#nongu

[wjbs-bonkle-au]

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Warning! I might get some stuff wrong, and also I'm only covering the surface-level stuff.

Ok so once upon a time a planet blew up into three parts, so a bunch of misogynistic scientists made a big robot powered by Magical Mercury and sent it to space so it could learn how to fix their planet.

Meanwhile, inside the robot there was a massive civilisation of li'l guys, superheroes and old people. One little guy was a scientist who GLaDOS'd himself and accidentally made li'l guys sentient. One time a kaiju attacked the big li'l guy city, so the mayor summoned The Avengers to fight it, and they got to stick around for a bit, until most of them either died or went off to do their own things, leaving only Hoverboard Superman, Green Man and Murdery Ghost Lady. Green Man got mutated and turned into Green Crab Man because he fell in love with a sexy lizard he was training. Green Crab Man and his accomplice The Amazing One-Eyed Bear went back to the big city and decided to help the mayor (who was actually Satan in disguise as the actual mayor) take over the world or something. Hoverboard Superman, knowing that shit was about to get real, gave some magic rocks to six li'l guys (Angsty Blacksmith, Some Random Teacher, SCP Employee, Crash Test Himbo, Smug Carver and Astrology Twink) to turn them into the New Avengers. Also there are, like, Xenomorph Robocops I guess. After a quest to gather magic frisbees so Angsty Blacksmith could forge a face-mounted time-machine (during which it was revealed that Hoverboard Superman got turned into an old person), Satan decided to vore Green Crab Man, One-Eyed Bear and his pet bird, oneshotted Hoverboard Superman, and then got sealed in a glass bubble by the New Avengers.

You'd think this would deal with Satan forever, but then that sexy lizard and her husband (*canned audience gasping*) and also an army of spiders showed up and took over the city, and the former was, like, super hot for Satan, so she scraped a bit off his glass bubble and put it in her cleavage (I am only slightly exaggerating). The New Avengers came back to get all the li'l guys, but the spiders captured them and brought them to sexy lizard's house, where the spiders then turned them into furries. After the team met some scalies (who used to be Satan's own personal praetorian guard before he turned evil) and trekked all the way to Some Temple to meet The Key To Nongu (who can reverse mutations), Angsty Blacksmith turned evil and became the sexy lizard's catboy sub (again, only slightly exaggerating). He then turned good, the sexy lizard's husband was killed so hard that he canonically couldn't even go to the Dead Space nightmare space-station that functions as the Bonkle afterlife, and the New Avengers went to The Beach That Doesn't Make You Old and became old people the old-fashioned way; by sacrificing their power to wake up the li'l guys. But Satan was also freed...

Way-too-long later, everyone lived on a nice island. But there is... a prophecy. Namely, that 6 special superheroes will show up and kick Satan's ass. Angsty Blacksmith - who Has Visions™ - sends a weird kid (whose colours don't seem to match everyone else's) on a quest to summon the special superheroes. He does that, but loses his memory and goes on a fun adventure. Meanwhile, the special superheroes have shown up, and are fighting off Satan's possessed animals. They go to a cool temple thing and fight Satan, but then that weird kid wakes up some evil armadillos that start CLEANing IT ALL, so the special superheroes fight them, but after putting their queens in a cage, they get dunked into some Magical Mercury that turns them into super-special superheroes. But there is... another prophecy, namely that someone will become the seventh super-special superhero, so that weird kid goes on a quest with this guy and a giant crab, and surprise! Turns out that the weird kid - who I haven't linked an article about up until now because it would be a spoiler - is actually the Seventh Superhero! But boo hiss etc., Satan has sent his evil prawn-man underlings to attack the island, so Seventh Superhero beats Satan up by playing hockey at him, and everyone goes back to the big city.

A few months later, the special superheroes sail off into the west (actually the south), but no-one knows why, so six li'l guys (accompanied by Seventh Superhero) follow them and (with the exception of Seventh Superhero, who couldn't go all the way for Reasons™) they all end up on Frankenstein's Island, where Frankenstein tries to commit body-horror on them until they get saved by an insane li'l guy, who shoves them into tubes and sends them to Scary Island.

On Scary Island it was born to the collective of the dawn there are some messed-up shark dudes who have been pretending to be superheroes, but really they want The Macguffin for Reasons. Also one of them is extra messed-up, because he was split off the blue shark dude, and is chained to a giant spider in a cave. The six li'l guys (who are now Electric Superheroes because the Dead Space Space-Station Afterlife shot them with lightning) fight the shark dudes, fight the extra messed-up one and get The Macguffin, but then they go underwater and do some stuff down there (including meeting a li'l guy who turns into a duplicate of a prison warden who died millenia ago), and quite frankly I know very little about the story from 2007 to the end of 2008, so I'll just say that they get the Macguffin, but one of the six Electric Superheroes realises he needs to sacrifice himself to wake up God (no really). He does that, everyone goes back to the big city, and the six special superheroes (and the Seventh Superhero) go to some electric caves and get split up, with half of them fighting three vampire dudes and half of them fighting three bug mutants. They wake up God, but uh-oh, Satan takes over, puts God into the Macguffin, and shoots him out onto the broken up planet.

So anyway God incarnates, meets some guys, fights some guys, and takes control of a smaller giant robot, then kills Satan with the moon. A moon.

Anyway that's Bionicle, I'm going downstairs to watch Breaking Bad.

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juice world sharjah