#not sure on the class yet maybe warlock ill figure it out

[dyketubbo]

so ive been working on that deltarune au

[revchainsaw]

The Crow (1994)

Alright Cult of Cult. Do I really need to introduce this one? Let's get all 90s and gothy and maybe brace ourselves for a bit of cringe, but like in a fun way. It's the Holy Grail of Hot Topic, 1994's the Crow Starring Brandon Lee.

Sermon

Apparently before the auto industry totally crashed Detroit was already a total fucked to death pile of burning shit, or at least that's what the crow would have you believe. Sorry Bruce Campbell, and other people from Detroit, but mostly Bruce Campbell. According to the Crow the city of Detroit is the kind of place where gangs of warlock anarchist arsonists will bomb buildings, and murder and rape whoever they feel like and then walk around bragging about it the next day with absolutely zero consequences. Funny then that if Detroit was so bad they had to go to film this movie in Wilmington North Carolina which is definitely a fucked to death pile of burning shit. I can say that, I'm from there and I got the fuck out. My brother is going to kill me if he ever reads this. (It's okay, these are all jokes people). Did you know they also filmed the Super Mario Bros movie there ... also cuz they needed a really shitty looking distopia. Moving on ...

The ludicrous criminality of the Crow's Detroit is particularly on display on Halloween. In Detroit (apparently) Halloween is known as Devils Night and it's legitimately just a night of pure lawlessness and chaos and kids aren't even safe to get candy, except later when we do see trick or treaters. Eric Draven, hunky goth rocker who sort of looks like he could be Bruce Lee's Kid and his fiance are murdered by a gang of vicious criminals. One year hence, Eric is resurrected by a mystical crow (that is actually a Raven), to exact his revenge on the gang that murdered him.

He paints his face like sad Alice Cooper and refuses to listen to Joy Division, just covers. He murders Tin Tin (a knife guy) just for his long gothy duster, he murders Fun Boy and forcibly ejects heroine from her arms and tells her "Go be a good mom now" which actually works. (have I told you about our Lord and Savior Sting? He gave me the strength to get off drugs), he blows T Bird up dick first, and then comes for Skab? Scraap? Scooby? in a meeting of all of Detroits villains and just about kills them all.

He is supported by the most 90s little girl to have ever graced the screen, and I am here for it, and Officer Albrecht, who's played by Ernie Hudson but I like to call him Zeddemore: The Most Underrated Ghostbuster. The leader of the bad guys, who I cannot beleive wasn't played by Brad Dourif or Tom Waits, is pretty interested in the occult. He keeps his witchy girlfriend around and she makes him fun dishes like smoked eyeballs, and her main use is that she knows that the Crow is the Crows weakness. They set Tony Fucking Todd on the bird, and I guess you just have to hurt the bird and not kill it, and Eric loses his healing factor and other macabre undead powers.

The Crow, Jimmy the Raven, pecks out Dr. Girlfriends eyeballs, I honestly forget how Tony Todd gets offed, and Top Dollar gets Gargoyled (that is impaled on a gargoyle). Funnily enough that is more Gargoyle related impaling on screen then in the actual movie Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness where a Gargoyle is supposed to have impaled a guy.

The Benediction

Best Feature: Injustice League

In the Crow we have not only a set of super memorable villains but they are played by the bad guy all stars. John Polito as the most lowly of the bad guys as a kind of sleazy pawn shop owner who buys ill gotten gains. Tony Todd, who's size is really on display here, the freaking Candy Man is in this movie. T Bird is the head of Top Dollars goons and is played by David Patrick Kelly, you might know as the "Warriors Come Out and Play!!" bottle guy from the Warriors, or as Jimmy Horne from Twin Peaks, and of course Top Dollar himself is played by Michael Wincott. Wincott is not a particularly celebrated actor but has played villains effectively in Robin Hood, the Three Musketeers, and Dead Man.

Best Set Piece: Detroit Style Hot Dogs

The Set design of the Crow is perhaps one of it's most fantastic features. It's very moody and ethereal. It's just real enough to not take you out of the film, but fantastic enough to set mood and theme above realism. From Eric Draven's apartment, to the church where the final battle occurs they are all fantastic. I think that's why I really wanted to shine the spot light on a very minor set piece that would get nary a mention but just as effectively represents the qualities I was just talking about and that is the Maxi Doggs Hot Dog Stand, where a lot of the films exposition for audience surrogates takes place.

Worst Effect: Freeze Frame

At a few points in the movie the film makers made a strange decision to do these freeze frame transitions. I only noticed it twice in the movie where it was particularly stupid. I'm sure the film makers at the time thought it was a moody and atmospheric choice that highlighted the suffering that Eric Draven was going through, but it didn't age well. If you don't have the sensibilities of a goth girl from 1994 then it's very very hard not to laugh at just how self involved the movie is about it's super sadness.

Worst Feature: Tragic Accident

Solely based on the film itself, it is that very gothic and dated sensibility that hurts the Crow. The little sarcastic dance he does when he flees the police, quoting Edgar Allen Poe, and bowing to Albrecht. These affected behaviors that I'm sure seemed snarky and right on to the target audience only serve to make Eric Draven seem like an unbearable neck beard edgelord and not the troubled dark soul he's supposed to be. I'm sure at the time it seemed unique and gothy but that shit went out of style for good reason, people could see through it. It's a shame that the Crow himself was some of the cringiest parts of this movie now that I'm seeing it as an adult and not a 13 year old middle class boy with no real problems.

This however is not the low point of the movie. It's not news now and if you're reading some dudes review of The Crow on Tumblr then you probably already know the story. The worst thing about The Crow is that Brandon Lee was horrifically killed on set while filming this movie due to some negligible prop malfunctions. A series of unfortunate events that lead to the actor spending 6 hours in surgery fighting for his life before eventually passing. It was not a quick or painless death and it's really impossible to watch the movie without an appreciation for the fact that this kind of fun dark adventure was going to be a vehicle for Brandon Lee's career wound up taking his life. He was 28. I really wish I could have just bitched about the goofy goth stuff and moved on, but that's not the world we live in.

Best Effect: The Gargoyling

Maybe I should have called this best kill. But I'm not sure which it is. The slaying of Top Dollar at the Climax of the film was just super effective. The pointed wings impaling his chest and that horn coming out of his mouth, it was morbid and excellent and just fit the tone of the movie perfectly. I mean how many other movies can you say Cause of Death: Impaled on a Gargoyle.

Best Bird: The Raven

I tried very hard to look up the name of the bird that primarily performed in this movie and could not find anything. There was a Raven once upon a time called Jimmy the Raven, but that was in the 50s and I don't think birds live that long. There was a team of Ravens performing as the crow, they were chosen over crows for their larger size, and more imposing silhouettes. I just think it's so wonderful to see these often maligned birds get a chance to show off their talents. Corvids of all kinds are incredibly intelligent creatures. Im a sucker for animals, if you haven't already figured that out. I really liked seeing the ravens hit their marks, particularly the one whos job it was to drop the wedding ring into Sarah's hand at the end of the film. You can see that greedy little bastard do his trick and then look of camera at his trainer like "treat please!". It's very cute.

Best Actor: Top Dollar Performance

I'd love to take this opportunity to just put praise upon Brandon Lee, he truly gave everything for this role, but unfortunately with what was put to film we actually have very few character moments with Eric Draven. Stuff happens to him, and he does killings and fights. There's definitely some personality, but I felt like I walked away knowing almost nothing about who Eric Draven was. He was clearly a good dude but that and a few hobbies and a relationship and you don't really have a character yet. He's unfortunately not given a lot of acting to do, instead just relegated to stunts and action sequences. That were notably cool.

The bad guys in the Crow have a lot more character and among this who's who of character actors, Michael Wincott takes the cake. Hell he was standing next to Candyman himself, Tony Todd and still stealing the scenes.

Best Character: A Few Good Apples

Is the best character in The Crow really going to be the cop? The commissioner Gordon stand in? yeah, it is. Not to be political, but I don't like cops, but I guess in a world with magical birds and eyeball smoking I can suspend my disbelief and let Ernie Hudson be #1 cop dad. His character is really the heart of the film, since all Eric can do is brood and fight, we have to care about someone in this movie.

Best Sequence: Halloween Party

The best sequence of the movie is of course the scene where Eric Draven busts in on the Devil's Night party planning commission. I think Top Dollar brought Scrappy Doo there just so he could lure out the crow, knowing the baddest assholes in all of Detroit would be gathered it was likely that somebody was going to kill the beast, or if they couldn't at least Top Dollar could get a feel for his enemy. It's a bullet flying action sequence with a ton of weight. I can't put my finger on this all to common weightless third act problem that big budget super hero and action flicks have nowadays, but whatever that issue is, the Crow does not have that issue. From this point on the Climax feels earned and I am invested. For that reason, The Crow is honestly better in spite of its awkwardness, than many of the super hero movies out today.

Worst Sequence: My Guitar Gently Weeps

Speaking of brooding or fighting. The best sequence was fighting, the worst is brooding. I get that Eric was in a band or something, but didn't he have shit to do. It seemed like it was a cool idea for a shot, but for like a whole seen, watching somebody play an 80s guitar solo, that stood out so brazenly from the choices of music in the rest of the movie was extra corny. It felt like someone's( dad trying to relate to their kid. Oh you like Music. The Dresden Dolls eh? Oh man, then you're going to love Slash's Snake Pit!

Summary

The Crow is dated. It is iconic but I wonder how many of the people that hang that poster on the wall have watched that movie since they were kids. It's interesting how what i've liked and disliked about this film have changed so much sense I was a kid. It's a cheeseball fiesta. If you have matured at all beyond thinking that being sad is the same as being deep then you're going to like it a little less than you did when you were younger, but it is still solid. There's not much to hate on. I'd watch it over and over again. I was really afraid it would not hold up at all, but returning to The Crow was a completely positive experience.

Overall Grade: B

[orderofdeathrp-blog]

Faceclaim: Ken Watanabe || Age: 55 years old || Pronouns: He/his/him

Ministry of Magic

Cisgender Male

Half-blood

Former Ravenclaw

Minister of Magic

Non-Playable Character

Possible triggering content of death, racism, war and xenophobia

It was rare indeed that fate, or maybe it was just sheer blind luck, lined up as they had for Harold Minchum. Although Harold hated to admit that there was anything beyond his control. But, of course, Harold did not have control over the fact that he was born not in Kobe, Japan but in Cardiff, Wales. He had no control of the fact that his mother had been ordered to spend two years observing how magic was taught at Hogwarts, or that his father, on a trip back to Mahoutokoro, would simply vanish into thin air, just like the Muggle leftists. Harold had no control over the fact that he would never hear from his father again. He had no control over his mother remarrying a Welshman a few years later and changing his surname from Akiyama to Minchum despite the fact that he told her that wasn’t what he wanted. He had no control over where he grew up, especially when it was clear that the home he’d only heard of but had never been to became a distant memory to which he would never return.

But once Harold was old enough to understand control, he craved it. At first, he was small and young compared to his peers and he could only control himself. He could force himself to rise with the sun and starch his shirts until they shone white as snow. He could force himself to bite his lip and not snap back when the older students at Hogwarts turned a blind eye to the whispers and mockery he was forced to endure. He could not control the others, not yet, but he could control himself and study hard until they saw him as their equal, or at least so he believed.

Whilst his peers were cruel and distant, his professors and the other adult at Hogwarts were not. They knew that Harold was cleverer than most of his housemates. His spells were perfectly pronounced without any hint of accent, his wand movements crisp, clear and exact. His potions the ideal consistency and color, perfectly brewed every time. The professors knew he was disciplined and obedient, a role model that the other Hogwarts students should look up to, and that made his peers loathe him even more. How dare the foreigner, the kiss-ass, do better than them in classes, win accolade after accolade, get first a prefect’s and then a head boy’s badge pinned to his robes? It simply was not fair, Gryffindors and Slytherins alike whispered. Harold heard their whispers, and they only made him laugh. They were jealous of him, simply because none of them had the foresight to control themselves and work hard.

It was rare enough to get asked to work for Wizengamot as a measly seventh-year, but to start off as the Chief Warlock’s clerk was practically unheard of. Harold was more than pleased to say yes to the offer, and discovered that the job was more than taking notes and running errands. More often than not, the old man could barely remember if he’d had his tea, let alone what wizarding law was, and Harold found himself stepping in to cover for his boss. First, it was just going to hearings with quiet excuses that the Chief Warlock felt ill or had other matters to attend to, but soon enough it was writing decisions and passing rulings on his own, with the Chief warlock’s enchanted quill cheerfully signing off on them.

Harold had to play nice, had to network and socialize with the very people who had mocked up as a child, and it killed him inside. Too proud to bite his lip and forgive previous trespasses, Harold ignored his peers and went to their supervisors, inviting himself to banquets and gatherings. He was charming, smarter than his years, and willing to crush out any competition in the way. Soon enough, Harold learned a soft word, whispered into an ear at a banquet, went further than just competency and hard work. No, to make his mark in the wixen world, he had to position himself, flit from minister to minister, tell them what they wanted to hear and make empty promises that would never come true. And Harold hated it.

But when the Chief Warlock finally stepped down, brain so addled that he could barely form words, Harold lost all of his power. It was a setback, but one that he had expected, and Harold was ready. There were other members of the Wizengamot that Harold had charmed, and they were willing to put in a good word for him, to give him the next seat that opened up. And just like that, at the age of 26, Harold Minchum, the sad little outsider who would never fit into British wixen culture, was on its highest court.

There were the skeptics of course, who thought that Harold was far too young for such a prestigious role, who had doubted that the old Chief Warlock had truly written some of his rulings. Suddenly, it was like Hogwarts all over again, dirty glares and barbed rumors, only this time, Harold did not have professors and headmasters to impress, nor the excuse of youth to defend the tears he had cried silently in his dormitory bed. There was nobody who Harold could beg for attention and for praise, and he hated it. For the past ten years, Harold had worked to throw that past behind him, to remake himself as confident and competent, totally in control of his reputation, and yet it was all for naught.

A foolish man would have used his power to banish those who doubted him, but Harold knew that there were those, even his old headmaster, who would use that as a pretense to strip him of his power. So, instead, Harold bit his lip and waited in silence, careful not to shine out on the Wizengamot. He rarely broke with precedent or brought attention to his rulings. Only the most clever of legal minds would notice how, with each decision he made, he positioned himself as a supporter of law and order, with little patience for those who did not toe the line or slipped up. Second chances were simply not on the table, for nobody had ever given him a second chance as a child or as a young employee. Order had dominated his life, and Harold vowed that order would bring control back to wixen Britain.

Unfortunately, a Muggle-born Minister of Magic would not maintain order, not in the way that Harold needed. He had nothing against Nobby Leach; they were both outsiders, and if anything, Harold was almost sympathetic to the other wizard’s plight. But his very existence meant riots, soft threats of old wixen families moving to Germany or France, and the hard threat of full mutiny. And that simply would not do.

It had been easy enough to twist Leach around his finger, to talk him into expanding the penalties that could land someone in Azkaban, and to increase the number of shadowy guards that kept it safe. It was not a Dementor breeding program, Harold insisted, but rather a simple scheme to keep the public safe. After all, safety and stability would be the only way to keep the blood elitists from throwing Leach out of office, or so he promised. It was, of course, a lie. There was only so much the Wizengamot could do to maintain control through legal crackdowns and increased punishment. Eventually, Leach would be thrown out of power, and Harold would do everything in his power that the ensuing transition would be peaceful. It was just another step in his master plan.

He did not know that there were those who would take any measure necessarily to exterminate any who they did not deem as pure, not at first. But when Leach died of a mysterious illness that not even the best healers at St. Mungo’s could figure out, Harold realized there was something, or someone, beyond the control of the Ministry. His place in the world was in danger, and that could not stand.

Although he despised her as a practical hippie who would only make things worse, Harold backed Eugenia Jenkins as the next Minister of Magic. He paid lip service to her, repeating her dull slogans about unity and respect at Leach’s funeral, and offered her his services in whatever way he could. She needed a loyal deputy, he said, voice calm and crisp, hiding his true intentions, and he would be happy to serve in her shadows, to aid her in whatever way he could. After all, keeping the wixen world unified was the most important. Eugenia was no fool, and Harold was sure she knew that what he really meant was unity through consolidated power and violence when needed. Even if she did not agree, it was mutually beneficial for her, for her safety, for her life, to have a right-hand man who would crack down during the Squib Rights marches and pure-blood riots.

With the death of Eugenia Jenkins, the world of the wix began to mourn. But Harold didn’t waste a moment. He began to move assets and resources around as if they were pieces in a game of chess. His control was now absolute. He would win the war against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. He would bring about peace and control within the British world of magic. And then, he would have the control he so longed for.

Connections

Albus Dumbledore, Barty Crouch Senior

Wand

11” inches, cherry wood, dragon heartstring core

Patronus

Horse

Boggart

His body consumed by flames  

Amortentia

Tobacco ash and cashmere wool