#only if you want thou! whatever you hot lovely folks are comfortable with!

[catgirlknighted]

Trying to help a friend with a project, but damn do some of you tempt me with your looks! 👄

[offthebeatenpathtexas]

Brad's Rules Suggestions for Cast Iron

GAaaaaahh!!!!!

Do I have your attention? 😄

Good. Now that all the purists, who never actually COOK using their cast iron but who love to dole out cast iron commandments, have all had a heart attack... You and I can talk a little bit about care of cast iron stuff.

There's a couple of pointers that I can give you if you've never used cast iron stuff to cook with before. These are all methods that work for me. There may be better ways to do them and usually there are at least a couple of ways to do anything that are equally as effective.

1. Experts will tell you :

THOU SHALL NOT USE SOAP AND WATER TO CLEAN THINE CAST IRON!!

Bullshit.

Look, avoid soap and water, yes. Unless you need to use soap and water. And then understand what it will mean when/if you do. Most of the time, if you develop good habits, you won't need soap and water to clean your stuff. Soap will remove the (wonderful) almost microscopic "seasoning" layer of oil that makes good skillets virtually non stick. So if you have to resort to soap and water you'll have to re-season your cookware.

But that's the worst of it. To hear people go on about it you'd think the introduction of soapy water to cast iron is the third sign of the apocalypse or something.

There are times when you will need to resort to soapy water, like I have done with the chicken fryer pictured above. So, I figured this would be a good time to explain how I handle seasoning cast iron, since I get messaged about it A LOT.

The fryer I recently bought is in excellent shape. No rust at all, no pitting, perfectly level and flat on the bottom (not warped) and smoooooth as glass on the cooking surface. Most modern stuff is roughly textured because they don't take the time to sand it down smooth when it comes out of the mold at the foundry. I like that smooth, glass like surface, which is one of the reasons that I seek out older pieces.

Anyway, the only issue with this old girl is one commonly found with pieces bought at flea markets and other outside sales. Cast iron is prone to rust when exposed to the elements, so sellers often coat their pieces with heavier amounts of oil as a rust preventative. A lot of times this ends up being a thick, sticky layer of funkiness that grosses me out. The same 'sticky layer' can result from poor seasoning techniques - but more on that later.

Anyway, I'm not going to say some antique cast iron dealers coat their wares with motor oil.... but it's probably best not to eat out of the sticky, gross skillets until they've been properly cleaned and re-seasoned.

So, into the hot soapy water the Old Girl went and scrubbing with a no-scratch scrubber commenced. I used this one. Doesn't it look cheerful?

I scrubbed and rinsed until the gunk was off, then dried the fryer and lid as dry as I could get them using towels.

They will look bone dry, but don't fall for that shit.

There is microscopic water hiding in the pores of the iron just waiting to rust. So the iron goes onto a stove burner on medium low heat for a bit. You don't want to get her smoking hot. Just heat to the point that it's not comfortable to handle bare handed. This will evaporate the remaining water 👍.

Now take the piece off the heat and rub a thin layer of some type of fat all over, inside and out. You can find TONS of recommendations online for seasoning agents with DIRE predictions of what will happen if you don't follow the author's advice...

I use Crisco. It's a cooking shortening that is solid at room temperature, has a low melting point, a pretty decent smoke point, and has been around forever.

Some folks swear by olive oil. Some people won't use anything but grapeseed oil or cottonseed oil or flaxseed oil. Some people will sell you expensive specially made seasoning stuff that comes in what looks like a can of snuff or a tube of deodorant. All have their pros and cons and defenders and detractors, including my beloved Crisco.

You use what you want.

The piece should be hot enough so that the crisco (or whatever) liquefies immediately on contact, but not so hot that it starts to smoke or burn. Rub the stuff all over in a thin layer and then turn your oven on its lowest setting.

Take a clean towel and rub the seasoning agent (crisco) off the piece being seasoned. Lint free towels are best so you don't leave little bits of paper towel on your skillet.

You will be tempted to not wipe it all off and leave a visible layer.

Don’t.

You want to build up multiple thin microscopic layers of oil/fat on the surface of the cast iron. Any more than that super thin layer can result in the tacky sticky mess I mentioned before. Its the most common mistake that I made when first learning to season and re-season my cast iron. I’d leave too much behind and the next time I got my skillet out to cook with it I found a sticky mess. 

So give the piece a good rub down and have faith :)

Turn the oven heat off and put the cast iron piece inside the oven on the rack upside down. You will read in some instructions that you should "put down a layer of foil underneath the skillet to catch the oil drippings"... but you won't have to worry about that because you wiped ALL the excess oil/crisco out like I told you.

Didn't you ? 😊

When the item has cooled off take it out of the oven. Put it back on the stove top on a low/medium burner to warm up and then apply another super thin layer of seasoning agent inside and out. Then wipe ALL of it off the piece again.

You can leave out the oven part this time if you like. I've found that it makes no difference for me in the process after the first round. In either case, let the item cool and repeat seasoning for a total of at least three times.

You're done!

Beautiful!

Glass like surface that's ready to go. If you care for it, the seasoning will just get better over time. Here's some hints for preserving it easily.

1. Don't use your cast iron to boil water (like when making pasta), unless that's all you are going to use it for. Boiling water will remove the microscopic seasoning layer like soap does. Stews and chili are fine since there is usually enough oil/fat in the food to maintain the seasoning.

2. If you are done with dinner and are ready to clean up, warm up the skillet a bit first if it has cooled off. Not super hot, just warm. Warm food comes off easier.

3. Depending on what I am cooking, often my clean up consists of just wiping out the skillet with paper towels. But if more cleaning is required you usually dont have to resort to soap.

Instead of soap to clean with, I usually put my (warm, not hot) skillet in the sink. Add several tablespoons of water and instead of soap add about 1/4 cup of salt. I use a soap free scrubby pad and the salt acts as an abrasive. Usually any stuck on bits come right off. The pan gets dried off and goes back in the stove top to evaporate any residual moisture and to warm up. Then I wipe on a maintenance micro thin layer of crisco and wipe it all off afterward.

Done! Takes less time than it takes me to clean a steel pan and cast iron is much nicer to work with.

4. The best thing you can do to improve your cast iron stuff is to USE IT. Repeated uses with the little re-season treatment at the end will soon have your cast iron just as non stick as teflon - without all the nasty chemicals.

5. The VERY best thing you can do to improve your cast iron is to deep dry something in it. All that oil heated to 350°F for a typical cooking session really does wonders for getting the iron to soak up the oil into its pours.

6. If you mess up and have to use soap and water to clean your stuff, don’t panic!! Just start at the beginning and do the initial three rounds of seasoning again and you’ll be back on track.

[turning-the-kaleidoscope]

wanted to write a lil something so here’s some fluffy queerplatonic serirei!! 

(Read on AO3)

Sometimes it’s as simple as being tired after a long day and coming home knowing he won't be spending the evening alone on the couch, mindlessly watching TV, or better yet, hour after hour on social media, chasing away whatever thought he could and then some. It made for an exhausting night and he never went to bed or woke up fulfilled.

Things are different, now. 

He walks through the door of the apartment, sighing in relief as he kicks off his shoes and tosses his coat at the hanger by the entryway. He misses quite appallingly and has to bend down and hang it up properly, but it's only a minor inconvenience.

“Arataka? That you?”

“Yeah,” Reigen calls back, starting into the living room. He can hear Serizawa bustling about in the kitchen. “I'm gonna shower real quick, I'll catch up with you after.”

“Alright!” Serizawa answers chipperly. His enthusiasm isn't annoying, it never is; if anything, it comes as a breath of relief after a long, painstaking day. It helps Reigen keep his head up.

He grabs a T-shirt and pair of sweats from the closet before heading into the hall bathroom to shower. There's no doubt in his mind that dinner will be ready soon. He should hurry.

Reigen knows how to cook, but very rarely can he find the time in his busy schedule to actually prepare anything. He knows he's better off grabbing something cheap from a restaurant on his way to work; he doesn't have to worry about groceries rotting in the fridge that way, either.

Serizawa didn't know how to cook until Reigen taught him. It was a fun day; they wound up in a food war of sorts, except they'd been baking and their ammunition was limited to flour, sugar, and most noticeably, a few unfortunate eggs. They drew the line after three eggs were Tragically lost to the war, but nothing else was sacred. They went through an entire bag of flour as well as the entirety of their hot water through several failed showers that never completely got the job done.

Anyway.

Reigen sighs and flops facedown on the couch, relieved to be off his feet. He doesn't think he's ever ached this badly before in his entire life. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this spent, either. God, what a day. He really could just sink into the couch cushions and stay there forever.  

He didn't realize just how close he'd come to falling asleep until the cool, gentle touch of a familiar hand to the back of his neck pulls him out of it. He murmurs a quiet something--he's not even sure what it was supposed to be himself--but somehow Serizawa understands, like he always does. He laughs softly.

“Long day, huh.”

Reigen nods stiffly, eyes shut, relishing in Serizawa's gentle touch as his hand drifts from his neck to his back, applying careful, measured pressure there.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Reigen groans. “Not particularly. Just a lot of inconveniences. Lotta running around. Lotta backtracking. Lotta questioning my sanity.”

Serizawa laughs again and Reigen feels pride in being the one to draw that out of him. “Sorry, ‘taka. Sounds rough.”

“Oh you shoulda met the clients, you would've hated them. They were so self-righteous. It was like they hired me just so they could lecture me about my business and how I was doing it wrong. Pretty intent on showing off their silverware collection, too. Who brags about forks? Oh my god.”  

Serizawa sits on the edge of the couch with him, hand never leaving his back. “‘Higher than thou’ kind of people?”

“Hnng, somethin' like that. I’m tired, I dunno. But they were jerks, you wouldn’t believe it. And then the busses never went as far as the clients’ houses, so there was a lot of walking, and then...”

Whether or not he’d meant to, he’s rambling now, and Serizawa sits with him patiently and listens to every word.

Reigen didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until he wakes up in bed with no memory of how he got there, the room dark and Serizawa’s hand still tracing his spine, only this time they’re both lying down with a blanket over them and Serizawa’s chin rests atop his head.

He recalls, faintly, that they hadn’t eaten dinner (unless Serizawa did and he just doesn’t know), but honestly, he’s more tired than he is hungry, and he definitely isn’t hungry enough to disturb this comfort. He’s never had something like this before meeting Serizawa and he isn’t going to screw it up.

Whether or not Serizawa knows he’s awake goes unanswered, and in the end, Reigen is quick to fall asleep again.

Evenings will typically go something like this. Talking about their days, eating dinner, going to bed content. It’d seem like such a small thing, perhaps, to those “higher than thou” folk earlier who bashed Reigen for the kind of business he ran, for his “shabby attire,” for his personality.

But in a way it’s kinda sad, because people like that will never find such joy and rest and peace in quiet moments like this, so small but, in the scheme of things, so precious. It really is just as simple as having someone to talk to who will listen. It really is just as simple as coming home with the knowledge that he won’t be alone. And he loves Serizawa, and Serizawa loves him back, and together they make up for each other’s missing pieces. It's more than Reigen could ever ask for. More than enough. 

And he wouldn't trade a single moment of it for the world. 

[quranreadalong]

#167, Surah 33

THE QURAN READ-ALONG: DAY 167

We’re not done with the messiness and mental images of Mo in flagrante delicto, I’m sorry to tell you. It continues on straight to the end of the surah.

33:49 is one of those ayat that doesn’t fit in either yesterday’s section or today’s, so let’s start with that. If you (“you” meaning men, so much for that one line including women yesterday) marry a woman, Allah says, but divorce her before you consummate the marriage, then there is no waiting period. If you recall, there is usually a waiting period or iddah to make sure the lady isn’t pregnant before the divorce is finalized. But no consummation means no chance of pregnancy. Fair enough.

Now then. Onto the bullshit. 33:50-51:

O Prophet! Lo! We have made lawful unto thee thy wives unto whom thou hast paid their dowries, and those whom thy right hand possesseth of those whom Allah hath given thee as spoils of war, and the daughters of thine uncle on the father's side and the daughters of thine aunts on the father's side, and the daughters of thine uncle on the mother's side and the daughters of thine aunts on the mother's side who emigrated with thee, and a believing woman if she give herself unto the Prophet and the Prophet desire to ask her in marriage - a privilege for thee only, not for the (rest of) believers - We are Aware of that which We enjoined upon them concerning their wives and those whom their right hands possess - that thou mayst be free from blame, for Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful. Thou canst defer whom thou wilt of them and receive unto thee whom thou wilt, and whomsoever thou desirest of those whom thou hast set aside (temporarily), it is no sin for thee (to receive her again); that is better; that they may be comforted and not grieve, and may all be pleased with what thou givest them.

I would like to quote Aisha’s opinion on this verse:

It seems to me that your Lord hastens to satisfy your desire.

It sure does, Aisha. It sure the fuck does.

To summarize: Allah has given Mo various wives (including... his cousins...) and sex slaves. He doesn’t have to abide by the four-wives-maximum rule like other men, and he can marry a woman even without getting the normally-required permission from her male guardian or giving her the normally-required mahr/dower. He can also choose to carry out his “husbandly duties” however he wishes, rather than adhering to a schedule in which each wife gets the equal pleasure of sleeping with him. Mohammed, in short, can do whatever the hell he wants.

Sigh. First one is bad for saying Allah approves of sexual slavery, second one is dumb but I guess neutral. Next, Mohammed attempts to make this all a bit less appalling by imposing some restrictions upon himself:

It is not allowed thee to take (other) women henceforth, nor that thou shouldst change them for other wives even though their beauty pleased thee, save those whom thy right hand possesseth.

Mohammed can’t marry any women other than the ones he’s already married to (the ladies in All My Wives parts 1 and 2), though he can still rape his sex slaves (bad).

Of course, as we saw in the third part of All My Wives, Mo did in fact take wives after this prohibition. So what gives? Well, a hadith tells us what gives: Allah abrogated this verse and let Mo marry as many women as he wanted.

'Aishah said: "The Messenger of Allah did not die until Allah permitted him to marry whatever women he wanted."

Ah. Naturally. Allah would never inconvenience his beloved prophet by limiting him to a mere half-dozen or so wives.

So, having established that Mo can do whatever he wants, let’s talk about what Mo’s wives can do.

O Ye who believe! Enter not the dwellings of the Prophet for a meal without waiting for the proper time, unless permission be granted you. But if ye are invited, enter, and, when your meal is ended, then disperse. Linger not for conversation. Lo! that would cause annoyance to the Prophet, and he would be shy of (asking) you (to go); but Allah is not shy of the truth. And when ye ask of them (the wives of the Prophet) anything, ask it of them from behind a curtain. That is purer for your hearts and for their hearts. And it is not for you to cause annoyance to the messenger of Allah, nor that ye should ever marry his wives after him. Lo! that in Allah's sight would be an enormity.

1) Mohammed’s wives cannot remarry after he dies, ever. (And none of them did.) No one should even think about doing it, also Allah knows everyone’s thoughts etc.

2) Mo’s wives can only be addressed by men from behind a curtain, for the sake of “purity” (bad; this does not apply to women, slaves, and immediate family members, who can talk to his wives normally).

3) Okay this one is one of the (genuinely) funniest verses in the Quran so I need y’all to pay attention. Let me show you a hadith:

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) became the bridegroom of Zainab bint Jahsh whom he married at Medina. After the sun had risen high in the sky, the Prophet (ﷺ) invited the people to a meal. Allah's Apostle remained sitting and some people remained sitting with him after the other guests had left. Then Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) got up and went away, and I too, followed him till he reached the door of `Aisha's room. Then he thought that the people must have left the place by then, so he returned and I also returned with him. Behold, the people were still sitting at their places. So he went back again for the second time, and I went along with him too. When we reached the door of `Aisha's room, he returned and I also returned with him to see that the people had left. Thereupon the Prophet (ﷺ) hung a curtain between me and him and the Verse regarding the order for (veiling of women) Hijab* was revealed.

*(The ayah uses hijab in its literal sense, meaning a curtain--one that divides women and men. We’re not talking about the clothing item people call “a hijab” here. Whenever the Quran uses the word hijab, it means a curtain/divider.)

So. After Mohammed and Zaynab get married, they hold a celebratory feast in his house. Everyone is eating and laughing and having a great time. So great, in fact, that people aren’t leaving. They’re just sitting around talking to each other. Mohammed just wants to catch up on Two and a Half Men. I mean... I get it. We’ve all been there, Mo.

I like to imagine Mohammed getting increasingly annoyed by people’s inability to disperse and demonstrating his displeasure in increasingly petty ways. First, he gets up and walks away to his wives’ rooms, hoping people take the easy hint. He waits out of sight for a few minutes (followed by the annoying narrator of this hadith, Anas) and browses 9GAG on his phone. Once ten minutes have passed, he thinks it seems quieter, so he gets up and goes back... only to observe everyone huddled around a guy holding a phone, watching a Vine compilation. They burst into laughter. Mohammed sighs.

He then turns to my mother’s preferred tactic: cleaning up the place. He gets out the plastic wrap and puts away all the food. He grabs a dustpan and gets on the floor to sweep up the crumbs, and stacks everyone’s red Solo cups with intentional harshness so it makes a noise. No one seems to notice. He clears his throat and approaches one of the stragglers, Saad. “Can you move your feet so I can sweep up underneath you?”

Saad barely registers his presence. “What? Yeah, sure, whatever.”

That tactic having failed, Mohammed begins to feel desperate. He goes back to his wives’ rooms, and checks on Aisha again. Anas, who is still following him around, peers into her room: she is bored and watching anime. Mohammed glares at him and then turns back to the doorway.

“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, AISHA?” he yells. “WHAT WAS THAT? SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, IT’S TOO LOUD.” He turns back to Anas and adds: “WOW, IT SURE IS LOUD IN HERE, ISN’T IT?”

That finally gets the attention of a few of the stragglers, who feel ashamed and quickly pack up and leave. Now there are only a few oblivious ones left, and Mohammed has no choice but to get out the vacuum to drown out their conversation. Soon enough, they get the hint too. 

But there is still a problem: goddamn Anas, who seems to think Mohammed wants him there for some reason. Nothing is getting rid of this guy. Mohammed even says he’s gonna take a nap, and Anas is still there. There is only one option left to him........ the nuclear option.

Mohammed’s eyes roll back in his head and he begins swaying side to side. “I............... I am receiving a transmission.............” he groans. Anas looks on in shock. “Yes......... yes! Allah is speaking to me................... he sayeth: ‘get the fuck out of my--I mean, the Prophet’s house right now, you huge goddamn loser. Why is everyone in this city so dense? Christ.’ Oh,” Mohammed adds, dramatically grabbing the blanket off the couch and holding it out in front of him, “And Allah addeth: ‘stop looking at the Prophet’s wives. Tell everyone else that too. It displeaseth me. Get your own hot wives to look at’. End transmission.” Mohammed passes out and Anas flees in terror.

That’s how I imagine it went down, anyway. The Greatest Book of All Time, folks.

Moving on: Allah loves Mohammed, so you have to invoke blessings and salutations upon him. For those who are not aware of this, this is why Muslims put PBUH (peace be upon him), SAW/SAWS (in Arabic), or ﷺ (the phrase in Arabic, so you don’t have to type out the whole thing) after Mohammed’s name. This gets really annoying whenever you’re reading a long Islamic work about Mohammed ﷺ, or the Prophet ﷺ or Messenger of Allah ﷺ or what have you ﷺ, because many authors put ﷺ after Mohammed’s ﷺ name every goddamn time he ﷺ is mentioned. It reminds me of that episode of Spongebob ﷺ in Rock Bottom ﷺ when the characters ﷺ punctuated every other word ﷺ with a “pfft” sound ﷺ ﷺ ﷺ ﷺ .

ANYWAY, you know what we haven’t seen in a while? A kuffar hell counter hit. Let’s rectify that situation.

those who malign Allah and His messenger, Allah hath cursed them in the world and the Hereafter, and hath prepared for them the doom of the disdained.

There we go. Kuffar hell counter: 1! The word malign up there literally means “annoy”, which makes me laugh, cuz it comes right after Mo was complaining about people annoying him because they refused to leave his house after eating a meal. Imagine ending up in hell bc you were too busy talking to your friend to notice that Mohammed wanted some peace and quiet.

Mo adds that those who annoy other Muslims without reason are also committing an offense, though he leaves off the hell part in that ayah so it’s neutral.

And that’s where we’ll leave it for today. This surah is a disaster.

NEXT TIME: The end of the surah, featuring hijab stuff and the kuffar hell counter!!!

The Quran Read-Along: Day 167

Ayat: 10

Good: 0

Neutral: 6 (33:49, 33:51, 33:54-56, 33:58)

Bad: 4 (33:50, 33:52-53, 33:57)

Kuffar hell counter: 1 (33:57)

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