#not to be that one discord screenshot. the one thats like 'just because youre gay doesnt mean you dont sound pathetic when you say that' but

[dhampir-dyke]

Idk what it is about today but. Augh. Lesbianism.

[moth---4]

Commision Info! [updated 1/12/2024]

See bottom of post for additional refrences!

○Commisions are ALWAYS open and I almost always have same day (24hr) delivery! I post my sfw art on tumblr and my nsfw art in an 18+ furry art site called e621. You can reach out to me through tumblr messages, discord, e6 messages, and telegram. Please read terms of use at bottom.

Tumblr: moth---4

Discord: oopsie-gay

Telegram: @oopsiethatsgay

E621: oopsie-gay

Prices are generally SET but there may be slight increases for very complex designs or scenes though this is rare.

I offer quite a large variety of things but if its not on the list please do not ask. The list is made for both your and my convenience.

○Fullbody- 65 (+30 for additional character #1, + 65 for ever character after)

○Halfbody-45 (+20 for additional characters)

○Icon-15 (no additional characters, intended for profile picture)

These are fully rendered (shaded) and have additional details to polish them.

These include a simple pattern or solid color background (like a pride flag or sunset)

Backgrounds can be added but they can vary wildly in price depending on what youd like. Example 1, a character at a cafe, with full veiw of desert display case and tables, +40-50. Example 2, a character on a couch, nothing but the back wall and a sliver of a coffee table, +20

Reference sheets are another can of worms! These can take much longer than regular commisions given the time and attention to detail needed sometimes.

○Furry Ref 80 Includes 2 veiws, front and back, along with a small pelt display generally used if clothes or pose is obstructing design, and both hand and feet paws, mouth, and eyes, and wings shown seperately if needed . Aside from that colors and name will be displayed.

○Big Pony Ref ((mare BASE only)) 65 (Includes 4 veiws of the pony and some additional boxes to showcase expressions. The cutie mark and colors will be displayed)

○Small Pony Ref 20 Any screenshot from the mlp show edited to fit your pony! Will NOT include background just your guy!

Telegram stickers are a new addition to my commision list! They come in PACKS and can not be bought individually. To clarify, these are emoji like stickers used in the messaging app Telegram and are NOT physically printed or intended to be printed.

○3 pack 20

○5 pack 25

○10 pack 35

Customs are CURRENTLY CLOSED but Ill keep the info up. They have one (1!) veiw with colors and are not as polished as my regular art. They are NOT shaded so that the design can have accurate colors showcased. Just because they are not polished does not mean low effort.

○Pony- 25

○Pony-(ON BASE) 25

○Furry- 70

(Sexual content warning ahead, purely to list what Im okay with drawing NO VISUALS) Scroll to the "🌟" to skip to Terms of use

YEAH OKAYS!

Sexual art (I have an e6 for a reason lol)

Nudity in any capacity

Blood

MILD gore

Marijuana usage

(For full list of spicy content thats allowed just dm!)

NO THANK YOUS!

Mecha

Human (including humanoids like anime cat girls)

Foot fetish

Pregnancy

Scat, pee, or barf

Vore

Age play

Fat fetish (normal overweight characters welcome! Just no fetish art)

🌟🌟🌟

Thank you for reading!! The TOS is next Id appreciate if you looked at that as well before messaging me

☆Terms of Service☆

My art can and will be posted wherever I please though I will not take credit for your character. You may use my art for profile pictures, backgrounds or PERSONAL use with credit. My art may NOT be used for anything commercial including youtube videos in any capacity, twitch stream layouts, subscriber, donation or sub alerts. You may not print, sell, or produce any merchandise with my art regardless of if its intended for personal use.

You can post the artwork anywhere or use it on your profile as long as there is CLEAR and OBVIOUS credit to me with a link of some kind. You canot use the art for profit, that includes prints, merchandise or use in videos or games in any capacity. You may not edit the work or remove the watermark.

No refunds! Due to my fast work pace and 24 hour turnaround, refunds are not an option as I would lose money and time on my work. If you are unsure of my limits, being fetishes or anything else please just ask. It will save alot of trouble to just be open and communicate. If clear communication is not recived, and the art is not up to your standards because of it, that is on you. I will always sends work in progress things and you must request changes when I give opportunities.

A small fee will be put in place for changes.

And one final word, I can and WILL take legal action if you attemt to profit from my work. Please understand this is my livelyhood and primary source of income.

Thank you for considering me for commisions! I really appreciate all of you that make my dream job possible

[tciddaemina]

for the sake of transparency

some of you may have noticed that there’s something a bit funky going on in the comment section of keep it simple, one of my one piece/naruto crossovers featuring zoro/kisame as the main pairing, so i thought i’d explain just to preemptively set the record straight. for context, this is a slash fic, and one thats very clearly tagged, listing both the M/M pairing and who the main pairing is as explicitly as the tagging system allows. i literally could not be more obvious if i tried.

and a while ago, in July, an anonymous user left this comment on my fic

which sort of pissed me off. to clarify - i do not give a single honest fuck about what other people decide to do in regards to their headcanons, ships, whatever. ship wars are a waste of time and i literally could not care less. if you think zoro is straight, all the more power to you, that’s a valid interpretation and i respect your opinion. but that only works if you respect that i may also choose to have a different interpretation, one that is equally as valid. this is my fic, that i am writing, and i can choose to write it however i want. that is what fanfiction is about. 

the level of entitlement in this comment alone is offensive, this idea that you can dictate what others create or that there is only one acceptable correct way of looking a character or pairing emblematic of some of the worst of fandoms current mentalities. 

if this guy didn’t like it they had entirely the choice to shrug and say ‘hey thats not for me’ and keep going, but they didn’t. and its on chapter 1 as well, when the fic was several chapters in, so it wasn’t like this guy skimmed over the tags by accident, got all the way in and was like ???wait gay??? and then decided to whine about it. no, all i can assume is that they were scrolling, saw the pairing and decided click in solely for the purpose of leaving a shitty little comment. 

(also like. can we just acknowledge what a whack fucking suggestion this is? i chose to write zoro and kisame because they can be put together in a very fun and intense dynamic revolving around swords and bloodlust, that is why i wrote the fic. i honestly cannot tell if this dude just wanted me to what? rewrite the fic altogether with franky in zoro’s place? or just like, stop writing and go write franky/kisame instead? (i can only assume they think franky is gay because he’s sort of camp and more stereotypically gay, which is sort of offensive in its own right but go off.) either way its a very weird thing to order someone to do. 

also please, franky/robin all the way. this is my own opinion mind, but damn if franky isn’t the straightest fucking person in the straw hats. again, my own opinion). 

but anyway the comment fucked me off enough that i decided to be pretty and reply like this:

(this is not my art, but rather is an amazing piece by tumblr user cranity, found here. they have an amazing art style, for all that i found this image by it literally being the first franky/robin fanart in the results when i did a tumblr search. i essentially just shared the image in the form of a comment)

i’m more bemused by the whole thing than anything, as the discord server can attest, so apart from some initial confusion i just shrug and move on with my life. it earns a good laugh in the server if nothing else, so that’s good enough. there is no reply, and i honestly wouldn't care if there never was one

except whoo, anon is not done with me yet, because several weeks later i receive these. (sorry about the darkness of the images, my phone was on a light filter when i look the screenshots. also, i’d like to note that usually i would crop the persons name when discussing a story like this, but i want you guys to be able to see for yourself they’re the source of the emails)

what you’re seeing here is like a dozen spam replies and comments all by that same anon. the actual content of the comments was a bunch of links, as the anon tried to reply to my image with some of their own (Robin/Zoro frank art, to be precise, presumable to ha, pwned you). except that that is not how uploading images to AO3 works, you need to go through some specific html code for that, which means what this guy sent was only a bunch of links. 

links which AO3 then ate. like a GC, AO3 recognized that hmm, if someone is sending dozens of comments in quick succession its probably not a real comment but rather an attempt at spam and bullying, and so AO3 ate the comments. i still got the notifications in my inbox, but when i went to the fic itself the comments didn’t exist. 

and at this point i’m just like 🤣🤣🤣🤣 because not only has this person just failed to spam me, but they also fucked up how they tried to do it and couldn’t get the images to work anyway. rip my guy. 

the comments never existed, so i don’t bother to reply. honestly this is just an ongoing source of fun amusement for the discord server at this point so i’m just bemusedly waiting to see things will continue to unfold. 

and behold, another several weeks later, my inbox looks like this:

ya boy the anon is back and at it again, except last time they obviously got frustrated by the fact that their images were only coming through as links because they learned the html! (and wow, i love accidentally trolling someone into learning a useful new skill)

so what i receive in my inbox are essentially a bunch of comment replies that all look like this, featuring various zoro/robin fanart, presumable to prove to me the error of my ways in showing how utterly not gay zoro is. because man, this is really going to make me repent and show me how wrong i was. 

except that wow, haha, anon still fucked it up because they sent a dozen of these and AO3 was like spam? and ate the whole lot of the again. which is how we get to the most recent interaction, now several weeks later again. having presumably seen that gasp, their spam has mysteriously vanished, they then leave this comment:

which honestly just makes me laugh. i’m not going to comment on their writing, because maybe english isn’t their first language and that’s not something i’m going to make fun of someone for, but man the rest is up for grabs. again, they are ordering me to switch the main pairing insisting in tears Zoro!Isn’t!Gay! and that since they said to stop i have to stop. because the word of some random fucko really is what governs all my writing choices, and how dare i not obey. forgetting not the little postscript, as if to remind me of the superior ship, as if they haven’t tried to repeatedly flood my inbox and comments already with just that. 

again, it would be perfectly possible for this person to just ... walk away and never have to see this fic again. they could just not read it, not look at it, not engage, and go back to reading whatever het fic they prefer. they’re the one seeking this story out specifically to harass its author, outraged that someone in the world might have a perspective and opinion even lightly different than their own. nobody is going to stop making robin/zoro content because my fic exists, it literally impacts nothing and no one.

this is my reply:

so far there’s been no reply, but no doubt there will be one. i just wanted to lay the whole thing out here for the sake of transparency and as an explanation for whoever might be seeing the comments and wondering what the hell is going on. 

i’m going to say it again, but i could not give less of a fuck about ship wars and how other people choose to headcanon characters. everyones opinion is exactly as valid. if the harassment continues and gets truly annoying, i’ll just put on comment moderation and switch the fic to only being visible to AO3 users. if they try to go after any my other works, i’ll just move the whole lot to being user-only, and if they still want to try spam me using an actual account i’ll just block them. 

i do not care. this has no impact on my life, and while it would be sad that some non-user readers can’t access my fics, if that’s what has to happen then fine. 

and so to RDemon, if you somehow find your way here to read this (because at this point I wouldn’t even be surprised) you can keep sending as many messages as you want and it isn’t going to change anything. your comments don’t make me angry, they don’t hurt me, they’re a minor inconvenience at most and have brought far more amusement as the topic of entertainment in the discord server than they ever have caused strife. it is honestly hilarious, watching someone get so worked up into a frothing rage trying to fight with me about something i could not care about less, and every message you send only makes me spitefully want to write Zoro getting absolutely railed by Kisame in the filthiest and most explicit way possible even more. 

so cheers, RDemon, you’ve been a fun source of entertainment. know that we are very much laughing at you, and when i write the gayest Zoro smut i’m going to dedicate it to you 

[kindredsuffering]

callout for sucklet (@\xching1969) and cinder fall sex haver (@/moonchemistwy) for evil malicious bad person behavior

both of these individuals have been up to some nefarious deeds as of late, and it is sickening to see other people not stricking down these foul individuals despite their behavior.

i am here to bring the word of the Truth to all ye who witness, that these two beings have done suchs things as:

impersonation, blackmail, bribery, trasphobia, treason, threatening my good being, ruining the livelihood of hard working men, merging, stealing art or falsely claiming other people’s art as their own, threats, autistic, gross disregard for others hyperfixations, and not limited to these (etc)

i am certain that these two (or soon to be one) will quickly retailate against me and attempt to make it out that i am making false claims about their person(s) despite the fact that i have much evidence to prove that THEY have been doing these horrible things and thinking they are about the consequences. just because you have two minds within one body does not mean that you can’t be held accountable for your previous individual bodies’ actions.

screenshots below cut:

sucklet has been nonstop constantly trying to make me paranoid and convince me i am going to be doxxed, asking me what i would do if i found my full name and social security number in a surreptitious place

moonchemistry gaslighting the entire rwby fandom when we were simply here to attempt to have some good fun and yet this is how we are treated? like chunks?

chem is trying to use their mental illnessi (plural of mental illness) as an excuse for their behavior and to coerce me into doing what they want (in this case not making them a soup because i care about them so much and want to be kind to them despite their repeated harassment of my person)

this event occurred roughly in the middle of Sucklet’s art theft accusation arc, where it tries to claim that the horny police (alter ego The Shining Diamond) stole its art when her signature is very clearly on the art piece in question. this is an attempt to undermine the talents of other artists in order to boost its own pathetic self view

cinder fall sex haver berating me in DMs and repeatedly convincing me that they do not care about me

and these is where sucklet tried to make a lovely delightful little fun RP that they and i had been having into an NSFW rp immediately without prior discussing with me and when i tried to redirect what was happening they just kept godmodding my character into having hot gay sex (it was relaly good but thats besides the point)

discussion occurring shortly after the reveal of IBSKing!Neo and PCOS!Pregnant!Cinder 🫃

this is just one example of the first of many times they began attempting to dodge any and all consequences

sucklet out of NO WHERE fucking CAME AT ME in such a hideous manner when i was trying to sharem y super awesome gene editing program i’m partnered with

i tried to confront sucklet about its outrageous behavior and it denied that it had done any of these things in the first place, with no evidence to back up any sort of forgery or edited messages or going into discord on the website and using the inspector to change what the messages said or anything of that sort that i would never ever do in my life because i am a nice benevolent good person

moonchemistry (also known as their alter ego Cinder Fall Sex Haver, and their lesser known alter ego janiel) attemped to take my life today, when they had found out that i was drafting this callout post about them they came to me in DMs and assaulted and battered me. i was scarcely able to escape with my life, and they absconded with most of my evidence folder on them (hence most of the screenshots are about chingx1969 (also known as its alter ego sucky fucky wucky, aka king fucklet, aka sucklet))

as they are a hivemind, sucklet quickly (instantly) learned the same knowledge as chem and attempted to threaten me at the same time in a pincer attack known as the merger double wombo combo extraordinaire (ver. 2)

clearly the only thing there is to do about this dangerous individual is to put them down. they have gone too far and are beyond recovery or change. the merging process is nearly complete, and if we do not stop them now they will evolve beyond petty things like mortality.

to my 6 followers: kill

[fictitiousponies]

Rusty Quill Official: My thoughts

First I’d like to point out that I’m literally a nobody. I’m not a mod, I’m not a crew member of Rusty Quill, I am literally just someone who hangs out in the Rusty Quill Official discord (I AM a patron though, so I do have access to the Patron only channels). 

I’ve been seeing the people that are in this ‘group of 10 or 11 people’ stir things up in the server for a while now, and I thought I’d just give my own experiences and thoughts on the subject.  Firstly, the fact that I even have to ‘give my credentials’ about this is ridiculous, but these are the type of people who if you aren’t ‘xyz’ and you disagree with anything they say, you are automatically deemed racist, homophobic, ableist, sexist, etc etc, so I’d just like to point out I am a queer woman with both mental and physical health disorders and disabilities. I’m also white, cis and allo, so I do admit there are only so many things I feel comfortable commenting on without getting piled on for ‘not being allowed’ or ‘not understanding’ (because thats 100% what the folks who are responsible for that doc do in the discord) First of all, I’d like to discuss the fact that the RQO server has grown RAPIDLY in the last few months. I don’t have access to the statistics but I’ve seen them in the past, and the server went from less than 2000 people to over 8000 in a matter of like two or three months. The mods of this server are all volunteer, besides a select few(Anil(Community Manager), Bryn(who is a voice actor/talent for Rusty Quill Gaming) and now Autumn, who literally was just announced as Anil’s new assistant community manager YESTERDAY. Before yesterday, April, the production manager, was also a Mod. Besides those people NO ONE works for rusty quill. Everyone is a volunteer and a fan. Rusty quill is a SMALL PODCAST COMPANY that has seen a rapid growth of their fanbase over the last 9 or so months. They have stated many many times that they are working behind the scenes to plan a server overhaul, and have given us a suggestion form. They all work very hard to try and make RQO a place where people feel safe. There are topics of conversation that NEED a more intense style of modding to be handled correctly, and at the current moment they don’t have the ability to do that so that things can be discussed safely for everyone involved. They have stated multiple times that is being worked on as something for the server revamp, and it just seems to not click. There are conversations that happen in this server that they have a problem with getting ‘sideswept’ that I KNOW make MANY people uncomfortable, and that is mainly the policing of headcanons. Saying ‘it makes me uncomfortable when Elias/Jonah is portrayed as trans or gay’ is one thing. Its completely another to call someone who HC’s Elias/Jonah as trans or gay as transphobic or homophobic, use vomit emojis and basically sit there and completely bash someone for having that headcanon, which is what tends to happen and makes people SUPER uncomfortable, causing the mods to come in and go ‘okay enough of this’ (but they didnt screenshot themselves being nasty because why would they?) They also straight up bash you if you like certain characters, Daisy and Gertrude being two main ones I’ve seen. I understand the discourse surrounding Daisy, I really do, but to be treated like the scum of the earth for daring to like Daisy as a character, for automatically being labeled as racist or pro-cop just because you enjoy a FICTIONAL CHARACTER is...absolutely ridiculous. Its THIS that the mods are reacting to, NOT calling the characters themselves out. Its them blatantly being rude and making people uncomfortable about liking a fictional character.  Another thing I’d like to address is the server being ‘ableist’  towards people with ADHD by being strict about going off topic. This is something I’ve been EXTREMELY vocal about myself, as someone with ADHD, I DO feel frustrated with the fact that if things veer off topic we get told to take it to another channel. Its jarring, as someone who tends to go on tangents and it doesn’t feel great but I understand the need for it. There are specific channels for a reason. Just because something inconveniences you doesn’t mean its automatically ableist. if every conversation was allowed to run rampant in every channel it would be chaos. AS IT IS so many of the channels are far too busy for my liking and I don’t feel comfortable in them with the amount of people (something that has zero to do with the way RQO runs the server and everything to do with the fact that its just a very large server with a lot of people) I tend to like to stay in the Patreon section because its much smaller and calmer. Also the Gen channels for me(General, Court of Nobles) are great because unless its something super specific(a long discussion about food, a specific character discussion, etc etc) there isn’t a topic to follow, therefor my ADHD can run free. Thats just...how things have to be sometimes. Once again its something thats been told is being worked on for the server revamp, possibly adding more gen channels or such things because the server is getting so large. I’m sure there are other things I could address here, but Honestly I am tired. I’ve been in a LOT of Discords only to nope out of them within a few weeks because I don’t feel safe or welcome. Rusty Quill Official is the first server I’ve been in where I don’t feel like I am just a number, just a nameless fan, despite how large the server is. Its the first large server where I feel like I have a sense of belonging. Its a place I hold very dear to my heart. It might not be for everyone. It might not be everyones cup of tea, I certainly don’t blame the servers I’ve left for not being something I vibe with, but to hear it be ‘called out’ and bashed like this is really sad, especially when SO MANY of the screenshots were taken out of context/not shown the whole story/had bits cut out that would importantly show another side to everything.  To call the RQO server an unsafe space would be extremely unjust. If its not something you enjoy, then thats unfortunate. There are opportunities for you to maybe meet people in the discord that you vibe with and break off to your own smaller server. Thats perfectly valid, and in now way us telling you to ‘leave if you dont like it’. Do what makes YOU comfortable, but to continuously cause issues and drama on purpose when things have been addressed and you simply dont like the answer... Its not fair to everyone else on the discord who IS having a good time. Allow Rusty Quill time to grow with its fanbase. There are going to be hiccups. There are going to be snags. People are HUMAN and to expect things to be Absolutely Completely Unproblematic Or Else is unrealistic. Things ARE being addressed. things ARE being worked on.  Thats all I’ve got to say. 

[betanyagito]

3 hours left of this decade here and I promised I’d write a sappy post so [ABBA voice] let’s go gays

Oh man. Oh boy. Was this a time. An entire 10 years spent on the internet. I’ve met people, got into new things, forgot old dreams and made new ones. How old was I when I first started here? 12? 13? It doesn’t feel real honestly. So much has happened that I still think about to this day, and as embarrassed as I am of my roots, I wouldn’t be who I am without them, and I likely wouldn’t have met the people I did if it weren’t for the early day join.mes and art streams from Deviantart and Minecraft askblogs on tumblr dot kom

I am thankful I got to know Minecraft, I got to know Hetalia, I got to know Homestuck. I am thankful these things allowed me to meet people who I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without right now. And that’s honestly the part I want to focus on. My friends

Old friends who I don’t talk to anymore, old friends who I don’t even know if are still around, old friends who still message me again and again sometime (honestly knowing that I’m still on their minds after all these years is the single most heartwarming thing ever), friends who I don’t talk with as frequently but still keep in my mind and get happy whenever we do end up meeting, and friends who are still here every day and support me endlessly.

If I were to talk about each and every one of them I would be sitting here all throughout January so I’ll try to talk about everyone in groups because I do want to take a moment to appreciate everyone. Everyone I’ve met shaped me into the person I am today, and while I am not perfect, I am happy. I am happy that I have the friends I do now

I remember the first big group of friends I’ve had when I first felt like I belonged. Kat, Wesley, Meni, Britain - those Whirled Days. I remember spending hours doing sprite edits and staying up late into the night to make sure I stayed caught up with rp and was present for the trials and murders lmao. I know it all ended on a sour note, but I will always treasure the moments we had together, and I’m so glad that after over six years I am still in touch with some of you. You were my first true out of the country friends, and you all helped me open my horizons and realize that the world is much much bigger than I had thought, and I can find friends anywhere who will love me

DR had stayed with me ever since, and I got to meet Mina, Chinch, Erika and Damien. Oh my god you guys. All my admiration for you four for being able to handle the edgefest that my writing and I was. I can’t believe we’ve lived through the peak days of DR tumblr rp. What a fucking Time that was. I would’ve never discovered my love for writing and betas without you all. You stuck with me through my worst years and always supported my dumb ideas. I remember the skypechats, the craigslist edits, the quiche, the zombie apocalypse, the adoption. I know I said I don’t want to address anyone one-on-one but Mina. Mina. If there’s anyone then you deserve a one-on-one. It’s been six (?) years. We’ve known each other for six (?!) years and we’ve seen each other go through so much. I know I tend to be really bad at communication and often fall short at replies but there’s not a day when I’m not thankful that I’ve met you and I still have you in my life. Your influence on me has been nothing but positive, you’ve taught me so much, how to love life, love my creations, how to be excited about anything. If I was half a good influence on you, I would already call that a success. I hope we will remain friends for a long time. At this point, I couldn’t imagine my life without having you in it. I just love you so much I almost teared up writing this ngl

And this one goes out to those Nanbaka SLUTS who also turned me into a slut who can never step foot into another church ever again. I can’t even recall how exactly I ended up in the discord group, but I know that you all were another milestone for me. Nick, Mew, Kristi, without you guys I would’ve never opened up towards people. I was scared back into my bubble where I just didn’t want to interact with fandoms ever again, but I you guys were one of the most accepting group of people I’ve ever met and probably ever will meet. You welcomed me with warmth and excitement and I still keep so many screenshots of the old discord chat that I read back whenever I need a good hearted laugh. Even now when our interests had changed, I’m so happy that we can still find a common note and have fun with each other. I wish nothing but the best for all of you

This brings us to the current era. All these muppet lovers......all these muppet lovers and I find so many friends.....Stella, Michael, Maple, Daco, Kris, Clover, Katie, Nette, Lili, Dani it was all Your Fault that this obsession started. I had such a fun time with all of you that now my brain cannot stop producing serotonin whenever I see a goddamn potato man. But even besides just having a common interest, you are all such wonderful people. You all helped me out of a rut and helped me shape myself, to be confident in my own opinions, to be able to stand up for myself and to have fun without worrying about what other people think. I am so grateful for every conversation we’ve had, every joke we shared, every idea we came up with together. I had no idea that a gag anime could ever get me such amazing friends, but it happened! And even if I don’t talk with some of you as often anymore, or at all, I will never forget any of you

Standing on more stable feet I was able to reach out to other parts of the fandom and start my own big project in the form of an askblog, and even if it’s stagnant now, it was one of the best decisions of my life, as I got to meet the most wonderful group of people. Nat, Athro, Buns, Turo, Jasp, JM, Lulu, Tris, Holly, Eden, Dairy, Ruri, Timey, Zako, Vivi, Ruah - you’re all just amazing. You accepted me into your group and I honestly feel like we’ve grown into a family. I’ve grown both as an artist and as a person thanks to you all, and I’ve never had such a tight knit group of friends before who’ve supported each other quite like you do. I feel loved and I know my voice is heard whenever I speak. I know that even on my worst days, you all will  be here. I know that you will hear even my most outlandish ideas, you will listen to me ramble about media you’ve never heard of and I more than gladly do the same for all of you too. I’ve never been more confident in my content and especially in my OCs. We’ve created something incredible together, and I am just so incredibly proud that I can say that I belong to MVA, that I can say that “hey thats my friend!!” whenever any of you come up, and I am so happy that I could meet all of you. I truly feel like I’ve become a much better person since meeting all of you. I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that we’ll be able to spend many more years together, and watch each other succeed in many more things

Despite what I intended this turned into a pretty lengthy post nevertheless whOOPS. I’m sorry if I left in any typos or anything of the sort. The bottom line of everything is- I’ve had some terrible times this decade. Really, awful times when I thought that theres no way, no way I would be able to continue on. But all these strangers online, who I’ve never even seen in person, you all were and are always there to extend a hand and help me back on my feet. There are many ways in which this decade sucked, there were many terrible news and terrible times, but, it was all worth it. If not for anything else, then for the fact that I’ve got to meet so many amazing and talented people. Thank you all for loving me and calling me a friend. I hope the next decade will treat all of us, but especially you well. You all deserve nothing but the best in your lives and I love all of you so so much

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[g0dtier]

koshkaah-fr

replied to your

post

:

i love hbomber guy bc hes a popular youtube game...

heard something about him being a rape apologist though, but I haven’t looked into that situation so I don’t know what exactly is going on

thats worrisome so i looked into it a bit and what i found was...........weird

1 video of a far right guy saying that “everyones Aryan feminist snob hbomberguy accused of rape apologism” but bc its a video from an alt right dude i know its not gonna give me any fucking context lmfao

and one HEAVILY biased reddit post of a far left sub who decided to ban anyone who associates with hbomberguy. i decided to read their post and i just...??

 this all happened 2 months ago, apparently, but the story is vague:

a guy who is a rape survivor came up to hbombguy because a mod in hbombguys discord made creepy and rapey comments towards him in 2011. theres no description or context of the comments tho, like theyre literally not listed. the reddit says they’ll “provide the readers with context” but every link just leads to different spam sites with a million popups for me lmao...:/

the reddit goes on to say that hbomber gaslighted this person by asking for logs, or screenshots of creepy comments that were made. the reddit then goes on to say that by asking for proof, hbomberguy was gaslighting the person and not believing them despite “clear evidence to the contrary”, even tho no logs/proof was shown? idk, hypothetically, if some random person from my discord came up to me and said my mod made creepy comments toward them 6 years ago, id be kinda skeptical as well tbh, especially since u kno how internet callouts often turn out to be fake if there aint any proof

so apparently hbomberguy then wrote an apology and posted it on his tumblr but the link to his tumblr and tumblr name they provided only link to spam sites so idk what the deal it. but apparently people didnt think the apology was enough and then the reddit writes about how anyone who associates with him will be banned

this is a really weird reddit tho, its a socialist far left sub thats against Gay Pride (bc its marketed sometimes so it should not exist apparently) and is “not an education or debate sub” so basically its only for people who fit this very specific world view and if u ask a question ur out

i havent found anything else on it so i remain unconvinced since i literally havent found any proof or logs or screenshots about anything and a 2 month old reddit post shouldnt lead to spam gambling sites hm