#occasionally ill just Think about laptops and phones I don't need but i think are neat & cool

[theactivepresent]

Thinking About Her* Again

* the Lenovo Yoga Book 9i gen 9 (13" intel) that i absolutely can't afford and definitely don't need

[noodyl-blasstal]

33... and you... and me

It's day 2 of @taznovembercelebration and today's prompt was "promise". I drew a second card and got "celebrity AU" so here's a mix of those. It's extra silly because what is taznc for if not to roll around in the ridiculousness?

You can find yesterday's here, and read this one below or on Ao3.

--

"I can't just slide into his dms and propose, you're being ridiculous." Kravitz flops back on the sofa, head in Sloane's lap. "Why'd he have to go and get famous and unobtainable?"

"Ah yes, it would be ridiculous, wouldn't it, for someone to get all famous without warning. Perhaps be some big shot that everyone wants as musical director."

Kravitz harrumphs. "I'm a big name to a very small group of people. It's not the same and you know it. Taako's on TV! Television!! He has live events! He signs things!! He has calendars, every year!!"

"You could have calendars every year if you just listened to my suggestio..."

"Sloane! I am not doing suggestive poses in my pants holding a baton. We've had this conversation an upsetting amount of times."

"Look Krav, I'm gay as hell, but I know excellent marketing when I think of it."

"Uh huh."

"But mostly, I know an excellent distraction when I think of one."

Kravitz is tumbling to the ground before he can do anything to counteract Sloane's shove. She's into the bathroom and has the door locked before he's back on his feet. Maybe he does need to take up yoga or something to help him fall and un-fall more gracefully.

"What’s going on?" Kravitz shouts through the door.

"I'm going through a tunnel, I can't hear you!" Sloane yells back.

"If you're ill you could have just said, do you need me to get you anything?"

"You can't be nice to me right now." Sloane has just enough guilt in her tone to indicate that this was, in fact, not a medical emergency.

"Sloane? What did you do?"

"What am I doING?" Sloane corrects.

"Sloane?" Kravitz tries not to let worry creep into his voice, he fails. Wait... No. No no no! Kravitz pats at his right pocket desperately, then the left just in case he stashed his phone there instead. Nothing. "Tell me you didn't?"

"What's that? Bad line, I can't hear you."

"Sloane!" The panic is there now, evident, front and centre, 100% justified.

There's no reply. Shit. Kravitz runs for his laptop, maybe if he just changes his password...

"I already changed it." Sloane hollers from the bedroom.

Kravitz changes tactic, tries for his emails.

"Sorry Krav, I changed that too."

"You don't even know what I'm doing."

"You're on your emails, you're predicable."

"Actually, I'm calling the police." Kravitz yells, petulant and stupid.

He can hear Sloane snorting with laughter from down the hall. She's never going to let him forget that one. Shit.

--

"How bad was the message you sent?"

“The message I sent? Oh, we’re not going to be talking about any messages from me today.”

“What do you mean?”

"Well, while rhapsodising about how much you want to marry Taako, how wonderful you think Taako is, how unobtainable and perfect and wonderful, you forgot to mention that you've stayed in touch. You also forgot to mention that he follows you. You forgot to mention, Kravitz, that you and Taako have been chatting."

"It's not chatting, it's just talking sometimes."

"Uh huh." Sloane narrows her eyes.

"He doesn't know who I am or anything. He probably doesn't even remember me."

Sloane clears her throat and reads off her screen. ""Nice to see that Taako's future husband is keeping it tight." Reply to a photo you sent him in which you're conducting. He does seem to have circled your arse in the screen shot he sent back."

"That's not serious. He's joking."

"And the countdown?"

"What?" Surely she didn't go through the whole conversation? There’s loads of it. So what if Taako messages him sometimes, so they video called semi-occasionally? It didn't mean anything, he'd never specifically said it meant anything.

"And I quote." Kravitz didn't like the sound of that. "Happy birthday, wandsome, 4 years 'til you're mine."

"That's... It… It doesn’t…"

"3 years 'til we can buy the cottage and run away together, handsome. Temporarily, obvi, Taako needs to stay current."

"How many screenshots do you have?" Kravitz might be able to anticipate exactly how bad this is if he knows. Maybe she searched for keywords and didn’t scroll.

"Your birthday last year: "1 year, we're nearly there, don't go falling in love with anyone else.""

"Okay, I get it. He talks to me and he remembers my birthday."

"Kravitz, you are, as ever, focusing on the wrong headline here. He remembers the promise, you know, the one you've been agonising over? Positively fretting about, in fact. "Should I remind him? Should I see if he's interested?" The answer's yes, Krav, you should see if the man who has reminded you about the ridiculous fucking promise for the last 3 years is interested in following through."

"But his boyfriend?"

"Hold on, wait, what boyfriend? Have you been messaging him even though he's with someone else?? Kravitz!"

"He's never mentioned him to me. Just, there's been a few interviews..." He tails off.

Sloane taps at her phone.

"Are you googling Taako?"

"No, I'm googling "boyfriend "Taako Tacco"" because I actually want relevant results."

Kravitz sighs and takes his place at Sloane's shoulder. Their height difference was nothing if not perfect for group research.

"My boyfriend doesn't like to be in the spotlight, we'll, apart from when he's doing it for work, he's a baller music guy, only the best for Taako, natch."

Sloane turned slowly to glance at Kravitz.

"I don't know who it is." He shrugs. "Taako didn't mention him to me, so I thought maybe it was to keep them off his back, or, you know, some kind of stunt."

"Mmm hmm. Well here's one from earlier this year, see if you can think of anyone it might be. Taako says: "I think it's pretty serious. We talked about marriage a long time ago and we check in every year. Mind you, who wouldn't want to be married to America's favourite kitchen wizard?""

"He's not wrong. Anyone would jump at the chance." Maybe his voice isn't meant to sound so dreamy, but it's Taako. He's everything Kravitz wants from a partner, funny, attentive, generous, smart, gorgeous.

Sloane all but groans. "Gross." She grimaces up at Kravitz. "Being disgusting isn't getting you out of this though, next one: "yeah, I'm sure he's the one. I've known him forever and haven't been interested in anyone else." Oh, and here’s some more, interesting: "he comes to my shows occasionally, I love it when he's in the audience, always inspires a bit of extra magic, gotta make sure he remembers how great Taako is." Haven't you been to a few of his shows, Kravitz?"

"Well obviously, I go whenever I can." He does, it's important to support your friend who you may also be in love with. It’s also really nice when Taako comps his ticket, although they agreed to do one on one off so Kravitz can support the show too.

"And you let him know you're going?"

"Well it usually comes up when we're chatting, or, you know, planning when to meet up?"

"Oh, so you've been meeting up?"

"Yeah, of course.” Kravitz hesitates. “...Only when he's in town and, you know, the times I flew out to meet him."

"Uh huh." Sloane's doing the voice she usually adopts when Kravitz is being particularly dim about something.

"It's nice, you know, to keep in touch."

"Would you say you keep in touch a normal amount, based on your other acquaintances?" There's a trap here, Kravitz can tell, but he doesn't know what it is.

"Well I talk to him less than you, and you're basically my only other friend."

"Oh don't make it sad when I'm trying to bully you."

"Sorry." Kravitz says, resting his chin on her shoulder, that might garner enough sympathy to get him out of this.

"So how often would you say you kiss, you know, when you're seeing each other a normal amount?"

Or maybe it wouldn’t get him of out this. Kravitz tries hard not to freeze up and demonstrate the level of panic flowing through him. "Ah… well, you know... The, er, the usual amount." He says, casually. Definitely casually. She won't suspect anything.

"Which issssss?"

Shit. Well, honest is the best policy. “Every time. Obviously. Kiss your homies."

"We're homies, we don't kiss."

"Would you, er... Like to?" Kravitz's throat is dry, clicking as he tries to get the words out. He really doesn’t want to have to kiss Sloane.

Sloane lurches away from him. “No! Gross. God.”

“Alright, there’s no need to be so totally disgusted about it.” He doesn’t need to be defensive about this, he doesn’t want to be defensive about this! He had one misguided attempt at kissing girls and realised very quickly that he had no interest in it, but, pride is a fickle thing, and Kravitz clearly needs to work on his.

“Are you actually upset that I, a gay woman, don’t want to kiss you, a gay man, who has absolutely no interest in me and knows that I don’t want any kind of romantic relationship with him? Also, what exactly do you think Hurley’s going to say when I tell her about this?”

“No! But…”

“Kravitz, you are very handsome, I will not stroke your ego any more than that. Back on track - you’ve been kissing Taako on the reg for at least 3 years now?”

Kravitz cringes.

“Kravitz!”

If he doesn’t reply he can’t be in trouble. That’s science.

“Kravitz AdventureZone! How long?”

“Six years.” He mumbles as quietly as he dares.

“One more time there, friend?”

“Six years.” He says more clearly, he’s not going to repeat it again.

“Six fucking years? I thought you were going out of town for work stuff!”

“I was sometimes! You didn’t ask every time.”

“I…” Sloane gives an exasperated sigh.

“Please tell me you know who his boyfriend is.”

“I just told you, Taako’s never mentioned him, I don’t know if he exists.”

“Kravitz. Engage your brain. Think about this. You have been seeing this man regularly kissing and I assume more…”

“I read about brojobs one time and just kind of assumed it was an extension of tha…”

“No, stop talking right now immediately. I refuse to hear you say anything else about boning down. You have never seen a penis before, even your own.” Sloane clamps a hand across his mouth. “Now, you’ve been seeing him regularly, kissing, more.” Sloane presses her hand down more firmly, just in case he tries to add anything else. “... and you work in music.” She removes her hand.

“I work in music.” Kravitz says quietly.

“You sure do.”

“And we message nearly every day, and video call a few times a week.”

“Uh huh.”

“And he sends me nice things and I send him nice things.”

“Yep.”

“And we joke about the promise every year.”

“Do you think maybe it’s not a joke?”

“He could have anyone!”

“I’m not convinced he wants anyone else, Krav.”

“I… I’m dating Taako?”

“Sure are, bud.”

“I. Fuck.” Kravitz sits down on the floor. “He never said.” He says, more to his feet than to Sloane. His Mums always taught him to put his head between his bent knees when he felt floaty so he could be small and heavy instead.

“Apart from all the times you talked about getting married?”

“He didn’t specify he wasn’t joking.”

“Did he specify that he was?”

“No.” Kravitz says, sulkily.

“And how about all the times you talked about moving in together?”

“We moved in together!” There, he’s being reasonable! Flawless logic.

“Yeah, but you’re not in love with me are you?”

“No.” Says Kravitz reluctant to admit defeat... Although, actually, wait. “But he doesn’t know that!”

“That you’re not in love with me?”

“No! That I’m in love with him.”

“So you haven’t told him you love him?”

“Well, I mean, I obviously tell him I love him.”

“Uh huh.” Sloane sounds like she’s about to implode.

“But like, in the normal way.”

“Uh huh.” He’s not sure he’s ever heard her voice pitched so high. “When you say normal?”

“Just like, the usual amount, that I would tell a friend who I’m in love with and also sleeping with and seeing regularly and… fuck.”

“Yes, you already established the fucking, there’s no need to boast.”

Kravitz should laugh, it’s funny, is the thing, it really is, but right now he’s rehashing 6 years worth of memories. It seems obvious, now that Sloane has laid it out for him, but how was he supposed to know? If no one clarifies then why’s he suddenly supposed to assume they’re dating and not just friends? At what point does that even happen? It’s been wonderful, is the thing, he loves that man, deeply, truly, passionately. That was the reason he’d brought up the promise in the first place. When they both hit 33, if there was no one else they wanted to marry, they’d marry each other. It had been the perfect plan when they were 10, and 15, and 20. But Taako had gone off and been famous and they saw each other less and Kravitz had just assumed that now that the world loved Taako too Taako would love someone else.

But he didn’t.

He hadn’t for the past who knows how many years, he definitely hadn’t for the last 6, because he’d picked Kravitz, chosen him to pour his time and his love into and Kravitz hadn’t even noticed properly. Or, of course he’d noticed that it was an important relationship. He’d celebrated Taako’s achievements, birthdays, candlenights; he’d bought every single one of his calendars and made him autograph them; he even made the world’s first and only copy of ‘“Got Wood?” a conductor pin up calendar’ for Taako. But no one had explicitly said they were dating. Taako hadn’t acknowledged it, well, except in the interviews… shit.

Kravitz stood up too fast, grabbed the table to steady himself. “I need to buy a ring.”

“Right now?”

“Right now! It’s nearly my birthday.”

“The promise?”

“Yes. I intend to keep it.”

-

Want to read more? Find Day 3 here.

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

What We Lost and What We Have

Chapter 9:   Wookies, warnings and homophobic grandpas

In which Jack’s sneak stat is a 2, Sam has a weird story about a wookie encounter, and everybody needs a pep talk.

TW’s for this chapter: Talk about past sibling death (not of a main character)

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AU somewhat inspired by Episode 2x20 - What Is and What Should Never Be, and the season 14 storyline concerning Jack’s illness.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AO3 Link

Previous Chapter

First Chapter

Complete Tumblr Chapter List

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Jack spent almost the whole two hours or so Castiel was gone on his phone and part of Sam was elated.

He’d drafted the same email about corporate responsibility (for the proliferation of inaccurate information on rechargeable batteries) six times now. It was incredibly dull technical writing and he hadn’t been able to focus at all.

Every line of legal jargon he managed to type was interspersed with his mind screaming.

“Say something!”

Sam had come back to the hospital with a purpose, to be helpful to hold out the olive branch to Castiel and BE there for Jack.

-

But ‘there’ was all he was…

-

He had no idea what to say to Jack. The day before had been easy enough, everything had been one long train wreck fed by the intrinsic emotions that came with serious illness. But now that things had calmed down and everyone especially Jack was not on the verge of emotional collapse? He had no idea what Jack needed from him.

And outside of what Jack explicitly needed or wanted it wasn’t like Sam had a deep well of topics to draw upon for small talk..

-

‘What the hell did Sam have in common with a kid literally half his age?’

“What do you say to your estranged baby brother when at his age one of your main goals was keeping the hell away from him?”

-

It didn’t help that Jack himself seemed to suddenly become incredibly shy, only occasionally peeking at Sam sheepishly when he thought the man wasn’t looking…

“So you like… Star Wars?” Sam finally blurted after twenty long minutes of silence.

Jack blinked at Sam in confusion at the out of the blue question before glancing at the back of his themed phone case and flushing slightly.

“I… Yes?” Jack looked a little unsure.

Sam grabbed onto the subject, “Who’s your favorite character?”

Jack’s phone buzzed in his hand and the kid glanced between Sam and the screen nervously before setting it gingerly aside.

“I think… I think Finn is pretty cool?”

Sam suddenly realized his mistake, he knew absolutely nothing about the new movies, he’d been too busy to get around to watching any of them

“Oh that’s… cool… I used to have a Chewbacca plush when I was a little kid,” Sam tried instead.

There was a long moment with no noise but the passive whirring of one of the machines and a soft cough from Jack.

“Oh?” the teenager said politely.

“Yeah it was pretty cool, original too, apparently those things are worth a few hundred dollars now…”

-

‘What are you babbling about now Sam?’

-

Jack smiled and that made it seem worth it though.

“So do you collect stuff like that or something?” he asked curiously.

“Well no, it was kind of… destroyed?” Sam huffed a little sheepish.

“Destroyed?”

“Yeah… Like I said, I got it when I was a little kid, I chewed on the fabric weapons belt until it tore off and one day I left it outside and it rained so it got all mildew-y,“ Sam quickly explained fumbling for purchase with the Jack’s interest.

Jack pulled a face, "that’s too bad…”

“The final straw though was when Dean called it a moldy sloth and I hit him with it, he tried to take it away from me and it tore raining the carpet with mildew-y stuffing…” Sam chuckled to himself.

“That’s pretty destroyed,” Jack looked mildly grossed out.

Sam missed his cue to let it go.

“Thing was though even after all that I still didn’t want to throw the thing out, I was too attached, So at six I thought it was a great idea to  put this damp mildewed furry thing in a pillowcase, tie the pillowcase shut and hide it in my bed’s box spring…”

Jack’s only response was to stifle another cough in his elbow.

“We didn’t find it again until my bed started smelling like mildew, somehow it spread into the wood of the box spring and the bottom of my mattress, and the wookie… well it was some other kind of furry when my dad finally pulled it out.”

Things were dead quiet and when Sam glanced back up at Jack, he looked uncomfortable, “O-oh?” Jack said diplomatically.

-

‘You… really overshare Sam, for fu-…’

-

“Yeah… it was… nasty, sorry, that was a long time ago.”

Jack’s eyebrows drew down a little and he looked rejected for a moment. Sam wondered if it was something that he’d said.

There was another few minutes of awkward silence before Jack’s phone buzzed again and he glanced nervously between it and Sam.

“Just… go ahead I’ll… “ Sam awkwardly tapped the side of his laptop and just like that they both went back to their designated devices as if nothing had been said.

Sam didn’t know how to talk to Jack, every happy childhood memory he had was from before Jack was born and didn’t include him, and even outside of that, he didn’t really know Jack’s personality, what made him smile, what bothered him… what he loved.

Jack seemed to be cautiously trying to connect too and somehow that made things worse, like they were both going for a high five and Sam kept awkwardly missing.

-

‘Trying to meet in a middle that might not even exist…’

-

Sam quickly went back to his emails and stayed with his head buried there until Castiel got back a while later.

———————————-

“I’m so, so sorry I fell asleep in the parking lot, Where’s Jack?” Castiel asked anxiously before the door even swung closed behind him..

He looked a lot better, his hair still damp but neatly combed and finally dressed down a little bit in a fresh shirt and no jacket.

“He’s fine,” Sam quickly placated, “the nurse just… took him for an X-ray of his arm. I think they wanted to put on a cast or something.”

The man relaxed a little and sighed going back to his spot beside the bed, “right… yes, they… mentioned they might do that today if the swelling was down… I…” He brushed back his hair wearily, “was everything alright while I was gone?”

Sam shrugged, “it was just like I said, nothing bad happened because you stepped away for a few minutes…”

Castiel shot him a look and for a moment Sam worried if he’d crossed a line but the man quickly relaxed again.

“I know you probably think I’m being… paranoid, and I don’t know, maybe I am, or maybe you just can’t understand this, but Jack…” Castiel’s eyes were far away, “I don’t want to take any chances with him…”

Sam felt the same mild discomfort he had for days now, seeing Castiel vulnerable just… felt wrong. The time away had done him good but for every bit less manic he looked now he looked ten times more exhausted.

“You’re right I really don’t get it…” Sam huffed. “I mean the way I see it he’s already in the safest place he could be.”

Castiel snorted sounding unconvinced.

“I but then again I’ve never been a parent so, guess I wouldn’t…” Sam paused, he was coming off all wrong, “I don’t know… what this is like for you.”

Castiel eyed him a little amused, “I didn’t know you even thought of me that way… I… I don’t want you to think I’m some nut but who doesn’t trust modern medicine…”

“I don’t, I’m sure your not…” Sam said quickly.

“It’s just…” Castiel rubbed at his face. “The doctors were doing the best they could when my sister died, sometimes it feels like “the best” still doesn’t mean much …”

Sam paused trying to figure out whether his next words would be welcome or get him another dirty look.

“I mean, I don’t really think things are that bad…”

-

‘Dirty look, it definitely got him a dirty look.’

-

Sam quickly switched gears, “what I mean is, Jack seems better today so maybe the doctors are on the right track. Or better yet this thing, whatever it is, is just sorting itself out…”

“You didn’t hear what the doctor said last night, you don't…” Castiel sighed and rubbed at his forehead.

“Don’t you have a job to get back to… in California?” Castiel muttered wearily.

For a moment, Sam felt affronted and maybe a little hurt, but there was no real malice in Castiel’s words and the message became clear.

-

'Change the subject…’

-

“I asked for some time off…” Sam shrugged, “most of our case prep work is done over the internet nowadays anyway…”

Some of the senior partners hadn’t been too happy about it if Mr. Roman’s rather passive aggressive “I hope your family matter clears up soon,” was anything to go by.

But none of the other junior partners seemed to mind at all…

-

'Probably glad to have a chance to get ahead and prove themselves…’

'Part of Sam wished he still cared, but lately…’

-

Castiel just nodded noncommittally.

“What about you… the high school?” Sam tried, “you’re a teacher right?, how’s that going without you?”

“There’s a substitute…” Cas said simply.

“Oh…” Sam screamed internally, he thought the man wanted a distraction but now it just felt like trying to keep up a conversation with a brick wall.

“I… already had the last few weeks of lessons planned out and review worksheets written up, so while I can’t be there right now,  my classes should be… prepared.” Castiel muttered suddenly, seeming lost in thought, “That’s… one thing I’ve always prided myself on… being prepared…”

Sam caught the implication but decided not to feed into it.

“it’ll be okay…” Sam said simply.

Castiel blinked at him in confusion, “I know they will, Mr. Wyatt is an excellent substitute teacher.”

-

‘Okay maybe Sam was lost…’

-

He snorted further confusing Castiel.

“What?”

“Nothing…” Sam shook his head, “Jack… he… he told me he misses school.

Castiel blinked in surprise, he opened his mouth to ask something but before he could get the words out there was a knock at the door.

"Delivery,” a voice called.

Jack appeared in the doorway being wheeled in by the nurse Meg with a new violently blue cast on his arm and a sheepish look on his face.

“Jack,” Castiel smiled relieved earning him a nervous smile back from Jack.

He seemed much more stable on his feet than the day before when he climbed gingerly out of the wheelchair as the nurse re-hung the IV bags.

“They’re taking him off the oxygen for now,” the nurse said, her tone seemed considerably nicer now that Jack was awake.

-

'She probably had infinitely more patience for sick kids, than antagonistic asshole family members who just act like children…’

-

“It’s getting easier to breathe now,” Jack said brightly, even though his pronouncement was almost immediately broken up by wheezy coughing.

“That’s um… that’s great Jack,” Castiel said gently eyes still distracted back on the nurse.

'With a pang of amusement, Sam caught Jack carefully peeking at his phone beneath his blanket when he thought his uncle wasn’t watching.’

“So um… was everything alright?” Castiel asked the nurse, trying to keep his voice chipper and upbeat.

She blinked at him sardonically, “Nope, his wrist is definitely fractured.”

Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed, “That’s not what I…”

She interrupted, “I know, but that’s all I really have to tell you, everything else is above my pay grade, you’ll have to wait on the doctor for any more papa bear.”

Castiel gave a frustrated huff glancing back at Jack who quickly dropped the covers back down over his phone and glanced around sheepishly.

-

'If Castiel noticed he didn’t say anything.’

-

“You wanna know my professional opinion on this?” the nurse quickly re-drew both men’s attention.

“I don’t know but I feel like you’re going to give it to me either way…” Castiel sighed.

“I can’t guess at what’s going on with your kid, or whether he’ll keep getting better or worse, I could get the hospital sued and lose my job and all that,” Meg shrugged, glancing back over at Jack who was sitting up in bed and playing with his phone “sneakily” under the covers again.

“But…” her voice softened, “he seems to be having a good day… so I’d say try to take today for what it is… and enjoy it.”

Sam wished her saying that did anything to calm the ripples of anxiousness in his stomach, a feeling that must be like waves breaking on the beach in Castiel…

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Dean wished he could say he changed his mind as soon as Sam walked out of the shop, but it took another day and a half…

He’d finished rebuilding the Cuevas’s Jeep’s engine block, changed a fuel filter on some Uni Kid’s car and an engine coil on another’s before he even looked back at his phone again.

No missed calls, no texts. Either everything was fine or Sam also didn’t want to talk to him.

-

'What else was new.’

-

Either way Dean refused to be the first one to call back. He’d meant what he said and if Sam wanted to act all pissy about it that was his business.

But by the next morning his familiar routine tasted like a Kahlua hangover in the back of his throat.

He was already in a bad mood at eight am when Jesse came to pick up his Jeep from the shop.

“I thought you were going to pick up this hunk of junk yesterday…” Dean scowled hands tucked in his pockets a little defensively.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed…” Jesse sounded bemused waving briefly over his shoulder at his husband waiting with the truck running.

“It would have been nice not to be in a time crunch, yeah…” Dean snorted, pulling out a beer from the mini fridge in the garage’s work area.

“Sorry man,” Jesse shrugged guiltily, “I got a call I couldn’t miss. I thought you said you weren’t busy anyway. Something come up?”

“Brother’s in town,” Dean could feel the man eyeing him concerned as he sipped his morning beer.

“You want one?” Dean offered half sarcastically.

“It’s eight Winchester,” Jesse said flatly.

Dean shrugged.

Jesse sighed pulling out his wallet and fishing out an envelope of cash to pay for the repair, “seriously man what’s eating you, 'cause I’ve met Sam and he doesn’t normally get under your skin like this.”

Dean said nothing just took the money and headed towards the office..

Jesse shook his head looking half amused half irritated following him, “look, me and Cesar are meeting with a few friends at Gabe’s to celebrate tonight, maybe come by if you’re feeling less pissy past nine…”

Dean snorted handing over the cash to the teenager behind the desk, “what are you a fourteen-year-old girl? I’m not 'pissy’.”

“You’re one of the pissiest person I’ve ever met Dean Winchester,” Jesse said with a good-natured smile.

“He’s right, you’re like, super pissy…” Claire remarked flatly counting the cash out into the drawer and not meeting her boss’s glare.

Dean snorted tossing Jesse the Jeep keys, “just try the damn engine already…”

Jesse laughed and Dean followed him out to the car, wanting to remain annoyed but significantly distracted.

“What are you celebrating anyway?” Dean finally asked unable to suppress his admittedly childish curiosity.

“Retirement,” Jesse said simply.

Dean blinked in mild confusion, “dude you’re like 36…”

Jesse grinned infuriatingly and climbed into the Jeep cab, “I know right?”

He let the curiosity eat away at Dean as he revved the engine.

It purred like it was fresh off the line and Dean couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride at the pleased look on the other man’s face.

“Beautiful, man,” Jesse said patting the side of the door.

Before Dean could ask Jesse if he’d won the lottery or something he pointed to Dean and said simply.

“Nine-Thirty, Gabe’s.”

Dean shook his head, “fine, fine.”

The man smiled, gave a brief thumbs up to his husband in the other vehicle and they both drove off leaving Dean to sit with his extremely mild curiosity and confusion.

Dean rolled his eyes and tried to get back to work.

“Pissy my ass…”

He hated feeling like this.

He had his mother who was doing better then she had been in years teaching mythology at the University and his standoffish little brother who came for Christmas. That was his family.

A house that was payed off in full and the shop he inherited from John that he kept running like a well oiled machine. That was his life.

Dean had made mistakes in the past, lost people in the past

-

Who hadn’t?

-

He’d made his peace with that and moved on.

He’d decided long ago that Jack and Castiel had their own sad chapter in the Winchester’s life but it was long over. Their lives were two completely separate stories now…

-

'Dean was sure the kid couldn’t want the fact he was born because some guy made a mistake, got drunk, and cheated on his wife following him around his whole life… Or at least… he’d get that was a bad thing when he was older.’

-

As far as Dean was concerned they were better off forgetting that shitty night ever happened, and he knew forgetting was the right thing to do but people constantly questioning his every decision wasn’t helping.

Sam’s self-righteous huffing and puffing.

Jesse’s… amusement.

Castiel’s confusion over the phone.

-

'Don’t act like you care all of a sudden…’

Things were so much simpler when there was just vague dislike and mistrust between the two of them…

-

Why was he even worried about this? Castiel said the kid was doing better, that should be the end of it.

If Dean saw someone hit by a car he’d try to help, call 911, stay by their side and keep them calm until the ambulance came.

-

'He was a decent man, despite what Sam might think.’

-

What Dean wouldn’t do was follow them around the accident victim for the next six months and bludgeon and prod their family for information and acknowledgment.

-

Jack and Castiel weren’t family.

Not really.

-

Jack was blood sure, but he was blood like a great aunt who lived six states away who nobody talked to for some stupid reason no one remembered, why bring up old shit?

There was too much baggage and bitterness.

Better to leave the great dam of 2000’s infidelity up between Kansas and Indiana as a monument to the shitty past rather than go picking at it and have all the crap pour out.

-

‘Dean felt dangerously close to drowning in that bitterness already.’

-

If Sam wanted to swing an ax at that himself (like the lumberjack in business casual he looked like) Sam could deal with the resulting flood himself.

He repeated the last thought to himself until he finished up for the day, leaving Claire to lock up the building.

He was of half a mind to ignore Jesse’s offer and just head home, but…

-

He didn’t think the empty house would do anything to calm his mind and drinking alone was just sad.

-

“Screw it,” He turned at the first red light and headed towards Gabe’s.

He set his phone to silent and decided to act as if that corner of his life didn’t exist for the evening.

He was spotted as soon as he entered the Gabe’s, Cesar grinning at him and gesturing him over to the little group at the bar.

“Hey Dean, sit, first round’s on us,” Jesse called from around his husband.

It was a little bit to Cheers-y for comfort but Dean didn’t fight it sighing and sidling up to the bar.

“Whiskey, neat…” Dean ordered gruffly.

Gabe poured the whiskey one eyebrow slightly raised, “well you’re awful chipper today Deano.”

“Yeah well I don’t even know what we’re supposed to be celebrating yet so…” Dean toasted in Jesse’s general direction smile not reaching his eyes “What’s the party for?”

“New beginnings,” Jesse smiled lifting up his own glass. “Finally bought the property of our dreams.”

Dean blinked, “yeah? How’d you swing that?”

“Finally sold the old shop…” Cesar said smiling at Jesse proudly.

Dean blinked, feeling a slightly bitter pang of nostalgia. He could remember long summers going out with friends and dates to rent kayaks and buy ice cream from Jesse’s family’s old rental shack by Clinton lake.

“Business finally get that bad?” Dean felt how rude the words were in his mouth and cringed internally, but Jesse just snorted and smiled.

“Just the opposite actually, it’s shaping up to be one of the biggest tourist seasons yet…”

“So… going out on a high then?” Dean took another swig of his whiskey.

“Something like that,” Jesse shrugged.

“The Gallager kid turned 25 and he’s been working there since he was 16, we figured he was probably ready to take over,” Cesar explained.

“Wait time out,“ Gabe cut into the conversation brandishing his bar rag. "Dude hasn’t your family been running that place since most of the people in the old folks home were in diapers the first time?”

“That’s the thing though, it’s always been my family’s thing,” Jesse said diplomatically, “I only actually took over because my brother was gone, my grandpa in fact had some strong opinions on ‘people like me’.” Jesse snorted, “honestly I think I only stayed so long out of spite, that and I promised mom… I always meant to let the place go when I found someone to take care of it. It was never what I dreamed about doing…”

“Sam was the same way, never wanted to work at the shop…" Dean huffed a laugh, “He never could get along with dad… so it would have been fucking weird if he stayed.”

-

John had been angry; not so much at Sam wanting to go his own way but just… how vehemently against staying Sam had been. “You just can’t wait to leave your family behind can you?”

“Don’t you dare, you don’t get to say that to me, not you!” Sam spat back.

-

“Why wallow in the shitty past when you can just move on…” Dean muttered coming back to himself in the bar.

Jesse turned his glass in his hands looking pensive, “Sometimes it felt like that… but no that’s not really it.”

Dean’s eyebrows rose.

Jesse quickly explained, “I mean yeah there was a lot of shit there, but I grew up around that old shack, me and my brother worked there pretty much every summer after we were old enough to see over the counter…”

Dean whiskey tasted ashy in his mouth, he remembered Jesse’s big brother, he’d always been the cool older teen who’d give you an extra half scoop of ice cream when “the boss” wasn’t looking.

-

He’d drowned on a fishing trip with his younger brother when Dean was in junior high…

-

Jesse shrugged continuing where he left off, “why would I let one shithead ruin all of that?”

Dean hummed vaguely still feeling a little lost, “but you’re still giving it up now?”

Jesse nodded glancing toward Cesar, “Don’t get me wrong, if my brother was still alive… if I still had family interested in running the place maybe I wouldn’t've… For a long time I thought that was going to be my whole life.”

Cesar gently squeezed his husband’s hand and Dean felt a pang of emotion he pushed away before he could identify it.

Jesse continued, “But I have a family now and I… I just… can’t live in the past anymore.”

Dean felt more lost than ever, “Makes sense I guess, why literally live in all the painful bullshit when you have something better…”

Cesar blinked at Dean, “seriously dude why so dark?”

Dean bit back the need to find a smarmy way to tell his friends it was none of their damn business, “Just shitty family stuff…”

“Your brother?” Jesse asked.

Dean snorted, “you could say that…” he knocked back the rest of his glass. “I just don’t get that kid anymore…”

“He do something stupid?” Jesse asked.

“He’s an adult, he can do what he wants,” Dean snorted and tried to get Gabe’s attention for a second whiskey, “It’s not like we really even talk much anymore, who am I to keep him from shoving his foot up his own ass…”

“Yeah, that’s real convincing…” Jesse shook his head bemused.

Dean hurumphed and muttered a thanks to Gabe who finally came over.

“Are you two still on the same crap from a few days ago?” Gabe asked pouring the second glass.

Jesse and Cesar’s ears perked up and even Gabe’s weird brother Gadreel was watching him from across the room. Dean wondered darkly if there was any privacy left in this town.

“Yeah my own, personal, crap,” Dean said pointedly.

Gabe held up his hands in mock surrender, “okay, okay, fine, don’t talk about it, it’s just seems like whatever "it” is seems to be eating you an awful lot…"

“Yeah well Sam has that effect, he does dumb shit and you worry about him, over and over until it’s just too much and…” Dean wrapped his knuckles on the table, “maybe you have it right and it’s time to cut him loose, move on…”

Jesse pulled a face, “that’s not what I meant at all…”

“Yeah well then what do you mean, because I’m getting tired of guessing,” Dean barked.

Jesse had the courtesy not to smirk at him.

“My point is… I don’t really know Sammy haven’t seen him since he was sixteen but… make sure shutting him out is what you really want, and not just some petty shit.”

It dug like a knife in Dean’s gut, “You’re right you don’t know shit…” Dean muttered taking a swig from his glass…

Jesse smiled more than a little forlornly, “all I do know is, having lost him, if I had a second chance with my brother…” he trailed off, “Make absolutely sure you’re ready to give up your chances at this future, when you’re planning on leaving behind your past…”

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Oof, sorry it took me so long to get back, it’s been a crazy few months and it’s been a struggle to get back to my usual writing routine with everything going on. Hopefully, things will be better now.