#not my vibe though in terms of talking stuff so could prob never date and also she's straight too

[ofchlve-blog]

hiii everyone ! i’m lily, i’m nineteen years young, living in the est timezone, and my preferred pronouns are she/her ! i love everything about harry styles, trash reality tv, and my miniature dachshund :~) as a srat queen, i was so excited about this rp and now that i’ve been accepted i can’t wait to rp with yall ! below is information on my baby, chloe crawford ! if you’re interested in plotting, you can hit me up through tumblr ims or on discord @𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐧𝐨. 𝟏#5964 !!

⋆ ╰  another  year  at  hollingsworth  ,  another  year  of  the  big  six  rivalry  .  i  hear  that  CHLOE CRAWFORD  is  ensuring  KAPPA KAPPA DELTA  gets  a  solid  pledge  class  and  stays  at  the  top  of  the  ranks  .  oh  ,  you’re  not  familiar  with  HER  ?  CC  is  the SCARLETT LEITHOLD  look  alike  from  CHARLESTON  ,  SOUTH CAROLINA  .  apart  of  PC  ‘16  ,  she  is  majoring  in  DRAMA/THEATER  and  has  plans  to  STAR IN HER FIRST MOVIE  after  undergrad  .  it  makes  sense  they  pledged  their  house  ,  their  CHARISMATIC  &  ROMANTIC  attributes  make  them  perfect  matches  .  however  ,  their  FLIGHTY  &  SACCHARINE  attributes  keep  their  name  alive  on  greek  rank  .  if  you  don’t  catch  them  dancing  to  POST MALONE  -  SAM FELDT  at  a  fraternity  band  party  this  year  ,  you’ll  be  sure  to  catch  them  nursing  their  morning  hangover  at  THE KAPPA HOUSE  .  cheers  to  another  wild  semester !

ok i wanted this to be short but i LOVE intros so no promises >:)

chloe harper crawford was born on july 23, 1998 in charleston, south carolina. she is a cancer-leo cusp. her mother is savannah crawford nee harper, an ex-pageant queen, and her father is andrew crawford, of the charleston crawfords.

the crawfords are a veeeery old-money charleston family, and chloe’s father was one of their most successful outputs, running the family business perfectly. chloe and her younger brother braden (born three years after, and the heir presumptive to the crawford throne) were the crown jewel of their picture-perfect family.

chloe’s mother started training the girl the day she was born to follow in her footsteps as a future miss south carolina. despite having the perfect blonde curls and the big blue eyes, the pageant lifestyle didn’t come easily to chloe - she didn’t have the edge, that certain bite needed to slice someone open with a razor-sharp smile.

however, in this training chloe realized that she truly loved the stage, the spotlight, the adoration of the crowd. it didn’t take her long to channel that energy into acting.

though chloe struggled in school, acting made her feel at home. it gave her an outlet, a place to shine, unlike the classroom where she felt awkward and slow. as she grew, she learned to channel the confidence acting gave her into her social life, and suddenly she was the center of attention. being a pretty, rich blonde didn’t hurt either.

as chloe approached college age, it was practically a given that she would go to hollingsworth, rush kkd like her mother, major in something safe like communications or pr, marry a good southern boy, and return to charleston to continue the family legacy. however, she went against the wishes of her family and instead applied to nine different schools, all for their drama programs. she got into all nine, but ultimately decided to go to hollingsworth anyway.

hollingsworth proved to be a place chloe could thrive, that provided her with tons of opportunities. one such opportunity was a short film, written and directed by a semi-famous hollingsworth alum. chloe auditioned and got the lead role, filming over the summer before junior year.

she thought it would be nothing, just a bit of experience for her resume after she finished college and started the hard stuff. but when the film was shown at the new york film festival, it got surprise rave reviews and a lot of attention. suddenly, chloe was a hot commodity, and she’s had offers from major film studios, including a signed contract for a role she’s supposed to play just after she graduates from hollingsworth.

just as chloe’s fortunes were going up, however, her family’s were going down. the summer before her senior year at hollingsworth, the family business was exposed as having corrupt practices, and is on the verge of shutting down. though chloe’s father claims he knows nothing about it, he’s being investigated for fraud.

she’s very VERY nervous about interviewing, press appearances, and the general business of being a rising star. although she acts like a social butterfly and is a very charming girl, it doesn’t necessarily come easy to her. deep down, she still feels like the awkward kid in class, who doesn’t quite fit in or get it, no matter how hard she tries.

despite her high social standing due to being in kkd, she’s one of the sweetest girls you’ll ever meet. she definitely doesn’t subscribe to the idea that kappa girls are better than anyone else -- unless you cross her, she would never hurt a fly and in fact goes out of her way to be nice to people. she truly believes in the idea that everyone’s fighting their own battle and you don’t need to make it any harder for them.

despite that, if you do cross her, and do something major, the claws can come out. she’s not afraid to stand up for herself although she tends to wait a little longer than she should to speak out.

she’s a hopeless romantic and falls in love so fast. she loves being in love just as much as she loves the person she’s with. mostly, she loves being in a relationship and she gives her heart and soul to the person completely.

she’s not the brightest but she is truly kind and sweet.

she’s probably super involved in kkd! she lives at the house and like... probably is that girl who wears her letters everywhere and constantly talks about formals and frat boys. idk whether there’s like ‘positions’ in the rp but i could def see her as recruitment chair or social chair!

chloe is HEAVILY inspired by serena van der woodsen, cher horowitz, elle woods, and bianca from 10 things i hate about you !! she’s a bubbly blonde who has this magnetic appeal you just can’t say no to.

some wanted plots i have for her:

ok so i really want a squad !! like her best friends, ride or die, would do anything for each other ! they could be from any srat or frat, idc !

in the same vein... ex friends / enemies ! honestly chlo prob doesn’t have a lot of these bc she’s too much of a pushover to actually stop being friends w someone but like... maybe something big happened ? let’s plot it out !

party buddies / go-to formal dates ! just some people she really vibes with but maybe aren’t on the level of bffs

crush ! someone little hopeless romantic baby chlo has her eye on :~)

friends to lovers ! i am a SUCKER for this and would love it for chlo. give me a best friend who knows all her secrets and they end up... ~in luv~ ! bonus points if they’re both crushing and don’t know it

secret hookup ! is it an opposites attract thing ? do they just not want anyone to know ? PLS bring me this it would be so fun

(ex) - friends with benefits ! could be either current or a past connection, but would def be fun to work with !

exes - good terms or bad terms ! i love some fun romantic drama and this could def provide that !

co-stars ! ok so i posted THIS but like... imagine how GOOD this wld be... playing love interests but in real life they hate each other or have a crush or something jdfhksjdhf

[skylightsofmylife]

All of them you friggin Lovely lady ily

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

Kitchen counter if I could ever find a counter the right height. Gonna be a requirement for our house babe, good counter fucking height. 

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

Hella good cause it was with you!

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

Harley Quinn

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

Rain......

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

Probably public restrooms and kitchens

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________

My partner had been going down on me for like an hour and a half and their mouth was starting to get sore/tired and it was my first time. They told me they were starting to get sore and asked me if I was close and I had to say, “I didn’t know if it was polite to cum or not.” Then proceeded to have trouble cumming because I’d edged myself so long and was really nervous/embarrassed. 

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

One of my exes fingers.... they were just so long and I couldn’t stop imagining all the new places they could reach. 

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

Other. Pulling the other person’s t-shirt over their head so it blindfolds and binds them. 

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

Push me against a wall or do that low sexy whisper in my ear telling me what you want to do to me. 

10: Top or bottom?

Switch

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in]

We were about to send people home so we could have sex but then it turned into a birthday orgy. 

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

One can be enough but I like a lot of foreplay in that case and it has to be one of those really strong O’s that leaves you breathless and just wanting to curl up into them and sleep. Not necessary but definitely appreciated. 

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

Idk, both my parents have seen my sex toys so whatevs. I guess me. 

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

Little butter cause she was big butter. 

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

1) The textures! Oral gives so many more textures than anything else. The hardness of teeth, the dexterity of a soft tongue, the pressure of the lips/suction. 

2) That moment when they stop for a second and you have your hand on the back of their head. Your eyes meet and then you push them back into you. 

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

Probably the time an ex stripped me down to just underwear in front of guests not really with anyones’ permission. 

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yes, was less flavorful than I thought it would be. Mostly just salty with a slight tang I guess but ever so slight. 

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

Yes. For me there is zero chance of pregnancy and I trust my long-term committed partners as I always have people get tested first. 

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

7th grade English teacher. She gave off strong plant filled house, lesbian vibes and was adorably quirky. 

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

Maybe whipped cream? 

21: How big is too big:

Vaginally around 7 inches. Anally I have not really found a limit yet. Seems to be if I’m in the mood for it it’s gonna fit. 

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

Gun play

23: Biggest turn on:

See 9.... same question basically. 

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

1) Spot slightly to the left of my bellybutton (feels so good I have to be extremely comfortable with the person because too much and sex has to stop I cramp so bad). 

2) To the left and right of the vulva, where my inseam meets my pelvis. 

3) Neck

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

Never? 

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

YYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

Anal in a shower no lube.... yeah. 

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

When I start wanting to strangle someone from the noise. 

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

I’ve never cum from oral before, I can’t  believe you did that to me. 

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

I’m more of a trimmed natural V line of the genitals. It’s fun to have a little something to hold onto down there. 

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

Oh definitely. It’s not always about you. Sometimes it’s about your partner. 

32: Fill in the blank: “If they ____________, we are fuckin”

Put their hand under my shirt

33: What’s your favorite part of your body:

Right now my vagina.

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

Scratch me up. 

35: Love (>,

..........what? 

36: What do you wear to bed?

T-shirt and panties. 

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

Someone did my first time for me at like 12 or 13. 

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

If you want the answer look at my twitter. Shameless plug: https://twitter.com/SkylightsofLife

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

It’s been a hot minute. When I was 20? Somewhere around there. 

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

I have and would again.  

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

I have and would again. 

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

Nothing? 

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

Have and would again. It’s such the exhibitionist dream. 

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

Probs not. Maybe some up the skirt action with the GF masturbating for me if we could hide it well enough. 

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

Desire by Meg Myers. Yes, I am a freak. 

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

Rain

47: Most attractive celebrity?

Chyler Leigh

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Yes, but it has to be actual lesbian targeted porn. Not that crap for cis men. 

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

About three months old. 

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

Probably. Not that it matters. I’ve already “leaked” my own nudes. 

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

A dirty dish being in the room while my partner tries to do anything. 

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

Yes. Quite fond of the ones on my legs. Not to fond of the ones on my upper butt. Nobody has ever had a problem with them and if they did I wouldn’t keep them around long for shaming something so natural. 

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

FUCK YES. It’s just so much fun. Not really sure why I just know it’s one of my favorite things to do. 

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

Please. Just all of them. 

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

I’m perfectly okay with doing it but I want to know first so I can make it special and we are going to talk about it to make sure no lines are crossed. Just want the person to have a good first experience. 

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

Anything sticky. When you’re trying to make things slide easy sticky is the enemy. 

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

Nope. She sees it all. She can see anything I do I don’t care. We trust each other completely. It’s why we work so well together in my opinion. 

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

Yes. Too many to list. Basic gist things that go vvvvbbbbbb, clamps, vaginal and anal penetratives, and bondage stuffs. 

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

Sure. Have at it baby. I shit blog most of the time anyways but people seem to like it. 

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

No. They need to do whatever makes them happy. I don’t get a decision in that. I’m here to supplement their happiness not control it. 

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

Pornstar. I can’t do casual sex. 

62: Do you watch porn?

Yes, we already covered this. Who wrote these redundant questions? 

63: How small is too small?

Everybody has fingers and can use a dildo so nothing. 

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

Hell yes. For so many things. Being gay, being trans, my love of fluid play. 

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

The lovely Jessica. Hell yes. I kissed her as she was leaving to get on a plan knowing I wouldn’t see her for months. I cried lots. 

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

On a non-workday yes. I need mine for work. 

67: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Haven’t tried yet but in the right clothes probably. Don’t want something that’s gonna rub too hard. 

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

Nah. I can get down and dirty with the best of them. 

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Probably not. Solely for the reason it’s the one thing I can’t do to myself so it feels more special when someone else does it and it’s the one thing I don’t get into a routine of so every experience with it is different and new. 

70: Booty or Boobs?

Can I not have both??? Boobs more though just cause they are so good to lay on. 

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

Firehouse, cause everyone wants to slide down the pole in them. ;) I’m dumb. Ignore me. 

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

Yeppers. 

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

Nope. That shit sucks and too many people have done it to me for me to ever put someone else through that pain. 

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

Luna, cause I’m as pale as the moon. 

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

Not my parents but an exes parents. Was actually an orgy....

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

Burn it. 

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

Holy crap that’s huge. I love it. 

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do?

As a person who’s had both I don’t feel the need to answer this. 

Ps, fuck you Jess. That’s a lot of freaking questions. You owe me a night of you topping as punishment. 

[gayasianminimalist]

Dear past 3 Deanna’s,

Oh boy, this summer and past fall quarter I’m getting somewhere with everything in my life. Before I left for the summer I made this great elaborate diet and workout plan, and I’ve definitely gotten stronger in the gym. I’ve been able to lift more weight than my previous 3 years, so I’m proud of that!!! Still going strong with being pescatarian, I’m almost a year into it! I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon either. As far as academics I’m doing better than anticipated but I could definitely put in some more work these last 2 quarters. It’s crazy, I’m 2 quarters from finishing my undergrad studies, and I’m going to have to find a job soon! i want to start a job no longer than a few months after I graduate. I’m also highly considering moving to SoCal post-grad, I think I’ve grown to like it better than NorCal. NorCal has its ups for sure and I was raised there, but the weather and amount of things to do in SoCal has definitely increased its appeal to me. LA is where I’m looking at right now, but only time will tell when I’ll move in for sure. Other than that things seem to be going smoothly in terms of my academics. The real excitement has built up around my dating life. It’s definitely going somewhere, a lot better than my 1st 3 years in college. So around halfway through fall quarter, I matched with this girl named Tracy from Tinder. She’s super cute and we started to have a good convo on there. We eventually exchanged numbers and planned for a date. We went on a date 2 weeks later and we got tacos, but the downside is that she’s not going to be in SD long term. She’s moving to Seattle in February, so there’s not really a potential for a relationship. She seems very career driven at the moment. She did a very good job reeling me in with our convo and I ended up just going to her place and cuddling one night. That was a week after our, actually less than a week after our first date. We tried arranging another one but she flaked last minute. I went on another date with another girl named Catherine a week later??? After the cuddle night? Either way I only went on that one date and I found out from my little Aaron that he had a class with her. He doesn’t really like her vibes so I was caught a bit off guard. I was supposed to go on a date with her that morning before my dinner with Tracy, but that got cancelled too. It was probably bad karma that I scheduled two dates on the same day. Well in the end I don’t think it matter too much since nothing will come out of either of those interactions. Now over Thanksgiving, I started talking to a new girl names Janelle. I’m still talking to her currently and hopefully meeting her in the near future. I’ve called her once i think and we’ve facetimed several times already. I’m hoping something more progressive will come from that, but I’ll have to see. Now going off on a bit of a tangent, at the beginning of fall quarter Alison added me to a FB group called Subtle Asian Traits which is a group where all these millenials make Asian memes that everyone can relate to. This eventually lad to the creation of Subtle Asian Dating and eventually Subtle Queer Asian Dating (SAD and SQUAD). Basically on the dating pages people have friends/themselves write a post about them and advertises to the page in hopes that people will DM them and maybe start something good. So basically I posted myself and I started messaging people I found cute and wanted to talk to. I’ve talked to a lot of girls since joining the page but I’m only talking to about 3 of them now. One who I talked to because of EDM, one because her friend messaged me about her, and one who friended me first and I DM’ed. The last person I like talking to most, but she busy so can’t talk all that much currently. Her name is Gray and she’s a gamer. We’ve talked on the phone a couple times now but she’s from Florida. But she came from my hometown and she said she wants to move to LA after graduating. Realistically, I’m not sure anything will happen since she’s far away and still over there for a bit. So I’m interested in Janelle and Gray the most at the moment, and I’ll see how things play out from here. So that’s my dating life, event though there’s not much physical happening. I mean if they were both in SD I probs would’ve seen them already at this point. Janelle is at Davis for undergrad and she’s doing a 5th year there, so I also don’t know for sure if we’ll get somewhere. But we both love EDM, raving, and getting lit. And those are all kinda things I want in my girl. Anyways, yeah things have been going for sure and not sure where my last 2 quarters will take me, but I’m as ready as I can be. I just have to keep everything in some  sort of balance and keep being rational.

-Deanna Wong   12/18/18

Dear Future Deanna, 

I think right now you have improved tenfold from when you started college. Not sure I have much advice to give, well I probably can. Don’t let your love life, if one person becomes serious, overtake you so much that you forget about your friends. Maintaining friendships is very important, and you’ll need them there if anything goes wrong. You need to unplug more, I think compared to most people you aren’t too engaged in social media. But don’t let it take you away from productivity. Really enjoy you last couple quarters in undergrad, you’ll never get this time back once you graduate. As people say, some of their fondest memories come from college. I’ve had a lot of unforgettable moments, but there is never enough of them. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you think something has gone wrong. In most cases things turn out fine when you look at things logically and problem solve. Also it’s alright to be a bit emotional, that’s a part of being human. If you need to cry somewhere down the road, just do it. It doesn’t show you’re weak and it doesn’t stunt your positivity. Stay positive to everyone around you, don’t let pessimists get to you. There need to be that one person that can reassure everyone else that everything will be fine. I think this might be my final advice letter to myself for the rest of undergrad. Spring Break maybe in the Grand Canyon, in which case I don’t need to fly home. My dad can come through SD and then drop me back off there afterwards. In any case, good luck to you and your last 2 quarters at UCSD! You’ll do great and no matter what happens, you have come really far in life and there is a lot of great things to come! Peace out!

-Deanna Wong   12/18/18

Oh my goodness, to be honest I think my whole college experience has been kind of cheesy. I was talking about girls the whole time and honestly I don’t even talk to any of them anymore. Tracy and Gray either message me or I message them every once in a while. But yeah other than that most of the girls I talked to last year are just a blip in my memory now. Sometimes I wanna give up on dating and now more than ever I’m just focused on my career and having chill time in this covid-19 chaos. The gays are also all a mess I don’t know when I’ll find the right person anymore or I could just be forever alone that would be fine. I could myself some new advice for the future and see if I follow through. I followed through with a lot of my own advice back in the day, I guess in hindsight I roughly know where I wanna go in life. And I’m pretty disciplined and well-rounded as a person. I just wanna strive to be a better version of myself everyday. Might not want to do stuff everyday but that’s ok. I love slowing down and taking it easy. And y’all take it easy too, have a great Sunday whoever reads this!

[asdklgkgluck]

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.

[mytaggss]

9.9.16 (first)

4.15.17 (second)

1) What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers? me and amanda at cowabunga bay- me and katie out the car window

2) Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? no- no

3) What was your last text message? "yes it is"- yea but i still need to shower lol

4) What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? I have a career, leaving near a beach, or near a very nature area, and i am married and have a family.- i see the same thing or something like it

5) If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? i would be in hawaii or on a cruise.- same lol or with a friend

6) What was your coolest Halloween costume? my zombie costume sophmore year- same

7) What was your favorite 90s show? idk...- i don’t remember

8) Who was your last kiss? no one- Bruno

9) Have you ever been stood up? no- kind of yeah lol, but he said he fell asleep which to be honest that was probably fucking true, because he slept all the time, but he was too much of a pussy to go on a date with me lol

10) Favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough

11) Have you been to Las Vegas? yes I live here

12) Your favorite pair of shoes? my nikes- either those or my adidas, or my nude heels or my tan flip flops

13) Honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other? no, never had one- never really had one so

14) What is your favorite fruit? watermelon- same

15) Have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself dating/having sex with? If possible? no- no

16) Are you into hookups? Short or long term relationships? no, long term- probably long term in like real real life, i just like people i get good vibes off of tbh so whatever happens

17) Do you smoke? If so, what? no- i have smoked weed before and i’d smoke it again if offered, but im not an avid weed smoker or anything

18) What do you do to get over your anger? i calm myself down- same or i write it down

19) Do you believe in God? idk anymore, sometimes- eh idk

20) Does the person you're in love with know it? no, well I'm not really in love with them lol. i just like them.- i’m not in love with anyone

21) Favorite position? of what?- missionary for now, its the best feeling, especially when i wrap my legs and arms around him

22) What's your horoscope sign? scorpio

23) Your fears? heights, bugs

24) How many pets do you have? What kind? three dogs- same

25) What never fails to turn you on? well i've never had a person turn me on lol. but i feel like making out would probably turn me on I'm guessing?- making out or feeling me up, or just talking kind of dirty lol (but not in a cringy way)

26) Your idea of a perfect first date? something where we are moving and doing something fun.- same

27) What is something most people don't know about you? i had adhd- something i don’t tell anyone, i don’t even write it out

28) What makes you feel the happiest? when I'm with friends or laughing or dancing

29) What store do you shop at most often? maybe tillys? american eagle? it depends... i shop at a lot of stores.- pac sun, lush, forever 21, victorias secret, urban outfitters

30) How do you feel about oral? Giving and/or receiving? I would suck a dick. I don't know about receiving though, i mean maybe eventually... but like I would feel awkward at first for some reason, maybe a little like nervous idk.- i actually like giving, i was actually told the other day that it was like really good, like he barely believes that that was actually my second time lol. and i wont let him eat me out so lolol, idk i feel like it would be so weird, idk maybe i will let it happen eventually. 

31) Do you believe in karma? eh... i mean not really, but sometimes it just works out that way. so sometimes i do.- ehhhh in some ways 

32) Are you single? yes- yes

33) Do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize? flowers lol. flowers are so cute.- i love flowers

34) Are you a good swimmer? sure- yeah i think so

35) Coffee or Tea? probably tea, but i don't really drink either- tea

36) Online shopping or shopping in person? in person, but i sometimes shop online- in person

37) Would you rather be older or younger than your current age? younger of course, why would i want to get older lol?? that means less time to live!- hmm thats a hard one now lol, probably the same age tbh

38) Cats or Dogs? dogs

39) Are you a competitive person? sometimes- same

40) Do you believe in aliens? yes (well of other intelligent life out there, not specifically like little green aliens or something like that haha)

41) Do you like dancing? yes

42) What kind of music to you listen to? all different kinds

43) What is your favorite cartoon character? spongebob

44) Where are you from? henderson/las vegas

45) Eat at home or eat out? both, but lately a lot of eating out cause I'm at college all the time- i like eating out tbh, but sometimes i just really want a familiar food at home haha

46) How much more social are you when you're drunk? i've never been drunk- oh god lol, i am actually a really social person in general, but when i get drunk i am like on level 100 with my socialness and my touchiness and my happiness its really weird. like i am so caring and like i want to talk to people and everything like that lol. 

47) What was the last thing you bought for yourself? lush products/food(but food doesn't really count does it?)- these bralettes from VS

48) Why do you think your followers follow you? none do?

49) How many hours do you sleep at night? like 7 to 8 sometimes 6.- same

50) What worries you most about the future? that nobody will love me or i won't find a career that i like.- same

51) If you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends? probably not very long lol.- it depends lol, sometimes i’m nice and sometimes im mean to myself

52) Are you happy with yourself? eh, I'm working on it. i really really am.- same, but i have become more happy recently

53) What do you wish you didn't know? idk- nothing really

54) What big lesson could people learn from your life? That striving for perfection/or to look like someone else isn't important. Being the prettiest or the thinnest isn't important. What is important is to be happy and surround yourself with people you like and do things that you like to do. Seriously, just stop worrying what other people think of you, just be you and if that isn't good enough for someone then seriously fuck them. - same tbh

55) If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?i am not sure.- full house seems lit lol, and the nanny seems fun

56) What's your favorite Website? we heart it probably or youtube- or tumblr

57) What's the habit you're proudest of breaking? biting my nails, i went through a little phase.- i haven’t had any too bad of habits lately

58) What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles? wisconsin- probably wisconsin, i haven’t been many places lol

59) What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store? This lulu lemon crop top that was $14 dollars. keep in in mine that they are usually like $50 dollars and up.- yesss

60) What do you order when you eat Chinese food? orange chicken and fried rice or chowmein (usually steamed rice now)- yeahhh or NOODLESSS

61) If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? Nebraska maybe lol?- yeah lol 

62) If you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be? english/environmental science/well actually dance would be first.- or astronomy or psychology that would be cool

63) Favorite kind of chips? sun chips! or snap pea crisps.- same

64) Favorite kind of sandwich? turkey ham- or just turkey

65) Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus? dictionary

66) Have you ever been stung by a bee? no- no

67) What's your favorite form of exercise? dancing- or acrobatics/lyra/ pole

68) Are you afraid of heights? yes

69) What's the most memorable class you've ever taken? environmental science or brooklyn jai's classes- or my pole or lyra classes

70) What's your favorite breakfast? pancakes or waffles with my spreads. certain smoothies too.- ooh yes, pancakes are bomb

71) Do you like guacamole? sometimes- it depends

72) Have you ever been in a physical fight? no, well sort of yes actually. kind of with my cousin lol.- lol same

73) What/who are you thinking about right now? maybe getting some more food and how tired my eyes are.- going to haleys house, maybe getting some food cause im hungry

74) Do you like cuddling? i never had, but i seriously think i would like it.- yes its very nice, even though it sometimes gets hot lol

75) Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? nah- nah

76) Have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears? yes

77) Favorite city you've been to? Miami or los Angeles

78) Would you break the law to save a family member? probably yes

79) Talk about an embarrassing moment? lol i can't remember any off the top of my head. i try really hard to forget them so they don't come up unless i really really think. so i got nothing.- lol NOO

80) Are there any causes you strongly believe in? wild life preservation and environmental type things. As well as like animal sanctuaries- same

81) What's the worst injury you've ever had? pulled hamstring or straining my foot muscle or whatever.- same

82) Favorite day of the week? saturday

83) Do you consider yourself sexually open minded? maybe a little, well sometimes. idk in my mind cause i've never had sex so.- hmm it depends what you mean, i am open to talking about it with other people and stuff like that but i don’t want to weird stuff, i am pretty normal when it comes to that

84) How do you feel about porn? not really a fan to be honest, its kind of gross. but I'm not against it, i just don't watch it.- ehh its okay, i don’t really watch it anymore because it freaks me out a little haha

85) Which living celebrity would you like to know? idk- lana del rey prob

86) Who was your hottest ex? don't have one- don’t have an ex

87) Do you want/have kids? yes i want them- yes

88) Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you? no- no

89) Do you get easily distracted? yes- yes sometimes

90) Ass or titties? ass lol

91) What is your favorite word? idk- fuck

92) How do you feel about tattoos? they are ok- i like themm

93) Do you have any pets? yes

94) How tall are you? 5'6" or 5'7"

95) How old are you? 18- 19

96) 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot? nothing really lol. nobodies complimented me lately. like i don't get many compliments to be honest. usually on my clothes sometimes i do. i got one on my eyes recently even though hater how my eyes are (except the color, but thats not what they were complimenting) but yeah yikes lol. Sometimes i get compliments on my body when i wear certain things? i just don't remember compliments maybe? idk.. cause like barely any from my whole like come up. (but i know i've had some)- i get complimented on my eye color, my stomach, and my ass

97) Is there anything you're really passionate about? dance- being successful, having fun and having experiences, and my acrobatics and dance

98) Do you have trust issues? no- hmm i don’t think so

99) Do you believe in love at first sight? eh, i think there is like lust at first sight lol. but love is something that is gained lol.- nah

100) What are some words that you live by? Why? uhhh- if its meant to be, it will be