#obsessed with dauntless because i wanted so badly to be brave and strong and able to protect myself. the way i still do now! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sammygender · 2 years

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i’m sorry i have psychological problems because thinking too hard about tris and four from hit shit YA trilogy divergent still makes me want to sob. even tho i haven’t thought about them in like five years

#suddenly want to cry not at them but at twelve year old me #God. jesus christ. jesus fucking christ #we change and we grow up. & stuff we held most dearly in our arms becomes a subject of mockery!#but we still have a little soft spot for it deep down because we remember who we were when we liked it #& i remember who i was when the biggest part of my identity was being a divergent fan. giggling whenever someone said the number four.#obsessed with dauntless because i wanted so badly to be brave and strong and able to protect myself. the way i still do now!#the way i always will #i was so little i had so much hope :( before anything shit had happened to me yet. or actually not really not at all. but before i’d #processed most of the shit that had already happened.#i can’t believe i was real back then. when i look at kids from that age now it’s scary they seem so little and so not real but i was so #real. i felt so much. i sorta wanted to kill myself aged 11 & i really almost did aged 13 #but i was still always so full of hope. i thought i’d get older and get a romance like tris and fours. one that leaves you dead but still #ultimately loved. important. and i thought i’d be brave; excited; jumping from trains and off roofs. i always told myself i’d be the first #to jump.#i think i would; think i was right #the little version of me that had discovered for the first time that he was brave.#i’m the friend who makes the other friends do stupid shit. i like that about me. on buses i see tattoo parlours and jump and go WE SHOULD #ALL GO GET ANOTHER PIERCING! and then we do. a lot of my life is based on random moments of impulsivity. that’s really nice.#but i used to lose myself in other people’s writing; now it’s always my own. that feels so easy #just to consume. to give nothing back. feels so freeing #& i used to be free; no academic pressures or worries. the way i’d kill for that again.#oliver talks

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