#obligatory not pro just using the tags (primarily for the people who have them blacklisted)

[hippo-love-affair]

If God doesn't want me to suffer, why is one of my thighs bigger than the other

[hippo-love-affair]

UMMMMM--

Okay, you know how people romanticize getting bruises on your spine from doing too many sit-ups (cough cough To The Bone cough cough)? Fuck that. We're over that, babes. Have y'all ever heard of the

✨ butt berry? ✨

Because I sure hadn't!! But APPARENTLY, because your TAILBONE protrudes at the top of your ASS CRACK, if you do too many SIT-UPS you can chafe your BUTT. Guess what I have!!!!!!! 😎👉👉🍑🍓

I was Googling it, and I guess it's super common to get butt berries if you do too many sit-ups, but it helps if you tighten your abs more so that your butt stays in one place on the ground (me, outing myself as a sedentary bitch with a weak core? It's more likely than you think 😌💅). Supposedly, that's harder to do if you have a big butt, and because I'm an hourglass shape, I unfortunately have a fat juicy ass :( Hmu if you're a tall leggy runway model type who wants to be thick, cuz I will gladly donate my ass and trade with you :(

Basically, what I have concluded from my research is that I'm skinny enough for my tailbone to get chafed from jutting out too much, but not skinny enough that my ass doesn't bounce around the floor like my room is a slip 'n' slide. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[hippo-love-affair]

Rare footage of me after someone calls me "too thin," microseconds before I intentionally twist their well-meaning concern into a compliment to fuel my raging eating disorder:

[hippo-love-affair]

I'mmmmmm 💫✨back on my bullshit✨💫

Was in recovery (people say you can't just hit your UGW and quit restricting overnight, but that's exactly what I did, motherfucker). Was really gung-ho about it too; thought I'd never relapse, made sappy posts on social media, finally told my parents about my anorexia, etc., etc. Did the whole "three meals a day plus snacks" thing. Got sick from recovery flu, AKA hypermetabolism. Weight-restored from 91 lbs (BMI 15.9) to 116 lbs (BMI 20.2) and maintained for like a year-ish. Got my period back. Actually had a significant decrease in body dysmorphia and eating disordered thoughts. Did it all on my own, too--never got any ED treatment whatsoever, but hey, c'est la vie.

Anyway. I'm back! 🙃🙃🙃

I've visibly lost weight. I'm pretty sure I'm underweight again, actually, because I've got a decent thigh gap going (which I didn't have when I was 1-2 lbs underweight), my clothes are getting loose, taking body check selfies doesn't make me wanna die, and I feel hot again lmao

I'm living with my parents due to COVID, so I'm not going hard on the ana bullshit right now. I'm doing OMAD and only eat if offered, so I generally fast ~21-24+ hours a day with one 30- to 48-hour fast a week. Am taking a multivitamin + calcium supplement daily. Am not counting calories. Not really restricting much either (exhibit A: my mom and I went to a café with a dessert bar today, and you can imagine how that went). Mostly relying on the fasting. My parents don't seem to notice a single disordered thing I do, and on the very rare occasion they do, they don't seem to give a shit. Which is weird because they're super strict about other things; I'm 20 and I still have parental controls on my phone, for fuck's sake.

I've been suuuuuuper sedentary over this pandemic because being quarantined with helicopter parents in the midwest is not AT ALL like living with roommates in Hawai'i and easily walking 100k+ steps a week. But I'd really like to get active! At least a little bit. Yesterday and today, I did my little workout thingy: 90-second plank, 90-second wall sit, 45 donkey kicks per side, 45 leg raises, 45 side leg raises per side, 30 standing toe touches, 60 squats, 60 plié squats, 60 curtsy lunges per side, and 90 crunches. Today and the day before yesterday, I also jogged/ran (mostly jogged) the 30-minute hill program on our elliptical.

Sis, when I tell you my hands went completely numb and cold as I ran today and I kinda thought I might pass out-- 🥴 Yeah, my circulation/blood pressure is entirely fucked. Toenails are literally gray-blue. Almost black out every time I stand up or sit up or straighten out my posture. Can't even hold my phone while lying on my side without my hands going numb. Must carry my electric hand warmer everywhere I go. Et cetera. And I'm starting to get the ol' chest-pain-and-heart-palpitations combo again too. My periods are also getting fucked-up again (they'd been super regular for months, like one day off max, and now they're a roulette wheel). Digestive system is going to hell as well. I don't even know anymore.

In conclusion, I want to be 83 lbs (BMI 14.5) so much it's unreal. Fuck anorexia 🤘😘

[hippo-love-affair]

Today I fasted 28 hours and did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical. Should've done something for my abs, but couldn't be bothered. Whatever. Fuck, I'm already starting to get hungry--it's only been just seven hours since I ate. It felt kind of good to do a >24-hour fast again, but I was genuinely dizzy before I had dinner tonight, and I dunno, dude, I'm getting real sick and tired of fasting.

I want to lose weight, of course I do, but could I live with maintaining this weight? Maybe????? The problem is, I have no idea how to maintain without constantly weighing myself and counting calories, and fuck that, I'm not ready to be back there yet. For the record, I had too many "bad days" of eating, and now my body dysmorphia is off the charts. I have no idea what I look like, because I can't really have gained tons and tons, right? But that's how I feel. You can't just eyeball maintenance when your body image is this capricious. Anyway, I got a little over a third of the way through re-reading Snuff tonight. Just one more day of reading and I'm done with the first level of the library reading program (I'll keep going, though). Hell yeah ✌️

[hippo-love-affair]

Yesterday I fasted about 24 hours, but then I binged because my family got a bunch of candy and watched Outbreak together. I didn't exercise because fuck you that's why, and I also forgot my multivitamin and calcium supplement, so definitely not a great day overall. I did read more of Diary, though.

I didn't eat today, so I'm like 31 hours into a fast right now. I'm hungry but not too. I'm going to lunch with my mom tomorrow, which means I'll have to break my fast before 48 hours, unfortunately. Probably more like 39-40 hours. I didn't run today because I felt like it wasn't a good idea on a longer fast, but I did that ab workout from YouTube again.

I also finished Diary, and it was just as batshit insane as I knew it would be--maybe even a little more so. I definitely didn't love it as much as Fight Club, and I liked it a loss less than Choke and Snuff too, but it was for sure way better than Beautiful You. I think I'd rate it 3 out of 5 stars. It was a little slow, but my biggest problem is that I spent the whole book wondering what the hell was going on, without enough pay-off to make up for it (sure, it was crazy, but there was no mic drop moment--no twist or nail-biting climax or sudden moment where everything clicked. Everything built up too slowly and surreally for that, and the conclusion of the climax was obviously inevitable). The third-but-not-really/secondish person POV was also a little weird and kept me too removed from the story; personally, I like Chuck Palahniuk best when he writes in first person. But I did like the concept of the story and its peculiar Palahniuk flair, and I think I'll be thinking about this book for a while yet. Up next: Damned.

(Literally no one gives a single shit what I thought about Diary, but it's my blog and I get to choose the needlessly verbose commentary 😌💅)

[hippo-love-affair]

So I fasted like 21-22 hours today and ate alright. I did the 30-minute hill program on the elliptical and then jogged another 35 minutes for shits and giggles. I also did this 5-minute home ab routine from a guy called Brendan Meyers on YouTube, and let me tell you, it was harder than I thought it would be :/

I forgot to say this last night, but I was not feeling great while fasting yesterday: shakiness, light-headedness, heart palpitations, utter exhaustion, the works. Much more than usual, I mean. I know that should have worried me, but the worse I feel, the more I feel like it's working. Y'all know how it goes. I don't fuck around with hypoglycemic episodes, though--I've even broken a fast for one of those.

Anyway, my family usually goes out to lunch on Saturdays, which pisses me off because it means my one meal occurs earlier in the day and I have to break my Friday-to-Saturday fast earlier, but I also sort of like it because then my Saturday-to-Sunday/sometimes-Monday fast is longer. So yeah, if my fast tomorrow is shorter, that's why.

In the interest of logging things: I'm probably going to do my local library district's winter reading program, so today I started reading Diary by Chuck Palahniuk. So far I don't like it as much as Fight Club or Choke, but I'm not very far into it yet, and I'm excited to see where it goes. Palahniuk's books always end up batshit wild by the end.

[hippo-love-affair]

Yesterday I broke my fast at about 40 hours and then got Qdoba with my mom. I did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical and broke my record distance, but for a brief period afterward, I felt sick enough to throw up or pass out or piss myself or something. I mean, I really felt the way you do when you're feverish and ill, and I sort of thought--what with my heart condition and all--maybe I'm orchestrating my own death with this cardio shit.

Also? I finished my period, but I've been spotting every day, which doesn't really happen to me. I haven't the faintest. I thought anorexia was supposed to make me bleed less, not more. Also again? I think I literally just figured out why the euphemism is "Aunt Flo." Aunt Flow. Geez.

Today I fasted 24-25 hours. I can tell I definitely didn't eat enough because I already feel sick with hunger and it's only been twelve hours since I ate, so that's cool or whatever. As like five points extra credit for one of my classes, I had to watch The Hunting Ground and then take a quiz that was ten short-answer questions ("short" answer, but joke's on the prof, I'm loquacious). The documentary plus the quiz took me over three hours, and now it's 6:30 AM and I just want to go to bed. I'm way too tired to bother exercising, so I'm pissed. At least now I don't have any homework to do until Saturday. And I remembered my multivitamin and calcium for the first time in like three days.

Oh, another thing! I had to do two presentations in a row!!! 🙄 Yesterday I had to do part of a slideshow for a group project and record myself presenting it, and guess which section I had to do? The one about anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes. And since I go to an LDS school and a lot of people are queerphobic, obviously I wanted to make my section hit 'em hard, so I worked really hard on it and I had lots of statistics from the FBI and a screenshot of some Pridefall bullshit and a picture of police brutality at Stonewall and a picture of two boyfriends who were hospitalized after getting beaten for holding hands and a picture of Matthew Shepard and that quote from the cop who found Matthew about how his entire face was caked with blood except where his tears had rinsed it off. I even mentioned that I'm bi and included some of my own stuff about other Mormons calling me a devil worshipper and saying I'm evil and going to hell for being gay and that I have no faith and don't belong in the Church. And I think I did a good job, but I was drained and on the verge of tears by the end. This shit is so fucking sad, I can't stand it.

Anyway, I also had to do a presentation in my Zoom class tonight about how Amazon has monopolized the publishing industry. That one was fun because I got to bash Jeff Bezos. The word "guillotine" was involved. And my prof loved it and said I did an excellent job! The validation :')

Okay, this is suuuuuuper long, but I've been logging my reading, so I just want to say that I read half of Invisible Monsters yesterday and a little more today and I like it a lot. There have been a couple twists I did NOT expect.

Alright, I'm done now. I promise.

[hippo-love-affair]

It was definitely a mistake to start working out so suddenly--I was so sore yesterday, I could barely move (which is really sad because it shows just how out-of-shape I am 🙃). I'm still sore today, but mostly just my legs, so I did 200 sit-ups. Also fasted for like, idk, 21-22 hours today and around 29 yesterday.

I'm so so tired. At least I don't have any class or homework to do until Saturday, so I can spend most of the next few days sleeping. Got ahead on some homework and re-read Fight Club tonight, which is better than staring at Tumblr and Reddit for hours, which is what I usually do. My life is just so...small. There's this quote from Fight Club that I think about way more often than I should:

I am helpless. I am stupid, and all I do is want and need things. My tiny life. My little shit job. My Swedish furniture. I never, no, never told anyone this, but before I met Tyler, I was planning to buy a dog and name it “Entourage.” This is how bad your life can get. Kill me.

Nihilism is not what you're supposed to take away from Fight Club--not in the dark, anarchic, everyone-and-everything-is-shit, nothing-matters-so-destroy-everything sort of way--but damn, if The Narrator's nihilistic depression and disillusionment doesn't hit hard. This empty capitalist society, burning through the environment. My useless drive to drop to an arbitrary weight goal and eat back my long-term deficit in recovery, over and over again. My tiny shit life. Fuck.

This is how bad your life can get.

[hippo-love-affair]

For some reason, I felt really normal yesterday. Normal as in not anorexic, I mean. I only fasted 20 hours, and I had a banana, an apple, a Samoa cookie, some chocolate milk, and a sandwich I made with a ciabatta bun, bacon, cheddar, and an egg (because I do whatever I can to model my life after Harley Quinn in Birds of Prey). I was just like, "Today I'm gonna cook and eat and live my life. Fuck it."

Then today I still felt normal. I fasted 21 hours and had a banana, yogurt with granola and berries, and chips and salsa, and then I decided to bake brownies. I decided to BAKE. BROWNIES. Dude. So I was feeling way too full and baking brownies and starting to get that creeping sense of guilt and dread and self-loathing, but I just tried to shake it off.

Thennnnn my dad went and got everyone Chick-fil-A (because if my dad even knows they're homophobic, he most certainly does not give a shit, given that he's extraordinarily queerphobic himself). So I had Chick-fil-A. And a few brownies--tiny ones, but still. And my stomach hurt so bad I had to go take a nap and a warm bath to try and feel better. And now I feel really shitty, and I'm so certain I've gained weight since Monday, and I regret all my decisions. Good shit 👉😎👉

Anyway. Yesterday I finished Rant, and, uh...what the fuck? For once I’m on desktop instead of mobile, so I’ll put my thoughts below a “Keep reading.”

The book was very odd in that the middle was enticing and the beginning and end were terrible. I'd've probably quit about a fifth of the way through if I weren't determined to be a Palahniuk completionist, because the writing style was so choppy and disjointed and impossible to become truly immersed in. Also, there were just so. Many. Names. I couldn't keep track of any of these people (and even by the end, I only remembered who maybe half a dozen of them were, and then, only vaguely).

But when the transcripts and ports were introduced, I was intrigued, though I don't know why they had to come in a third of the way through--I didn't really see the point in misleading the reader about the setting of the book for so long (unless, I suppose, it was just to make things twistier). I've actually thought about writing something involving somewhat similar technology for years, but Palahniuk thought the tech through so well, I'm second-guessing my own ideas. Anyway, I also really enjoyed the Party Crashing, and I thought the Nighttimer/Daytimer world-building was well-done. But then I hit the classic Palahniuk Twist™. Geez. Thanks to the world-building elements I mentioned, I was actually getting into the story, and even the writing style was working fine. Not great, but good enough. I was loving all the Party Crashing stuff; the themed nights and all, it was so creative. And then there came Rant's death: the premise of the entire book. But lo and behold, there was still a lot of book left.

  The longer it went on, the more ol' Chuck lost me. And then there was the scene with thirteen-year-old Irene, which was so disgusting and graphic and unnecessary. By then I was dying for the book to end, but all the convoluted explanation and philosophizing kept building up. I mean, talk about overwriting your ending--you really lose all punch to your biazarro twist when you do that. I didn't come into this book expecting to be talked at for so many chapters. And really, it all felt so disconnected from the rest of the book. You've heard of the three-act structure, right? This felt not so much like three different acts as three different books altogether. Presumably it's all deeply interwoven, as there apparently exist complex fan theories, but I seriously do not care enough to look. Although I understood the basics of the Twist™, I know I missed a lot of stuff that I could've gotten if I'd read more carefully, but I was so unenthused, I just wanted to plow through and git 'er done.

Final verdict: #9, below Diary but above Doomed.

As for tonight, tonight I read Choke for what I think was the third or fourth time. It was just as good as I remember. Survivor was great, but you know what, Choke is just better. It flows well and all the elements work together; you don't get the sense of too many moving parts, and it's pleasantly implausible but not too outlandish. It's vivid: often gross, occasionally beautiful. Victor is troubled and flawed and misogynistic, but bearable. You can really feel his desperate, delusional obsession when he begins to fall apart. You can feel his complicated feelings toward his mother, see the darkness of his childhood. Oh, and I love poor ol' loser Denny. Choke is interesting and well-structured, with a surprisingly emotional undercurrent. And the twist actually got me the first time I read it. It remains #2 on my list, above Survivor and second only to Fight Club.

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Okay, so I fasted 28 hours and did that planking routine three times in a row. I did not run because it's hella cold in the garage where the elliptical is, and because, well, I'll just come right out and say it: I FUCKING HATE RUNNING!!! I'm incredibly lazy and I hate exercise in general, but WOW, I seriously hate running!! I hate it here!!!! Having an eating disorder is the stupidest thing I can think of. I hate my dumb bitch-ass brain. But anyway, I did eat my "YOU'RE THE BEST" chocolate tonight, and it was delicious and made me happy :) Although I also took a 2.5-hour test tonight, ugh. Also? I finished reading Doomed. It wasn't too bad, actually. I liked it much better than Damned. Damned was this outlandish story with a goofy hellscape and bizarre demons and a 13-year-old girl battling her way through hell. In a lot of ways it felt like it was trying too hard to be funny or clever. Doomed, in focusing more on the living world and Maddy's prematurely truncated life--as well as sidelining most of the characters from Damned--was a tighter, slightly more grounded story, and it felt less silly. I didn't miss the previous cast of characters, as I wasn't attached to any of them and the whole Breakfast Club thing felt forced to begin with. I was a little annoyed with where Babette's character veered off to, but let's be real, characters, their development, and their consistency aren't the strongest point of this duology. What is? Well, sheer batshit craziness, of course. Reading any given Palahniuk novel is an exercise in saying, "Holy shit, can he really write that?", and that's half the fun. Sometimes the bat guano works, sometimes it doesn't--and, wow, to take this back to Doomed, what happened with Maddy and the glory hole in the public bathroom was just. Wow. Fucking horrendous, borderline unreadable, and, in a word: WTF. The debacle involving a decomposing kitten corpse? Also incredibly awful. But the floating white island of plastic was genuinely cool, and the whole astral projection and possession thing was a good concept. I thought young Maddy pretending to date Jesus Christ was hilarious. I loved the recurring descriptions that went like, "the blue that my ____ sees when I ____." The plot wasn't super strong--there was a lot of Maddy just deciding to launch into extremely detailed stories, and the ending/reveal was anticlimactic--but you know what? It was enjoyable, it was readable enough. I read 90% of it in two sittings. It was weird and very much fucked-up, but I liked it. Diary was so slow and anticlimactic for me that I'm actually having a hard time deciding whether I should rank it above or below Doomed, but I think I'll keep it at #7. Doomed goes below Diary and above Damned. Next I will probably either read Survivor or Rant. And by the way, I've read 8 books in 17 days! I'm proud of myself!

[hippo-love-affair]

Today I fasted for 24 hours, did the ab routine and this small planking routine, and ran for 10 minutes on the elliptical. And bro, I am REALLY SICK of running and of not eating all day. I'm really going crazy, dude. All I do is stay up late and sleep all day so I can fast longer. It's bullshit. :/ Had one of my writing groups this morning. Afterward I finished re-reading Snuff, and don't ask me why, but I still really like it (and I'm ace-spec, so books entirely about sex are usually the opposite of appealing to me). It's filthy, sometimes outrageous, and skin-crawlingly, nauseatingly vivid in its imagery. It's a super quick read. Not very deep, but sprinkled with a light dose of intrigue. It's fun reading all the many, many euphemisms for "masturbator," and even more fun reading the punny porn titles and their ridiculous plots. There are also a few scenes that, unfortunately, live in my head rent-free (primarily the nipple-shaving incident and the Brenda incident). In short, it's gross and obscene, it's weird, it's wholly unsexy, and it's unapologetic. And that's what makes it fun. Nothing ground-breaking, no exceptional characters or masterful plot points or radical commentary, but for whatever reason, I really njoy it. I rank it #4, under Lullaby and above Invisible Monsters. Oh yeah, and I finished the first level of the library reading program! I get chocolate from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory as part of my prize, and fuck it, I'm gonna enjoy every last bit. I've dreamt of that chocolate for so long. Next up, I'm gonna read Doomed, which I just barely started and am not super excited for because I didn't love Damned. If it's bad I'll re-read Choke afterward to cleanse my palate.

[hippo-love-affair]

It's been a hot minute since I've posted 'cause I've been super lazy, so here's a recap of the past few days:

Sunday ✂️ Fasted 15 hours :)) ✂️ Ate twice, and way too fucking much, but w/e :)))) ✂️ Ran for ten minutes on the elliptical ✂️ Ab routine ✂️ Read more of Lullaby during church lol Monday 💀 Fasted 14-15 hours :))) 💀 Steak and Shake with my family 💀 No exercise because sleeby 💀 Finished Lullaby Tuesday 🥀 Fasted 22-23 hours 🥀 Sushi with my mom 🥀 Doubled up on the ab routine 🥀 Read Tell-All 🥀 I'm so hungry right now :/ Lullaby was really good. It was weird, it was dark, it posed questions about the nature of humanity, the plot moved quickly, the characters were memorable, there was a great twist/final puzzle piece moment, it had some strong imagery (pulling the model house bits out of the MC's foot???), there were moments of genuine suspense, and Helen was a total icon. And I'm ace-spec, but that sex scene in the chandelier was so damn cool and made me jealous. I will admit, though, the penultimate chapter is probably tied with Ellis's American Psycho for most viscerally disturbing published writing I've ever read. I honestly wasn't sure I could get through it. I kept looking up from the book and staring at the wall while muttering "Fuck" and "Holy shit" under my breath. I thought I might tear up, it was so fucked.

Tell-All was better than I expected, which is why I read it in one sitting. It was pretty light, kind of campy, lots of fun. Easy read. I probably would've gotten really annoyed with all the constant references I didn't understand, but I read it on Overdrive and thus could quickly search the names on Wikipedia, which was fun because I do have an affinity for silver screen actresses. I genuinely wasn't expecting the twist at the end, though maybe I should have. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it was fun and silly and I enjoyed it. I've ranked Snuff #3 in my list of Palahniuk novels for a while, but I thiiiink Lullaby is gonna knock it down to #4. Tell-All gets #6, below Invisible Monsters but above Diary. Next I'm either going to read Doomed or re-read Snuff, but it'll probably be Snuff.

[hippo-love-affair]

So I fasted almost 24 hours today. I did that little YouTube ab workout, then did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical and beat my record distance. My blood pressure and heart and breathing (I have asthma) felt good after I ran, too! Didn't have class or homework today, took my vitamins tonight, and took a bubble bath while doing a face mask after my shower. I put on lotion and everything after my bath, and now I'm in bed and running my diffuser with lavender oil. I have one of my writing groups in six hours, so I need to get to sleep, but I feel pretty okay.

Last night (by which I mean this morning), I went to bed at 11 AM for no actual reason, so I literally woke up right before dinner, which was nice because waiting all day to eat is intolerable. I mean it--doing OMAD at night really fucks with my head. It makes my life so miserable, so unbearable. Does anyone else feel that way? Last school year, before I entered recovery, I was doing like 20+ hours of intermittent fasting a day and just eating before each block of class in the mornings, and that was INMENSELY more tolerable. The anticipation of food makes my food obsession skyrocket. Kills me. That's why, according to my sleep app, I go to bed at 4-6 AM on average: so I can sleep through most of my fasting hours. Anyway, I finished reading Invisible Monsters. I know it was published back in 1999, but there were a few relatively questionable parts on the topic of trans people, mostly toward the end (I don't care how Palahniuk writes about gay people, though, because he's gay himself). I won't give spoilers, but if you've read it: the thing with Brandy didn't bother me because how you present doesn't define your gender, and Palahniuk clarified that gender-affirming surgery isn't mutilation for trans people, but I didn't like the thing with Evie. Not because of the MC's reaction (she's not a very likable protagonist and I'm down with that), but because of the way it was tied into the book's theme of real vs. fake. Evie was super fake for plenty of other reasons. Otherwise, I really liked the book. I'm surprised the publisher rejected it as Palahniuk's debut novel for being too disturbing, because in my eyes, Fight Club is much more disturbing. I couldn't decide whether I'd rank Invisible Monsters before or after Snuff, but I thiiiink I'd have to put Snuff after Choke and before Invisible Monsters. Very close call, though, because there were a couple parts of Invisible Monsters that shocked me and gave me chills, and I almost teared up when I read the final page, and I love Brandy Alexander SO MUCH! I'll read Damned next.

[hippo-love-affair]

As you can presumably infer from my TMI post about the ✨🌸 butt chafing situation 🌸✨, I did 100 sit-ups today. Also ran the 30-minute hill program on the elliptical and beat all my recent distances, so that's cool, I guess. I have no idea if I'll be able to keep up this level of activity, even though it's not a lot. I always get super gung-ho about exercise for a week and then give up because I hate working out SO MUCH.

Additionally, I fasted like 25-26 hours today (bruh, you can tell my heart is NOT in this anymore because I used to track my eating window down to the minute and log my fasts down to the nearest quarter-hour 🤠). Then my mom brought home pizza, so I binged, natch, and honestly? Ask me if I give a fuck. I'm so tired of this ana shit. Am genuinely just doing all this for a laff, mate xx

[hippo-love-affair]

I fasted like 17.5 hours today and then went to Garbanzo's with my mom and a lady from church and her daughter. I did that one little planking routine once this morning and twice in a row tonight. And I'm so tired!! I'm so tired!!! I'm not invested enough in this relapse to actually lose a ton of weight and feel good about myself, but I'm just invested enough to do things that make me feel like shit all the time. I'm going crazy but I don't want to stop and it sucks so bad 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 Brighter note: I got my prize from the library reading program today. It was a set of reusable utensils and a little chocolate bar from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory that says "YOU'RE THE BEST." I didn't eat the chocolate yet because my mom and I went to See's after lunch, but I'll eat it tomorrow. I don't give a fuck how many calories it has. I'm the best, after all :) Oh yeah, and today I got halfway through Doomed, and all I have to say is...what the hell is going on?????? I--