#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me

[toastsnaffler]

everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

[the-s1lly-corner]

TADC cast x supportive!reader (platonic)

except its hyper specific and applies to my oc specifically because i need a little pick me up today reader is like the circus members anchor as well as a generally serving as a support system and has been in the circus for a while. havent decided on how long but definitely getting close to kinger in terms of how long theyve been stuck. kind of gives off dad energy have not shared the oc here on this blog but i have shared them elsewhere, wont say where because im embarrassed </3 this was originally gonna be a ship chart dynamic but im too tired to draw everyone plus this feels more fun using 'you/your' pronouns for the reader even though its an oc so you guys can at least like, insert yourself REMINDER requests are closed, this is a personal request from myself. any requests sent now will not be answered even after they reopen. please respect that and understand that requests are closed

CAINE:

saved caine for last (yes i know hes the first one in the list hush i dont actually write these in order) i think you and him would have friendly back and forth banter. youve accepted your place in the digital circus long ago so you dont see much point in trying to interrogate him for information on a possible exit. and sure, i dont know if caine can abstract, but i think he enjoys the conversations between the two of you... that said, given how accepting you are with everything as well as having a "roll with it" outlook on the digital world, he probably uses you as plot stuff and props for IHA; be it as a false hostage or as a means to progress the adventure... definitely has a soft spot for you, i think... jax and bubble have a dark bet on when you will finally abstract/j

RAGATHA:

ah yes the optimistic duo, the hopeful pals, the sillies. you two are probably the main reason why everyone else is... mostly... fine, i mean i think having someone be so friendly and open cane make things a little easier for other people. as well as this you two mutually lean on each other for support and uplift one another when things get tough. i mention it in kingers part, but you too are also afraid of bugs but you would help ragatha clear her room of centipedes in a heartbeat, even going as far as to collect them with your bare hands.. so uh... take that as a testament to yalls friendship

JAX:

now im a little stumped on this one because i really dont think the "reader" would be buddy buddy with jax... or maybe they would be... hmm.. on one hand i can see them scolding him for pushing his pranks 'too far' (ex. the ragatha centipede thing, assuming he actually did it), but i can also see a "supportive figure and rebellious kid" dynamic. except jax isnt a kid but you are old enough be his dad, probably.. i think ill just leave that here since i dont have any other ideas

POMNI:

youve been here for a while, so i think naturally pomni would gravitate towards you in order for possible solutions and escape routes, perhaps she would approach kinger, too... but this isnt about kinger </3. fine line between outright shattering their hope but also instilling it, neither are great options... one can lead to despair and the other to obsession; both will lead to abstraction... but theres also the fact none of your past attempts at escape had been successful, nor did you ever find any leads. as for actual potential friendship i think you would take the same route as ragatha in the pilot; show her around and explain things to her in a fairly digestible way. as well as this you tend to gravitate towards her during her first IHA until she gets the hang of them; typically making sure she doesnt get lost or hurt, as well as giving her pointers that could help with the task at hand

KINGER:

writing kinger first, you guys are like the dads of the circus. you more so because you still have a decent hold of yourself. you were there when queener/queenie abstracted, and you were there for kinger during the still on going grieving process. as for actually friendship ideas, you two just sit and talk to one another. thats it, really. i could go on about all the things you two do together, and i probably would since kinger is my favorite and this post is literally about my oc... but i truly dont see these two getting up to anything insane outside of IHA. kinger needs someone to help him fill the silence, and you would be there. and vice versa, i think... bonus, you dont like bugs but you still grin and bare it while listening to kinger rattle on about his cool bug facts... i think that would be nice..

ZOOBLE:

optimistic dad who likes fishing and moody teen who bullies kids on roblox. thats literally the dynamic, except again, zooble is an adult and the reader has no kids... but hey its the same energy. tries to get zooble to engage with IHA but not in a pushy way but more in like... an inviting them to pair with them for comfort and security kind of way. sure you understand that they dont like them because theyre just so over everything but you want them to be included, especially since the IHA are meant to stimulate your minds and keep you guys grounded

GANGLE:

honestly i think you just adopt half of the cast at this point, the only people who arent your kids are ragatha caine and kinger... everyone else gets passed around in split custody/j now onto gangle, you probably try to give her peptalks to make her feel better as well as fixing her comedy mask anytime it breaks. as well as this i think you and her sit down and do arts n crafts together, perhaps even making new masks altogether... i like to think gangle hears a few... things about the others and knows things since shes so quiet and in the background so theres definitely some 'gossip' between the two of you... but not in a shit talking way, no i dont think either of you are like that, rather more so just talking about the others

BONUS STUFF:

you call gangle, zooble, jax, and pomni generic 'dad nicknames' so like. think sport, champ, bud, pal. stuff like that, with varying reactions... i think gangle wouldnt fight it and actually appreciates it. zooble scoffs and rolls their eyes, jax plays into it while loudly and obnoxiously calling you dad. (whenever you ask him to do something he loudly goes like "okay DAAAAAAD" before likely not doing the thing that was asked of him), pomni is just confused really since shes not all that used to it. huh. guess youre a dad of 4 now

you and ragatha tend to clean up after the others, leaving you two alone and you guys just. talk as you clean. probably do impressions of the others in a really comical and dramatic as well as exchanging stories

you and kinger hunt for new pillows to add to his fort. you try to coax him into stepping out of the tent and explore the grounds, so far you're unsuccessful

touching on the gossip thing from gangles part caine probably tries to ask you for some "juicy drama" about the others. who is having issues with her, whos crushing on who, stuff like that... i think caine would try to play matchmaker if there actually is someone who has a crush on someone else... this goes for the current cast as well as those who have come and gone from the digital circus (cough cough abstracted)

[delusional-mishaps]

I am back!

And I would like to request for Error x Reader headcanons! I needs more fluff with my glitchy boi.

Like him getting a crush on reader! How would he act around them? How would he court them? Especially if Reader is a little shit and he’s like oh god I’m in love with this idiot-

SORRY FOR NOT ANSWERING SOONER 😨

manbaby in denial manbaby in denial manbaby in denial

as soon as he finds himself thinking about you he cuts all contact.

or... he tries to.

he is a very lonely man and he misses you </3

he still tries! but when all his thoughts are devoured by your lovely face and your voice and your idiotic tendencies...

URGGG!!! GET OUT OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!

he'll come trudging back all mopey and moody

"what the hell happened to you? aww did you get your ass beat?"

and when he just stares at you with a death glare and you start to get nervous...

"please im sorry for teasing you whats wrong 😰😰"

meanwhile he's staring at you like "why are you stuck in my head. i hate you. what kind of witchcraft did you use on me. why do i want to kiss you. OH MY GOD I WANT TO KISS YOU???"

thus he realizes he likes you. and he crashes. and youre left just staring at him waiting for him to reboot worried as hell because he hasnt said anything to you and why did he crash????

the next few days are :) odd :)

he'll appear randomly. and he'll leave randomly. and he'll crash randomly. and he refuses to give you ANY explanation why he's acting like this

meanwhile he's fighting himself internally the whole time. he wants to spend time with you because he likes you for some god awful reason, but if he were to distance himself this crush would go away wouldnt it?

does he want it to go away? he... isnt sure. he likes how you make him feel, even if it is sometimes nauseating

then things start to appear in your home. small things, most of which you dont notice. until it's things that realistically you shouldn't have. why are there floating rocks on your mantel? how are they floating?

he'll brush it off if you ask him about it.

"don't worry, it's fine. do you like them?"

if you really dont, he'll get rid of them

though, you asking makes him think his gifts aren't good enough for you. you wouldnt ask about them if you really liked them, would you? he has to up his game.

he also gets really particular about his appearance. if he does want to get with you, he has to make sure he's attractive. right? his old, smelly, ratty clothes wont do. he needs new things.

he makes them all from scratch :) and!! he'll perhaps fashion you a few new outfits while he's at it!

he gets very clingy once he accepts it. yeah, he has a crush on you. that means you're stuck with him.

spends more time around you. his love language may be quality time.

dude honestly has no idea what theyre doing. theyve never really felt this way?? about anyone?? EVER??? how do they romance you? do they just tell you?????

simple answer: yes!

they drop in one day, a ball of nerves and probably almost on the brink of crashing because they realize youre actually probably too good for them and why would you even like them? theyre rude to you, theyre rude to others, theyre so selfish...

but when they see you... oh, you're so stunning, even if you are only in your lounge clothes, hair messy and eyes still sunken-in with the look of sleep. certainly not the best youve ever looked, but what do they care? they... they love you.

and they tell you, awkwardly standing in the middle of your living room. they proclaim their love for you, however jumbled in the explanation of their feelings

and theyre so transparent with you in that moment... so vulnerable and open, letting their soul sing out for you, words spilling from their mouth without filter.

and finally, when they say everything

you say "i love you, too"

[krisp-xyz]

ok I'm gonna ramble about outer wilds.

if you haven't played it, even if you don't typically care about spoilers, PLEASE avoid spoilers bc this is the most delicate game ever when it comes to spoilers due to the way it's designed. it's one of the few games where spoilers WILL rob you of the experience. with that said,

OUTER WILDS SPOILERS

this is a very very special game to me fgkjldfjk the ending was really beautiful when i first played and the more i thought about and processed it, the more it really stuck with me to the point where i *will* just cry if i think about the ending too much and god i cannot play through that ending again without sobbing. since im assuming people reading this have played the game, yall already know the nature of the game. the only thing you have to gain from anything is knowledge, and once you beat the game, you cant really ever play it again. sure you could maybe go for achievements or explore things you never saw but the experience is kinda just over.

I very much interpreted the ending as being about death. the game has the whole supernova time loop thing going on which sorta makes the idea of respawning a canonical aspect of the game. the fact that you can just hop back into your ship and you dont really have repercussions from death which is a pretty much synonymous with games as a whole tbh is a canonical aspect of the game that you the player AND you the hearthian traveler exploring the universe are a part of. this doesnt immediately seem to special and didn't even click with me very much until quite a bit after i beat the game, but to beat the game is to accept that you're going to die, and truly dying in this game is kinda the closest media has come to communicating what death really means for me at least. you start aimlessly wandering this star system and eventually start to piece things together, you make goals and eventually figure out how to beat the game, etc. all the knowledge you have to gain in this game leads up to the ending. maybe you stop the supernova and save everyone! maybe thats why you're trying to find the eye of the universe! but no, all the stars are dying. you were just unfortunate enough to be born at the end of a dying universe. There's nothing you can do because death is inevitable for you and those around you.

to beat the game is not only to accept that the sun will explode for the last time, that the end of the experience is inevitable, that all your hearthian friends will die for good, but beating the game also requires accepting that *you the player* have reached the end of this experience, *you the player* cannot hang onto anything forever, that the end was inevitable for you too. sometimes i get genuinely sad that i can basically never play this game again, and i almost wonder if my little hearthian protagonist felt similar during the end of the game. that feeling of the inevitable end finally reaching us.

AND DESPITE IT ALL, you finally accept that you are not immortal, that this will not last forever, that the sun cant keep exploding and looping and exploding and looping forever, when you finally accept death on your own terms, when you have no idea of what's in store for you and what will happen next but you take that dive anyway, you just,, get to share a moment with the people close to you. you sit around the campfire as everyone's music comes together for the first time, once *literally* worlds apart, now, in harmony, as the little audio cues to find your friends on each planet become a symphony. they each share messages about how they feel and every single fucking one resonated with me so much sdjklfsklj stuff like "you cut it a little short dont you think?" and "i got to be a part of something really cool, so I've got no complaints" and "the future depends on the past, even if we wont get to see it" and MY FAVORITE FUCKING LINE FROM THE ENTIRE GAME. solanum, the only non-hearthian character around the campfire, a nomai, one of the species that made this all possible, a friend, says something different. she says that this is the end of our journey, and she asks you a question. she just asks if you're ready. its not required to say yes to finish, its not even required to talk to her to beat the game, but if you say no, she will ask again if you are ready whenever you talk to her afterwards, while leaving a message for you in case you are not ready for it to end. she says "its tempting to linger in this moment where every possibility still remains, but unless they are collapsed by a conscious observer, they will never be more than possibilities." when you finally take your final plunge in this moment, you watch the universe collapse before you, remarkably similar to all the times you watched the sun explode before your eyes, and you die.

even though you the player are clearly still alive, (its just a video game after all :p) the experience is over. you died in a way too. this world is no longer yours to explore and discover. after the credits theres a very nice touch where you see the start of a new universe after you enter the eye and the entire universe dies before you. you see some new creatures huddled around a campfire together to remind you that death isn't the end, because "the future depends on the past, even if we wont get to see it" and that maybe it was enough to be a part of something cool, to share those moments with your friends, to explore the universe in whatever unique way you did.

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS ECHOES OF THE EYE

DLC spoilers beyond this point ofc.

if you're like me or countless other players, you probably wanted more, well I've got just the news for you!! theres a DLC !!!! "but wait, doesnt this defeat literally the entire purpose of the game?" yes :D but that's not a flaw, in fact they do this in the best way possible. the DLC challenges the message of the game because there is a fundamental aspect of death that the game barely even touches that the DLC explored *thoroughly*: fear.

chances are, you realize you can beat the game and go beat it and are immensely moved and equally confused by the ending because it takes so much time to process that you never really have a moment to fear death. theres never a moment where you are scared of what comes next because it doesnt really click that this is the end of everything until after the end. in my opinion at least, this is pretty much the only flaw with their portrayal of death and the DLC remedied this.

so it turns out you want more and weren't ready for this to end! its time to explore the owlks and their contributions to this story. im not going to explain their story in depth because im assuming people have played ofc, but key traits with the owlks is that they feared loss. they archived what they wanted to destroy, they lost their home beause of the efforts they made to reach the eye and were horrified, they tried to escape by hiding in a world of their own creation. they hid the eye to prolong the life of the universe as infinitely far as they could. they stumbled across a way to similarly archive one's consciousness, and conquer even death itself, but it was all out of fear. they couldnt accept the end so they hid from it.

and let me just say THE DLC IS FUCKING SCARY. they lean into horror and I think everyone should play it even if they arent into horror. the puzzles arent actually too challenging in execution, and making the discoveries you need is no sweat if you've gone through the base game tbh, although it is very different in a very refreshing way. The real challenge and the real roadblock is fear. some of the things you are required to do are immensely scary and put you into situations you frankly dont want to be in! but if you quit, if you dont do this out of fear, if you hide and if you try to escape this, you're just like the owlks. you dont get through this by not being afraid, you get through this by not letting your fear paralyze you. you need to face your fears (often quite literally as you need to lure owlks away from things and I think its a nice touch that they can also hide from you by turning off their lights and then they can still see you by shining their light towards you even if yours is off FUCK that but this is a bit of a tangent lsdkfgljsd) and if you succeed where they failed, you learn one of the biggest mysteries of the game. you learn why the eye's signal vanished as fast as it appeared, why the nomai failed to find it as effortlessly as the owlks did, but more imporantly, you make a friend :] you meet the owlk that enabled the eye of the universe to be found with a brief decision that they made in a single moment so long ago. the efforts to build upon what the prisoner did were not in vain, and the prisoner accepts death by literally walking into the water as their light goes out. they leave a final message for you, urging you to ride into the exploding sun with them by your side, and you know its time to go beat the game again.

hopefully at this point the ending has sat with you long enough for you to realize what this means. now, more than ever, this is finally the end of the game. you wanted more and you got more but that desire for more similarly cant last forever. the game still needs to end and this is why there should never ever be another DLC for this game please,, a desire for more and a fear of the end kinda come hand in hand, and the fears that you chose to face were not in vain. this is it! theres nothing else! maybe you're sad that the game is ending for the last time, and maybe you still dont want it to end. but in those final moments around the campfire, solanum isn't the only non-hearthian friend around the campfire :] the prisoner is there too wondering if they even deserve to be there after what their kind did, but its over now, everything worked out. they say something really simple that was, without a doubt, the perfect addition to the game for me:

"...How beautiful. It’s different than I’d envisioned.

Whatever happens next, I do not think it is to be feared."

I think one of the reasons this game resonated so much with me is something that I really struggled to grasp until I watched shammy's outer wilds review. there's something so much more significant about *being* rather than just, observing. tons of movies try to tackle these ideas of death and even plenty of games, but with outer wilds, *you* are having this experience that will end that you can never have again. *you* are exploring a world in your own unique way that cannot last forever. and I think that's ok. I think that's what makes it special.

I'm a game dev and an artist and I think outer wilds is genuinely profound. it makes me want to make something that touches people in the way I felt touched by outer wilds. I'm so happy things aligned for me to get to use this same medium for art. I'm gonna go cry now thanks for reading <3

[dreamychuu]

Hey is it possible if u can do cute fluff seperate headcanons of hiiro, nazuna, rei x reader where the reader is an energetic and sweet fan saying her admiration for him of his asking for a hug picture with him? Can u also state their reactions and the type of hugs the characters give pretty pleeease?

A/n : many detail's blow my brains out, i have no idea how to make headcanon im sorry if this is actually do not count as headcanons. I hope this is long enough for you! , and please enjoy! (I think im gonna update my rules after uploading this)

-

๑ - mesmerizing in my eyes

╰┈➤ - Warning/info : no use of spesific pronouns only (you/your) for the reader , a random fan acting creepy (not reader) , not proofread im too sleepy

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Hiiro amagi | catcher hug

◇ I think he's not used to hug someone

◇ and if he do hug you tightly until you got suffocated.

◇ or he will hug you in a "catcher hug" Either if you jumped on him or he is the one who carry you.

◇ both of his hand wrapping it self of you while your Hands in his shoulder as the bot of you stare at each other eyes while he let out a chuckle.

◇ But if he does you need to hold on him tightly so you wont fall

◇ overall hug his 7/10! But if were talking about his carrying kind of hug its 4/10 (you can fall at any times especially if you got to mesmerize by his beautifull eyes)

-

◇ You are very excited when your friend invite you to go with them to Alkaloid meet and greet! Especially the fact that you will meet the leader of alkaloid "hiiro amagi", the person you truly admire and the one who always shine in your eyes.

◇ when its finally your turn to met him , you definitely just jumped right in front of him and start talking about how amazing he is! Leaving your friend confused.

◇ and basically you tell him about how much shining and talented he is , especially when he is new to the idol Industry!

◇ at first he will be caught of guard by you suddenly apper in front of him but hearing you talk to him about how happy you can finally met him , making him smile.

◇ will be very happy and start following your move (ex. When you randomly start jumping while talking to him cause BEACUSE of how excited you are)

◇ he might start to feel bad that he doesn't know anything about you! Especially when you're the sweetest person he ever met (or the sweetest fan)

◇ Seeing how close you look with hiiro makes Tatsumi and Aira laugh while Mayoi doesn't pay any attention. (he was too nervous okay)

◇ aira whispered something to tatsumi ears before he do as aira pleased and approached the both of you

◇ he offer you to take a hug photo together with hiiro.

◇ being an energic person + and beacuse of excited you're , without hesitation you immediately accept tatsumi's offer.

◇ as you and hiiro facing each other you thought he will hug you a good 'ol bear hug but you were wrong...

◇ he suddenly carry you and hugs you in a catcher hug hug except he is the one who carry you instead of you jumping in his arms. he laughs happily as you froze by the sudden move.

◇ but finally you come to your senses again when aira has started counting.

-

"1 , 2 , 3 , CHESEE", aira said while taking a photo of the both of you. in the photo you both look like a couple.. if people doesnt know that you are just an idol and a fan, you probably will get him in trouble.

even after the photo shoot you didn't let go of the hug and with that , he didn't let go of the hug either.

You two was giggling at each other before you finally heard your friend called your Name indicating your turn is up to and you have to part away with him.

after that you were putted back down by him and ran to your friend who was waiting for you. but before you turn around , you shouted at him who was still staring at your direction.

"you're my favorite person! i wish you nothing but unlimited happiness just like the happiness you have brought to me!"

he was a bit surprised by your statement but he still replied with "thank you!! I will try my best to keep you feel the happiness!!". before you finally left with your friend.

after the words fell out of his hands , he felt a poke on his shoulder.

"Come on, hiiro," Aira said while pulling the red-haired boy hair running toward the rest of the alkaloid member. He looked back to the direction you dissapear one last time with a smile on his face.

Being an idol isnt his reason to be here, but knowing he bring someone happiness make him glad that he became an idol.

-

Rei sakuma | intimiate hug

➹ this man will hug in a one of those loving couple position and im SERIOUS (man is the king of fanservice)

➹ and while so he definitely will tease you about the hugging position you're in with him!

➹ the position is similiar with intimate hug but you guys arent actually couple.

➹ at first it would be a normal hug but when you let go a bit he pull you into the intimiate hug!!

➹ one of his hand on your waist as he grab your hand and wrapped them around him.

➹ if you're shorter than him you have to look straight up to his face with a mischievous on his face.

➹ if you're taller than him you have to look down as his hand on your face start to pull you down closer to his face!

➹ anws when you both pull out the at the same time the sound of a scream came from koga meet and greet room.

➹ what happen you ask..? He get caught of guard by a random fan that sneak out to his meet and greet room!.

➹ BUT YEAH overral his hug is 8/10 (bonus 1 point for the romantic move)

-

➹ it was finally your turned to meet with one and only leader of demons or what we can call the dear "sakuma rei"

➹ The meet and greets are held separately for some reason but maybe its for the agency profit

➹ so if there are fans who want to met them all will pay more. but it doesn't affect you of course because you just want to meet the dear sakuma rei!

➹ before entering the door, You excused yourself to the guard next to the door.

➹ when rei realized that someone just get in he moved his head around to greet the person.

➹ when suddenly he got cut off by you who jumped in front of him so fast while pulling out a gift out of your little bag.

➹ he just stare at the gift on your hand as his mouth can be seen in a "0" Shape. Showing that he was Impressed and shocked by your sudden burst out energy.

➹ after thanking the gift. He start interrogate the gift as you can be heard saying that you really admire him and think that he is very talented!

➹ he smiled st your statement and before he wanted to answer your ramble the sound of someone laughing can be heard in the room

➹ it turns out that kaoru is walking around to the others meet and greet rooms while its his break time!

➹ "how about you two take a hug photo together? I think this dear would like it" , kaoru said to rei

➹ the both of you nod indiciating that the both of you agree.

➹ he moved and stand in front of you as he pull you into a normal hug that a fan and an idol will always have!.

➹ but after the long hug you wont let him go making a idea pop out in his head.

-

After kaoru taking a picture of you and rei hugging, kaoru pulled down his phone. Rei expect you to pull out of the hug but unfortunately you didnt

He was thinking for a while as a idea pop out of his hands. As he change the Position and put his hands on your waist followed by his face move closer to you.

Its not just his face that moved closer but his hand actually pull you closer to him as he pull you to an "intimiate hug".

kaoru was definitely suprised by the vampire move but decided to laugh it off and secretly take some picture.

But of course the moment was ruined by a scream of a certain wolf boy.

"WHO ARE YOU!?? GET OUT!!!", koga scream as he grab a random stick and point it out towards the window.

Kaoru's attention was diverted away from you as he went out of rei's room to koga room while calling the security to follow him.

Rei sighed as the both of you pulled out of the hug. "Maybe its your time to go, sorry that your time have been disturbed..", he said while looking at the other direction.

You tug his cloth sleeve making him look at your direction once again.

"Thank you for being my favorite , I hope the problem will be resolved quickly and hopefully you will feel the same happiness that I feel because of you!" , you said before finally exiting the room and leave him.

he looked towards the door one last time and let out a chuckle before smiling.

"Hearing you say that alone already make's me feel happy"

-

Nazuna nito | bear hug & side hug

✮ nazuna give the BEST HUG you ever had in your intire life

✮ he is literally ra*bits nii-chan! Of course he give the best comfort hug ever.

✮ if i could rate his hug i think it will be, for the creative move 3/10 BUT FOR THE MOST COMFORTING AND WARMEST HUG IT WILL BE 10000000000/10

✮ HEAR ME OUT BEAR HUG NAZUNA! , BEAR HUG NAZUNA! , BEAR HUG NAZUNA!, AND BEAR HUG NAZUNA!

-

✮ one day he was going to the amusement park with the rest of the ra*bits member

✮ and at the same time you were there too, waiting for your friend in front of the cotton candy machine.

✮ until you saw nazuna approaching to the cotton candy machine making you all excited!

✮ what is nazuna doing here!?, is he going on a vacation?!?? , is he approaching you!!?

✮ nazuna does notice how someone beside the cotton candy machine was staring at him as he take on of the cotton candy.

✮ some how just by looking at you caught hus interest and thats why he decided to walk closer and introduce himself.

✮ he would be flattered when you suddenly said how much you admire and adore him so much after he tell he was "nazuna nito" The Ex - ra*bits leader.

✮ a blush apper on his face when one of the rab*bits member apper behin him and offer you to take a hugging pictures with him.

✮ after all you're so sweet , of course the dear yellow haired boy would loved too if you want to take a picture with you , right?

✮ i don't think nazuna have a weird or some unexpected kind of hugs.

✮ he will pull you in good ol' bear hug

✮ if you're taller than him. Your hand will be on his back While one of his hand on your neck with the other one on your back.

✮ if you're shorter than him it would be the same but just reserved.

✮ after the hug you doesnt immediately pull out making him confused but he just went along with it and give you a little pat in the head/the back of your Head.

✮ a called of your Name can be heard from a familiar voice as the Voice get closer.

✮ You then remember that your first destination here is just to wait or your friend. finally.

✮ and oh well..?

-

Hajime let out a small chuckle as he adjust the camera he was holding. The two of you looks like already deep into the hug maybe its beacuse of how much you adore him..?

whatever the reason Hajime thought it was cute! even though at first he was a little afraid that you would refuse his offer.

and after taking a few photos with Nazuna asked you to take a picture with a "one sided hug" Too, finally your photo session was over.

But that doesn't mean your hugging session was over. As You don't let go of your hug made the boy shocked and froze.

Hajime once again laugh at the both of you. But After being stuck in that position for a while, a shout of your name calling can be heard from afar.

oh yeah... you remembered... you were near tge cotton candy machine because you were waiting for your friend.

As You finally let go of your hug and looked Nazuna right in the eye. "I hope you feel true happiness like the happiness you gave me", you said followed with a sweet smile apper on your face.

he replied with a smile too and said goodbye when he saw you walking away towards your friend who was looking for you.

"Thank you..."

[despite-everything]

i feel like every time i finally feel at peace about going no-contact with my mother something happens again that makes it sickening and one of the hardest things i've done.

i don't think i've ever burst into tears like this before. i dont even cry that often but im just really fucking going through it tonight. my mother texted me photos of the land she's bought down in central texas to build a ranch house on. when i was a kid, my grandparents had ranches. my grandmother was raised on one, too, and its gone back in our family. so i grew up on the ranch for holidays, long weekends, and portions of the summer. when my grandmother died and my parents divorced when i was a preteen, i went with my dad and my connection with that side of the family was almost severed because of my mothers tendency to spread lies and rumors which made me and my father unwelcome. a few years ago, the ranch became public property which is something im grateful for, but its weird to go back and visit, and i live nowhere near there anymore.

i basically went no-contact with my mother two years ago when she used my grandfather's death against me in a really terrible way. that was my grandfather who ranched. i long to be back in central texas. i feel so at home there. but im trans and unless i get one of a few very specific jobs (probably in austin) i wont go back and that breaks my fucking heart. my mother still texts me sometimes, and i havent blocked her because ive been informed of major family news from her even though i cant respond. she bought some land a few months ago and is building on the property and is going to move back to texas. she sent me update photos of the land tonight as well as a story about a beautiful coyote skeleton picked clean by buzzards on the property. i was the family member who collected bones from the ranch. i genuinely burst into tears when i saw the photos.

and then she followed up by talking about how she intends to build a small ranch house and a small guest house for friends and family to feel welcome and visit. and i just can't stop crying. that's all i've ever wanted. my grandparents had several ranches, but sold them. they asked every other person in the family if they'd be willing to take it over and manage it except for me - the one person who had always wanted to do that. but no one asked me and it was at a tumultuous time in my parents marriage so i didnt know until years later and too late. and theres almost no chance in hell i could ever afford property like that unless i inherit. and since all the ranches were sold and my grandparents are dead, i don't think that will ever happen to me. the ranch they lived on was The Ranch in the sense that it had a guest cabin and enough space for family to visit and at holidays there'd be 12-15 of us. i fucking miss that so much and theres no way to get it back and i know that but the fact that my mother is managing to re-create that same thing and i can't be part of it without hurting myself immensely is so sickening to me.

like i feel like im rambling and just sound stupid or ungrateful or something but its like ive been coming to terms with the fact that i'll never have an intact family again and im never going to have access to "home" unless i create one from scratch and i miss living in texas even with the bad parts and i miss the ranch and my family and this woman who has hurt me so fucking much suddenly gets to have this amazing life where she's becoming the new family matriarch and creating a place for everyone to gather and be happy hurts so so so much. im scared i will forgive her. ive cut her off then accepted her back before and it only made things worse. if i know whats good for me i'll stay away. but it's like the thing i've wanted more than anything else in the entire world is being dangled in front of me but if i accept it i might as well kill myself.

[upsidedowngrass]

reading your and jaspers posts about bryce with silent admiration because im too scared to contribute but i really love bryce so much hes my girlfriend and my husband and i like hearing u guys talk about him because youre Right. especially as someone who struggled from grief and trauma and being abused i think bryce's case interests me more than any of the other characters (even though liam is my favorite, and it says a lot because i find all of them interesting) because there is so much to him. i doubt he has processed a single thing about what happened. i think stellas death was recent too honestly, within the last few years at least, and he copes by... not coping. burying himself in work and drinking in the hopes to forget about it. not even to mention the fact that in episode 7 it showed him driving home drunk personally i feel he was past the point of caring to the point of engaging in risky/dangerous behaviors (this speaks for itself, i dont think i need to say why). i think that the plane impacted him so much that within those 7 months after leaving he got his shit together. i cant speak for if hes totally sober or not but at the very least he doesn't drink as much as he used to and i doubt he's putting himself in danger anymore. to be honest i think bryce is one of the characters who has changed the most because of the plane, which makes him being rejoined all the more interesting to me. im probably just making shit up but i like to read into it a little more than "bryce and liam were getting along but now theyre separated and liam has to fix it oh no". sorry this ask is kind of word vomit im not in the headspace to tidy it up but i hope you get what i mean

i think if one had continued for longer than it did it would have been interesting to explore bryce finally accepting and coming to terms with his past (him not seeing his childhood home in the wr anymore kind of representing this). i love bryce and he deserves to heal

TY!!!!!!! im glad my thoughts warrant admiration to you :D!!!!!!!!!!! (i will say tho that every time uve ever posted YOURE thoughts i am like ohhhhh.... ur SO RIGHT. i think u have some of the BEST interpretations of the one characters ive seen!!!!!)

(talked SOOO so much .so there is a readmore :) )

brcye really IS such an interesting character???? ik ive said it before but i AM biased towards protagonists so i usually focus on liam but like ...... bryce really IS probably one of the more. indepth ? characters in one in terms of like. background and how he Acts. i think ALL of teh characters are written really incredibly but i think, given how much of his bg is clarified (esp in contrast with how little is shown of the other characters lives pre-one) his motives, personality, emotions all end up being SUPER super elaborate and i REALLY love how he was written ??

(that said i think the reason he IS elaborated on sm is bc like. one doesnt elaborate on character backgrounds like MOST of the time. even charlotte is mostly left up to interpretation, bc one is more about the HOW people respond rather than WHAT made them respond that way. but charlotte and bryce are both outliers, and bryce ESPECIALLY so. because both obviously have Things they havent worked through properly, but bryce is directly just. Living in it. its the fact that he WONT acknowledge the actual Things that hapepned enough to heal that warrants the elaboration. while the other characters stop acknowledging ANYTHING about their lives , save for charlotte, who gradually works out her issues themselves, because THATS whats effecting her, bryce is CONSTANTLY just. he Needs to go back, but his problems ARE about what happened, and the fact that his life outside of the plane was what MATTERED to him, but that even then, he just Wouldnt acknowledge that life when he Needed to. idk if that makes sense but ohhh i think about the decision to elaborate on some characters and to not on others bc it feels Important)

hes so. he mirrors all of the contestants in some ways, but he mirrors amelia a LOT in that both of them respond to trauma by Setting It Aside. like That Trauma Cant Affect Me If I Dont Look At It. like. ur right bryce has NOT processed ANY of his trauma. which like it makes SENSE bc. it prob feels so much easier to him to not think about it by drinking instead, because its a Lot to think about. its a Lot to come to terms with. but bc he WONT acknowledge it but its still AFFECTING him he just gets More and More miserable (the detail about him driving home drunk and not even caring is so. :( )

what IS one of the most. compelling? aspects of his character to me is the way he responded to Everything after getting eliminated. bc it just feels So Real. because he IS healing, not completely, and not in the best way, but he clearly like. started putting SO much work into improving his life??? (the detail of him finally getting an end table for his bed instead of just... using a cardboard box ALWAYS gets to me. and that + the fact that the photo of stella is put up makes it seem like. THATS what was in that box. he LITERALLY started Unpacking thigns. its like poetry to me.) because it IS hard, and i think hes still putting things to the side, shoving the trauma from the plane to the side now instead of all his other grief and trauma. and the removal of the cans from his room yknow?? that hes getting up for work on time now?? its like. yeah i agree idk if hes necessarily SOBER yet but he really does seem like hes working really hard

its not perfect, but its BETTER and it feels. correct?? (and tbh? trying to brush off the plane as a dream isnt even teh worst thing he couldve done with that, i think, bc reasonably what WAS he supposed to do w that experience?? i dont think there WAS a good answer) bc the plane was a whole new kind of trauma. and i think surface level, one would THINK hed get WORSE after further trauma but like. i think he DID in some ways but in the ways that actually affected how he acknowledged and responded to his pre-existing trauma DID get better bc, as he puts it, hed Thrown his life away before, and didnt want to do it again. bc this time, he very well couldve died. and while he was on the plane, being home, on earth was SO much better than the plane, and it recontextualized Everything. hell, maybe after that, the earth finally felt Less daunting, like somewhere he Wanted to be, because for once, he WANTED to be back, and rationalizing That and the fact that he got Lucky, that something Worse couldve just full on Killed Him Forever really DID mean he didnt WANT the worse to come, at least not as much as before. but that meant he HAD to start actually Working on improving things, and i think he may not have Intended to acknowledge Worse things, but simply because the things he had to do to improve his life, like drinking less, making his house more Livable, they all Forced him to think about things More. hes still certainly not thinking about them as much as he Should, hes still not Processing things, but hes Heading in the right direction . he really was SO changed by ONE

and then liam showing up forces him, once again, to think about something he tried to push to the side. aaaaaaaandd then he rejoins and its so. it feels thematically fitting and IS so so SO interessting. because for once in his life hes REALLY facing his trauma head on. but then is brought straight back into it. and i need to think about that aspect more bc those thoughts are a bit less Focused than my other thoughts but given how complex his writing is after he gets OUT, its. SO interesting to think about how being BACK affects him

esp bc like. him starting ep 18 Pissed Off- which historically his responses to trauma are to either just Be Shocked, as depicted a LOT in ep 14, or to get Very Vocally pissed, as shown through the first half of s1, esp ep 6, and ep 11, and ep 13, and ep 18. ive seen it written as 'he doesnt have anywhere to direct the sheer amnt of STRESS and fear so he just. ends up yelling at people bc what else CAN he do' and i think thats?? probably fairly accurate. i dont think hes as Constantly Irritable and Irrationally Angry as fanon presents him , bc it tends to be. excessive. but he DOES get reasonably angry in response to stress !!! i always think abt how his body language in the 'credits' scene of ep 6 look like hes yelling at airy. and im. lays on the ground. i dont even know if thats ever as much 'just anger' as it is Fear and it FUCKS ME UP

but the way i see it, that ties to ep 18 a LOT. because he was really Getting better. hell, what he thought was the WORST that could happen HAPPENED (dying) but he. came out OKAY? its like he was being forced to think about and work through his trauma and he survived and was ok. but being sent back is like. 'oh god i did that all for nothing.' but i think it also sort of?? serves as the Last Push for him to really, REALLY acknowledge the plane (which is why it makes sense so thematically for him to be the rejoiner. he WAS the only contestant whod Chosen to ignore it all. but that has nothing to do with the plane, he cant choose if the plane ignores Him.) past talking about its affects, how its affected people. because after everything hed worked toward, hes Back. hes back, and everyone else is STILL HERE. liam had said they were all still There but seeing them there is a whole other thing. hed SEEN the effects of making it out after 7 months. but he never saw what it was like to still BE there after all that time. and bryce CARES about them (fanon sometimes treats him as if he is a bit. coldhearted? but i think people misattribute him being unhappy with liam as him not caring. i think the problem is that he maybe cares too much, and was affected a LOT, but didnt and doesnt know how to handle that. so he WANTS to ignore it, because it was all he could do, and haaving to backtrack on his haphazard healing from the plane is. highly daunting and uncommfortable and terrifying. thats not being cold though, thats VERY different) and now he HAS to acknowledge Everything, has to be a part of it Again. and i think its a combination of 'liam was here for 7 months after we all thought itd only be a few weeks. Anything could happen. who knows how long ill be here for?' and 'liam didnt have anything when he came back. will I have anything when i come back?? will i have worked so, so hard to heal and fix my life for Nothing?' and 'i dont WANT to be here again.' and 'oh my god all of them Really Really Are Here. Theyve been here the whole time.' and i think all that culminates in an appropriate amount of horror, and that prompts him to do what hes STARTED doing, which was All He Can. and hes pissed off cus hes terrified, so he spurs everyone into pulling out the plug. and then. it doesnt work. it doesnt work and thats the LAST of what he had, and i think iirc hes the LAST one to close his eyes afterwards. because hed BEEN off the plane, hes the one of them who had any hope to give them anymore. and it didnt work

(i also think a lot about how it mustve felt seeing the contestants all so. resigned. because bryce was like that before all this, but ever since one began he was stubborn, and didnt WANT to give up. and i think finding out that these people youd seen try so, so hard just to Handle Any Of This be SO resigned would be. so fucked up. he knew amelia when she was so determined to leave, and while charlotte seems a bit saddened by her resignation, bryce was there BEFORE that happened. he wasnt there like liam or charlotte was to see it gradually develop, and to develop that despair alongside them. all hes seen is that amelia was so determined. and that he may not have known her THAT well before, he knows shes different. he knows she Gave Up and like. GOD. and also i think abt how he mustve Felt seeing the plug for the first time because ehs the only one of them who hadnt seen it before (given its likely all the other characters had, since they casually refer to it). and given the short time frame between him getting there, and the contestants trying to pull the plug? it almost seems that that was like. the last straw. and ive never posted it but i once drew stuff abt it bc. the damage to it is noticable. and i think hes already aware liam was fucked up, but this is like. a tangible, permanent record of that on the plane. and he cares about liam, and has been grappling with all the things liams told him, but thats. thats something he can See. And i think it all of it culminates in him deciding that what hes been avoiding is doing Soemthing about all this, because before he couldnt, and then it was. an awful idea to, and then he didnt have many choices BUT to help. but now theres hardly anything to do, but he has to try. he doesnt want to give up. and it makes me soooooooooooooooooo. head in hands.)

anyway that was a LONG tangent the point is. YEAH. i think rejoining would be. very very significant for his character i dont think youre making shit up its DEFINENTLY a topic w a lot of things to discuss about it

but god. yeah it wouldve been SO nice to see him come to terms with everything hed been through before one. i think the show purposefully included what it did and ended when it did because it makes more sense thematically for it to go unresolved, because the point was that NOTHING was able to be resolved nicely because unfortunately, many things are Out Of Their Control. things COULDVE resolved almost perfect but enough things went wrong at just the right (or more fitting, wrong) time for all of that to not work. i think him no longer seeing the suburbs may have signalled more that maybe, just maybe, he could Do something to help the other contestants even if HE was Dead, that now he finally HAS a goal, if that makes sense (though i think even in the timeline of the series it still wouldve taken way longer for him to process everything Fully, they WERE only in the waiting room for probably about a day) but the idea of finally seeing the waiting room as it is bc hed finally worked through everything .... man.............. man

ik ive already said it though but i DO think it is sooooo so possible for him to heal post canon. im a firm believer that no matter what, at LEAST bryce and ameliaa get home (liam and charlotte have more room for error but i DO generally interpret the ending as them both getting home too, theres just less room for things to go wrong w amelia and bryce). and i think after everything? hed be able to heal. it would SUCK but i think hes, shockingly, in a better place Logistically for things to improve, because he has a support system, he has what hed already worked on in those 7 months, he has so much to aim for. it would be rough and take long but i think ultimately? hed be able to heal :) and its what he deserves

[rattlingheart]

i finally decided to sit down and write out how i've been feeling.

Am I selfish? Am I jealous? Am I a bad person to the people I care about? Are they bad to me? I don’t understand why it’s so wrong of me to have wants. All i want is someone for myself. I want someone who would do anything for me at any time. I want to be cared for, i want to be loved and i want to be wanted and needed. Why is that so bad? I want my own person. Everyone else has their own so why cant i have one too? Every time i try to explain it i end up looking like the bad guy. Maybe my actions arent great and maybe i feel things too strong but none of that would matter if i had someone who understood. Nobody ive ever talked to knows what im going through because everyone at one point or another has had their person. They dont know what its like to think you have someone and then lose them to someone else, over and over and over again. At this point it just feels hopeless and im starting to feel like an idiot for ever thinking it could happen. I know it sounds conceited to think im the only person to ever feel this way but thats just how it feels. I want to be wanted so bad it hurts. Every day i spend alone makes me feel worse and worse. I dont know how much i can take. I want someone i can call and theyll answer right away, happy to hear me and ill be happy to hear them. I want to be able to have hours of conversation while also being comfortable with hours of silence. I want someone to think of me in a romantic way. To want to take me on dates and bring me flowers and show me how much they love me. I want to be so yearned for that it makes their stomach hurt. I want someone to be sad when they cant see me and angry when i talk to someone else. I want someone to put my picture in their wallet, or put a photo of us on their lockscreen. To be the first thing on someones mind when they wake up and the last thing before they fall asleep. In my eighteen years of life ive never come close. People say everyone has their time and everyone has their person, and i want to believe that so bad. I wish i could trick myself into being okay by myself and to just accept that my time wil come and that someone will love me but i just cant. Do you know how pathetic that feels? To know you have the potential to love and be loved but to never feel it? To just be fooled over and over to the point of not knowing what it feels like to have a crush anymore, not knowing if they actually want to get to know me or if they just need enough of my interests to get into my bed. I would love for someone to want to know me.

I want someone to know everything about me oh my god. I want to tell them everything about me and they tell me everything about them. I want to know someones deepest secrets and for them to know mine. I want to not be judged for the way i act, think, and feel. I promise i wont judge you if you dont judge me. I just cant understand why this is too much to ask. I want someone to meet my parents and my friends. I want to be a part of someone else's family and theyre a part of mine. I want to be thought of when holidays come around, and for them to know my birthday. I want them to ask if im coming over for dinner or if youre coming to mine. I want to be seen as a pair, if one of us is there then so is the other. It doesnt have to last forever, im not asking for a marriage partner, just a taste. I just want to dip my toes into the pool of love, i dont have to swim in it. Eventually i want to meet someone that just pulls me in with them and drowns me. I want to be smothered with love until it makes me sick. It would feel so much better than being alone. I cant even imagine how it would feel to be introduced as a girlfriend. For someone to show their family and friends my picture and to be excited about it. I hate begging for things but please. Its all ive ever wanted and yet its making me into a monster. I dont feel like myself anymore, i feel like a shell. It feels like my heart is just rattling around in my body making noise for someone to hear her. The butterfly in my stomach is dying, she hasn't fluttered in so long. I want her to be happy again, for me to just think of someone and she does somersaults around my stomach. I want to be nervous to go on a first date, maybe even a second or a third. I want to have a kiss at the end of the date like how it happens in the movies. I want someone to bring me home and want to see me again. I want to be a girlfriend, i cant wait until the day someone asks me. I think ill die right there in that moment. I want to say i love you. I want someone to say they love me every time they see me, every time they leave my presence and every time they enter it. I want people to know that im loved, and to know that i love the person loving me. I want to love someone so hard that just the thought of not having them in my life makes me sick. I want it to make me cry and i want them to comfort me and say it will never happen. I want them to lie to me. So that when the day eventually comes and they tell me they no longer love me I can have faith that ill find someone else to love me. I want to have a breakup that hurts me so bad i cant leave my bed and i stop talking to people for weeks. I want to lay in my bed and rot away just reminiscing over the way they loved me for so long. I want to know the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest and taken from me. I want to know the feeling of growing a new heart for someone else. And for that person to nurse me back to health, back to my original self. I know its strange to want heart break but as someone whos never experienced it, i want to know what its like. I want to experience every aspect of a relationship. I want to fight and argue. I want to apologize and make amends because we both know it isnt worth it to be mad at each other. I want someone to tell me that theyre sorry, and that theyll never yell at me again. I want someone to run their fingers through my hair as i lay my head in their lap. I want someone to hold me, hold my hand, hold my body, hold my heart. I want to put my legs on someones lap and for them to rub my legs just to know theyre there. I want to have someone to grab in a crowded room, to hold my hand so i dont get lost.

I want someone on the same level as me and i pray they never leave me behind. I just want to be loved and cared for the same as everyone else in my life. I want to feel like an equal to the people around me and not like an alien. Ive spent years building myself up for other people to notice me. Ive been noticed, but no one has cared enough to stay. It makes me feel so awful. Ive learned to keep things to myself, to not overshare. I try to go after what i want but it always ends badly, i always end up looking desperate. People use desperate in a bad way but i cant help but think, is that not what i am? I am desperate. I am so unbelievably desperate for someone to want me. I cant sit with my own thoughts or it starts to make me physically and mentally ill. I need someone to share them with. I need someone to talk to. I need somebody to be there for me. I need my own person. Someone i dont have to share and someone who will always be there when i need them. Someone who will know i need them before i even realize it. I think if i had someone to pour my thoughts onto and pour all of the love inside of me, id be doing a lot better. Im just scared that what if i find my person but they dont want me in my current state? What if im too much to handle and too much to take care of. I guess theyre not my person then. When i finally do find my person, someone just for me, they will love me for who i am, what i am, and they will see the good in me. Is that too much to ask?

[magnoliamyrrh]

Is it possible for childhood sa memories to never consciously resurface and the victim spend their entire life unaware of what happened to them?

...... i dont see why not really. i dont know how common that is, but id place my money on it happening at least to some

i mean, there's plenty of cases of people figuring out/theyre told they have trauma-based disorders such as DID in their 50s,60s,70s etc - so, most ot their life they remembered only small or certain parts of trauma compared to the full scope, or perhaps not much of it at all; they may spend most of their lives with entire gaps of years in their childhood memory without knowing... and the DID will protect the most active or "host" part of them from the worst ptsd symptoms for some time. i dont see why its not theoretically possible for someone to take this to the grave never knowing really. i have also heard of cases of peoples trauma of csa not coming to them until their abusers are dead and they know theyre dead, and thus the brain finally feels safe (especially heard this in the case of family members) - so, this may come when they are in their 40s, 50s, or older. its actually rather common from what i know for people to become aware or to accept these sort of traumas later on in life

...... id say tho, DID&OSDD are particular cases in extreme and repeated early childhood trauma induced disorders which create more of a.... level of protection than many have against the trauma (for some parts, while other parts carry the burden). but even without the development of such disorders its rather common for the brain to shut down/repress memories like that, and for the brain to "give them back" later on during teens, early adulthood, or adulthood depending on the individual - either because something has triggered the individual and memory, or because the brain finally feels safe enough to start breaking down those barriers...... i think in Many cases (idk if most but.. maybe most) the brains barriers start breaking down at some point, but perhaps in some cases they do not - perhaps if the individual never feels safe enough for this to happen, or doesnt encounter a particular trigger?

..... it may be the case as well that someone will experience symptoms which stem from csa, or maybe even forms of flashbacks, and that they will have behaviors infleunced by said trauma, but be unable to accept it their entire lives. they may simply keep repressing them and being unwilling to even entertain the idea that anything like that ever happened - in this case maybe there will be a tiny part of them which knows and understands, but for the most part its never processed or accepted. they will just keep building those walls up and pushing it further down - perhaps some can do this their whole lives. they may have intense nightmares or flashbacks, and obvious symptops, but still deny it completely. im sure this sort of thing can be taken to the grave too

...... id also say, this might be the case if were talking about.... earrrrllly earllly csa. i guess im a particular outlier(?) maybe for remembering things, not just trauma, from when i was two years old (i reckon the dissociation has something to do with it too). but many people do not remember much at all, good or bad, from before they were 3-4 years old..... this doesnt mean that csa at those ages wont have lasting impacts and lead to things - some part of the body and mind and subconscious remembers and reacts nontheless - but that it may be harder or perhaps in some cases impossible, to remember details or to make sense of certain symptoms one may be having... (a particularly horrible parallel example of this - of very early intense trauma at least, would be that babies used to get... fucking surgery without anesthesia. horrible. these ppl as adults cant remember this, but theyre still scarred for life and have many many issues. another would be that infant neglect and feeling uncared for, scared, alone for too long as an infant or young toddler is something most may not ever remember, but it still often has consequences).......... maybe my brain in particular is weird af bc osdd&did... and because of psychadelics... and meditation..... ill just say. personally.. i dont think any of us truly, truly ever "forget" anything from the time we are born....not really. somewhere its still there ....... though i would say generally, it is uncommon, maybe very uncommon, for ppl to fully remember much of csa or trauma at those ages. perhaps in these cases it is more likely for someone to go their whole life never really having an idea of what happened to them or why they may have certain issues

,,,,,,, idk. all in all id say, i do think its possible. weather its someones brain never cracking more than just a bit, or repression on top of repression, or taking a dissociative disorder like DID to the grave and having a v exteme case,,, i reckon theres still symptoms in one form or another and infleunces, and it likely come out in dreams and nightmares in some form or another... but i do reckon its possible there have and are individuals who go through life until the end never really knowing or processing it beyond a repressed and subconscious level..... how common that is tho? i really have no idea

[moveslikejaggeria]

im very tired, tumblr dot com. im just very much exhausted. i think about how much i wanted to die just a few weeks ago and how happy i am now. but also,,, how i was right. happiness always comes in such fleeting moments. it sucks. the river is smaller, my dear friends, much easier to cross these days. but it doesnt mean its not still there.

i stopped seeing my therapist. and dietician. neither of them really reached out. fair enough. i think we were just dancing around the inevitable. i am therapist-proof: i repel them. its something about me that just pushes them away. its the me-ness.

i want a family so badly. all my friends are dating!! this sucks!! im so happy for them but wheres MY lover dearest. i hate dating apps though, im done with them. i gotta Know someone to date them and thats so hard over dating apps. alas

im so tired. not so much that its reached my bones, but its definitely deep in my muscles. i went and got a massage. it sucked and was expensive. now im sitting in the shower avoiding going to sleep bc as soon as i do tomorrow has to start. bleh

keep this to yourself porn bots but there was this person i really liked last year and god i was pretty infatuated but theyre not single so i had to get over it but sometimes i still have dreams with them in it and its kinda weird. like ik i cant control my dreams but it Feels manipulative to be in a situation where they are at my brains will. even i wont conform to that. plus then i wake up and the bed’s a little colder. alas

the loneliness is so deep in my bones i dont think itll ever leave, like a tumor they cant remove and you just kinda have to live with it and accept your fate. like a constant reminder that youre not normal or healthy and you never will or can be.

UGH i have TWO (2) meetings tomorrow. one of which is gonna SUCK bc i just have to sit there and be silent. i used to be really good at being silent. im twinning with mae from avatar lol.

i wish i lived in fiction. i wish i lived in a story that the author had all planned out and they had this nice little ending planned where everything was gonna finally be okay and id be happy. i think im trapped in a not-happy ending story. where the author tortures their characters relentlessly

how far away is labor day? i think labor day i’ll clean my apartment and finish moving in. maybe i’ll invite some friends over to keep me company, maybe not. maybe they will be busy or not want to. idk

not even a full week of school and im done. BLEH. i wish my therapist had put up more of a fight. or i had a better therapist. but then i wouldnt be talking to you, tumblr dot com! or maybe i still would. thats the question

there are two kind of depressed people: the ones who write happy endings for characters and imagine themselves AS the character to feel whole and those who torture their characters out of catharsis or to not feel so alone. so i suppose this is all karma for my fictional characters. do you think if i become the former life would be better?

OH tumblr dot com, i know you hate the tiky toky app, but they told me i was gonna find a partner this year! oh can you believe it! and if i listened to this one sound and manifested, i would be rich. oh tumblr dot com, can you imagine? someone to just hold and be held by? someone who you can lay your head against and listen to their heartbeat? someone you can trust with your whole you? oh tumblr dot com, how i do love to go on…

one last thing before i let you continue scrolling, mr porn bot. the happiest day of my life that i can remember is that one saturday last semester. i went to the arcade/golf course/gokart place place with my friends and we spent the day there and then we came home and i got to meet lewberger and see them perform and oh! the day before when i got my picture taken with stinger and got ice cream and knew random facts about greys anatomy and oh,,, to be young again. to live in those moments and just be happy. for that fleeting moment

[toruvi]

ley..honey..jeezus lordy lord

WHAT THE FUCK ISJSJDJANCBBDSJ

I will humbly accept chapter 18 as my reward for accomplishing getting a job today thank you very much!! I am finally adulting a bit more but alas…paychecks levi has me in shambles once again and you have given me whiplash over my emotions :))))

I WANNA GIVE YOU A BIG OL HUG AND A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD FOR GIVING US THIS CHAPTER TODAY WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED IT AND MAKING IT BOTH SENTIMENTAL AND ✨SPICY✨ like the part of Levi talking to his mom, I cried and I don’t normally cry but hell that shit got me BAWLING 😭😭😭 how dare youuuu and then it went into A HNADJOB IN THE CAR AHAHDJDNSJDN it completely destroyed me .. “you look pretty when you cum” ajskdkdkc I SAID THIS EXACT LIJE TO SOMEONE A FEE MONTHS AGO (omg I think I told you about this sort of!! your car sex scene inspired it) AND I SAID THIS AND OMFG I WAS REMINDED OF THAT AND I LOVE IT LEVI GETTING SO FLUSTERED BUT CALLING HER BEAUTIFUL AT THE SAME TIKE !!!!! i breathed that in like fucking oxygen ley omfg

AND THEN THE ASS EATING AGAHAHXJSJJSJS you can officially find me grave somewhere in texas cause I fucking died at that part !!!! I don’t even have the right words to describe what I felt but I felt something and it was amazing

please always indulge in the smut if you see fit, it’s always perfect when you write it and I can never get enough of it (I still go back to the car sex every now and then cause that shit was the hottes thing I’d ever read and now I have this chapter to go back to as well!!!) chapter 15 and 18 are my holy chapters (oh the irony) and I will always go back and read them cause fuuuccckkkkkkkdhajshd they’re so good!!

I literally can’t engish rn cause I’m so overwhelmed with emotions over this and your writing once again and me finally having a job and today has just been a good fucking day!!! I’m so happy today happened and I’m so happy you exist and you share your writing with us all!! <333

(and not to be creepy, but uhhh, I wanna make you a painting of sorts inspired by paychecks levi and possibly mail it to you one day (maybe, possibly! (I will!!)))

omg its vbeen so long since you sent this im so sorry djkhsgjk

im SORRY I MADE U CRY if it makes u feel better i was a mESS writing the scene with his mom. gJHGKJSFG i remember you telling me a bit about it HAHA i m glad you enjyoed it :)

ahh im glad the smut is appreciated ;; i kinda felt silly adding it after i said i wouldnt but….idk im winging a lot of the story atp djskghsjkgh like i have things planned but also some things i just get an instinct to add the last minute lmao AAA im rlyh happy u put 18 on the same level as 15 :') sometimes i worry i wont write anything as good as the smut in that chapter sobs

BUT ALSO CONGRATS ON THE JOB!!! ik this is late but IM STILL EXCITED FOR YOU!! and i hope its going well so far!! (ik you mentioned you're sick but hopefulyl they showed you some mercy dmsfhshjkfd)

ALSO ALSO. NOT CREEPY AT ALL WTFSDFSDHFKJSH i qwould actually cry very happy tears if you ever decided to do that just know i wouldnt be creeped out in the slightest gjkhdfsgjkh THANK YOU SM FOR READING AS ALWAYS ALEX i love u and your very thoughtful and thorough input/reactions to the chapters ;;;;;;; <333333

[jupitercl0uds]

ive just been reminded of stuff oh no

if youve read most of my posts since like mid august, maybe september onwards, youll know that i am STRUGGLING rn. while its been all over the place, having highs and lows, i seriously havent been this bad since 2020/21. i know the reasonable thing to do is take a break, but i cant do that because i have pitiful impulse control atm. that being said, the only thing to really stop me is to deactivate. my main blog's been going for years now, so i dont want to lose everything, though i also get the urge to occasionally.

the issue is, the only times i actually feel almost fully comfortable in a social circle is on tumblr and even then im still scared and awkward. my school friends keep saying really hurtful stuff and while a lot of it is just as a joke, theres almost no time to be serious with them. ive tried. i weakly asked them to stop calling everything retarded more months before finally putting my foot down and demanding, although it took a month of 'retard! whoops, i shouldnt say that' before they just went straight back to it.

my family loves me but i dont like it here. i dont think i even can get into it because its complicated. just know ive seen and HEARD a lot over my short life and its finally starting to catch up to me.

as for the other kids in my school, im in an awkward spot. im honestly fairly 'normal', just with slight outbursts from time to time, but ive always been weird so i always will be. oh, year 9 me, how naïve you were. they don't care if you have an autism diagnosis, if you mask or not, you will NEVER be normal, you will NEVER be accepted and they dont care if theres a reason. if anything, that makes it worse.

im only ever happy when im on tumblr or doing something sonic related. on tumblr, im insecure that nobody really likes me or someone's going to manipulate me, with no amount of reassuring being enough to change that. and as youve already seen me say, sonic is 'too childish', no matter how heavy the themes can be.

this always happens. pre-2020, i didnt really use social media much and i was 11 oldest, so my main escape was roblox/youtube. in 2020-22, i was only happy when chatting to friends on discord. that was ruined when we all started to argue and drift apart. in 2022-23, it was tiktok. this was then ruined when popular kids found my silly waluigi tiktoks and started sharing them around. i havent used tiktok since june and i havent posted a public video since may.

but then, last year, i remembered i had a tumblr account. i started to use it more. and then, when sonic got involved and suddenly i was becoming friends with people, i started to feel my absolute happiest. i was euphoric.

until, of course, my brain struck.

if my birthday werent at the end of august, i think i would be much worse than i currently am, because at least i had a short break to be happy. school was off to a bad start from the very beginning. i didnt sleep the night before my first day, nor did i sleep before the second. what's worse, mum didn't let me stop working at the charity shop i had THOUGHT was for the summer, because, you know, i dont have anything on my plate, im able to just have a designated day of the week where i have to be productive. nope! ive had my days off, but ive still had work every week. is it hard? no! do i have the spoons to go most weeks? also no!

thats not to mention exams. ive always been a well performing student and will be surprised if i fail even 1 gcse, but im not the top of any of my classes, not even the ones im passionate about. no, i dont have to be, i know, but when you grow up as a kid who often IS the top of their year in something, the moment you aren't, you feel like a failure. even if i get all 9s and a d* in drama, there'll be someone who gets more than me in something, and i know i definitely wont get all 9s and a d* in drama. i was proud for a moment, for being top of english, until i found out a girl ive known since primary got a 9 in an english language mock. english language. my favourite english and the subject im best at. needless to say, i was miserable. i barely even slept across the course of my mocks and wont be surprised if i do the same for my gcses.

i sometimes wonder if im just not built for the world, which could honestly be the case. because i have low support needs and my biggest problems are sensory issues (which can be easy to prevent) and social problems, i forget im even allowed to be disabled by autism. but i think that honestly might just be the case.

ive always wanted to be a teacher or an animator, hopefully both, but im starting to wonder if i can do either. animator has such a big workload. teacher also has a big workload, but i know because my family is full of teachers and artists that it's the kind of workload i can manage. but the kids? could i control the kids? could they even take an autistic, nonbinary teacher seriously? again, i dont have high support needs, but its hard not to notice im autistic. of course, if everything goes to plan, i would probably start teaching in the 2030s earliest, 2050s latest, so the world will have changed, but how much?

i get most of these are problems out of my control, but i suppose im just scared and tired of living. that's why i make a million posts a minute: i cant get a word in edgeways with anyone else. that's why i get so apologetic: id get ridiculed for trying otherwise. i get that im annoying and boring. i should know. when i was 3, my dad infodumped about back to the future to me for about half an hour and it was such a tiring experience that it still gets brought up. so i get it, it's annoying when all i care to talk about is sonic. but its the one thing i can care about right now. the world is in ruin and i hate being alive. i dont even have enough motivation to act upon any occasional suicidal/self harming thoughts.

but life goes on and there's no way to stop it.

[ireshshane]

Ineffable sorrow

There's no words that can explain how I feel,The pain is ineffable, wish this feelings can be peel.I want to restart everything.Maybe if that's possible, I wont let you in.I need you but I guess fate just played—Maybe you're just a lesson too,Like everybody else.I'm aware but I cant accept it.I cant accept the fact that we made those memories just to become history,I cant accept that we just met for another lesson,Lessons that would make us wiser, they said.But how about us? What if we want to keep having these lessons without losing the person?What if we want ourselves to grow with the presence of each other?The moments we had, those memories..And looking on the bigger picture,I knew what I exactly needed, and it was you.I will never forget how you treated me so right,So right that I let my guard down and trusted you with all my heart.I thought this was it, I thought we will lastBut I guess our past completely ruined us Our past gave us traumas and toxic coping mechanisms.We never intended to hurt each other but here we are,Acting like strangers,acting like other one's don't exist.And it hurts, because we're from everything to nothing.There's so many things that changed, that I hated.But still I remember how you made my days better,I started my day with you and I ended it with you,I was so broken before but you're the reason why I kept my pieces together,Just to keep moving, just for me to move closer to you.I feel lucky to meet a beautiful soul like you,The way you made me feel safe,The way you dont let me suffer alone,The way you cheer me up,The way you made me feel that I'm no longer alone,To my good and bad days, you were always there.I was happy.I was happy because before you treated me that way, you're so cold.Your shell's thick, you walls are high,And I'm happy that I made it through,I'm happy that I experience this joy that only comes from you,I'm happy that once upon a time I was so in love with you.And its ineffable sorrow to know that its all memories,That it is from the past now, the only history that wont be repeated.And you know what?Old you would be mad if he'll knew how u treat me now.We've became toxic,I cant resist to talk to you even if I'm mad but you can,You abandoned me, you left me for several times,But I was so in love that I just gave everything just to save us,I gave up everything just to fix us,I hurted myself and everyone just to make you okay,I was desperate to keep us.I tried so hard to be understanding,But to see you treat me this way hurts.Im too attached to pull away.But now when I'm finally losing my feelings for you,I thought I was going to be okay, I thought my healing would finally start,But I was wrong..Because suddenly my heart becomes heavy.When Im with you it feel so right.When I hear your voice, calm or not,I knew it was my comfort but my destruction too.You made me feel special but you made me feel worthless too,You took care of me at my lowest but now you're the reason on why I am here.Worst feeling is when I dont want to give up,But I know I have to.I thought it was already the painful feeling that I felt during our relationship,Not until I have to force my heart to stop loving you.But I dont think I could ever hate you—No matter how we hurt each other,I wanted you and I hated myself because I know I would have chosen you no matter what.I could never hate you.And If it wasn't just me, I know its my fault too.Instead of getting silent I wish I could just communicate how I feel.If only I can understand what I feel, if only I can express it.I needed you to understand me.And I always tried to reach out in a way that I'm only capable of and what the best thing I can,I tried so hard but its never been enough,I wish I was wiser, I wish I wasn't sensitive,If you hate me, I hate myself more.All I want is to fix everything but I end up ruining it more.I'm sorry.

[jennifercheckwannabe]

So this is something I wrote a bit back but it's still pretty accurate. Anyways what triggered me to write this was knowing perhaps if i express what im still going through hopefully someone else wont fall for my ex and make that mistake🤣💀 bc trust me the bitch makes dahmer seem sane:

I sit here thinking I finally have you out of my system, not being under your control anymore

But as I sit I check the blank screen waiting for something more, the unanswered messages I get too overwhelmed to read start to pile up and I notice myself suddenly knee deep in a landslide of how your presence still bears its mark on me.

How I cannot follow a conversation without losing complete train of thought halfway through, the level of anxiety I get when facing a window seat at a restaurant because it reminds me of you, how i all.but avoid every phone call now because all i can see are the nights where you were my only solace... How instead of overflowing with wanting to share and be loved and heard I find myself getting quieter at every impulse to reach out.

Muting myself as if it can take away the soul crushing void I feel inside, feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin at the thought of letting another person touch me because what if they hurt me as you have, in such a deep irreparable way.

Despite needing to scream and burn and make every pain I've gone through because of you ten times worse, I stay silent because inherently I am too much. That is the message I was given, that every thing that used to be wonderful about me was suddenly a nuisance, suddenly I was a burden when you had promised you would always love and want me. The hollow promises that you made still ring in my ears, I've tried to move through my pain and come out on the plus side but all I can see is how I'm going to be hurt again. How deep down no one stays with me because they want me, but instead bc they need what I give them. Unconditional love and acceptance and understanding, letting my hollowed out self give endlessly to others while I slowly die more inside every day.

You haunt me in every damn aspect of my life, there are so many triggers and people I now avoid just because they have some similarity to you, how I have almost entirely lost my life because of you. And that is still a thin line I'm constantly walking, edging between knowing I have to stay for others, and my soul screaming for a quiet release, to finally cease all this pain and horror that my mind replays.

All of the things you ruined for me, even my own body repulses me again in such a deep way that I had finally thought wasn't going to haunt me forever.

All I see in others now is the red flags that I'm going to be hurt again, and so I pull into myself more. As if I tried hard enough I could become invisible, and fade from the scenery of life and finally find a cease to my pain.

There is a rage inside of my that boils so deeply it scares me, so strongly that I know I could do unimaginable things if pushed much farther. So instead of letting it be I try to tame it and mask it into something beautiful instead of yet another thing poisoning me.

My soul is tainted from the murdered love that I had, drowned in the deepest way that makes me know I will not fully trust how I trusted you ever again. How can a human inflict such a heartless death upon one they supposedly loved will never make sense to me.

There is a void inside of me, filled with emptiness and all of the shards of my broken love. Unending and all consuming, I fight it daily and now the battle is being won, but there are no Victor's to this battle, only death awaits it is simply a matter of who can last the longest, fighting tooth and nail for a life that I no longer have the will to fight for. Knowing I'll only be happy once there is nothing left but charred bones of the foundation our love could have made. Despite knowing you deserve a horrible place in hell for what you've done, that broken part of me still screams that I had just wanted us, to be together and to be happy. But what really killed me in the end was my love that you never knew how to hold, so instead you threw me away like every replaceable person in your meaningless life. I don't have the words for the level of evil you are, the pain you spread leeches into everything like poisoned runwater, and I am only surviving trying to stay clean from you.

[thebatmandiaries4]

Everybody wishpers in Sunset Boulevard

I drive for two hours today and I was listen to your voices notes meanwhile I crossed Sunset Boulevard. ¿Can you imagine that we made it? After long 15 years here still feels weird, maybe its because I was not born here and instead of you I wasnt raised in Los Angeles. The other day when we shared the strawberry ice cream , I kept with me the napkin you wrote about that letter on the Holly-W hill and thats gets me back to old days. We be so great and usefull for me to have you on that past that you cannot imagine , as you knew and I told you in our travel to Portofino happiness isnt some permanent thing, we are all trying to achieve in life, its merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just susbtantial enough to keep us going as a human being into love relationships. But sometimes we dont get what we want because you deserve better . The people who are mean for you are going to meet you on the sides. You are going to build a new confort zone around stuff that actually move you foward and thats how I want you to do always even if Im not there, just moving foward as you always did. Instead of be liked by the press , or felt iluminated by a cam, you are being able to be loved and save the people you want it most. Instead of being understood , you are going to be seen as just I look at you at the first time, now , everbody in this world is watching you shine , I promise you are going to be seen. When you meet someone who is good enough for you they wont fill you with insecurities by focusing on your flaws , and of course I will take time to know, watch and kiss all that marks. They will fill you with inspiration, because they will focus on all the best parts of you. If I learned something from you in that messenge to the Embassadors and Advocates of the United Nations was I wont ever be ready for what life throws me, I will never be adequately prepared instead. I wont have the right words when it counts for something, not knowing the right answer when fate itself is staring you down, but you came with hope and thats enough for me , bravely accept the fact that I cannot keep my heart safe in better place , and you teach there and learned to stop saying yes when you dont mean it , thats live as aunthentically as you do. Remember how to keep my eyes fixed on the light and my fingers to skirt the darkness , moving forward with the knowledge that unlike so many others. At this point its important stay soft because do no let the things that have hurt you turn you into a person you are not, and I like to think that our story inst over just yet that someday We will meet again and finally get it righ here and this is the way it feels to me. Hope you can understand what Im saying.

#Sof

[buffalowingsfortwo]

august 4th 2022

from faith

ashlyn,

i didn’t write last month because last month was one of the worst i’ve had in a long time. i won’t go into the details (mostly because some of them have already resolved themselves), but the big takeaway is that my mom does not have cancer, being the only one left in your parents house sucks, 300 milligrams of wellbutrinXL is not enough, and bring a blanket the next time you spend the entire night in a hospital waiting room. 

petsmart can suck my dick. curious as to why, but ill take your word for it. fuck petsmart. i've always thought there was this unsaid understanding that if you ever needed me, regardless of what is going on with us or with ourselves, if you call i'll always answer. but ill say it still. there will be times when your heart feels broken, or things in life are all array, things that i wont be able to prevent from happening to you. but you wont ever have to go through those things feeling lonely- that, i can prevent. that, ill never let you be. i am so sorry about pokey, i could tell you loved him. sometimes when i lose things love, or break them or whatever, i find comfort in telling myself that i wasn't prepared for them at the time, we couldn't give each other what we needed. and when the time comes when im older, or more prepared, thats when ill meet them again. maybe in another form, maybe in different ways, but always inevitably mine again. i haven't been wrong yet.

writing these are kind of hard, because i cant remember what you know and dont know. it kind of just feels like you were with me the whole time. we can start with i almost got kicked out of school in january. ACTUALLY, i did get kicked out of school. they disqualified me. luckily, my circumstances were deemed dire enough and the appeal i sent in was accepted so they let me continue under the conditions that i got my grades up. which i did, which i probably owe to the fact that i moved back on campus. the whole thing isn’t such a big deal now, but for weeks during winter break i was hiding it from my parents, having panic attacks every night, crying and dreading every second i was awake. 

that’s how it is though. every time something bad happens, i think its the end of the world. i think, “there’s no way im getting myself out of this one, might as well pack my bags and give up on living the rest of my life”. day to day, i can never concern myself with future issues or taking preventative measures but when i finally do meet those issues i’ve put of my mind for so long, i mourn the hardest. its my worst attribute. where it takes a person 1 mistake to learn, it takes me 5. since realizing this, its the one i work hardest to erase now. prevents me from catastrophizing. plus, its comforting to tell myself that when bad things happen, its not the end of the world. even if i dont believe it.  

“the last few months, i’ve been working on me, baby

there's so much trauma in my life

i’ve been so cold to the ones who loved me, baby

i look back now and i realize”

-out of time by the weeknd