#now you may say ‘claude. you’re describing zombies’

[continuousmeowing]

Okay. Vampires are corpses, right? They’re dead, but their vampirism halts decay. Now hear me out: vampires that begin to rot when they starve.

You know how humans start to lose hair when they starve? How our bodies start to shut down, halting unnecessary bodily functions? Why wouldn’t something similar happen to vampires? Would keeping the body from rotting count as an unnecessary bodily function?

Vampires who’s eyes grow milky, who’s limbs stiffen. Vampires with blisters and an unsettling sheen to their skin. Vampires with discolored skin and the smell of decay.

Vampires that don’t quite die when they starve, just slowly revert back to their natural state.

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Hurricane

I.

For years, I was a night owl. When I started my second stint with the company I work for today, I worked a 1:30 PM to 10 PM shift as one of many people answering the phone if you called the number on the back of your debit card. I didn’t much care for the constant what-happened-this-time beep in my ear that meant another call had come through, but some days were better than others. 

I enjoyed helping customers as long as what they asked me to do was within my power, but there were times I didn’t feel like listening to strangers’ life stories or treating their self-inflicted financial wounds. My schedule wasn’t ideal because I had to work one weekend day. Having a day off during the week wasn’t without its advantages, but it also meant trouble might find me at an unexpected time or place.

The first time I saw Kathy, I thought she looked like life had taken a lot out of her from behind the counter of the Circle K, but she was easy to talk to. She was blonde, thin but not sickly, and wore shoes that suggested she was accustomed to being on her feet most of the time. I guessed she was in her mid-forties. She was a nice departure from a lot of the women I saw at work every day. Of course, I couldn’t know exactly what was going on in a given woman’s life just by looking at her any more than she could know what was going on in mine. Still, it was hard to appreciate an individual woman’s beauty when most of them I saw towered over me in their high heels, flaunted legs that kept going until next Tuesday, and looked like they had trained with a Bloodsport-era, badass Jean-Claude van Damme, not the one content with starring in Tostitos commercials breaking chips instead of bones, and taking your place in your circle of friends. Kathy was different. 

Maybe we got along because we were both night owls. Maybe it was because we both found ourselves doing things we never imagined doing when our parents asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Kathy told me she’d previously been a waitress at the Olive Garden. I told her how I was rebuilding my life and had had a literal pregnant pause between jobs once I’d come back from overseas. 

Some nights, we’d talk long after she’d rang up my Combos and/or beef jerky. I’d offer general descriptions of the craziest recent customer interactions I’d experienced: 

While working overtime one Saturday (a day I wasn’t even supposed to be there), I heard the beep of an incoming call in my ear, introduced myself, and offered to help, as was standard procedure. The guy on the other end of the line immediately started pulling his cheek back and forth. I could tell he’d moistened the inside of his cheek with spit (probably while listening to the preceding hold music) as an act of premeditation. His vagina song was broadcast directly into my ears and left no doubt he’d been watching too much porn and studying how to replicate the anatomical musical score with himself. Why he decided to share his concert with me, I’ll never know. Some things are best left unsaid. 

When I asked Kathy what the strangest thing she’d ever sold someone was, she replied without hesitation: “I once had a guy come in here at three o’clock in the morning who bought condoms and bleach.” 

I was left wondering why I’d even asked. 

As much as I enjoyed conversations with Kathy, much briefer exchanges were the norm. The place was usually dead when I’d get there around 10:30 PM, but my arrival always seemed to trigger an avalanche of customers who urgently needed gas, cigarettes, or lottery tickets. I usually took the onslaught of humanity as my cue to exit stage right. 

That’s how it went for us. That was our routine.

The first time I saw Ashley, she was telling Kathy about how much she missed. Kayla. Kathy introduced us and told me she used to work at the Olive Garden with Ashley. I was instantly glad I hadn’t earlier ridiculed the wardrobe of white shirts and solid, brightly-colored ties that waitstaff of the Olive Garden in required to wear, though I’d wanted to badly. Ashley talked about how she’d recently had an argument with her mother, whom she hated, and how her son’s father, then serving in the U.S. Navy aboard a ship somewhere off the coast of Greece, was an asshole. 

I’m not sure if Ashley interpreted the fact that I asked her questions as a sign of genuine interest, or if I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. As luck would have it, this was not one those nights when we were interrupted by strangers seeking swizzle sticks. She went on and on about how she missed Kayla. I just kept nodding, unsure of what else to do. I could have left at any time, but I was overcome with curiosity, as if I’d passed a really bad car accident, one that when you see it, you instantly ask yourself if somebody died. You feel bad for staring, but you can’t look away. 

This carnage involved conversation instead of cars. 

After an eternity of my unanswered prayers to be interrupted by a customer, Ashley suggested I join her for a drink. It was a Friday night and I didn’t have to work the next day, so against my better judgement, I agreed to go with her. She must have had to use the bathroom before we left; once Ashley was out of earshot, Kathy leaned over the counter and told me to be careful because Ashley may have already been drunk, high, or both. When we finally got into her car and pulled away from Circle K, I caught a glimpse of Kathy through the window, motioning to me with her hands as if putting on a seatbelt, reminding to me to do the same. She was trying to keep me safe with (or from) a woman I’d known for all of three hours.

Our first stop was a sports bar called The Crown, merely feet away from Circle K. Ashley ordered a Blue Mojito. I don’t remember drinking anything, but I do remember her taking my tie off without really asking if she could, and putting it around her neck as she continued to drone on about Kayla, her bitch of a mother, and her son. 

Next, we went to a bar called the Keystone Pub and Patio. It had to have been around 2 AM; chairs were already turned upside down on top of tables when we walked in. Ashley must have known the bartender, who poured us shots of something that looked like Fireball. I don’t remember either one of us paying for them. 

We were supposed to go to Waffle House after this, but that’s when shit got really weird. Ashley drove us there, but we sat in the parking lot for what felt like forever. We never made it inside. At one point, she just lost it:

Her: ”I miss KAYYYYYYLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Me: “Um…. I’m sorry for your loss. I can tell she meant a lot to you.

Her: “I wish I could just crawl down into her grave any lie beside HEEEEEERRRR!!!! Oh Gawd!!!”

Me: “Okay.”

Her: “Put your hand on my chest and feel me sing.”

Me: “Ashley, I don’t know if that’s such a good…”

Before I could finish my sentence, she grabbed one of my hands, placed it just above her breasts and held it there. The next song was I Believe You Liar by Australian singer/songwriter Washington. It started with a hauntingly beautiful piano intro, the kind that made me stop (despite the awkward position of my hand) and listen. The first verse is:

All the things you've said And things you've done I remember, in memoriam You said that you did But you did not Oh, you ache for something God knows what

I’d never heard the song before. Even now, I still can’t listen to it without thinking of that moment in Ashley’s car. The piano part still gives me goosebumps, the kind you get when a song truly captures your attention, the kind that form long before you’ve heard a song 500 times thanks to Top-40 radio, TV dramas, and being a resident of planet Earth. I haven’t heard I Believe You Liar anywhere near 500 times. I don’t want to. For some reason, I don’t want to spoil it despite the ridiculousness surrounding when I first heard it. 

Once it became clear that we wouldn’t be going inside Waffle House, I was slightly pissed off. I was hungry, dammit. We'd been drinking, so the conditions were perfect; I’d heard most people only go there when they’re drunk anyway. But I wonder now if listening to Washington’s song wasn’t a better fit than intoxicated waffle consumption for what Ashley was going through. It’s easy for me to describe the absurdity of our encounter, but there may have been more to it. However demonstratively, Ashley was grieving, aching. for her friend who died unexpectedly. I just happened to meet her that night.

Ashley had been in my life for about eight hours when we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex. The sky was starting to change color, signaling the beginning of a new day. I thought of a video game I used to play as a kid, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. One of the most annoying aspects of which is that you never knew when night was going to transition to day or vice versa. 

If you were in a town when a transition to night happened, all the townspeople vanished, and you were faced with zombies that moved like rejects from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, plus bats you couldn’t even see coming because they blended in almost perfectly with the nighttime screen. When the lights went down in the city, you, Simon Belmont, the next in a long line of heroic vampire slayers, were reduced to jumping around whipping at shit in your 8-bit leotard while a soundtrack played that didn’t exactly inspire fear in, or of the undead. 

Whether you were in town or out and about in the blocky wilderness, your only salvation from the darkness was another seemingly randomly timed pop-up box like this, which meant it was about to be daytime again:

I hated not knowing when day or night would come next. Even as a ten-year-old, the unpredictability made me nervous. You might say it was my first encounter with a pop-up ad, long before the modern incarnation those annoying little fuckers (or the option to skip ads) existed. This might be why I hate most ads to this day. Still, that night with Ashley, I actually prayed for the first time in my life that a Castlevania II pop-up would appear in the sky overhead, vanquish the horrible night, and send her back to wherever she’d come from.

Only that’s not what happened

II.

“Do you mind if I stay here tonight,” she asked. 

“Not at all (this night couldn’t possibly get any weirder),” I said.

We went upstairs and went straight to bed. I couldn’t sleep, and my occasional attempts to kiss Ashley didn’t escalate into anything more. I just tossed and turned, unable to sleep thanks to the alcohol and the stranger in my bed. Ashley didn't have any such problems. 

After hours of restlessness, I gave up trying to sleep and decided to go about my normal Saturday routine, beginning with doing laundry. I tiptoed around to avoid waking Ashley, but this didn’t stop me from checking on her every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing. After she'd spoken so agonizingly about missing Kayla, I seriously believed Ashley could kill herself right there in my bed without a second thought.

She finally woke up in the middle of the afternoon. We sat on the couch and talked about books and what we wanted to do with our lives. I agreed to let her borrow my copy of Notes from the Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and she said she let me borrow her copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. Notes from the Underground was one of those books I was supposed to read in college but never did. I was looking forward to reading it on my own time, when a requirement wasn’t hanging over my head. I’d read one of Mitch Albom’s other books, Tuesdays with Morrie, which heart-wrenching though it was, had been a fast read. I thought I could get through The Five People You Meet in Heaven quickly, and reasonably expect Ashley to finish Notes from the Underground in about the same amount of time. I figured we’d meet up after reading, give each other their book back, and that would be the end of it. 

That’s not what happened either. 

First, we drove to her mom’s house so she could pick up The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Ashley decided she was hungry, so we stopped at Wendy’s on the way back to my place. Eating fast food was a rare experience for me (but the whole night before had also been). Until 2017, I had no idea Wendy’s had a vanilla Frosty on their menu, an item that had already been around for more than a decade by the time I caught on. I’d had other things on my mind.

We went back to my place to exchange books and phone numbers. Ashley finally left at around 6:30 PM, capping a whirlwind twenty hours. I wasn’t sure what had just happened, or why, but it did happen.

I finished The Five People You Meet in Heaven in about a week, and texted Ashley to let her know I was looking forward to giving her back her book. I got a brief response like, “Hey” and something about her work schedule being crazy.  At first I didn’t mind having her book (and not having mine), but as time passed, it started to bother me. Not a lot gets on my nerves, but two things that do are owing people money and having something that doesn’t belong to me. Every time I’d see Ashley’s book on my shelf, I’d think: “Man... I really should get that back to her.” Then a more basic thought would creep into my brain: “I hope she hasn’t made good on her desire to crawl down into the grave with Kayla. Fuck... I hope she’s still alive.”

Over time, my texts and her replies became more and more infrequent. I’d joke with Kathy that I was reaching out to Ashley once every season, just to prove to myself that I was still trying to do the right thing by returning her book. As the months passed, I started to just want my damn book back, and to give her hers so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. 

That’s how it went for me. That was my routine. Until the day she just showed up in my parking lot. 

By September 2013, I’d found a job in fraud prevention. I jumped at the chance to learn something new without subjecting my ears to incoming vagina songs. I was still a night owl, but struggling to work at a pace that met the expectations of my new department. To help me acclimate, management had me do a few days of side-by-side training with a more experienced specialist. This meant I also got to temporarily change my schedule to a more traditional 9 AM to 6 PM.

For some reason, after working my temporary shift one day, I decided to walk through the rear parking lot of the complex instead of the front one. Then I saw her. She was in a car I didn’t recognize, but she was with two guys I did, from Circle K. The driver’s side door was open so she'd gotten a bit of a head start towards me before I realized what was happening. She ran into my arms and hugged me like I was someone she truly missed:

“Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!! I am SO sorry!!!!” She was practically squealing. 

You’d have thought it had been only a week instead of nearly a year since I’d wished for the morning sun to vanquish that horrible night. All I could think was, “Finally! Here’s my chance to return her book and be done with this shit once and for all.” I’d aged almost 365 days since the last time I saw her, but Ashley must have thought I was elderly and feeble. She took me by the arm and helped me up the stairs and into my apartment. Once inside, she helped me take off my shoes and put on house slippers though I never asked her to. 

“Ashley, what about your friends? Aren’t they still down there with the car running?” 

“Oh, they’ll be fine. They’re just down there smoking weed...”

’WHAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!?’

I have absolutely no problem with recreational marijuana use, but I also knew that if the cops showed up (seeing law enforcement officers driving up and down my street was not uncommon) and started asking Cheech and Chong questions about why they were there and who they were with, I wasn’t going down with them. Even in their intentionally altered state of consciousness, I was convinced they could still identify me. 

I case you’re wondering, Ashley left before I had a chance to bring up the books. I think I’d pissed her off by talking shit about her to one of my neighbors that night without realizing she was close enough to hear me. I should have whispered like Kathy had the year before when she was sure Ashley was out of earshot.

Still got it.

I never heard from Ashley again. I haven’t reread The Five People You Meet in Heaven, and the piano in I Believe You Liar still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I’m okay with that. Why? Mitch’s book and Washington’s song make up the eye of Hurricane Ashley, a storm I won’t soon forget.

[musingsofanangryginger]

31 Days of Horror 2017 Round up

Hello and welcome to the fruits of my labour. Below is a list and mini-reviews of each thing I watched during my 31 days of Horror. Some reviews are a bit beefier than others but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.

Day 1: The Invisible Man:

So I decided to start my horror by going old school…very old school, like 50 years before I was born old school. Back the 30’s Universal had a chain of monster movies which by today’s standards might be considered a bit on the tame side but from what’ve seen of that era and this one, this film stands up. So unlike the big-budget remake Hollow Man (come on now it is a remake), there is no transformation scene but instead, we meet our character after the damage has been done and we join him through his journey and his descent into madness which is excellently portrayed by Claude Raines.

Day 2: Shaun of the Dead: 

After telling a few folks at work about watching this as part of my 31 days of Horror they immediately claimed it was horror. I respectfully disagreed, at least I think it was respective. Yes, of course, it falls way more into the comedy genre but it’s very clearly a horror comedy. I can’t imagine that there are folks that have yet to see this film but for the uninitiated, Shaun’s life is going nowhere fast, content to frequent the same pub over and over, stuck in a dead-end job (Pun count 2) his lady kicks him to curb. Turns out you need a good zombie outbreak to give you that motivational boost. Directed by Edgar Wright and penned by Simon Pegg & Wright and what’s delivered a genre comedy which wears its love of that genre on its sleeve. Hilarious, Gory with some emotionally powerful punches throughout. If for some reason you’ve been in a bunker with the Mole Women your excuses are limited as to why you’ve never seen this slice of fried gold.

 Day 3: Gerald’s Game:

 King’s back in a big way thanks to the success of IT and so it seems there appears to be some clambering to get his work adapted, this one such effort being a Netflix offering. Directed by Mike “Oculus” Flanagan we’re treated to minimalist horror which takes place for the most part in a single room with some passionate naughtyness goes tit’s up (Pun machine). This is bolstered by two great performances by Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood. Unsettling and just that little bit harrowing this was an enjoyable surprise. I don’t want to elaborate too much on this one as I feel that going in blind is the key. I will say that Mike Flanagan has the uncanny ability to creep me out with violence. What I mean by this, is that I’m so ridiculously desensitised to film gore and violence that media would probably label me and some kind of mental. In 2 of Mike’s films to date, I’ve shuddered and shivered one being this and the other the aforementioned Oculus which is also brilliant. I also completely recommend Hush as well.

Day 4: Red State:

Again another debateable horror. I firmly plant this in the horror genre as it completely uses so many of the tropes. There’s the young high school guys looking to get laid and it going badly. By badly I don’t mean “oops an std and a paternity test” no I mean kidnapped by fanatics and faced with their deaths. Where this is different is that it twists all over the place it hardly gives you time to catch your breath. I loved how Kevin Smith described writing this, he said that each time the plot got familiar he skewed off in a different direction to what would be expected and it shows. Fitting in with the “this is horror” claim by myself there is an extremely unsettling vibe in the first half of the film that is perpetrated by the late great Michael Parks. Good god, his sermon monologue is downright terrifying. Brrrrr. One of Smith’s best films and a genre I think he should revisit….well of course there is Tusk. Ha ha Tusk.

Day 5: Ash Vs The Evil Dead (Episodes 1-3): 

 I had seen the first 2 eps a while back so decided to get some of this watched again. This harkens back to the brilliance of Evil Dead 2 (more on that later). Here the idiotic but pretty capable Ash sets loose the deadites once more to the gratuitously gory delight of fans and newcomers alike.  It’s hard not to love Bruce Campbell, He’s a genuinely charismatic presence. This is a show I desperately need to catch up with and feel there’s no excuse that I haven’t. I’m sorry!

Day 6: The Autopsy of Jane Doe:

It may be creepy to say, it may be weird to say, but I’m in love this film. These days you’d be very hard pressed to come across decent horror films which is sad. It’s a genre that has been limping along since the 70’s. Every once in a while though you get that gem that one in a thousand film that comes along and says “Boo” and you squeal. This is not one of these films. “But Mark” I hear you say “You seem to have bigged this film up” Why you backtracking. Oh contraire readers of mine, this here is the finest examples of the genre in last several years. The point I’m making is that it relies very little on the “Jump scare” formula and instead treats you a murder mystery with Horror along for the ride.

In wake of a horrific crime a body is found with no Id and who has no real ties to the crime that can be ascertained. It’s up to the Coroner and his son uncover why she was there, I will say no more. I felt that going into Gerald’s Game completely blind was the way to go, Jane Doe, I'd recommend a sensory deprivation tank of ignorance before going near this. Don’t even read the back of the dvd/blu ray case or google it. No trailers nothing, just rest in the knowledge that this film is entirely worth it. Creepy and gripping throughout with scares and revelations coming in equal amounts. Trust me when I tell you, you’ll want to know how this wraps up.

Day 7: The Scream Trilogy: 

20 years ago this series of films kicked off (technically 21 but who’s counting…oh wait I appear to be sorry!) 20 years since the immortal “What’s your favourite scary movie” line became engrained in popular culture. The premise was simple a killer who had seen waaaaay too many horror films went a bit of a slaughter. Their knowledge of movie trivia is used against unwilling victims…crap, this person sounds a bit like me. Don’t worry folks I use my trivia for good or at the very most to annoy folks slightly. So with the decline of the horror movie genre or more accurately during its current dip Scream was released in an attempt revitalise the industry and to be fair it did. It spawned 3 sequels (with 4th coming out way later) and a current TV series. Like the killer, this franchise stayed alive longer than it should’ve. While 2 was probably my favourite of the original trilogy, this was due to the fact that I owned it on VHS and watched it constantly and that, of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar was in it (What can I say I had a crush on Buffy), I also really like the first one. 3rd is a bit pants but has its moments, notably Parker Posey playing Gail Weathers is hilarious and Kennedy’s cameo is also great. It’s clear though that quite ironically that by the 3rd this franchise was pretty stale. Doesn’t seem to be able to stop it though!

Day 8: The Void: 

This film is absolutely MENTAL. A clear homage to the body horrors of the 80’s with the clearest being references to Hellraiser I felt, this starts off relatively sane and then skips down Insanity Drive, Crazy Avenue with a brief stop-over in Gross-ville. The films kicks off with a bloody bloke popping out the woods conveniently in front of a Sheriff’s car. The Sheriff takes him along to the local hospital where the weird begins. Cultists stop the folk from leaving and from there; well I won’t say too much more.  I will say right out of the gate that this is most certainly not for everyone, most notably my good lady Evonne. She hated it with the passion of a fiery star. I, on the other hand, enjoyed the unhinged nature, body horror creepy vibe. Give it a bash if you’re looking for some nostalgic originality.

Day 9: Slither: 

Before James Gunn was fanboying the crap out of Guardians of the Galaxy he made a horror comedy called Slither. This stars the always likable and charismatic Nathan Fillion as a small town sheriff having to deal with an alien invasion. Much like The Void, this seems to homage the body horror of old with truly Cronenbergian creatures, but unlike The Void this is flat out hilarious. All characters stretch their comedy legs keeping the laughs coming thick and fast but the stand out character for me is Mayor Jack McCready played by Gregg Henry. His intro as a crass a$$hole (there really is no better way of describing him) is comic gold and each time he’s on screen he kills it. I feel that this is a film that everyone should see once because it’s brilliant. Yes, there is a lack of articulation in that sentence so let me just say, It’s gross, a bit violent but extremely funny.

Day 10: Cannibal The Musical:

I want you to read that title again and know a few things. 1. It is not made up and 2 and one of my favourite things, of which there many, about this film, is that it is based on the True story of Alfred Packer. On their way to seek riches in a Colorado gold mine, a party lead by Packer end up being snacks for the would-be guide. Or so it would appear. I know what you’re thinking, this doesn’t sound funny. What if I was to tell you this was made by the guys responsible for South Park. I first caught this on Channel 4 back in the late 90’s as part of a Troma film season. It played late night and with good reason, within the first few moments, the blood and gore flowed in gratuitous and over the top fashion. Of course, that was nothing compared to when the songs began. Much of this can be considered a blueprint of the tropes that would end up furnishing the long-running and widely popular South Park. Poking fun at almost everything in the genre including but not limited Alfred Packer’s lost love Leighanne, it gleefully bashes all kind of clichés, notably of the musical numbers and horror variety. With musical earworms, you’ll find harder to get out of your head than human flesh out your teeth and many numerous comedic moments this is worth your time… or at the least is certainly worth mine, again!

Day 11: Dawn of the Dead (2004):

Oh man do I remember the uproar when this was announced: “Arrrrgh you can’t remake a classic, rah, rah rah etc.” Of course Hollywood was like “Shut it, ya pr!cks” but no doubt in a less Scottish vernacular. What we were presented with was a remake that paid homage to original but was in its own right also original. First off there is no shuffling but full pelt Zombies tanking it after folks, to the point where this out of shape chubby ginger bloke would be a Zombie entre, and while 28 Days Later may have had the same trope 6 years prior Danny Boyle is adamant the 28 Day’s Later is NOT a zombie film so Kudos to Zack. There is a larger group as opposed to original’s 4 which makes for a better character dynamic and there is care when likable characters go bye bye and catharsis when the bad characters join them. This is fairly relentless from the get-go, takes less than 10 minutes to get to speed and opening scene sets you up for a great movie. Potentially get some flak from DC folks over this but I maintain this is Zack Snyder’s best film. It’s Violent, Gory, Action packed as well as funny and emotional at all the right bits. Enjoy!

Day 12 Curve, Night of the Slasher, Blinky & Breathe: 

On the 12th day of Halloween, my true love gave to me 4 GOLDEN SHORTS. Yes I know I’m off on the song and the lyrics but I just can’t seem to care! So I’ll break these down Short by short without going too much into depth because too much means “why would you watch it?” 

Curve is the story of a girl who wakes up Clinging to a smooth, curved surface high above a sentient abyss. What more do I have to say about this that doesn’t have you intrigued; let’s just say that despite the simplicity, it’s very very tense. 

Night of the Slasher is shot in a single take and follows a young lady looking to violate the code of horror by committing all the sins in order to confront her would be killer. This wears its John Carpenter influences all over its blood-soaked sleeve. 

Blinky is the only Short I’d seen prior. The story a young boy and his robot who “just wants to be your friend”. Only he might be the most stable of friends, pretty sure we all have a fair share of those (if not you're obviously the mental one) I do love this short immensely. Emotional and a bit sad and pretty creepy.

Finally Breathe a very short piece in which a ghost who a young gentleman is enamored with, only appears when he holds his breath. Given how short this is I won’t say too much, but I will say it’s quite effective for the runtime.

Day 13: The Babysitter: 

This dropped on Netflix on the same evening and I thought I’d give it a bash. The film follows your standard nerd, bullied, disliked, my childhood before I became the cool hip awesome bloke you all know and love etc etc. The only person who treats him with a modicum of respect is his hot too good to be true, nerd sympathising Orthodontist....pffft, of course, it’s his Babysitter. On a standard evening of Babysitting our Nerd-do-well spies some truly nefarious dealings which features his favourite babysitter and things go pear-shaped. Hijinks and some pretty gratuitous violence are unleashed. A film that doesn't take itself remotely seriously and quite fun. The only pitfall is the shite acting, but I’m not sure if this is a stylistic choice or laziness. All cards on the table I enjoyed this film, though a bit silly, it was a good laugh.

Day 14: Christine: 

How many folks reading this have films that make you smile, that warm you no matter the genre. The equivalent of a comfort blanket? This is one such blanket for me, This here is one of my favourite Carpenter movies and Stephen King adaptation. This is a childhood classic for me and yes I was no doubt way too young to watch it but I’m so glad I did. This just your age-old typical tale of Boy meets car, boy falls in love with car, car turns out to be sentient and evil. No of course on paper this sounds guff and not too dissimilar to King's disastrous foray into Directing “Maximum Overdrive”, though trust me when I say this isn't that. What sets them apart is the creepy vibe present in Christine which is achieved by the acting talent with particular note of the leads decent into madness. The special effects are awesome and practically done and despite being 34 years old have aged better than me. My favourite of these practically done effects is the Flaming car scene. This still rings out a chorus from me screaming “HOW THE FUCK WAS THIS DONE?” The neighbours are not as appreciative as you might think. The final thread that ties this gem together is John Carpenters score. A cherished childhood memory and a long-standing favourite of mine which is yet to get old.

Day 15: Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension: 

Ahhhh the never-ending gravy train that is the Paranormal Activity franchise. By this point I assume Oren Peli is surprised that this franchise just wont rest, yet it endures. Its a very hit and miss series of films with none really capturing the originality of the first. So far I’ve not liked one of them, which was the third. The latest entry is by no means good, in fact its predictably flawed but there is an inherent difficulty keeping things fresh. This one attempts the whole 3D thing, but to be fair that is probably just an obvious attempt to squeeze that little bit of cash. Thankfully I watched it on Netflix and so I didn't have to deal with the 3D. I did however liked the explanation, in that the 3D was due to a modified camera designed to catch spectral energy. Bit flimsy I know, but better than just ignoring why a found footage series is now 3D. The story is one of those predictable flaws mentioned earlier and is on the generic side. The scares are decent but of course because the film is devoid of score builds up a background noise rumble (if you've seen any of the films, you'll know what I’m talking about) which is that cue that basically is telling you when to be scared. I hate this trope in horror films which is usually marked by the rising music. “Get ready to get scared people, woooooooh” Its false tension. If a horror film is well done it doesn't need to rely on this cheap trick. But I digress. The film was enjoyable, there’s something very gleeful in being able to see the spectral entity that the characters can't. Even if looks a tad mucus-y

Day 16: The Sixth Sense: 

A film, like the original Planet of the Apes, that everyone knows ending of. However if for some reason you’ve never managed to see this gem, I shall remain spoiler free here. So why would you watch this a second time despite knowing how it wraps? Well because it’s a very well put together creep fest and a hell of a debut from M Night Shyamalan. Yes that guy who ruined Avatar the Last Airbender. It's hard to imagine but there was a time that he was held in pretty high critical regard, his first two movies are masterworks and The Village is critically divisive but I believe its one of his most underrated films, that's right I said it, come at me, bro, and by bro I mean the internet! Also in recent years The Visit and the excellent Split has Shyamalan on a pretty clear comeback. But back to his feature debut. For those cave dwellers, the film centres on the relationship between Broken psychologist Malcolm Crowe played by Bruce Willis back when he gave a shit and Cole Sear a troubled child with the darkest of secrets. Malcolm see’s Cole as his redemption case and Cole just wants to be helped and to be rid of his curse. You see Cole is visited by some pretty darned scary spectres and he just wants to not be, which is fair enough. The two leads work very well off each other and feel for both but it the relationship between Cole and his mother that really sell this film, at it’s hear despite all the creepiness you have this Mother/son relationship which is not only believable but filled with emotional heft, I challenge you not get overwhelmed by the scene between the two in the car. Another re-watch point is absolutely fantastic score by James Newton Howard, The scares though generic these days are still quite unsettling but what makes this different from other horrors is the aforementioned emotional depth from all involved. This is a movie I’m happy to revisit.

Day 17: The Final Destination: 

This series is an extreme guilty pleasure for me. There is not much in the way of the story of depth and all follow the same generic formula, Big disaster happens or supposedly happens as standard character get the old bit premonition and stops him/her and bunch of other him’s and her’s from being part of the disaster. However given that they’ve gone and wound up Death and he’s like “NO, I’M NOT HAVING IT, THAT’S JUST NOT ON” the survivors are dispatched in creative, over the top and pretty darned gruesome fashion. This entry sees the main disaster set piece taking place at a Nascar race and after all the carnage takes place, shock, our would be protector warns a group of folks off. The deaths come thick and fast after which. This film is probably the worst of the bunch but was put on due to the relative “brain switch offedness” if afforded. There is a few highlight, the swimming pool scene, and my particular favourite Red neck + Tow Truck but this is very much a meh movie. Marred by the whole 3D inclusion the death scenes look a bit pats and very CG’d but it’s enough to switch off and enjoy.

Day 18: 30 Days of Night: 

Imagine a town where once a year there is a month of no sunrise. Now that might be unsettling in its own right but imagine that vampires discover this place exists! Buffet time and humans are the snacks. The isolation and the threat at the heart of this are simultaneously brutal and subtle. Yeah, there are some pretty spectacular set pieces but the film decides to go down a route where the fight for survival is more central. The build-up is quite slow and creepy with strange occurrences happening before we're introduced the Vampires. Carnage ensues but We spend more time with the survivors to in their claustrophobic hideout feeling just as powerless as them. The vampires are dealt with is suitably terrifying fashion, totally selling the predatory habits and ancient lineage. Very few lines of English dialogue is uttered by them, instead opting for the use of an ancient sounding language. These days in the wake of Twilight, it's hard to think of Vampires as scary creatures, this film harkens back to a time where you know you’d sh!t yourself coming face to face with one these Scary b@stards. You should also check out the source material written by Stephen Niles and drawn by Ben Templesmith. Sorry, Niles but it’s Templesmith's artwork that always draws me back, which is not to say the writing isn't good, but pick it up and you'll know what I mean.

Day 19 Holidays: 

An anthology piece around certain yearly holidays Starting with Valentine's day and culminating in New years. There are some truly dark and fuckked up shorts in this film probably taking the cake for latter is St Patrick's day & Easter. The standouts for me were Fathers Day, Valentine's day and Christmas Day. As with most anthology films there are hits and misses and a couple fall short but all in a decent little bunch if segments, like an evil Chocolate Orange!

Day 20: Fist of Jesus: 

Tonight was Games night and so I introduced my friends to the wonder of Fist of Jesus. Now, this sounds like a very dodgy title but it's not that kind of sacrilegious, it's sacrilegious in a completely different. After Jesus performs the miracle to resurrect Lazarus, things go south in an undeady type of a way. It's then up to Jesus and his bestie Judas to dispatch these strolling corpses...with lots of fish. But don't take my word for it, here are quotes from watchers:

"Made me convert to Christianity"- Archie

“Too tired, for this pish Mark!”-Evonne

“I’m at Church every Sunday now”- Liam

This is definitely worth 15 Minutes of your time!

Day 21 The Blackcoats Daughter (February): 

The danger these days with horror is to make a relentless 90 minute to 2 hour Jump scare fest and therefore make the film ultimately forgettable at its conclusion. The horror films that stick with you are the subtle slow burners that will build atmosphere throughout and only employ the jump scare periodically. You see this with the likes of The Innkeepers and It Only comes at night and in this case with February (Aka The Blackoats Daughter). From the outset, there is already something not entirely quite right and the unsettling undercurrent continues to wash over you until the film's conclusion. Often showing very little and allowing you to imagine the scenario that’s unfolded just out of eyeshot. The premise see’s a couple of young girls left at their boarding school for a winter break due to the parent’s “forgetfulness” to come and collect them in time. There is an age gap between the two ladies with youngest of the 2 going through some unsettling changes. I feel in terms of giving a synopsis that this should be enough. I suggest just going in and watching without much prior knowledge. If you prefer your horror atmospheric and slow-burning then this is the gem for you.

Day 22: The Love Witch: 

This film is stunningly shot and immediately gives you the impression you’re watching 70’s era hammer type film. While not your typical horror, it brings you in with a captivating lead and Rom-Com type of premise. Elaine (Played by Samantha Robinson) just can’t seem to make love stay. More accurately every man she falls for kind of ends up not alive, it’s pretty unlikely. Being a practicing Witch she uses her oh so considerable power and allure to reel in the unfortunate gentlemen until of course, she meets the “right” one. She then does everything she can to get him to love her back. This is a gloriously mental, at points funny kind of horror. There not full on gore for those violence hounds and there isn’t an awful lot to be scared about. It skirts the edge of “horror” very well giving you a unique experience that is likely to linger Not for all and I suspect some folks, particularly the horror aficionados may not rate this quite as highly as I do but I suggest giving it a try, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Day 23: Evil Dead 2:

Oh man, this movie fills me with a genuine sense of giddy glee whenever I think about putting it on or previous viewings that have some pretty happy memories for me. Cheesy as it sounds Movies serve for a lot of my happiest memories, taking my mum to see Marvel films, my girlfriends and I’s first date and the source of many others and my collective entourage viewings where I drag a group of my friends to see the big releases or even the tiny ones. Evil Dead 2 has particular significance in my growing up and memories with my Aunt. A day many years ago, two young folks with horror in their hearts trawled the Jack Kane centre park where a car boot sale was taking place. Through the hubbub a young Mark spots Evil Dead 2 on VHS split seconds before his Aunt Claire does and before she knows it he’s bought it from a guy, who let's be honest, shoulda checked the young Marks Id. Claire's frown slowly fades as realises what our afternoon now entails of...we’re bloody gonna watch Evil Dead 2.

I watched these films in reverse order having been shown Army of Darkness first but this is my favourite given its history. That day, as Claire and I sat in front of her tiny TV and watched this splattering of genres was a day I fondly remember and as a result will get just slightly giddy when I hear the narrator say “Necronomicon Ex Mortis, roughly translated “book of the dead” or when Ash has his maniacal laughing fit, or Henrietta in the fruit cellar or the Iconic “Groovy” and punch the air moment. Each of these moments, as well as the rest of the film, will get me goosbumpy. For those who haven't seen this (and come on if you haven't, have a word with yourself) Ash played by the always brilliant Bruce Campbell takes his lady for a romantic getaway in an isolated cabin in the woods. Of course now one draws a line in the fucking sand and Ash reads the Latin, or the latin sounding words. Either way, it's a dead language (been a while since I punned, was getting the shakes). Anyhoo this awakens something dark in woods and what follows is a blending of some excellently brilliant slapstick comedy and genuine moments of terror. It's a mix that should never work, the serious dark tone of the horror and the outlandish ridiculous humour. But man does it work and work extremely well, there's gore, dismemberment, pratfall, hands with evil intentions and a laughing mounted deer head. It's hard to express praise any higher than I already have for this film. It has a special significance to me which will won't dissipate.

Day 24: Happy Death Day: 

Groundhog Day with stabbing. Oh, you want more than that, gosh needy lot are you not! Tree Gelbman wakes up on her Birthday in a strange blokes room and goes about her standard college (University) type of day. Goes to classes, get's off with folks she's generally not supposed to until, when on the way to a party, she’s brutally dispatched. Well maybe not brutally, as the violence is pretty gosh darned tame. She then wakes up in the same boy’s bedroom...at the start of her Birthday. TIME LOOP YAAAAAAS! This rinses and repeats until the film wraps. This film could've been standard plop if not for a charismatic lead played by Jessica Rothe. She is having an absolute blast and you're along for the ride! This is a lot of fun and made me smile. My only real criticism is the lack of gore being that it's a PG-13 in the states. Now neutered horror can be good, this is a prime example but I feel my bloodlust could've been pandered to  Just a little.

Day 25: Halloween: 

Remember what I said about Evil Dead 2? I mean how could you not, its the largest chunk in this. Well, Halloween is another of those memory makers but don't worry I won't gush...too much. So yeah Black Christmas may have come first but this film is almost predominantly responsible for the slasher Horror subset of the genre, it was in the wake of this that Freddy & Jason came along (more on them later). Michael Myers is the Grandaddy of horror villains and despite treatment in recent years, started his tenure as a bloody terrifying presence. John Carpenter uses his bogeyman sparingly first, building suspense before the inevitable slaughter-fest. He stalks the poor babysitters, with Jamie Lee Curtis center stage. It still stands up because of its subtle build up, creative dispatches of those horny teens and that score. Carpenter’s scores are all pretty much iconic and sound excellent live. If you haven’t, watch this film which I was obviously too young for when I first viewed!

Day 26: Jigsaw: 

Let's get this out the way, the first Saw film is an excellent isolation thriller with a gripping story and engaging characters and with the notable exception of the 2nd film the rest of the franchise is pure shite. The films central core is completely overshadowed in the previous entries by the increasingly elaborate gore creating traps and the convoluted ways the keep using to tie each entry into it's predecessor. None have been as clever as the first. The second comes close but it is ALL downhill from there.

So was Jigsaw any good? Well it's premise is suitably intriguing with Jigsaw murders kicking back off 10 years after the franchise villain John Kramer has gone to the trap creating factory in the sky, or perhaps more likely the ground. There are obvious clues pointing to Kramer's unlikely return but something is not quite right. That is   where the smartness ends as the film find it hard to decide what it's gonna do and therefore the big "reveal" is pretty much "saw it coming". Despite my misgivings, I did enjoy this film but more in an " awwww look it's trying so hard to be as good as the first". If you want to capture that previous macabre magic of the first, strip down the budget, the location and characters and tell what seems like a simple story. I suspect there's a Hollywood exec thinking of doing the complete opposite which is why this film and any subsequent entries will ever be as good as the original.

Day 27: Tucker and Dale Vs Evil:

You know the old horror genre trope of those backward Hillbillies being those to avoid horror films cause you'll be "doomed" if you cross them? Well, prepare to have your prejudices reversed. Tucker & Dale Played by Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine respectively are off to fix up their summer cabin when these pesky kids start dying all over their property. The film pokes all kinds fun at those standard genre cliches by flipping them on their head and keeps poking fun until the end. It's violent but only in over the top to prove it's commitment to its irreverence. Laugh out load throughout and quite heartwarming at others. This is a particular favourite of mine and I'm glad I included it.

Day 28 Stranger Things Season 2 (Episodes 1-5- at the time but. season complete now): 

So we paced this. I firmly believe that binge-watching is not a good habit to get into. It's so easy to sit for 8/9 hours, or higher, straight and tank a series thanks largely to Netflix's model. The problem is that once it's done in record time...you have nothing for a year. Ordinarily, I prefer to watch 2/3 eps at a time over several days or sometimes weeks. Restraint means better enjoyment, so despite having the whole the season at your fingertips pace yourself. So now my rant is over on to How good was Stranger Things S2...VERY! Before I start gushing I'd like to address the Demogorgon in the room by saying Episode 7 haters gee yerself peace! There was absolutely nothing wrong with the episode and it's placement, Jesus they establish the fact that this will be addressed in the very first episode. It gives some much-enjoyed character development to Eleven and despite claims that it kills the pace I think it gives a needed breather, especially if you are binger. Also, anyone else I've spoken to in person very much enjoyed the episode so there is that. So this season kicks off a year after the events of the first. Will is still having a rough time of it with it being claims of him struggling with PTSD but something more sinister is present. Joyce is dating Samwise Gamgee and Nancy and & Jonathan are pretending they don't love each other and so on. Look the story is great and I could outline plot thread by plot thread but lets put it this way if you want to sit through a compelling nostalgia trip with some of the best ensemble of talented child actors to grace the screen in many years then this is your cuppa tea. There are some pretty great stand out moments, Farrah Fawcett Hairspray anyone? I'm curious to see where the Spielbergian Steven King by a jaunt through Silent Hill goes next and will be like the rest of you. Eagerly anticipating Season 3, which just in case you were in speculative doubt has just been greenlit! Can't wait.

Day 29: Brain Damage:

 Saw this back at Dead by Dawn a few years back, it's certainly a film. I have quite the fondness for this schlocky tongue in cheek affair in which Brian awaken one morning not feeling the best. it turns out that this is because he has a new companion in a smooth-talking symbiotic parasite known as Aylmer. Aylmer's friendship is not free, in exchange for some mind-expanding chemicals that Aylmer excretes, Brian must hep his new friend acquire Brains...human brains to be exact. Not to Brian's credit, he remains fairly oblivious to this for the most part due being trashed out of his gourd.

This film is more comedy than horror but there some pretty gratuitous moments of gore and the films core concept means that there is a whole of lot creative ways to dispatch the brain buffet's and I mean creative. For those who have seen this film, You'll know exactly what scene I'm referring to and those who haven't well go ahead and give it a bash. A great but insane 80's offering.

Day 30: Freddy Vs Jason: 

God this movie is stupid. I mean really stupid. But let's put some of the old bit perspective on this bad boy. Before the MCU, before WB was struggling with the DCEU we had a crossover that horror fanboys were geeking out over as much as I did watching the Avengers: Infinity War trailer. This was the showdown that was eagerly anticipated since Krugers Razor accessorised glove dragged Jason's Mask to depths of hell 10 years prior to the closing seconds of Jason goes to Hell. Was it worth the wait, well probably not but I was still excited to see it, to the point I nearly elbow dropped a boy for spoiling it while I was up a ladder adjusting a Finding Nemo banner. Reckon I'm going to leave that there with no hint of context. As stated the film is stupid but sets it's self up is sort of clever SORT OF. Freddy is in a bit of a funk as now he's all but forgotten due to a plot by local police to hide the truth about the previous murders (yup, that's not made up). The irked Kruger decides he'll dispatch a would be slaughterer for hire and goes about waking Jason up from his rest and sets him loose on the Elm st kids taking credits in a bit of a dick move. When Jason won't come to heel, well that's when the old "Vs" comes into play and the scraps take place in Freddy's dream realm as well as in the real world, and I have to say the set pieces are pretty cool. It's not the best film, hell it's not even a good film but it brainless as the "teenage" fodder in the film and pretty darned enjoyable.

31. Train to Busan: 

And finally, my horror films came to a close for the month with this South Korean cracker. A father escorts his young daughter to Busan by train to see her mum for her birthday. A journey the young girl insists she's capable of going alone, you'll be glad the Father decides not to listen to her as all hell breaks loose when some of those pesky living impaired board the train with a lack of tickets and etiquette of the biting of humans. The rest of the film thunders from one tense set piece to another ensuring the sphincter remains puckered throughout. There is some also very surprising emotional heft throughout and moments that make me test my manly non-crying limits. Director Sang-ho Yeon is definitely one I'll keep an eye out for.

So there you have it. Took me a month to write, next year if I do this I'll be sure to write the reviews as I'm going along. I would appreciate any feedback, comments or discussions you want to have as I require constant validation. This includes suggestions for 2018's 31 Days of Horror. If you have made it this far, thanks and I hope you enjoyed this Macabre Madness.