#okay i am very depressed today bc i haven’t been able to pick up my meds for the past 2 days so

[faerielleart]

in a few weeks it’s gonna be this blog’s first anniversary so i would like to ramble a little, feel free to ignore this post, just putting my thoughts out here

i’ve been drawing ever since i can remember and my first introduction to the concept of fandoms and creating content was hetalia, along with aot. i used to draw hetalia fanart and post it on forums, then i posted every once in a while sketches of aot characters on my old tumblr blog, which i’ve had for like 8 years but haven’t used in a long time. i remember drawing constantly until i started high school, and high school for me was the worst years of my life. i became depressed and i wasn’t drawing anymore, i still struggle with depression but i’ve gotten better thankfully. the only thing that made me happy, was listening to my precious boys, BTS. they still make me the happiest nowadays and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them and i owe them a lot. my high school experience was fucked up on all sides. i’m not gonna go into detail, but it was the root of most of the problems i have today with interacting with other people.

why am i saying this? i thought a little backstory was needed here. so, as i said, i stopped drawing almost completely until last year. around maybe february 2020 i started sporadically posting some art on my personal twitter, then i made the big decision, which i pondered over for A LOT of time, of making an art account; i wasn’t sure if i’d be able to keep up the commitment, but i wanted to try anyway. things were okay for a while, but then they spiraled down when my grandma had to be hospitalized for a severe brain hemorrhage in march 2020. my will to do anything completely stopped and i couldn’t do anything, for weeks i said fuck off with my uni work, which caused me to fall a year behind with all my exams and i still struggle with first year programs now that i’m in my second year, with all things i enjoyed doing, all i could think about was how terrified i was for my grandma’s health. i didn’t see her for three months. just days after she got sick, italy was put on a strict lockdown which lasted until june. we couldn’t see her, we couldn’t call the hospital bc the system was collapsing and no one bothered giving us answers, letting us talk to her, no one even took care of her. she was confined to a hospital bed, alone, for 3 months, with no one checking up on her, interacting with her, absolutely nothing. every day i prayed they’d let us bring her home to us, every day i was disappointed. then, on 25th may 2020, we got the call. she had passed away in her sleep. they didn’t even bother to check her temperature and give us an approximate time, nothing. it was the worst moment of my life and i was completely out of it for a month. i turned off my phone for a month, didn’t talk to anyone for a month, didn’t do anything for a month. my grandma has always lived with us and we slept in the same room, in the same bed, until the very last day i saw her. she was my everything and i couldn’t even give her one last hug or tell her one last time that i love her. needless to say, i had 0 motivation to even wake up in the morning.

now, making this blog was like therapy to me. i already had my twitter, but tumblr was another story, it’s much more personal and i was kind of intimidated even as i was contemplating even making an art account in the first place, which is why i went with twitter first.

after a month of not-quite-living, one day i randomly picked up my ipad again and started drawing again. it was an ugly sketch of a person walking with a dog. it felt kind of nice, after a month of feeling completely numb. the more i drew, the more i started feeling better. i was re-reading the latest chapters, and i drew 126 fanart. and i made up my mind, i wanted to try and make a tumblr blog, i wanted to try and interact with a fandom i had followed silently for years after being an active part of it when i was younger. so i did it, and i posted my very first levihan fanart on the internet, on this blog, on 1st july 2020.

what’s all this for, you may ask if you’re still reading. yesterday was 25th may, which marks a full year since that happened. and this year has been revolutionary for my self-confidence and my skills. i have never drawn so much ever before in my entire life. in a year i drew everyday, i shared what i made on the internet, i received love and support for what i made from strangers and it’s been fucking amazing so far. things are better now and i can hope they’ll get better and better each day.

this was all to say, thank you to all of you. to all my almost-300 followers, which is such an unbelievable thing to me and i never would’ve expected to go over 10 followers maximum, to everyone who’s ever left a like on my posts, to everyone i’ve ever talked to on here, and even to the annoying anons who gave me a few laughs with their failed attempts at trolling, a big thank you. thank you for unknowningly being part of what helped me get through this year, thank you for enjoying what i create, thank you for supporting me. thanks to this blog, i’ve met and talked to wonderful people and rekindled my love for a fandom i had pretty much given up interacting with, even if i followed it silently at the same time for years. now the story’s finished, but my love for levihan hasn’t and the art will keep coming. it’s become such a big part of me now and it’s such a huge comfort, right up here with my darlings, BTS. thank you so much for the love and support.

much love,

angie 🌺

[tslasvegas]

Episode 13: “What a depressing trip to Las Vegas” - Jaiden

I just have one thing to say.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! It worked! I didn't expect Joey to vote with us. I feel bad about that, but hey, we couldn't see him being sincere. If he told us who the others were voting for, then maybe we would have changed votes. Jaiden was open to it already. Kailyn is probably the one who voted with John for Liv. Maybe she thought he would play and idol or maybe jury management. Anyway, she should have told us. 

Joey got voted out. Which was not supposed to happen this round. Pat and Jeff are just so naive and easily to manipulate. I’m sure they could be convinced to self vote without any real effort. I don’t even want to bother working with them moving forward because of it. But I might have to. I can’t let grudges get in the way of getting to the end game. Honestly at this point I’d be happy going to F3 with Liv and Kailyn. Xavier is too nice. Jaiden is too... out there? Love him, but I don’t want to sit next to him at the end. And Pat and Jeff i just don’t think they deserve to make it that far

I still can’t believe tribal tonight was real. It’s been like six hours and I’m still in shock that Joey finally went home. Like... what??? I’ve been dealing with that dude for three weeks and I’ve held his little secret in until it finally came of use to me, and... now I’m in the final seven. The game has NOT been won yet and while I feel like cheering and celebrating, I need to maintain my focus and center myself as the game is nowhere close to being over yet. We’ve still got at least four tribals to go, but after tonight I might be able to say that I’m exactly halfway through the merge (assuming it’s a final three... dear god please be a final three). Top eight was a really hard mountain to climb and once I lost immunity I felt a little out of touch with what was gonna happen next. I really felt like my time was going to come, and I’m so thankful that it wasn’t. Tbh Kailyn might’ve gone home today had Jeff not told me about a Palazzo chat still being alive and well. I don’t know how I’m gonna turn this bad situation around again but I need to convince Keegan and Livingston to work with me, Kailyn, and Xavier. It is critical now that Jeff or Pat go home because one of them is going to win. Before Joey left, he told me that there is a rumor that Jeff or Pat have an idol nullifier. While a nullifier won’t affect me right now, it’s not something that I want to see in the game going forward period and I want to use that little piece of information to my benefit and finally get rid of Pat. I’ve been saying for SO LONG that we need to get rid of Pat and now the time is ticking down. He has to go as soon as possible, fuck whatever Jeff says. Tbh I want to fly into the final six with no votes cast against me, still. I wonder if I can get Jeff and Pat to target like Keegan or Livingston and I really just need Xavier or Kaitlyn to bring up Pat’s name first before Jeff.. I doubt they have the smarts to recognize the danger that they pose, but we will see... Keegan is DEFINITELY pissed off at me now too. I made the mistake of telling him that I was “a little annoyed” about how tribal went, which was such a dumb thing to say bc tribal went exactly how I wanted it to. I’m playing off the fact that Kailyn must’ve known abt Joey voting for Livingston because her name was on the chopping block too so that’s why it went 4-2-2 rather than 5-2-1 like it was supposed to. I don’t want anybody to know that I was playing for Joey’s advantage which I’m sure people think I have right now lmfao... Anyways really I need to just make Keegan NOT hate me because he’s still part of my plan long term (I think)... he’s really smart tho and I’m not counting him out to win the whole thing but he hasn’t really done much of anything whereas people like Jeff and Pat and Xavier have kinda done a lot... If Keegan isn’t prepared to be fully loyal to me til the end then there’s nothing I can say to him except adios. All I really need right now is an immunity run til the end. I hope that the next challenge is something that doesn’t require a lot of skill because I am INCREDIBLY anxious just thinking about a competition, live. I need final seven immunity because then I’m guaranteed top five... the furthest I’ve ever been in Tumblr Survivor by a mile. I’ll break so many of my own personal records with that one single immunity win. In fact, if I make it to final five, that will be the best I’ve literally ever done in a Skype survivor org. I haven’t done that good since April and it’s just really affirming to me that this was the right decision for me to come back to Tumblr. Aside from winning challenges and making more moves, I also have gotta start fixing my bad relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, Keegan seems REALLY pissed off at me for how things went down with him being left out of the vote again. I can only apologize so many times before I am simply unforgivable. Maybe say sorry less and work to do better??? Idfk. But if Jeff or Pat can just say Keegan’s name, I’ll do what I can to prove to him that I’m loyal to HIM and not them. I hope that the Palazzos are falling to pieces now and realize that the only way to the end is to stick by us and nobody else. Jeff was also pretty mad at me for pushing his buttons a lot today. But honestly he was feeding me utter bullshit. I don’t buy that he was my savior and guardian Angel today, protecting me from having my name come up. I should honestly tell Livingston that Jeff sold him out to me not too long after Livingston said my name in their little chat. That would be hilarious. Kailyn and I are pretty close, but it could be better. I think I tend to revert all game-conversations with Xavier, so I don’t consider Kailyn my main ally unfortunately. If I want to go to the final three with her and Xavier, I need to really work on building that GAME relationship up because as a person I think we vibe well but it’s gonna come down to a couple factors and if she *has* to be sacrificed for me to get further, I can’t do anything but let it happen unfortunately.. As I just said, Xavier is kind of my main strategic ally right now which is super weird to say. He has definitely stepped it up A LOT in the strategic department and I have a lot of respect for him just as a person and I want to try and pick his brain a little bit more. The only thing with Xavier is that he seems to be playing really “safe” right now - I think had the opportunity presented itself to vote for Jeff with Joey, Xavier wouldn’t have gone for it and would’ve wanted to stick strong with voting Livingston instead. Which I totally get, but this game right now kinda requires we make bolder decisions than just what kinda didn’t work last time, you know? Okay now for Pat - god our relationship is just so weird. I have virtually not ties to Pat except the one alliance with Jeff and I feel like Jeff wants to control Pat rather than let Pat be his own player. It’s weird. I wonder if Pat would be down to vote out Jeff but fuck it’s gonna be hard to pull that off. I don’t want to hold off on Pat BECAUSE if I can’t get him out next, I will need him at final six and hopefully final five to serve as a sacrificial lamb or something. I’m wondering now if maybe Livingston needs to go because people are gonna always view Pat as a huge threat to win, even though he might not necessarily do so if he gets there. Livingston... yeah I really don’t like Livingston lmfao. I think it’s because of his super close connection to Rachael but it might also be because he is like, cool and nerdy and a bit of a try hard “around camp” so to speak. What REALLY gets on my nerves about Livingston is that he possesses zero of the charisma to convince me that he sucks at this game but enough social finesse to make me think that he’s actually gonna win if he gets to the end. He’s like, that cool dork everybody was friends with in high school. Even though parts of his game have been lackluster as fuck, he’s still a massive threat to win and I might just need to kick him off to the jury as soon as possible. :) And finally... me! I’m gonna try hard to be unbiased and self-aware but it’s so difficult to do that bc I genuinely don’t know how ppl are perceiving me this time.. I THINK it’s mostly positive but tonight was definitely one of my most negative episodes bc of how stressful I was being before tribal. Just ask Jeff. I think I’m definitely succeeding in getting votes to go my way and I have had a LOT of things go right for me since the merge. From Stephanie leaving right when I needed her to, to the double removal, to the super idol coming out and getting rid of Joey... It’s been so good so far. BUT I’m not being subtle about it. Subtlety is not a strength of mine that’s for sure.. I think I succeeded in being “subtle” about the Steph thing bc I was not making it overly obvious I wanted her out but otherwise I’ve been very clearly controlling other decisions and how certain votes went. Leaving two people I don’t trust in the game (Pat/Jeff) is tough but at least I worked with them on something, right? Joey was telling me so much that he was gonna lose to me and I think he was right. Now Jeff is saying that he’s probably going to lose if we’re in the end, but he doesn’t want to vote me out. Do I trust that? Not really... But fuck, I don’t even know anymore!!! I think if the game was over right now, I’m going to be grilled to DEATH for being fake as hell to Joey. I think that’s gonna come back to bite me so I need to start talking POSITIVELY about Joey to EVERYBODY. Read him for game, not for personal reasons. And maybe I’ll even talk his game up going forward just so that the person who goes into jury at least relays that I made a “good move” voting for Joey to leave (even tho I didn’t vote for Joey hehe). I wonder if people think I’m just playing tjem as pawns and not as real people.. bc these are definitely real people we are playing with here and I recognize that, but honestly in my mind nobody here wants this as badly as me. If that makes me the villain, I’m fine being the villain. But I’m not a human being that will ever play this game with a passion to play humanely. I want to win so badly. I’m going crazy in my own head, the wheels turning in hyperspeed. I’ve never been hungrier for something like I am for this win... I can hold out another year in this environment if I have to. I can and I will 🤠

Darn third world slow internet connection! Anyway, it made others look like challenge threats more than me, so hopefully that gets me through more rounds if they think other people can win more :) 

That was a very stressful and very tense immunity challenge. Jeff was the clear front runner for the first five rounds, being the first person to advance in all of them. He’s a quick typer which made me very worried I wouldn’t be able to pull off a win. However, the last round was “Name That Song” and with the help of Siri, I snagged the immunity necklace! Final 6 here I come! This round presents me with an interesting dilemma. Since I have immunity I can be a little more ballsy. So I could throw Jeff or Pat under the bus, try to sway Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier to vote one of them out. Or I can stick with the OG Palazzo group that is saying (for the fifth time I might add) that they want to stick together. That hasn’t worked out at all yet this merge and we’ve voted 4 people out. Pat and Jeff seem pretty interested in targeting Xavier for being a social threat which I don’t disagree with. But Jaiden is a very strong player. This is one of those rounds where I’m insanely grateful to have immunity because there’s also a bunch of advantages out there. I know Livingston has a regular idol now. But there’s vote steals and extra votes and idol nullifiers out there somewhere and that’s so nerve-wracking. Also, Jaiden mentioned to me that this is the last round for a lot of those advantages and I just don’t think I buy that. Final 7 is a weird place for that. Regardless, I’m fully expecting this to be a wild and crazy tribal tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what happens because I get to sit there looking pretty with my new bling. Xoxo Gossip Girl

I am terrified of tribal today and I have a bunch of different ideas in my head but I just want to survive. Kind of where I am at is I feel like I am getting 7th no matter what because I have never tasted top 6 in an ORG. I could play an idol here at 7, waste it, and then just get fucked at 6. One thing I thought about was "finding" the idol part of the way through tomorrow and then letting OG Palazzo know to build trust. The only issue with this is that the idol nullifier is in play. It could still be on the board. It was on the board when I got my auction advantage. But if it isn't, and Pat and Jeff turn on me, I could be fucked idol or no idol if the nullifier is played. I suppose that Pat and Jeff have both never voted me as far as I can tell, unless I have miscalculated one of the vote counts for the past 2 tribals. Maybe it'd be safer to hold onto the idol quietly and just hope I don't leave with it in my pocket. This is so stressful because if I leave with it in my pocket, I look like an idiot that had the luck to get two advantages but couldn't traverse the game much past that. 

Okay so, Jeff is my closest ally at this point. Voting out Joey was our move and I am very happy we did. I don’t express the anger that I’m feeling and I think that helps keep my relationships good with people. I think I’m good with Livingston and Keegan and also Jaiden and Kailyn. I was Xavier out this round but I feel like something is going to happen. No one knows I have an idol which is amazing and I hope I don’t have to use it til final 5 and I have immunity and can play it on someone else for the fun of it. I can’t believe I made final 7 and am actually kicking up playing the game by voting correctly on Joey. I think so far I have 2 of the 4 votes at final tribal council, Andrew and Steph. I think I have a road there, I just hope I make the right decision because I’m still in I a weird phase of the game and anything can happen. 

This tribal feels very weird. Jaiden is insisting he hasn’t heard anything at all about the vote. Which I find very strange considering he’s basically been running things most of this merge. Why would suddenly no one tell him anything? Especially Kailyn and Xavier. Seems like those three are fairly open with each other. I could not be more happy to have immunity this round. No matter what happens, I am safe and have not a thing to worry about. I really really hope that Pat and Jeff are being honest and actually voting for Xavier like they say they are. If they’re flipping and voting for Livingston.... I don’t even want to imagine that. But I’m getting some sketchy vibes. Fingers crossed it’s just me being paranoid, though any time I say that something unexpected happens.

Ok I'm calling it, I'm going home tonight ! Literally nobody is telling me anything and it's really quite pathetic to see Keegan, who says we're super cool and good friends and will be friends once this is all over, win immunity and then not make a single attempt to pick me up and flip me to his side. Unless he's so confident that the Palazzo four will stick loyal to the very end... which they probably will, but Jeff is gonna beat all of them in the end and I think they see me as a big threat or something LOL I guess it's good gameplay for them but I hate it either way. I don't really have a lot to say bc now I just feel dumb. I wish I had an idol, but of course, I do not. Anyways, I'm going to have to stick with the fact that people are voting for Xavier tonight and hope my name doesn't come up at all. I'm going to lie and tell Xavier that I'm certain its me or Kailyn tonight and hope he holds an idol if he has it... or plays it on me heh. We'll see though... What a depressing trip to Las Vegas if it ends like this. 

The last Confessional :( 

[innocentlynj]

The Very First Time

Pairing:  Reader + Kim Namjoon (F X M)

Genre: one shot 

Warnings: smut (mostly fluff) 

Word count: 2400+

ignore how many times I had to censor a word because tumblrs a bitch. 

He had tried to make everything perfect, literally down to the detail. But how couldn't he, you were the love of his life and he only wanted the best for you?

Today was the day he was going to give himself to you, you already losing your first time to a possessive ex in the past. His nerves were on end with wild thought running through his head. Was he going to be good enough? What if he couldn't please you? What if... His thoughts were interrupted from a ding of his phone. He opened up the Snapchat app and smiled as a picture of you flashed across the screen, putting a smile on his face before taking a screenshot of you as he always does and takes a quick picture of himself.

He smiles to himself again at the thought of how perfect you are in his eyes. He knows that some fans haven't been the best to you but he also saw the real fans in their support and constant love and acceptance he gave your guys relationship. He sat down on the floor, careful not to ruin the freshly made bed that had the slight smell of his cologne that he knew you loved so well by the way you would hug him just a little tighter to smell him more.

He flipped through the playlist he made for this, being the hopeless romantic he is, and the sound of soft music flowed the air like silk against skin, piano, and violin working harmoniously together.  He nodded to himself, satisfied with the scene in front of him. He heard a small knock on the door, but not any knock. The knock that you both made for each other as a secret and also as an inside joke. Yours was to the song "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" by Panic at the Disco since he knew how much you loved them, almost as much as you loved his group of BTS, and his being "Flower Cafe" By Jooheon Changkyun. He got up in a flash to answer the door as he took in your appearance, a blush creeping onto his skin.

You were dressed in almost the simplest outfit, in a long-sleeved black tee and fitting jeans and sunglasses to hide your appearance from the press. To Namjoon, you were absolutely stunning and took his breath away. You smiled brightly at him as he let you into his dorm but the other boys were out, for specific reasons. You unloaded your bag and scarf onto the nearest coat rack and are quick to wrap your arms around your beloved boyfriend of now 3 years. You both started dating after you finally got you and your friend into a fan sign after, possibly, buying 200 albums to actually get there. It was an effort but you are so glad you did it, because there you both locked eyes and it was an unspeakable connection that you two had shared, and continue to share to this very day.

"I missed you." The first words spoke since you arrived that were uttered from the very tall man hugging you tightly to him as if he was afraid you were going to slip away from him. You giggled and hugged him tightly back.

"I missed you too Aein" (sweetheart) You say softly as you softly inhale is scent and shut your eyes in comfort. That's when you heard the soft music playing and the smell of food in the atmosphere. "Wait, did you cook? And the fire department isn't here?" You joked as you looked around for any sign of a fire. He chuckled at you and rolled his eyes.

"No, I had Jin Hyung help me out with all this. I can't even cut an onion." He joked and hugged you from behind as you looked at all the food prepared for you two. You had lost a lot of weight before meeting Namjoon, being very depressed and just stopped eating which he helped you with later in the relationship, mostly due to the fact that he didn't know. You had gotten to the healthy side of life, but still some thickness in areas but he loved it on you. Your eyes watered slightly at such the amazing gesture and he cupped your face and turned you around to face him and kissed you gently on the lips. "Let's eat!"

After you both ate a little bit, him mostly knocking things over and him being his usual clumsy self but something was a little off with him, but you really couldn't put your finger on it, nor did you want to assume things. He took a deep breath and put on a huge grin, dimples shining through slightly as his eyes glittered in the light with happiness. He pulled something from his pocket and your heart skipped a beat.

"Y/N. I know we've been dating for the past three years now, so this is long past due, but I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you in the future, but being with BTS takes up a lot of time and I know it is stressful for you sometimes. So until I am able to put an engagement ring on that finger, I want to give you this." The entire speech your heart filled with joy and your eyes filled with tears. He opened the box and held out the prettiest promise ring you have ever seen. It must have cost a lot, but honestly, he could have given you a ring pop and you would have been happy with the thought. "S-So," he stuttered slightly and honestly it was adorable and pure. "Will you be my forever?"

Of course, you nodded and got up quickly and kissed him passionately. When you pulled away he slid the ring on your finger. He looked up at you with love in his eyes and you looked back with the same about of love for him. You cupped his cheek and looked at the features of his face, almost studying it. 3 years ago you would have never envisioned yourself in this position but here you are, staring at the face of Kim Namjoon and him staring at you with so much love that you never felt with anyone else before. His eyes moved from your eyes to your lips and they looked back at you with the slight definition of lust. He gently grabbed the back of your hair and pulled you down to kiss him. As your lips connected, there was something different about this kiss that you ever felt before. The fireworks you heard people talk about were there. You had never felt them, kissing people only felt like lips touching but with Namjoon the hairs on your arms stood up on end.

Namjoon could feel it too as he slightly hissed into the kiss and pulled you close to him and onto his lap. You gratefully wrapped your arms around his neck and played with the hair close to the nape of his neck and tugged gently, earning a low moan from his lips that were working against yours in sync. This sent a twist of emotions to your stomach and made you do it again but a little more gently, just to stimulate him. He growled softly and picked you up, forcing you to wrap your legs around his waist as he moved you both to his bedroom, the food forgotten (for now, never let good food go to waste tf?) A slightly giggle left your lips as you left small kisses on his neck until he laid you on his bed. The air smelled of him, and the soft music was only slightly louder in here. Everything looked perfect, almost a little too perfect like he had stressed over this, and then you remembered that this would be his first time, ever. You suddenly got nervous and sat up.

"Baby, are you sure you want to do this?" You say as he steps towards you and kneels in front of you.

"Yes. I can't think of anyone I would rather do this within my life." Namjoon said and smiled softly, brushing his thumb across your cheek and searching for your expression. "Are you sure you want to do this? I know your first time wasn't the best but-" You cut him off by kissing his hand gently.

"I want you. And only you. Forever." You say and brush the hair out of his face slightly. He smiles and reconnects your lips and you both crawl back the headboard where the pillows are and he places his hand on your hip, the other supporting his weight above you. He slides his hand down to your thigh and very slowly to your heater core, almost afraid to touch you as you were a soft petal that would break.

"Is this okay?" He pulls away breathlessly, his fingers feathering over your core as he looks you in the eyes. You nod and kiss him again, sliding your hands up the back of his shirt and to his shoulders as he applied pressure, earning a soft moan from you. It made Namjoon happy to hear you make such beautiful noises, as he wanted to make sure you feel as good as he was in the moment. You slowly pulled off his shirt and touched his bare chest and looked at him.

"You are..so perfect." You say to him and he gets shy, smiling and burring his face into your neck and giggling, making you giggle and when he pulls away from you both just look at each other and start giggling as he kisses you again, slowly nipping and licking his way to your neck. You hear him mumble a soft "Is this okay?" Your breathing had picked up, leaving you only in short outtakes as you nod again. You were touched that he kept asking for your permission with everything, being a gentleman. After your nod you felt him gently nip on your skin, sucking and biting his way through a few hickeys on your neck to even darker and bigger hickeys.

Your moans were his encouragement to continue as he slowly pulled off your shirt and jeans, leaving you in only your undergarments. He blushed a deep red at the sight of you in front of him; breathing heavily by his doing, the hickeys on your neck that were just starting to form, your hair sprawled out around you making you look like an angel, and the sexy appeal of seeing what very little has seen (including friends and immediate family bc Idk about you but my mom doesn't know what knocking is). You blushed and started to cover yourself when he removed your hands and kissed your stomach. 

"아름다운." (beautiful) He said and pulled off his pants, leaving him in only his boxers. you took this opportunity to slowly unhook your bra and watch as his face went to a face of shock as he looked at you. He gulped slightly and looked you in the eyes and smiled shyly, like a kid finding seeing mommy kissing Santa under the mistletoe. He slightly lunged towards you and kissed you with such lust it sent your whole body into a sensitive shock as he gently gripped your right br*ast and looked at you, "Is this okay?"

You had to laugh softly, as he asked at least 3 times this entire time. You cup his face and forced him to look at you. "Yes, I am okay. You don't have to keep asking my love. I want you. All of you." With this, most of Namjoon's nerves left and he gently rolled your n*pple between his fingers, sending shocks throughout your body as a low moan left your parted lips. The rest of the clothes were soon discarded and Namjoon reached for the condom in the bedside table, accidentally knocking over one of the speakers as he cursed to himself. You giggled slightly at his clumsy state as he finally got a condom, after breaking the box and spilling the rest of them out. He let out a small nervous chuckle. He ripped the condom with his long finger and then looked at it slightly and breathed heavily as his shaky hands tried to roll the condom on his thick cock of his.

This was the first time you were able to take in his size and it took your breath away. The daze you were in snapped and you saw him struggling and you smiled softly.

"Baby let me help." You say and you roll the condom on him after licking your hand and rubbing it over his dick a few times to lucubrate it, smirking when a few moans and curses left his mouth. When it was on you pushed him gently to the bed and got on top of him. "Let me take care of you, baby." You say softly slide yourself onto him as you both groan in pleasure. It was a little painful at first due to his size but within a few minutes, that uncomfortable pressure was replaced with a pleasure that spread slowly throughout your entire body.

Namjoon grit his teeth and hissed through them, gripping your waist with his long slender fingers tightly that left slight marks.

"Y/N if you don't move soon I might go crazy." He muttered through his teeth and he opened his eyes that had found themselves closed and looked into your eyes. They showed pure love and passion. You felt a soft moan leave your lips just at the look alone he was boring onto you. You slowly started moving, sliding up and down on his dick as his hands guided him down onto his dick, leaving groans and stuttering curses in Korean from his lips. The effect you had on him turned you on more than the small foreplay that you shared before. You picked up your pace a bit and placed your hands on his toned chest and his hands slowly found their way to your ass, gripping the skin tightly and moved with every bounce you made.

His eyes had fluttered closed once again you looked down at his angelic face, scrunched in focus and in pleasure. The sight below you was one to make your heart flutter with love. You leaned down and placed a kiss upon his lips, receiving a kiss in return and a moan as you gently bit his lip and tug it gently between your teeth. He looked up at you and the grip on your ass tightened and he started to pull you down on his thick cock faster and more hard than your pace, making you cry out a moan and nuzzle your face into his neck.

Namjoon saw the effect he had on you and brought one hand up and between you and started rubbing your clit in lazy circles, pushing you closer to your edge.

"J-joonie," You managed to stutter out in a haze of pleasure

"I know jagiya, I'm-" He was cut off by the wave of pleasure that overwhelmed him at the moment and he stuttered slightly. His fingers worked faster against your cl*t, making sure you were feeling as good as he was, but honestly, you couldn't feel more love and pleasure at this moment.

With a final thrust, you both reached your climax and you rolled off of him gently and laid next to him, breathless. The only thing in the air was the sound of the soft music and you both heavily breathing, but it was music to both of your ears. You looked up at him and smiled, kissing him gently and cuddling into him and pushed some hair out of his face.

"Did you like it?" You ask at the breathing angel in front of you as he locks eye with you.

"I think I went to heaven being with you." He flirts and you giggle, kissing his shoulder softly. He started tracing shapes on your back as your eyes drooped from being tired. "Sleep, my love. I will wake you up in the morning." He said and kissed your forehead. You moaned in acknowledgment muttered a small,

"사랑해"

Namjoon smiled at your sleeping form. "I love you too Y/N"

[joeypottrs]

Got tagged by the ever so lovely @curlybeanie

last (1-5) drink - water

phone call - mumsie (that’s what my mum is under in my phone)

text msg - “turning onto south street now from north lake” - to my mum so she could pick me up from the bus stop bc i was chaffing like a bitch and didn’t want to walk after work

song you listened to - Lemon To A Knife Fight - The Wombats

time you cried - watching Testament of Youth? i can’t remember tbh

ever..? (6-11) dated someone twice - nup

ever kissed someone and regretted it - no

been cheated on - no 

lost some1 special - i mean no, if this is about death. 

been depressed - I have had some real lulls in happiness, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been depressed, I probably need to talk about some of my issues though with someone

gotten drunk/thrown up - I have never gotten wasted, I’ve gotten very tipsy, but I could still text and control myself (other than my laughter). And everyone has thrown up, but i haven’t bc of alcohol i’ve consumed. fav colors (12-14) midnight blue, pastel pink, light burgundy. tbh that’ll probably change in a few months

in the last yr have you.. (15-21) made new friends/ mutuals - yessss

fallen out of love - with friends and interests but not in the romantic sense.

laughed until you cried - of course

found out some1 was talking about you - it may have been in the last year, i tend to shut those people out of my life pretty quick if it is negative though.

met some1 who changed you - not in the last year i wouldn’t say

kissed some1 on your FB friends’ list - nope

general (22-51) how many of your FB friends do you know irl - most of them, the rest are people i knew through people e.g. boys from boarding schools i went to socials with, and girls in a few years below from me at school that i never talked to

have any pets - yes, a dog, he is a boxer

do you want to change your name - nope, sophie is a pretty chill name

what did you do for your prev. birthday - my friends and I went to grill’d and then played dance danc revolution at timezone and then went to cold rock, i swear i’m an adult.

what time did you wake up today - 5:50 am , gotta love working on sundays and living a long way from work when the public transport is sketchy af.

what were you doing @ midnight last night - trying to fucking sleep bc i had to get up early, and failing

what is something you can’t wait for - possibly going to london for christmas, finishing my final year of uni, the bbl semifinal on thursday lol

what’re you listening to atm - spotify with my fan burring in the background like the noisey fucker it is

have you ever talked to a person named Tom - yes, my cousin, and multiple boys on my french school trip were called tom.

something that’s getting on your nerves - people having political stances bc their parents vote that way, and they haven’t educated themselves on matters, like okay, i’m alright if you vote conservative, but i want it to be bc of your own reasons.

most visited site - twitter, tumblr, youtube, a03 and dailymail bc i’m trash

hair color - mid brown

long/ short hair - shoulder-length, i only cut it last year, before that it was really fucking long

do you have a crush on some1 - nope, not had one for a while

what do you like about yourself - my teeth are naturally straight, and i like my wavy hair most of the time

want any piercings - i used to, btu i grew out of it. my single ear piercings are enough

blood type - never found out, i was born before they told gave people the little card at birth and i keep forgetting to see. My mum is AB+ and my dad is a O and my brother is A+, so I could be and A or a B if i remember my yr 12 human biology correctly

nicknames - soph, sophdawg (I hate 2012), snowphie (my friend had a pony named snowy when i was in primary school and would always mix us up lmao), elephant (it’s a long story and an endearing childhood nickname that i will forever be called when i do something good)

relationship status - single as always

zodiac - pisces

pronoun(s) - she/her

fav tv shows - b99, riverdale, outlander, game of thrones, the good place, superstore, the goldbergs, victoria and lots of others

tattoos? - nope and my mum would be very disappointed if i did

rightie or leftie - rightie

ever had surgery - nope

piercings - my ears

sports - currently none, but I have played netball, did competitive swimming, cricket, AFL, water polo, basketball and i was pretty handy with a discus.

vacation - I want to go to europe - germany, france, italy, the uk, ireland.

trainers - black, and my proper runners are neon pink. more general (52-58) eating - it’s 1am so no

drinking - water

i’m about to watch - nothing

waiting for - my dentist appointment tomorrow, i swear if she tries to tell me to get my wisdon teeth removed when they don’t need to be i’m fucking out of there

want - to sleep for longer then i’m gonna be able to bc of the bloddy dentist appointment

get married - always imagined it, will it happen? who knows.

career - PR/Events Management, that is what i’m doing at uni anyway

which is better (59-65) hugs/kisses - hugs

lips/eyes - eyes

shorter/taller - taller (i’m 6ft i need things tall)

older/younger - depends on what.

nice arms/ stomach - arms arms armssss

hookup/relationship - relationship

troublemaker/hesitant - hesitant, i think things through and plan too much have you ever (66-75) kissed a stranger - nope

drank hard liquor - idk probably not, i don’t drink that much, i’m pretty mild

lost glasses - sunnies

turned someone down - yuppppp

sex on 1st date - no

broken a heart - i don’t think so???

had your heart broken - not in the romantic sense, but people have disappointed me

been arrested - no

cried when some1 died - i haven’t really had people close to me die, but i did sob hysterically at a bus stop and in the library at uni the week my grannie was hopsitalised with a severe stroke (she’s fine now though)

fallen for a friend - yeah, but nothing came of it.

do you believe in.. (76-81) yourself - yes

miracles - partially

love @ first sight - nope

santa clause - no

kiss on a 1st date - depends

angels - no

other (82-85) best friend’s name - i wouldn’t say i have a best friend, i have many close friends. the ones i speak to the most are called kayla and tiarne though.

eye color - blue

fav movie - fucked if i know, there are too many

fav actor - jesus idk again too many

Tagging: @got-addict @gryffinoir @jinglejanglejones @loveistheessenceoflife @ellimomo

[noplaceliketiffanys]

A long ass, hella personal, hella messy update under the cut.

As any of you that are going to click this probably know, honey and I have been having a lot of problems lately. On Thursday night he told me something that had happened repeatedly that for some reason crossed a line with me and triggered some very intense trauma responses that were very hard for me to deal with. (is it normal for it to feel like assault when they haven’t touched you? does not touching you mean they don’t need your consent? I know what I would tell someone else. I have trouble grasping concrete answers for myself) We didn’t see each other much on Friday, but it was mostly okay when we did. I was trying very hard for things to be okay. We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed for a couple of weeks now, which is something I have difficulty with (although I know that's dumb, so I'm working on it) and on Saturday he cleaned his room, and brought most of the things I had left in there out and put them with the rest of my stuff, which was reasonable and makes sense, but it felt hollow and lonely and stressful. He was in such a good mood, but I couldn't get the feeling out of my head about our conversation from Thursday, about how lonely I felt, how it never felt like home in our house, how much I loved him, how hard everything was. And here I am clearly upset and hurting and miserable and here he is, still acting like we aren’t having any problems at all. I brought up the trauma related issues I was having, how I felt like we’ve drifted apart, how lonely I was, mentioned that some of it was probably my anxiety and depression, tried to leave room for him not to be at fault or feel attacked, started crying too hard to continue, and went to lay down. He proceeded to ignore me for the next hour, reading and ignoring my messages, ignoring me when I called to him as he walked by. I was miserable and lowkey suicidal and I felt unsafe, so a friend picked me up. I was hoping to stay gone that night and approach it from a clearer perspective in the morning.  I texted him to tell him this was happening, and as soon as I left he started messaging me, apologetic and threatening to kill himself because “you'd be better off” This went on all night, with me scared and unsure who to call for help, sure I'd have blood on my hands, and him telling me he needed to do this for my sake. In the morning it was back to ignoring me. I finally went back to the house for a bit, to grab my car and my laptop, to go ahead with plans I’d had all week. He was clearly hurt that I was leaving, but told me that he “didnt feel safe talking to me anymore, because i bring up things he told me in confidence in fights” (Last week he told me he didn’t connect with anyone, that we were together because “Well it might as well be you.” two days later after a particularly lonely evening I asked him, crying, not yelling, why we were still together. he said he was feeling cornered and could we talk about this later, then later couldn't see why I was hurt, so I mentioned that some reassurance after that conversation would have been nice. Saturday night I accidentally said “I'm not sure if we’re still in love or if we have any sort of emotional connection at all” not intentionally referencing that fight, just expressing a fear/feeling that I’ve had for a while) I asked him if that was what he got out of our fight Saturday (which was literally just me saying things and literally sobbing and him not saying anything). He said “I just feel like its really unfair and I don’t feel safe talking to you about things” At that point, I was too hurt to really continue the discussion and left soon after to watch the movie with a friend that I had planned to see. Last night I checked my phone to 7 missed calls from him in ten minutes, which immediately sent me into my third anxiety attack (third spike in the day long anxiety attack? third moment I thought I was going to die) of the day. I texted him to find out what was going on. he said he just needed me home because he was terrified I didn’t want to be around him right now and he just needed me around. I asked if anyone else could come over, bc with my anxiety this high I wasn’t sure if it was good for either of us to be around each other. Especially since he seemed to need me to WANT to be there, and my anxiety was mostly about not feeling safe around him/not wanting to hurt him. He told me that if I was hesitating this much, I should just stay gone, I was only going to make it worse. Today he informed me that he has an app with his therapist tonight, and someone lined up to bring him to the hospital if he gets bad again, then said “we need to talk in person soon.” because we’ve “barely seen each other” and nothing else. He hasn’t said he loved me in three days now. I don’t have any idea what I'm doing and I’m terrified to make the wrong move, sad about the possibility of this being the end of us, even more sad about not being able to be there for him while he’s having a rough time, and incredibly sad about the fact that there is still no room in this relationship for me to have any feelings at all, and also sad bc I know what the narrative is going to look like from the other side.  I’ve been here before. It always looks the same.