#omfg why is my brain working itself up over the tags

[readysetgaikokujin]

Feelings now that I’m used to my home in NC

This is a list! Therefore read more!

- Nostalgia my mom’s house is full of stuff that’s been a constant for me since I can remember. We’ve never moved from this house. My nephew’s height’s being written on the same doorjamb as my height was written. My toys are becoming his toys. My mom’s vinyls are upstairs just waiting to be put on while we dust and clean together. Sussudio ftw.

- Self-doubt you show different parts of yourself to different people, and it doesn’t make those parts of you any less valid. But the Sami that Aomori people know isn’t the Sami Mebane people know. There are people I knew in high school who really want to meet me, to see me, hug me. I haven’t seen them in person in nigh near 10 yrs now, or I only saw some of them in passing a few years ago. It makes me feel rather adult, rather desperate, and also kind of like an imposter. “Why want me, precious?” my brain keeps saying in the Smeagol voice. “Why me?”

- Freedom this one is the best one. I can wake up whenever I choose (which is about 730 am haha, can’t beat 5 years of education major early mornings and then 5 years of teaching out of you in a month), and then eat whatever I want. Keto is a thing here. Sugarfree is a thing here. Soy wraps are a thing here, spaghetti squash, feta cheese, pepperjack, omfg the cheeese. I can just eat some salami if I’m peckish, and even though I’ve been craving natto lately I really am loving the freedom of food choice. I can also wear what I want, do what I want, and relax as long as I want. It’s kind of nice to feel like I’m alone with people around me, if that makes sense?

- Overwhelmed sometimes it’s the fact that my siblings are growing up without me. My brother’s finishing his degree, and he’s made me so proud. We talk about getting to know each other all over again because we’re both adults now, and we’re everchanging. My sister’s married, bought a house, has dogs, is thinking about a second child in the next few years. She’s almost finished her degree. She’s amazing, and it’s weird that she’s also nearer to thirty than far from it. I see my older family members, how some aren’t doing so well, how some are suffering. My brother is also involved with a lot of activism, as is my sister. Bro is photojournalim, sis is public health. The way they speak about the world, I feel kind of useless and stagnant. What am I doing from Japan? What can I do?

- Wal*mart wal*mart get its own feeling, you know it’s true. Just to throw a lighter note in here. I am having a hard time not staring at peoples’ tattoos, whether they’re good or bad, and I go out in a crop top and am not the least-dressed person in the building. It is its own world. I don’t... it’s its own feeling.

- Torn when I’m in Japan, I miss America and Canada, and my family. When I’m with my family in America or Canada, I miss Japan, and my friends. Am I always going to feel like this? I’ve made a horrible, beautiful, poignant fucking mistake. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It’s kind of nice to have your heart in multiple places. I can imagine people who’ve lived in multiple countries feel the same. Or similar.

- Happy this one speaks for itself. Also, my skin finally isn’t hateful now that I’m back in America/hydrating/sleeping more/less stressed. I wake up and feel good. It’s strange not to be stressed. This is new for me, I’m almost like... looking for ways to MAKE stress because that’s my comfort zone.

- Myself I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. I defined myself as AJET president, as RR, as a teacher for so long. Taking away those things, who am I? I guess a rather cynical view I’ve had for a while is this: I’m a person who cares too much about outside validation. I’m a person who wants to be seen as good, because maybe if I’m seen that way, it means I’m successfully putting good into the world. I’m a person who wants to be liked, sometimes at the detriment of what I want to do. And I don’t want to be any of that anymore. I want to focus on my hustle without feeling like who says what has any effect on me. I don’t care for JET drama, because it reminds me too much of being in high school, and I’m fast approaching 30. I also know that I’m prone to being judgmental, and vocal. Nobody NEEDS my viewpoint on their life, really. I know the type of people I want in my life, and the type of people I don’t, and I know that everyone is just doing their best and they don’t need my input in their lives. I know what I want to do with myself, and that alone is enough to validate my work. I’ve had a LOT of time to think about what makes me ME, without any of the fluff or things I’ve done in the past that I am not doing now. I’m creative, empathetic, selfish, and motivated. I want to be good to people in general, without sacrificing how good I am to myself. I’m working on it haha.

Anyway. Some reverse culture shock has happened. Wtf NC, please use turn signals. Also, small talk is a thing I’m getting used to, and everyone should make eye contact and smile at their waiters and waitresses, what are you doing everyone who doesn’t???

Update, also! Getting my left arm half-sleeve done in PA on the 4th. Expect pics. I’m so excited my heart could burst. Within the next two years, I’ll be trying my best to cover my body as much as possible. I’m tired of waiting patiently. If I have the money, I’ve got the artists. Let’s get my body looking how I envision it in my mind.

Also update two, I want to try to get into group activities in Hirosaki, Tsugaru, or Gosh, or the Shi when I get back to Aomori. @sun-kissedwinter @manystarredface @beware @wildwolf25 if you know of fun things, please let me know. Sorry to tag you in a long ass post, I’ll hopefully be seeing more of y’all now that I’m not a long ass drive away. I’ve talked to people about bouldering, wanna grip a rock real good. But I want to engage instead of isolate like I did this last year.

My mind is getting figured out.

Want to figure out my body/socialization (੭ु˙꒳˙)੭ु⁾⁾

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 05.09.18 lb

... so zero resolution to that conversation yesterday??? 

i suppose there was nothing more to be said. 

but man, i’m kinda bitter at anika’s accusations. all mohit was doing was fussing over nancy. shivaay jumped out of a building and walked into one that’s on fire, and then electrocuted himself for this chick here, and she has the gallll to be like oh nancy is so lucky just because mohit is fucking toweling her hair or some shit????? 

anyway...

ouff bed and sofa issues again. itnaaaa bada bed toh hai. just both of you sleep on it and stick to your sides. 

or do you not trust yourself to do that, shivaay? 

lmaooooo shivaay, so she literally gets the WORST part of having a husband? “obeying” one? fuck off, that’s not what she wants. 

OMG OMG OMG OMG THEY’RE PLAYING OLD O JAANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ASDKJFKJSDH I AM ACTUALLY EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!! I LOVE OLD O JAANA SO MUCHHHHHHHH

WHY IS SHE SUCH A CREEPY STARER?????????? STOP IT ANIKA. IT’S WEIRD.

there’s someone actually monitoring the cctvs of the house???? 

the images on the screens make no sense though. there’s multiple shots and angles of the living room, some where the lights are on, some where they’re off, so fucking random. 

also, as we’ve long suspected, there ARE cameras in shivaay’s room. but it’s currently showing it as lit up and empty. which is not the case. 

yeah i’d get these cameras looked into if i was you guys.

guess khanna’s not the only nikkamma security staff. they’re all idiots.

oh hello shady person aka mohit. 

lmaoooooooooooooooooo whut? also, what does this accomplish? only the display is damaged. the cameras are still doing their things. 

EEEEEEEE TIME FOR #RIKU OF THE DAY. 

lmao “taj ki titli paani mein kya giri, humare toh poore plan pe paani phir gaya.”

gauri’s hair is so big today. (because it’s full of secrets.) 

caught by di!!!!!!!! 

lol their faces. 

priyanka very valiantly taking the fall for her lady love. 

lol how cute, their excitement that di liked it. 

“par dobara aisa mat karna.”

lolololol at gauri’s “hein???” 

ohhhhhhhhh boy, even these two are getting the bullshit kismat waala lecture. 

lmao she’s giving it to the wrong ppl though, coz these two are kismat writers. they’re not gonna stop meddling. 

JIJU AAYE NAHI, GAURI NE TURANTTTTT PALTI MAARI. INSTANTLY PLAYING IN HIS TEAM AND THROWING HER OWN SISTER UNDER THE BUS. 

i don’t even give a fuck about what’s happening in this scene coz again, they’re playing old o jaana and aaaaaaaaaaah. love ittttttttt. 

ok no lemme rewind and focus. 

“buraai kar rahi thi meri?”

“kyun, itna bhi haq nahi hai mera?’ 

LMAOOOOOOOOOO PRINKU’S FACE AND THE WAY THAT CHESHIRE CAT GRIN JUST GREW. 

gauri can play on team jiju all she wants, but prinku is most definitely on team bhaabi with the rest of her siblings.

“khanna tum jab bhi aate ho, koi na koi problem lekar aate ho, aaj kaunsi nayi baat hai...” 

lmaooooooo wtf. it’s not HIS fault you live in a house of horrors and every single person in the world wants to murder you???? 

oh so you dgaf about your family and their safety, just the guests’ safety????? 

lo aa gaya apna jaadugar saiyaan. 

aur uski corpse bride. 

the newspaper’s name is BREAKING NEWS OF INDIA. snort. 

titli’s face isn’t changing one bit from that placid smile even as her husband talks about how she was harassed. lord. 

when you surprise SHIVAAY with your stories of phenking things... that’s rare. you win, for the day. 

tag yourself. i relate to prinku the most here. 

lmao wow titli’s face changed. from bland smile at sexual harrassment, to this stone face of appreciation. 

ugh can they stop with this “taj ki titli” garbage. it sounds ridiculous. 

every time mandana talks, my brain just starts playing elevator music. 

anika needs to get over this weird idealized crush she has on them as a couple. 

yes, please leave, mohit; you’re very annoying. 

god anika, please also get over this obsession you have with his magic. 

ugh why is he so extraaaaaaaa and weirddddddd?????? 

is shivaay jealoussssssssss of anika’s winning smileeee at paraaya mard? 

lol nope, just suspicious of iske dimaag mein kya chal raha hai.

godddddddd one jaadugar was not enough ki ab anika bhi ussi mein lag gayi hai. 

they’re really bringing back alllll the OU music and i’m so happy. 

LMAO @ ANIKA TRYING TO DO MAGIC WITH A BELAN. 

kaash hermione yahaan hoti to correct her pronunciation. ( “it’s not jhingalalahoo, it’s jhinGAA-LAAlahoo.”)

wow, jhingalalahoo is the spell to summon a husband! who knew?????

“kya kar rahi thi tum?”

“jadoo.”

“woh toh tum waise bhi karti ho.” 

OUFF. WHAT A LINE. WHAT A FUCKING LINE. AND THIS MAN THINKS HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH HER???????? WHAT A DUMBASS. 

... so a google search was all it took to dispel her impression of magic. 

MAN THIS GROWNASS 35 YEAR OLD MOTHERFUCKER THINKS MAGIC, ESPECIALLY THE AMATEUR BS THAT MOHIT’S BEEN DOING, IS A CHAMATKAAR? 

hey remember when just like 2 months ago, OU shivaay busted siddhi maaiii? i miss him and his rational mind now. 

ughhhhhhhhhhh pyaar ka jadoo. literally fuck offffffffff anika. 

ohohoho, he’s one of those “love is a neurochemical con” kinda ppl. like me. BUT DON’T BE LIKE ME, SHIVAAY. LOOK WHAT A PRETTY WIFE YOU HAVE. I WOULD BELIEVE IN LOVE IF I WAS MARRIED TO SOMEONE THIS PRETTY.

“aap maane ya na maane, lekin jadoo ek din sar charh ke bolega.” 

another one of anika’s challenges. 

and he’s scared. coz so far, he’s lost all of them. every single one. 

MOHIT MOHIT MOHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. OUFFFFFFFF. GO FORCE-MARRY HIMMMMMMMM IN THE MANDIR THEN. 

lol aw, him mirroring her hand pat with his belan. too cute!

great, she’s started snooping around mohit’s room. 

GOD SHE’S SOOOOOOOOO NOSY. JUST RANDOMLY OPENING UP ANYONE’S SHIT. 

great, nancy hasn’t learnt her lesson and is fucking around with her magic shit next to the pool again. 

god the setups to lead shivaay into temptation with this zinda laash. soooooooo contrived. 

we already know what’s gonna happen. compromising situation, but anika and her andha vishwaas on his nirdoshta and maasoomiyat will not believe and all this will be pointless. 

SHIVAAY YOU’RE SUCH A DUMBASS. "SOUNDS GOOD LET’S DO IT.” HONESTLY. 

anika you are ruuuuuuuuuuuuude as fuck. who just goes through someone else’s stuff like this??????

lmao the shivika fangirls are nottttttttttttttttttttt going to be happy with this track. i don’t think shivaay’s ever cavorted like this with anyyyyyyyy other “temptation” in the show ever. 

ouffffffff ainvayi ka red herring. i reallllllllllllly don’t care about this bs. 

lmao this poor dumb son of a bitch and his denial. may the lord give him the strength to work through it quickly. 

ISHQ HAI AANSOON ISHQ HAI NAGHMA ISHQ SUKOON HAI RAAHAT HAI. 

NO YOU KNOW WHAT A SUKOON AND RAAHAT IS???? THIS SONG. PLEASE GOD NEVER STOP PLAYING IT I BEG OF YOU. 

god she’s literally soooooooooooooo cute. 

OMFG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT WHY IS GAURI PULLING A POOJA FROM HAHK AND FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS ADSLKJFLSDKJFLSDKJF

SAME SHIVAAY, SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

oh thankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk god she’s okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS BELIEVE IN THE CONCEPT OF TAKING PEOPLE TO A HOSPITAL??? 

oh greatttttt the servants are in for it. 

mohit ko raat ki chai yeh kyun de????? ghar mein itne naukar toh hai. tujhe itna shauk hai toh tu jaake de. 

“aapko chehra bhi padhna aata hai?”

“sabka nahi. kissi kissi ka.” 

GOD SHIVAAY. JUST TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. 

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE RUINED IT WITH THAT DOST SHIT AGAIN. 

iske baad zindagi mein anika kissi se bhi “dosti” nahi karegi. she’ll have grown sick and tired of the concept itself. 

oufffffffff anika, just accept his nice gesture and the sentiment behind it. stop lecturing him on shaadi. fucking hell man, i try so hard to be on your team and you just... 

he should watch his khud ka cctv ka footage. then maybe he’ll see what a lovesick fool he is for his “dost”. 

yup, nancy is full on chance pe dance maarofying on shivaay tomorrow. 

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy it’s looking like a veryyyyyyy rapey situation the way he’s struggling. WHY IS THIS FUCKING SHOW LIKE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS????? 

[elizabethrobertajones]

Has no one noticed the description of season 1 episode 13???? "Dean is contacted by his first love, Cassie!" CASSIE, CAS, OMFG! This is canon and I choose to believe! Coincidence? I believe it's foreshadowing!

I stumbled over to my askbox first thing after waking up and squinted at this like, oh, hon, don’t believe everything you read on the internet, until my eyes adjusted and put “season” and “episode” in the right order

But yeah, there’s a beautiful wealth of literature about Cassie and Dean, who are the only reason to watch that episode. 

(It helps, if you’re going to watch, to pretend that bit where Cassie, brilliant local reporter and apparently extremely smart cookie, who has gathered mountains of information on this case and has extensive personal ties to it, before she called in the Winchesters like an extermination service, has to sit there and watch Dean suddenly figure out her whole case for her, instead actually gets that win herself, at which point at least all the agency in dealing with the case goes back into the black woman’s hands, and Sam and Dean are just hired muscle and a fun hook up for our real hero. :P I figure that weird choice was an attempt to not make Sam and Dean pretty much passive observers through the first ¾ of the episode out of some misguided feeling the show had to be about them ALL the time, but in some cases you should prooobably stand back a little and wonder if that was not maybe the one choice you could make if you had to do EVERYTHING else the same to salvage the episode out of total infamy, and all it costs you is making your smart and interesting original character continue to live up to the most important character trait we know about her, aka that she is a good journalist, and not have that all unfairly robbed from her so the white guys can look smart and she’s reduced to a love interest with an infuriating deliberate passivity in the story)

Anyway my entire tag for the episode is either complaining about the rest of it or talking about Cassie and Dean and this parallel 

I think even if Cassie was called ANYTHING else it would still be an absolutely fascinating case study in Dean’s early emotional history, the way Sam teases him about it, the suspiciously similar lines in their argument to the way Dean and Cas talk (sadly without hooking up immediately after :P) and it just happens to be that way. I doubt it was more than a coincidence - this is in season 1, Buckleming, only episode more maligned by the show in its own text when being self-referential is Bugs etc etc - and this IS the show that in 3x06, a mere 10 episodes before Cas showed up, had Sam using a summoning spell that invoked the names of several angels, Castiel among them. Also the same show Jeremy Carver accidentally-deliberately (?) named three separate wives and girlfriends “Amelia” and even used the same career for the husband in 2 of those instances. I’m sure if Sam stuck around and married HIS Amelia he would have started selling ad time for radio whatever the heck that is.

Brains work in weird patterns and no one checks this stuff as far as I can tell :P

Anywho if it was Buckleming writing 4x01 (*shudder*) I’d maybe think picking “Castiel” was at least a sort of influenced decision, but as far as I can tell the show’s been so desperate to bury The Racist Truck Episode, Cassie has never been mentioned again and in general the writers clearly know not to go mining the episode for material to reuse :P The decision to use “Castiel” was because he was the angel of Thursday and that’s the day the show aired on at the time, and of course he was never originally intended too be a love interest and convincing arguments to explain narrative roles and at least why we CAN read him that way earlier aside, not strictly written as one until season 7 or 8. 

But now sitting over here with all that hindsight, it is a pretty excellent thing :3 I like to think of it as the way the show just runs to many loops around itself it’s not even always intentional, and tbh the fact it is basically a storytelling uroboros, the snake eating its own tail, is hardwired into the show’s DNA as the kind of narrative style used since the early days, but the way details come around again and again often feels almost like it’s unconscious and after a point certain things get absorbed into the back of the writers’ minds - lines of dialogue, characters, quirks they like to include and there’s only a chance they know they’ve done it before… I think season 12 serves as a good example of how the show looks once the writers are told to be AWARE of doing it and ENCOURAGED to go pilfer from anywhere in canon they like, taking advantage that the “we’ve been down this road so many times” mantra has left them free to use mirrored moments that can reflect 8 different episodes in 8 different seasons in like one line of dialogue, only now it feels like every episode and every moment was intentionally tuned to be doing that in a self-aware, meta way instead of how you suspect earlier iterations were just the same train rolling through the same town on its route like we were commuters along certain threads of the story. :P 

(Sorry this has turned into a treatise on why I love Dabb era so much) Anyway long story short if Cassie HAD been introduced in 13x01 the “omg I see what you did there” would be way more intentional, but as it is Cas just sort of FITS into one of these already established grooves in Dean’s character, right along with his issues with angels and faith that with hindsight make 1x12 and 2x13 look as if the writers somehow just KNEW it was about Destiel, and I’m not talking the “well yeah they were/probably were setting up for him to have an angel love interest all along, only it would have been Anna” type speculation, I’m talking about 1x12 and Roy LeGrange using dialogue 4x01 would nick and put in Cas’s mouth… 

Maybe my next ridiculous diagram should be “why everything before season 4 proves Destiel is real even though none of it was written intentionally to do this” :P