#once you storm a horrible time travelling organization to rescue your teenage nemesis you end up being one of the family

[in-tua-deep]

🔥 Responsible Luther

(Other responsible Luther au posts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven)

After everything happens, after the Commission is destroyed and the apocalypse is permanently stopped, and they give their dad what for... they have to figure out how to live without the apocalypse hanging over their head.

And also, they figure out how to deal with the friends they made along the way.

Which means that Agnes comes over with a casserole and a smile and a dozen new pictures of birds, and Allison brings Claire and Patrick down since there’s now no chance of being caught in the kidnapping crossfire, and Luther thinks he’s going to need to invest in a bigger table heck

Which means that Claire is loudly making bird noises while pointing at the pictures Agnes brought over, while Agnes attempts to teach her the proper ones while Patrick balances little Claire on his lap with all the longsuffering patience of a father of a toddler. 

Klaus is loudly debating the merits of Clue vs. Monopoly with Diego while Vanya shuffles a deck of cards absently because she already knows that they’re going to end up playing poker or something

Luther and Allison are in the kitchen attempting to cook. Allison’s food skills tend to be geared towards the food tastes of a toddler, so she’s got mac ‘n cheese and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets down pat but other things uhhhhh not so much. Luther has gotten progressively better, but he’s no Jamie Oliver

Which leaves Hazel to sit awkwardly at the table across from an unimpressed Five.

“I’m not calling you Uncle Hazel.” Five says dismissively, “No matter what Klaus calls you.”

“That seems fair.” Hazel is awkward as he shuffles uncomfortably on the second-hand chair that Luther picked up after Diego threw Klaus and broke one of them after a particularly lively debate. 

(Klaus seems to have decided that being adopted into the family is punishment enough for Hazel, for some reason. Then again, Five has seen the glint in Klaus’s eye when he gives Hazel a big hug. Klaus is less forgiving than people might think. He’s just very petty about it.)

“You tried to kidnap me.” Five crosses his arms, “Multiple times.”

Hazel clears his throat, “Uh. Yes. That is true. I... did that.”

Five tilts his head, calculatingly. “What do you think that’s worth?”

“W - Worth?” Hazel looks lost. It’s almost sweet, how he even now underestimates Five’s vicious streak. Even after seeing Five with explosives and covered in dust after crawling through the ceilings of the Commission like an unholy gremlin. 

Five shrugs, “If you’re going to be... part of the family or whatever, and I am fully prepared to call Agnes my aunt because let’s be real, I witnessed her slap Dad and that makes her family for life. She seems to like you a lot.”

That makes Hazel smile.

“Ew.” Five can only offer in response to that, “But back to my point. Agnes rules, and I think she’s decided that Mom is her new best friend, Claire is her new grandchild, and that Klaus needs fattening up. Which I guess makes you family, too.”

Hazel just nods, a tad hesitantly.

“We’ve had enough of shit family.” Five says firmly, “So if you’re going to be part of it then you have to commit. You have to be here.”

“Okay.” Hazel says, “I can do that.” He isn’t actually sure he can, but he’s determined to try since he’s head over heels for Agnes and Agnes seems like she’s decided to take the Hargreeves under her wing. 

“Right.” Five nods decisively. “I’m thinking Disney World.”

“Of course - wait.” Hazel pauses, clearly making a moment to process what just came out of Five’s mouth. “What?”

“You kidnapped me.” Five declares, loud enough that Hazel makes shushing noises, even though literally everyone in the house knows about his past. “And I get you helped everyone come get me of whatever, even though I totally had that handled, but you totally kidnapped me. And that’s definitely worth Disney World.”

“You. Want me to take you to Disney World.” Hazel sounds out slowly, as if tasting the words in his mouth before speaking them. As if that will make this conversation make some amount of sense. 

“Me and Claire. And Klaus.” Five clarifies, tapping on the table. “Maybe the others, too.”

“Why.” Hazel asks, just completely flabbergasted. 

Five shrugs. “Klaus wants to go, and I’ve never been. Klaus says that it’s an apology thing if a family member needs forgiving, they do some big nice gesture and then bygones are bygones.”

Hazel processes that. “I don’t think. I don’t think that’s exactly the uh, the healthiest perspective. On that.”

“So.” Five says pointedly.

“I can. Try?” Hazel offers helpfully, “I mean, I’d have to talk it over with uh, with Agnes.”

“Five Hargreeves.” A voice interrupts them, as Luther sweeps in, “Are you blackmailing Hazel?”

Five shrugs unapologetically, “More like blatantly guilting him.”

“That’s my boy!” Klaus hollers from the other room, and then yelps and if they concentrate everyone can hear Vanya scolding their brother. Something about ‘encouraging behavior’ and ‘their ridiculous family already has enough criminal tendencies’.

“In my defense,” Five points out, “He did kidnaps me. And Klaus. More than once.”

“In his defense, you kind of suck as a hostage.” Luther points accusingly at Five with a spatula, “You broke his arm in three places.”

“He was kidnapping me!” Five sputters.

“I did do that.” Hazel offers, looking very contrite. “I deserved that, really.”

“And he fed Mr. Pennycrumb half his vegetables last time he was here.” Five accuses, not appreciating Hazel’s assistance.

That makes Luther put his hands on his hips and stare at a red faced Hazel.

“It was green beans.” Hazel mutters, not quite willing to meet anyone’s eyes and so he addresses the table rather than anyone in the room.

“Is that why he smelled so bad?” Luther demands, looking between Hazel and Five absolutely aghast. 

“Worth a trip to Disney World?” Five grins cheekily. 

Luther just gives a long suffering sigh, “I’m going back to help Allison in the kitchen. This officially no longer involves me.”

Hazel gives Luther’s retreating back the most betrayed look for leaving him alone with Five, which is honestly fair. 

“So.” Five turns his full attention on Hazel, tapping his fingers together and looking like a tiny supervillain. Considering that Five’s literal job used to be fighting villains as part of a child superhero teams, this was likely on purpose. “About that literal guilt trip.”

Hazel just buries his face into his palms and groans.