#ooohhhh im getting awfully close to revealing my own brand of mental issues ooohhhh

[thermodynamic-comedian]

i could be projecting cuz there's a reason i connect with the vast, but i feel like there's a lot of angst potential to simon fairchild.

the vast is, by nature, an uncaring god. it represents a universe in which you do not matter. and that can feel both comforting and terrifying at the same time.

we don't know simon's real name. he's probably forgotten it himself by now. it doesn't matter to him.

it's not as overtly tragic as something like the lonely. instead of isolation and depression, it presents as hedonism and recklessness. you feel free. you feel light and unburdened. but the reality of it is that you're losing yourself. you've stopped caring about yourself. you've stopped even considering yourself a real person, after all, in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing at all, and you're more than alright with that.

you figured out that what you do doesn't matter, and instead of letting go of that, you fixated on it. you're clinging to your own meaninglessness as a lifeline. if you don't matter, you can do what you want. finally. if you don't matter, you're free. finally.

and if you don't matter, your name doesn't matter. why not just take someone else's? and if you don't matter, your actions don't matter. why feel guilty about anything? you're free, isn't this what you wanted? doesn't it feel good to not matter?

the reality of the situation is that you no longer matter to yourself. and you don't want to matter to anyone else ever again.