#not that theres anything wrong with that but I like to think elain comes into her own and isn't as shy around those she loves

[fieldsofwriting]

And so, the stars aligned pt. 4

Azriel x Archeron!Sister reader

Summary: After realizing you are his mate. Azriel races back downstairs to tell the rest of the Inner Circle. Spoiler alert- they already knew.

Warnings: Mentions of past trauma, a very small bit of violence. Let me know if theres anything I missed! a/n: This is unedited, so we aren't talking about it.

Ageless and MDNI

Part One, Part Two, Part Three

Masterlist Requests are open!!

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As the door to your room closed, Azriel found himself frozen in place. His heart was still racing. He can feel his soul reaching out to yours, calling for you to return. The one thing that he always wanted, more than anything in the whole world, was just beyond that door. Someone to call his. Someone to be his. To be someone’s. To have a place to belong. But that door was still in the way. And he could tear it off the hinges for its audacity to stand between you and him. He could rip the door open, watching as you looked at him with those big doe eyes of yours. Stammering as you'd try to hide the shock and ask him what's wrong. Only for him to cross the room. Pull you in and kiss you like his very life depended on it. As if you were air, and he was gasping for it. Your love was the tide that pulled him under, all-consuming. But he didn't feel like he was drowning, no. Never. You were his light, his dark, his everything. His salvation. You were perfect. He felt the bond and knew there was someone at the other end of it. Someone who would feel it with time.

And that thought seemed to pull Azriel out of his less-than-sober state. Whatever the mating bond had done to his head had consumed him. Made him unable to think straight, unable to use any common sense- or any sense at all. He needed to step away, needed to stop smelling your scent. His shadows pull him back, gently urging him to give you space. Part of it makes him smile, that they were so eager to protect you. Part of him looks at the shadows and glares. "Traitors." He mumbles, before going down the stairs. His heart heavy as he takes every step. You were so unaware of his feelings. You always had been, you pushed away any feelings for him in favor of Elain. He watched you do it, heard you talking in hushed whispers to Feyre and Nesta about her wellbeing. You used to join them, but then you just…stopped. That's when Elain started flirting more. It broke his heart to see you back down so easily. Azriel knew you didn’t have any friends outside the Inner Circle…and he felt you watch from the windows. How he wanted to reach his hand out to you, share his time with you the way you shared it with your sister…

His footsteps for once are not muffled, nor does he want them to be. It didn't matter who saw him now, he'd let them know he was there to protect you. So, he allows himself to walk naturally, feeling the weight of everything finally. His footsteps heavier with each step. As Azriel enters the room he notices how the party has slowly stopped talking as he enters. His brothers looked the most concerned, slowly they both stood. Az notes the way their gaze moves about his body, checking for injury. Their shoulders are tense as well as if they’re on edge about something. What he didn’t know, so he raises an eyebrow at them. "Azriel?" Rhys's voice is soft, and gentle, as if he is trying to tame a beast.

"Is everything okay?" Cassian asks next. His voice doesn't share the same gentleness that Rhys's did. But for Cassian, that was gentle. Azriel looks at him, Cassian's hazel eyes shining with concern as he steps forward with Rhys.

Azriel doesn't know where the sudden concern is coming from. He tries his hardest to will his face into one of neutrality. "Yes? Everything is fine." He assures them before trying to sidestep them. Rhys and Cassian grab onto his arms to hold him in place. Azriel is just confused. He looks back at Rhys and Cassian. "What?" His voice laced with that very confusion.

"You’re shaking," Rhys answers. "Your hands are clenched. You look ready to snap." He steps back, Cassian doing the same. Azriel looks down, slowly unclenching his hands, realizing that his siphons are swirling with power as well. Looking back up the stairs to see his shadows swirling outside your door, keeping watch for him to ensure your safety. He looks back to Rhys blinking and suddenly- he gets it. He gets why Rhys fell into Mor's arms screaming and crying that Feyre was his mate—understanding all the decisions Rhys made just to ensure her safety. Seeing why Rhys believed in her under that mountain. Understanding why Cassian fought so hard to try and save Nesta from the Cauldron. He understood how the view of the world changed in just a matter of seconds, and…how it felt knowing that they both figured it out before their mates did. How did they do it? How did they deal with the crippling fear that they might reject them? How did keep smiling? How did they keep it from consuming him? Rhys looks back at Cassian, both of them taking another tentative step toward their brother.

"Az?" Cassian's smooth voice, calming voice- he talked to hurt soldiers like that. Azriel knew that voice. Was that what he was now? A soldier on the battlefield again? Did they see him as the scrawny little kid that showed up at camp? At that thought suddenly he broke.

The tears fall quickly, and blindly Azriel reaches out to grab Rhys's shoulder. He hadn't realized the pain he'd been keeping in his heart. He claws at his shirt; wishing that he didn't have one, to begin with. Rhys pulls him in, holding him tightly. “Woah…” Rhys whispers squeezing him tighter. “Woah, we’ve got you Az. You’re okay. We’ve got you…” Cassian rubs his back- and Azriel knows that they're exchanging glances behind his back. But he doesn't care. But what he doesn't expect to hear is Mor.

"Azriel?" Her voice is soft, full of concern. And he looks up from Rhys's shoulder. Looking at Mor with a tear-stained face, his eyes growing puffier by the second as more tears rolled down. She held her arms up for him. Azriel pushed Rhys away, all but running into Mor. Falling into her arms as he cries harder. Mor's embrace is warm, her skin is soft. She was always so warm, like a sunny spring day. She smelt like vanilla and whiskey. Threading her fingers through his hair, brushing out the curls gently as she started to rock him. "Shh, shh, we’ve got you. What happened? Can you tell us what's wrong?" Her voice is so gentle, soft, and caring in a way that only Mor could manage for him. Azriel realized she was being motherly. He reached for a comfort he'd barely known. A mother's embrace, or in Mor's case; a sister's embrace. Pulling away, Mor wipes his eyes. Nodding she looked up at him with her warm, chocolatey eyes.

"She's my mate." He croaks. It felt so good to get out. It felt good to tell someone, pride surging through him. To declare that you were his. He was yours. You were one. Mor's eyes widened, looking back at Amren, Feyre, and Nesta. "She's my mate, Mor. An-and she didn't feel it, now suddenly I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm drowning. I keep reaching for her but she’s not there. I-I’m panicking about her even though I knew she was right upstairs. Everything is racing. I'm in a free fall, my wings won't open and the ground is getting closer. Everything feels so-"

Nesta grabs Azriel's chin. Tilting his head up to look at her, and he expected to see an icy glare. Instead, he's met with an intense understanding. "You are not dying. You are okay. And you need to take a deep breath." She illustrates what she wants him to do by taking a deep breath herself. Azriel finds himself mimicking her actions, suddenly realizing what he had done. He wasn’t supposed to be weak. His tears were pointless, his pain didn’t matter. He stands straighter, clearing his throat. Looking down at the ground to avoid everyone else's gazes. Nesta continues, "You fucking Illyrian's love too hard." She scoffs, her tone laced with a playful amusement. Though there's also so much truth behind it. "Y/n will accept you as her mate soon enough. But you have to give her the space and opportunity to do so. But, for the record. I am very happy that she is your mate. And you better be good to her or I’ll make you suffer.”

“Nesta!” Feyre hisses, elbowing her sister as she scowls at her. But Azriel laughs, it’s short and quiet but it’s a genuine laugh. Everyone looks at him before he pulls both of them into hugs. Feyre squeaks, but holds onto him. Nesta stiffens but pats his back.

“Thank you…” He whispers, pulling away. Azriel shakes his head and sits on the armchair with a sigh. “I…don’t know what came over me.”

Rhys sits on one of the arms, clapping his brother in the back. “Love does strange things to people.”

“Especially in this family.” Amren rolls her eyes as she scans Azriel for any more signs of an emotional outburst. “But, I also know you haven’t cried in a long, long, time Azriel.” She gives the shadowsinger a pointed look.

Cassian sighs and plops next to Azriel’s other side. Ruffling his hair. “You had us worried there for a second. I thought she insulted you or something.” Cassian laughs, Azriel can’t help but smile.

“No…nothing like that.” He whispers.

Nesta goes to Cassian’s side. Immediately sliding under his arm and putting a hand on his chest as she leans into her mate's warmth. “How did it happen?” Nesta asks, her voice full of curiosity. Remembering her love of romance novels- it didn’t shock Azriel that she wanted to hear the details.

Feyre also made her way closer, sitting on the couch closer to Rhys. Tucking her legs under her as she nods excitedly. “Yes! Tell us all the details, it was my personal favorite, hearing Rhys confess.” She looks over at him and winks.

Azriel chuckles and shakes his head. “She seemed…sad.” He starts slowly, closing his eyes to recount. Picturing the way your eyes slowly faded into a blank stare. “So after she announced she was going to bed. I followed her, but I thought she knew. I ended up scaring her, and I felt this…this nagging part of my brain light up. Telling me to apologize over and over again. As if it didn’t like making that look appear on her face. So, I apologized. But, then she just started…laughing. It felt…different than all the other times. I saw this golden glow around her as if the sun had decided to come back up and only shine on her. And she put her hand on my arm-“ He smiles faintly as his fingers gently trace over the spot yours had been. “It felt…like I was seeing the sun for the first time.” His voice is softer than ever. “And she joked about her intentions with me and her laugh. It was…it was like I couldn’t breathe. She leaned into me, laughing so hard she was snorting, touching me and- and just being…happy. Being her. That was the moment. Looking down at her I knew. I wanted to hear that laugh for the rest of my days. I wanted to be the reason for that laugh. I wanted to pick her up, spin her around, and kiss her like a fish needs water…” He smiles to himself as he pictures you again.

“I’ve loved her for so long. But, but that was the moment I knew. I was going to be there for her no matter what. Her laugh is something I’d fight wars over.”

Nesta is grinning, tears brimming her eyes. “I haven’t heard her laugh like that since she met you.” And Azriel’s heart swells with pride again.

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The next morning as you enter for breakfast everyone’s eyes fall onto you. Blinking at them all you raise your hand to give a shy little wave. “Uh, good morning?”

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” Feyre smiles, Nyx perched on her lap as she offers him a slice of banana. You simply nod at her as you go to take your seat.

Nyx pushes away Feyre’s hand and exclaims, “Titi! Titi!” His little warms going upwards as he bounces in his mother’s lap. You, Nesta, and Elain all exchange glances. Looking at each other in a standoff of who can get to Nyx first. You move first, quickly running around the side of the table that Nesta wasn’t on. But Nesta, the Valkyrie, is quicker. Vaulting over the table- much to Rhys’s chagrin.

“Nesta!” He huffs looking at his plate of food with her handprint in it. Elain sprints around the other side, holding her arms out.

In a split second, darkness enveloped the room. Once it dissipates Azriel stands in the corner holding Nyx up. High above his head as the toddler giggles with glee.“Hello Nyx.” He grins with a triumphant smile. Your legs suddenly feel weak as you look at him. Only Nyx got him to smile like that. You look over at your sisters who are all as gobsmacked as you.

Nesta moves in first, on a mission to get her nephew. “You are not a Titi. So I will take him, please.” She gives an overly sweet smile as she holds her arms out.

Azriel considers for a second, but Nyx is happily playing with one of his siphons on his shoulders. Gently tapping it and watching the magic flow through it. “No, I think he’s content.”

Nesta goes to argue, but Elain steps forward. “Azriel…” She bats her pretty long lashes up at him. “Can I please see him?” She also holds out her hands as she smiles at her nephew.

Nyx again doesn’t respond to her voice. Now trying to munch on the Siphon. “It seems he’s still content.” Azriel shrugs, taking a slice of banana off of Feyre’s plate to give him instead.

It was your turn now and you were determined to win. “Azzy…” Your voice makes him pause. Good, you think. You hold out your arms and bat your eyes at him too. Trying to be as pretty as Elain was. “Let me see my favorite nephew?”

Nesta scoffs, “He’s your only nephew.” You shoot her a glare and look back up at the spymaster.

“Pretty please Az?” You pout, using the little sister privilege you honed. An impenetrable puppy dog face. And much to your delight- and your sister’s annoyance- Azriel crumbles. Earning snickers from around the table, all of which he glares at. Delicately handing Nyx to you and quickly moving as far- far away from you as he can.

Nyx looks up at you and grins. “Titi!” Your eyes shine with brightness and you giggle as you kiss his cheek.

"That's right, Nyx. Titi, the best Titi of all time." You coo, wrinkling your nose at Nesta and Elain. Nesta flips you off as she sits next to Cassian with a huff. And you chuckle as he wraps a wing around her, petting her hair as he offers her a bite of toast. Which she grumpily takes. You smile and sit with Nyx, settling him on your lap as Feyre passes you his plate.

Polite, and not-so-polite conversation takes place. Laughter fills the room and you for once, feel peaceful. Looking around this room filled with so much love. It was- almost too much to bear. But it all comes crashing down as Rhys gets handed a golden envelope. Golden waves were etched into it, along with golden flowers. It caused the conversations to die down as Rhys opened it. You follow his eyes, scanning the page. Watching his eyebrow raise in amusement as he passes the paper to Feyre. "What is it?" Mor asks looking or trying to look over Rhys's shoulder. Cassian stretches as well to try and see what is going on. Feyre holds it closer to her chest as she glares lightly at him. You hold back a snicker as Azriel's shadows loom behind Feyre- also trying to peak.

"It's an invitation," Feyre says simply, nodding as she looks it over again. Suddenly you watch Azriel stiffen.

"From. Who?" He grits out. Your eyebrows knit together in concern. But he doesn't look at you, his golden gaze still focused on Feyre. You could swear that from across the room you saw his eyes get greener. Feyre looks over at him and sighs heavily.

"Tarquin and Tamlin. They're hosting a ball to try and find a wife- or their mate." Feyre explains handing the letter over to Cassian. He greedily takes it, and Nesta pulls it down so she can read it too. Their eyes widened.

"It says they're requesting all unmated females." Cassian looks up at Azriel- almost like they were having a secret conversation. You snatch the letter from Nesta so you can scan it over.

Gasping and biting your lip, you look over at Rhys and Feyre. "Does that mean I can go?" You ask giddily, barely able to keep your excitement in.

Rhys spares a glance at Azriel and then looks back at you. "Would you want too?" His voice is tight. The room falls silent as it waits for your response. But you nod quickly.

"Yes!" You nod quickly, "It's like the fairytales we've read!" She looks over at Azriel, who refuses to look at you. His plate is the only thing that has his interest. But his indifference doesn't sway you. Letting your attention turn back to Rhys and Feyre, "It would be good! Like a show of good faith to send a member of the Night Court! Besides that, I wouldn't go for Tamlin. Not after what he did to you-" You look at Feyre with a gentle smile. Rhys takes hold of her hand, his thumb gently running over her knuckles. "But, I could find my mate there! Or hell I'd even settle for a boyfriend." You try to joke to clear the awkward tension. But all it did was cause Azriel to stand abruptly and walk out. Standing back up you go to follow him, but Nesta takes your hand, shaking her head. Sitting back down as you look at the letter.

"…It would be fun," Feyre says quietly. "We could bring the whole Inner Circle. It gives Amren a reason to see Varian. And we can show Nyx to everyone. You have the shields Hellion taught you, so you can protect us. It would be fun, we should go." She nods determinedly as she looks at her husband. Their eyes glaze over as they speak to one another but you look back at the door Azriel just walked out of. His shadows lingered around as if reporting what Rhys said. He sighed heavily.

"I'll respond with all that are attending." You squeal and rush over to hug him, kissing his cheek.

"You're the best Rhys! Thank you!" And warmth comes back to the room as your sisters smile at you. Immediately bringing up how they plan to doll you up.

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Rhys's study door swings open as Azriel storms in. His siphons churning with power and the only thing that gives him pause is Feyre sitting on the desk in front of a chair. Rhys flanked her left, Cassian on her right. Amren and Mor are on Rhys's side. Nesta on Cassian's. Azriel glares at Rhys, "What is this."

Feyre points to the chair. "Sit." Azriel crosses his arms in a silent refusal. Feyre raises an eyebrow.

"Azriel we are not your enemy right now." She says gingerly. Trying a gentler approach, as if he would start crying again. His fists clench as he grinds his teeth.

"You are." He says simply. "You're letting her go."

"Azriel you know damn well that we give choices in this court." Rhys snaps, Feyre putting a hand on his chest. "I don't know why you suddenly think you can control her-"

"I know I can't control her." Azriel snaps at Rhysand. Their eyes meet and Azriel grits out, "But she is a mated female. And it is a slap in my face that you consider my mating bond so unimportant that what? Get another fucking Alliance? Like how you were gonna marry Nesta off to Eris."

"Azriel." Cassian snaps, standing to his full height. "You don't get to bring up my mate just because you're pissy." Nesta pulls him back. Her blue/grey eyes meet his as she steps forward. Cassian watched her like a hawk. But Nesta didn't balk.

"I was going to marry Eris because I didn't feel worthy of the love that Cassian was giving me. And the reason Rhysand wants us to go is so that y/n can be happy. Isn't that something you want for her Azriel? You know how we grew up, but did you know that y/n used to lay in our bed and ask me to tell her stories? She'd ask me about balls, what princes were like. She's dreamed of this. Finding her true love over there. So-" Nesta jabs Azriel's chest. "Suck it up."

Azriel's jaw tightened. And then, Rhysand spoke. "You won't be going." The room fell silent.

"What."

"Lucien got the same letter, he's requested that we not bring Elain. Elain is okay with that, they want to take this as an opportunity to get to know each other. You will be here to keep them safe and chaperone for Elain's comfort. You are silent, you are friends with Elain and it will give you time to sort out whatever is going on with your attitude." Rhysand tries to keep his voice even, and clear, end all be all. Azriel waited for the hypocrisy of the moment to hit him, but when it didn't.

"No," Azriel says simply. "No make someone else do it. I am not going to sit here while you cart her around. Pick someone else."

"That's not happening. She hasn't felt the bond yet Azriel. And trust me, I know how hard it is. But I let Feyre go-"

"She's not Feyre. She can't fight. She isn't your mate, she's mine and I have her best interest-"

"You have a possessive interest." Rhys snaps. "She is allowed to make choices."

Azriel looks at Rhysand with disdain. His nose wrinkles in anger and his shadows swirl around him. Siphons flicker as his temper grows. "I didn't say she wasn't." He tries to speak calmly. He was better than this. Azriel didn't need to lose his temper, he didn't even know where this was coming from. No doubt the mating bond, everything involving you made every inch of his skin feel too tight. Like he needed your touch to cool the boiling beneath it. He had normally kept his cool in the face of adversity, he didn't question Rhysand. But when you were in the fold? He couldn't stop it. The images of you coming home with your arms linked with Tarquin or- oh god- Tamlin? The images of how thin Feyre had been when she first arrived flashed in his mind. And then- you. You being that thin, in a gaudy and ugly wedding dress. Big, puffy sleeves and begging him down the bond to save you. "But I want to go with her."

Rhys looks at everyone and sighs. "Azriel. We all decided-"

"You decided? Decided that I wasn't allowed near her?" He growls.

"You all decided what to do with me." Nesta chimes in. Azriel turns to her with a fire in his eyes.

"We decided that because we didn't want to watch you drink yourself into your immortal grave. We wanted you to heal and the only way to get you to do anything, Nesta Archeron, is through spite. Telling you that you have to do something or you must. But even still we didn't separate you from Cassian." Azriel fumed. He had never been like this with anyone. So raw, so angry. Showing his baseline of emotions. He couldn't stop it, everything felt like it was about to boil over. So he looks back to Feyre. "Please. I am begging you, to let me go."

Feyre looks over at Rhys. Rhysand shakes his head. "No. Azriel it will look bad for you to claim her-"

It was a blur. Everything happened so fast. Azriel moved before he knew what he was doing. Everything in him screamed out, at the people whom he called family locking him away once again from something he wanted so badly. And he saw his Father and stepmother. Overseeing his visits with his Mother. Not letting him stay with her no matter how hard he begged. Keeping his wings bound to his back despite the need to fly. All he felt was that red-hot anger. His blood felt like it was scalding under the surface. His skin was simmering and he wasn't sure if he was actually smoking or if it was his shadows that curled around his forearms. His voice felt like there was a vice grip around it. Why?! Why was no one listening to him! Why didn't they understand? He didn't want to control you or tell you that you couldn't do something. He just wanted to be there. All he wanted to do was make sure that you were happy. He didn't want to play babysitter again to another set of mates. He just wanted to watch you shine.

He comes back into his own body to realize that he'd punched Rhysand. His black eye starting to form. Two strong hands were on his elbows as he was forced to sit. Cassian. They were Cassian's hands. Azriel calmed and eased into the chair. Rhys puts a hand to face blinking in shock. Looking at Azriel with one good eye. The room was silent. They could have heard a pin drop miles away. Azriel tried to open his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He hangs his head in shame, waiting for Rhysand to tell him to leave.

"Cauldron boil me." Rhysand laughs and kneels in front of Azriel. "You really think that?" He whispers looking at his brother with sincerity. "That all you are is a babysitter?" Azriel blinks and looks at him with wide eyes. "You said it all. Screamed it right into my head. Made me feel it." He gives him a gentle smile. "Az, that's not what I was trying to say." Rhys sighs heavily and shakes his head. "I didn't think you could handle it. That rage? I understand it. I felt it every day Under the Mountain, and every day when Feyre was with Tamlin. I don't want you to think I don't trust you. But I know it's hard to contain. Case in point-" He points to the black eye.

Azriel swallows thickly, still unable to voice his apology. ' I'm sorry Rhysand. I understand. I don't like it, feeling so angry. The bond just- amplified all of my emotions.' Rhys nods along to what Azriel speaks into his mind.

"It gets easier. For now," He sighs and shakes his head. "It might just be the better idea to bring you along. Being near her should help."

Azriel nods. Still looking down at the ground, and then he feels gentle arms wind around him. Nesta. "Thank you for being my friend." She whispers. Another set of arms wind around him. Feyre.

"Thank you for being our eyes and ears."

Another set of arms. Mor. "Thank you for always protecting me."

More arms. Cassian. "We are your family. And we never want you to feel like you don't matter."

Two more. Rhys. "I am the biggest hypocrite."

"Really." Amren's voice cuts through. But then there is a little scuffle as someone, most likely Mor, pulls Amren into the group hug. He hears her sigh. "…Thank you for punching Rhysand." The group laughs warmly. Maybe everything was going to be alright.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Your arms squeeze Elain tightly. "I'm very excited for you!" You say warmly. "I think you'll be a happier woman when we come back." You wink at her. Elain scuffs and rolls her eyes, but her cheeks redden at the idea.

"Well, I hope you come back with so many stories that I would be jealous." She teases you as she pulls you back and makes you sit on a pink stool. Looking at your reflection in the mirror, she brushes your hair out and helps you put it half up, half down. Something pretty and yet elegant. Finishing she looks at you in the mirror. "You look beautiful."

You grin, shrugging. "Thanks, Elain." Not knowing how to respond. "Let us know how it's going?" You hold up a pinky to her, Elain rolls her eyes and links your pinkies.

"I will write the most boring and mundane letters just to shock you with the truth when you get back." She teases. You feigned hurt before you heard Rhysand call for you. You and your sister share a giddy smile and you rush down the stairs.

The whole Inner Circle stands there with various bags, the 'ball' would be taking place over a week. With dances each night, not all of which were deemed mandatory- only the first and last night were. But you were going to be staying in a newly rebuilt Spring Court. Feyre had been nervous at first, but Lucien helped ease her nerves. Assuring her that they wouldn't be near the Manor and that Tamlin had completely rebuilt. It was almost unrecognizable. But none of that mattered, you were going to be going to every ball you could, dancing the nights away, sleeping in, wearing all the beautiful dresses you could. You were ready to take this ball by storm.

Lucien looked up at Elain, bowing his head. Your sister halted, and you gave her a subtle push toward him. "You look well," Elain whispers.

"As do you." He smiles.

Leaving the two to talk. You look over at Azriel, you haven't talked to Azriel since that morning. And he wasn't at breakfast the next day. So you took this opportunity to cross the room to his side. He looks down at you, giving a small smile in greeting. You smile back, "Azriel." You speak softly, suddenly feeling bashful. You hadn't known why he suddenly stopped coming around you, but you knew that you wanted to remedy it. You wanted him closer to you, you wanted your friend back. "Are you excited?"

Azriel looks at you with a raised eyebrow, his eyes have a glint of amusement in them. "You do realize that you're asking the biggest introvert here if he's excited to go to a ball."

You pout, glaring at him. "…you can lie to me."

That gets a chuckle out of Azriel as he extends a hand to you. "Then I am thrilled to go spend this week somewhere I'm not comfortable." You elbow him as you take his hand.

"Is there anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable?" You ask, tilting your head to the side as you step outside. Azriel lets his wings expand, quickly scooping you up into his arms. The others would Winnow to the house, but Cassian, Rhys, and Azriel wanted to fly. And so, Amren uncomfortably held Nyx. The toddler playing with her necklace as Mor got ready to Winnow. Rhysand scooped up Feyre, Cassian held Nesta, and… Azriel held you. Quickly shooting up into the air, a sound between a gasp and a squeal sounded from you. Holding onto Azriel tighter, you feel him hold you tighter before he leans into your ears.

"Just stay close by in case I need you." He answers. You blink up at him before smiling and nodding.

"I'll be right by your side." You promise. ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── a/n: I personally hc that the mating bond can be really intense and amplify every emotion- even if it has nothing to do with your mate. So Azriel being so on edge, is just because that man needs a fucking hug. Anyways!! I hope y'all enjoyed!!

tag list: @sidthedollface2 @cat-or-kitten @impossibelle @brunette-barbie1220 @scatteredstardustt @sammanna @cherry-cin @tele86 @judig92 @lana08 @stained-glass-eyes0708 @oucereeng @persephonesalvatore @fightmedraco @juniperberriesaries @whatdoyxumean @harrystyke21 @tenshis-cake @5onedirection5 @bubybubsters @its-sam-allgood @natashachelsea @brieflyclassymortal l @thecraziestcrayon @cherryinsalemverse @sourapplex @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @waggel36 @bunnyred-blog1 @kookie4life @mybestfriendmademe @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @mp-littlebit @caticorn61

[acourtofthought]

I’m not sure if it’s ok for me to ask you this but I really like your posts and the way you interpret. Disclaimer: I am not antielain but I get confused with her sometimes. If anything I say comes off harsh I apologize and plz kno I didn’t mean that way. Just heads up this will be long

I guess I sometimes think ppl expect almost too much from elain. Part of it is because we don’t know much of her character/personality. Like ppl expect that she’ll do a complete 180 and prove us all wrong. I do think she will prove us wrong but not like that I guess? Not so drastic? I’m thinking similar to how Nesta grew in her book where it wasn’t a complete flip of her personality but it was a build up on it. I personally think that’s the whole point of these books it’s to learn to give love to ourselves (via the characters) rather than change ourselves or personalities”for the good of others”

So I think ppl associate bubbly chatty extremely giving bighearted personality to elain bc of how she was as human, before her life changed completely. But I don’t even see her as that back then? Basically there is a “type” I see assigned to her by fans and for me it’s just not quite there.

There is so much anti-elain content out there so I understand wanting to contradict that and disprove the haters. And I don’t mean to bash anyone, but I guess envisioning her in one “appropriate” way by fans is strange. I hear too many what ifs about her and ppl getting upset at those who don’t agree with the what ifs of her personality/character (those “what ifs” are treated like gospel)

Additionally- I saw a post of yours mention that elain might be disturbed about feyre’s pregnancy and how she might be upset with herself for not being acquainted with her powers to foresee it and I honestly love that. it’s an exciting addition to look forward to about elain, but couldn’t sjm have mentioned that in nesta’s book? Like a scene where the three sisters talk about it or something?? This is what I mean about seeing a lot of expectations for elain’s character. Dont get me wrong I love this idea and I theres a good chance e it’s true, but I have to see it be shown for her character and so far I’ve been given nothing. Also why didn’t anyone tell Elain that the childbirth could harm feyre?? Maybe she could’ve done something! That could add to Elain’s character right! Even if Elain isn’t involved with ic stuff that’s her sister. I mean, Elain was smiling at her sis by the end (could be hiding her pain of sisters almost-death maybe?). Do we really have to wait for Elain’s book to know that she was disturbed by the events of feyre’s childbirth?

An anti-elain thing I see is that she’s not very bright. I don’t agree with this. I’m thinking if she was always aware what was going on bw nesta and feyre could she have done nothing? Especially since nesta has said she would do anything for Elain’s happiness. What of feyre’s happiness u know?

Elain never hurt others like Nesta did but when it’s pointed out how kind she is, I do believe it, but I can’t help but wonder if she showed that kindness to her sister Feyre. Like Feyre is so quick to say that about Elain, and Elain did own up to her mistakes, but it’s hard not to imagine how Feyre must have felt as a kid. feyre is so sure of Elain’s love for her I’m just wondering where that surety comes from because as a reader there’s a bit of a disconnect to what makes feyre feel that way. Could it be feyre’s guilt of them turning fae? And then elain never blaming her sis for it? I think maybe a little of it is that feyre understands elain. Do you think elain is a dreamer im the sense that she wishes good things for all people? Elain did had a chance at happiness due to her family’s love for her, maybe id like to see more of it reflected for her family? Do something big for them? I know she shows them affection constantly, and i love that I think it’s so sweet, but it still doesn’t tell me enough about her. As of now, Elain to me comes off as someone who puts herself first (not selfish but just knows her worth, not self destructive like nesta ), which will be exciting to see from the classic self-sacrificial type of fantasy mc, she is someone who maybe isn’t always quite aware of what she needs to do but she was the will and desire for it, and lastly, though she focuses on her well being she is still aware of the feelings and concerns of those around her.

I guess I see that elain has some flaws and I’m okay with it. She’s probably hard on herself like Nesta is to herself. And I think she’ll probably still have a few hiccups along the way in her book which is always exciting in a book. I don’t tell myself that she’s this perfect, sweet, summerflower child who’s never done anything wrong. I think she is currently lost snd For now, could be changed later)I think that maybe this is the first or one of the few times where elain isn’t the one fully happy while others around her are l so it’s a new thing for her to understand, navigate, and find the happiness within herself and around her (she’s already doing some of that). Maybe she always found the happiness around her from things being good but now needs to find it within? Also she is now finding the part of herself she’s always maybe wanted to. Or now needs to be due to now being fae.

And why would it be wrong if she’s imperfect? What is this obsession with her being perfect knows it all who doesn’t owe anyone anything? Since the fandom likes to talk about these characters like they’re real- elain would most certainly not think of herself that way.

Maybe I’m not seeing it all clearly of her character? Sometimes it is hard for me to keep her character and personality separate I admit. I know she loves her family, I know she’s concerned about a lot that’s going on, but we only get like 1 instance of her showing anything and that’s it. So when the characters just keep saying this and that about Elain’s traits, but Elain is shown having that trait or quality once im ?? Where you at girl?

Ultimately I tell myself that it doesn’t matter how a character begins but rather how and what they grow into. I think being turned fae has forced her to do a lot of growing up (I don’t mean this in a bad way at all. As a reader, I think it’s v interesting)I’m willing to bet if sjm had done more planning from the start i would feel entirely different. I think im at a confusing spot with her character, but at a 100% hopeful&optimistic for her story kind of spot.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and If you don’t answer I completely understand. Frankly, I don’t want to add to any anti-elain discourse ( or even anti- nesta I love her) My intention wasn’t at all to bash Elain’s character. I am absolutely not an anti but if anything comes off sounding anti I apologize. I’m looking for some discussion and understanding of her honestly. I think the most important knowledge I’ve gained from your blog is that elain shouldn’t and can’t be compared to the other female characters of this series especially her sisters. I mean, none of the characters should even be compared, but yeah expecting her to be exactly the way her sisters are is not the way to go about understanding her character. I love your posts about elain and I very much like Elain thanks to you. I’m lowkey obsessed with elucien bc of you. and your posts are what got me interested in her character since you pay attention to her in such a healthy way.

Nothing you said came off harsh at all and I was excited to receive your message!

This is going to be long and rambling so I apologize in advance.

I absolutely agree that some seem to expect too much from Elain, both right now and later, especially when SJM has given us quite a bit of growth from her already and she's not going to become a completely different person.

She started off the series kind but fine with allowing herself to be taken care of. She still had thoughtful moments though, she used her "allowance" from Feyre to buy Feyre paints and to buy her father a new chisel rather than using it all on herself.

But by the end of ACOTAR, she started taking care of Feyre, planning the ball to honor her return, finding her a dress, preparing a horse and a satchel for her.

In ACOMAF, we see her apologize for failing Feyre, we see her willing to risk her engagement by letting Feyre use their manor to meet with the human queens.

In ACOWAR, after she had lost everything, she only spent weeks (maybe 2 months) sitting silently in her room in a depressed state. Then she started learning how to bake (and now helps cook for the IC) and thought of a way to help the humans, by having them head to Graysen's estate. Then she was cruelly rejected by Graysen, was kidnapped a second time but still helped save Briar and Az, then saved Cassian and Nesta (as well as many others) when she stabbed the king but then saw her fathers murdered body.

Though she mourned those things in ACOFAS, she still did not regress. She continued taking care of Feyre and Rhys's garden, began helping those in Velaris with their gardens, continued cooking for the IC. Then in SF we see her stand up to Nesta, see her offer to search for the Trove, see her go to the Hewn Cith with the others despite Feyre offering to let her stay home and despite the fact that it's cruelty bothers her.

I honestly don't know how anyone could expect anything else out of her before her own book and even after her own book, she's not going to morph into someone unrecognizable. She's not going to become a bloodthirsty, dagger wielding spy who thrives on going after the enemy and plotting their demise.

I see some claim she needs to get fed up with the others holding her back, where she'll head off on her own or seek out Lucien to help her. But where in Elain's personality has she ever shown to be rash? Where has she ever shown to be that angry with her sisters that she's going to go behind their backs to prove something? It's exactly like you said, Nesta's arc made sense for Nesta because that was within Nesta's personality.

If Elain has a problem, she addresses it with the person (as we saw in her argument with Nesta) and moves on. She was laughing by the end of SF when Nesta said "fuck you". She nearly watched Feyre and her nephew die in front of her. At the end of SF, Elain and Feyre were beaming at Nesta while Elain held Nyx in her arms.

Where in that is anyone getting the "I'm mad and I'm going to prove them all wrong!" vibe from Elain?

I have a feeling Elain's setup will be that of Rhys coming to Elain for help with something in Spring or the continent and that will kickstart her book. She's already told us that "she's part of the court and will do what is necessary" so all that we need to have happen is Rhys finally asking her to get her hands dirty. Her setup doesn't need to look like Nesta's did.

I do think we're going to see a different version of Elain when she's around her people (Lucien, Vassa, Helion, Jurian, the LoA), but to me that's kind of a given based on SJMs pattern of the FMC coming into her own once she's with her found family. So I do think we'll get more of the outgoing, life of the party version of Elain that we saw in ACOTAR, at least the Elain once she was overseeing their new manor and at the ball.

To your point about Elain feeling guilty, I don't think, if Elain were taking the events of Feyre's pregnancy onto herself, SJM would necessarily tell us that in SF. For one thing, Elain doesn't often share her deepest sorrows and regrets with her sisters. We know she's mourning her father because we're told how often she visited his grave but it's not because she sat down and had a deep heart to heart with Nesta or Feyre over it. Just like we had to wait for SF to see Nesta's complicated emotions over her fathers death, I think we'll have to wait for Elain's book to get inside her head and understand how she's processing everything that has been happening. For another, the end of SF was meant to wrap up Nesta's arc. We were meant to walk away with that HEA vibe for her character, not necessarily focusing on anyone else. I think SJM subtly hinted that we're about to have Elain's story when she closed out the book with the rose carving, when Nesta lets go this symbol of Elain and releases it into the world as a "permanent marker of beauty and good" but I don't think she wanted us majorly focusing on anyone else outside of Nesta and her journey.

For anyone calling Elain dumb, I think ACOFAS and SF prove how intelligent and aware Elain is. After Elain talks of traditions, Feyre notes her wisdom. In SF, Cassian notes how Elain had seen everything about Nesta and understood.

SJM has confirmed that Elain is a quiet dreamer, that she has a different strength than Feyre or Nesta, and that she expresses love openly in a way that Nesta always struggled with so I don't think we can deny those aspects of her personality, I'm not sure why people keep trying to claim her story can only happen if she spirals down the way Nesta did or until she gets angry at their treatment of her. I think it's more important to respect that because Elain is so different from her sisters, the start of her book might look different than what some expect and maybe she's going to simply internalize her frustrations then talk it out with them in her book. If she's even harboring resentment. I mean, SJM already had Elain call Nesta out for treating her like a child, she joined the others in the Hewn City as "part of the court", and she was laughing when Nesta swore at her and nearly lost both Nesta and Feyre at the end of the book so maybe Elain isn't really worried about resenting her sisters right now, maybe she's just glad they're all safe and alive.

I do think Feyre and Nesta see certain aspects of Elain's personality but as all sisters do, I think sometimes they are blinded by other aspects. I also think they at times see her in a way that makes them feel better about things. Like Nesta assuming Elain was fine and settled at the start of SF only for Elain to remind them that she's struggling too. However, I do think Elain isn't truly Elain around them either, that she hides some of who she is. Like Rhys said, she may have been worried about disappointing them.

And yes, Elain has flaws (as they all do). It's funny that some will claim she's one dimensional while complaining about her flaws in the next breath. If she's canonically kind, loving and makes them all laugh at times while also being flawed....then how can she be one dimensional? I think it's because some are expecting her character to look like that of Feyre or Nesta's characters and the other badass female warriors in the series (or her other series). And that's a very narrow minded view, to only think someone is interesting if they look like every other single warrior heroine that SJM has written.

And despite her flaws, she has never lashed out at the other characters and I don't think she's given enough credit for that. She was afraid of the fae yet willingly opened up her home to them, has treated Feyre's found family with kindness from the start, made sure Feyre had a special cake for her birthday and has never blamed Feyre for what happened to her, held Feyre when Feyre was breaking down after Elain's kidnapping (so yes, I do think she has shown Feyre kindness ever since Feyre returned to the human lands in book 1).

Like you said, it's not that she's so much selfish as in "I do what I want regardless of how it affects others" so much as 1) she is more of an optimist and it's not easy for an optimist to understand a pessimists pov because optimists are constantly trying to focus on what's good and 2) she does seem to have a sense of her own worth and isn't going to beat herself down the way Nesta did, at least not to the extreme level did. She can still struggle with things while not self sabotaging. It's the same with Az and Lucien. Both Az and Lucien struggle with self worth and trauma but only one of the two is constantly trying to risk his life in foolish ways, arguing against orders, fixating on things he has no control over (i.e. Mor / mating bonds), brooding, distancing himself from the group. The other, despite his sadness, tries his best to focus on what he can control and I think that's Elain to a tee (T?).

And Elain has been open about the things she wants but she's never forced others to do them for her. For example, Nesta asked Elain whether she wanted to head to Prythian in book 2 or stay and Elain said she had to stay. Because she was engaged. So logically, it makes sense that she would. But never did she insist that Nesta had to stay with her, Nesta chose to stay. Elain should be allowed to make her own choices without someone calling her selfish.

I think she definitely could be labeled as selfish in the first two chapters of ACOTAR but I don't think we can say the same by the end of that first book. Some will claim Elain was selfish for bringing up their father to Nesta when, if she were observant as is claimed, she should have seen Nesta didn't want to talk about him, but.....Elain should be able to talk to her sister about their father because Elain lost him too. The trauma of their fathers death did not soley belong to Nesta (especially considering Elain actually loved him meaning she lost someone she was extremely close with) and while Nesta had a right to say she didn't want to talk about him, Elain is not wrong for attempting to bring him up in the first place.

And your comment:

"Ultimately I tell myself that it doesn’t matter how a character begins but rather how and what they grow into"

is hitting the nail on the head. Elain was meant to start in one place then grow from there but she's not going to grow into her full self until she's with the right people in the right place. I think the reason Elain's personality doesn't jump out to many is because she's not in the right place with the right people, just like Feyre wasn't fully herself in Spring and only came into who she was meant to be once she was in the NC. And maybe the reason there was more room for SJM to show us Nesta's personality was because as soon as Nesta ended up in the NC, she was with the right people in the right place. Her struggle came from letting go of her own self hatred but it was clear that she was free to be herself, even act out, because she belonged.

If Elain was super sassy, bubbly and outgoing in the Night Court then the entire narrative that SJM has built for her falls apart. She's got her full personality on mute because she's still waiting to find her own path with her own people and it's only then that her sisters will finally see her for all that she is too.

That's what I wish some in the fandom would understand about Elain. That they really shouldn't villain-ize a character for at times seeming odd and out of place, where she's in the background and not involved in the way the others because SJM has been hinting at her having to leave the NC before she can become true FMC energy. She's not going to have that energy before her book though even when she does, she's still going to be recognizable. She's still going to be loving and kind, she's still going to make friends easily, she's still going to want sunshine and nature. I think anyone trying to keep her in the NC tries to reason away the fact that they'd be sucking out a major part of her personality by claiming "Velaris has sunshine too! She can just avoid the Hewn City!" That's like saying someone can get the same sunshine in Alaska as they can the Bahamas.

But until it's time for her full arc, SJM has to keep Elain in a bit of a holding pattern since she's been driving home the narrative that she doesn't fit in where she's at. Elain isn't boring or worthless, she's just waiting for a reason to leave the NC and do her thing (again, something that won't happen until her book) and her individual journey can not be compared to Nesta's because no matter how much she fought it, Nesta always belonged in the NC and it was made clear to readers from the start.

[gaysonlyocean]

AUGHH IDK ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR OCS BUT I WANNA SO BAD so uhhmm hmhmh 3 5 7 12 16 aaand also favorite scene. can be written or unwritten I just wanna know where the emotions are tastiest

ITS OK IM MORE THAN HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT THEM!!!

3.) any recurring images/elements?

isolation, trauma, dysfunctional relationships, and maladaptive coping mechanisms are all in it :]

5.) pick a theme song for the tv adaptation.

that unwanted animal by the amazing devil! a line from it is in the description of the playlist!!

7.) how would you describe the relationships between the characters in the story within eight words or less?

oh fuck thats a hard one uhhhh:

caring but in the wrong way

12.) okay be honest. pick a favorite oc from this ocverse.

rose lemonade my Beloved the og oc for this, they came first and i love it so so much

16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

NOOOOO THAT WOULD TERRIBLE god theres a lot of characters im gonna have to add a read more

god ambrosi would NOT have tumblr hes too old for that 😭but if he did it would just be photos from his porch

adele would have a tumblr to post music on and at the start of the story she stop posting and then comes back at the end with a "sorry for the hiatus! i have a partner now and so much trauma"

odette canonically is a musician on youtube [think annapantsu] so et would just be posting as normal as if things arent going terribly wrong, so song covers and lil aesthetic reblogs

im not including the kids ones 5, ones 9 and the other is illiterate sobs none of them are getting tumblr, reuben also doesnt have a phone so hes not included but if he did have a phone hed be jsut posting blurry photos of the horrors

gabriel would just have a tumblr to reblog odettes posts to be proud of et, also would not be acknowledging the horrors

sasha would have a shitty meme tumblr i KNOW he would it would be full of things that were funny in 2011 and then reuben would steal his phone and post shit on it and get yelled at

elaine would have a studyblr! shes trying her hardest

madeleine is the only one with a fandom blog and ey starts posting "who would have thunk being hunted for sport sucks o_O" and eir posts take off

eran would be vagueposting about everyone and then reblogging gothic aesthetic shit

bernard would only use tumblr at the start as he tries to make a gofundme post and then the horrors happen

lenore would be reblogging all those post of like links to recipe pages and then stop posting for a week and come back with 5 million vent posts

maddie would get kung pow penised so fast

anyway for my favourite scene its gotta be the one at the motel!

ill set the scene: bernard has just seen his sisters blood hit the window of their motel room, he has his daughter in the room with him and this weird kid she befriended but his 5 year old son is Still Out There Somewhere, hes terrified, he doesnt know whats happening, all he knows is something is RIGHT outside, so he does the only thing he can think of: he grabs the two kids in the room and drags them into the closet with him, theres barely enough room but theres no where else that he can think of that will protect them from the fate waiting outside, the bathroom is too open and out in the room is as well, he hears his daughter tell him hes holding her too tight, that hes hurting her, but he cant let go, he just apologises and holds her tighter, desperately hoping that whatever that thing thats claw is scratching the window will leave

[hellas-himself]

Where There Are Shadows pt 32

so. two things. 

I am absolute Elriel trash. But I am also here for Elucien, but since this is Feyrhycien, we’re going with Elriel. 

I’m on and off with Nessian. I eat it up when I read fics on here, but when I read the books I remember how she treats everyone and it irks my soul. But I love her in my own way. 

So with that being said, happy hump day. 

.

.

.

-Feyre-

 Elain was a giggling mess as I buttoned up the back of her dress. It was perhaps as Night Court as I would ever see my sister. It was similar to the dress I’d worn the night Rhys and I had invited Lucien to dinner at the House all those months ago, except hers was not backless and wherever there was skin exposed, she’d had it altered to at least a sheer panel of fabric which somehow made it that more alluring.

“You might just give Azriel a heart attack,” I said when I finished and we stared at her reflection in the mirror.

“If he didn’t pass out yesterday, I think he’ll be fine,” she said as she began to fret over her hair. “You’d think they’d announce themselves when they arrive.”

I snorted. Elain and I had been up on the patio sunbathing yesterday morning and when I realized all three males had finally come back from the Steppes, we’d run inside in our towels. Rhys could not have been happier, but Az…

“I can’t believe you walked right up to him and said hello before disappearing into your room.”

“It’s not like he was going to!”

I helped her pin some of her hair back.

“Elain Archeron, where is your modesty!”

She laughed.

“I must have lost it outside in the garden.”

“Maybe Az found it and has it in his pocket.”

“I’ll have to ask him for it, then.”

Gods, this ease in which Elain and I could talk to one another… We had never had this. I hated that Nesta was missing out on it. On seeing Elain break free of her shell and doing things solely because they made her happy, not because they were expected of her. And my goal was to give Elain a night she would never forget.  

All eyes were on Elain when we made it downstairs, Cassian whistling as she walked by. Amren was quick to come admire the gold bracelet inlaid with pink stones while Rhys showered us both with compliments. Varian raised his glass at her from where he sat.

When we sat down, Cassian was kind enough to bring us some wine.

“Shame Az isn’t here for dinner,” Cas said with a sigh, making Rhys roll his eyes.

“Feyre and I are going out today,” Elain declared. I noticed that she searched the room but did not find who she was looking for. If she was disappointed she didn’t say anything.

“You’re all dressed up like that and you’re not even having dinner with us?” Cassian asked, genuinely surprised. Elain blushed.

“No,” I said. Cassian looked disappointed.

“But you and Rhys could walk us to where we’re going,” Elain kindly offered to which Cassian happily accepted. 

.

“Have you ever been here before?” Rhys asked, looking at Elain as she shook her head.

Cas had his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.

“I’ve never been here before either,” he whispered.

“Mor suggested it,” I replied and he sighed.

“That explains it.”

I poked his side as we approached the two fae standing before a set of double doors. Arm in arm, Rhys led Elain inside, Cas and I following. The owner of the venue greeted us personally before guiding us upstairs to the private area I had requested.

“Feyre!” Elain exclaimed, letting go of Rhys to pull me away from Cas. She led me to a painting that hung on the wall.

“So that’s where Mor put it,” I muttered, feeling my face get warm. It was a painting of Velaris from my point of view up at the House of Wind.  

“It is an honor to have your work here, my Lady,” the owner said.

“Thank you,” was all I could manage to say. Elain laughed at me for it.

Rhysand went to speak with the owner and soon, we were left to our own devices. We walked its gilded halls hand in hand, admiring the paintings and the chandeliers that hung from the ceiling. We’d had this once, even if I did not remember much of it. But what little good I’d had as a child, Elain was there.

“What are you smiling about?” she asked as I held out my hand to continue on.

“I like seeing you happy.”

The sound of music grew louder the closer we got to the doors at the end of the hall.

“It sounds like a ball,” Elain mused, her eyes sparkling with delight.

Cassian and Rhys did us the honors of opening the doors for us.

And it was better than I had imagined.

Standing beneath a canopy of flowers and fae light was Azriel, who looked as if he had just finished decorating the room. My sister gasped, eyes wide. There were two long tables covered in trays of food, and a table solely for drinks. The quartet played from the dais on the far end of the room which was as large as a ball room. It was just as grand as the rest of the building, boasting a large chandelier and floor to ceiling windows that gave us a beautiful view of Velaris.

“Feyre… What did you do?”

“I may have let slip that tonight was very important.”

Her eyes widened.

“Just go to him,” I whispered, giving her a gentle nudge. As she made her way over, a smile blossomed on Azriel’s face that was so devastatingly beautiful I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to capture it perfectly.

“What is all this?” she asked Azriel, bringing her hands to his chest as she admired the detail on his waist coat. He took her hands in his and kissed them.  

“Happy birthday,” he said softly.

Her laughter was melodious.  

“Azriel… It’s beautiful.”

Whatever he said to her was lost on me as everyone walked in, complimenting the room and how both Elain and Azriel were dressed.

“Am I the only one who didn’t know about this?”

Cassian wrapped an arm around me.

“Elain didn’t know.”

“I resent that.”

I leaned into him.

“You’ll forgive me.”

“Really?”

I nodded, watching Elain admire the flowers with Az. Mor looked in awe of the room and was chatting away with Amren while Varian approached them with drinks. Guests from all over arrived, those who had come to know Elain and wanted to share this night with us.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Cas. “Rhys is looking a little lonely.”

Cassian laughed as I walked off to where Rhysand was standing, taking everything in.

“You pulled it off,” he said with a smile.

“With a lot of help.”

“You look exquisite, Feyre.”

I blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

His laughter warmed my heart. The way he looked at me never ceased to give me butterflies, to make me feel altogether vulnerable and safe. 

Elain danced with nearly everyone, even Rhysand. Those two did nothing but laugh the entire time, especially when they saw me watching. When Azriel swept her off her feet, quite literally, we all tried to pretend we weren’t watching them dance. But I had the feeling they saw no one else but each other.

As the party began to wind down, we found Cassian handing Elain a small glass. She eyed him with a determination that reminded me of Nesta, of me. And she drank the whole thing and held the glass out for more.

And so began their game.

They tried racing one another back to the townhouse, but that ended with Cassian slipping and Elain stopping to laugh at him. Cassian goaded the rest of us into his little game, until we were all drunk. When Elain beat Cas in finishing her drink, we all applauded. Az was watching her with a little smile on his face, not as drunk as the rest of us, but enough to not care that we saw him smiling as he looked at her.

When the time came for presents, she thanked us all individually as we passed them to her. A pair of earrings from Rhys, a set of gardening tools from Cas. Amren and Varian had given her flowers from the Summer Court to be sent to the greenhouse, which left her beaming.

The room went still as Elain opened Azriel’s gift.

“Azriel, this is too much.” She held up the little gold necklace by the blue stone that hung from it. Her eyes met his and then she was smiling as she rose to her feet. “Put it on for me.”

Azriel went to stand behind her, and the way his fingers brushed across her skin reminded me of how Rhys used to be with me, in the beginning. I wasn’t sure why I remembered the first time he’d helped me into fighting leathers but when I looked at Rhys, he was grinning like the insufferable prick that he was. I rolled my eyes, before looking away to find the Elain hugging Az, leaving him blushing.

And then came my gift.

“Just once, Elain. If you hate it, I’ll give you the back up present.”

“A back up present?” she asked, lifting the little top I’d had made for her. It was like every other Night Court outfit Rhys had ever given me, but hers was a deep blue, almost black. Little silver beads hung from the hem of the top. The pants had a silver chain that hung loose on the hips, both pant legs made of the sheer fabric I’d come to cherish in this summer heat. With a giggle, she took Cassian’s drink from his hand and finished it, excusing herself from the room.

When she walked back, I think we all held our breath. These clothes, they were made for a figure like hers. She was blushing as she went to sit between Cassian and Mor again. She’d never shown this much skin before, but I suppose after our little incident yesterday, this was nothing.

And then, Mor passed her a little pink bag, a bag I knew far too well thanks to Rhysand and Lucien. My sister peeked inside and turned red in the face.  

“I think I sent Az the matching set when we got here, but honestly, any of these three might have it on their dresser,” Mor said with a hiccup, pointing to Cassian and Rhys. “Whoever has it, make sure it makes its way to Azriel.”

But Az didn’t even seem bothered, even as we all laughed. If anything, there was a light in his eyes that I had never seen before.

“Az,” Elain said as she held up the scraps of lace long enough that I knew he was able to discern what they were, before she returned them to their bag. “I think I dropped my modesty outside in the garden. Feyre said you may have found it.”

The room went quiet as their eyes met and if this was how Rhys and I made everyone else feel, I almost felt bad.

“You left it on the desk in my office. I’d been waiting for you to come back so that I might return it,” he said so seriously that we all stared at him until he and Elain burst into laughter.

By the end of the night, Az was passed out on the sofa, Elain curled up beside him. Mor was snoring and Rhys was stuck beneath his cousin who had rested her head on his lap.

“I have to do one more thing, then I’ll come save you,” I whispered to him. He smiled, waving me off. He alone had helped me with this last part of the night. But he had felt his brother would not have accepted it from anyone else.

I had expected to find Cassian passed out on the bed, but he was wide awake, eyeing me from where he stood, tying up his hair.

“You finally get the room to yourself,” I said softly. He chuckled.

“He’ll wake up and come push me off.”

I walked in the room and made my way towards him. I knew I looked suspicious, especially with my hands behind my back.

“I doubt it.”

He raised a brow. “What are you up to?”

“Well, I discovered something I felt that the Lord Commander needed to know.”

His sudden seriousness nearly made me laugh.

“I need you to know, Cassian, that you are by far one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had. And I need you to know that I love you.”

I held out the little box to him. He looked too stunned for words.

“I can’t go back in time and grace your life with my presence every year,” I said, which finally made him laugh. “But I’m here now. And no one gets away with hiding their birthday from me. Ever.”

“Feyre…”

“I know it was a few days ago, but I hadn’t found anything that screamed your name at me.”

“It’s usually a female doing that,” he said as he took the box from my hand.

“Now you know why I never visit your house.”

We both laughed. He undid the ribbon and set the lid aside.

“What’s this?”

“I’m not sure if it fits, but we can fix that if it doesn’t.”

He held up the gold band, the obsidian stone glimmering in the fae light. It was simple, but there was something about it that told me he needed to have it.

“No one’s ever given me anything like this.” His voice was nearly a whisper. Was he going to cry?

“Try it on.”

He let me slide the ring on his finger. It fit perfectly.

“Thank you, Feyre. I don’t really know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that it matters. That you matter. That every year that we get to have you in our lives, is something worth celebrating.”

I wasn’t expecting to see tears in his eyes. But there they were. I pulled him into a hug which made him laugh.

“I love you, Feyre.”

“I know,” I said with a laugh. “I love you, too.”

“I forgive you, by the way.”

I giggled. “Told you.”

By the time I went downstairs to get Rhys, he was already asleep. He didn’t stir until I’d managed to move Mor to the other side.

His eyes fell on me, red and glassy.

“There you are,” he said. “My salvation.”

Rhys got to his feet and chuckled when he almost lost his footing. Once he was ready to walk, I led him up the stairs, but he missed a step and pulled me down with him. We tried not to laugh, but then when I tried to stand up, Rhys pulled me to his lap. His kiss was greedy, and his wandering hands were going to get us in trouble.

“Rhys,” I whispered. “We can’t have sex on the stairs.”

“Why?” he asked as he kissed my neck.

“Everyone is here.” He stopped, and I felt this sudden panic down the bond.

“Not everyone,” he said quietly, looking at me with such sadness, I would have winnowed us right to the Day Court if I knew we’d make it there in one piece. “Lucien isn’t here.”

I kissed Rhysand with as much fervor as he’d kissed me.

“Lucien wouldn’t fuck you on the stairs in front of everyone. He’d wait till everyone was in their room.”

“He would,” Rhys said with a big smile as I pulled him to his feet.

“When he comes back home, we’ll have plenty of new stairwells you two can make use of. For now, we have the bed. Now walk.”

.

Being hungover was never enjoyable. It was even less so, walking into a small bar in the early hours of morning, wishing that I hadn’t made this arrangement. But I’d already walked out here and I had to get it over with.

Nesta was sitting in the back, as she always did. She looked as bad as I felt. And yet, her eyes still held nothing but resentment when she saw me approach. I knew I probably still had Rhys’ scent all over me, but Lucien’s too, as I was wearing his shirt that I’d found at the bottom of the drawer. And when she sniffed at me when I neared the table, I almost saw red. I would never judge her for the males I knew left her apartment, the one I could scent on her now. It was none of my business, as long as no one hurt her, just like who I slept with was none of her business. Even if her gaze told me exactly what she thought of that.

“I was beginning to think you’d make me walk to your house.”

I sat down, reaching into my pocket to hand her the folded note for the rent. There might have been surprise in her eyes as she took it.

“For this, you could have sent it with the courier.”

“For what? So you could send it back without even bothering to read it?”

I saw the anger in her eyes but I was too tired to let it unsettle me. I was hungry. And I wanted to go back home to be there when Elain woke up to find herself in Azriel’s arms on the sofa beneath the blanket Cassian had so kindly draped over them.

“I don’t see how that was any of your concern.”

“You missed her birthday.”

“I had no reason to be there.”

“You could have gone to the townhouse to see her.” I knew my voice was harsher than I had meant it to be. “You could have written a note. She misses you, Nesta.”

“Your little party was all anyone talked about last night, I’m sure that her evening was perfect without me.”

“You could not be more wrong.”

She glared at me for a time.

“Are we done?”

“No,” I said. “The house is almost finished. We’re inviting everyone over once we’re settled in. I want you to be there.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my sister. What other reason do I need to want you around?”

She rose to her feet. She was wearing someone else’s shirt and a pair of pants that might have been mine once but it was stained with wine and Mother knew what else.

“Forgive me for not wanting to be subject to the judgement of your family.”

“You are my family, Nesta.”

“Yes. The way mother was.”

.

.

.

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[spoiledsandi-blog]

Elriel vs Gwynriel vs Elucien crackships

It seems as if everyone is jumping or abandoning certain ships after the whole Az Pov in the BAM exclusive edition. I am someone who was an Elucien shipper but after that chapter it kinda made me feel bad for Elain. That her relationship is tied to someone whom she doesn’t want. I’ve often seen people hate on Elain to an unnecessary level because she’s not as fierce as everyone thinks she should be. I feel like there’s another side to Elain that we just haven’t touched yet and considering that she’s been looking at Az for the longest there has to be a reason why. She lost the love of her life because of her turning fae and losing her humanity. I think Nesta points that out when she talks about having a mate with the argument with Cassian. Now I like Gwyn she’s a cool character, but Az needs to get his shit together. He continues to bounce between women and with Elain I felt like he was able to get over Mor. With the help of Elain and that both Elain and Azriel seem to care about each other a lot. You see that also in Acosf when Nesta made Elain cry and Azriel became angry.

I feel like people dont give Elain enough credit and allow her to make the choices she wants to make. Everything that involves her has to do with somebody else and people forget that Elain wants happiness just as much as Azriel does. When he gave her necklace away I was surprised that he took a gift that was meant for her and gave it to someone else. To me it seems like that will come back to bite him in the ass later on. Elain does have feelings and no one seems to take that to account to the point that the whole Lucien and Elain situation seems more political than anything. I find it unfair that Az cant be with Elain because of Lucien, and Elain cant be with anyone else because of that bond that was forced upon her. Yes I want Lucien to be happy, but not at the expense of something that was forced. I want true happiness with both Elain and Lucien and people are always like well she never gives him a chance. To me that sounds like people who get into arranged marriages and don’t wanna be together and everyone is pushing them to just try it out for the sake of trying it out. Lucien is barely around and there’s no connection other than the bond so there’s no love nor friendship in that. Do people just expect her to never be with anyone else as long as that bond is there? Thats unfair to Elain and Lucien who could have so many options.

I hate how everyone just focuses on mating bonds when mating bonds aren’t always as cracked up as they make it seem. Cant two people love eachother just for the sake of love even if there is a bond? Then theres this thing with the cauldron could be wrong and then there’s the theory that the mating bond could be rejected. Then there's this thing where Gwyn has pliable bones for bat babies? Like come on people can fall and love and not have children Azriel himself has said that he doesn’t care if he has them or not. Nesta was able to change her form to accommodate them and since that power was somewhat given back to the cauldron couldn’t someone like Elain take it back and do the same? I feel like there will be drama in the next book between Gwyn and Elain. I think jealousy could ensue since everyone is in this happy little relationship besides her. Plus side note Gwyn was raped not even two years before all of this and had her first taken from her. If Az and Gwyn did get together and they thought about there first time how would they even approach that? Especially seeing as she was afraid of men for the longest time and with Azriel being a loose cannon it seems how would that reflect on her perspective seeing as all’s she’s ever known is men trying to kill them basically? It just seems strange and how this “Freak” aspect of Azriel would come out? Now im all for forbidden romance and them sneaking out just once, and sleeping with one another to just set something off. I hope the next book is just one huge drama fest because that would make it extremely interesting.

[shadowhunterssizzy]

One last thing

I’m going to take a much needed break after this because i’m not sure i’m gonna continue on with the series. I’m running on 4 hours of sleep so probably my thoughts are incoherent and don’t make sense, so bare with me. 

I’m not gonna lie, the Azriel POV felt like a blow and a slap to the face all at once. I kept rereading it because i love pain and I felt mora towards Gwyn than elriel, and this comes from someone that has been shipping elriel since acomaf. I love them. I truly do. I wanted to explore the mating bond not working, the choosing someone over your mate, but azriel’s pov didn’t give me anything like that. It just reforced the fears I had once I knew about gwyn some days before. Now I’m sure Gwyn is great. I’m sure she will be great with Azriel. Sarah loves to explore healing dynamics and i think azriel and gwyn fits that. A victim of assault healing and a guy who has been in love for 500 years and obsessed with another girl he can’t have but finally finding love and healing as well. And this is where my thoughts starts to ramble again:

1. Why didn’t we get elain’s pov?. In the previous book we got Nesta’s but in this one we get Azriel’s , why?. Why not make the sister POV and see her struggles with the mating bond and her attractions towars azriel?. Well, in my eyes it’s because the next book is not about her

2. The 3some situation. Let’s be honest. We all knew it will be a threesome but this isn’t even one. Now we have a mating bond and gwyn. All of this in one book. Tamlin, rhysand and rhys conflict was resolved in two, not in one, and sarah said that each book will focus ON ONE COUPLE. Not two potentials couples. ONE COUPLE EACH. This has been stated by Sarah on her lives, so pardon me but I’m not seeing this going anywhere.

3. Gwyn and Azriel: We know that Az saved her. It’s clear that meant something to Gwyn and he was amused by her. Now people said Gwyn’s arc is completed but is it?. IT’S NOT. Gwyn is not a Valkirie yet and Nesta states that Az and Cassian will still train them and keep an eye on them. Gwyn goes back to the library but her story is nowhere to be completed. The valkyrie training and their dynamic to fight Koschei is still there. Her story might be almost completed but there’s something else to tell. She will still train and Az will monitor. The link is there. Meanwhile we don’t know much about Elain. Like we know Koschei wants her but it doesn’t seem like that’s the next plot, it seems most likely the last one

4. Azriel is horny: When i read his interactions with elain i was like ok.... they had an attraction but is there anything else?. Sure, we got crumbs for 3 books but Nesrin and Chaol did and look where they end up with. Chaol with Yrene a character that was introduced later even though he had a story with Nesrin. Now azriel seems to be angry at the cauldron for not pairing him with elain but is it really about her? Or is it because he wanted a mate so badly after spending 500 years with Mor?. Is it because his brothers found mates and he was like what about me?. Maybe this is exactly what sarah was trying to told us all the time. 3 Ylirians with the 3 sisters its not okay. Azriel questions the mother, and maybe that’s the conflict. He wants a mate so badly and someone who will love him and he will lust and be attracted to complicated but what happens when he will find something different?. Something that is healing and it’s there and he never expected?. Maybe the cauldron and the mother didn’t link him to elain because it wasn’t mean to happen. 

5. but..what about elain?. A lot of people said she’s been avoiding lucien and it’s right. We don’t know how she feels towards him really, mostly indiference and I hate the idea of her being forced into something. But we forget lucien and elain’s story is not finished and there’s a TRUE mating bond there plus Gwyn. It’s too much... Maybe elain needed to pursue someone else before realizing the world and the cauldron gave her a mate because that’s how it works. Maybe both elain and azriel needed to find each other to realize what really was there for them. Gwyn and Lucien. Now i don’t like the idea of neither of them and I won’t be reading that for sure. Bceuase 3 books of crumbs and little built up and a chapter of azriel confirming he is into elain just to be taken away after 5 minutes to pursue the gwyn narrative feels LIKE A SLAP INTO MY FACE. It feels as if sarah is saying well you know what you were right for 5 minutes but YOUR TIME IS UP, DING DONG DING WAKE UP!. It feels like she wanted a quick solution for the crumbs and she was like sure, they want to fuck but you know what they can’t because elain is with lucien and the mating bond will show her eventually and now az has someone who will make him realize elain and mor were nothing so let’s continue because elriel is over. You got your 5 minutes now let’s go back to the mating bond

6. Gwyn. Sarah has always stated her books are about healing and a personal journey. Gwyn is a victim of sexual assault and azriel saved her. By the end of the book azriel looks..happy. He seems comfortable with Gwyn. Eased. His shadows sing, he is a singer and so is she. He can imagine her face while getting that necklace and HE IS TREASURING THAT THOUGHT. He has hope again because gwyn is there and he can see her gleaming eyes and theres a true beauty there... Now we can agree it’s shitty what he did with the neclace but was he that moved about the fact that elain gave back the neclakce? He didn’t look that bothered. And it’s clear there’s a seed for gwyn and elain and it’s a strong one otherwise he wouldn’t have smiled thinking about her or end the chapter thinking about her face or slept perfectly. 

7. Going back to the mating thing. Rhys said that usually males will go crazy and females can’t be completely unaffected. There’s a story with Kodschei, Vassa and elain seems like the key. Maybe they will need elain to fight Koschei in the end and elain will be willing to go with lucien since azriel hurted her. Maybe realizing az is not there will finally allow her to open her eyes and at least try. Let’s be honest, elain was not fond of meeting lucien but maybe it was because she felt like she had no choice. Maybe in the end azriel it’s just the push for her to finally try to give lucien a try. Without azriel elain probably wouldn’t have talk to lucien. But if she is hurt maybe she will try to give lucien a chance and azriel and her will part ways. Maybe az and elain are just the push they needed to move on.

8. I know there are crumbs. I know he is protective of elain and he cares about her. But honestly in his POV it doesn’t look like it. It’s just look like a 5 year old kid who was pissed at the cauldron. And let’s be honest all his brothers has mates, az will find one, specially since sarah said she is excited to give him a story. I believe az and elain are the nesryn /chaol/yrene of all this. Sarah loves love triangles but usually they always end up with the later: aelin with rowan, dorian with manon, chaol with yrene.... usually the first one it’s never the option. Chaol had development with celaena. There was attraction but in the end neither of them were together. Feyre had a relationship with tamlin. They were in love and yet she needed time to realize rhys was the one. It took her some time to heal and yet she find her mate. This is the exact same thing. Crumbs for elriel but at the end there’s someone else, and the mother is there. Maybe that’s why the cauldron didn’t connect them. Because there was someone else

9. But..the mating bond rejection?. Rhys forgot about that one. There’s a trial. There is no way lucien is going to die and there’s no way azriel is gonna challenge him with a war coming. That would be too messy and we would need lucien present to see everything. Lucien will have to go back, see azriel and elain, accepted it and fight or not Az. is all of this going to happen in one book?. Withour gwyn maybe but gwyn is there.

10. How is elain feeling?. I haven’t forgotten about her. I’m surprised we didn’t get her POV and we got azriel’s. She gave the neclace back and she is avoiding him at all costs. We don’t know what is going through her mind and she is alone now. Her sisters are happy. Azriel seems happy with gwyn. She is alone with a mating bond and koschei after her and nesta. I don’t know how she is feeling and honestly i believe elain and az deserved better. Deserved better that this poorly written narrative where they lust after each other, give gifts to each other just to end up separated and azriel having other woman, his shadows singing and him treasuring the image of her and the blossomed beauty. A secret, treasured beauty. That’s about gwyn. And i think in the end sarah j maas got what she wanted. The mating bonds all in place at the expense of elriel. I know there’s a chance I’m wrong. But it feels like elriel was there for a minute and then it was crashed. The pov is not about elriel It’s about azriel finding someone else and having another crush. It’s about rejection and healing again. It’ about az being pissed at the cauldron for not getting a mate but maybe not realizing the true one is out there. It’s all about elriel being attracted to each other but for what?.

I’m sure i’m missing a lot of stuff. I’m sure gwyn is great and lovely and her story with az will be epic. I’m sure the mating bonds work and elucien will be great in the future. But it’s the same thing over and over again and i’m tired of couples being hinted just to be the realization of other couples being the true endgame. And elriel feels like a temporary thing sarah wrote.

Now i know i sound like a hater or someone who doesn’t like elriel. But it’s quite the opposite. I loved them for years. I knew they had all the odds against them, just like chaol and celaena did. I know they found great lovers. But i can’t help feeling like losing because nothing about his POV seems right and i’m failing to forget the last part of that chapter and az’s feelings towards gwyn. And i think deep down i truly lost with them

[moltazia]

A court of silver flames plot rewrite

Plot doctor. SPOILERS!!!

ok so i really dislike the latest ACOTAR book, it really undercut the illyrians as cool warriors and the achievements of rhys, cas and azriel for reaching the mountain. Really 3 people whos trained for a year is alot better than people whos trained their whole life?? it also really ignored Nestas actuall skillset and seemed to try and make her feyre 2.0. in this feyre is also very much not pregnant. that whole plotline deserves its own book and since they said they wanted to wait i think it can happen 50 years into the future or something rather than the immidiate next book from the one saying they wanted to wait. also no attempted rape tacked on plot or 3 objects everyone just forgot about. if i was to do a rewrite of the plot beats and settings of the book it would go something like this:

we move it so nesta actually moves to the illyrian camp full time for her intervention. with how the human society is structured this fits her better than velaris with the more strict and defined gender roles, we can explore here how in a way she is quite alike to illyrians. cassian is frustrated that she is not on his side when it comes to training women. we see flashbacks of her life and how it was beaten into her by her parents and everyone around her that it was mens job to care for women and it was horrible and unsightly if a woman tried to do anything on her own or push to hard for something with physical force.

she helps with the womens chores but are also confronted with the ones who want more out of life and they ask her why she thinks why shouldnt they be allowed. not all women will suddenly be trained, just the ones who want to. she comes around. she makes friends with the female shop keeper, she really likes the idea of being in control of making and having her own money. flashback to the cottage, her frustration with her father for not fulfillinf the role of provider and leader he was "supposed to" and her not being able to bring herlsef to chop the wood because it will ruin her hands, hands she was told to take care of because it was a sign she was a lady. her admiration for feyre for bringing them food but that first instinct to shun her for not being feminine or adhering to her role is very strong. she doesnt know how to handle it.

life in camp settles into a routine a bit, she sees cassian caring for his people and being a gentle person, she finds this very admirable and thirts a bit. sexism being directed at her, now that shes settled in with the women well the other illyrians have started to regard her as "just another woman" she gets angry and it becomes a bigger spat. she gets some approving comment from the more outspoken women who wants to train. she asks cassian to show her some basic defense moves.

she sees a wing clipping when cassian is gone to inspect some other camt´p and she tries to intervene she cant do anything since shes too weak and illyrians are stone hard super warriors. she makes the bargain with Cassian this time its for protection if another spat happends and so through the bargain she could summon him.

the evil queen attacks the camp with autumn court soldiers. its a disaster and alot of people die. since it was made clear they were soley after nesta she gets blamed for the attack in the high emotions after when people find their loved ones dead. she cant stay in the camp any longer.

cassian and her leaves for the court of nightmares, meeting up with the gang and Eris to discuss whats happened.(before eris arrives it is tense between her and feyre, fyre tries to hug her after hearing what happened and nest cant stand to ahve someone be kind to her after feeling like shes to blame and shrugs her off) it is agreed since nesta is a mostly neutral person to the rest of the courts and the one most trained in court manners she will be the one to go with Eris back to the autumn court to investigate. cassian will come with her as her personal guard. as the queens sister it is not something off about that arrangement. to give a reason for her to visit the autumn court they decide to fake a romance between eris and nesta. same ballroom scene as in the book.

longer flashback of nestas life right before poverty, shes the ultimate mean girl and a social butterfly, switching masks to be different people to different artistocrats with ease. shes admired and she holds high society in her small lace gloved hand. they arrive in the autumn court. she gets a "low" faerie assigned to her as a handmaiden. she has a audience with Beron and his wife.

Eris is a much better mirror for nesta than cassian. he is the same as her in many regards, growing up in a strict role. missing a step in the social dance can mean death (symbolically for nesta growing up, real here). putting on an uncaring mask to not show how intensly you care is a big theme in this part. Eris and Nesta are great at playing "the game" toghether and cassian as her silent bodyguard grows to admire her slyness and how great an actress she is, manipulating the courtiers to giving information and making accurate conclusions from their clothes and manners ("we can pressure X person to do this, their clothes are a season old and they are doing their own hair because its messier in the back where they cant see it in the mirror, this means they cant afford a hand maid anymore. give them a bribe and they will do anythign" etc). she and eris starts growing a friendship of two people who see alot of themselves in eachther.

they are figuring out the evil queen, but some moves from the enemy doesnt make sense, theres a third player in this game they realise (death god lake dude). the trio have become comfortable with each other and are hanging out and putting together their intel and gossip. Nesta becomes friends with her handmaiden. this helps break down her elitist and class barriers in her head a bit. while feyre has her painting it is to messy for nesta when she tried it.  but shes always loved clothes (we can see a bit of it in the first book even), she starts putting her own touch on dresses throughout the book and starts designing her own even. we can see how many in the court she has won over to her, cassians and eris´s side by what courtiers copy details from her designs.

she makes her handmaiden some nice outfits. we can also learn what nesta likes about herself here, in the dresses she designs: what does she emphasize, what does she hide? while she probably has a whole range of outfits to make her look anything from innocent to evil queen what does she wear when shes just "nesta"?  Feyre once remarked she hated her eyes because they reminded her of her mother and nesta. does nesta feel the same way or does she like her eyes for just the same reason? combat training with cassian continues in secret. some fun wrestling or close combat fighting flirting. she reflects on the fact that while she "let loose" in velaris and slept around she would never sleep with him casually, she knows it would mean somethign and she wouldnt be able to brush it off if she did. he asks her to teach him something aswell or explain some etiquette thing. idk, poin is that they are learning from eachother and admire each others strenghts. she says to him she thinks hes very brave to never masks his feelings but notes it leaves him open to manipulation easily. he asks back if shes then thinks herself a coward for always masking herself. conversation started out nice but turns sour.

Autumn court outing, she and cassian makes up and she opens up to him about her and feyres realtionship. we can also maybe get some more background on why shes so protective of elain here, as someone whos described to be so beautiful and charming i dont buy its because someone was like once mean to her. elain would have been popular in her own right.

she and eris ride together and jokes and such, he makes some halfjoking remark about cassian maybe and she defends him. they talk about family pressures and parental figures who are very imposing and bossy while the other is passive (something they have in common) eris lets down his guard a bit and talks about how he doesnt want to be like that, he doesnt want his future partner to be trapped in the same situation either. she talks about how she never really thought about how married life would be like growing up, everythign was about getting married. the after wasnt something discussed. she thinks about if she would ever want a family, she probably assumed she would have children one day (it was expected) but the only thing she can imagine is a perfect child like she was. she starts being afraid of if she has children she would turn into her mother. she has a quick image of cassian as a dad with a smiling little girl in his arms.

throughout this whole thing nesta is writing letters to the night court, it is expected since shes the high ladys sister and since they are surely read they use it to throw suspicion in the wrong places to beron about what she sees and suspects. but as she writes and recieves back letters and she reflects and improves on who she is, her letters become more heartfelt. doing some work to improve their relationship a bit. in her dresses she starts sewing in hidden pockets. Cassian gifts her a dagger, saying he thinks she will be able to be marginally more dangerous to others than herself by now with it. she makes a special hidden pocket for it and always has it on her.

the trio finds out who in the autumn court is the death gods agent and kidnaps them. azriel comes by to get information through torture but the agent does not break. Nesta goes in and through playing a perfect balance between caring and arrogant she gets the agent to slip up and give them a clue about where they will strike next, what they are after. Azriel is impressed, notes she is a a great interrogator and would make a great spy for him. he also notes to cassian about how shes changed alot since he saw her last. more focused and balanced in herself. Eris notes how she reminds him of Amarantha from the first book before she betrayed everyone and cassian gets mad he would say something like that. back and forth but and eris notes how "a knife is a knife, its about how its wielded." and pointing out that just because a person was an enemy on the battlefield doesnt mean he couldnt admire a skilled warrior. and so likening her to amarantha was a compliment. cassian huffily agrees and sees their, to his mind, more boring socialite nights with a new eye. same revelation as in the original book when nesta read battlefield books and saw how like it was to a court but for cassian instead.

the clue from the death gods agent leads them to trying to go after the mcguffin under the guise of a romantic trip. think a bunch of weapons hidden in a picknic basket. Handmaiden comes along to make it look real. on the perilous trip they all work together and and finally gets it, on the way back to bring the macguffin to meet up with nighcourt gang so amren can study it, they get attacked by the queens cronies again. Eris has the mcguffin and the handmaiden on his horse and rides off, making the smart decision to first and foremost get it out of the enemies reach and try and lure them off cassian and nesta. it doesnt work. the evil queen is overcome by her hatred for nesta and order her soldier after her instead of the mcguffin. nestas had some training but cant hold off soldiers whos trained for centuries and gets taken. she sees cassian being overwhelmed but still trying to get to her. she invokes the bargain of favour they made to force him to abandon her. they share a long look before he is forced by the bargain to fulfill her wish.

Eris and Cassian meets up the NC gang and they are besides themselves. a rescue mission is put toghether. Feyre insists on coming "she came for me, trying to pass the wall". handmaiden stays with azriel and amren.

Nesta wakes up in The evil queens castle. we get some one on one talks with the villain. we get insight into her motivations and why she valued her youth so much. we get to see how Nesta used to also think the most valuable thing about herself was how well she could appeal to others and the power that gave in a society wich was designed to make her powerless. she now finds it a bit sad and reflects on how much she values her new friendships and how cassian would probably still like her even if she wasnt traditionally beautiful anymore. The Villain starts draining her blood bathory style to get her youth back. agents of the deathgod comes and makes her stop before Nesta dies. he has bigger plans for her. Evil Queen looses her shit at not getting to kill her.

we see eris, feyre, and cass making plans for how to get in and rescue Nesta. some heart to heart between feyre and Cas about his feelings for Nesta and how hes holding off on showing her them. He talks about how hes seen alot get thrown at her. he talks about how she havent gotten to choose alot in her life and so in a way he hates the bond because he himself realises that that is yet another thing she havent gottent to choose. feyre wonders if nesta thinks he isnt attracted to her. that she thinks cassian only said what he said in the heat of the moment on the battefield. Cassian is dumbstruck by how anyone could not be attracted to nesta.

Evil queen comes by to taunt nesta in her cell. they exchange barbs and she lies and says she killed "her warrior" to mess with her. Nesta doesnt believe her but still gets anxious. has a twinge of doubt anyones goign to rescue her. elaine has always been with her when things go bad and a part of her thinks they only got rescued because of her since everyone loves elaine and now when its just her will they still come?

shes to be transported somwhere by the evil deathgods cronies and the evil queen is accommpanying them. the rescue trio sees them leaving. their whole plan on infiltration flies out the window and they have to move quick. Feyre uses her shape shifting to look human and makes herself bait. running at the caravan of nestas captors when theyve left the city (a castle usually have a city around it) screaming theres fae attacking from there pointing to the right as eris and cass attack from the completely opposite side. in the chaos nesta gets loose and starts running for the trees evil queen blindly pursue her and tries to kill her. with her arms free she grabbs the hidden dagger from her dress and kills the queen in self defense. the rescue trio finds her and they all go back to Night Court.

the book concludes with her and cassian having a heart to heart about how he was so worried he would loose her again and she admitting how she certainly feels somethign for him but she wants to take it slow. (her being terrified of showing her true raw feelings have yet to be resolved. her admitting this much is a big step forward for her) and they have a super smoldery kiss.

end of book. sets up evil lake dude as big baddie, nesta gets to have her own skillset instead of being yet another warrior and next book can build on the change illyrian culture regarding women plot aswell. and makes the sex have some build up.

this whole thing was of course just my personal opinion, and an impulsive plot and theme re-write. rant over.

[bastardsonofday]

It Starts with a Bike Lock

written to blow off steam

i felt bad theres no content im producing so have this *shrug emoji*

You accidently locked your bike to mine and i cant leave until you get off work au

ao3    chapter two

The first words Lucien Vanserra ever says to Rhysand Fitznox are “Hey Asshole!”

Rhysand knows Lucien Vanserra, the other man is a lackey of his worst enemy (though the two have never spoke before, only glared across the room at one another while Tamlin ranted), but he doesn’t know what in specific he’s done to incur Vanserra’s wrath. The man is sitting on the ground though his meeting with Rhysand’s Second ended quite a while ago (Rhysand is sure). He glares up at Rhys, his red hair braided professionally in dutch pigtails (Rhys almost giggles at the sight, he looks so… hot, but odd if he has to be honest). Lucien’s prosthetic eye doesn’t swivel up to meet his, instead staring blankly ahead. His legs are pulled up to his butt to let people pass on the sidewalk, and there is a small pile of coins next to him as if someone tossed him them because they thought he was homeless—which Rhys is pretty sure he’s not.

“Pardon?” Rhys says slowly.

“What have you never used a fucking lock before? Do you know how long I had to wait here, you ass? Tamlin’s already back at headquarters and I here I am waiting for you, you fucking moron-”

“I’m sorry, why are you insulting me?”

Lucien stares at him like he’s crazy. He points to the rack of bikes next to him. One of which is Rhysand’s. Normally Rhys doesn’t even own a bike but Elain made him start this ‘Go Green!’ initiative so to be a good leader he bought a bike and promised to bike to work every day for a month, which isn’t that hard since he lives in a penthouse about a mile from his company.

Today is the third day of Rhys’ promise. It is also the third day he’s ever used a bike lock.

“You locked my bike to yours, dumbass.” Lucien snarls. “I had to wait for you to get off for lunch because your secretary wouldn’t let me back up to make you unlock it yourself. And I can’t cut it open without a power tool because it’s metal.”

Fuck.

“Well? Aren’t you going to at least apologize?” Lucien asks. He stands and even stomps his foot on the ground, which almost breaks Rhysand.

Rhysand swallows his laughter at the absurd situation. To laugh at Lucien would only make him angrier, and while Lucien is certainly cute while he was angry and fun to play with, Rhys senses now was not the time.

“Jeez, dude.” Rhys says instead, unable to curb all of his laughter. “How long have you been sitting out here?”

“Open. Your. Lock.” Lucien snarls.

Rhys bends down to unlock the bike. “You know, I’m impressed that you biked here. I assumed you’d take Tamlin’s car.”

“I assumed you took a limo to work, we’re all wrong sometimes.” Lucien says without any cheer in his voice.

Rhys fiddles with the combination lock… what had he set it to, again? “‘Go Green!’ month. You?”

“I always bike if the meeting is under fifteen miles.”

Rhys’ eyes widened and whistled appreciatively. “Fifteen miles? And you always show up looking that good?”

“Well, we can’t all be as perfect as me. I’m sure if you tried to bike somewhere, you’d end up looking like a drowned rat.”

“Hey! I bike to and from my home!”

“And how far away is your home from here?”

Rhys turns around smirking. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Lucien rolls his eyes. “Are you done yet?”

“Ahh...” Rhys had been having so much fun sniping with Lucien he… may have… forgotten his seven digit code. “About that...”

Lucien’s eyes widen. “No. No no no no no! You have got to be fucking with me.”

Rhys laughs guiltily. “Believe me, that would be so much more fun than this.”

“Well? Who else knows the code, you utter dipshit?” Lucien snarls.

“Uhhh-” Rhysand’s mind was mysteriously blank.

“You jackass.”

“It’s not like I did this on purpose!”

“I don’t really care about anything you have to say right now unless it’s the code to that lock!”

Rhys sighs and looks at his watch. As much fun as it is to play with Lucien, he has a meeting with Thesan in five minutes in a place that can only be reached that quickly in a car at this moment.

“Look, I have to go to lunch. Why don’t you come with me and afterwards I’ll-?”

“You really think that now is the best time to ask me to lunch?” Lucien snapped.

“I have a meeting.” Rhys explains impatiently. “Come with me and if I remember the code, when it’s over and we come back I’ll give it to you.”

“No. You can go to your fun little meeting after we deal with this. I will go down with you right now, to the maintenance department and get a power-saw or something of some kind and we will come back and cut through that lock.”

“You can’t do that!”

Lucien crosses his arms, glaring. “Go ahead. Do it. Tell me why not.”

“It’s an expensive lock!”

“An. Expensive. Lock.”

“Yeah! It was like a whole, eighty seven dollars!”

“Eight seven dollars? If you paid eighty-seven dollars for that crap, then you’ve got bigger problems than me, Rhys.”

“It was for charity.” Rhys snaps.

“Besides, that’s petty change for you.”

“It’s the principle!”

“Rhys, we are going down to maintenance, together, right now. And you will ask for the power-tool yourself. Then you will cut off the lock, or I will go to every tabloid with a following and give them a special exclusive about the time that Rhysand Fitznox invited me to lunch after locking my bike with his.”

Rhys narrows his eyes. “So?”

“There will be many other details in this story, ones that may not have actually happened. Who’s to say?”

As much as Rhys wasn’t afraid of Lucien Vanserra… he was, well, a tiny bit afraid of Lucien Vanserra (the man had brought down entire companies with five well placed words to the press), he doesn’t want to make an enemy of him.

“You suck.” Rhys mumbles.

“Don’t you wish.” Lucien replies, and waves a hand for Rhys to lead the way.

Rhys grumbles, but does.

Lucien follows Rhys into his building. Rhys walks up to the front desk where Cerridwen and Nuala sit expertly answering phones. Nuala puts the person she’s talking to on hold and looks up expectantly at her boss. “Yes, Sir?”

“Um...” Now this is embarrassing, Rhysand thinks. He glances at Lucien whose stormy gaze tells him to turn around and start talking. “So… I may have accidentally chained my bike to Lucien’s here...”

Nuala’s face stays completely the same, though Rhysand knows she’s laughing on the inside. Cerridwen stops in her work to listen in, amused by the story already. “And… I forgot the passcode...”

“Do you want me to open it, sir?”

Rhys looks at her surprised. “You know my passcode?”

“You know his passcode and you didn’t tell me?” Lucien cries. “I’ve been sitting there for ages! You knew I was sitting there for ages!”

“I don’t know it, but Mr. Fitznox-Ah, your brother, sir, does.”

Rhys slams the heel of his palm into his forehead. “Az! Of course he does!”

Lucien is turning a delightful shade of purple, and Rhys wonders if this is the first time he’ll actually be able to see smoke come out of someone’s ears for real, just like they do in the cartoons.

Lucien is not very amused by the expression on Rhys’ face right now.

“Rhys, I’ll have your head on a platter. Then, I’m coming for you because you’ve been no help,” He says pointing a long delicate finger at Nuala, “and you’ll get your own for laughing at this,” he says as that finger finds it’s way to point at Cerridwen who is badly hiding her snickers into the telephone in her hand. “And finally, I’ll get Azriel Fitznox, just for the fun of it.”

Lucien snatches the phone and receiver from Nuala’s hand and speed-dials Azriel (whose speed-dial button has a label on it). He explains in clipped sentences the situation to Azriel and Rhys puts in his own two cents by graciously ‘ordering’ (he can’t really order his brothers to do anything for him if he’s being honest) Az to come down to the ground floor immediately and fix this.  

When Azriel Fitznox gets the very angry call from the secretary desk with Lucien Vanserra on the other side of the line he thinks he’s having some weird fever dream or nightmare. But no, Lucien Vanserra, the CFO of Spring Court & Co really is on his phone angrily yelling about… a bike lock? And Rhysand having the memory of an eighty year old Alzheimer's patient or something…? Azriel isn’t exactly sure.

But he is trying very hard not to laugh.

Lucien seems very serious though and when Rhys puts in “Yeah… you’d better get down here now with my code,” Azriel sighs and tells his brother that he’ll be right down.

He walks down to the ground floor and finds Lucien tapping his foot angrily and Rhys standing next to him very sheepishly. “What did you do?” Azriel asks Rhys mockingly. Rhys flashes him a smirk but Lucien is not amused.

“Do you have the password or not?” Lucien snaps.

Azriel nods and he walks past Lucien, glad the CFO can’t see how he can’t hold it together. Azriel walks out to the bike rack and bends down next to his brother’s bike. He moves the nine digit tumblers into place. “It’s the date and time you beat Spring Co out for the Summer contracts, don’t you remember that?” Az asks his brother.

Rhys face-palms. “Of course! How could I forget?”

This does not make Lucien any happier apparently. Azriel unravels the lock from around Lucien’s bike and he grabs it from the rack, shaking it roughly. “I hate you people and I am bringing all of you down with me.” He snarls at them. He swings one leg over the bike and speeds into the street and off to Spring Court & Co buildings.

“Nice doing business with you!” Rhys calls after his red-headed rival. Then, Azriel and Rhysand exchange glances at one another and promptly burst into the laughter that they’ve been holding in during this whole ordeal.

Rhysand walks into his meeting room to find his closest confidants hysterically rolling about. “Oh?” Rhys asks, an eyebrow raised. “What’s so funny?”

Cassian points to the tabloids fanned out on the table. Rhys pulled the magazines over to him, reading the headlines, beginning to laugh himself until he found himself crying.

CFO LUCIEN VANSERRA OPENS UP ON THE INNER WORKINGS OF NIGHT COURT INCORPORATED; “RHYSAND IS PETTY AND CAN’T REMEMBER FOR SHIT AND I’VE GOT THE STORY TO PROVE IT.”

[elrielera]

Elriel Discussion Party.

☠|❀

1) But she is Lucien’s Mate?

The most common reason I see against Elain & Azriel being together is that she is Lucien’s mate and SJM would not separate them, but I beg to differ. I’d wager they will be the first up-close couple we see not to work out and maybe just be best friends, here’s some reasons why;

“A mating bond can be rejected,” Rhys said mildly, eyes flickering in the mirror as he drank in every inch of bare skin I had on display. “There is choice. And sometimes, yes—the bond picks poorly. Sometimes, the bond is nothing more than some … preordained guesswork at who will provide the strongest offspring. At its basest level, it’s perhaps only that. Some natural function, not an indication of true, paired souls.” 

These two lines and their phrasing is very deliberate. Picks poorly, and not a indication of true paired souls, is interesting to me. To everyone who says they can’t love anyone else the same way they’ll love their mate, I agree but ACOMAF and ACOWAR have already established that love might not be a good one, Rhys’ parents are our best example of that.

“At least he liked you,” Rhys countered, then clarified for me, “my father and mother, despite being mates, were wrong for each other. My father was cold and calculating, and could be vicious, as he had been trained to be since birth. My mother was soft and fiery and beloved by everyone she met.”

☞ Not all mates are right for each other. ☜

“Why not make them mates?” [Azriel & Elain] I mused. “Why Lucien?” “I’d keep that question from Lucien.” “I’m serious.” I turned toward him and crossed my arms. “What decides it? Who decides it?”

I found it very interesting that Feyre of all people, someone who knows both Elain and Lucien well, cannot wrap her head around them suiting each other, there are multiple occasions where she see’s more of a connection/better partnership between her and Az. Even in ACOMAF she remarks on how she thinks they’d get along, these moments also remind me of her comments towards Cassian about Nesta.

“You know them better than I do. But I will say that Lucien is loyal—fiercely so.” “So is Azriel.”

 This is coming from a protagonist who is a good example of mates being right for each other, so I think it’s interesting she feels this way about their bond. She is constantly pushing for Azriel despite knowing he’s loved Mor for centuries, why? What is she seeing that is making her so dead set that Lucien might not be the one and Az is.

“You are his mate. Do you even know what that means?” “It means nothing,” Elain said, her voice breaking. “It means nothing. I don’t care who decided it or why they did—” “You belong to him.” “I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you.”

Jot that down! Straight from Elain’s mouth. ✍

 No matter which way this goes it will be because she chooses the person. What shocked me reading this book was how little interaction Elain and Lucian got, how much the idea that mates are not everything was hammered in. How we had Elain, Feyre, Rhys and Nesta all question the bond and place doubts in the readers head.

Going in to ACOWAR I had not expectations for Elriel believing they’d go straight for the obvious pairing but im starting to get the inkling I was very wrong.

What I got from ACOWAR:

All mates are good for each other ✕

All mates have their own paths and choices ✔

I’ve got so much more to touch on with them but this is getting long so I’ll divide them up by topics, i think the next one will be about some people not reading their interactions as romantic and why I think SJM was not projecting a platonic relationship. 

Small disclaimer, I don’t know what will happen in future books, I am by no means saying Elriel are 100% endgame and theres no chance for anything else, this is just my perspective and predictions based on what I read during A Court Of Wings And Ruin. 

Please, please feel free to add on your own thoughts and feelings!

I believe in our ray of sunshine and shadowsinger ❤

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig