#once again sorry idk where else to dump this all my other social media is way too respectable

[verdiesque]

Man fuck my international friends fr

[mercury-retrograde-concept]

i know this may sound ridiculous but is there a possibility that j*nnie and k*i were a publicity stunt? so many things surrounding their encounters sounded so, idk... fishy to me. not saying that their relationship was 100% fake, but the way they constantly dropped hints about each other on social media even though k*i was (or should have been) aware that that would attract hate to not only himself but j*nnie, since kr*stal and him happened 2 years before that. or how he drove to the YG building

Hey, anon! If you’re still out there, sorry it’s taken me so long to get to your question! Every time I attempted it, there would be some new crisis in the larger kpop fandom and I would get exhausted at the thought of diving into this world. 

It’s not a completely ridiculous question. Personally I would advise anyone reading this blog to steer clear of saying a public relationship is fake just because you want a fandom ship to be real (going down that route probably makes one feel like that gif of the guy with string connecting different photos.) However, I also wouldn’t be surprised if some short-term celebrity relationships were friends-with benefits situations that were being labeled as long-term relationships in order to make them seem more palatable. We’ll never know for sure, but it’s hard to defeat curiosity. 

I didn’t quite ask the cards whether the relationship was fake, but I decided to ask a series of questions that would most likely indicate if it was fake. 

Disclaimer: This tarot reading is for entertainment purposes only. All speculation comes from my interpretation only.

Jennie's role in the relationship: Poet archetype card Kai's role in the relationship: Teacher archetype card What brought them together: Ten of Cups, The Magician What was true about this relationship: Two of Swords (Reversed), Three of Wands What was false about this relationship: Three of Cups (Reversed), The Lovers

Clarifier card: Strength

What led to their breakup?: Eight of Wands, Five of Swords (Reversed)

Cards used: Ethereal visions

Okay, first of all, this spread seems to be indicating this relationship was actually genuine.

If you’re looking at that list above and asking why The Lovers is under the “what was false” section, then ... Well, I’ll get to it. 

There was definitely a pretty immediate spark of attraction. Jennie, in particular, was open about expressing her attraction to him, which he enjoyed. She also had a lot of thoughts about the artistic aspects of both of their careers, and this was also appealing to Kai. 

Hierarchy also played a role in their relationship dynamic. Although they’re both close in age, Kai debuted before Jennie, making him her senior in the industry. This was yet another thing that drew him to her. While Blackpink was a new-ish group (with a then infamously limited discography), they had recently had stratospheric success with Ddu-Du Ddu-Du and Jennie was a sensation. Exo’s career trajectory had been relatively similar, what with both groups causing a stir with their debut and one of their most iconic songs happening a year or two later. As a result, there was something oddly flattering for Kai about getting the chance to offer advice and guidance to someone going through similar experiences. There was definitely an ego boost quality here. 

For a little while, things appear to have been good. Physical attraction/similar circumstances seem to have sparked their relationship, but they stuck around because they were both each other’s safe harbor. Like I said, they inherently got each other’s circumstances. In the tumult of an idol’s life - the travel, the gossip, the constant competition - being understood by someone (who isn’t your immediate rival) has to be intoxicating for some performers.

Your ask mentioned how dangerous it would have been to be caught dating. Well... evidently, early on, that was a feature rather than a bug! They kind of liked sneaking around and nearly getting caught. It seems it allowed for a bit of an adrenaline rush that made things even more exciting. Kai definitely seems to have been more into this aspect than Jennie, though. He’d had relationships before, and it was kind of fun teaching her tips and tricks to hide her relationship. He also had been caught before so he wasn’t nearly as concerned, and it was kind of fun to go about it in am ore experienced way. 

Ultimately, though, they appear to have been undone by what brought them together. Like I said, Kai had already had a relationship exposed and wasn’t as concerned about it. If anything, he kind of wanted to go public with a relationship again to shake off even more delusional fans. His career was already well-established and he could afford it. Jennie, though, was still in the early years of her career and didn’t think she could afford going public. Especially not after that week where everyone was harshly criticizing her performance skills 

This brings me to The Lovers card again. This card can be about romantic relationships, but it’s also about agency and choice. It appears as though their options were actually really limited, even if they didn’t think so at first. They were in very different places in their careers and wanted different things. Their companies were controlling, too, which didn’t help. 

... There also appears to have been a third party involved (Three of Cups reversed) and that card landed on Jennie’s side of the spread. And it’s hard not to think about the dating rumors with G-Dragon. I wouldn’t immediately jump to cheating in this scenario, though. To be honest, it feels more like Jennie might have been venting to someone (maybe G-Dragon, maybe someone else), and they were constantly going “dump him, dump him, dump him.”

The end of the relationship happened really quickly, too. The amount of hate/scrutiny that came Jennie’s way after the Dispatch article made her feel as though as all her fears of going public were justified. Interestingly, once they cut each other loose they felt better and likely have something of a cordial relationship now. They were served well by letting go of a relationship that was causing a lot of stress and double-guessing towards the end. 

[typicalfictosexualfangirl]

dare-out (bnha one-shot; shinso x todoroki x mina x f!reader)

a/n: idk this idea just got into my head and yeah i really wanted to write it, i’m gonna use first person pronoun for the reader bcus that’s how i roll, and don’t question the way i write HAHAHA

summary: four people out to do some dares !!

Shoto, Hitoshi and I were lazing on the couch, just some casual netflix and chill while Mina was taking her own sweet time dolling up.

Well, in actual fact, it was only Hitoshi and I watching Lucifer that was playing on the television as his head laid on my lap.

Shoto was leaning against my shoulder, eyes glued to his phone, probably scrolling through Instagram or something. The three of us had bought him a smartphone his last birthday and yeah, we kinda convinced him to download social media so we could tag him in pictures and create a group chat where we share posts of memes and drop not-so-subtle hints of gifts that we wish someone would get for us.

Shoto adjusted himself on my right, shifting his butt further from me so that he was now lying on my lap too.

I sighed, realising that we have waited for Mina for almost 2 hours. “Babe, are you almost done yet?” I yelled from my place on the sofa, struggling not to move too much and ruining the comfortable positions of my two boyfriends.

“Yes!” she staggered down the stairs.

“Finally,” Hitoshi heaved, sitting up. The three of us turned to look at her, to find out the outfit that had wasted all of our times.

She had on a pale blue long-sleeved crop top that showed off her navel piercing that was of a breathtaking amethyst, a grey skater skirt that stopped mid-thigh, and furry ugg boots.

She spun one round for us to take in her entire outfit, “What do yall think?”

“I think,” I paused for impact, “that did not have to take a full one and a half hour,” I finished my sentence, smirking at her.

She pouted, “Bitch.”

“Now that everyone’s ready, can we go and get some food already?” Hitoshi complained.

“In due time,” I turned to him, pecking him on the lips, “but before that, let’s play a dare game.”

This time, Shoto spoke up, “That doesn’t sound good.”

“Aw, it’ll be fun!”

“Yeah, it does sound fun!” Mina exclaimed, wrapping her arms around me from behind the couch.

“So, we will split into two teams, the ladies versus the gentlemen, and the game will last until dinner time,” I explained the basic rules of the game, “the team that gives in on the most number of dares will have to do the other team a favour, deal?”

Knowing that they can never say ‘no’ to us, both Shoto and Hitoshi sighed in defeat.

“The boys can start,” I suggested, looking up at Mina who gave a nod in agreement.

“Okay, we’ll start with..” Hitoshi trailed of deep in thought, “[Y/N], wash your hands in the toilet bowl,” he smirked at me, the rest of our jaws dropping.

After processing the information, I caught myself and smirked back at him, “Easy.”

The four of us headed to the bathroom as I plunged my hands into the toilet bowl, Mina flushing it for me.

Once I lifted it from the water, I started spraying the water at Hitoshi.

“Oh no, you don’t, get away from me!” Hitoshi screamed as I chased him around the house.

Shoto helped me blocked his way, restraining him with a hug to prevent him from running any further as I happily wiped my hands clean on his shirt.

I thanked Shoto while Hitoshi muttered, upset, “I hate you.”

“I love you too,” Shoto smiled at him.

Mina kept her phone away and spoke up, “Okay, Sho, I dare you to order every single thing on the menu at McDonald’s.”

Shoto grinned at the sound of that, whipping out a credit card from nowhere that was very much Endeavour’s, “I can do that.”

“How has he not terminated that card already?” I questioned.

Shoto shrugged, “Probably because he’s willing to go to great extents to make up to us and patch the family back together.”

“Well, whatever. Let’s all go get some food, I’m starving,” Mina whined, shoving us all out the door.

“Says the one who made us wait for 2 whole hours,” Hitoshi stated, earning him a slap on his upper arm. “Ouch,” he rubbed the spot he was hit.

“Guys, stop the domestic abuse and pick up your pace,” I joked.

“You’re the one who abuses us the most,” both Hitoshi and Mina retorted.

I cowered into Shoto’s side. “Sho, they’re bullying me,” I pouted, causing Shoto to let out a chuckle and he patted my hair.

Buying out the entire menu was certainly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. We ended up having an eating competition, that was a draw between Mina and I, and quite a bit of leftover food that we did not touch.

We decided to pull pranks on people with it by immediately serving the food to them as soon as they told the counter their order. There was also one time where a little boy was tugging on his mother’s sleeve, pestering her about wanting to eat what we had, so Mina just went up and dropped a paper bag in front of them. It was all in good fun.

Shoto turned to Mina, our last paper bag in hand, “You see that group of guys there? Go sit beside them and chat them up while eating their fries.”

“Sure, but if I get beaten up yall gotta stand up for me okay?” she waved us off, stalking towards them.

We watched as Mina hopped onto the chair beside one of the guys, starting up a conversation and casually eating his fries. Every time she reached for the fries, the guy’s eyes would dart from her face, to her hand, to his fries, and back to her face again when she popped the fry into her mouth and slowly chewed on it. He tried to move the packet of fries away from her but she would somehow find her way back to it and eat them again. It was truly a hilarious sight to watch.

It was only when the group stood up, the rage burning in their eyes that we decided to interfere, afraid that a fight would break out. Shoto gave them the bag of free food as compensation for the fries that Mina ate.

“Well, that was intense,” Hitoshi commented as soon as we got out of the fast food restaurant.

Mina agreed, “It was scary and hot at the same time, I’d say I’d never do it again but we all know I will.”

We all burst out laughing.

“I wanna give a dare now!” I exclaimed, raising a hand. “Sho, Toshi,” I turned to both boys, “we can’t be selfish so it’s time for us to share your bodies with your fans.”

The looks of horror on their faces made me laugh out loud again. They sure did not like physical affection, unless it was from either one of us.

I placed my hands on their shoulders, “The two of you shall provide fanservice by giving free hugs at the central plaza.”

“Without your shirts on,” Mina added as soon as I finished.

I nodded at that suggestion. “You two can pass it up if you are prepared to do us ladies a favour!”

It was then that Hitoshi was motivated to not let the dare get to them, “Never.” He dragged Shoto by the hand and headed for the plaza, “Come on, Sho, we’re not gonna lose today. We’re gonna prove them wrong and show them that we can do this.”

At the plaza, Mina and I were seated at the fountain, holding up the signs we had made for the boys to give hugs to the members of the public. It was a heartwarming sight indeed, people of all ages going up and wrapping their arms around them, the genuine smiles on their faces contagious and attracting a whole lot of attention, brightening the day of those that were here to witness this exchange.

“They would be so much more popular if they were more willing to smile in public like that,” Mina whispered in my ear.

I nodded in agreement but I couldn’t imagine it. They have definitely become more expressive ever since the four of us started dating, but my selfish ass kinda not want anyone else to see the expressions they could make.

“Earth to [Y/N]!,” I heard Mina spoke as she wave a hand in front of my face, breaking my reverie.

I shook the thoughts out of my head, “Sorry, I was just thinking about that large group of schoolgirls before.”

This caused a smirk to form on Mina’s face. “Ooh, girl, you jealous or something?” she nudged me in the side.

“I guess,” I muttered, embarrassed.

“But you were the one who dare them to do this,” her voice was accusing, even though that was the absolute fact.

“I know,” I heaved a sigh.

“Aw, babe, you know you don’t have to be,” she wrapped an arm around me and I leaned my head on her shoulder, “you mean so much more to us than we can express, and even if those two idiots were to dump your stupid ass, just know that I’ll always be here,” she comforted me.

I gave her a smile as thanks and she leaned down to kiss me, a reassurance to tell me that she meant every single word she had just said.

Shoto had his hands on his hips and Hitoshi had his above his knees, both of them were panting hard.

“Whoa, you guys seem like you just came back from a workout or something,” Mina commented on their sweaty and disheveled appearances.

After catching his breath, Hitoshi spoke up, “Damn, that was harsh.”

“[Y/N], you alright?” Shoto asked me gently, coming to sit on my other side.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, other than being jealous of the group of girls back there, she’s good,” Mina explained the situation in my stead.

I shoved her away from me, “Traitor.”

She stuck her tongue out at me in response while Shoto tilted his head slightly in confusion, “But weren’t you the one who suggested we do this?”

“That’s what I said!” Mina huffed.

“That’s why I couldn’t say anything,” my voice was muffled by my hands covering my face.

Hitoshi sat on the now empty spot beside me. “You know there’s no reason for you to,” he pulled me into his side.

“Yeah, to us you’re irreplaceable,” Shoto added, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning on me, “it was all thanks to you that we are who we are today.”

“That’s what I told her!”

I grinned. If anyone asked me what bliss was, I’d tell them it was this moment, but it was not only that, it was all the moments I shared with them, all the memories we made together. Four people of different personalities, backgrounds and lifestyles coming together, and sharing a house together. Sharing a life together.

“I’m so glad you guys are a part of my life.”

a/n: THIS IS NOT THE END, I WILL BE BACK WITH A CONTINUATION, MORE DARES, AND MORE OF THESE FOUR 

[rooftopprendezvous]

(1) Hey, hey! Oh April your anger was my initial reaction too (and honestly if I think about it too much its still my overriding emotion), so I apologise in advance for what I'm sure is gonna be a long, rambly mess (am I really sorry though? cos you are pretty much responsible for me falling down the "Gallavich" rabbit hole hehe!!) but it's the last on this topic, promise. Anyway I experienced my 1st & last 'live' Shameless moment when that 50 second end scene was plastered over social media

2) (cos i'm not watching any more Shitshow eps (not seen any S8/9 & barely remember S6/7 anyway despite it not being that long ago I mistakenly watched it - a blessing I guess lol how is it still going! God!) & I have many conflicting feelings about it tbh. The initial overriding feeling was "I'm mad about it" even though I wasn't surprised. Sighs. I still am really cos even though I admit that I did want "end game" for Mickey & Ian (cos i'm weak), I didn't want it like this!! Look what they've3. done to those KIDS! Just dumping them both in prison (ffs) in a patch job, lazily tagged on ending & then playing Frank Ocean (trying to win points & maybe it worked cos I've listened to that song more than once since gdi) over it cos we are meant to view it as so romantic!? I just..?!? I mean you gotta laugh really.. I suppose it is very "Shameless". Honestly I don't think I've known a show to so unapologetically give so little care to its own characters (let alone fans). urgh.4. (aka arrogant, lazy & petty? hmm). Tbf they had written themselves into a corner where this was the only ending they could give, other than have Ian run away to mexico, which yeah why didn't they do that? But, and here's the other side of my thought process about it all, at least this way they'll both be free after they serve their time, genuinely free not fugitives. So my rationalising about it all is basically that they serve relatively short sentences (Mickey negotiated a good deal ok lol!5. also at least he was given some agency back here in a way - yes I know I'm reaching), during which they will have time to hash everything out (aka Ian has a shit tonne of explaining, grovelling & making up to do imo) & then they are free to live out their lives & have a real chance at being together away from all the BS that's been thrown their way. That's my story anyway (they better not do or say anything to contradict this in canon now I stg). That's how I choose to view it as this way6.I can be relatively happy they ended up together & it allows me to look back their journey story without bitterness taking over cos Mickey Milkovich & the journey he and Ian (rip puppy Ian from the early days - he was cute) went on (before tptb fucked it up) deserves to be looked back on fondly. So that's the story of my journey to acceptance I guess lol. Plus there are no longer at the shows mercy to screw over! Also if you ignore everything else it was good to see mickey again, swooping in7. To save the day being his cocky self, for all of 30 secs, for some sort of closure (the article you reblogged was spot on). In that short scene cam & noel's chemistry was undeniable (easily the best thing to come out of that show - tptb know it too. Bet they hate it that's why they ended it like this #petty but fan service still or maybe they thinks it's actually good who tf knows). But it wouldn't have been the same ending Ian's journey without mickey (they really screwed Ian's charachter8. Over after mickey left didn't they - cant blame cam for leaving. Maybe he should have left after s7. We coulda had them driving across the border as their ending then). I defo think all parties involved did it to shut down the relentless demand. Everyone (cam, Noel, the fabs) can be free now. So I'll take this version of endgame but I won't thank tptb for it! Sidenote but Noel really is s talented cute bean isn't he?! 😊 anyway sorry for the self indulgent ramble. It got way long! Thanks for9. Being my cheerleader through this v belated journey. Did you warn me not to? I can't remember? 🤣 just kidding! I'll ignore the in between bits & focus on the good & imagine a better future for them away from shameless' clutches. My mental gymnastics to be happyish with it is impressive huh? (I mean I'm still mad but eh). Lol. You deserve a medal for dealing with it all in real time! Hope you're not too disheartened. Glad you're all good my lovely! ❤ Tina

to be fair i definitely warned you before you started watching but nobody ever listens because you see their early stuff and like i said magic. they draw you in and you just can’t help yourself. i really don’t want to say a whole lot about everything that angered me and i totally understand why people are burying their heads in the sand and saying ‘end game’ and ‘happy ending’ but like life didn’t just stop? they have to actually live their lives in prison and for people with their histories, their backgrounds, and their mental issues to contend with, if we’re being realistic this is probably like the worst ending? because what happens when mickey’s smart mouth and short fuse get him in trouble? or ian doesn’t get his meds and goes manic? nothing good. also tptb couldn’t help themselves form doing mickey dirty again could they? also for me a good parallel isn’t mickey risks everything to break out with almost the exclusive purpose of being with ian again and now he has to risk it all again, this includes his life to get back into prison to be with ian? where is ian’s sacrifice in any of this? a couple seasons ago i would have felt that overwhelming love from ian but after listening to him badmouth mickey for so long and turn him away again and again it didn’t feel like enough. if i’m being honest i feel like cam wanted out a long time ago and he’s been phoning in his performances. his guest appearances and work outside shameless were far superior for quite a while now. his best scenes on shameless in the last idk three or four years have all been with noel. i don’t think he liked where they took his character after mickey left and i don’t think he liked how they treated mickey’s character. he and noel seemed quite close and they cared a lot about the story they were telling. and stepping outside of just what they did with bringing mickey in for the ending i wanted to vomit when they had ian go to fucking terry milkovich of all people to ask for advice about prison. like how gross can they be? so i guess i got carried away as well but yeah i’m angry and i’m never not going to be angry. just waiting for when they bring them both back magically out of prison for the finale. or just cam and say some shit about mickey staying longer because he got more time. i wouldn’t put anything past them at this point. 

[rayoffuckingsunshyn]

really really long post

I don't know why the fuck I even try to piece myself together when I know dam well I'm a broken ass 400 piece puzzle with at least 147 pieces missing. I've had it all fucked up. The first time i knew i was in deep shit was when I first came out to my family and I remember my parents tried taking me to a therapist to make them make me understand that I wasn't gay. Lol my parent's logic is that if you're gay you're automatically trans. "You can't be femme and be queer, you can't be a masculine guy and be gay." The therapist explained to my mom that I wasn't trans and that i was perfectly fine and I just liked girls. Therapist was concerned about what would happen after i left the room so she gave me a card with her number on it and told me to call her whenever I felt I was in deep shit. As soon as we got out of there, my mom snatched that card from me. That moment, at that moment I knew it was going to be a shitty ride. I had so much anxiety but I couldn't do anything because I wasn't even allowed to have someone's number for safety. Imagine reliving that moment every day for the next 5 years. Just imagine feeling anxious and unsafe in a place you're supposed to feel welcomed, in the place you're supposed to sleep in. Imagine getting blamed for everything even if it doesn't correlate to you at all. Imagine having your parent not talk to you for 6 months straight when you live with them. Imagine getting blamed for your parent’s fights, their failures, their mishaps. imagine being told “if your brother turns out gay it’s your fault and i’ll never forgive you.” Just imagine that for a couple seconds, now think living that for the rest of your life. (: This isn’t the only time i felt i was in deep. i started realizing things after that, like why we would get things thrown at like the phone and other stuff. i remember this one time my brother and i were doing idk what but mom got mad and threw the phone at us. she missed but the wall behind us had a hole. all i could think was what if it would have hit one of us? what would have happened? It happened other times with other stuff of course. These are the little things that once you start adding them up you realize that i am the way i am for a reason. i know that the experiences you go through shouldn’t define you but how can they not when these experiences were the ones that shaped you? i get along with my siblings somewhat. my two older ones are very close-minded so i don’t really talk to them about personal stuff. but my younger brother is amazing. he’s gold. he is funny, witty, loving, innocent, caring. he’s my tiny bean. he says i stress him out lol i understand. i have really bad OCD and i often think about death. i often think about my brother dying. i know i would miss him very very much, i know his room would be empty, i know i won’t hear him humming or playing music, i know i won’t pick him up from school, i know he won’t be there to tell me some petty shit he did or how annoying dumb people are, he won’t be there to come up with some really big words i don’t understand and he has to explain, i know he won’t be there to ask how old am i and then say i’m immature. i would miss texting him from down the hall and then hearing him walking to my room with his heavy ass steps, barging in my room asking if i wanna fight. i would miss him calling me ‘alissa’. i would miss everything about him because he’s the best. he’s the sweetest. he’s the most open minded, understanding, mature, shy little dude. my little big brother. it’s sad to think that i only come home so that i can see my brother and sometimes my nephews. sad to think that i use school as a way to stay out of the house all day long. when i come home, no one says hi, i just go to my brother’s room, say “hey beautiful. i’m home” him: “hey stinky booty”. like i said, he’s gold. after that i just come to my room and stay here til i have to go to work in the middle of the night. this isn’t a way to live. i rarely ever talk to my parents. i mean they talk to me mostly to nag but i don’t respond. i kind of just learned how to tune them out, which is why i zone out a lot. see this is why i like music. it uses so much of my attention that i don’t have to focus or think about anything else but what i’m playing. it’s nice when my mind is quiet and there aren’t any thoughts running through it. idc how hard music gets from here on out, i still like it for the same reason that it uses so much of my attention. i guess this is why i hate affection. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i don’t know how to respond to it. it’s painful, it is embarrassing, it just isn’t my thing...at least not anymore. lol to think i once fell in love is kinda hard to imagine now. to love and to fall in love are two completely different things. i fell in love once and never again. oh man sometimes i wish she could see the damage she caused lol. i was madly in love with her, i would do anything and everything for her, i cared for her the same way i cared for myself, i was there after her surgery. to be honest it was a great feeling, to love so blindly and feel loved back. gosh we had plans and we acted on most of them...then it fell apart. i felt it. i felt it since we started to drift apart. it was those daily phone calls that turned into every other night calls. those visits at school that turned into 5 minute “if you’re not out there when i get there i’m leaving”. it was the long hour waits for a text back. the “oh sorry i was out with my brothers.” we were drifting and i felt it, yet i stayed. how foolish of me. it wasn’t until a couple weeks later a friend of mine which was a really good friend of hers that told me that a girl she went to continuation school with told her that her and my ex gf were dating and they had been dating since a couple weeks back. ohhhhh man my heart dropped, sank, shattered. FUCK. that hurt. but that wasn’t the most painful part lol oh no no no. that was just the beginning hun. i confronted my ex gf. she denied it all, of course, she sweet talked me and told me i was lied to and she was loyal, she would never cheat on me. i remember her bringing me food that day lol she put a little post it note in there saying “i love you” and i believed it for another couple weeks until the drifting happened again. i called out the girl she was cheating on me with and this is how it went “stay tf out of my relationship. you’re just a side hoe and that’s what you’ll always be. just a side bitch” she replied “that’s not what she says ;)” . SON LET ME TELL YOU! hunny i was a crazy bitch back then. but i was also in love so whatever. so i just screenshot the messages, sent them to my then gf, and i told her i was done. i wasn’t gonna be looked at as a fool anymore. again she sweet talked me out of it...this went on. this went on for 3 months. until finally one night she was like “babe we need to talk” oh fuck i knew exactly what was happening. i asked if she wanted to call me instead and she said she couldn’t handle it. she said something about i deserve better and how she told me since the beginning that she was and asshole and i shouldn’t be acting surprised when she had already warned me. she said i would have a great future but for now she wasn’t the one for me. my poor little heart. my mental health went to shit, i had anxiety for months, i was homesick literally from just going to school. i was a wreck. the most painful part though...later i found out that they were together since november and we broke up in february, the next day after she dumped me, she was posting pictures of her on social media...where i still had her/followed her. that was the most painful. knowing that even after she told me she wouldn’t cheat on me specially not with her (the girl she cheated with in the first place lol) knowing that all those times she told me she couldn’t see me or the times she would kick me out her job where she worked at this vietnamese bakery, it was because her side was coming later. knowing that she would lowkey text her and tell her to wait a bit cuz i was still there. knowing that the messages she was receiving and deleting when i was around her were from her side. it just all made sense. after that, never again. never fell in love again. i’ve loved many but never again have i fallen for anyone. i don’t think i can take it. i don’t think i can handle the pain, the anxiety, the depression, the gut feelings, the having to investigate what’s going on. i won’t be able to handle anything that adds to my already fucked up mental health. i hate affection for this too. to show affection and go all out is so embarrassing to me because i feel like i look stupid like in my head there’s this little voice “wow so foolish. you’re nothing but a fool for this person. they don’t want this. you’re so dumb. they’re going to leave you anyway.” it’s a constant thought in my mind and i hate getting called out when i actually do or say something that expresses even the slightest of feelings. i can’t handle it. i hate receiving affection as well. i don’t know how i’m supposed to respond to it, am i supposed to just stand there while they pour out their feelings? am i supposed to hug them? hold their hand? i don’t know. now don’t get me wrong, i have thought about falling again because tbh it feels nice. it’s a warm, fuzzy feeling. it’s missing them when you just saw them a couple hours ago, it’s the butterflies when you see them, it’s smiling when you see their pictures, is just enjoying their company even if you aren’t doing anything, it’s cruising and getting stoned listening to music. it’s all this and more. but it’s so so so scary. it’s frightening enough that when i feel the feels coming in or i wanna pour my little black heart out to someone i have to stop myself. talk to my self “bitch calm tf down you already know exactly how this is going to end.” that thought is always there.

anyway, i am a very empty hearted person for a reason. i am distant from my family for a reason. i don’t exactly like hugging strangers for reasons not stated above. Everyone goes through things but these are just a couple I’ve went through and still going through. they don’t define me but they did shape me.

now goodnight. it’s 4:01 am and i’m supposed to be up at 8:30.