#or smth……….maybe i am insane……………..
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thinking about touch starved touch sensitive gojo again. Absolutely desperate for even the most grazing touches from getou and yet overwhelmed by it all.
#anyway irl i think i just went on the most awkward coworker not date but a little too sus to just be a casual dinner#what made it sus i think was one the deliberate choice to not invite any other coworkers#and two the fact the conversation had a direct flight to our dating histories#but also im insane maybe this is Normal dinner coworker conversation IDK#IDK ANYTHING ABOUT SOCIAL INTERACTION#HE WAS MAKING AGGRESSIVE EYE CONTACT AND I WAS LIKE BRO CAN U STOP THATS A LITTLE TOO INTIMATE MAYBE WE CAN JUST LIKE STARE AT EACH OTHERS#EARS OR SMTH PLEASE?#me starring at my cat all the time until he comes over or meows#me whenever someone else stares at me: u gotta stop that i have anxiety#anyway i just crave the SOCIAL interaction of ppl who are not clinically online like i am#i wanna speak to ppl who see the sun#in hopes i may glean just a bit of normalcy from them#im gonna go read copious amounts of fanfic
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THE BEAST!!
I might fiddle around more with the colours at some point, but for now (after double checking every little detail a million times) I think she is done :)
Lineart only as well as a list of albums I'd listened to while drawing under the cut
plz listen to Kiss Kiss btw I love the music so so much <3
#touhou#touhou project#東方project#東方#raymooart#seija kijin#double dealing character#touhou 14#GRRRR I LOVE DRAWING CREATURES#I hope to draw more Touhou creatures at some point too maybe come up with some sort of lore or smth idkkk idkkkkk#We'll see how motivated I am lol#with work and all it's hard to be THIS productive in one day#actually insane how much I got done today#anyways... stay tuned for ride wife life good seishin post next probably :) <3
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😔
#I promise I’m trying very hard to be normal but#sometimes I just go man I’ll just be feral#acting normal all the time takes so much energy#but then I realize most people don’t see smth they like and then#bark abt it for ten minutes roll on the floor abt it pass out abt it#like most people can behave#I CANNOT behave#maybe it’s enclosure time and I just stay there until I settle down#ooc.#the whiplash between hearing my dumbass spout nonsense ooc then seeing me actually write something half decent must be insane#I’m sorry to my new mutuals I am just#not domesticated#tbd.
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having such a media hangover moment trying to read smth new but piranesis voice is still in my head
#i fear i am in love w piranesi the person and the book :/#added layer of my music is shuffling through my jpop hits and its been giving me such intense nostalgia and melancholy i almost cant bear it#which is insane bc theyre all just indie pop bangers and i cant understand the lyrics anyway its just#i cant figure out what it is. maybe it just reminds me too strongly of my mtl era or just my living alone era yk#idk. but its making me feel so uncomfortable. like ive lost smth and havent noticed yet#<- guy who gets really really weird about music#anyway i had a nice day out i want to go to my cousins this evening#but i know i really need to stay home and rest up ):
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Vessel x Ethel Cain collab when?
#few mutuals are in support of this and i am one of them#vessel and hayden share lots of heavy themes in their songs#and their vocal runs are pretty alike#plus ethel being spiteful despite her femininity while vessel being vulnerable despite his masculinity could be a good basis of smth#like maybe how a religious upbringing can bring out the opposite results from the opposite sex#anyway if they ever sing together i will go insane#vessel#ethel cain#klaus ponders the orb
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#am i insane bc i just realized i havent eaten in 20 hours or smth and slept for 2#maybe this is why i have a headache lmao
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need to sink my teeth into rly good acesabo fic
#you ever refresh your otp's ao3 tag multiple times a day hoping praying begging for smth new???#maybe i am just insane but i do this so much that it's my no.1 visited page on mobile browser
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do i make ashara more devoted to mythal post trespasser or do i alienate her from the evanuris entirely. is she immune to propaganda by virtue of how badly solas damaged her ability to believe in anything or is she especially vulnerable to it now bc she still WANTS to believe in anything. is she sporting subtle mythal details in her costume design or is she not
#love talking to myself on tumblr dot com <3#oc: ashara#i feel like she's always believed in the principles/vague mythos of the evanuris more than taking it all at face value#so even tho she might know the truth abt the evanuris she would still hold mythal's values of justice close to her and express it thru her#but also like. having MET mythal. and drank from her well. actually meeting not just the gods but YOUR god and her being confirmed the#''nicer'' one who tells u that ur cool and are doing a good job... idk. i think theres a possibility of her being manipulated/doubling down#and like.. she got rid of her vallaslin for solas and then HE left. her inquisition is frail her relationship with her clan is frail#her family is mostly dead lol. no arm no anchor...... like. mythal's approval + the well is all she REALLY has at this point#and she gets attached to people. to things. so so much .idk. its tricky bc shes lonely and needs some sort of SOMETHING to keep her going#but she also deeply believes in The Truth and accepting reality even if it sucks. so idk if she'd hold on to smth just out of comfort/habit#bc shes a pragmatist at heart and open to change. but like circumstances are sort of pushing her to her brink lol#i genuinely have no idea. maybe the secret third answer is that This is the problem shes facing in datv#the crisis of faith. wanting to stand by her ideals versus wanting to feel held by SOMETHING even if its a lie#and a character breakdown as a result that could go one of two ways#man its so funny talking abt her like shes a Real character i am being paid to write. insane that im doing this for free for an audience of#like 3 people who care JKJGFKJFGKJGKF
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LET'S MAKE MUSIC !!
#ableton is so fun fr fr#i am so filled w childlike wonder#its just like painting but imagine you've never painted or drawn b4 . like every stroke of the paintbrush would feel insane right . like ur#just Creating Lines And Colours and out of nowhere and slowly they take a cohesive shape even if the shape is . a shitty stickman#its still recognisable . like circle and 5 lines and boom suddenly you cognise this thing as the representation of a person#its like that . but even more crazy . like u just create arrangements in time and BOOM music . maybe bad music but still music#like i keep smiling . theres sm to discover !!! ableton has so many features whenever i change smth that changes the vibe im like :o#world is so glittery w noise n sound rn . yay
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Its so crazy when you play a game in dub(or watch smth ig) and you listen to the other ones(in this case, the intended language) and its like HUHHHH!?!?! My boy does NOT sound like that !!!
#fuck me tho bcs in my attempts to find a clip of him speaking in eng#i looked clips up on yt instead of changing my settings cause duh#and just fucking spoiled myself for a thousand things in the process 😭😭😭😭#me at me: forget forget forget forget FORGET FORGET#anyways i do not understand his eng voice it sounds nothing like how i perceive him like ?????????#french dub ON top#im like gaaahhhh ong hes so hot bark bark. oh wait i wonder how he was actually intended to sound#cause honestly his voice is a big part of his attractiveness to me#but his eng voice is SOOOO bleh to me. but id need to hear more and im not willing to spoil myself#but god. tho kinda ironic cause i think his model and voice are the same dude. sry sir but im not a fan LOL#*btw i mean arno why am i always so vague 😭#the vibe is sooooo different its actually insane to me#i was like im sure his eng voice is great! nah. tho maybe its cause hes stuck in my brain as the french voice#also may i say one of my biggest pet peeves? its fine or whatever to have smth take place in a country with a foreign language but-#-still have the language be english. that's just a realistic expectation for anglo made projects yknow#BUT GOD. WHEN THEY DONT EVEN FUCKING AT LEAST TRY TO HAVE AN ACCENT MIRRORING WHERE THEY ARE#WHY ARE YOU A FRENCHMAN IN FRANCE SPEAKING ENG WITH A TOTALLY BRITISH ENG#WHY ARE YOU AN AUSTRIA IN AUSTRIA SPEAKING ENG WITH A BLATANT AMERICAN ACCENT#etc etc. theres sometimes where i dont absolutely hate it. but it bugs the shit out of me#especially bcs id rather watch smth in the language where it takes place bcs its more immersive. so like. at least try w the accent#catie.rambling.txt
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nnnnggghh are these ppl fuckling stupid wtffffff
#i cant fucking beieve it oh my goood!#so ive sent 3 emails and called them twice - my doctor's office#i need 3 documents from them for my health insurance so my top surgery will be covered#so 2 documents of these are just results of test they've done. easy roght. zhey hv these pdfs ready sitting somewhere in their software#i even added the dates the tests were taken so they could easily find them and just add them to the reply email and send it to me#the 3rd document is an evaluation so that might take some time to write. maybe 3 hrs max if my doctor rly puts his whole pussy in.#i don't hear anything after a week. i send a 2nd email. i hear nothing so after 2 days i call. the nurse on the line says it's being taken#care of. or smth along these lines. i hear nothing so the next monday i write a 3rd email. i hear nothing. today it's been 3 weeks#since i first contacted them. i call them again. the nurse tells me they sent everything in the mail last week. why tf are you sending it i#the mail instead of just replying to my fuxcking email???? anyweay then the nurse says oh it looks like we sent you only 2 instead of 3#documents. she tells me she'll send everything in an email today. i hang up i get dressded i rush downstairs to check the mailbox.#the letter is there i rip it open. it's only 2 documents. like. WHAT. i made an indented list numbered 1) 2) 3) in my email so it would be#easy to spot that i need THREE documents. how tf can you think oh yeah the patient wants 3 documents. but i'm putting 2 in the enverlope no#this is right and im not making a mistake now. anyway after 2 hrs i get an email w 3 documents in them. i finally feel relief bc my#health insurance wants that shit until next tuesday. mind you i reached out to them THREE weeks ago and i contacted them 5 times in total.#i open the files. only one (1) document is actually what i need and it's one of the lab tests. the 2nd lab test i need is not there. instea#there's a completely different lab test. from a different year (i literally wrote the fuking dates so they knew which tests i need!!!)#the evalutation i need which i thgoiught might take a max of 3 hrs to write is 2 sentences long. it doesn't address the actual issue that i#need evaluated. it took you THREE wekks to write 2 sentences that are WRONG??????#are yiou fuckihg stipouzds!! am i going insane like wtf is going on#i can use this to wipe my ass but not to hand it in for the health insurance!!!! *screams*#now i sent them another email (the 4th email) asking them to send me that test results that i need. i added the full name of the test#and the date it was taken. even checked my calendar to double check i got the right date. these ppl probably fucking hate me now#but. do your fuxking job!!! how can you not read how can you take 3 weeks to add 2 pdfs to an email and then one of them is the wrong one!!#idk what's going on but i suspect maybe they don't hv the results? maybe the tube was lost in the mail or it was too little blood to do the#test or the lab couldn't do the test for other reasons. but if this is the case. why do they not fucking tell me that?? l#like we are all adults i get that sometimes stuff doesn't work out or mistakes are made i promise i'm not mad (initially) i just want to#work together w you to find a solution#same w the evaluation. i suspect the dr doesn't hv the expertise or he can't fucking read idk but if he doesn't hv the expertise#instead of not replying for 3 weeks and then writing some 2 sentence bs that has nothing to do w what i need. you could've just told me you
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my brain exploded this morning
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I'm feeling much better now YAY! YIPPEE!!! SICKNESS VANQUISHED! I WIN FOREVER!
#ariambles#energy is back >:D YAAAYYY!!! am still playing pokemon black 2 tho cuz turns out i quite missed it#im going to do a bit of a pro gamer move tho smth ive never done before (swapping out my lucario with an eevee to get an umbreon)#my black 2 team has always been the same. but now i wanna make a few changes to it. i wanna get an umbreon in my team now#its gonna be a bit tough tho cuz my lucario is around lvl35 and i still need to catch myself an eevee which im Pretty sure is around#lvl 15 or smth. its definitely lower than 20 which is gonna take awhile to get it caught up with the average level of my team but im ready#to do anything for my dearest umbreon. im also thinkin of replacing my azumarill for a different pokemon as well. maybe id even#get a glaceon actually. making changes with my team now o7 after years of it being the same. altho it is a bit Ough that im making#changes when im in the middle portion of the game but thats fine. with the power of my sheer insanity and willpower anything is possible
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These are two different guys to me
#unicorn overlord#alain unicorn overlord#something about the official art makes his face look a lot younger n cute than his overworld/ingame sprite. am i insane?#maybe it's the front on face vs the up-tilted torso (check breastplate) where ingame the eyes are sharper/chestpiece not tilted & shorter#it's a really Small difference i KNOW but. who.. a mildly different artstyle from sprite to official art can really shift smth huh#art is funny. i will be less Pressing on myself when I can't keep my own oc 100% on-model from one similar piece to another
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the holiday party i had to go to ended up being fine lol i was basically just talking to the other ppl i externed w and some previous interns so it was not actually uncomfortable when i went at all even tho i did almost pass out at one point idk what that was abt. my body is allergic to going out i think i have some sort of medical issue every time i go outside. anyway. i should not have whined and complained so much it was literally fine 😭
#michelle speaks#i was sooooo close to not going like sitting on my floor giving myself a pep talk level 😭 it was so bad a real low point for me 😭#but like i just had it in my head for some reason that i would be alone bc the other ppl i externed w would not want to talk to me or smth#but like literally we just talked to each other the whole time 😭 and when i got there 40 mins late they were like oh we were wondering#where u were & one of them was like i was going to text u & realized i didn’t have ur number etc. so i went insane for no reason.#i mean there IS a reason but i’m not going to get into my tragic backstory. it’s actually not tragic i’m js there is a reason why i had#that mindset from a previous experience but like yeah i was all worried abt it for no reason 👍#which like typically i don’t do the everyone hates me wah wah bit since i started taking antidepressants & it wasn’t really that it is#different but quite literally i don’t feel like explaining i am soooooo tired 😭 not from going to that party i was only there for a few hrs#& i got back a while ago idk what it is. maybe i was so stressed abt it & now i’m not anymore so i’m tired……:#no idea why i almost passed out tho i was just standing there and i was like whoa. and i sat down & i was fine but like idk 😭#i literally only had one drink and like a fourth of another drink bc i did not like that one so i got the other one#and i have drank many times w my medications & stuff and have always been fine that has never happened before#and i have drank a lot more & been fine so like?? at this point i am just like yeah ok whatever. u do u i guess.
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-_______-
#ngl ive been needing to put this somewhere but like#please explain to me how youre supposed to control what pokemon somebody likes#every time i look at sables pokemon tastes n theyre similar to my ex's im just like Ok. like what am i supposed to do about that help#but my ex was like youre giving MY pokemon to THEM meaning YOU hate ME#me when theres literally multiple of the same type of pokemon. what do you want me to do#mind you i gave them furfrou. because it looks like their sona. and they got soooooo up in arms about that for no fucking reason#and god forbid they just happen to also like decidueye. oh my god#like does any of what im describing and have been describing on this blog sound normal or healthy to any of you. be forreal#i recognize my hypocrisy about the fox thing but even still theyre both different. like maybe if he rped as a furfrou and like#talked about furfrou literally all the time help#its different when youve made smth your identity. brother it was just a pokemon you liked and you forgot it existed half the time#its not like i gave them skitty? like im so over it help#looking back on everything n realizing how unhealthy and insane most of my relationships were w these people bruh#im just glad that anxiety and worry he was constantly inflicting upon me is gone#cus i can tell you rn i dont miss any of it#angelo is literally like the vacation ive been needing jesus chriiiist
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