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#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc
toastsnaffler
ยท
3 months
Text
everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty ๐
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too
#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy ๐
#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that
#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically
#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me
#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence
#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-
#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh
#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space
#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-
#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man
#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them
#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road
#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-
#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me
#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc
#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-
#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately
#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that
#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..
#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too
#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes
#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a
#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling
#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........
#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!
#.diaries
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