#not giving you sauce on this cus it feels mean to put that lady on blast ADHSHS. you can pirate the book 3 artbook on popular comics

[allgremlinart]

honestly one of the big reasons I love having the korra and atla art books is cus they always add an extra layer to the discourse. "Asami was drawn to be in full face makeup while sleeping/in her pajamas, that's such a funny sexist misstep" AND thanks to the artbook I know that this specific character model/turnaround was created by a woman. #feminismloss

[spidercakes]

Here’s a fun college (Tony)/high school (Peter) Tony/Peter AU :)

*

Ned looks suspicious and he totally shouldn’t, Peter makes good life choices except that one time he drunk made out with Flash but that’s half on Flash and it was back to the regularly scheduled Flash being a dick afterwards anyway. So really, it wasn’t like that bad life choice panned out any it was just a weak moment. “Since when are you dating someone?” he asks. Liz and MJ lean forward in interest but probably for different reasons. Peter doesn’t think MJ’s interest in people in crisis is normal but what’s he know?

“Since the weekend,” he says, smiling a little. Tony kind of has a reputation so he didn’t really know what was going on, and he’s in MIT so there’s that to consider but they worked it out eventually. Its not like he couldn’t afford all his gifts to Peter so he hadn’t really thought much of them even if he secretly hoped it meant something. Tony had admitted to enjoying spoiling him anyway because he always looked so surprised about it.

Predictably Ned looks offended about this. “You ditched building the Death Star with me to go hang out with your boyfriend?” he asks.

Which like, kind of. “Ned, we can build the Death Star another day,” he says without adding that Tony was only in town for a couple days anyway. Ned’s around all the time, Peter prioritized.

“But I wanted to build it Saturday,” he says, upset.

“Ned, we will have like four three day weekends coming up,” he points out. “We can build it then. Or procrastinate on our chemistry reports and build it instead of doing school work,” he points out. They both know that’s what they’re going to do because they both hate writing lab reports so he shouldn’t look so wounded.

“So how come we’ve never met this guy?” MJ asks.

“And how come you haven’t given him a name?” Liz adds.

Because Tony’s not in New York most of the time and he’s not telling his friends he’s dating Tony Stark Ned would have a heart attack and Peter’s not ready to live a Ned free life yet. Or ever.

“’Cus he doesn’t exist,” someone new says and they all turn to see Flash leaning out of his chair at the table across from them.

“He does so Flash, stop eavesdropping,” Peter tells him.

“Yeah, Parker? Okay, then. What’s his name? George Glass?” he says, incredulous.

“No, Tony Stark,” Peter says, just as sarcastic even though its true. Why is it that Flash can never mind his own business?

Flash snorts, “oh my god, could you imagine? Seriously, he would not stoop that low,” Flash says, fully confident despite the fact that Peter knows he’s wrong. He can’t help the small laugh he lets out, which obviously confuses Flash but whatever. “So what’s the guy’s name?” Flash asks, raising an eyebrow.

“None of your business, Flash. Go back to failing English,” Peter tells him. Its Flash’s one weakness and he immediately looks flustered.

“I’m getting a seventy two!” he says, irritated.

“Dude, I’m getting an eighty five and I sleep through most of my classes how are you getting a grade that low?” Ned asks and he even manages to pull off looking serious about it too. Peter knows he doesn’t sleep through English, he really likes the classics and always knows more than the rest of the class but Flash isn’t in his class so he doesn’t know that. He also knows Ned’s grade is higher than that.

Flash makes an irritated noise, “shut up, Leeds. Your best friend sucks.”

Liz frowns, “you’re off your game today, Flash. And Peter’s boyfriend is none of your business,” she adds, but more gently because she’s a nice person.

“He’s my business, what’s his name?” MJ asks, looking more interested than she normally is in this stuff. She claims being overly obsessed with who is sleeping with who is a distraction from real world issues. Peter thinks he can care about both because that time Liz and Flash almost dated threw him for a loop. But Liz’s dad scared him off pretty much the same way he had with Peter except Peter stuck around long enough to Liz to call her dad a dick and a misogynist for trying to control her dating life like she can’t make her own decisions. But in her dad’s defense they didn’t end up being compatible permanently even if Liz was also right. Now Peter’s pretty sure she’s dating MJ but neither have admitted to it.

“Why does everyone want to know so bad?” he asks.

“Because you ditched me for him,” Ned says.

“I just want to know,” MJ tells him.

“I’m kind of worried about you,” Liz says.

“Because he’s obviously fake,” Flash adds.

Peter rolls his eyes. “Oh my god he’s not fake,” he mumbles.

*

Tony laughs, “they think I’m fake?” he asks and Peter, on the other end of the video call, sighs.

“I didn’t even mean to make you sound fake but now they all think I made you up because I admitted to Ned that I like Star Trek better than Star Wars and that’s why they all think I skipped out on building the Death Star with him,” he says, dismayed.

Peter is adorable, far too pure for his own good but without the usual naiveté that comes with it. One of Tony’s favorite traits, actually. “I hope you know that’s hilarious. Rhodey thinks you’re made up because you sound too nice.” He is, Tony thinks, but he’d rather someone be too polite than act like ‘asshole’ is a replacement for a personality.

“I’m not too nice!” Peter says like he doesn’t probably help old ladies cross the street or something equally stereotypical of nice people.

“Are too. Its not a bad thing,” Tony tells him.

“I can be mean,” Peter says. Tony’s pretty sure if he was he’d immediately cry afterwards because Peter isn’t at all mean by nature.

“Uh huh, I’m sure you’re a vicious creature,” he says, grinning.

“I am vicious when I want to be,” Peter says, apparently unaware that he looks like a human chihuahua.

“I totally believe that,” Tony says, having a hard time hiding his laughter.

Peter looks offended. “You should be more supportive,” he says and Tony can’t help it, he bursts out laughing.

*

Flash looks bored. “So you’re dating a guy in college? That’s what you’re going with, Parker?”

Tony is in college he’s not even lying about that! “Why is that so hard to believe?” That’s not even a weird thing, lots of people are in college.

“Uh huh, what’s he studying?” Liz asks, amused.

He’s not making this up, why do they think he is? “Engineering,” he says, not feeling like getting specific.

“Did the lab fumes go to his head?” Flash asks, snickering at his own attempt at a joke.

Ned throws a soy sauce packet at him. “Don’t be rude. The lab fumes obviously went to Peter’s head. Don’t look at me like that dude, like how old is this guy even?”

“Eighteen, Ned. Traitor,” he mumbles under his breath.

“Oh, so he’s doing a Bachelors degree,” MJ says, trying to put a time line together or something.

“PhD actually, he’s super smart,” Peter says.

Flash snorts, “oh he’s dating a genius!” he says, disbelief obvious and Peter can’t even say anything because he doesn’t blame Flash for that one. He’d probably think he was making that up too.

“That would be a stupid lie,” he mumbles because it is. Why would he lie about something that sounds so fake that’s dumb.

His phone buzzes and MJ leaps for it. “Ha! Proof of the boyfriend. His name is Tony,” she says, passing the phone off to Liz with no regard to Peter’s privacy he guesses.

Liz scrolls through the messages and Peter swears to god- “Oh, okay. I didn’t need to see that,” she says, a red tinge coming to her cheeks and Peter turns bright red.

“Stop reading my phone!” he says, embarrassed. Flash snatches it next, looking at the screen and his eyebrows fly up.

“Jesus Christ Parker, you kiss your aunt May with that mouth? Go to church,” he says as Ned snatches the phone.

“Oh ew, sexting,” he says, wrinkling his nose before he deposits it back in Peter’s lap.

“No one needed to see that,” he mumbles.

“Well, at least we know he exists even if we all have to live with... that forever,” Flash says, looking disproportionately haunted by this.

Peter is the one who should be haunted all his friends read at least two rather intimate messages to Tony and he’d say that’s what they get for invading his privacy but also he didn’t want anyone to see those. They fall into awkward silence for a few moments.

“I hope you all know I hate you,” he tells them.

*

Tony thinks its funny that Peter’s friends think he’s fake. Or did, until they got into his phone and Peter’s cheeks had turned a shade of red Tony didn’t know humans were capable of turning. He can take a guess as to what they found and Peter might be embarrassed but he’s always been pretty shameless so he doesn’t really care. So now they believe he exists even if they seem to have maintained that Peter is lying about everything else and he doesn’t think these people know Peter well. He’s basically incapable of lying unless its by omission.

So he figures he’ll have a little fun and someone is bound to find out about their relationship and leak it to the press anyway so Peter’s friends might as well find out first. The good news is that bypassing high school seems to have been a good thing because Tony thinks this whole set up is hideous and he hates it but its a necessary evil. Peter, surprisingly, is not difficult to locate standing next to a group of people who are giving him incredulous looks.

Tony grins as he walks over, smiling wider when Peter spots him and looks relieved. “Thank god, can you tell them you built a semi-autonomous AI because they don’t believe me,” he says, gesturing presumably to his friends.

“Yeah, I did do that. Pissed my PhD supervisor right off because he told me it was impossible so I guess he can kiss my ass,” he says, grinning.

Peter looks pleased with himself before that turns to something akin to surprise as he realizes normally Tony isn’t around to confirm his stories. Tony decides to bypass the questions by reaching out fo Peter, hooking an arm around his waist as he pulls him in for a kiss. Its soft and slow, the way Peter likes it and he melts into it easily. He wraps his arms around Tony’s neck, tangling a hand in his hair and Tony’s got plans for him later but for now he figures maybe he should get back to Peter’s friends probably staring at them. So he nips at Peter’s bottom lip and pulls away, earning an upset noise from him for doing so.

He smiles at Peter and gives him another soft, chaste kiss before he turns to his friends. “Do you guys believe him now?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re dating Tony Stark?!” the one with the mathletes jacket asks, voice going shrill at the end of that statement.

Peter shrugs, arms still around Tony’s neck. “I told you that forever ago, Flash you just didn’t listen.”

The one with the curly hair turns to her companion. “You owe me twenty bucks, Liz. I was right.”

Liz, presumably, looks at her like she’s nuts. “You said you were only sixty seven precent sure!”

“Well now I’m one hundred percent sure,” she says.

“Okay, I forgive you for ditching building the Death Star with me I would have ditched you too,” Ned, Tony assumes, says.

Peter’s cheeks are a little red, unused to the attention he’s getting, but he also looks happy and that’s what Tony was going for.

[mahalidael]

Heart Attack #1: It’s Over, Romeo! I Have the High Ground

Content warning: Swearing, injury, brief mentions of sexual content.

What if you could share a body with your soulmate? Sounds like a fun story, but for Kanon and Stephanie, it's reality--a painfully awkward reality, especially because they hate each other and now they have to fight crime.

It all started when I broke Stephanie Lemaire’s wrist in study hall.

When I moved to Kansas, I noticed there were a lot of jocks, a lot of girls, and an overwhelming number of jock girls at my school. At the time, I had no idea why there were so many, I was just afraid to talk to them—and for some reason they liked congregating in Ms. Parker’s classroom.

Security during study hall was lax. A lot of people just wandered around in the hallway convening with friends. I think I was the only person who actually studied, no matter how much the flock of capes distracted me.

I don’t know exactly why they went to Ms. Parker’s room—maybe it was just convenient, but more likely is that people gravitated to Stephanie.

Stephanie had a surprising silhouette for a Kansas girl. She was about fifteen when I met her and her shoulders had already broadened out. She had firm features and a really butch way of dressing—I bet she would have looked like a football player if she cut her Dolly Parton curls, but she didn’t. She was also dumb as a box of hammers.

Never had one girl been blamed for so much. Every time I heard something about her, it was an answer to a question. “Why doesn’t the cafeteria have barbecue sauce packets any more?” “Stephanie was hoarding them.” “Why can’t we use duct tape on school grounds?” “Stephanie taped some kid to the closet door.”

I didn’t actually talk to her that much. Sometimes she would push me out of the way in the locker room, and for a while it was a game for the capes to bop all the short kids over the head in the hallway, but no real talking.

Usually when Stephanie’s meat ocean appeared, I was an easy target. I was fairly small, my hair was just coming in pink at the roots, and I only ever wore sweaters. On top of everything else, I’ve got a heart condition, and periodically turning purple if you over-exert yourself isn’t a recipe for popularity. So most of the time I’d get paper tossed at me, or somebody would make a Super Saiyan joke. Most of the time.

But a little more information, and keep in mind I didn’t know any of this shit at the time, but I heard all of this from Stephanie later on:

The high school capes aren’t an official club, because the school’s not allowed to sanction heroism, but they might as well be. They get together on Sunday afternoons and train their asses off preparing for the day that they too will get to fistfight a clown in a dark alley.

So that’s the set dressing. The conflict is the lacrosse team.

There are two kinds of jock in my high school: lacrosse jock and cape jock. The lacrosse team is mostly supers, so it’s only inevitable that they would feud, and today it had manifested in the form of an arm wrestling tournament in the middle of the room.

I didn’t hear the first part of the conversation, but apparently one of the greasier lacrosse players had challenged one of the capes and now it was just coming together. Winner of the last round got to pick the next challenger, and so it went.

These fights never last, and eventually it was less of a “what sports team is better” contest and more of a “supers are better than capes” contest. It was like Injustice: Gods Among Us but shittier.

I didn’t want to be pulled in, but it was one of those things that were so stupid you just couldn’t look away. The most surprising thing was that Stephanie won three rounds in a row, against three increasingly big lacrosse players. I knew that capes weren’t slouches, but holy shit.

It went downhill when they tied. “We need a tie-breaker,” greasy boy declared.

Stephanie was leaning back in her chair, sweating and red in the face. “I heard you the first time, asslamp; there’s no need to yell. Okay, are there any supers who haven’t gone?” She said, and then took a long drink of the bottle of Gatorade on her desk. I turned away and pretended to cough so it wouldn’t look like I was making eyes at her.

Of course, that act of repressed lesbianism was my undoing. As if cued, everyone simultaneously noticed me. Asslamp said: “Hey, nerd!”

“I—yes?” I sputtered.

“Are you a super?”

“Yes,” I said, before I could stop myself.

The capes erupted into laughter, and the supers groaned. I felt my face heat up. “I’m not gonna wrestle that,” Stephanie giggled.

And I thought “wow… now I’m obligated to kick her ass.”

I stood up, and I walked as confidently as I could towards an arm wrestling match with a girl twice my size, which wasn’t very. Honestly, I wouldn’t have passed a field sobriety test. I sat down and looked her dead in the eye. Everyone else was whooping like idiots.

She put her elbow on the table. “You ready to lose?”

I laughed nervously as I did the same. “No.”

“Wrong hand, short-ass.”

“I’m left-handed, is that a problem?”

Stephanie shrugged and put her left hand in mine. “Only if you make it a problem.”

Asslamp refereed. “Are you ready? On your marks…”

Everyone in the room was yelling now.

“Get set…”

I squeezed her hand a little harder.

“Go!”

…I wish I had something interesting to say about the ten seconds or so that I actually arm wrestled Stephanie, but really I was just internally screaming. Mostly because I was wilting quickly, and my arm was almost touching the desk, but also because I could not stop pumping myself up to kick her ass.

After all, how could I her beat me? She was so stupid, so arrogant, so blonde, so fucking cu—

And that’s when her arm hit the desk, hard. I could have sworn I heard a snapping sound, but it was lost in the sound of the supers cheering like wild animals. Eventually it subsided when people started noticing that Stephanie was both holding her arm to her chest and screaming bloody murder at me.

“What the fuck did you do to my wrist?!” Sure enough, it was bent strangely, in a way that wasn’t present before we arm wrestled.

Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck. “I’m sorry! It was an accident!”

The apology didn’t stop Stephanie from grabbing me by my sweater. “Son of a bitch, dude, fucking warn me! You know how much trouble we’re gonna get in now? If I get suspended one more time, I’m fucked!”

...Is what I think she said. Her voice sounded really far away for some reason, and all I could hear was a loud electric whine.

And then I apologized, and I apologized, and I said “I didn’t know I could do that,” and then I woke up in the hospital.

Smooth.

I got off easy with the school due to the medical scare. Apparently Stephanie’s parents didn’t sue because this kind of thing happens a lot, and it was a minor fracture. The doctor still made her wear a cast, though, which she made a point of flipping me off with a couple of times.

More confusing was where that sudden burst of strength had come from, and how quickly it had left. Best I could figure was that it was triggered by high stress, but trying to replicate the scenario produced nothing.

Maybe an outside factor had set it off, but aside from the actual arm wrestling, there didn’t seem to be anything unusual…

And then I had that thought that only teenagers and fraternity brothers can have:

Was I—was I being too gay?

I figured, no… it couldn’t be that. I mean, I’d accidentally jacked it to the thought of my first grade teacher once, but that didn’t cause any super-powered fireworks. Besides, whatever creamy feelings I might have had for Stephanie were killed after she made a habit of chucking orange juice cartons at me at lunch.

But I couldn’t be sure—until a few months later, on a biology field trip.

When field trip buddies were announced, we didn’t say anything on the bus, we didn’t say anything in the field trip line, and we didn’t say anything until halfway through the day when our group stopped for lunch. We were required to remain within twenty feet of each other, but otherwise we were completely ignoring each other.

I was like, holding a thing of yogurt, and then Stephanie sat down next to me, and she fished a bag of protein powder (?) out of her varsity jacket, and absolutely nothing else. She swallowed down the whole packet, then walked off towards the bathroom like it was nobody’s business.

Now, my dumb ass was still in that good Asian schoolgirl mentality, and field trip buddy rules said that Stephanie walking to the bathroom was absolutely my business. I jettisoned my yogurt and took off after her.

To give you an idea of what happened: the Kansas City aquarium has a cafeteria. Off that cafeteria, there’s a straight, darkened hallway. At the start of that hallway, there’s a ladies’ room—a ladies’ room that Stephanie was now breezing past, into the shadows.

You what fucking sucks about tall people? They can just strut off wherever they want, and us normal-sized people have to run behind them like idiots.

“Hey, wait!” I shouted as quietly as I could, to avoid getting myself in trouble.

By some miracle, Stephanie didn’t ignore me, but instead turned on her heel and faced me in the darkness, features set. “What?”

“Um…” She glared down at me. “Did you, like, forget your lunch, or…”

“That was my lunch,” she said in the same tone you would say something like “this town ain’t big enough for the two of us.”

“Oh.” Stephanie’s glare was sharp enough to cut glass. “I can buy you a banana or—”

She thrust her right hand towards me, as if asking for a handshake. I blinked. “Go on,” she said.

I carefully shook her hand, not sure what she wanted. She brought her left to her face in a gesture of frustration. “Don’t be stupid!”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what you want.”

Stephanie huffed. “If you wanna break my other wrist so bad, you might as well do it!”

Aw, man, this again. “I’m not here to break your wrist, I’m here because you’re wandering off into the unknown!”

She leaned into the wall, crossing her arms and looking at me like I was the densest girl she’d ever met. There was no light in the hallway, and the light of the cafeteria was very soft on her face. “It’s not ‘the unknown’ if I know what’s at the end of it. The tour isn’t going through this wing, but it’s still open.”

“Then dick around on your own time! We’re gonna get in trouble again.”

Stephanie puffed her chest out indignantly and planted her feet. “Okay. Go on. Go ahead and stop me.”

I took her hand and pulled hard as I could. Stephanie smiled, barely swaying. I went around to her side and tried pushing her back towards the cafeteria, leaning my whole weight into it, but she didn’t budge at all. All I accomplished was making myself aware that I was half her size.

“Where’d that arm wrestling strength go?” she said when I had finally given up, wheezing a little bit. I hoped I wouldn’t pass out again.

“Shut up.”

“We’ve got twenty minutes. You can’t stop me, so either you go back and get in trouble, or you see something cool and get in trouble. I mean, you’re screwed no matter what happens.”

I weighed my options. Maybe it was the super curiosity in me, but I really wanted to see what was at the end of that dark hallway. And Stephanie was dumb, but she was right. My biology teacher hated me, and if I went back and told her I would still get in trouble.

I took a deep breath. “Five minutes, then we’re gonna try slipping back into the cafeteria.”

“What makes you think you can drive a bargain with me?”

“If I remember anything from that time I broke your wrist, it’s that you care about getting in trouble.”

Stephanie’s expression seemed to do a little dance of panic and anger before getting schooled. “Whatever. Five minutes is good. Come on, follow me.”

She kept a firm hand on my shoulder, and her face was still very neutral, but she held onto me like she was scared I was gonna run off or try to break her arm again.

As we walked down the hallway, my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could see we were approaching a pair of doors at the end. They were painted black, and looking at them I thought it was a place that I wouldn’t be allowed to enter.

“There’s a reason,” Stephanie said when she reached the doors, “why this hallway is so dark, and it’s not because it’s closed.” She grinned at me. “You ready?”

“Ready enough.”

“Watch this.” She opened the door just a crack, and I saw a soft purple light in the darkness.

Vote and comment on Wattpad.

[luckylagerlegacy]

Lil Uzi Vert “Luv Is Rage 2″ Album Commentary

I’m excited that this Album is here… But at the same time it makes me a little bit sad that the twitter jokes about it never being released will cease now. I think I put the first Luv Is Rage mixtape as my rap album of the year in 2015, which makes it hard for me to know what to expect from this one. It’ll either be a classic, or an audio version of whatever Lil Uzi’s hair is doing right this very moment. Let’s not waste anymore time here, and instead just shoulder roll our way into Luv Is Rage 2:

1) Two:

Calling the first track on your album “Two” is a piss off, Uzi… But this song’s beat got the trademark accordion over it and I am instantly lulled into being okay by it. This track leads off right where Luv Is Rage ended,which is fire.. Sure, now he’s rapping about fame being poisonous and money being evil BUT shit slaps stupid hard and I can suspend my concern for his personal well being for at least as long as this song lasts.

3.5/5

2) 444+222:

EITHER SLOW DOWN WITH YOUR DIRECTIONS OR DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, MR UZI VERT. I’m also not doing math so your probably clever song title is completely lost on my dumb ass!!!!! This song has me voguing into a broken mirror while thinking about all the girls who have ever wronged me. I’m flash dancing in my back yard, nae naeing at the thought of my own death. This is a total stripper joint, but don’t be surprised if some of them dancers recognize the sadness in Lil Uzi’s voice and shake their titties wild mournfully and make all of the perverts watching reflect on their own shit.

4/5

3) Sauce It Up:

Coincidentally, this song title is exactly what I tell the drive thru dicks at Wendy’s when they ask me which one (1) sauce I want with my six (6) orders of the dollar menu  Five (5) piece nugget. This song is sort of about nothing, but it has the cutest fucking line lmao check it out: “I WAS ON THE PHONE, YEAH WITH PLAYBOI CARTI - COMMES DES GARCON, HEARTS ALL ON MY CARDI” lol that’s silly as hell I love it, who the hell calls a cardigan a cardi? Tegan And Sara fans do. I do. This is the first song on the tape that hasn’t made me want to call a distress hotline on Lil Uzi’s behalf.

3.5/5

4) No Sleep Leak:

This song stupid as fuck but in a good way. I just woke my dog up dancing to this song. That’s a real thing that happened. He raps about recouping all of his wealth in the span of a single night which is tight, but I often do the same. I can go from like .34 cents in my bank account to uhhh like a few hundred when it’s payday. It’s not that impressive, Uzi.

3.5

5) The Way Life Goes:

My girl is at her Aunt’s house in Maryland this week (holler at me if ur tryna rob her house while she’s gone just hmu she has an xbox) and I’m actually glad now, cus you have got to be missing somebody to truly grasp whatever the fuck Lil Uzi Vert is going through right now. Who the hell hurt you Lil Uzi Vert? Your hair dresser? Reese La Flare when you ripped his whole existence off and added KPOP to it?? Who the fuck did this to you lil guy??? Lmao this song goes hard as hell though I’m pouring out a tear for my guys rn over it. This one is hilarious to me tho cus he samples an “Oh Wonder” song, and it’s adorable to me that Lil Uzi Vert knows about some fabulist ass pop duo like the rest of us sad schmucks do.

4.5/5

6) For Real:

I’m assembling an interracial squad of dance teens to perform funny looking dance moves to this song while I stand behind the camera and jerk it side to side (not like that) whenever they do the dab. This song is the most stripped down, “normal” on the project I guess. It’s cool, but I like my Lil Uzi Vert to be manic and sad and weird. NEEEEEEEEXT

3/5

7) Feelings Mutual:

Oh wow we’re diving back into the sad drug stuff pretty abruptly here. Hold the fuck on I’m gonna google “Who Did This To Lil Uzi Vert??” gimme a second. Okay, nothing came up… But damn we gotta get this guy some mood stabilizers and a workout routine so he can start to turn that frown upside down. Nobody getting double toppy from models and driving ferraris should be sad. Even if he is like, five foot minus five. Nobody who’s friends with The Migos should cry, ever! They have their own chips! This song is very good though. Again, his sad shit is really effective so even tho he’s crying for help I’m gonna pretend he’s asking me to ignore his situation and dance instead!

4/5

8) Neon Guts (Feat Pharrell Williams):

Two things: I misspell Pharrell’s name every single time I type it, and whoooo shit Pharrrlel can make a goddamn track, even now that he’s more of a spiritual guide to XXL’s freshman classes than a hit maker. He took his gigantic cowboy hat off and donned the BDBC fitted for this one. This is gonna be the biggest song off this whole album, mark my words. Shit slaps dummy hard.

5/5

9) Early 20 Rager:

Oh hey, Lil Uzi named this song the same thing as my friend’s name their Birthday events on Facebook! Hopefully this song doesn’t make me get dressed up and go to 3 bars I don’t like. He says “FUCK YO GIRL ON CAM, GOPRO” which is hilarious. I want my POV porn to have an extreme sports edge to it now. I wanna see Mia Malkova giving head while jumping out of an airplane ASAP.

3.5/5

10) UnFazed (Feat. The Weeknd):

Dog I fucking hate the weekday. I -oh wow this shit slaps nvm I’m wrong.. Still tho if I catch you out here with XO gear on I am throwing it high up into an unscalable tree. One with mad prickles. He does say “Take three Xannies like a hattrick” on this which is super fucking lame and ultra Canadian of him. I know I said that the Pharalel track would be the biggest song on this album, but every white girl I know who does blow loves The Weeknd so this track is gonna go quadruple platinum.

4/5

11. Pretty Mami:

               This song boring as fuck! Maybe Lil Uzi not liking rapping anymore… Isn’t a good thing? I thought disenfranchisement meant bangers that would make me wipe tears away in secrecy at the club… But maybe, instead it means a lack of bangers?????????????????????????? Fuck man… I hate whoever made this man so sad.

2.5/5

12) How To Talk:

THIS BITCH! This song starts with the audio of some woman calling Lil Uzi Vert out for some shit that uhhh I’m not paying attention to. Somebody on 4chan analyze this woman’s vocality n stuff so we know who to speak to about making this guy sad. This song slaps tho, he’s all apologetic about treating her badly and jealous that she’s talking to a ball player. The beat is rad as hell. This is the mood I think of when I think of Lil Uzi’s music. More of this, less Pretty Mami.

4/5

13) X:

Metro Boomin and Pierre Bourne co-producing a Lil Uzi Vert track? I’m in clout heaven. Somebody fetch me a pair of those dumbass glasses that every future dead kid wears while they nod out on xanax. You know the ones? The Fallout 4 fancy lady joints. Thanks. Okay this song is golden and I will defend it no matter what the hell happens with the next two tracks. I’m doin all of Uzi’s dances as best I can to this, eating gummy bears, feelin cute.

5/5

14) Malfunction:

               In the first verse on this dreamy lil song Uzi says “ALL MY GIRLS DRESS LIKE THEY WORK AT HOOTERS” like it’s a good thing. If I’m worth millions of dollars, my many, many girlfriends would all be dressed in differently themed designer garb: One goth model with diamond encrusted tears, one pioneer thot with a golden pitchfork, a pair of ghost women wearing spooky Red Bottoms, etc. Let’s have some showmanship, please. This song is good though, the last ¼ of this album is picking it up.

4/5

15) Dark Queen:

Dark Queen is my favourite race in World Of Warcraft, so I’m stoked on this. The song is all about his relationship with his mother, and how it relates with his relationship with the music business instead of sick raids and fuckin uhhhhhhhh killin monsters? Idk I never played WoW I was too busy playing other videogames u fuckin dorks.

3.5/5

16) XO TOUR LIF3:

               *Crying* SHE SAID BABY I AM NOT AFRAID TO - *still crying* DIE! I forgot this song was on the album. Wow, what a fuckin banger. I want whoever reads this to make sure the lyrics to this song are etched into my gravestone (if I somehow don’t end up buried in an unmarked grave by a jilted lover and her new, tougher boyfriend) Ugh this goes so fuckin hard. This is one of the only songs that, if you have it as your ringtone and it goes off really loudly while we’re sitting next to each other on the C-Train, won’t earn you a dirty look and a subtweet. I want to celebrate the sadness in this song. You did it, Lil Uzi.

5/5

 FINAL SCORE: 7.8/10

This shit had some up and down moments, I’m not gonna lie. But, the good outweighed the bad. I hope Uzi finds the help he needs before his hair gets any more neon than it already is. We believe in you, lil fella.