#non essential to the story but also we all also blared emo/metal songs and i screamed so much i was loosing my voice

[plantley]

ive had a bit of crush on my guy friend for a few months but ive been basically ignoring it and brushing it off as the wires are crossed and i dont actually like him, its only that he's one of my only guy friends and that i trust him so much, not a crush. and i cant have a crush on him because i dont date friends as a rule because it ruins the friendship and friend group. and theres no way he liked me too.

we had a fourth of july party, and especially towards the end of the night i thought there might be a little something. my legs were on him like kinda in his lap bc the couch was crowded. we were talking a lot, and at one point he went to grab my sunglasses from hanging on my tank top and like basically right between my boobs so like kinda intimate. but also literally all of our friend group is quite touchy and affectionate we everybody and we were drunk, so like none of that really was for sure that he liked me, but it felt different.

but the next week at trivia, he talked about dating apps or a girl he was talking to, so i took that as he obviously didn't like me and it was nothing because he was interested in other girls not me. so like id literally encourage him to get like the waitress' number and gave tips on talking to girls. like a month ago, my car broke and one week my friend allison gave me a ride and the 2 weeks after that max did, and its out of the way for both but i was like wow i have such good friends.

this saturday was allison's birthday party, and max said he was going to drive the 45 to pick me up and then 45 back to his and allisons place. and again thought, wow i have good friends and allison would have been sad if i couldnt be at her party. we all played beer pong, drinking games, just all hanging out and having a good time with everyone. i was crushing on max and was basically trying to see if itd be like last party and maybe there was something. i sat by him in our circle intentionally and kinda being more touchy than normal. but nothing either of us were doing were like obviously out of character and like clearly flirting.

part way thought the night, like 11 or 12, allison pulled me into her room and said "omg i just had an REVELATION! you and max need to hookup, tonight. yall have cute chemistry and now hookup and make it happen" and i was flabbergasted! like she knows my hard stance on "its a bad idea to date friends" so i tried arguing and like just making shocked stuttering noises, and before i could protest so much she grabbed me and pulled me back out to the party right by max, and she was smug like just do it.

but that had me thinking maybe its all in my head and like there is something there and maybe max likes me too. like if allison sees enough that she'd say that, its gotta be something. i kept acting the same way i was all night and now was just overthinking him even more.

towards the end of the night, like 2 or 3, some people went home, some were getting ready for bed, or just in smaller groups to talk in and it was just me and max talking. i was planning on just crash on the couch with julia, like normal, but by this point it definitely felt like there was something and he wanted to tell me but he couldnt. after a bit, he nervously asked if i wanted to be like cuddle buddies for the night and i said sure. we put on buffy the vampire slayer and cuddled for a bit but pretty quickly facing each other and having a real talk.

some of the details are a blur, but he was saying how he didnt want to pressure anthing or ruin our friendship, etc etc and hes fine with whatever i want and hes just so happy to be holding me and has wanted this for so long. i was like absolutely shocked still because i couldnt believe he liked me too and had for a while. he was so absolutely so sweet, but was so scared that its going to ruin things and i completely loose him as a friend but i was 100% comfortable and even leaned in to kiss him first and it was off from there. we kissed and cuddled the whole night and he was so fucking hot. he straight up tossed me to the other side of the bed. omg.

it was so sweet. the next morning we still were able to banter and tease each other. we did have to walk out the room and talk to all of our friends just knowing we got together and were dying for info, but i still didnt know what i entirely thought and didnt want to kiss and tell. i walked out to the patio with all the girls and they excitedly asked "omg what happened, SPILL" and i said "nothing happened, okay not nothing happened, something happened, just not everything", but i did tell them it was just like a sweet and wholesome night. like he seems to like me so much and has been just waiting to let me know and he said something like "you had to have felt something at the 4th of july party too" so it wasnt just in my head and he felt that too, and i would love to date him like proper bf/gf but i am so scared ill lose him and ruin the friend group and everything is going to go wrong.

but he drove me back home and we got dunkin on our way, and said he was going to take me to work too but i was like no way itll take me like 20 min to get ready, ill just get an uber. and he was like, nope i have nothing else to do, ill wait and im dropping you off. so i showered and got ready. i had to cover a hickey, and it was my first one bc i always say dont give me a hickey but he gave me a little one anyway. when i came back out to the car i gave him a hard time that he's not allowed to give me hickies bc im simply not good enough at makeup to cover them up, and he joked that its not worst than my birthmark on the other side of my neck.

he dropped me off right in front of my work and i gave him a kiss goodbye and he said something and i said "youre too sweet". i was reeling my entire shift trying to pros/cons whether its a good idea to pursue this. on my pros/cons list, at first all i wrote under both columns "its max". i see my therapist on wednesday and hopefully she can help me sort through this. i finished the pros/cons and both sides are pretty full. i think next time we see each other, well have a real talk about this and i think i want to like a trial period and like try going on a proper date and couple-ly things and if that goes well then actually date officially. i want to take the romantic mushy things slow so we have time to navigate. and have an easy out/get out of jail free card at any point so we dont feel stuck and call it off if things feel weird or mess with the friend group or arent compatible, etc.

honestly in hindsight, some things kinda add up that it was probably him liking me not just normal friends. also im pretty sure he'd totally told allison he like me and theyre in cahoots. i want this so bad, but im so scared to lose him. ugh i am loosing my mind over this, and being away from him and having to think if this is going to ruin everything is putting my stomach in loop. it feels so natural with him. this feels so cliche and sweet that its like something out of a sitcom.

like thinking about it, we make a lot of sense together. both have been through fucked up shit and can relate and joke about it with each other. were outdoorsy and talk about moving out into the middle of the woods. we are extraverted but if we run out of social battery were totally done. hes talked so sweetly about wanting a wife and doing everything he can to love and protect her and make her happy, its so precious. hes truly such a sweetheart. this is gonna kill me