#ok thiissss is last post

[wiltingretrospect]

wtf/aff

[macchiahoe]

uhhhh

So I guess before I start on my rant I’m just gonna give y’all some reading questions to think about (and seriously let me know how you feel because idk how to interpret this situation) and those are  1) am i being emotionally manipulative in this context?? 2)....any other concerns you have or want to point out.  Ok. So with those questions in mind, I’m going to explain my day today. For any of you guys reading, I would assume that you’ve probably read my previous personal posts, but if you have not, I’ll give a brief background. Broke up with my ex in January. She’s already moved on in less than a month. For this topic specifically, we both are involved in GSA (since she’s a lesbian, and im a queer trans man).  I’ve been wanting to get involved in GSA again, since I wasn’t really interested when I was dating my ex, and I also need something to occupy my time now, and I need socialization because talking to people online and through text can only do so much. However, my ex, also wants to get involved in GSA again as well. Which is absolutely fine!! Her partner is also involved in GSA, so that gives her a motive to go as much as she can.  However, I feel unbearably anxious when I see my ex and her partner, so I don’t really want to go to GSA if I know that I’ll see them there. And I don’t want to make them feel as if they can’t go there but heres where “the twist” comes in  I’ve talked to my ex before about creating a compromise. I mentioned to her that I want to also be involved in this club, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her there. I brought up that in general, I think it would be in our best interests if we could both go to the club and not have to see each other, which is why I proposed the idea of us alternating which weeks we go. It sucks, because both of us want to go as much as we can, but I just want to feel safe whenever I go there and not feel as if I’m going to throw up just because I see my ex. Alternatively, my ex and her partner have a lot of negative feelings about me, and they should be able to enjoy their time there, and I’ve tried to express this to my ex.  This comes into the conversation that I’ve had today with my ex. I really wanted to go to the meeting last night, because it was discourse night and I love hearing that good ol tea. I didn’t go however, because I told my ex that I wouldn’t, and I respected the compromise that I thought we had agreed upon. So I went to the gym instead, and did something else productive with my time. Early today I sent her a message hoping that she had a good time, and if it was alright if I went to the next meeting.  She said that yes, it was ok if I went, and then didn’t respond for a while. I mentioned that perhaps her and her partner can do something exciting since it’s valentines day, and since i thought we had agreed on the compromise, that would mean that they werent going. However, she said that their plans were for the day were to go to that meeting. I was taken aback, because I thought we had already established our compromise and that would mean that I could not feel anxious about going next week.  Thiissss is where things went south fast. I brought up the fact that we had made a compromise and my ex said that we had only thought about it. Perhaps we had. But I brought up the fact that we couldn’t even manage to walk past each other or have a kind textual conversation, so what would happen if we were in the same physical space as each other? I asked her if we could just keep the compromise we talked about because I want to be a part of this club and not feel anxious (anymore than I have to bc social anxiety) while im there. And because of this, she felt like I was trying to disconnect her from her friends already in that room and the club in general.  She mentioned how we wouldn’t even have to talk to each other, which I would do if she was there anyways, but she kept dismissing the main fact that I dont want her there because I feel extremely anxious and we’re both not ready to see each other anymore than we can help it....so why not help it??? I mentioned that I felt like she kept on dismissing my feelings about the problem. I said that perhaps I was being lowkey manipulative and she said, “if you know you are then why don’t you stop doing it?” and I wasn’t intentionally trying to be rude by trying to prioritize my feelings in this relationship for once but i guess i had! I mentioned that one of the ways for me to move on was to actually get involved in other things such as clubs, and it would mean a lot to me if i could go to this club, even if every other week. I raised the question if she would actually want to see me at this club, since she was deadset on going whenever she wanted. She said that she would be fine with it, since she has emotional support, and then asked for my feelings. I gave my feelings since she asked for them, and said that I would much rather not see her, because I don’t have any emotional support and I don’t have anyone there to rely on if things go south for me, whereas she can turn to her partner, or her close friends there.  She didn’t respond to those remarks for a long time. I guess making her realize that she has way more support than me made her feel like i was being manipulative when i was really just asking her to try to consider how i felt? because my ex has been my main source of support for two years and i really really really really dont want to talk to her more than i have to but i can’t turn to other people unless i actually can make friends, and i can only personally do that in an environment that im comfortable, this my given case, one that happens to be ex free.  I told her that I apologize for being defensive, coming across as nonempathetic, and trying to isolate her from this space. I acknowledged her feelings of anger, tiredness, bitterness, her lack of sympathy, and a bunch of other things I could tell she was feeling. I simply asked if she could acknowledge my feelings as well, because despite trying to explain my stance repeatedly, she continually turned me down, and made rude remarks about me.  My ex said that she was trying to be sympathetic, but she doesn’t know how to make the overall situation better. I again, brought up the idea of the compromise that we had discussed so. many. times. before. I asked if she had another potential solution, since she had been so distasteful towards it.  She said that she didn’t know how we could both be involved in the same club, if we couldn’t be there at the same time and I just...brought up the compromise because while we will both be involved less often, which sucks for both of us, because i know we would all prefer to go weekly, it allows for us not to have to worry about each other in the space and to just be comfortable for that week. I tried giving advice that they could do alternative events on their off nights, such as spending their time together doing something else (like a date night or something), or spend time with their other friends to try to distract them from the fact that they’re missing out on something, by filling their time with something else.  My ex said that she already decided that she and her partner wouldnt go next week, so she was annoyed that I kept pressing the issue. I apologized and mentioned that I was sincerely just trying to give some advice. I feel like the way I worded a lot of my phrases was lowkey manipulative, but my ex didn’t take a lot of what i was saying into account as well so...?? Was I being irrational for trying to create some kind of compromise between us? I mean....it’s a compromise, its not what either of us ideally want, but it’s what is fair for both of us. Did I emotionally force my ex (and potentially her partner) out of a space she should feel safe in? I feel like I was just trying to be rational and explain my feelings and motives, but my ex wasn’t being cooperative throughout the process, and continually dismissed my feelings.  SIGH