#oleaspur.txt

[oleaspur]

i feel ever so slightly more stable now i have taken so much medication (i am safe just very out of it). thank you to anybody who reached out out of concern

[oleaspur]

tws for psychosis, drug use (weed), hallucinations, delusions, etc. looking for advice.

just copy/pasting the post i tried to upload to reddit (awaiting mod approval) bc im depserate for any kind of support/solidarity here

Hi, I just had what I think was my first ever 'proper' psychotic break, but I'm struggling to feel validated in what I've experienced. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder/EUPD and have a pretty unstable sense of self, so labels to explain my experiences are really important to me, and without them even legitimate experiences of mine I write off as 'fake'. Forgive me if this is the wrong sub for this, but I wasn't really sure where else to go with this.

Last night at 22:45 I took somewhere between 60mg-150mg of gummies (I thought I knew my tolerance with these gummies but now can't remember how many were originally in the 500mg packet - I took 3) as a self-medication thing (I am already aware this is a maladaptive coping mechanism and I am predisposed to addiction, but what's done is done).

I luckily have something of a timeline based on talking to friends through the high. At just before 00:35 I experienced some really intense, graphic intrusive and impulsive thoughts, repreatedly, for maybe 10 minutes or so. Following that I started having visual and tactile hallucinations (ie feeling 'fur' on a flat duvet sheet), and then began what can be best described as 'hearing voices'? My issue with this is that from everything I've read psychotic episodes manifest via one or more of the five senses, and while i experienced some of these symptoms in other ways, the voices were 100% internal. They didn't register as 'hearing' anything, more like a cacophany of people speaking over one another directly into my mind, without being filtered through my body in any way, though what was actually being said was indecipherable. I also knew that they weren't 'real' voices and that I was just 'hearing' things, so it doesn't feel like it was a delusion as such either.

I'm still struggling to cope with ongoing dissociation now (feeling like im standing four feet back inside my head, even though i am simultaneously still looking directly through my eyes, though the voices have since passed, It's currently 20:32 the next day and my symptoms haven't resolved, though they're obviously much more manageable (and I am much more coherent) now.

I guess I'm just looking for any advice anyone is able to offer, sans the obvious (believe me when I say I have no more weed-related plans for a hot minute if ever...), or for literally anyone who is able to share an even slightly comparable experience, because right now I feel... incredibly isolated. Thanks so much.

ETA: I'm also on a number of existing medications (Lamotrigine, Aripiprazole, Pregabalin, Venlafaxine, and Mirtazapine), if that increases/decreases the likelihood of any of this.

[oleaspur]

sorry for spotty activity / venty posts recently. we are coming to terms (.......very slowly) with the fact that the blog runner is the host of a cdd. and it is unfortunately a lot to deal with mentally. happy to field questions, especially from muts, but please allow alters their privacy etc. not everyone is as open as haven. thanks

[oleaspur]

sys

im.. scared of seeing the psych on friday. as someone only just beginning to understand their cdd im so so so scared of being invalidated and it causing a worse mental spiral than i already keep ending up in for other reasons. idk. i NEED my experiences to be recognised as real and legitimate and valid and if they arent, or if my trauma is dismissed AGAIN i will like. well. i dare not think abt it tbh

[oleaspur]

i hate feeling complicated feelings about things :(

[oleaspur]

im not oleaspur/haven posting but i just wanted to say we're doing a lot better now, we've probably going to go via pottersgate for the scid-d assessment despite the cost bc the psych we chose originally fucked us over and claimed we couldnt have bpd or bed despite being multipley diagnosed with both AND them fitting my symptoms still. and then completley ignored all mention of our dissociative experiences. just as a life update

[oleaspur]

on the upside host isnt frontstuck any longer. downside: i have no real attachments AND no impulse control :)

[oleaspur]

life is so scary at the moment. i really, really hope everything works out okay for everyone. i believe it will, and i have to believe it will. but its okay for me to be scared too, i think

[oleaspur]

seeing a psych in two days but its really costing me £450 for a single assessment. hatred and killing

[oleaspur]

sys, sui ment

been fronting the past two days straight which feels weird given how much we've been switching since its become apparent i have a cdd. im hoping it means things are stabilising but it is making me paranoid at the same time.

on the upside my mood is... better than it has been. i think having a total crying fit and suicidal breakdown the other day helped a lot and while i fear i am now having something of a manic episode (i have certainly had impulse control problems worse than normal) ig for now it is better than the alternative

very grateful for my support network. is all i can say

[oleaspur]

i feel very bad because in general i try not to vent on tumblr when i have a whole app just for that but my brain is hell right now, so i apologise. feel free to blacklist my textpost tag 'oleaspur.txt' if seeing potentially somewhat venty posts may be triggering (though i will try to avoid this unless under a read more), or to soft/hardblock me, no explanation needed whatsoever

[oleaspur]

questioning a dissociative disorder just inherently makes me feel like im faking for some reason. but i keep asking myself like okay but did you really spend two straight hours 'roleplaying' as somebody else to a new therapist for no reason

[oleaspur]

just saw your post and wanted to provide some help(?) if i can since ive been in your position before and kno how bad it sucks. i do recommend leaning super hard on whatever grounding techniques work for you as well as establishing some kind of grounding schedule. if you do any type of meditation i recommend 3x for at least a week and drinking about 2x as much water as you usually do. mainly the goal is to reset your metabolism to get as much thc out of your system as possible (it can stay in fat for a stupid long time) as well as reseting the nervous system. i also self-medicate with thc as a primary coping mechanism and have had this happen and still been able to enjoy weed again so i can at least personally say that this too can pass but yeah that sucks so so so bad and im sorry your going thru that rn sending good vibes and plentiful healing 💛💜🤍

thank you for this anon... i appreciate the insight a lot. grounding techniques unfortunately rarely help and common ones (ie petting my cat) just lead to more intrusive thoughts About those grounding techniques etc. i also dont meditate LOL im basically terrible on all accounts wrt these suggestions. but i will try

[oleaspur]

got so stoned i had a psychotic break with horrific intrusive thoughts, the intense belief that i was hearing internal voices ie other people ‘inside my head’ (though not physically inside) but also that i Had to be faking these, and then uncontrollable dissociation to varying degrees for like 12 hours straight (still ongoing)

[oleaspur]

i wish it was easier to organically make friends here without producing content… id love to talk to more people

[oleaspur]

remember my freak abusive ex... i still think about that guy sometimes. i hope hes suffering like hell