#once again shoutout to shrimpy for letting me yell abt this and iron out my thoughts <333

[devourensarc]

On Sk.irk and His Mental State

warnings for: death, discussions of trauma, dissociation/depersonalization, sui/cidal behavior

Ajax fell into the Abyss at 14 years old — a child. He fell into a land of darkness and monsters, alone, barely a teenager, and this was absolutely traumatic for him. Here, he met Sk.irk.

When we see their reunion in the AQ, she dismisses him as weak — despite him fighting the Narwhal for weeks, a beast that took a fully realized Sovereign to beat (not kill; beat). She states she does not talk to him or give him much acknowledgement because of this perceived weakness.

This was the person who he found in the Abyss, as a lost, scared child. A weak child who needed to become strong to earn a scrap of her attention, attention that was key to his survival. Knowing this, it's easy to see why he is so obsessed with becoming stronger. Even after meeting her, he had to fight for every second of his survival, because to be weak in her eyes meant he would be alone again, in an unfamiliar world full of beasts trying to kill him.

The only reason she gave him any attention at all was Foul Legacy — on this blog, she did not teach him the transformation, but rather how to use it.

Even after he left the Abyss, this fear for his life stayed with him. In addition to my other hcs regarding this (his sleeping habits, nightmares, hiding food, etc), he fixated on becoming stronger because the memories of those monsters are always there. He cannot be that helpless child ever again.

And of course, when he finally returned home, his parents could not or would not help this traumatized child. He tried to prove his strength to them, but instead of acknowledging it, being proud of it, they were terrified. His escalating violence to get them to see it, to pay attention to him, was a reaction born from his interactions with Sk.irk; but this only made his parents more terrified. They treated him like a monster, for the very thing that helped him survive.

When they brought him to the Fatui, again he used a show of strength to preemptively protect himself — see, he was strong, he was not some weak child to prey upon. And again, this only served to scare others, and once again, he was outcast. Pulcinella was the next adult figure to give him any sort of attention, and the young Ajax latched onto this, still caught up in his survival mechanism from the Abyss. Someone was giving him attention, praise — so he would be exactly what Pulcinella, what the Tsaritsa, wanted of him.

Blood and violence does not bother him, but he does not enjoy hurting others for the sake of hurting them. He is not a sadist, nor does he lose control of himself during a battle. He says during the Liyue AQ he doesn't want to release Osial and harm innocents, but he does so anyway to complete his mission, with the full belief Rex Lapis will show himself to fend off Osial. During the Fontaine AQ, he shows situational awareness in that fight with the Narwhal; he knows where the fleeing civilians are and drives the Narwhal away from them, and he is able to set up the Narwhal for a shot from Neuvi, and all of this despite already having fought the thing for weeks and being clearly exhausted.

He needs to be wanted, and he needs to be seen as strong, because to not be these things would have meant his death in the Abyss. Even out of the situation that traumatized you in the first place, it sticks with you, and coping mechanisms that may have helped you survive that situation can very well be maladaptive outside of it. He never got any sort of support to heal from that mindset, and the Fatui actively fed into it.

But inside is still that child who longed to be a hero, who wanted to be loved. You can still see him in Ch.ilde's love for his siblings, his dedication to those he cares for. Ajax wants to be seen, to feel worthy of being seen without constantly having to prove himself strong enough to deserve it — and yet this is not a mindset he can readily put down, even for one person. It is ingrained into his behavior at a fundamental level.

This desire to be strong has led him to separate himself from 'Ajax'. He views Ajax as a weak, naive child, and convinces himself that is no longer him. He is a mask that Ch.ilde will wear around his family because he loves them, but that child is no longer him. (You believe that, right? Please believe that.) Yet his Harbinger persona is as much a mask as Ajax is. He chases battle, is always trying to become stronger, not only to convince others around him but himself.

Mentioned su/icidal behavior cw. He is so caught up in this he doesn't care about his own safety, his own life. Delusion that saps your life force? Don't mind if he does. Throwing himself into battle against stronger opponents? Here he goes. Pulcinella states that he craves encounters that bring him closest to his own demise. It is a sort of thrill, a comfort to him, proving to himself he can survive, but if he does die? Fine. He does not care for his own life. End cw.

tldr: he is not okay. His time in the Abyss was absolutely traumatic for him, and his time with Sk.irk and how his parents treated him afterwards has led to his current mindset today.