#ok time to fucking sleEP now skdgsks

[theboy-thebitch-thelegend]

so in case you were wondering why i'm in such a good mood

tonight i had a conversation with my dad, and basically, it went like this-

"... it's just, with what Mama expects of me, she always has these grand plans for me for the future, and, you know- it's just- it's just not going to happen. I mean- well what I mean is, well you know, she always says, I'll find a husband, settle down, have a bunch of kids- it's. I'm not- it's just not... going to happen... you know?"

We were in the car, he was driving me to a friend's house, and with my going away coming up soon, naturally future plans and expectations had come up. Earlier that day, my mother had indeed made such remarks. With the stressful day I had at work, I was near on the verge of a breakdown about it.

As some of you may know, for the past couple weeks or so, I've been suspecting my father might be a little more supportive of my queerness than I'd first thought.

(To be fair, though, that bar was set quite low. I didn't expect support at all...)

"Well, ya never know, it could..." he said somewhat hesitantly- this is in regards to my settling down with a husband, and all that. He sort of gave me a sideways glance as he said it.

'eh, what the fuck, just go for it' I thought.

"Dad... it's... it's not." I looked right at him as I said it. "Do you- do you know what I'm...?"

".... I hear you. I know what you mean."

I just looked down at my hands. I know it's not something to apologise for, but, I didn't know what else to say.

"I'm sorry..."

"No- don't be. It's alright with me."

what the fuck. what. the fuck. what the literal actual fu-

"Well, go have fun with your friends," he said, and he was smiling. Like genuinely smiling. What the fuck.

Oh, and we had arrived. But I couldn't move from my seat just yet.

"But- I mean- do you really? What- "

"I do. And I mean it."

"Just... don't tell...?"

"I won't tell her about any of this, don't worry. Now go have fun."

-------

He picked me up later, and soon enough he brought it up again. I would've been content to leave it at that, but I certainly wasn't opposed if he wanted to explain himself further.

And he did- he says he just wants me to be happy- and stay out of jail, stay in school, get a good job and all that, etc. etc.

I don't quite understand... but... as long as you're happy...

I know what Scripture says, what the pastor's said... but I know there's a lot of debate about it too...

Your mother, she... I told her not to go so hard on you about it...

well she didn't listen, I told him.

I know... just... look, before you do commit, to anyone, a boy or... not: just, make sure it's something you want, yah? Make sure, it's someone you want to spend your life with, someone you can be honest with, someone who won't try to change who you are-

-and I won't try to change you either. I'm not good at talks like this, heart to heart or whatever... but... I'm here for you.

Then he went off again into what I suppose is the usual "don't fuck your life up" speech that parents/parental figures usually give you at this time of life. And that actually meant a lot to me, that it was just one part of the larger conversation.

He said, he's been meaning to tell me, before I left, and not just sure how. And that he's not blind, he's known for years. I told him I knew he knew, and I knew he just didn't want to start the conversation. He said I got that right, lol.

He said, my mother knew, but she didn't want to admit it. Some people only see what they want to see.

He said, he will consider to be family, anyone I choose to be my family, and he won't allow my mother to turn them away (as long as they're not a murderer, or something like that. And a good paying job wouldn't hurt, too)

He said, he may not entirely agree, but it's not up to him to decide that for me.

He said, he won't bring it up. It's not worth the fight. But his silence is an accepting silence, not a hostile silence. Maybe with time and distance my mother will come around to it, maybe not. But it is what it is.

----------

I am so fucking happy, I can't even tell you. I really never in my wildest dreams dared to hope for this. Even one parent out of two, and even not a perfect acceptance, I'll take it. I will fucking take it. I'm sure there are people who would say, oh, try to explain it to him more, now that you have this; try to make him understand. But I'll take this just as it is.

Maybe someday, maybe not. I genuinely don't give a shit whether he- or mama- understands- and even if it'll never be perfect, even if they as a unit won't be involved in my life much, at least I won't be shunned. Was it a little patriarchal, his whole, "this is my family, I won't let her say who isn't welcome" I mean... yeah maybe. But it's not any surprise, and hey, I'll fucking take it.