#or dont its fucking funny that you have this level of audacity

[molliemoo3]

DS Penske 🤝 Team Penske

Blatantly cheating and hoping

no one notices

[princessbrunette]

toxicex!rafe telling all boys that your off limits and you finally confront him but he just acts confused and oblivious 😑

｡˚.𖧧 🐩🥛🤍 𖧧.˚｡

trying to flirt with the guy you usually flirt with but he’s acting all different, barely looking you in the eye and awkwardly shuffling away.

“why are you acting like that?” you pout, all rejected and downtrodden.

“look, sweetheart. just don’t wanna get my ass beat. you didn’t hear this from me but that ex boyfriend of yours is fucking insane. showed up to my place waving a gun around and everything. you’re cute but it ain’t worth my life. sorry.”

you’re mortified, coming to the harrowing realisation of why seemingly every guy on this side of the island had been avoiding you. you spot rafe at the country club bar the next night, harnessing a drink in a short glass and you march over — all dramatic with your bracelets jangling and shoes clacking.

“you’re scaring everyone off, rafe? that’s what we’re doing now?” you command, staring up at him with that frown he thinks is just adorable.

“hello to you too.” he drawls with a smirk, bringing his glass to his lips.

“its not funny, rafe. you can’t do that!”

“i have no idea what you’re talkin’ about, alright? go run along n’find your girlfriends. no need to make a scene like you always do.”

“me? make a scene? you’re the one waving a gun around. you don’t own me anymore rafe you can’t —”

“hey.” he barks suddenly before pressing his lips together in irritation, drawing in a few ragged breaths as he looks around, leaning down to your level. “you watch that mouth, yeah? you’re mine. okay? all of this?” he gestures to your body, stepping closer. “mine. this? this fuckin’ thing right here?” he closes in more, a large hand cupping under your skirt to grab a hold of your pussy. as much as you clench, and yearn for his touch in that very spot — the anger at the audacity wins and you shove him off, pushing at his firm chest which barely moves him, yet he backs off anyway with a boyish laugh.

“dont touch me.” you huff, prissy and pouty as you adjust your bag on your shoulder and stick your chin in the air determinedly. he huffs out a chuckle, shaking his head as he raises his glass to take another sip.

“yeah well, good luck gettin’ any other sucker to touch you. told everyone you’re off limits.” he takes his sip, licking over his moistened lips afterwards which he obviously notices you drop your eyes to. god, he’s smug. “mm. you’ll be back m’sure, when you want some dick.”

you’ve had enough, feeling all hot and bothered because not only is he pissing you off but he’s turning you on and the whole thing is just too much. you storm off and he follows you with his eyes, arrogant smirk on his face as he tongues at his cheek, watching your ass in that little skirt. “nice to see you, sweetheart.” he calls after you, and you ignore him.

｡˚.𖧧 🐩🥛🤍 𖧧.˚｡

[hurricanebrain]

I don't know what it is

I don't know what it is that makes people act so shit to me. This dude, on tinder, yes I'm trying tinder and I set very clearly in my bio that I'm looking for friendships. If you're laughing at me now, check the title of the app. So many people were just looking for friends on a super popular app that they changed the name into 'Looking for friends, dating, meet new people' something like that. Anyway, this dude... Works and lives really nearby but opposite directions. Like 1 kilometer towards one side and 1 towards the other. We clicked, I thought. We've only been talking for literally maybe 2 days and he wants to meet up. And honestly sure yaknow, if I feel like I can I will. Lately I'm really fucking uncomfortable with literally fucking everything, so doing this tinder shit I was waiting to disappoint someone and therefore disappoint or annoy myself. So the story is, we talked about meeting up and I told him Wednesday that I was up for a smoke the next evening because I hadnt slept that night. Wednesdaynight I was up again. Couldn't sleep. It's normal, since I was a kid I had these days/nights where I wondered if time even was correct since my days took so long being awake for so long. But I hadn't slept in 2 days and I told him that I was too tired and really needed my sleep that evening and that I was sorry etc. He was like don't worry, I have ADHD myself so I get it, have the same problem. My ass: *friendly connection feelings, +1 level up in friendly vibes* But then today, Friday, I had a tiny photoshoot thingy with a friend of mine which was planned for the day before but I was so sleepy and my mind was just not there that we moved it to the next day. Me, not wanting to scare another person away by canceling twice, cancelled anyway to the tinderdude. His reaction... What the fuuuck. I told him I was again tired and last night slept, but it was 4 hours and I didnt wake up fresh and shiny. Now that I think about it, I woke up at 5:30 something 30-something. I slept like short so short that my brain is like skip this shit Z, (I'm calling myself Z just for privacy shit or whatever) but my brain just is not working with me rn. Still so tired. ANYWAY. The PHUCKing dude. Mister 'wee i work at a vintage store hihi i am funny and cool or whatever and totally not pushy also *pushes* hihi hihi hihi', he had some fucking audacity man jesus christ. I literally thought we were vibing on the same level ish youknow. But no. I told him I couldn't meet him tonight because I'm pudding. I'm literally potato pudding. Microwaved and baked, I'm over. Im gonna just fukcing type the convo we had:

Me: Do you mind if we hang out tomorrow instead? I'm so tired man I slept 4 hours. Still so tired rip Dude: Lololol Me: Tomorrow evening, does that suit you? If the weathers shit we can hang at mine Tomorrow during the day my bed is gonna be fixed omfg Dude: No And we can hang at mines too you know. No hard feelings Ok ok ok Me: Sunday then? Dude: Nope Me: Aaa So when can you? Dude: Yea well until thursday next week I can't any day. Me: Ohh...

and here's where my sketchy vibes kick in, the No, Nope, like, you seem to really want to chill yet you seem like ?¿

Dude: So yeah. Just come tonight :') Otherwise there's gonna be something every time *arrogant kinda questioning frown emoji* Okay byeeeee (I didnt respond in 30 minutes because yaknow household chores and shit but hey) Me: I told you I didn't sleep in 2 days, that I'm tired as hell, so now you suddenly can't hang other days hoping my energy will just appear? But good to know you're programmed like that. And disappointing too.

He didnt respond, I don't know if he will but I fucking hate these things. I'm so far gone. All those grouphomes really fucked up the way I connect with people. I never randomly did something spontanious to others. I'm scared of others. I don't know what anyone things or wants to do and what their intentions are with me. It terrifies me and I have no idea how to fix me. I feel unfixable, because every time I try to connect I fail. I can't always tell if its me or if its someone else. Or just an apparently not so great connection as I thought. It might be the last one, but is this the whole kissing frogs until you find your match thing about? What fucking frogzilla's do I have to kiss before I meet my person. How much damage can I take from just people not seeing me as a person. I feel like the only way is to try not feeling like I am a person. I keep telling myself, I have an ID, a body, but inside I'm nowhere. I'm long gone. And guess who took some extra diazepine and elbow called tinderdude on whatsapp. Me. 'Sorry accident' After he didnt respond to me. I look greater and greater every fucking minute. I'm so embarrassing man.

But besides that I had a tiny photoshoot today! I'm very pro boobies and that's a whole other story. But I'm comfortable with my boobs and if ÍF I'm at the beach I dont wear a top. Freedom as hell. And I dont wear bra's. It's uncomfortable, it just looks sexy. So he found me on Onlyfans and literally just politely asked if I wanted to talk about taking pictures with him as he just started this series of photo's. And he is nó creep at all I wouldn't have let him in if I didn't triplecheck his vibes. And he's pretty shy too when it comes to taking pics. At least he seems to appear shy, I learned everyone can set up an act and do crazy shit for their own crazy needs. But it was fun. It was a first time but it was really cool having a testround, or like a demo version of what were going to do. Were swapping photo's of poses or pictures that we like and then we talk about outfits and stuff and locations, it's fun. He's 4 years younger but it's crazy as a 27 year old to have 4 year difference with someone and still vibe. I used to feel like that was a lot, but the mid to end twenties rocks man. I just wish I was idfk gained the fucking blessings to find nice people, and that when I do that not some crazy fucked up shit happens that causes me to want to plan my suicide but first get rid of friends and make them dislike me so they don't really have to miss me because I was a bitch to them. It's so painful to miss someone you really liked. Dead or alive I mean I miss so many people and I try not to. I really wish I could give less fucks about everything. Life sucks. But yeaaaaaaa that was it. I hope I'm gonna just keep posting my shit here instead of nowhere or in word.

If you relate feel free to contact me, I'm more comfortable with online friends than irl ones. Thanks for reading <3

[untoldtruths]

Lifting me up , tearing me down , I take responsibility for everything I have done.

I was so infatuated , every move, every word I was so consumed in wanting to be everything and anything you wanted. I wanted to be where you were . Time & Time again I fell short. I was never good enough then ( and it is clear I am not good enough now ). 

The world really has its fucked ways of working . I spent years trying to convince you I was worthy of your time you dated Cain& Clau....only for you to then spend years doing the same watching on the side lines of my life ... which is what you would portray as a tragedy and train wreck ( also known as MY LIFE ) . It is no surprise if today you feel you wasted years of your life , I would say those thoughts are justified but wouldn't be fully accurate. At least not for me . 

Fear : It consumed us , jealously it ruined us, Anger it killed us. 

Where I went wrong is literally the moment in your life when you try what you believe is last HOPE the last straw ,you stoop to levels to get a reaction because you fear he has lost all interest .... yes I am talking about seeing if something you would do if your actions would get a reaction (THE worst idea don’t ever do this people ) if something you’d do would make him mad or jealous ( i had this notion that if it does anger him he still cares ) I wanted anything any reaction , of jealousy of anger.... but when I walked into your friends house (you were still seeing one of the girls or maybe just ending things with them ) and you stood there to only find out it’s all good he gave me permission to “ sleep with you “ .... PERMISSION.... WHAATTTT . I didn’t like being weak I didn’t like being controlled or to show anyone I cared about anything I didn’t want anyone to have power over me .... do even know thé feeling the rage NO You dont because NONE of my friends are or ever will be able to fuck you because I would kill them never would i never have i allowed anyone to know how amazing you are in bed I don’t speak on these things for a reason ... but to be told YOU gave someone .. PERMISSION . do you know what type of anger that ignites in a person when you hear “ I was given permission to bang you “ that isnt bro code fellas .....thats a straight loan from the bank like a rent to buy ...It didn’t matter that I knew and loved every inch of you it didnt matter that i could pick you out blindfolded from a line of people just by the smell of your clothes ... it didn’t matter NONE of it matters because I was SO hurt SO angry (your probably saying but isn’t this what you wanted .a reaction to see if he cared well he clearly didn’t care )because the way I seen it is you could care fucking less about me standing there giving permission like you owned me . Fuck At least take me to dinner and pretend to be interested before RENTING me out to your friends. Which in hindsite was a very bad fucking idea because it fucked everything Up when I went through with it

Anger , sadness PAIN, all the things I felt a long with very broken this combo of things is atomic , disastrous ... the thing is you could trash me and you did and in the same breath tell the world you loved me while simultaneously giving permission to your friend to rail me. But somehow I was horrible for following through with it NOT  HIM HE ASKED PERMISSION .... so when years later it happened again I guess my letter to ask you if I could fuck you friend to piss you off to see if you cared HOPING YOU DID AND WOULD SAY FUCK NO OFF LIMITS CLEARLY got lost in that snail mail .... , it wouldn’t be totally false to say I did it to fucking piss you off. I mean we aren’t here to speak on those humans . But if you asked your friend they would say my work could use a little work because of how uninterested I was in truly banging them . I was bitch about anything or anyone trying to control me I just knew the reason I was there was because you said I should be you gave the man your blessing ..  Sounds ironic doesn’t it ... I didnt want you telling me what I should do who i should do but here I was , But as the days months went on it didnt phase you me sleeping with him was like a transaction so it seemed , I would cry for you like a bitch baby call you up you would continue to allow me to reach out like a sick dog when i was in need youd come get me .. youd care for me ... you’d try to comment on what I wore in pictures the negative attention I craved but NEVER once explained yourself. YOU fucking OWNED me every single inch of me. Don’t worry people this isn’t all his fault I hold myself accountable I mean I didnt have to fuck his friend... or his other friend but I was the only one who told him he was my best fucking friend of course I was going to tell him like fuck life was wild ) 

Realizing what I did it fucking hurt man , so bad I cry to this day even thinking about how much you controlled my every breath without EVEN fully realizing it ....the firs 4 years you'd text me I would drive to you... I would drop my life It didn’t matter I was there.

 I can still  smell you. I can still feel the warmth of your body on mine. The way you would run your hand through my hair as you kissed me the way you stared at me. The way you’d trace my tattoo knowing I only got it because you had it too . 

The fucking stubborness of us both .

and here I am with the AUDACITY to write about it all .

Well folks judge me all you want . People have been doing it all my life even when I was good so why not express yourself.

I am leaving out so many details like the ones that make me look like the shittiest human but in my version of How ROS met Me it started with me who was obssed with him to the point of trying to convince myself i wasn’t .... so in that moment of my life loving him wasn’t allowed .. you know when you try to do everything or truly ANYONE really to try and get over someone and prove to yourself that the love of your life isn’t a douche bag who just told his friend he could bang your psycho ass ......that is what got me.. I wanted so bad to be KARMA to be like OH YOU WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE PERMISSION TO SLEEP WITH ME PFFT this wont be the best sex your friends had because only YOU GET THAT duh, but I wasnt letting this go quietly .. I was now angry and on a mission to prove to myself you meant nothing , I tried so hard. 

Funny thing is every year without a shadow of a doubt we seen each other with until something happened I ended up at the hospital alone dealing with something.... i had to make a decision that I knew would kill you and so I did it alone I got scared to face the reality of my horrible choices (did you know that they keep medical records of when these things happen ... yup so becareful who comes with you to your check ups because I never wanted anyone to know what I did ) but after that I needed to get away and I got a job with an jazz airline to go move to AB I was running away to leave the town and I had a goodbye party and everything and right before it happened I latched on to a broken man from my work a man whos life was so far from being connected with anyone here I literally abandoned everyone moved literally just to a city over and never seen anyone, it was a growing experience. ( It didn’t do much because here the fuck I am writting about you 13 years later ) 

I don’t know at what point you’ll be at in your life when you ever get the chance to read this but I’m sorry for what I did. I know it’ll add to your hate towards me but I think we’re past that . Not sure you could dislike me More than you already do .