#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep

[exopelagic]

auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr

[sinisterlyhan]

01. seo changbin ; 2chan / 5606 words

against the wall, dom!changbin (-ish), oral (m receiving), unprotected sex, blindfolds, seven minutes in heaven but like with a twist, female reader

parts: 01 ; 02

a/n: hmm, not extremely fond of this but that’s okay 😭

it did not take much convincing for you to agree with being dragged to a house party on a busy friday night.

it has been a long, dreadful week of being assigned new deadlines and lazy colleagues, your best friend suggested that you get away from life for a little, and you agreed.

however, it did take him a whole lot of convincing to do before you agreed on joining a group of strangers—his friends, not yours—in a game of spin the bottle, one that would directly lead to the famous sex-trap called 'seven minutes in heaven.'

except it wasn't just seven minutes in heaven, it was "we won't let you two out until we hear something rumbling inside, okay?" heaven. and when you asked about the morality of such a game, the only explanation chan gave you was, "don't worry, we're all getting blindfolded so even if it gets embarrassing in there, only the people waiting outside will know, and we've all sworn to secrecy!"

"right! wow! as if that makes everything better?" you hissed to the side, glaring to the side when the group whistled and roared at a particularly pitchy squeal coming from inside the closet. you frowned, your eyes shifting to the locked wooden door. "why would you even lend your closet out to do shit like this?"

"minho can be a bit of a freak," chan said with a little shrug. when he saw your confused expression, he turned your head to the side by poking at your cheek and pointed at a man. "that one is minho–"

"i know who minho is, we all know who minho is!" you smacked his hand away, slightly annoyed that he didn't think you'd at least know the student who swept the grand price during last year's talent show without—or so he claimed—a lick of preparation.

he was popular in his department before that as well. smart, fun, good-looking, rich, and now he even dances! how fantastic; you didn't believe in god but you would still blame her for having favorites just because lee minho exists.

he looked as good as you have briefly seen him be, but this time with blushed cheeks and a constant goofy smile. he was clearly drunk; drunk enough to be crossed off the game but not drunk enough to not enjoy the obnoxious noises sounding from his guest room's closet, mixing with the loud music playing from downstairs.

"hey, you don't have to play if you don't want to," chan said after seeing your attitude. he glanced behind him at the empty bed and gestured towards it. "you can sit back, get drunk, and maybe sleep. i'll wake you up and take you home when it's over."

you licked your lower lip, your mind suddenly being flooded with the intense sound coming from behind the closed door. god, it was awkward to faintly hear someone else's intimate session, but it was even more infuriating to hear the rattling of hangers and bumping of walls because of how much it made you yearn for it.

when was the last time you had sex again? it didn’t really matter, did it? it was just a fling. it wasn’t uncomfortable but it wasn’t decent either. you’ve probably given yourself better orgasm than whoever that man was so there was no point in keeping the encounter in your head.

"you know i won't, chan," you mumbled under your breath as you watched the group return back to their incoherent card game. "i haven't had sex in months and fuck, i can't live on just using my damn vibrator."

you just needed to be fucked by someone, preferably someone who knows what they’re doing.

“woah, why didn’t you tell me about it?” chan asked, raising a brow curiously.

you pulled a face, not looking at him but instead glanced around the circle to look for a suitable candidate for your little closet rendezvous. “why would i tell you that? i’m not going to beg you to have sex with me.”

“i didn’t say you have to beg for it, although that does sound like something that’s up my alley,” he teased with a breathy giggle. “just thought i could have helped.”

you sucked in a breath, your mind wavering. chan—ahh, chan. you’ve moaned his name before, once or twice under a dark room and behind closed doors. how could you not? broad shoulders, strong arms, big chest; kind, reliable, caring—he had always given you soft, dominant vibes, and you had submitted yourself to him in your imagination.

just your imagination, of course, never in real life. he was way too out of your league, much like all of his friends in this game circle.

there was minho, whom you’ve bumped into a few times in the halls but never talked to.

sitting next to him with long blond hair was hwang hyunjin, a freshman who was rumored to go for older buddies, who appeared to also dance really well, and you’ve heard around the corners of this party to be very good with his tongue, however you’d like to take that information.

shifting downward—black shirt with bulging biceps and visible chest, comfortable sweats with the outline of his thick thighs hidden underneath. that was seo changbin. if you had to pick who you were more friendly with among chan’s attractive friend group, changbin would be your top pick. you two weren’t close, having only talked to each other out of the obligations of classes, but at least you two have talked to each other before.

“hey! you! keep your head down, we’re picking!”

you snapped out of your thoughts when chan pressed your head down so you faced the ground. you grumbled in annoyance, hitting his arm away and hearing him giggle before the room went silent besides the loud music.

you could hear minho’s clumsy footsteps walking around, trying to find his next two targets. every time he approached your area, you could feel the hair at your neck stand in anticipation, but your mind would try to fend against the excitement and hammer your chest with a slight hint of fear, making you both wanting to be picked and didn’t want to be noticed.

the good side was that you might finally have sex. the bad side was that (a) you wouldn’t know who you were gonna be doing it with, and (b) everyone in the circle was more attractive than you, and you would be putting people at a disadvantage that they might have to have sex with you.

you suppressed a gasp when minho stopped behind you and gently tied a silk scarf around your head. it did not have too full of a coverage unlike what you had expected. somehow you thought minho would have better blindfolds than whatever it was he wrapped around your eyes. but you could still faintly see the blurs of the outside world if you squint hard enough.

he giggled when you stumbled to stand up, seemingly able to sense your nervousness but he has definitely mistaken it to be the anxiety of not knowing where he was bringing you toward instead of the fact that you were literally picked to get it on with a stranger in an even stranger location.

he guided you around a space, possibly around the group of unpicked people seated on the ground  before he stopped. you felt his body move behind you, gesturing toward somebody else before he then leaned close to your ear to whisper, “oh, you are going to enjoy this one. he is good.”

alright, your possibility wasn’t narrowed down by a lot but at least you knew you would be fucking a man in his closet.

footsteps shuffled towards you and stopped. you could feel a presence next to you now that you were forced to pay more attention to your other senses, and before you had much time to think about who the person could you, both of you were shoved into the closer. the door slammed behind you both with minho’s obnoxious laughter, the last visible ray of light going off when the door was sealed and locked.

the room was dark and almost quiet. you could still hear the music from outside and the soft breathing of your partner, but you suspected that was only because you were rid of your sight, and therefore, your attention needed to divert itself to somewhere else. the room was completely dark, though, and if you were able to faintly see something before, you could not see a single thing now.

changbin licked his lower lip at the silence. he looked around despite the blackness and he was completely unsure of what he should do.

he never planned to join this stupid game until minho proposed that they play a mini-game between the four of them, or the three of them now that minho was out of the race. the mini-game was just your typical race game—whoever sounded like they had the best sex wins, or whoever can make their partner scream the loudest would win. three hundred dollars for the winner, one hundred from each of them.

there was that. he was okay with that, both for the money and for the sex since he was lacking in—and greedy for—both, frankly speaking. however, changbin didn’t plan to act on it unless he could make sure his partner was on the same page with him.

he wouldn’t tell them about the game, nor would he try and cheat his way to the top because of how sensitive minho was to sounds, especially lewd ones, jeez.

therefore, he planned to just make sure he had the green light before he would make a move, but that was the problem: how was he supposed to just ask for permission without feeling awkward about not seeing each other?

mustering up the courage, he took a big step forward and reached his hand out in hopes to feel his surroundings and access where his partner was. but immediately, almost as if the gods have heard his concern, his palm was met with a soft, plump surface and his ears were met with a surprised yelp.

changbin took a small step back, startled. “oh shit–i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to–well, actually, i did mean to do that but not in that way,” he said, fumbling about with his hands in the air before he held them to his chest with a pout of embarrassment.

you were stunned on your spot when you hard his voice. your hand was pressed against your breast, the one that was accidentally cupped a moment ago, and heat grew along your neck like vines upon the realization that not only did your partner actually planned to get it going in the closet, he wasn’t just anybody in the circle.

your partner was seo changbin. big arms, big thighs, big chest, gorgeous seo changbin, who minho told you was good at this.

“it’s fine,” you mumbled, trying to find your way back to him because despite your logic screaming at you to stand on your moral ground and not hook up with an almost stranger, you still wanted to be felt up, you wanted to be kissed, and oh god, you wanted to be fucked so badly.

“wait, so you… you’re okay with this?” changbin asked after hearing your mumble. his head moved around, cranking his neck to look at all directions when he heard the shuffling of your feet.

“don’t you think i would have left already if i have a problem with this?” you laughed, slowly advancing with both arms out, your fingers wriggling in a grabby motion.

the closet was small, yet somehow you two seemed to keep missing each other by an inch. it was until your arm casually swiped to the side when you finally found him, your hand hitting the back of changbin’s neck with a harsh jab. a small groan of pain left him as he turned around and quickly grabbed onto your wrist, pulling you closer to him in one swift motion before you lose each other again.

“point taken,” changbin whispered, leaning his face close but stopping just when he felt like his lips were about to touch your skin.

you felt his breath on your face, overwhelmingly hot and close. his hands had steadied your posture before they roamed down to your waist, feeling your curve up before resting on your sides. when you replied to him with silence, changbin took it as a cue to make a move, and he did so quickly by dipping his head down in hopes to find your lips.

you let out a faint, purse-lipped moan when his nose nudged against your jaw and his full lips found your neck instead. hearing your little sound of agreement, the cloud of doubt vanished quickly in his head and he finally got himself the motivation to keep going with his advances. he planted a trail of kisses down your neck before he found himself a spot to suck out a hickey.

you gasped, feeling the tingle of pain from his teeth, but you relaxed quickly when his tongue flicked over the spot to soothe out the sensation. you pouted a little then, wanting more than feeling his plump lips on your neck, so you tilted your head and leaned down to nudge your cheek with his. you pushed him just enough for him to perk his head up, and navigating solely by imagination, you pressed your lips to any surface you could find.

it was his cheek first, and it was the side of his nose, then you could feel the tip of his nose and down to his cupid’s bow. it was messy yet there was a sort of appeal in your clumsily leaving wet kisses around his face, changbin thought. and when you finally made it to his lips, it felt none other than worth it.

his tasted of faint alcohol and he smelt a little bit of smoke. you didn’t particularly hate it, and even if you did, it wasn’t like you could stop yourself from kissing him; your lips, on the other hand, tasted of cherry chapsticks and fruit punch, sugary and sweet in a way that only made changbin wanted more.

and he shamelessly looked for more, moving from kissing your lips to smooching your skin. everything changbin did to you had left you with a shaky exhale and a tremor in your heart. besides him, the blindfold was also doing absolute wonders to your senses. not only was it new and unfamiliar in the most exhilarating way, but it also forced you to rely on your other senses completely. you had to feel, hear, and smell everything he was doing to you.

the way his fingers squeezed at your waist, the way his lips turned upwards whenever you breathed out a content moan, the way his chest heaved against yours as you two started to pant at the lack of oxygen, his deep and sultry voice when he groaned, the way his hand occasionally moved down to your ass and—a gasp!

you held tightly onto his arms as your eyes widened at the feeling of his hard-on against the front of your pants. his palm pushed against your ass, bringing you towards him every time he grind against you mindlessly to feel more friction under his sweats, his moans being suffocated by your mouth as you continued to reciprocate the heated kiss that kept getting messier and messier by the second.

you were stumbling back at the force, your knees stuttering weakly at the exciting feeling of his clothed cock rubbing against the wet patch growing on under your denim pants. fuck, you could feel him, like really feel him. you hissed every time his tip poked against your clothed clit and whenever his shaft pressed against your slit. it was thorough, hard, and slow; it almost felt like you could guess his length and his girth just from the way he was dry humping against you.

it wasn’t long before your back hit something. a wall? a door? you didn’t really care, you just knew you wanted seo changbin, in whichever way possible, be it having him in your hands, your mouth, or between your legs. you just wanted to feel him, so after letting him pin you to the wall and kiss you with that fervent energy you prayed to god would stay until he was finished with you, you pulled away.

it was a swift movement, changbin wasn’t even able to comprehend what was happening. a quick whine huffed past his lips at the loss of your warmth before you turned him around and pushed him to the door. he let you, feeling both the faint ache on his back from brushing against the doorknob and the sweetness of your lips when you started to kiss him again.

as he planned to re-establish his dominance in this dark, dark closet, you got him wrapped around your fingertips again by moving your hand downwards and palming his member. he bit your lower lip, his hand gripping your waist to pull you closer. “fuck, stop teasing me–mmm,” he grumbled under his breath after pulling away, a hefty moan leaving his lips when you grabbed his length and stroked it through the fabric.

“you need to learn how to be patient.” you giggled as you took a step back so you could kneel before him, your hands sliding down his frame to steady yourself as you did so.

your hands moved to the waistband of his sweats before you pulled it down carefully, letting it drop to the ground with an inaudible thud. you thought this would be bad, in a sense that this might be a little awkward for you since you couldn’t exactly tell where anything was. everything you did was a blind assumption, from you running your hands up this bare thighs to fumbling around looking for the waist of his boxers.

but it wasn’t bad, it had turned out to be the exact opposite.

you were excited, both from being able to do such filthy act after a long dry spell and from the fact that you were about to suck changbin off out of everybody. he wasn’t just any random person in the party, he was the man who you’ve occasionally stared at during boring lectures, the man who you would never admit to ever having midnight fantasies about, the man who would probably never consider you to be a suitable partner if he could see clearly with his eyes.

he’s seo changbin.

“oh! oops, okay,” you whispered under your breath after the surprised yelp. you had miscalculated the proximity of your face to his body and the second you brought his boxers down to his ankles, his cock had flung out and brushed across your chin energetically.

bringing your hand back up to his skin, rubbing along his inner thighs before they finally made their way to his groin. your hands fumbled, delicate fingers curling around the base of his dick and hearing him hiss from above you. changbin was being impatient, as he had appeared to be for the past minute, and the second he felt the skin-to-skin contact, he tried to thrust forward into your hand for any type of movement.

fuck, how he wished he could see you right now, whoever you were. but, as much as he would kill to see your plump lips around his cock, the blindfold was serving him phenomenally. he wouldn’t switch it for the world, it seemed; he could feel it all vividly, the blood rushing to his leaking tip as you pumped it a few times, the slight graze of your nails where your fingers met each other at the end a god-sent sensation to him.

and when you eventually gave in and wrapped your lips around the sensitive bud, the softness of your tongue etching to his cock like a sharp needle to a piece of delicate fabric—poking his senses, sending tingles through his body, leaving his mind aching for more.

you bobbed your head forward and back, your eyes shut blind to taste the bitterness of his pre-cum and to drown in the suffocating feeling of his shaft poking your throat as you took all of him in your mouth. his hand flew to your hair, clutching a fistful of them and pulling at your scalp to keep you moving; you whined at the pain, he moaned at the stimulation. your hands rubbed along his flexed muscles, squeezing them greedily.

it was an array of sensations, both touch and sound, twisting and turning in your brain that you could barely catch up. but it was exactly the overwhelming rush of it that made you enjoy it so much.

“ahh, fuck, fuck–“ changbin cried out, his movement on your head stuttering when he felt his cock twitching inside your mouth.

and while it would be a dream to release in your mouth, he knew you both didn’t have as much time as he would hope. sooner or later someone impatient for their turn would come banging on the door. with that thought in mind, he quickly pulled out of you and pulled you up by cupping his hand at the back of your neck. navigating with his grip, he brought you to his face to kiss you, faintly tasting himself on your tongue and absolutely loving the taste of it.

he turned you around and slammed you against the door, apologizing with a quiet mutter when you groaned in pain. not that you quite minded the hammering in your head when his hands were busy fumbling with the zipper of your pants just to pull it off. and changbin wasted no time to press his fingers against your clothed heat, his finger sticking into your hole along with the fabric to make the wet patch even wetter and stickier.

“shit–are you gonna fuck me or not?” you asked, bucking your hips into his fingers as your chest jumped with each limited pump of his fingers, annoyed that his movement was held back by your panties.

“you need to learn how to be patient, baby.” changbin smirked as he mumbled down your neck, finally pulling his fingers away so he could tug your panties to the side and fully insert his digit inside. his smirk widened when you moaned, one leg moving up in instinctive response. his hand caught your thigh in time, and he brought it around his hip to move closer to you. his positioned himself at your entrance, lathering up the leaking essence before he teasingly poked the tip inside a little.

you whined when he stopped moving, your hands gripping his arms urgently as you let out soft needy whispers. changbin could feel you pull him towards you, a sign that you were still comfortable with this and you were not patient enough to wait for him to enter. neither was he patient enough to stall around, really. just the mere feeling of your wetness around his tip was driving him over the edge. he had only stopped in hopes to make sure you were okay, and it seemed that you were enthusiastic about this.

you held your breath when he pushed himself into you, his girth giving you an amazing stretch. you couldn’t be bother being surprised when he suddenly slammed a hand next to your head, his broad chest pressing up against yours as he got lost in the feeling of your tightness. a hiss sounded around your ear, changbin’s hand reaching down to push you against the wall to keep your in place before they quickly moved down to your thigh.

“up,” he commanded in a whisper.

you hopped as he told you to and he bent down to catch your legs in his arms. he pushed your back further against the door at the new position, feeling the back of your feet nudging at his side and your arms closing in around his neck. you brought his face close to yours, messily meeting his cheeks and his nose before your lips found each other again.

skin slapped against each other hotly as changbin rolled his hips into yours then, pressing your bones up against the concrete and pushing you upwards with each desperate thrust, all the while you clenched yourself around him as the soreness built up beneath your hips.

you kissed down his jaw then, returning the favor as much as you could by planting harsh kisses along his neck and his exposed shoulders. you bit onto his collarbone to leave a mark, earning a groan and a squeeze on your thigh from him. he unconsciously started to thrust harder upon the pleasurable trails you were leaving on his skin, finding the mixture of your hot breaths and the squelching sounds a very special kind of motivation for him to keep going harder.

“oh–fuck–right there, changbin!” you shamelessly screamed when his tip punctured through your sweet spot. your reaction was strong as the unexpected pleasure flew through your veins, your attention directing towards the movement down below.

and changbin could tell he found your g-spot just by the way your walls suddenly squeezed around him, the sensation so wavering and euphoric that he could barely respond to the abrupt idea that you knew who he was. not to mention how triumphant it made him feel to hear you scream his name, the ego-boost straight to his chest when he imagined the people outside listening to his name being rambled lewdly again and again.

“you like it here, hmm?” he grunted close to your face. he wasn’t sure where, but he could feel your breath closely against his so he assumed if he leaned a little closer he’d touch your mouth. 

when he received no response from you, he pushed himself into you and shoved you against the door with a strong crash, his hand moving from your thigh when you were trapped tight between the door and his body to grip your jaw.

the slam buried his cock deep inside your cunt, the rough thrust making you whine out louder than when he suddenly stopped to grab your face in his hand. he huffed teasingly down your neck, the tip of his nose brushing past the hair of your skin before he stopped.

“i asked you a question, bitch,” he said through gritted teeth, the vibration of his growling voice slicing through your skin and making you whimper. “if you want it there, you better fucking beg for it.”

god, this discovery was like a revelation. it was a side of him you have never seen before since he had always been rather soft-spoken when you talked to him. but somehow you have always imagined changbin to be one to act rough during sex, mostly due to your preferences in a sexual partner. and damn, has he surprised you with this, both his stamina and his strength and, oh, his cock.

everything about him was absolutely heavenly, and you will beg for it, the same way you’ve been asking for it in your own time before.

“plea–“ a whimper cut you off when he faintly pulled out and shoved back into you sharply. pants got mixed in with your words as you squeezed your eyes shut, the joyous pain of his hand gripping your skin and the hot pouring liquid gathering in your abdomen overpowering your senses. you needed him to move, you needed changbin to help you chase your long-awaited release. “please fuck me, changbin, please.”

there was silence in the closet. the only sound reverberating through his ears were you panting out his name and asking him to wreak you up against the closet door, your voice dripping with the taste of velvet wine, hoarse from the whines and dreamy from the kisses. those were all the words changbin needed for his confidence to fly off the rails and off to space; it had no plan to get back down until he finishes both of you off.

you got pushed up against the door, your back scratching against the wall as changbin started to pound into you. you grabbed onto his arms to steady yourself at the force, not forgetting to tilt your head to give him access to your neck. his lips pressed against your skin and his cock rubbing against your walls—it was good, too good.

this was a hook-up you would be thinking about for a really long time until someone better comes along and wrecks his standards for you, and really, you doubt that man would come along anytime sooner to take changbin’s crown.

“changbin–changbin–shit, changbin–“

oh god, has he fucked you dumb? you couldn’t say anything else other than his name! his lips quirked up at that, finding it almost hilarious how with each puncture of his hips, your voice magnifies a little with his name hanging off your tongue.

“aww, i know.” he faked a pout, picking up his pace and ramming into your sweet spot. “be a good girl and come for me, hmm?”

perhaps it was the lack of daily compliments you receive from people, but something about him calling you a ‘good girl’ just got your heart all shivered up, and the rather tender soft but dirty command got you coming undone around his dick with a final cry of his name, the sticky liquid slipping through your hole and dripping out through the gaps.

changbin groaned under his breath, feeling his movement falter gradually as he continued to thrust into you to chase his own high. his hands found your face before he could lose his head and he leaned close to you, his voice soft when he asked, “can i finish off inside you?”

you heaved a sigh, wanting to retort with a witty reply but also finding it so appealing to have his cum all warm and stuffed up inside your pussy. you gave him a faint nod, closing your arms around his frame. “yes, please.”

you didn’t have to ask him so politely like that but changbin wasn’t complaining about it. with one final push, the friction sent him over the edge and he released himself inside you. a long, heavy exhale left his lips then, his head thrown back when he was finally able to relieve himself of the tension cooped up at the tip.

for a moment after everything was done, it was just the warmth shared between the two of you and the heavy breathes that resonated among the air. the tingling sensation of your essence dripping down your cunt gave you was almost ticklish, and the hot skin of changbin’s biceps a handle you never wanted to let go of. your legs were shaking slightly from the aftermath, and changbin was running his thumb in a circular motion to soothe you down as best as he could.

“that… wow,” you said, a small huff of laughter bubbling up your lips.

“thank you,” he mumbled with a smile. “you weren’t so bad yourself… with the blowjob, if you know what i mean.”

“thank you.” you giggled. “and you’re welcome.”

changbin scoffed a little as he put you down on the ground. as if on cue, someone from outside banged on the door, and minho’s voice rang through with a threat to expose your naked bodies if you two don’t head back outside. you and changbin immediately scrambled for your pants, laughing slightly when he threw a mindless insult at his friend.

“okay, there we go.” you zipped up your pants and slowly made your way towards the door. but before you could give it a knock for the people outside to release you, changbin stopped you by putting a hand on the small of your back and moving close to you.

“hold on,” he said in faint disbelief, a hint of urgency in his voice when he felt your presence ready to leave his side. “you’re not walking out of here without telling me your name, are you?”

ah, you almost forgot about your hidden identity. pursing your lips, you contemplated the idea of revealing yourself to him. the whole reason why this encounter managed to happen so smoothly was because of the blindfold hiding you from him; what if he didn’t like you after realizing that you were just some plain jane in a few of his classes? would you be able to hand that kind of humiliation and disappointment?

the way it hit you so quickly, all of a sudden, that the man standing in front of you was still seo changbin, someone far too out of your league.

“you…” you licked your lower lip with an inhale, then you knocked on the door. “you don’t need to know my name.”

oh, but changbin does. he wasn’t exactly sure why he was so hung up on you. what he planned to just be a one-time encounter had manifested into something bigger, his chest storing up the longing for an unknown person through the sugary kisses you’ve left on his lips and the sweet tightness you’ve engulfed around his cock.

changbin has to know your name, and he planned to find out.

[buildingcastlesintheair-blog1]

Sincerely Me

So, I needed an outlet. And, whatever kind of stick Tumblr gets, it’s free. And I’m a broke student, that’s my aesthetic this decade. I’m not writing this for anyone but my own buzzing, confused, boiling over thoughts. Cause if I don’t lay it all out here, then it’ll come out in some other form and that generally leads to me ugly cry at 3 am after isolating myself even more than I already have. 

I’m not expecting anyone to read this. I don’t know if I do. There’s probably a way I could private this. But maybe I do want someone to read this. Maybe I’m desperate for some form of attention. Wow, I am really painting myself as a solid person right now. Right now, the general feeling inhabiting me is I want people there and yet, I want isolation. It’s like, I want to know they’re there if I need them but I want my solitude as well. I think I’ve been that way since I was a kid. I couldn’t sleep if I knew everyone else in the house was asleep before me. I’m not sure where that irrational fear came from but it was just one on a list. 

That’s not to say I didn’t have a happy childhood. I’m getting nostalgic these for it. Or for the lack of thinking and lack of responsibility as well. It’s all on me now. Or it feels that way. I don’t have someone reliable I can fall back on if it all blows up in my face. I’ve imagined myself in an Alice in Wonderland scenario, when she initially falls down the rabbit hole and is just falling and falling. Except she slows down. I feel like I’m speeding up. I see all these ledges and every person who had some key aspect in my life, some adult I was suppose to rely on, family members, friends, they all stand there. And each time my trust with them is shattered, they vanish. I can’t hold onto any ledge for long, the pull to fall is too great. Sometimes they unpick my fingers to send me falling again. Sometimes there just isn’t room on the ledge for me.

I feel like everyone has that person in their life. That solid, dependable person you know has your back and genuinely cares about you and cares about your well being. Unconditional love. I don’t have that anymore I fear. Got no parents, so not getting it that way. Only knew my moms family and they all have their own issues and they’re all basically strangers. My mom made sure to distance herself and me and my sister from them. A lot of people in that family are toxic and I honestly am not sure I want them in my life. Which in turn causes me to feel like crap because they’re family. I’m suppose to love them. But I’m as much a stranger to them as they are to me. I have grandparents. They love me. They love the version I present to them. Well, my grandad knows me a bit better then my grandma. At least he calls me Lance. And we have a similar sense of humor. But I worry he’s losing his memory. And to be honest, he’s a bit intimidating. It was me, him and Mom for a while. I appreciate that time we had together. I do love him. And am terrified of losing him too. 

Grandma, I was kind of always her main grandchild. Purely because my sister grew up, she wasn’t allowed see some of her grandkids or they lived too far away. And you know, I loved it as a kid. I loved being her main grandkid. I’m not saying she loved me more, no way, we just saw each other more. She has a big heart and I know she loves all her grandkids and children with all of it. I was just the one she had the most exposure to. And as a kid, it worked. Sure, she was always trying to convert me to her religion but Mom blocked that off. It’s more awkward now when I’m twenty and she’s still going on about it and, now that I’ve been educated and have more experience, don’t always agree with her. I admire her faith. I’m curious about it. Because I have no experience with it myself. But I don’t want to either. Growing up without any kind of faith or religion or beliefs, in some ways, I missed out. But I also think it left me open to the ideas of others and wanting to understand everyone. 

My grandma loves me, I know. But she knows less and less about me. Who I am. Even my name. I’m terrified of losing her if she saw me for me, because it could conflict with her faith. And if she had to turn her back, I don’t know what I’d do. 

I have a sister. But like just about every other family member, we’re distant. I mean, she’s six years older, so growing up there was that. And when she moved out, it was harder to maintain the relationship. And I know now, just how much she was dealing with herself. I knew nothing of it because I was the youngest and no thought me able to handle that sort of thing. I mean, I think at one point in my life I wouldn’t have been able to. But seeing your mother slowly die before you really matures you. 

Was that too dark? I’ve been told I can be rather dark. I think I’ve just grown more blunt. I know how awful this world is. How painful and bloody and disgusting and twisted it can be. No point in throwing handful glitter at it and smiling to make other’s feel comfortable. But I don’t want to ruin a positive outlook either. I admire those who can have one on life. I think I use to have one. Hope. Eagerness to live life. I had faith in my abilities and that I could live the life I wanted. Now, I don’t even know what I want anymore. I remember being a little kid and loving to tell stories. First in pictures, then in words when I could write. And my mom encouraged that. She was the only one who had faith I could make it as an author. Encouraged me. My aunts told me to get realistic and be an nurse or teacher. The one time I saw them in about five years, that’s what they had to say to me. Charming. It’s funny as a kid, anyone can be anything. And then you go to college and it’s all about making money. And I’m not discounting money, money is amazing, get to buy all my hoodies and books and Reeses Candy Cane Swirl kisses with money. It pays for my Netflix. Pay for the roof over my head and food in my-okay it pays for my take out. When I can afford it. If not, it’s Dealz microwave popcorn for dinner. But when did wanting the best future for someone add up to crushing their dreams and being a soul crushing asshole?

To be honest, I haven’t written anything proper since my mom died. I think that dream died with her. I kinda feel like I’m floating through college. I totally have a plan, that’s what I tell people. But nothing is said with certainty. Nothing with passion or excitement. Nothing I want to dedicate myself to. I go to college because it will stop the people who like to nose into my life from fretting and yeah, it has some positive aspects to it. I do enjoy learning. I’ve just lost my drive. 

And I’m so angry at people all the time. Old foster parents, ex friends, college mates, current friends, adults. Even though I am an adult, I don’t think I’ll ever stop seeing those people as the Adults. And I don’t know when they’ll stop seeing me as a teenager. Certainly still feel like one. 

Anyway, the whole reason I’m writing this post is because I got angry at an interaction between my best friend and her mom. Not angry at them. Angry at the fact I don’t have that. I don’t have a mom to offer to make me hot chocolate or hear about my day or just want to hug me for the sake of hugging me. It honestly feels like I have no one to make proud anymore. I don’t care what the others think because I don’t respect them as much as I did her. And I knew she wanted me to do well because she loved me. They pay attention because it’s the morally right thing to do. “The poor orphan, oh we’ll look so bad if we ignore them.”And then they smile to themselves and think, “Aren’t we such good people?”

And yeah, they are. Because they’ve fed me, given me somewhere to sleep (A blow up mattress is going to be interesting to sleep on for three months but we’ll make it work), somewhere safe and warm, a ride when I need it, helped me figure out college stuff and official things. And I appreciate that and them from the bottom of my heart. So that’s why I don’t understand why I get so angry. At everyone. Sure, some people deserve it, they’re assholes. Some don’t. And most have left because I don’t know how to handle my grief and other issues. After mom passed, it felt like just about everyone abandoned me. I wasn’t a great friend, I was angry at the world and depressed to a dangerous point. I was in crisis. And didn’t know how to reach out. My foster home got pulled out from under my feet just when I thought things were getting better. My school friends, well, they dropped communication. And some of them, I don’t blame for it. Some I do blame. But playing the Blame Game is stupid. So I wish them the best in their future endeavors and am trying to move on. I just feel like...when my life imploded, everyone was there for the first month. And then i was expected to smile, play happy families and school student and move on from losing the most important person in my life. My mom was my world. And I had to watch for five years as she wasted away. 

You know, some days I just wanna scream “FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. THEY SUCK AND I’M BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM” Cause some people are just douchebags, who hurt me for what feels like no reason. Some people, I understand couldn’t handle the place I was in. And to this day, I struggle with my self worth because of those sorts of interactions. And yet, I still put up with those kinds of people because I am terrified of being alone. Yet, I like being alone. I just like knowing people are there. And you know, there are some people in my life who frustrate me to no end but I still love them. And I am happy they’re in my life. 

My best friend. I would take a bullet for her. Several bullets in fact. She keeps me grounded, she puts up with all my bullshit and she makes me smile and you know what? I think she genuinely cares. We can fight and I’m not afraid that’s it, I’ll never see her again. I don’t see our friendship as a ticking time bomb. I know she’s there for the long haul. And I hope she knows that about me too. 

My surrogate  older sibling friend. They’re actually older than my sister. But I think they knows me better at this point. To be fair, I need to play my part in reconnecting with my sister. This is the friend who I look up to. I admire their strength and compassion. And they’re so smart and capable! I love them. 

Those are perhaps the two most solid people in my life. The two I don’t gotta pretend around and I can be as broken as I am. So that’s good at least.

I titled this piece superpower, originally. I had an idea in mind but I went off on an tangent as always. Perhaps I’ll go into that another time. 

Hope this helped,

Sincerely, 

Me. 

[shamelessly4shameless-blog]

Nickovich pt. 7

“Your fuckin’ what?”

Mickey looks slowly at Trevor and then back to Ian and gives a small humourless snort, tongue firmly in his cheek, scratching the back of his neck.

“My …uh ... boyfriend?”

Trevor lifts the word in a question, glancing between the two men.

“Do you … do you know each other?”

Mickey raises his eyebrows at Ian, who is completely frozen to the spot and doesn’t seem to have even heard Trevor’s question. When Ian doesn’t speak Mickey nods to himself and then grins brightly at Trevor, a smile that is a menacing as it is beautiful.

“Here, take your fuckin’ shirt and shove it up your fuckin’ ass.”

Mickey tugs the too small tee over his head, balls it up and shoves it into Trevor’s arms, hard. Trevor’s eyes flick to the poorly done tattoo on Mickey’s chest and flare wide.

“What the fuck?”

“Oh! This? Don’t worry man, won’t be there long. I can get that shit covered real quick.”

Mickey is still smiling but it’s getting more stretched and Nicky takes a deep breath before putting herself between the two men.

“Hey, put your shirt on. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Yeah? You fuckin’ quittin’ your job already?”

Mickey looks down at her, eyes wild and slightly unfocussed but not yet glassy and Nicky is willing him to hold it together until they get outside. It will be easier on his pride if he can hold it together until they are away from the redhead.

“Yeah, man. Fuck this freak show, huh?”

Nicky nudges the crushed shirt in his fist and Mickey quickly tugs it over his head. Ian is still rooted to the spot, his jaw clenched so hard that Mickey can see the muscles standing out starkly against the pale skin. Mickey shakes his head at him. He’s at a loss for words too. He doesn’t mind that Ian has been fucking other dudes … okay, he does mind, but it’s not exactly a shock. But a boyfriend? A fuckin’ committed relationship? Yeah, he minds that. He minds that very fucking much.

Trevor begins to reach out to touch Mickey’s shoulder, offer some sort of comfort or maybe an apology, but as his fingers linger close enough to feel the frantic heat pouring off of the older man, Mickey’s hand comes up and catches his wrist, twisting it slightly in a way that sends shudders of diluted pain up and down Trevor’s entire arm.

“Touch me again, and it will be the last time you use this fuckin’ hand. Do you hear me?”

Mickey’s voice is completely calm, as if he is simply asking a passing stranger for the time. Trevor nods and Mickey lets him go. A little voice at the back of his mind is telling him he cannot afford any trouble. He cannot make a scene, cannot make a fuss. Blend in, mingle, and escape.

“Abe? C’mon. Let’s just go.”

Nicky risks a hand on his forearm and Mickey nods curtly.

“Fuck you, Gallagher.”

He snaps, barging Ian with his shoulder, just for the satisfaction of knocking the fucker a little off balance to make up for the chaos he has just shoved Mickey into.

The shock of the contact seems to break the stupor because Ian lunges clumsily after Mickey, hand outstretched, a strangled noise coming from the back of his throat.

“Mickey …”

Mickey half turns but Nicky gets there first and pushes Ian’s hand away firmly.

“No. Not now. You got a phone, use it! Later.”

She adds giving him a stern look that reminds him of Fiona and stops him shoving her aside to get to Mickey, who seems to consider Nicky more than able to deal with the one again mute Gallagher and is resolutely headed down the steps and out the building.

*

“GOD DAMN … HIM? FUCKIN’ CURLY FUCKIN’ FUCK!”

Nicky flinches as another bottle smashes against the wall and sighs, taking a healthy bite out of her burrito. The insults have not been the most creative and this latest is one of the worst but that’s fine. Nicky has been guarding his phone, after wrestling it away from him before he could smash it, and it has rung three times. Apparently, this Ian guy likes short men and drama because anyone with an ounce of sense would know that ‘later’ meant hours, not minutes.

The abandoned building is clearly familiar to Abe/Mick. He went there without hesitation and there are old beer cans and bottles littered around as well as a decent amount of graffiti. Beside Nicky’s head there is a love heart with ‘I’ on one side and ‘M’ on the other and she’s not a gambling woman but if she was …

“He couldn’t wait even two years? Said he’d wait eight and couldn’t fuckin’ manage two!”

“A person’s gotta fuck, Abe. You know that.”

“Quit calling me that. You heard him and don’t pretend you didn’t. It’s Mickey.”

“Ha! Mickey and Nicky. What a hoot!”

Nicky toasts him with her can of beer and Mickey huffs out an impatient breath.

“This a fuckin’ joke to you?”

“No but are you sayin’ you never banged anyone in the joint?”

“Course I did but they didn’t mean anything!”

“Maybe a boyfriend doesn’t mean anything to Ian?”

Nicky shrugs and then seeing the murderous look on Mickey’s face adds

“Not that you didn’t mean anything but you seem to think the term ‘boyfriend’ is for life. For some people it is, but maybe not for him. Maybe for him it’s just what you call the person you’re banging after a while.”

“Like that fuckin’ paki queerbo Kash. That fucker was married with a couple damn kids and Ian still called him his boyfriend.”

Mickey wrinkles his nose at the thought of that old pervert and grabs another beer

“Ugh. Again with the race hate and the homophobia – I know you’re upset but do you have to?”

“What the fuck does it matter?”

“It matters because it makes you sound like an ignorant asshole.”

“Like I give a shit.”

Mickey mumbles but looks vaguely abashed and stops smashing shit, choosing instead to sit down next to Nicky who scowls at him but moves on

“Anyway weren’t you married with a kid?”

“Yeah but that was while me and Ian were together, not before, and I’m not twenty years older than him and I wasn’t his boss which made it even fuckin’ creepier that Kash started that shit.”

Mickey lists these apparent wins off on his fingers and Nicky nods, deciding it is a knot that is not really worth unpicking. They sit quietly for a couple of minutes both thinking.

“It took me fuckin’ years to call him my boyfriend.”

Mickey says softly, playing with the ring on his beer can, spinning it until it comes away in his hand.

“It’s a bigger deal for you maybe. I bet he was ready a lot quicker, huh?”

“Yeah, no, I mean, he did want to and all … I don’t fuckin’ know.”

Mickey does know. He knows how badly Ian wanted to call him his boyfriend for all that time before Mickey was able to do it. Asshole has always loved labeling shit. Always wanting everything to fit into a nice little box.

“Still shouldn’t fuckin’ have a boyfriend out here though.”

“Maybe or maybe not. Eight years is a long time to wait, even if you love someone.”

“Fuck love.”

Mickey snaps and drains his can, tossing it across the room with a hollow rattle.

“He’s calling again.”

Nicky glances at the burner phone by her side and Mickey looks across but then hastily looks away again, frowning.

“You want me to tell him to fuck off or come over?”

“Just … leave it. I don’t need to hear him tell me it’s over.”

“Might not be you he’s over with.”

Nicky shrugs and holds the phone out to Mickey. They watch it until it stops vibrating and then Nicky places it by her side again.

“He won’t come with me.”

Mickey’s voice is small but firm and Nicky pats his leg reassuringly

“He might. You have come this far. You might as well hear what he has to say.”

Mickey worries at his thumbnail with his teeth and glances over at Nicky as the phone vibrates again.

“Go ahead. I’ll give you some space.”

She hands it over and stands up, wondering if the place will still be in a similar state of disrepair or completely fucking destroyed by the time she gets back.

*

“Mick?”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“What the fuck do y…”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Don’t be a dick.”

“No, seriously. What are you sorry for? Cheatin’ on me or …”

“I wasn’t … I don’t know. I’m just sorry, okay?”

“What did you tell him about me?”

“That it’s complicated.”

“Oh fu…”

“And that I love you.”

“…”

“Mickey?”

“What?”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah.”

“Well are you gonna say it back?”

“No.”

“What the fuck, Mickey?”

“You wanna meet or what?”

“Where?”

“I’ll call you back.”

*

Nicky pokes her head around the doorway and smiles.

“Safe to enter?”

“Stupid fuckin’ question.”

Mickey answers gruffly but he’s looking happier and Nicky winks at him

“Hey, you’re a scary little fucker when you’re mad. All crazy eyes and heavy tongue – like you could do some serious fuckin’ damage if you wanted.”

“I don’t hit chicks.”

“I remember, a proper gent, but still. Made me edgy so I got donuts.”

“Jesus! Do you ever quit eating?”

Mickey frowns but licks his lip. It’s been a while since he had a donut.

“What kind?”

“You will not believe it …”

Nicky’s eyes are bright and she’s giving him that Gallagher-esque smile again.

“UNICORN SPRINKLES!”

“Ugh! What … why? Fuck sake!”

Mickey pulls a face but peers into the box and takes on with blue and purple icing on it.

“I think they got jelly in the middle but …”

“Not rainbows? Fuck it. I don’t want it then.”

Mickey jokes, his spirits instantly lifted by the insane amount of sugar in the first bite.

“Ha! Second time today I made you happy with my love of unicorns.”

“You don’t love them, you just love that it pisses me off.”

This is a more astute observation than Nicky had credited him with the ability to make and she beams widely.

“True. So what is the verdict with Red? Do we hate him or kind of think he’s okay or …?”

“Both. I dunno. Told curly fuck that he loves me.”

“Shit. Well too bad for Trevor I guess.”

“Don’t mean they broke up.”

“Means they should!”

Nicky snaps and Mickey raises his eyebrows in surprise but doesn’t comment. She doesn’t talk about herself much and Mickey doesn’t want to know. It’s not that he doesn’t care but his skill set has never lain in the realms of patient ear or agony aunt so it would probably just be a waste of her time trying to tell him anyway.

“So when are you gonna meet up, bang, fight, whatever you gotta do?”

“Well I was gonna meet him tonight but where would you go? Van’s not all that big and definitely not fuckin’ private …”

“Make him book a room somewhere.”

“Huh?”

Nicky rolls her eyes and then casts her hand out as if painting a scene for him

“A decent room somewhere. Fuck in an actual bed! Take a shower! … Keep the key card and let me in in the morning so I can take a shower. Order pizza!”

“The cops already questioned him …”

“He’s South Side too right? You Chicago types seem resourceful.”

*