#or the friends ive made via this fandom; or that i dont like/am done with the volturi

[alilaro]

small personal update

.

taking a break from being so intensely involved with volturi fandom has been a really good thing for me I think.

I still think about and draw them daily—to me they are like my own characters now, with long much I have changed them, and how much it has changed me since being a preteen.

But I think I got so obsessed with posting, being liked, and being a weird persona of myself that I just burnt myself out. Especially from 2017—2019, I was just a mess, and addicted to the praise and attention I got from posting non-stop, and making content almost purely to please others (which I now realize was a way of escaping the nightmare that was my previously incredibly abusive household, and the years of neglect that came with it.)

And now, since 2022 I've been on a hiatus, and I think that was the right decision for me.

its been really hard in some ways. After escaping my toxic father, the shock and grief of it all was so so much for me to handle. All those years, my entire life, locked in a room, guilted and fear-mongered into complete and never-ending isolation; to finally be free from that was both liberating but the hardest thing I've ever done, and it crushed me, it drained everything from me, including my one tether: my art.

i struggled with it for a while, and still do. i still only draw the bare minimum, but when I draw now its for me. there's no more 'cant draw That because its Cringe'. theres no constant, nagging guilt from not posting something in over a month. i don't have to make excuses, or grovel manically for imagined people to forgive me—as if not posting is some cardinal sin.

i just draw for fun, because I feel like it. because it makes me happy. :-)

[madmaddyenby]

hi yes maddy being mushy time under the cut

first !!!!!!! @literaltrashy !!!!!! I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOURE MY BEST FRIEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weve had our bumps in the road, but like, that really only brought us closer and we learned more about eachother from it !!!!!!!!!!!!!  ur a really cool person!!!!!! n i know u worry abt what ur friends think abt you alot and just know i think the world of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  u are a !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great person n i love you sm !!!!!!!!!!!!! im glad to have known you for over a year now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love talking abt headcanons with you !!!!!! love u!!!!

@xx696hewwoismymiddlename696xx JOSH.  YOU YOU.  GREAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR ART IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!  I LOVE YOUR PAINTINGS!!!!!!!! U ARE VV TALENTED!!!!!!  OK IT MIGHT SOUND WEIRD BUT i love the way you type??? its kind of lowkey comforting for some reason??? I DO NOT KNOW WHY !!!  BUT. you are a great person!!! and friend !!! and i vv much appreciate you for that!!  also i am vv interested in the concept of ur fnaf au thank u

@nessie-97 HELLO SIMONA. you are a great human being !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur vv sweet !!!!  i absolutely adore your art n designs!!!! they are so fricking cute !!!! I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH !!!! UR ARTSTYLE IS JUST SO FUCKING CUTE.  I love all your versions of the fnaf characters !!!!! they r very well made and i cant wait to see more of your designs !!!!  u are super cool to talk to !!!!!! i honestly wish we talked more bc u give off vv good vibes !!!! 

@foxybroz hewwo !!!!!!! sawyer !!!!! fun fact, aparently ive been following you for a year now !!!!! wish is vv epic ngl,,,,,,,  its weird that our first time ever really talking was only in christmas!!! anyway!!! YOURE A GREAT PERSON !!!!!! u give off all the good vibes!!! ur art is vv nice n i love ur head anons !!! i wish we talked more dude !!!

@confused-nightwatch TOBI. HELLO. UR SUPER COOL. I LOVE UR ART AND HEADCANONS THEY ARE VERY NICE,  i love how your shading is !!! its very soft and i love it!! u vibes are vv nice cool but also a bit intimidatinG HJSDFK,,,,,, but ur a cool person !!

@freddyz-teeth  nana!!!!!! You are,,,,,, super talented,,,,,, honestly I've looked up to you for a while, since of seen your art an au. Your au is just so ???? Interesting!!!!! And it makes me happy to know I can call you a friend!!!! with all this stuff going on just know, you don't deserve that shit!!!! Ur a really chill person n I love ur vibes

@ros3freckles ok FIRST, ur username is so hard for me to remember!! i always think its r0sefreckles for some reason????????  but no its ros3freckles,,,, anyways jay,ur a vv great person !!!!!! 

@faztokenz ANDY !!!!!!! HEWWO !!!!! UR SUPER COOL !!!!!!!!!! YOUR VIBES ARE GREAT !!! JUST LIKE YOU !!!! UR A GREAT BRO !!!! ur super nice n helpful!!!! im happy to know you !!!

@bunnyworme rowan !! you !!! ur vv cool !!!!!!! i love ur art !! ur style is vv unique, not only how you draw but how you color as wel!!! it stands out a lot !! and i can always tell that a peice of art is yours !!

@starcastergay hello jake !!!!! i love your art style !!! u seem like a vv chill person !! i love ur designs!! they are all very well done !!!! sorry idk what all to say but ur a cool person !!!

@necrophobiiaz savvy!!!! heyo !!! youre a nice person!!!! very much so !! i love your art alot, and i know how hard you work on those peices,  htey all come out very good.  you are so freaking talented !!! 

@baldisfieldtrip BAT UR SUPER COOL AND NICE HI I LIKE TALKING TO YOU !!! weve literally been mutuals for 2 years now !!!!! TWO Y EA RS,,,,,,, thats!!! so much time !!!!!! i cant beleive weve only started talking to eachother recently !!!! youre a super nice person !!! and i love ur jokes !!!! 

@trashytrashuwu TRASHY 2.0 !!!!!!! i love ur art n designs !!! u should totally post them more !!!! they are all vv good and i love them ,,,, u are,,,,,,,,,, very funny

@princeofheartz ur my dad, ur my dad. boogie woogie woogie!! wish i talked more to you but im babie and afraid

@i-suck-at-username-s hi yes !!! weve been mutuals for a long ass time by now !! suprisingly, i didnt even know you had an art blog until recently !!! and im super glad i found it bc ur super talented !!! i love ur designs

@rainy-day-afton HI,,,,,,, cinna,,,,,,,,, u are a very sweet person,,,,,, and im glad i know you !!!!!!!! like you are very sweet,,,,,,, youve helped me out with a lot of my stuff, and i cant thank you enough for that !!! also, ok but whenever you call me those sweet names like sweetpea or sweetie i get all happy !!!! it just makes me super happy aa,,,,

@ghostlesbigum heya ema !!!! i love ur ocs !!! and ur designs in general honestly !!!! you yourself are a very funny and chill person !!!! i love your art, its super cute !!!!!!! uM,,,, im not sure what to say honestly?? youre just a super cool person !!!

@honk-honk-crispy-corn honky !!!!!!!! i love ur art so much !!!! and u have a huge personality that i love !!!! you are vv passionate when it comes to ur friends !!! which is very nice !!!

@waluigi-the-wobbuffet it took me fuckin forever to remember ur username bro what the hell !!!! i love ur art !!! and even though i have no clue abt what the fandom ur in is about its very nice to see you so passionate abt something !!!! 

@renillabean hewwo !!!!! ur a vv cool person !!!! i love to talk abt headcanons with you !!!!! and i love ur headcnaons and ocs !!!! i love seeing ur art in the chat whenever you post, and i love seeing ur headcanons in the chat as well

@pren-rb i dont know you all that well personally but !!!!!! weve been mutuals for a WHILE,,,,, and !!!!! you seem like a really cool person!!

@bostonlobstah hewoo !!!!!!! i love all your art of the kids !!! they are all so adorable !!! your art is very nice, and i remember the first time i saw it i was like,,,,,,,, dude thats.... so NIC E,,,,,,,,,,, 

@venus-doe  hey uh!! i hope you dont mind me tagging you in this !!! but like.  you are a super nice person and--- i love seeing whatever you post, wether it is a reblog, art or whatever !! its always nice !!

@kitkat-the-snacc eddie !!!! i know we dont talk as much as we used to !!! i wish we did but,,,,,,,, im vv glad to have met you !!! i love ur art !!! 

@sansundertalespisskink ok so !!! i dont know you very well but !! we “met” via jake reblogging from you all the time,, ur username always stuck out to me because,  its hilarious and it just stuck !!! so eventually, after a while i followed you on there !!!! u seem like a really cool person !!

@arcadecabinetz last but certainly not least !!! blair !!!! i love ur art !!!! a whole lot !!! u are vv talented !! im!!!!! ur super cool !!!!! and you defintally deserve more recognition !!!

that is all i am tired if i forgot you i love u