#obvi that quiz made me think about this but im not saying anything bad about the quiz it was fun

[dashiellqvverty]

personally i think having strong opinions about which character tops is fine as long as you are conscious of like whether you are basing these things on stereotypes and stuff (which is why i DONT like when ppl have strong opinions (and i do mean OPINIONS as opposed to just reading preferences) about who tops in rpf because theyre not characters and you dont know them so like what are you basing that on). and sometimes these headcanons might adhere to stereotypes which is like fine whatever as long as thats not the REASON u know? i

also think its kind of not great to suggest that headcanoning characters as switches or having an even balance (or just not having an opinion on who would be a top) is the only way to "be normal" about gay characters like actually a lot of real life gay people are strict tops and bottoms! like yes more ppl switch than stereotypical depictions make you believe but its still a part of like gay culture and stuff.

like personally i USUALLY am less concerned about who is topping bc i mostly read d/s fic and i DO have very strong opinions about those headcanons like it is about accurate characterization to me. and sometimes who tops is part of that also but i am MORE concerned with who doms and what theyre into whether they're topping or not. but like you still gotta be aware of Why you headcanon things a certain way

[letmyinsideslive]

Conflicted.

dates vary.

you know for some reason, i find myself believing, that boys aren’t worth it. All this time I have always wondered why me, why no boys, why do boys not like me. Now look at me, i have guys all over me, but all i have to say now is that they are disgusting and don’t deserve any of my attention. Don’t get me wrong, I am AMAZING. I’m cute, I’m funny, I’m nice (for the most part) sarcastic, creative, well thought out, so many more attributes. I have many negative characteristics too (who doesn’t) but for the most part, I’m a dime.

The thing is, I wasn’t always a dime. This has taken time. Not only to look good, but to feel good, and think good and just overall, develop a good sense of “self.” If that makes any sense. But whatever, lets keep going. So here’s the thing. Once I started gaining all of this confidence in myself, boys followed… and they have just distracted me and made things worse. If you give boys the time of day, THEY WILL COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE.

I never had my first kiss, I had never done anything with a boy until this guy at my work started pursuing me. The thing is, I liked him back. That’s what got me in trouble. I liked him BACK. And so I pursued back. MISTAKE.

WHAT A MISTAKE.

I am still a virgin (thank you JESUS. I plan on staying a virgin until marriage.. life #goals). Anyway, this guy was all over me and listen. He went WAY TOO FAST. You wanna know why? BECAUSE HE WANTED SEX, and I didn’t. I wanted a person, I wanted someone to talk to, get along with, have fun with. Not only was he just… not a good fit for me. He didn’t (doesn’t) value me as a person or value my morals or ethics. It was SO obvious. He just wanted to kiss me, grope me and have sex with me. and HE TRIED. But YA GIRL DIDN’T BUDGE. The next morning I gave him a HUG (lol) and left. Then, I proceeded to call my sister and talk about my problems. This conversation with my sister led me to the decision to drop said boy.

Dropping said boy was easy. Very easy lol. Buttttttt the aftermath is still burning inside my chest. I can’t help but get annoyed and roll my eyes when I see him talking to other girls. After I broke things off with him, he still proceeded to call me, text me and snapchat me asking what I was doing that night (which, ANNOYED ME). AND GUESS WHAT. He went back to the girl he said was his biggest mistake and hung out (most likely had sex) with her the DAY AFTER I BROKE THINGS OFF WITH HIM. I HATE HIM. Not only because he stole my first kiss, which he did IN FACT, STEAL IT. He told me to “close my eyes because he had something to show me,” yea what a coward he kissed me and it was honestly so lame and I was like… “uhhhh ok thanks??” I didn’t say that of course, there was nothing to thank him for lol.

Its so weird. How I don’t like him, how I don’t even find him that attractive. But I cling to the attention he gives me. because he makes me feel like a queen. He does drugs every night, he drinks every night, he’s 25, works in a restaurant and doesn’t have ANYTHING to acclaim for. I DO! And I’m 22! Not only have I lowered my standards drastically, but I have let this male human grope me, touch me, and kiss me when it means NOTHING TO ME.

And get this. I’m TERRIBLE. I am  TERRIBLE person. Last night, I got drunk and guess what I did. I tried to make an agreement with him to “just be friends and to not catch feelings” but let me tell you, I know if I do anything with him I will catch feelings. I just want to drown out everything ELSE im feeling right now. I am a psychopath. I really am. What is WRONG with me. and the thing is, he’s NOT GOOD AT KISSING. Or maybe I just wasn’t drunk enough. All I know is that I haven’t done anything with any guy ever, and I am wasting it on this guy. And I know it will make things worse. I am a MESS, and adding a boy to the equation will just make things messier. So why do I do what I do?

I’ll tell you why.

To feel in control. And it’s a sad excuse, but that is EXACTLY why I am doing what I am doing. It is PITIFUL AND DISGUSTING. And I am using other people. And  I am okay with it.

Update.

UPDATE..

I am an idiot.  I choose my own fate and I have no idea why, because 90 percent of the time I choose the wrong thing. Like today, I was supposed to study for my finance quiz tomorrow, but did I? no, I didn’t. I fell asleep, and then barely studied (but not actually). I have a court date tomorrow morning, so I am sort of focused on that right now, but even then, the court date is at 8:30am and my quiz is at 6pm. IF I have the time to study in between, if my court date doesn’t take TOO long, I can head back to school and just study before my quiz. But yea, like I said, I don’t always choose the right thing to do. I didn’t choose the right thing to do with this guy that I am messing around with.

I AM A VIRGIN. I AM INEXPERIENCED.

And I hate it.

I hate it.

I just wish I could do stuff and not have feelings about them. It’s lameeeeeeeeeeeeee. We hooked up (not sex obvi) but we did other stuff and it felt amazing, and I loved it. But then (EW) I started seeing myself liking him afterword’s. and that sucks. That sucks a lot. Finally, I had to be honest with him, so I told him what was up. I am not sure how he feels about it. Even though we talked on the phone about it and all of this stuff, I still don’t know how he feels. I feel like I wont know until I see him in person. And all I wanna do is see him in person. Which is SO LAME. I am ONE OF THOSE GIRLS EW  EW EW.

Even worse you guys, I work with him. That’s the worst thing. Can you imagine… ughgugughgugghgh

Whatever he said he likes me too but I don’t trust him. He’s a guy, guys lie ALL THE TIME to get what they want. So who friggen knows. All I know is I am finally getting some experience in this area of life and I am using precaution and I am trying my best to be wise and smart about the whole thing.

I don’t feel bad about hooking up, I don’t regret it at all, which is something I am content about. I always thought I would have this crippling regret but yea I don’t lol. The only regret I have is catching feelings and it sucks because he’s a guy so he can separate the two and I cannot because I DON’T KNOW HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS. BUT YEA THAT’S WHATS GOING ON. He is 4 years older than me, great, sweet, kind etcetera etcetera.

I am going to continue praying about the entire thing and my entire journey throughout this experience. In my head and heart, Jesus knows best, and I trust him and fully have faith in His plan for me. I know He loves me more than anyone I know, and He wants to take care of me. So I will hand my life over to Him and let Him take care of me.

I think it is best for me to go now. Need to take a shower and get ready for bed, court date in the morning. Wish me luck, pray for me. I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday morning my friends.

xx