#obviously the italics are being used as like real recap stuff ya feel ya feel

[persephonesgossip-blog]

waking up in vegas

Call Katy Perry because our girls got the full drama of waking up in Vegas better than anything the swish swish bitch can do.

And I’m not even joking. This report is days later than planned due to all the work it took to get all the deets.

So let’s start with Friday. First things first, we got a nice look at everything Rachel Berry and Norah Puckerman had to offer - and I mean everything. Like, that is some kinda NSFW stuff in the links. Except for some blanket coverage and minimal amounts of underwear, the girls finished shooting their video for “Turn the Lights Down Low”, which will be allegedly released “soon”, whatever that means. 

Apparently that wasn’t enough time away from her main squeeze that day, since eye witnesses report that she and a certain Kat Hummel had a dinner together. Maybe this is more future in-law bonding a la Kitty and Marley’s day at a horse ranch? Maybe...or maybe there’s some trouble in Puckerose Paradise?

Kat and Norah made a bet that whoever lost the most money in the casino that night would buy the other one dinner. Kat lost and the two had dinner on Kat’s dime, complete with wine and maybe some feelings - though the two of them aren’t telling. 

Later that night, #KittyKat had their gayest date yet - literally the gayest since they went to a gay bar to shoot a video, according to Kitty’s insta. Of course, we assume shooting a video is a euphemism for something.

And while that’s all good, I’m sure you’re all wondering what the Puckerose Paradise comment means. Well, unless you live under a rock or don’t have the girls’ tweets sent to your phone - why wouldn’t you? - Marley Rose allegedly got drunk for the first time ever. Cute, but also, #thefeels? Did Puckleberry do more than shoot a video, a la #KittyKat? Was Norah trying to make a move on another part of the Humrose family at dinner? Something is definitely up with that.

Marley, in an attempt to forget about her feelings for Kitty, got drunk for the first time ever. She ended up texting quite a few people in her state and embarrassed herself along the way. Norah also texted as soon as she got her tweet, which led to a fight between the two of them about Norah being too much of a mother hen and several other things Marley probably should’ve said years ago. Oh, and she admitted she felt things for Kitty, which may have caused several things to erupt. 

Eye witnesses report that the next day most of the girls weren’t out and about, except for Rachel and Quinn Fabray, who watched the fountains and then disappeared in a rental car. Seems sketch in the funnest way - do we have another ship on our hands? Any idea for a name for these two? Let us know in the comments below!

Rachel and Quinn did indeed watch the fountains and then hit the desert in a rental car to gaze at the stars. Totally not romantic or a date at all, what are you talking about?

Norah wasn’t kidding about that thing for pussy during the whole “accidentally” revealing she’s bi thing, huh? One night after dinner with Kat, fans on the scene saw Norah and Kitty drinking at the bar. Poor, tiny Kitty could never compete with Norah when it comes to drinking, so Norah eventually took her back upstairs. Again, is this an innocent future in-laws (sora) time, or is this a sign of trouble with Puckerose yet again? After all, Marley tweeted about a quarter-life crisis and posted a rather moody snap to her story as well...

Kitty had planned on finally admitting how she’s felt about Marley for literally years now, only to stop herself when she saw Quinn. In her misery, she headed to the bar that night. Norah did the same over her own issues with Kat as well as her earlier fight with Marley. When the two continued to drink in Kitty’s room, Kitty made a pass at her, something she had planned on earlier in the tour in order to learn a trick or two. When Kitty emphasized it was “just for a night”, Norah couldn’t help but feel used and cheap, especially with how she had been brushed off by Kat. She told Kitty no, listing both Quinn and Marley as reasons why it couldn’t happen and the two went their separate ways.

To top it off, Norah and back-up singer Blair Anderson were spot commiserating over fried foods and beer at the bar their last night in Vegas after Marley apparently flew to Denver instead of taking the bus with them. Puckerose definitely seems to be having some problems, but at least everyone is getting along!

Eventually Marley got the truth out of Norah as they tried to make-up. That led to Marley and Kitty fighting, due to Kitty hitting on Marley’s best friend. Finally Kitty couldn’t stop herself from admitting she had wanted Marley since before they even met. Still, their relationship is on a rocky ground. As is Quinn and Marley’s, since Marley accidentally revealed that Quinn wasn’t as straight as Kitty assumed. Marley also accidentally outted Kitty to Kat.

So now the FabWilde girls have some talking to do, Norah has some issues to work through, Puckerose are working on their friendship, Karley might have a chance at a relationship, Faberry is coming along nicely...and Blair and Kat are being fabulous and have the right to judge everyone from the sidelines.

We’ll be sure to inform you with the latest news as it comes to our attention. Thanks for joining us for this gossip blast here at Persephone’s Gossip!

JBI

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 4x14 “Doors and Windows”

Another twin recap by @tarajean621 and me.  Look for her comments in italics below:

Especially Jude, Who��s Taking Really Long Showers These Days if You Know What I Mean:  Brandon!  Ew!

You Used to Fight Us So Much About Taking a Bath and Now Look At Ya:  Hahaha!  Stef!  Now I can’t stop picturing little Brandon.

I Don’t Want to Go to School. I Don’t Want to Go to Therapy/You Don’t Want to Do Anything.  Enough With the Melodrama.  Let’s Go:  Wow, Stef.  Dismissive much?  Mariana’s obviously having a tough time.  While I get that school is not optional, she needs to feel heard.

The Last Thing I Need is More Stress:  Lena, if you, Stef, Brandon, Callie and Mariana are all upstairs and Jude left, who is downstairs with Jesus?  Also, I’m more than a little uncomfortable at the fact that this episode seems like it is going to be all about everyone else’s stress (which is, apparently, Jesus) :(

Don’t They Have College Courses in Prison/I Have an Idea!  Why Don’t You Take the SATs For Me!/Wow.  Juvie’s Hardened You:  OMG Brandon and Callie!  Hahahaha!

I Just Wanted to Be Upstairs with Everyone:  The isolation is real, guys.  We see physical isolation in that the entire family is upstairs, leaving Jesus alone downstairs.  Normally?  No big deal.  (And probably why no one thought twice about it.)  However, Jesus realizes upon attempting to climb the stairs that he is literally cut off from his family.  (Which becomes even more poignant later in the episode, when Mariana verbalizes a memory from early childhood wherein the twins were abandoned in their crib for a day or more.)

With something like a brain injury, it is impossible to come to terms with all of the ways it will impact you.  In Jesus’s mind, he is perfectly capable of climbing the stairs.  He has been able to do so most of his life.  So, being forced to confront his physical limitations here is crushing and frightening for him.

Also, the show has made sure that we do not forget about PERSONALITY CHANGES that can occur post-TBI.  AGGRESSION.  The truth is that emotions in general are closer to the surface.  So, we see Jesus cry here.  And the family rallies around him.  

Note: In real life, a subsequent head injury is a very real concern.  Technically, Jesus should be wearing the helmet we see later all the time, now that he is ambulatory (but unsteady).  If this were real, the first question asked would be, “Did you hit your head?” And even if the answer was no, a trip to the hospital would not be out of the question.

Jesus Fell Down the Stairs This Morning.  Well, Up, Technically.  I Think He Really Wants to Get Back In His Bedroom and Out of That Dining Room.  It Gets Pretty Lonely Down There:  How devastating, especially knowing what’s coming up as far as the reveal about the twins’ past.  Mariana totally gets how loneliness could drive Jesus’s actions here.  Her adding, “It gets pretty lonely down there,” shows that Jesus’s feelings are reasonable and that they make complete sense to her.  It’s not like, “Oh, Jesus was ridiculous and tried to climb stairs by himself when he shouldn’t have.”  These two don’t handle being alone well, which, given their early history, makes complete sense :(

This is About You.  You’ll See:  Mariana’s pretending hard that everything’s okay while she’s talking to Emma.  Both these girls have masks in place so hard.  Emma’s obviously nervous saying she’s not pregnant, which makes me worry that she is.  And Mariana’s just using to her Smart Voice hardcore to get through the day.

I Hate You...Shut Up:  Imagine walking into room, and not realizing that it is actually a live rock show.  The intensity of the music through the amps, so loud you can feel it.  The crowd of people.  Flashing lights.  Colors.  Smells.  Screams.  Applause.

Now, imagine that you’re expected to take a final exam while you’re there.

Seems pretty ludicrous, right? 

But this is what it is like after a brain injury.  The ability you once had to seamlessly filter information is compromised.  So, while neurotypicals like Lena and the therapist are able to carry on conversation and focus on what needs to be done, someone like Jesus struggles.

The activity in the room, extraneous conversations and other noise, the bright colors, fluorescent lights all assault Jesus’s senses simultaneously before PT or cognitive therapy even begins.

Now, lets add another layer.  Jesus is sitting on an exercise ball trying to balance while contending with his right-sided tremor.  (During a live rock show.)

He is simultaneously using free weights - again, while contending with the tremor.  (During a live rock show.)

Also, Jesus has to pick out the therapist’s voice from the sea of other noise. Listen to him.  Process what he is saying.  And follow his instructions. While sitting on the exercise ball and using the free weights.  (During a live rock show.)

Then, the therapist introduces flashcards. :/

Aphasia can also affect a person’s ability to identify letters.  And reading is also an act of filtering, believe it or not.  

1. Jesus may or may not recognize all of the letters in the word boat.  (I had trouble identifying/saying letters that had similar counterparts, like b, d, g, p, q, m, n, u and w as well as those that I did not use frequently such as x, y and z.)

2. He may experience all of the letters in the word rushing at him simultaneously. (Because of an inability to filter.)  This is understandably overwhelming, and it can impact Jesus’s ability to pause and attempt to read the word.

3. Most importantly, Jesus realizes that he should know this stuff.  Not all that long ago, he would have been able to accomplish everything asked of him easily.  He is not unaware of that fact.  So, he is understandably embarrassed and crushed.

And the live rock show plays on.

Again, we see that the stress of therapy has limited his speech:  

I hate you could mean This is hard / I hate having to struggle through things I used to do easily.

I’m done first and foremost means that for the moment, he is done and needs a break.  It could also mean I’m embarrassed to have not been able to immediately recognize and read the word.  

No means no.

Shut up (responding to Lena’s “Honey, you can do this”) could mean No I can’t / Listen to me / Respect my limits.

This is the hardest part of the scene to watch.  Lena is attempting to encourage Jesus, as the neurologist recommended.  

However, both of the adults in the scene have failed to listen to Jesus.  He drops the weights and says “I’m done” - a clear message despite limited speech - I need a break.  He is immediately countered by the therapist that not only does Jesus need to read the boat flashcard, but a full 5 sets of flashcards when he is already at his limit.

He says no, which Lena follows up with “Honey, you can do this.”  Which is well-meaning and also ableist.   He clearly could not read the card in that moment, so she is not respecting his limits or the fact that he said no. 

They take a break after Jesus yells.  Not when he says he’s done.  And the break is clearly for the adults, who promptly leave Jesus in the care of an aide of some sort, so they can procure coffee and/or vodka.  

What is Jesus’s break like?  Does he even get to leave the room? (x)

Also, I just rewatched 4A, and in particular 4x09, (the episode where Jesus finds Stef’s journal and reads what she wrote, that Lena didn’t want to adopt him and Mariana.)  We can see it affects him by how abruptly he closes the journal and tries to hide it from Mariana, and the way in which he tells Moms what is upsetting Mariana.  It is obviously affecting Jesus, too.  This discovery is in the episode before he is injured, and while we know that Lena followed through with Mariana and went into more depth about where she was coming from at the time, Jesus was not included in this conversation - though it applied to both twins.

While he is in the coma (4x12) we can see just how big his fear of being abandoned is.  He dreams his family moved and left him behind, with no forwarding address.  Little Mariana is there, cautioning and trying to protect, but there is no sign of actual Mariana, no other sibs, and notably, no Moms.  Lena plays a very specific part in his dreams, too.  She is actually physically there and he follows her, at one point, and keeps trying to get her attention, but she never turns around.  Most difficult, when Jesus dreams of being at Mariana’s funeral, Stef says, “It’s all your fault,” but it’s Lena who says, “We wish it were you.”

To me, these things indicate, Jesus has a lot of unresolved feelings and fears specific to Mama.  To have her walk away and joke about needing a drink now that Jesus has this brain injury?  It speaks so directly to his fears of her abandoning him.  It’s every (older) adopted kid’s nightmare.  To have our deepest fears of being left confirmed.  She is walking away.  And Jesus may feel like now that he is struggling with so many things, and having honest, big feelings about it, it’s gonna be too much for Mama to handle.  And maybe she won’t love him anymore.  Being disabled and adopted is so complex.  And adoptive parents are not immune from saying and / or doing things that reaffirm our deepest fears that we will no longer be loved or wanted, because that is what our experience of parents tells us is the norm. This fear always exists and being disabled (for an adopted child) can seem to give an adoptive parent a concrete reason to stop loving us.  To leave us.  Even, to mistreat us.  (x)

How Long Is He Gonna Be Like This?  Lena asking this question and being met with explanations by the PT about “outbursts” and Jesus’s “short fuse” ignore and dismiss Jesus’s perspective.  

This is also the first moment in the episode where we stay with the caregiver POV, instead of with Jesus.  We see that Lena and Tomas both dismiss Jesus’s anger as a symptom, instead of a legitimate reaction to his treatment and circumstances.  The crying earlier was not seen as a symptom, however.  Comfort was given in that moment, because crying is seen as an acceptable reaction.  Disabled people are generally pitied by society, and it is expected that we pity ourselves.  Disabled anger is rarely viewed as valid.  Our public existence is linked inextricably with how we make nondisabled people feel.  We are, in many instances, viewed as objects of inspiration.  If we cry, a nondisabled person can comfort us and feel good about that.  Being in the vicinity of anger, though, does not feel good.  And as such, it is often dismissed as an overreaction or a symptom.

$300,000/It’s a Small Price to Pay to Keep Callie Out of Prison:  Okay, but wow, Robert.  That’s so much money.  Plus, it’s gonna really suck if you end up thinking Callie should move in with you because you did her this favor or something.

Sophia and Callie Look So Similar, Maybe He Got Them Confused/Did You Break Into Doug Harvey’s House?  It just got real, Callie.  And Stef has zero patience left because if the DA finds this out she is going to jail for real and Stef thinks maybe it’s what Callie deserves.  Then she takes it back and says she doesn’t mean that.  These two are so stubborn.  Callie needs to let Stef handle this.

I’m Done/One More Time:  Oh, fine motor tasks.  How I loathe thee.  Jesus is painstakingly separating coffee beans from pennies, and I feel for him.  Because we see clearly that, with brain injury recovery, the therapy literally never ends.  Not only is the task tedious - it’s boring.  And it is complicated further by the fact that it is actually difficult for Jesus to do right-handed, which is super embarrassing in and of itself.  Never mind that Lena and Emma feel the need to hover and/or supervise such a mundane exercise.  So, something that already makes him feel excruciatingly self-conscious quickly becomes unbearable the moment he makes a mistake in front of two people he feels he needs to impress.

With so much of the day scheduled within an inch of its life, it is no wonder that Jesus jumps at the opportunity to get Mama out of there and goof off a bit with Emma.  I love seeing them able to just breathe and enjoy each other, and that Emma does not try to “parent” Jesus.  

But Mama is not happy when she comes back.  And when Jesus says, “I’m done,” it is once again disregarded.  :(  The AGGRESSION does not come out of the blue.  It is communication that Moms actually acknowledge.  

Also, it is nice to see Brandon respect Jesus’s body language and resist the urge to help him up the step when he leaves.  

Hey, You Know, I Got It:  Here we have the second time that a choice was made to stay with the caregiver POV rather than with Jesus.  Isn’t it interesting how, in this moment, Brandon is able to see that Lena needs a break by taking her nonverbal cues?  He gives her the space she needs, and even offers to further accommodate her by taking Jesus to therapy the next day. 

When is the First Time You Remember Feeling Powerless?/Jesus and I Were Babies:  We just watched a podcast about PTSD and EMDR yesterday, so it was really interesting to get to see Mariana do EMDR here.  

The therapist asks Mariana what feelings she had when she discovered Nick in her room with the gun.  Mariana says she felt scared and powerless.  He asks if she has ever felt that way before.  She says she has.  A bunch of times.  Like when the robotics team turned on her and when her mom got shot and they thought she was gonna die.

Then he asks about the very first time Mariana remembers feeling powerless and she describes at time that she and Jesus were babies.  They were in their crib, crying and calling out for their mom but she never came.  They waited a day, maybe longer.

Though Mariana and Jesus are very much separated in this episode, each dealing with their own stuff, and even though their stuff is different, it is bringing up the same feelings for both of them.  In Jesus’s case, dealing with medical trauma brought back his early feelings of being abandoned and feeling responsible for Mariana, as we saw in his dream in 4x12.  And in Mariana’s case, Nick hiding in the house and pulling a gun on her triggered feelings that date all the way back to when they were babies.  

It’s Okay.  My Therapist Gave Me Permission.  I’m Taking My Power Back:  Mariana is hanging a sheet in her bedroom doorway here because she feels powerless having no privacy, so she is changing that.  She tells Moms this is not about them, this is about her.  And that her therapist would like to meet with them tomorrow at 3:00.  Mariana assumes that they will be too busy but says that her therapist assured her that since Moms love her they will make time to come in.  Lena says they will, and Mariana says if they have further questions about her privacy, they can discuss them then.

The thing that leaps out at me the most in this scene is that how clear Mariana is about her boundaries.  Putting them up physically and making them with Moms even in terms of the conversation.  She does this, though, with her Smart Voice.  With her reflexive smile.  Both are like armor, that she is clinging to.  (Likely because she does not feel listened to when she is vulnerable and honest with Moms.)  Mariana needs them to take her seriously, so she goes over their heads here, and does not give them a choice.  It all feels a bit manipulative, too, which is not surprising, given just how little she and Jesus could trust adults to take care of them as babies.  She is used to using manipulation to get her needs met, to a certain extent.  It’s a survival skill that she has not totally lost.

I’m Not Your Bro: Brandon, your cheerleading is super annoying.  And “Actually, you are.  Or did you forget that, too?”  Inappropriate.  (But so true to life.)  A little tip for our readers?  Don’t be like Brandon.  To insinuate that someone is in brain injury rehab because they “forgot” how to perform certain tasks is so minimizing.  Because what Jesus is doing right now is not “remembering.”  He is actually retraining his brain.  Forming new connections, making pathways around the damaged areas.    

It is such a delicate balance, because you do want and need support in rehab from family and friends.  However, you feel embarrassed to your very core to be working on such basic things.  And everything everyone says feels condescending, so it’s almost intolerable having people watch you.

Jesus tells Brandon to go away, and miraculously, Brandon listens.  (PSA to the family: If Brandon can do it, you can too!)  

HEALING IS WORTH IT!  DON’T GIVE UP! We spotted this lovely (sarcasm) poster as Brandon is walking away from Jesus.  In this one, a person is standing up victoriously from a wheelchair in the sunshine. We’d like to know what it implies if an injury means you must use a wheelchair to get around?  (Giving up?  Not trying hard enough?)  Also, where is the super ableist store where these awful posters are procured?  Ew...

Senior Project/What’s It Supposed to Be Now/A Cell...Like Solitary Confinement:  The 45th iteration of Callie’s senior project and it’s a doozy...

I Didn’t Know You Knew About Construction/You Would’ve If You’d Asked:  Right, AJ?  Callie, you weren’t shy about asking Aaron what he knew about construction...

Just Wondering if I Could Ask You Some Questions About How to Help Jesus:  While I think it’s great that you’re asking about music therapy, Brandon (possible avenue for you?) how about you ask Jesus what he needs from you instead of asking everyone else how to rewire his brain?  I’m sure his answer would be much different than theirs, as well, considering that it seems like he just wants to be connected to you guys and not so isolated.  Everybody is so afraid to ask him questions and I feel like they could learn so much if they did.  Also, we are not sure how we feel about Brandon outing Jesus to the music therapy student here.  While it is assumed that patients here are recovering from TBI, and Jesus did tell Brandon to go away, I’m not sure he’d like knowing you talked about his injury to a perfect stranger...

TODAY, I’M TELLING MY TBI I’M IN CHARGE!: This is an actual poster in the music therapy room.  Because, you know, it’s that easy.  And all disabilities can be cured by the power of positive thought. (Meant to be read as sarcasm.)

You Made Detective...Human Trafficking:  Wow, this would be a shift for Stef!  Also, I’m not sure how I feel about Captain Roberts encouraging Stef to keep quiet about whatever might put her career in jeopardy but I guess for the moment I’m relieved.

Jesus, That’s Great!  Emma, Not So Much:  I love that this scene is included.  We see Jesus and Emma both engaged in playing Row Row Row Your Boat, where Brandon could have asked Jesus to play it himself.  But there is so much less pressure this way.  Brandon gives feedback to both and is not afraid to correct Emma.  Being able to succeed at a task gives Jesus a much-needed sense of accomplishment, which is rare in the days of brain injury recovery.  Also a plus?  Music feels fun and less like work.

From My Perspective, Mariana Exerts Her Will on All of Us, Pretty Much All The Time/I’m Glad You Used Those Words, ‘From My Perspective’:  Ooh, ouch, Stef.  Mariana’s therapist just got done telling you he thinks she has PTSD and that she’s reexperiencing feeling powerless at home, and that’s what you’re going to say?  I feel like Moms could probably use therapy, too, to be honest.  I’m glad the therapist is there, guiding them through this so that Mariana knows her feelings are valid.

We Can Never Assume That Our Perspective Is the Only Perspective.  Which is Why Communication is So Important:  So true.  OMG.  Her therapist is so wise.

Bedroom Doors Aren’t the Reason Kids Shut Their Parents Out.  Lack of Trust Is.  Trust That You’re Going to Hear Them.  Trust That You’re Going to Respect Their Feelings Without Assigning Your Own Perceptions to Them:  This is also so true.  Very true for me, at least.  And I’d imagine it’s really hard for parents to listen without letting their own perceptions get in the way of hearing and respecting their kids’ feelings.

We Encourage The Kids to Talk to Us All The Time/And Then You Call Me Melodramatic, and Make Me Feel Like My Problems Aren’t as Important as Jesus’s Injury...Maybe Their Problems Are Bigger Than Mine/Honey, Don’t Do That.  Nick Held a Gun to Your Head:  I love this exchange between Lena and Mariana.  How Mariana can clarify how she feels about being called melodramatic and that it literally makes her doubt the validity of her feelings in front of them.  Lena can see that and cautions her about it, reminds her that her feelings do matter.

Treat Every Child Respectfully, So We Can Earn Their Trust, and Hopefully Then, They’ll Share Their Secrets:  Do you hear this Moms?  Every.  Child.  Respectfully.  Including your son in the living room, Jesus.  (Oh, gosh, who is at home with Jesus????)  His injury does not exclude him from deserving your respect.

I Thought It Was Mariana/She’s at Therapy:  So, Brandon’s home, but doesn’t know Emma’s in Mariana’s room and Brandon doesn’t know that Mariana’s at therapy.  So he doesn’t know Moms are at therapy with her.  Again, I ask, who is with Jesus?  I get that he does not want to be stifled all the time but it seems that the only people home are on a completely different floor of the house and no one seems concerned that he has no way to reach them if he needs something.

Did Jesus Yell At You?  You Can’t Take That Personally.  It’s Just Because of His Injury.  It’s Like He Has No Filter:  Exhibit #554992 - Jesus’s anger is not legitimate.

No, He’s Never Yelled at Me:  Look at that!  Maybe it’s because you treat him like a person, Emma!

Something I Need to Tell Him and I’m Not Sure That I Should/Is It Something You Can Tell Me?/I Think You Already Know:  Emma, yes you should tell Jesus.  If it concerns him, he deserves to know.  And Brandon, just because Emma isn’t sure she should tell Jesus doesn’t mean she should tell you.  This is not your business.

Stairs: This is a blatant excuse to further the plot by having Jesus witness something he is unable to contextualize due to his physical limits.  We see him struggle to do something without proper accommodations or safety precautions.

I Don’t Wanna Be a 16 Year Old With a Baby.  Is It Horrible If I Don’t Tell Jesus?  I’m Just Afraid That in His Condition, This Would Be Too Much for Him to Handle:  So, first things first: your body, your choice, Emma.  But you are taking the choice about what Jesus can handle away from him.  Let him decide what he can take.  I’m pretty sure that lying to him is going to make him feel so much worse than the truth.  You were the one person he could count on who treated him, for the most part, like a friend and not a parent.  This is gonna be so awful.

I Think It Would Be A Lot For Jesus to Handle Even Without the Brain Injury:  Not your call to make, Brandon!  Though I do appreciate that he didn’t just cite the injury as the reason not to tell Jesus.

You Have Too Much Makeup On/God, Jesus/I’m Tired.  You Should Go:  Emma urges Jesus to read a get well card, and Jesus drives her away by saying something mean.  He is understandably too embarrassed to admit that he’s having difficulty reading.  Dream!Emma did tell him, “You’re too dumb for me,” after all...

Take Detective.  Not Gonna Give Up on Gray and Malloy, I’m Just Gonna Do It From the Inside: Well, that does not sound reassuring, Stef.

Doors Are Not Really The Issue.  Trust Is. Which We Are Working on Developing.  But No More Secrets: Stef, I’m glad you and Lena put the doors back on, but it’s not as simple as expecting the kids not to keep secrets when you guys are still working on developing trust with the kids.

Incapable of Expressing Herself/Paranoid/Dangerous/She Was Defiant:  It’s only now that I can actually see that Callie’s senior project has facets of all of her previous senior projects, which is pretty cool.  She included the pictures of herself that she gathered/has as well as the ones she took of the houses she stayed in, plus the pages of her file up on the cell wall with these words in big type.  How stark and sad.  To reduced to your behavior without taking your motivations into account.  (Kind of exactly how the family is treating Jesus.  Everything about him now is coded through “brain injury” and that stops them from considering all of the valid reasons Jesus could be reacting as he does.)

So Tired of Secrets, So Toxic, Let’s Start Telling Them:  Mariana changed her Twitter handle and she just told the whole Twitterverse that she stole her brother’s ADHD meds.  (Though, perhaps this is a separate account and more anonymous, which would be good.  Keep taking that power back, but don’t forget to respect your fam’s privacy, too.)

Card:  We finally get Jesus’s POV!  And it is so effective.  He attempts to read the card from earlier while alone in his bed, steeling himself beforehand.  And the letters on the card move, mix up and blur as he looks at them.  I hypothesized that something like this may be happening earlier in the recap, and aside from the blurring, this is very similar to how reading was for me in the beginning of my recovery.  

So little is in Jesus’s control at this point in time that he wants to rip the card up.  But he knows that destroying it will not change what he sees.  So, he resorts to physically covering his eyes while breaking down.  

No one is there for him in this moment.  He is as isolated physically as he is emotionally.  No one can understand the fear he’s feeling.  So real.  So powerful.  Jesus’s recovery is far from over, and unfortunately, there will be many more instances of loneliness and isolation to come.  Not to mention the long journey toward self-love and acceptance in the face of a life-changing injury.

For more: Fosters Recaps