protein bars and snacks in his car for in between meals

SOCIABILITY: extroverted introvert, he tends to be around people but doesn’t go out of his way to strike up conversation unless he feels it necessary, knows the person already, or is spoken to first.

BODY TEMPERATURE: neutral.

ADDICTIONS: Nicotine, Caffeine, some would argue he drinks a little too much but he doesn’t think so.

DRUG USE: Depends on the drug. He smokes marijuana frequently, but anything else is occasionally and he refuses to touch needles or anything made purely from chemicals (i.e. Meth).

ALCOHOL USE: Frequently, usually has a drink or two everyday. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He prefers brandy and tequila but also enjoys beer and will always accept a free drink regardless of what it is.

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Hardworking, Efficient, Honest, Strong, Confident, Curious

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Callous, Insensitive, Secretive, Possessive, Withdrawn, Stubborn

LIKES: Fighting, good food, drinking, video games, smoking, sex, most things physical, some reading, fire

DISLIKES: Schools, authority (mainly police), drama, airplanes, inactivity

FEARS: His only fear that he could ever pinpoint was his father.

HABITS: Plays with his fingers, touches his face, staring without talking, smoking, rain

ASTROLOGY: Scorpio Sun, Sagittarius Rising, Libra Moon

PERSONALITY TYPE: INTJ

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral

HOGWARTS HOUSE: Slytherin.

ELEMENT: Fire

WEATHER: Overcast or Sunny

COLOR: Black

MUSIC: Rock, Metal, 90’s hip hop

MOVIE: Documentaries or Action movies

SPORT: Baseball and Soccer

BEVERAGE: Brandy or Tequila

FOOD: Waffles

ANIMAL: Snake

SEASON: Summer

FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS, ETC.

MOTHER: Antonia Martinez (Rodriguez)

FATHER: Roberto Martinez, deceased

SIGNIFICANT OTHER: none

SIBLING(S): 5 younger siblings, names and ages vague for future wc

CHILDREN: TBD

PET(S): Ball Python named Slinky

PROMPT.

“ROUTINE”: violence tw, death tw

Ever since he was a teenager, Axel has worked at Roberto’s. At his father’s insistence to teach him some responsibility, as the owner, it was common for him to hire his children and other relatives because he didn’t trust anyone. When Roberto, his father, went to prison and was simultaneously killed while there, his business was given to his eldest son. Axel wasn’t very torn up about losing his father, it made his life significantly easier and allowed him to take over the role as head of the Martinez family. Something he’d been well prepared for and while he wasn’t the nicest guy, he wasn’t the psychopath Roberto was. At least, he didn’t think he was.

With his father gone, his days started with the sun (if he even got to bed the night before). He opened the convenient store, put the money in the till for the starting shift and made sure everything was turned on and stocked from the night before. Once the first shift comes in, he usually heads to the back to double check that everything is locked up and set up for the next shift. After that is usually when he gets word of anything Valencia needs him to do that day. Even though he’s not a soldier anymore, he likes to keep busy so he picks up slack where he can. If not, he starts checking in on his younger siblings and making sure they are doing what they’re supposed to be doing and staying out of trouble. If he doesn’t have anything pressing to get done, he heads to the gym to do his usual workout and possibly some sparring to keep his endurance at peak along with his fighting technique. Afterwards, he hits up Ridge Roasters if he’s going to the North side of town and gets his coffee with a random pastry to go. Otherwise, he heads to Blue Hill Diner for a proper breakfast and chats with the staff there or scrolls through his phone. He heads back to the convenient store if they need him, otherwise he heads home for a nap or just to relax. Most days he can trust his shift supervisors or the manager to finish up the rest of the day at Roberto’s. Only on occasion does he have to cover a shift or go in to change the cash register for a shift.

By five or six in the evening, Axel crosses the threshold of St. Peters and takes a spot at the bar. If he feels like dinner, he gets something to eat. Otherwise he has a few drinks to pass the time and watches the environment. If he’s lucky, he catches something that isn’t supposed to be happening in Redridge without approval and brings it to a higher up. Otherwise, he wastes some time before Rogue’s opens and he can go watch the fights for the night. By the time it’s his turn to get in the ring, he’s usually itching to start fighting. He’s not one to get excited about much, but once he gets sight of his ‘opponent’ a wide shark-like smile will spread across his face. Axel loves the work he gets to do with Valencia and if he could do more he would. Fighting and getting rid of people was something he specialized in, he was damn good at it, too. If he was lucky, he brought someone home with him at the end of the night. If not, he has another drink and heads back to his house to watch something on the television or, if he’s even luckier, gets a few hours of sleep before he has to wake up and repeat it all the next day.

“REMINISCENCE”: violence tw, alcohol tw, blood tw, death tw

“Not everyone gets to just blurt out how the feel about whoever or whatever on a fuckin’ whim, dude.” Axel spoke into his glass, the third brandy making his voice hoarse. Stuck in the reverie that his best friend had pulled from him. That afternoon they’d gotten the news that his father was found dead in the showers that morning. He was out celebrating. That man had never done anything for anyone, nothing good at least and definitely not any of his kids. Axel looked at the brown liquid in his glass and swirled it around. “Remember back in high school, that kid Jake who used to hang around sometimes?” He asked, eyes still on the glass. “We used to mess around or whatever. I was young and stupid.” He shook his head, knowing at twenty-five he wasn’t exactly old but he was a lot older than he was then. “Anyways, it had been a few months and I started talkin’ a big game like I was the boss of my house. My papi didn’t give a shit what I did or who I was with and all that. We stopped at Roberto’s after school to get some snacks or whatever. You know, same shit different day.” Axel paused and let out a slow sigh. The alcohol was getting to his head and loosening his tongue to reveal shit he’d never talked about with anyone. Most people knew his father was a prick that was quick to correct his children with his hands rather than his words, but Axel didn’t ever make it seem like it bothered him. He sure as hell didn’t let on that he harbored a great fear of the man. “We were at the counter paying, right in front of my dad and Jake tried to lean in for a kiss or somethin’ to say thank you or some shit. I just freaked out, I didn’t know what to do because that shit wasn’t goin’ to fly with Roberto Martinez. Not one of his kids. So, I pushed him away and beat his ass bloody right there for all the world to see.” He didn’t want his dad to do it and if he thought for a second that Axel was into guys he would probably shoot him on the spot. Definitely would have gotten rid of him in one way or the other. Even if he still liked girls, too. “My brother had to pull me off of him. I was so fuckin’ scared man, I just kept hittin’ him. He had to go to the hospital and his parents didn’t even press charges, they straight pulled him out of school. I never even saw him again.” Axel finished off his glass and exhaled the burn it left in his throat and chest. “Out of all the people I’ve beat in my lifetime, all the shit I’ve done, man. That’s the only one I regret. But you know the sad part?” He let out a bitter laugh. “If I could go back and do it over, I’d still beat his ass. What the fuck does that say about me?” Axel shut up after that, didn’t even really pay attention to what his friend had to say about any of it. He drowned himself in a bottle and had no idea how he got home at the end of the night.

BACKGROUND. ( abuse tw, death tw, violence tw)

Born and raised in Redridge, oldest of six children. Some of his siblings still live in Redridge, others have left and spread around the country. He has a large extended family. They live all over the country, Mexico, and South America.

His father was a very strict man and ran his household with an iron fist. He believed his children should be seen and not heard. If one of them were to step out of line, show defiance, or generally make him angry in any way, he normally responded by correcting them physically instead of with words. He owned Roberto’s, which he started before Axel was born. Roberto was also a member of Valencia working up from street rat to lieutenant. He was arrested when Axel was twenty and died in prison when he was twenty-five.

Antonia, his mother, was a reserved woman. She was hard-working and loved her children. However, she listened to her husband and he was the head of the household. When Roberto went to prison, Axel took over the role of head of the household. His mother fell ill in his late twenties and currently lives in an assisted living facility in Redridge. Axel visits her regularly.

As for his siblings, he keeps up with all of them. One attends the community college and he is adamant that they keep up with their grades and continue their education. He keeps in almost daily touch with each and every one of them and adores his nieces and nephews. Whenever he can visit, he makes a point to but hates to fly so it is usually only once or twice a year at most for those who live outside of Nevada.

School wasn’t Axel’s strong suit. He could never focus and everything just made him feel like he was stupid when he knew he wasn’t stupid. He just wasn’t book smart. So he dropped out right before eleventh grade and worked at Roberto’s. As soon as he was able to, he joined Valencia as a street rat and moved up the ranks to Bone-breaker once he had proven himself. However, he enjoys doing soldier work still so he will pick up any spare jobs if they are available.

As far as romance goes, Axel has never been with anyone long. He enjoys both women and men and their company, but he has a hard time letting anyone past his walls. The few times he has tried, he fucked it up in one way or another. So, he stays single and just holds casual relationships.

He loves to fight and he is good at making people disappear, getting jobs done efficiently, and intimidation. Axel is very loyal to Valencia.

Currently, he is always on the move. He doesn’t like to be idle for long. So he is either doing work for Valencia or Roberto’s, moving around town, drinking at a bar, eating somewhere, fighting at Rogue’s, at the gym, watching fights, or sleeping in between any of those activities.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

Friends With Benefits/One-night Stands (unlimited): He likes physical activity and touch, he tries to pick people up often and especially after a fight. This could have been happening for a long time or just a night or be brand new.

Best Friend (0/1): This person knows him better than anyone. They just get him and is likely the only person he’s ever opened up to.

Close Friends (0/6): These people know him better than most, but he probably has only opened up about one or two things to them. He trusts these people and likes to be around them.

Employees: Anyone who wants to work at Roberto’s

Budding Romance (0/1): could be a fwb that progresses, someone who’s always been around but neither of them made the move to advance it past anything.

Enemies: Self explanatory, but they always butt heads in one way or another. Possibly have fought in the past, but definitely never have anything nice to say about one another.

Past relationships (0/4): People who tried to break through his walls and didn’t get through. Or they just didn’t work out for any multitude of reasons.

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kitmeowza/c-axel-martinez/

#redridgeimp #intro #; about #//have my child #//hope this is okay

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estradioltone · 4 years

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Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

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roadtrip-2020 · 3 years

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Jackson Hole, WY.

Another favorite stop on our road trip was Jackson Hole. We were there in the shoulder season in late October, just a few weeks after most of the leaves had turned. While it was pretty cold, we had a wonderful time.

Where we stayed

Anvil Hotel - Roadside motel recently renovated into a trendy midcentury hotel.

What we liked:

Affordable

Great location, right in town

Decor is cute, beds are comfy

What we didn’t like:

Rooms are dark and almost all have windows that face directly into a parking lot. You have to keep the shades pulled down the whole time for privacy, so there isn’t much natural light.

Overall, it felt a bit cheap. It was cheap, so I guess you get what you pay for. I’d recommend it if you’re on a budget, but otherwise would stay elsewhere. We loved the Rustic Inn, where we stayed our last night in Jackson.

Rustic Inn - I’ll admit, the branding does not impress (Anvil looks much cuter online), but the Rustic Inn is actually very nice! I would definitely recommend it, especially if you can get a creekside cabin/room.

What we liked:

Beautiful grounds complete with a creek, teepee, creekside outdoor bar, outdoor fireplaces, and a river walk.

Big cabin-like rooms or actual cabins

Our room had a fireplace and a porch

Breakfast was to-go due to COVID, but they were really good breakfast burritos!

Outdoor hot tub and pool area (we took advantage of the hot tub)

What we didn’t like:

We tried to make spa appointments day-of or day-prior (right after we checked in), but it was too late -- they were full. It wasn’t the hotel’s fault, really. We would have liked to stay there longer and leveraged the spa.

Location is towards the outskirts of downtown Jackson, it’s actually right as you’re driving out of town towards the Tetons or airport. It’s good, because it has lots of space, but not as walkable as, say, the Anvil.

This photo was taken before we went to dinner at the creek right next to our hotel room at Rustic Inn...see, stunning!

What we did

We had so much fun in Jackson Hole and I love how much there is to see and do in the area! The Grand Tetons are absolutely stunning and are less than a 20 minute drive away...The proximity to Grand Teton National Park and even Yellowstone makes Jackson Hole one of my favorite destinations and a must for outdoor adventurers.

Outdoor adventures:

Grand Teton National Park - Out of every National Park we visited, Grand Teton was probably our favorite and definitely the best run. Everything was very clearly marked, rangers were extremely helpful, and the trails were well kept with nice bathrooms/facilities and plenty of parking. Sounds superfluous but you notice these things after awhile!

Rockin’ M Ranch Trail Ride - BY FAR one of our favorite activities in Jackson and of our entire trip. Forgot how cathartic spending time with animals in nature is...Rockin’ M Ranch is in Alpine, about 45 minutes outside of Jackson. They were WONDERFUL. We did 3 hour ride with lunch included, which was really fun. I guess there are less little kids on the longer rides, which worked well for us. We had a great group of about 5 couples and a guide who was nice, funny, and helpful. We hiked along and THROUGH a river, up and down hills and ate lunch at this area that had a grill and picnic table. Many pictures below...

Things we did in Grand Teton National Park:

There are sooo many hikes and beautiful lakes to check out in the Tetons...what we did in our limited time below and then I’ll also link some other favs. These are great activities for summer/fall, but had we been there in the winter we would have skied Jackson Hole Mountain Resort. We will be back soon!

Hidden Falls Trail - The majority of this hike is pretty flat and wraps around the gorgeous Jenny Lake. We ended up hiking up past the falls up a step path to a few overlooks that had stunning views of the entire lake. Then, we heard about a Moose spotting from another hiker and set out to find it...and we did! I think these offshoots must have added some distance and elevation to our hike because I was exhausted by the end.

Mormon Row - OK so this is less a hike and more of a site to see, but it’s these old farm houses and barns with the most stunning background. They are located on the Antelope refuge and we saw tons of pronghorn grazing in the area. I didn’t know what that was, but pronghorn are in the antelope family and they are the fastest animal in North America and the 2nd fastest animal in the world!!

Beautiful viewpoint on top of Signal Mountain - Perhaps you can hike here, but we drove it. The views from the top are stunning. You can see the Teton range and Lake Jackson on one side and Jackson Hole Valley on the other!

Top 10 Hiking trails in Grand Teton National Park on AllTrails >>

Yellowstone National Park is also only about an hour away from Jackson, but I’ll cover that in my Montana post! :)

Views from top of Signal Mtn:

Mormon Row:

Hiking Jenny Lake:

Shopping:

I knew from the beginning that I wanted to get a Stetson hat in Jackson. And so I did! And there were SOOO many good ones to choose from. Chris got his second Stetson, too!

Hide Out Leathers - I got both my Stetson hat and suede fringe jacket here! They have such a good supply of leather goods, not as wide variety of hats, but they do have some.

Beaver Creek Hats and Leather - Chris got his hat here and they have a loooot of great hats. I was tempted to buy another hat here after getting mine at Hide Out, but I resisted.

High Country Outfitters - They have fly fishing trips out of here and outdoor gear/apparel.

Pendleton Store - Pendleton stuff just says “the West” to me. So it makes sense they’d have a flagship store in Jackson. They have such cool blankets and even make custom ones at this store.

Breakfast / Lunch:

Persephone bakery - An adorable bakery and cafe. You order at the counter and then they bring you your food. Really cute outdoor dining, too! I got the croissant breakfast sandwich and it was so tasty!

Cafe Genevieve - Another wonderful little breakfast spot, right next to Persephone. More of a sit down and order kind of place. And more traditional breakfast food. I loved my waffles and chai latte.

Creekside Market - Great deli to get to-go sandwiches for a day of adventures!

Dinner:

We should have booked dinner reservations further in advance, because it was pretty tough to get reservations once we got there.

Our first night there, we met up with some friends who have a place in Jackson Hole. We wanted to sit outside (COVID and we had a dog with us), so we got drinks and dinner at Cutty’s, a local dive bar. Very divey, but fun! A bit out of the town square so less touristy but also you need to drive to get there. Not really a “must-see”.

Local restaurant & bar - This was our favorite dinner in Jackson. We both got really good steaks! They also had really great wine selection including many natural wines, which we loved.

StillWest Brewery & grill - When we couldn’t get reservations in town, we called StillWest. Stillwest is still technically in town, but not right in the town square. It’s closer to the local ski mountain, Snow King. It’s a really fun brewery and restaurant with good food!

On our third night we went to dinner with friends in a nearby town, Wilson, and went to an old-school Italian restaurant: Calico.

Recommendations

Because we had such a limited time there, I enlisted the help of my friend Kaelyn (a regular, and a local for a good chunk of COVID) to help me with all of her faves. So comments below are from her POV, which I trust, of course.

Restaurants:

Glorietta's - New-ish Italian spot. Literally everything I've had is next-level good, but Meatballs are a must.

Persephone Bakery - Breakfast/lunch spot. The one in town is tiny and always insanely crowded, but a new one just opened in Wilson and is bigger/way less crowded. We went here, too...Linked above!

Cafe Genevieve - Southern comfort-ish food (lol we did our late night wedding food from here). We went here, too...Linked above!

Pinky G's - Best pizza in my opinion — you can dine in but we usually take out Get the Abe Froman with balsamic glaze!

Snake River Grill - Fancy spot, probably best steak/bison place in town Make a reso NOW if you're going months from now haha

Bin 22 - Mini liquor/wine + mart that's also a tapas/happy hour spot

Calico - especially in the summer! We went here, too...Linked above!

Hikes:

Hiking in the park

Delta Lake - ~7 miles with elevation gain (takes 3.5-4.5 hours to hike, roundtrip, plus ~1 hour at the lake)...I'd say moderate-to-difficult but worth it. The views are unreal (it's that gorgeous bright blue lake!) and it's never too too crowded.

Bradley and/or Taggart Lakes - A 5-mile loop, not hard at all. Bradley is less crowded if you want to pick one.

Phelps Lake - Scenic and easy, more of a walk than a hike. Has a massive boulder that people jump off of into the water (great photo op!) — kind of a "rite of passage," if you will.

For both of these hikes (Bradley/Taggart and Delta), you'll enter through the park, which driving through IS an adventure in and of itself; you can buy a park pass that'll last you seven days

Also I HIGHLY recommend to everyone visiting Jackson that they rent a car

Hiking in Teton Village:

You can hike to the top of the gondola (~1.5 hours) OR ride the gondola and hike one of the trails that starts toward the top of the mountain...there are TONS

Did the Cirque trail this summer and LOVED it...It summits Rendezvous (the main skiing mountain in the village) and there were basically no people doing it.

Hiking in town:

Snow King - This is a ski run in winter but a steep and quick trail in the summer. Super quick but tough! A great workout.

Hiking with a bit of a drive

Table Mountain - You actually drive through Victor and Driggs (Idaho), then back through Alta (Wyoming) to get to the trailhead. Hike takes 4-5 hours and the first part (~3 miles) is really freaking hard BUT then it gets easier. On a clear day, you can see the Tetons from the other side!

Other Activities:

Float/raft Snake River - We usually just float it and drink beer but you can also do a guided rafting excursion, there are tons to choose from (just Google).

Get sloshies - Sloshies are alcoholic slushies that you can find at most of the gas stations in Jackson Hole. My favorite's at Hoback Market, but that's a bit south of town. They also have them Creekside Market (also has my favorite, most epic sandwiches), Basecamp (the gas station in Wilson), Albertson's and the liquor store attached to Aspens Market.

Visit Jackson Lake - Super scenic lake in the park. Kind of a hike to get to but if you devote a day, you can rent SUPs, walk around, etc. If you have a boat (or can rent one) you can boat around and water ski, etc.

Drive the big loop in the park - You'll see wildlife, the Tetons, the Chapel of the Transfiguration. Before leaving, grab a drink at Dornan's.

Granite or Astoria Hot Springs - The "official" Astoria ones aren't open to us non-Wyoming resident peasants BUT there are natural hot springs (called "hippie" hot springs) before Astoria/the red bridge that goes to the Snake River Sporting Club. Just park by the other parked cars, and you'll find a path that leads to them! (Def bring sloshies)

Below:

Pic 1 - Chris and I in our new Stetsons out to dinner

Pic 2 - Chris with our delicious steak dinner at Local

#jacksonhole #jackson #wy #wyoming #travel #roadtrip #grand tetons

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parisdj · 5 years

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“Croyez-vous en la magie?”

My wanderlust started early in life. When I was 16 I was driving to school one day and I just decided, “Turn left at the stop light at 55th Street. Don’t go to school today.” I had been paid the night before and had about $200 on the passenger seat of my car. I turned left and drove the seven hours to Chicago. I spent the night in Chicago and then, early the next morning, hoped back in my car and drove home. When I arrived home at 2222 38th Street, my mother said, “I figured you’d be back when you were out of money.” I was truly, in her mind, the prodigal son. I’m betting my father didn’t even realize I was gone. He would have had his nose stuck in some book.

I spent the next few summers driving around the Great Lakes. I didn’t have a plan and those years probably created the mindset in me that I didn’t need a plan. The lack of a plan has created a fairly stress free life for me although, I can tell you my travel mates hate the fact that I don’t plan any travel or trip. The Little Piggie will never travel with me again and, when he abandoned me in Guyancourt in 2014, it was obvious our travel relationship was on the rocks. I’m sure I’ve frustrated more than a single travel partner but, eventually, you end up finding someone like Søs, E, Doobie or Мирося. Perfect travel partners that just want to wander.

My first real adventure began when I was 19. And, ultimately, that’s what this story is all about. I had started the summer working at a camp in the middle of nowhere. And when I say, “Nowhere”, I mean central Ohio. It was a fantastic experience. However, that’s for another story and day.

By early June I was growing weary of camping with 13 and 14-year-olds and was ripe for a new escapade. I ran into a friend (Brian) at a Grateful Dead concert on one of my days off. And, yes, of course that’s where this story must start. He was high, and, when I say “HIGH” I mean he was totally and massively fucked up. He started babbling all sorts of crazy shit to me. A prelude of what my summer would devolve in to. But, somewhere along the line he said, “I can get us free tickets in Kansas City.” That’s all I needed to hear and, frankly, that was the most elaborate plan that I had for the summer. I quit the camp, by not going back, and readied myself for the drive to KC. We packed into my lime green VW and headed to KC. I had a sleeping bag, a day back with about three days’ worth of clothes, a few hundred dollars, a map of the United States and, the most important device known to mankind, a combination bottle/can opener. It would save my life more than once.

We hit the road at the crack of noon and started heading west. We had three cassette tapes for the summer and played them relentlessly. We had a Lovin’ Spoonful mix, a live bootleg tape of the Pretenders in concert in Hammersmith and a compilation tape of late 60s psychedelic music. We camped at road side rest stops, showered in bus stations, ate at Waffle Houses and generally had a stupid time getting lost in the Midwest. We happened upon KC a few days ahead of the concert.

Upon our arrival, our first thought was to find the free tickets. We were told the tickets were with “two girls in tie dye at a Denny’s”. No names. No phone numbers. No addresses. No nothing. We drove from Denny’s to Denny’s in the greater KC area hoping to stumble upon these “two girls in tie dye”. To this day I have no idea how many Denny’s there may be in KC but let’s agree that it is more than one. We spent approximately six hours cruising Denny’s restaurants in the area. Shockingly, we eventually landed at a Denny’s, shuffled in and, lo and behold, there in a booth in the back were two tie dye clad deadheads sipping shitty coffee.

I don’t recall their names. But, they were your typical contrived deadhead names like, “Sunshine”, “Moonlight”, or “Rainbow”. We quickly forged a deal. They would supply us with tickets and get us a job hawking tee shirts in exchange for transportation. My VW was tiny but we could wedge them in the back.

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Cool. But tell me about the actual trip!” Well, here’s the problem, I don’t remember the actual sequence of stuff, I’m sure there is a great deal of stuff that I’ve forgotten and stuff just happened. Yes, there’s a lot of stuff here. Here’s what I do recall:

1. I really enjoyed camping with Brian and the two deadheads. I’m going to refer to them as Janet and Mary for the rest of this story. I’m sure that’s a more accurate representation of their names. We had a tent that could sleep all four of us but it was uncomfortable. We would be smashed in like a pack of sardines. Normally, Janet and Mary would sleep in the tent and Brian and I would sleep outside the tent. Bad weather, bad decisions and wildlife would occasionally drive all four of us into the tent but we regarded the tent as the realm of Janet and Mary. Pine needles, musty and moldy trees, decomposing leaves, trickling waters, salt, sweat, burning rubber, high winds, lightning induced shadows…your senses come to life when you sleep outside night after night. You wake up damp from the dew, itching, ready to go. I slept in national forests, cornfields, next to rubber factories and steel mills and on the beach.

2. I had some wonderful dreams during the trip. I slept incredibly well nearly every night. I dreamt of raccoons, talking trees, long swims in calm oceans, old friends, new friends, friends not yet discovered, art work, asphalt and warming fires on frosty mornings. My only recurring nightmare involved a red eyed demonic opossum. I’m still convinced opossums are zombie animals that are more dead than alive. My other recurring dream was of a bobber bouncing up and down in a pond. We fished nearly every day on our adventure (FREE FOOD!) and bobbers became imprinted on our minds and in our psyche.

3. I taught my travel partners French on the trip. When you’re stuck in a small VW for hours at a time and you have a limited amount of entertainment, you find things to pass the time. I’m betting Brian, Janet and Mary could, to this day, break out in song and start singing, “ Croyez-vous en la magie?/Dans un coeur de jeune fille/Comment la musique peut la libérer/Chaque fois que ça commence!”

4. My travel partners liked to do a LOT of drugs. And, I mean a LOT of drugs. I didn’t partake. For some reason, chemically altering my mind wasn’t my thing. Now, with that said, I did (and still do) like my beer and wine and found myself waking up with a horribly brutal hangover more than once on the trip but compared to Brian, Janet and Mary, I was restrained. The three of them would drop acid and start painting or drawing while cruising from one location to the next. I found their “artwork” a few months later when I was cleaning out the car. Although, the paintings were horrible and totally disturbing, they did bring a smile to my face. I distinctly remember the crayons ground into the seats and flooring of the car. They were still there when I abandoned the car on I77 just south of Akron a few years later.

5. I will forever remember the depth of the night sky. Our camping was very primitive. We didn’t have lights and on clear evenings you could see directly into the soul of the universe. It was life changing and, to this day, it has allowed me to understand my place in the cosmos.

6. I learned that we all carry different things with us. Brian was an idiot. He could have easily wandered through life without a care in the world. He had a simple childhood, lived in a simple home with his simple family and had simple goals (none). He replicated this model after he married and he had idiotic and simple children. He carried a vacuum of thought. Janet and Mary carried hardship, anger, abuse and, most importantly “hope”. While Brian and I saw this as an adventure, they saw this as an escape. Janet, Mary and I would talk well into the night. Janet and Mary weren’t damaged and, in fact, they’re probably two of the strongest people I had ever met in my life. They just had to swim above the shit to see the sunshine. They were amazing people and I have no doubt that they both not only survived but prospered and continued to be the lovely people that they were. I lost touch with them immediately after the trip and don’t regret it for a minute. Seeing them would ruin the memory of them.

7. I made money by selling shirts. The directions were pretty simple. Grab shirts off a truck, put them on a blanket and take whatever money you could get for them. We made about $150 per show. More than enough for us to keep gas in the car, food in our bellies and toiletries. It may sound crazy, but you have no idea how testy four people can be in a car when there isn’t any toothpaste. At one point, Brian was hiding some from the rest of us and when this was discovered we SERIOUSLY discussed killing him and tossing his body off a bridge. We were that fucking angry at him.

8. We traveled through Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Colorado, Wyoming, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California (top to bottom), Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. I’m sure we would have busted Google had it tried to map our trip. We were lost two to three times every day and I’m sûre our mileage was probably 20% higher than it should have been. But, getting lost was one of the major purposes of the trip. We dropped Janet and Mary off in Bloomington, Illinois. I left Brian in Urbana. I couldn’t stand him at that point and couldn’t stand the thought of wearing dirty socks for one more day. I ran into Brian a few years ago and we had a couple of beers. We laughed about the trip and our adventure. But, when the topic of me tossing him to the curb in Urbana came up, well, I could tell there were still some raw nerves there.

9. When I arrived at my apartment the mail was about three feet deep. Erin, my neighbor, had been dropping it off and had been wondering if I was ever actually coming back. She was prepared to do the paperwork to drop me out of school if needed. I proved her wrong by flunking out. Like Brian, I too was an idiot.

10. A few days after I returned home I went to visit my parents. They weren’t home when I arrived. However, my older brother, for some reason was there. He saw me and said, “What’s up?” I mentioned that I had just gotten home and he said, “You were gone? Where were you?” That’s one of those impossible questions to answer.

11. I learned that I start looking like Grizzly Adams when I don’t shave for six months. Although, my hair was never as coifed as Dan Haggerty’s. I wore my hair in a ponytail.

12. We had Sunday dinners while on the road. We would pool our money together and buy a roaster. To this day I’m not sure anything smells better than a chicken cooking over a campfire. The dinners, in retrospect, were the most memorable parts of our trip. We socialized, laughed, told stories, rehashed the trip, talked about family, hopes, dreams, the future and generally grew our friendship. As mentioned earlier, I immediately lost touch with Janet and Mary but we’re forever bonded.

13. I learned to listen to my clock. It is probably the only advice I have to give. While traveling, don’t over schedule and, most importantly, listen to your clock. It is there, ticking away. It will give you your pace. You’ll slow down, relax and realize, “Yes. I do have time to do that. I have all the time in the world.”

There isn’t an ending to this story. I don’t travel as much as I use to. It has been pointed out that I have an “adult job” now and just picking up and bolting would be irresponsible. But, with that said, I still manage to go from time to time. I’m currently planning a trip to New York to see Doobie. I’ll go visit C in Indy at some point. BA and I are planning a trip to the UK (where I hope to see E and Alec), RJ and I are talking about winter hike in Iceland and, of course, I’ll have to make a trip to go see Søs.

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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The 50 Funniest Jokes About All 50 States

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/the-50-funniest-jokes-about-all-50-states/

The 50 Funniest Jokes About All 50 States

Alabama

Allard One/ShutterstockWhen a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day’s headline would scream “Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.”

“I’m not from this town,” said the hero.

“Then,” the reporter said, “it will say ‘Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'”

“Actually,” said the man, “I’m from New Hampshire.”

“In that case,” the reporter grumbled, “the headline will be ‘Yankee Kills Family Pet.'”

Check out these short jokes that anyone can remember.

Alaska

fon thachakul/ShutterstockAn Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”

Arizona 

fotomak/ShutterstockIt’s so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockAn Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.

He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”

The driver asks, “‘Bout what?”

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California

Teri Virbickis/ShutterstockThe Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion’s yelling, “OK! OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

These hilarious dad jokes will have you laughing until you cry.

Colorado

Paul Brady Photography/ShutterstockHow do you know you’re in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWhat’s the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don’t own Connecticut.

Delaware 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockA DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

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Florida 

Vlad G/ShutterstockMy parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia

Sue Smith/ShutterstockHow do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with “Go down Peachtree …” and include the phrase “When you see the Waffle House …”

If you have this phobia, you actually don’t know how to take a joke.

Hawaii

northallertonman/ShutterstockWhat do you call a Hawaiian murder mystery? A Hula-Dunnit.

Idaho 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWant to join a militia? Idaho’s your state. Here are some terms to learn:

Commander: Whoever starts the unit.

Second in Command: His best friend.

Auxiliary Commander: His wife.

Captain: New guy.

Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.

Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

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Illinois 

Henryk Sadura/ShutterstockThis is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.”  —Richard Jeni

Indiana

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockWhat is the difference between Indiana sports fans and puppies? Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining so much.

Iowa 

Sopotnicki/ShutterstockWhat do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald’s in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas 

Sue Smith/ShutterstockWhat do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They’re all fixin’ to lose a trailer. For more laughs check out these corny jokes.

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Kentucky 

photo.ua/ShutterstockHow do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockWhat differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockAfter surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. “Good,” said the farmer. “I couldn’t take another one of those Maine winters.”

Maryland 

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockAn admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. “Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”

“Sure, buddy,” says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

“That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”

The plebe snaps to attention and barks, “No, sir!”

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Massachusetts 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockLewis Black on Boston traffic: “The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, ‘The British are coming! The British are coming!'”

Michigan 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWhat do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.   Every nerd will love these hilarious math jokes.

Minnesota 

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockWhat are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

Mississippi 

photo.ua/ShutterstockHow do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

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Missouri 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockA man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, “Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?”

The bartender says, “Listen, pal, I’m from St. Louis, and I won’t appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he’s from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?”

“No,” says the guy from Kansas City. “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

Montana

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockFour women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. “What are you doing?” asks the Nebraskan.

“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them.”

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. “What are you doing?” asks the gal from Montana.

“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska

marekuliasz/ShutterstockJust keep driving. When something changes, you’ll know you’re out of Nebraska.

Nevada

RedTango/ShutterstockLas Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. —Jason Love

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New Hampshire

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockThe state motto is “Live Free or Die,” which appears on license plates made by prisoners. —Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockAs you know, the bear hunting season in New Jersey is a little bit different. First, they shoot the bear and then they bury it in a construction site.  —Late Show with David Letterman

New Mexico

Tim Roberts Photography/ShutterstockTraveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. “What are you doing?” asks the man.

The tribesman replies, “Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph.”

“Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” says the Native American. “They ran over me five minutes ago.”

These funny pirate jokes will have you talking like a pirate, matey.

New York

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockI moved to New York City for my health. I’m paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. —Anita Weiss

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North Carolina 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockOn his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, “Do you go to Harvard?”

The girl responded, “Yale.”

“OK. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!”

North Dakota 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWhat’s a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

Ohio

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockHow do you know you’re from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

Oklahoma 

Paul Brady Photography/ShutterstockHow can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There’s dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

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Oregon

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockHoward dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, ”Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”

“They’re from Oregon,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

Pennsylvania 

LesPalenik/ShutterstockWhat do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A mechanic.

Rhode Island

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWelcome to Rhode Island! Enjoy it, because it ends in 40 feet. All the grammar nerds will get a kick out of these funny grammar jokes.

South Carolina 

photo.ua/ShutterstockWhile fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore.  Halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old guy said. “The sharks got ’em.”

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South Dakota

Ingo70/ShutterstockA tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren … and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Tennessee

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockDo you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …

Texas

photo.ua/ShutterstockKinky Friedman, an entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: “Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.”

Utah 

Lauren Orr/ShutterstockAn elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

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Vermont 

Brett Godfrey/ShutterstockWhat did the guy from Burlington say to the  Pillsbury Doughboy? “Hey, nice tan.” These funny dog puns will give you paws.

Virginia

Katherine Welles/ShutterstockIn my day, Virginia was for people who were just friends, not lovers.

Washington 

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockIn Seattle, you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running. —Jeff Bezos

West Virginia

Joseph Sohm/ShutterstockWhat is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish.

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Wisconsin 

Henryk Sadura/ShutterstockSven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard—”Boat for Sale.”

“Ole,” he says, “you don’t own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine.”

“Yup,” said Ole. “And they’re boat for sale.”

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hotfitnesstopics · 6 years

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Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Miley Cyrus: the tale of the two women (three if you include Hannah Montana) living one radical life that I set out to imitate for one week. To be clear, I've made the distinction between Miley prebreakup and Miley post-breakup. Prebreakup Miley includes neon colors, panda bears, furry onesies, nipple pasties, and bumping and grinding with Robin Thicke. Post-breakup Miley includes walks on the beach (preferably Malibu), plants, OMing, and animals. Lots of them. To my surprise, even with a cheat snack or missed class here or there, I actually felt clearer, open, and more receptive to my body's cues, wants, and needs by the end of the week. So, when I took on the task of living the Life of Miley for one week, I made it my intention to embody all of Miley. Meaning, I wore onesies while I meditated and chased my Mommy Juice (also known as Malbec) with fresh green juice. Since I was already rocking a pretty solid grown-out balayage look and mastered a successful breakup and makeup with my then boyfriend, now husband, when I too was in my 20s, I decided to focus specifically on Miley's eating and fitness routine - a vegan diet, mixture of Pilates and Yoga, and good vibes (and tunes). My intention? To depuff my fat face by eliminating dairy from my diet, strengthen my "baby abs" with a core-specific Pilates routine, and deepen my flexibility with a daily self-yoga practice. If a young, hot, Australian boyfriend magically appeared too, I wouldn't say no. The reality? I'm a mother of a 20-month-old daughter. Therefore, fitness classes were missed, candy was eaten, and I needed my coffee (with milk)! But since Miley hasn't been one to take herself too seriously, I figured I wouldn't either. Related: Miley Cyrus Looked Exquisite at the Grammys Thanks to These Workout and Diet Choices To my surprise, even with a cheat snack or missed class here or there, I actually felt clearer, open, and more receptive to my body's cues, wants, and needs by the end of the week. While I surprisingly craved meat as the week went on (and I don't even eat a lot of meat to begin with), I now find myself thinking about the morality of veganism and often opt for the vegetarian option when given the choice. Also, making fitness a priority became less about the physical end goal and more about how good it feels to make space in my body. I felt more in tune with my body's abilities and more receptive to my meditations. And while I was mentally PSYCHED to stuff my face with pizza at the end of the week, my physical body definitely wasn't and let me know the next morning when I ended up on the toilet (TMI? Oh well.) Suffice to say, I plan to keep this half-assed vegan attempt and fitness commitment going. Ahead is a day-by-day breakdown of my best attempt to living a Life of Miley. If you're feeling inspired to take the climb toward a Miley-based lifestyle, see the Miley Hacks ahead to set yourself up for success. Image Source: Getty / Kevin Winter 1. Plan Ahead Get out your planner, and write down each day's intended meal and activity. Explore different restaurants and studios in your neighborhood (some fitness studios offer free classes for first-timers), and set a specific time to commit to your meals and movement. Structure is key! 2. Go Shopping Well, I screwed the pooch on this one. About midway through day one, I called my husband frantically saying, "I'm going to starve! There's no food in the house! I'm too weak to drive to the food store. SEND HELP!" Being the angel that he is, hubby made an emergency run to Trader Joe's and stocked up on the essentials. My vegan friend suggested that I find one fruit, one vegetable, and one vegan meal that I love and eat them on repeat. When I had a craving for something on the banned list, I could grab a snack that I knew I loved without the stress. Lifesaver! Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham 3. Do your research Find your local vegan-friendly establishments, foodie blogs, and fitness inspirations. Knowledge is power, especially when you are trying something new. 4. Plan a budget Eating plants and doing Pilates and Yoga isn't cheap! Oftentimes, I was so overwhelmed by recipes (see #2 above), that I ended up driving 20 minutes to pick up a $15 sandwich at the one vegan restaurant in the neighborhood. If you want to really to set yourself up, start saving now, and buy yourself a personal chef, Pilates trainer, and yoga instructor. Then you'll really be like Miley! 5. Balance It's not that serious. Unless you're a true vegan, and then it's very serious! But if you're not and you're just looking to deepen your connection to your body by what you eat and what you do with it, then be easy on yourself. Miley wasn't built in a day. Make one small shift a day to live consciously, and eventually those small shifts will make a big difference! Related: Miley Cyrus Got Her "ASStanga" Kicked by a Post-Holiday Yoga Session Day One: Meal 1: Smoothie: 1/2 banana, pear, almond milk, almond butter, 1/2 lemon, flax. Meal 2: Trader Joe's lentil soup. Cheat Snack: Teddy Grahams, Gold Fish, and gummy bears (at least they weren't real animals!). Meal 3: Farro salad: farro, baked sweet potato, baked hazelnuts, dates, and kale. Exercise: Taught two hot yoga classes and did a self-yoga practice (baby included). Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Day Two: Meal 1: Steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries, almond milk, and agave. Meal 2: Smoothie: 1/2 banana, pear, almond milk, almond butter, 1/2 lemon, flax. Meal 3: (WANTING MEAT NOW): Quinoa veggie burger with mesclun mix and almond hummus from Pureganic. Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Cheat snack: Coffee with regular milk and three butter cookies (enter shameful emoji face here). My mouth felt yucky after I drank real milk. Meal 4: Baked Brussels sprouts, baked potato. Snack: Strawberries. Exercise: Self-yoga practice. Bonus: My skin was looking fresh, and my tongue was looking healthy! Day Three: Meal 1: Strawberries, chai soy latte. Meal 2: Farro, cucumber, tomato, and onion salad with grilled carrots. Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Cheat snack: Three oatmeal raisin cookies and a bite of a cupcake (two bites, if I'm being honest). Meal 3: Quinoa veggie burger with mesclun mix and almond hummus from Pureganic. Exercise: Self-yoga practice. Bonus: I started to feel the difference when I ate clean food vs. processed, and it did not feel good! Day Four: Meal 1: Oatmeal with agave and apples, white orchard tea. Meal 2: Green smoothie from Trader Joe's, avocado, kale chips. Meal 3: Farro, baked squash, baked hazelnuts, kale, and dates. Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Cheat snack: Brownie. Exercise: Missed my Pilates class, but did the MegaFormer at MF3, which is basically Pilates on steroids. Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham Day Five: Meal 1: Green smoothie from Trader Joe's. Meal 2: Waffle made of rolled oats, gluten-free flour, and maple syrup from Pureganic. Meal 3: PIZZA for the grand finale! Sorry, not sorry. Image Source: Jen Aloisi Ham from POPSUGAR Fitness https://ift.tt/2GPiEF4 via IFTTT

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plantsindubai · 6 years

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John Elway a long Journey That Never Ends

John Elway earned popularity as a quarterback, fortune as a specialist and regard as a general supervisor. In any case, he will never be fulfilled. Not when the general concept of an agreeable life feels like passing. Envision John Elway dead.

John Elway has an insatiable drive to win

John Elway has been a champion as a quarterback and an executive, but he keeps risking his legacy, year after year, because he's addicted to the competition. Seth Wickersham reports.ELAINE THOMPSON/AP PHOTO

Elway has. He's imagined it, pondered about it. He's in his office on a June day amidst a terrible and individual contract debate with the authoritative Super Bowl MVP. He has supplanted a future Hall of Fame quarterback with the creator of the Butt Fumble and two folks who've never played, and he's reasoning rehash. His correct knee harms; getting up is harder than it was even two years back. He has thought of himself two storybook endings, both as a quarterback and a general supervisor, and he could leave with his heritage secure and spend whatever remains of his life flying to fairways. Be that as it may, the general thought of an agreeable life feels like passing. Elway knows he will be a geezer one day, his body surrendering to life the way it surrendered to football, however the organic objective, the impulse to win, will at present be there, caught in an irreversible senescence. It's his destiny. Thus he inclines in finished his work area, uncovering that commonplace smile, and articulates possibly the most Elway thing ever: "I've generally thought I would kick the bucket ... with a scoop; on the off chance that I woke up, I could uncover my direction." His eyes enlarge. "It's never finished over until it's finished." TO HEAR HIM talk about death as an obstacle, a challenge, a deterrent to clear like first-and-98, influences me to consider John Elway and, well, a waffle creator. It was January 2011, the primary day of Senior Bowl week in Mobile, Alabama. Not long after 6 a.m. in the eatery of a downtown Hampton Inn, scouts swarmed around the breakfast buffet before taking off to rehearse for player measure ins - the snort work, the stuff no one needs to do. Out of the entryway lift, barrel-chested, bandylegged and pigeon-toed, came John Elway. He was under three weeks into his new activity running the Broncos. He wore a cowhide coat. Work area representatives gazed. Scouts gazed. It resembled Springsteen had appeared for open mic night. Elway moved toward the waffle creator, poured the hitter and clasped the irons. The red light didn't go ahead. He flipped it over. Nothing. He tinkered with it. As yet nothing. At that point he got that look he gets when he's forcing his will. Forehead wrinkled, tongue embracing his upper lip. The look from when he tossed the projectile that topped The Drive, the look from when he propelled himself into three Packers close to the objective line in Super Bowl XXXII. A look of high stakes let free on a breakfast buffet, bringing up the issue: Why, precisely, would he say he was here? He earned a fortune in football and a fortune in the auto business. He endured a separation and the passings of his twin sister and his dad. He won an Arena League title running the Colorado Crush. He hit the fairway and voyaged. Presently he was slumming with the scouts, losing to a waffle creator and getting once more into the shred when Joe Montana was developing grapes and Dan Marino was working a cushy studio work. Elway was the main individual in Mobile who didn't need to be there. But then he had to be there. It was the main way he knew. HE'S STILL GRINDING at his work area on a June morning over five years after the fact, draftsman of the protecting Super Bowl champions. His telephone flashes with writings. He's in a red polo shirt and white shorts, hair iced light and marginally diminishing, confront lined and worn. He moves a considerable measure, realigning an old football body, however he's fit as a fiddle, the aftereffect of a recently discovered fixation on cycling. Covering one divider is simply the profundity diagram, where Elway regularly loses himself, gazing, envisioning conceivable outcomes, allowing himself a grin when his eyes achieve the corner where one of his little girls wrote, "Hello there, Dad, I adore you." On the opposite side of his office is a deck sitting above football fields. His burgundy work area is amidst the room, and the business cards stacked there fill in as tokens to guests, similarly as the amusement balls and pictures and trophies covering the back divider improve the situation Elway. The day preceding, Elway and the greater part of the Broncos were at the White House being regarded by President Obama. A pleased Republican, he declined to go to the Super Bowl-champion functions with President Clinton in the late 1990s. Presently he was in the Rose Garden, tweeting, giggling at Obama's jokes, posturing for pictures on the South Lawn. At the point when did you turn out to be such a f - ing p - y? his companions asked later. Elway had no clever response. He's 56 years of age, and nothing is ensured. At the White House, Von Miller reposted a photo of himself and a couple of colleagues on Instagram - and edited out Elway, who was remaining on the edge. The slight was a piece of their now-settled contract debate and part of what is by all accounts a yearly custom amongst Elway and a star player. A couple of his companions clowned that the yield work was something Elway himself may have done once upon a time. Mill operator's camp speculated the Broncos had been attempting to disgrace the linebacker into settling by spilling subtle elements of their agreement offer, and at the ring service a couple of days after the White House, Miller asked Elway for what reason he had enabled their impasse to turn open. "When you sign a long haul bargain, you'll forget about everything," Elway answered. Specialists started to contrast consulting with Elway with consulting with the famously hard-line Patriots, and a couple of football journalists opined that he was frightening off great players from Denver. Presently Elway sits alone in his office. He won't enable himself to get "candidly required" with players and even most staff, for fear that he wind up cutting them one day. Obviously, all GMs say that stuff. Be that as it may, a lot is on the line with Elway and not on the grounds that he debilitates his notoriety for being a player - "most noteworthy locker room quarterback," in the expressions of his previous mentor Mike Shanahan - with each front office move. He says he just adores "contending and accomplishing," yet as he gazes at the profundity outline and clarifies moves, he goes further. Turning into a granddad several years back made him mindful of his mortality in a way the finish of his playing vocation had not. "You require the highs and the lows," he says. "Since in the event that it arrives in such a state" - he draws a level line noticeable all around - "it sort of feels like you're not by any stretch of the imagination doing anything." HE DOESN'T LOOK like he's doing anything a hour later as he watches hone. He remains on the field, moving weight off his awful knee, once in a while on the sideline with the players, different circumstances alone on the opposite side of the field. He watches to perceive how the folks get along, how they solidify as a group. Elway is a standout amongst the most celebrated GMs in NFL history, yet when he took the Broncos work, he had the dividers of his office supplanted with glass so staff members would feel good ceasing by. He gives representatives a chance to leave the workplace early on the off chance that they have a softball game to mentor or a commemoration supper to design, and amid the occasions last December, he orchestrated top of the line retailers to visit group central command to make Christmas shopping simpler. He makes light of his distinction inside the association yet isn't reluctant to use it remotely. A NFL GM who grew up as an Elway fan had an arrangement with the Broncos abandoned by his group's administrators since they dreaded Elway was fleecing their person, suckering him with a hard tally. For snickers, the managers left it to their GM to break the news that the arrangement was off, and he was so propitiatory in doing as such, a portion of the Broncos' staff members on the call pondered whether it may end in a signature ask. Elway gets eager at training and envisions himself out there, taking snaps, making peruses. The hardest thing about being a GM is its stillness, lounging around watching film. He never needed to be a mentor since he couldn't clarify his own endowments - the act of spontaneity amidst catastrophe, the standard cross-field tosses that sent armies of copying secondary school quarterbacks to the seat. Some of the time despite everything he feels the tingle to give one fly, a chance to regardless of whether his body never again permits it. "Until a couple of years back, despite everything I figured I could play," he says. In any case, it baffles Elway when individuals consider him a muscle head in a front office gig. He needs to remind individuals that he didn't simply play at Stanford, he graduated Stanford with a financial aspects degree. Be that as it may, he additionally kind of acknowledges the fuel it gives; sign on a fire. In 2001, exhausted following two years in retirement, Elway approached Shanahan for a vocation with the Broncos. Shanahan said there was no activity for him. The following year, never going to budge on demonstrating he was not kidding about prevailing in his second demonstration, Elway purchased a possession stake in the Colorado Crush, an Arena League establishment. He went up against the part of GM and showed up in mushy advertisements with Jon Bon Jovi, proprietor of the Philadelphia Soul. He wasn't simply loaning a well known face to another group. He was granulating, adapting each aspect of running a football group. "I took a gander at it as my MBA," he says. "Individuals didn't think it was a major ordeal. Yet, it was to me." At the point when Pat Bowlen requesting that he return and run the Broncos in 2011, some in the association figured Elway may be the second happening to Marino, who famously kept going three weeks as a Dolphins official in 2004. They didn't realize that Jack Elway, a school football mentor in the 1970s and '80s, had brought up his child to love rivalry as well as to utilize it as a methods for self-realization, starting in third grade when he'd challenge John to set a world record getting his shoes. Rivalry finished for Montana and Marino when their professions did; for Elway, it closes when life does. He needs to play night golf to tire himself out and keep the TV on to quiet his psyche to rest, and all things considered, he'll frequently wake up amidst the night, nearly as though he's naturally constrained to contend. More than the fervor of winning, Elway is snared on the "energy of not knowing" what's conceivable, what he's prepared to do. He was never invulnerable to weight the way Montana was. When he ran onto the field late in the final quarter of Super Bowl XXXII, with the amusement tied 24-24 and a little more than three minutes left, he didn't search for John Candy in the stands. He peered inside. He thought what each watcher thought: This is his entire vocation ideal here. His power isn't for everyone. It wasn't for John Fox, who did numerous things well after Elway employed him as mentor in 2011, incorporating winning 46 recreations in four years. Elway's questions started after Fox turned traditionalist on offense and his guard blew scope in a January 2013 playoff crumple against the Ravens. The following year at the Super Bowl, following seven days of disrupted practices, Elway had a terrible inclination. The morning of the amusement, he woke up at 3 a.m. in a dull frenzy in a dim New Jersey lodging room. He knew his group wasn't sufficient. He wasn't adequate. His companions say the offseason after Denver's Super Bowl XLVIII misfortune to Seattle was as hopeless as any in Elway's life. It harkened back to being mortified as a player who had lost three Super Bowls. Elway gets calm when he's in a terrible state of mind, arranges another drink, turns internal, reprimands himself, jokes in a nonjoking path about hopping off a building. "When you get more seasoned, you have an inclination that you're getting more brilliant," he says in his office. "You ought to be better. You should know more."

Elway wishes he had spent more time talking with his father about life off the field. "We had so many talks, but usually it was about football, how I can get better playing, rather than philosophical things," he says. PAUL SAKUMA/AP PHOTO A rising absence of teach under Fox incited Elway to now and again shout at the group since Fox wouldn't. Before a late-season hone in 2014, Fox swung to a couple of individuals on the sideline and asked, "Isn't winning the division enough?" half a month later, after the Broncos turned out level in a divisional playoff misfortune to the Colts, Fox found his solution. THE BAR STOOL is barely noticeable. Within Elway's steakhouse in the Cherry Creek neighborhood of Denver is generally dull and swarmed, and the stool gets moved around a considerable measure. Be that as it may, on most evenings, at the edge of the bar closest the terrific piano, sits one gold bar stool in an ocean of red ones. It's in memory of Jack Elway. At the point when John sits on the stool with a Dewar's stones, it shreds him that his father isn't there with a martini, envisioning, plotting, chuckling. Jack gave John the first and last exploring reports of his profession. On the principal day of ninth grade, he dropped him off at school and asked what position he'd play. "Running back," John said. Jack shook his head and moved the Impala into stop. You're not as quick as you used to be, Jack let him know. "After fifteen minutes," Elway says, "I escaped the auto a quarterback." Decades later, in May 1999, Jack and John sat at the bar in Elway's home. Following 16 years in the class, Elway had everything except resigned in his psyche, tired of the torment and granulate. Yet, he required a last judgment. John had stopped a game just once, when Jack revealed to him it was OK to resign from the wrestling group in eighth grade after a match with an adversary who noticed. Presently Jack could recognize easily that the amusement wasn't as fun as it used to be. Now is the ideal time, he said. John called Bowlen that night to break the news, and father and child remained up all that night exchanging old stories, praising a vocation that neither of them could have anticipated in the stopped Impala. "It'll take five years," Jack dependably said. Five years to get over the opening left by football. Elway got ready for it, even before he resigned. He ran his auto dealerships. He dove into golf. Companions say he went to such huge numbers of competitions he was home in retirement not exactly in his playing days. In any case, it felt discharge. "I required a concentration," he says. Shanahan let Elway into the draft space for half a month in 2001. He sat close by his father, at that point a Broncos scout, talking ball. On a Friday without further ado before the 2001 draft, Jack escaped to Palm Springs, California, for the end of the week. He passed on of a heart assault two days after the fact, on Easter morning. Presently when Elway contemplates his father, he wishes they had invested more energy discussing life past the field. "We had such a significant number of talks, yet as a rule it was about football, how I can show signs of improvement playing, as opposed to philosophical things." His mom, Jan, once said that John developed to be more similar to his father as he matured. Elway's basic to win at all undertakings increased with age instead of dispersed. He construct his way to deal with exploring in light of Jack's brilliant control: "Search for heart first." When Elway assumed control over the Broncos, numerous near him pondered whether he was sufficiently savage for the activity. Jack was "faithful to a blame," Elway says, and was let go at Stanford in the 1980s since he declined to flame his associates. In February 2015, when he requested that Peyton Manning take a compensation cut, John Elway contemplated his father and thought about how to measure the insightfulness required in the activity with the expectation of satisfying the standard set by his dad. "Such a significant number of times, I say, 'alright, what might Dad do?'" he says. Elway dependably had confidence in Manning. He put stock in him enough to exchange Tim Tebow after a playoff win in 2012 and to give Manning a $90 million contract when the future Hall of Famer could scarcely toss an inclination. He adored Manning's hard working attitude and exchanged amongst beguilement and irritation at his controlling identity. The two contended about issues as moment as how the Broncos would illuminate players they were being cut after the group had yanked a couple of players off the field amid training warm-ups. At that point, in their 2015 playoff surprise of the Broncos, the Colts hit Manning low and hard on his first pass, square on his torn quad. Keeping an eye on tossed a great deal of blur courses whatever is left of the diversion, the favored go of a quarterback seeing phantoms. In the wake of the misfortune, Elway asked the 38-year-old Manning to do what Elway himself had done at age 38: take a compensation cut, allegedly from $19 million to the $10 million territory, the vast majority of which could be earned back in rewards. Elway guaranteed to utilize the cash to fortify the list.

He needed Manning to hone less and rest more, to pass less and hand off additional. The vast majority of all, he needed Manning to confront reality. "All the immense competitors, they would prefer not to concede anything," Elway says. He was more limit than vital with Manning, as he regularly may be, and the transactions wound up tense. Keeping an eye on told staff members he didn't think his manager saw how much year-round function he put in to help his body. Elway told individuals in the building he was set up to proceed onward to Brock Osweiler. The arrangement turned into a trial of Manning's will to win, and of Elway's capacity to close. In 2012, he had sold Manning on the Broncos by promising to enable him to end up "the best quarterback ever." Now he took a stab at addressing Manning as Jack would, to be "a man of his statement" who "had the capacity to request that the correct inquiries find the correct solutions." Elway could see the phantoms Manning proved unable. He knew Peyton would be afloat in the wake of leaving. He knew the wiring that helped him accomplish statures in football would plot against him after he resigned. They both knew Super Bowls are the main thing individuals recall. "Would you like to be viewed as superior to Brady?" Elway inquired. "Titles will be the sudden death round." They settled at $14 million. Elway utilized the cash to support the hostile line, marking protect Evan Mathis. He was unobtrusively assembling an extraordinary group by endeavoring to satisfy his dad's heritage. What's more, his own.

John Elway might have more job security than anyone in the NFL. But he knows this will likely be the last meaningful job of his life, and he knows the iron rule of football is that it always ends on its terms, not yours. A few nights earlier, Mike Shanahan walked with me down a long hallway toward the trophy room in his home. "I never come in here anymore," he said, turning on the lights. Two Lombardi trophies sat in a showcase on the wall, glistening but somehow cold. Nobody could touch Shanahan when he won those Super Bowls as head coach of the Broncos in 1998 and 1999. But he's since been fired twice and recently lost out on the 49ers job when San Francisco opted for Chip Kelly, the younger guy. "It's OK," Shanahan said. But when the business of winning and losing is the essence of your life, a part of you feels like you're dying when it's taken away. "The line in the NFL is this thin," Shanahan said, holding together two fingers.

Now Elway looks at his favorite memento in the office -- a picture of his toddler grandson wearing an orange No. 7 jersey -- and says he feels "officially older" in a young man's game. Ask him how long he'll remain in this job and he says, "I don't know. ... Once I get to be 65, 70 years old. How am I going to fulfill that urge to compete?"

He twists in his chair. His voice lowers.

"I think about it all the time."

ON A FRIDAY morning in June, the Broncos' facility in Englewood is dark and quiet. Most of the staff is off, given a three-day weekend. At the end of a windowless hallway in the main building, there's a white glow.

It's Elway's office.

“So many times, I say, ‘OK, what would Dad do?’”

- JOHN ELWAY

He's been here for hours. His eyes are pink and worn. He looks sallow. He yawns. There's a quiet desperation to life in the NFL. What's often romanticized is actually mundane. Long hours staring at video of yesterday's practice. On another TV in the office is live coverage of Muhammad Ali's memorial service. Elway watches practice, zipping through plays from different angles. He's distracted by the service. He didn't grow up an Ali fan. In 1979, Jack told John to get his ass down and register for the draft and he did. But he seems drawn to Ali now in death, as a cultural touchstone, as people debate his impact. It seems to briefly make Elway reflective. How will he be remembered? How does he want to be remembered?

A staffer peeks his head in, reminding Elway of a coming tee time. Elway glances at the clock high above the door. "Thanks," he says. He doesn't get up. He shifts his aching knee and fixes his eyes back on the practice film. A rookie fullback snares a high pass. Elway rewinds. Replays. He seems pleased, energized. He moves to the next play.

The tee time comes and goes. The Ali coverage ends. All that's left is John Elway, alone and looking alive.

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