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#or just too tierd to put the food on my plate
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#I'm so tired explaining to my nt parents my “ disordered eating''#YES I'M FUCKING AWARE THAT NOT BEING HUNGRY ISN'T NORMAL#i figured that shit out over my 18 years on this planet#food sometimes makes my want to gag#i find it really unappealing#I'm not hungry a good amount of those times#or just too tierd to put the food on my plate#ik shocker that's not normal either#but i can't help it#if i could i fucking would#telling that it's not normal doesn't actually help me with it#idk what's wrong with me#and yeah i don't care that much about fixing it#I'm tiered always stressed and doing many other things to fix this#i take advantage of it though to a degree bc dieting and loosing weight has been on my mind since preschool#it's sad af#i remember looking down at my stomach and thinking that i need to loose some weight#i remember how sad i was the next couple of days bc i couldn't restrict myself from eating as easily as i could in the past#i was probably 5 fucking years old but at this point is a core memory of mine#i wish i could love eating again as much as i did#but i can't#whatever is wrong with my head has messed with my appetite so badly that i can't go back#diet culture has convinced me that gaining weight is bad even though I'm underweight and need to#but same as the last time this happened i don't do it on purpose this time at least I'm self aware enough to stop it before it reaches the#point of starting to loose my hair#it's messy and complicated i don't know how to fix it but their response doesn't help either it makes things worse
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robinbuckleysfringe · 7 years
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I Solemly Swear That I'm Up To No Good
{here is the next chapter guys}
*set in POA*
Eleanor's POV
I was walking through the crowds of family's saying goodbye to each other on Platform 9 3/4 when I overheard someone talking about the mass murderer Sirius Black. I ignored it and made my way onto the train and into an empty compartment. I looked at the locket that was round my neck, opening it to see the pictures of my mum and dad. I smiled a sad smile knowing that they were both no longer in my life. And for some strange reason, I wondered wether the woman I had called my mother for eleven years still remembered me. I looked up from my locket when I heard someone enter the compartment, to find Fred and George, my favourite pair of red heads, walk in.
"Hey" I greeted them. "Hey" they both greeted back at the same time. "So" -Fred "How's your" -George "Summer been" they both finished together. "Oh the usual, you know? Not much. My grandmothers painting screamed at me again cuz I kept knocking over the hat stand in the hallway and Kreacher made rubbish sandwiches. What about you?" "Oh us?" George questioned. "We pranked Ron again, turned his hair purple for a week." Fred told me. "And then we continuously teased him that Sirius Black would kill him in his sleep. We went to Egypt as well." George finished. "Cool. So what do you think about Sirius Black escaping from Azkaban. No ones ever done it before, so why now?" "Dunno" they both replied. By now we were quite far from the station and the trolley lady was making her rounds. Since no one had much to say as we were all thinking about the previous topic, I got up and brought some sweets for us to snack on.
"I got Dumbledore again." I groaned, opening another Chocolate Frog. Suddenly the train lurched to a stop, causing me to go flying across the compartment into Fred. "Sorry." I muttered, blushing slightly. "It's alright." Fred replied back with a smirk on his face. I sat back in my seat. "What do ya think caused the train to stop? We can't be there yet" I wondered out loud. But my question was answered when at the air suddenly became cold. The cold air was like being inside a freezer, not that I've ever been in one. I felt as if I'd never be happy again. The compartment door opened and there stood a hooded black figure, a Dementor. I figured it was looking for someone. Someone who we were talking about not long beforehand. I stood up and moved towards it to speak to it.
"He's not here. Sirius Black isn't here. We're not hiding him." The Dementor appeared to not have listened to my words because it came nearer to me and started to try and suck the life out of me. I screamed, really loudly. I felt my body fall to the floor and then everything went dark...
Fred's POV
Ellie fell to the floor, unconscious, with the Dementor sucking the life out of her. Her skin was getting paler by the second. The compartment door opened again a man in run down robes walked in and said something under his breath, his wand pointed at the Dementor. The Dementor left the compartment and the man walked towards where George and I knelt next to Eleanor. "Names Professor Lupin. What happened?" George told him everything while I looked worriedly at Ellie. "What's her name?" He asked us. "Eleanor Black. Sir, why did the Dementors have an affect on her but not us?" I questioned the Professor. He was probably the new DADA teacher. "She might have had a bad past? I knew her parents so I don't see how..." He trailed off, deep in thought. "Try to wake her then give her some of this." He pulled out a bar of chocolate and gave it to George to look after. "Tell her that it will help."
Ellie's POV
I woke up to find to red heads faces above mine looking concerned. I sat up and rubbed my forehead, trying to get rid of my headache. The world was spinning. "What the bloody hell happened?" I asked. "And why am I on the floor?" The twins sat me on the chair and took turns explaining the story.
"Wait so this 'Professor' said he knew my parents?" I asked, putting quotations around the word Professor. "Yeah, and he told us to give this chocolate to you for you to eat when you woke up. And say," Fred said readying himself to try and do an impression of this so called teacher, "it'll help." "So what was this guys name?" I asked them, realising that we were getting nearer to Hogwarts. (I was already in my robes). "He said his name was Professor Lupin. Ring a bell?" George asked. "Not sure." I yawned, rubbing my eyes in the process. "Too tierd to think about it right now." And with that me eyes shut and my head rested on someone's shoulder, me falling asleep in the process. For how long? I have no clue.
I'm not sure how long my eyes were closed but i felt someone shaking me and trying to wake me up. "Go away" I mumbled, trying to turn away from them. "But we're at Hogwarts. Wake up!" I recognised that voice. Probably Fred or George's. "I don't want to wake up. I'm having a good dream, to good to wake up..." I am cut off because someone decided to use the 'Aguamenti' spell on me causing me to become wide awake quite quickly. "What the bloody hell was that for?!" I shout, using a spell to quickly dry my robes and myself. "You weren't waking up-" Fred started. "So we thought that was the best option" George finished. I just shook my head at them. "You two are so childish, you know?" "We know. Get told all the time." They said in unison. "So.... How long was I asleep for?" "About an hour..." George answered. I looked out the window to see we were just pulling into Hogsmede Station. Looking back at the twins I noticed them looking back at me. "LETS GO! WE'RE AT HOGWARTS!" I screamed, pulling the two out of the compartment where we were met with Lee Jordan (I think he was still trying to hit on Angelina but was, again, having no luck at winning her heart), Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell (she was in the year below us, so a fourth year), Alicia Spinnet (I don't like her. We had an arguement at the end of last year) and Charlie (one of my best mates, in real life as well so don't go saying anything). The whole lot of us noisily made our way off the train and towards the carriages where we bumped into the 'Golden Trio', aka Harry, Ron and Hermione (third years).
"Howdy people" I said cheerily, climbing into the nearby carriage. It was pouring down with rain and I didn't want to get stuck in it. I heard the others greet them before one by one they climbed into the carriage I sat in. We all talked for a bit, the conversation occasionally steering over towards the subject of Sirius Black. The man in the picture on the Daily Prophet looked a bit like the picture of my dad that was in my locket.
I stayed silent as we reached the gates of Hogwarts and walked into the Great Hall, voicing my opinion when I felt it was necessary.
The sorting happened quite quickly, guess my mind was just elsewhere. Dumbledore started speaking.
"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious, {AN: I felt like typing sirius, but thought against it, 😣. Maybe another time} I think it best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast..." Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued. "As you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express, our school is presently playing the host to some of the Dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business." He paused, Dumbledore's speech was long. "They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds, and while they are with us, I must make it plain that nobody leaves this school without permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises-or even invisibility cloaks," his gaze turned where the Golden Trio sat not to far away from me and the twins. "It is not in the nature of a Dementor to understand pleading or excuses. I therefore warn each and everyone of you to give them no reason to harm you. I look to the Prefects, and our new Head Boy and Girl, to make sure that no student runs foul of the Dementors."
I looked over at Percy who had sat up straighter at the mention of Head Boy. I rolled my eyes and looked back at Professor Dumbledore who started speaking again.
"On a happier note, I am pleased to welcome two new teachers to our ranks this year. Firstly, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."
I turned to the twins as everyone clapped, unenthusiastically must I add, and said, "is that the teacher you were talking about on the train?" "Yup." They said simultaneously. I was about to reply but Dumbledore started speaking again.
"As to our second new appointment, well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to say that his place will be filled by none other than Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties."
"Well I think that's everything of importance." Dumbledore stated after the applause, mainly from us Gryffindors, died down. "Let the feast begin!" With that food appeared on the table. I tried to not eat too much at Hogwarts because I knew that when I was at home in the holidays I would starve, being used to a lot of food and then suddenly having almost none I didn't want to eat everything I had at home because there wasn't much money to buy it with. I owned less than the Weasleys, and without being mean, that's saying a lot.
I stayed silent during the feast, listening to the conversations happening around me. Most people were talking about how Sirius Black escaped Azkaban. I just picked at my food, not feeling very hungry. "You okay?" The voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked up from my plate to see Fred Weasley looking at me with concern. "Yeah... I'm fine. Not very hungry." I sat quietly, keeping to myself for the rest of the feast.
Soon the feast ended and we all headed upstairs to Gryffindor tower so that we could go to bed. The Prefect said the password and the Fat Lady let is the common room. I headed straight to bed.
Being the first person in my dormitory I grabbed my pyjamas and hurried into the bathroom. I didn't want to have to make conversation with anybody, I wanted to keep to myself. Once I was dressed I folded my robes and placed them neatly on top of my trunk. I climbed into bed and the moment my head it the pillow, I was asleep.
"How should we wake her?" I could hear voices. "Aguamenti maybe?" Another voice suggested. "How about nothing?" I said sitting up in my bed. I wasn't a morning person, far from it, and I thought that by now, in our fifth year, my dorm would have learnt that. Apparently not. "Well your up so we didn't need to try and wake you." Came the voice of my best friend Charlie. "Oh hi Charlie, how are you? Now if you don't mind I would like to be able to get into the bathroom so I don't have to go to breakfast in my pyjamas." And with that I climbed out of bed, grabbed my uniform and headed into the bathroom.
I undressed and climbed into the shower my thoughts filled with my family. I thought about how my father disappeared one day and how my mum blamed me for it. I thought about how my mother never truly cared about me. I wondered who my father was and if he was still out there. I wondered what my mother was doing. I felt alone. It didn't matter how many friends I had and how much I knew they cared about me. I just felt so, so alone.
I quickly dressed into my uniform and ran out of my dorm, out of the Gryffindor common room and all the way to the Great Hall where I got my timetable off of Professor McGonagall. From there I ran back out of the Great Hall, ignoring any stares from fellow students and many from teachers, all the way to the Forbidden Forest.
"Accio guitar!" I called and soon enough my guitar came flying through the sky towards me. I sat in the middle of the clearing and started singing.
"Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Violence is an energy Against the enemy Violence is an energy
Bringing on the fury The choir infantry Revolt against the honour to obey
Overthrow the effigy The vast majority While burning down the foreman of control
Silence is an enemy Against your urgency So rally up the demons of your soul
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
The insurgency will rise When the blood's been sacrificed Don't be blinded by the lies In your eyes
Violence is an energy From here to eternity Violence is an energy Silence is an enemy So gimme gimme revolution
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Do you the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well, gotta know the enemy
Overthrow the effigy The vast majority We're burning down the foreman of control
Silence is an enemy Against your urgency So rally up the demons of your soul!"
I took a deep breath. I strummed my guitar, starting another song.
"I walk a lonely road The only one that I have ever known Don't know where it goes But it's only me and I walk alone.
I walk this empty street On the boulevard of broken dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one, and I walk alone.
I walk alone, I walk alone I walk alone and I walk a
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I walk alone.
Ah ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah ah
I'm walking down the line That divides me somewhere in my mind On the border line of the edge And where I walk alone.
Read between the lines What's fucked and every thing's all right Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive And I walk alone.
I walk alone, I walk alone I walk alone and I walk a
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I walk alone.
Ah ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah ah
I walk alone, I walk a
I walk this empty street On the boulevard of broken dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one, and I walk a
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I walk alone."
I looked at my watch. 10:20. I had missed Transfiguration and was late for History of Magic. I don't know why I decided to take it for my OWLs. I stood up and started making my way out of the forest and back to the castle.
Third person POV
Too engrossed in the song she was singing, Eleanor didn't notice the black dog that had neared the clearing and was currently hiding in the shadows, watching her. The dog was hidden behind a tree. The dog watched intently as the girl finished singing the second song, looked at her watch and timetable, stood up and left the forest.
Sirius Black's POV (wasn't expecting that were you? Okay, maybe you were. I apologise if you were. I shall get on with the story)
I was hiding in the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts hoping I would get a chance to talk to my Godson and be able to kill Peter Pettigrew when I heard someone singing. It was a girl's voice. In my animagus form, I followed the voice to a clearing. There, sitting on the floor of the forest was a girl, around fifteen or sixteen, playing the guitar and singing a song. I recognised the band that sung the song, Green Day.
The girl had midnight black wavy hair that reached to around the middle of her back. She looked familiar. I stayed hidden behind a tree as I watched her. Sounds creepy right? But I needed to know who she was. Finishing the song she looked up and directed her eyes towards where I was hidden by a tree. She obviously felt as if she was being watched. As she looked I saw that she had green eyes and had been crying. I again felt as if I knew this girl but couldn't place my finger on where I had seen her before. The girl looked back at her guitar and started strumming it again.
Once she finished this song, she checked her timetable and her watch. I'm pretty sure that I heard her mumble the word "shit" under her breath. She stood up and left to go back to the castle. I followed her to the edge of the forest where I saw her be greeted by an angry Professor McGonagall. I could kind of hear what was being said, me being in dog form and all. Then someone stepped next to McGonagall who shocked me to say the least, but what he said next shocked me as well.
💩💩💩💩💩AUTHOR'S NOTE💩💩💩💩💩
Hello people! *waves*
How are you? Did you like this chapter? Please tell me what you thought and how you think I can improve.
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