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lonepantheress · 1 year

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i really love you

☆ pairing: kim gyuvin x reader

☆ genre: angst mostly! rlly not as romantic as i hoped

☆ warnings: yunjin le sserafim cameo

☆ wc: 3.3k

☆ a/n: i feel like i owe 1000 apologies and then some. this is the first thing that i've written in awhile. i know i've been MIA but life has really been chaotic. still i wrote this a few weeks ago and decided just to post since i haven't. i miss this blog and the lovely messages i'd receive. i hope you all enjoy <3.

You were often told that people envied your friendship with Gyuvin. You hadn’t known each other your whole lives, but it definitely felt like it. In fact, you considered yourself lucky to have a connection that goes so far beyond the surface level.

The depth of your bond presented itself in a way you considered unique. It was incredible to have someone who knew everything about you – who wanted to know everything about you. He was your shoulder to cry on and the most reliable person that you knew. You often found yourself with the fleeting thought of What if we were more than just best friends? But you brushed it off before you even gave yourself the chance to entertain it.

Still, it was no question to the people around you that you and Gyuvin were something more than best friends – even without that “Boyfriend-Girlfriend” label.

Which is how you found yourself in this position: You and Yunjin found yourselves in the same boat of “I-haven’t-know-you-my-whole-life-but-I-definetly-feel-like-I-have,” meaning you frequently spent your time with one another, and on a weekly basis you slept over at her apartment and vice versa.

You’d watch movies and do skin care and braid hair, but above all you exchanged secrets. Over months and months of sleepovers you found out about Yunjin’s secret spelling mishap of 8th grade, and she found out about your high school boyfriend who liked to call you “Sugar Plum” unironically. No matter how serious or ridiculous the secret, they came out naturally in the dead of night during almost every sleepover the two of you would have.

“I think, maybe, deep down inside, I am possibly harboring some feelings for Gyuvin.” The confession came out with the same pit in your stomach you get when you’re throwing up.

You sat across from Yunjin on her apartment bedroom floor with green face masks adorning both of your faces. You couldn’t believe the words that had just left your mouth, your heart raced while you waited for Yunjin to give you some sort of response. When your eyes darted up at her, she looked at you wide-eyed and jaw-dropped.

The room seemed to hold its breath, almost as if it were waiting with you for Yunjin to say something. You were having one of those heart-to-hearts that you only have in the dead of night, admitting all kinds of secrets that you had to look deep inside to find. Still, upon hearing yours, she blinked a few times as if she was trying to process what she’d just heard.

“Wow,” she said softly, breaking the silence, “I mean, I already knew that! I just wasn’t expecting you to say it!”

You managed a weak smile in return, the corners of your lips shaking with nerves, “Yeah. Me neither.”

“Well? You haven’t said anything to him about it?”

“What? No! Oh god, no. That hurts my head just thinking about it, no. I can’t.”

“You can’t?”

“I can’t.”

She didn’t understand you, but she understood the weight of your words and decided not to bother you about it anymore. Yunjin reached over and gently put her hand over yours, the warmth of her touch grounded you in that moment. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. You know I’m here if you need anything, right?”

The confession occupied the air between the two of you like a fragile secret. Now, the green face masks seemed oddly out of place. As if the intimate exchange had transcended the triviality of their original purpose.

Yunjin’s initial shock gave way to a soft smile, her eyes holding a mixture of empathy and understanding. The kind of understanding that could only be offered by close friends – knowing they may not comprehend the depth of your emotions, they will be there for you nonetheless.

You sighed heavily and turned your gaze to the ceiling, letting all those emotions you shoved down take their place in your heart. “I don’t even know what I’m feeling half the time,” you admitted, voice carrying a mix of frustration and self deprecation.

Yunjin chuckled, her eyes crinkled in the corners and the dry mask of her face cracked in sync. “Babe, feelings are messy! I don’t think mine ever follow a logical path.”

“God, tell me about it. It’s just… Gyuvin, you know? We’re just too good as friends. What if I ruin it?”

Your hand received a reassuring squeeze from Yunjin before she withdrew her touch, a pensive expression on her face. She leaned back on her arms, considering your words carefully.

“I mean – I personally don’t get where you’re coming from,” she began, voice gentle, “But think about it this way Y/n: if your friendship is as good as you believe it is, then it’s strong enough to handle some turbulence. Emotions aren’t always predictable, and that’s okay! What if some weird unspoken tension affects your friendship more than your harboring some secret feelings?”

You sighed again, staring at the tiles at the ceiling as if they’d give you the answer after a while. “I know. You’re right. It’s just scary…I don’t even care if he feels the same way, what if things get weird between us?”

Yunjin leaned forward, resting her chin in her hands. “Babe, look, I can’t predict the future. I do know that honesty is the best policy, though. He deserves to know the truth, but you deserve to express your feelings even more! Whether he reciprocates or not, it’s not in your control. What you can control is how you handle this moving forward.”

“You’re right,” you admitted, letting your head down to face her. “I can’t even tell you how long I’ve been avoiding this for. It isn’t fair to either of us.”

Yunjin smiled widely at you, mask cracking more and more. “Exactly! And you know what they say about regrets, right?”

“What do they say?”

“Well.. I don’t really know. But they have to say something about it! Look, if he truly values your friendship then he’ll appreciate your honesty.”

You smiled back at Yunjin, your own mask cracking from the movement in your face. Yunjin stood up and held her hand out for you to grab.

You reached out and took her hand, letting her help you up from the ground. The air in the room felt a little lighter now, as if the weight of your confession had been shared and the burden lessened.

“Come on,” Yunjin said, “Let’s wash these off and then go to bed. We can talk about this in the morning or something. And if things don’t work, I will happily accept a confession from you on his behalf!”

Despite the impact that your much needed heart-to-heart with Yunjin had on you, you still found yourself unable to take any immediate action (or any action at all, for that matter.) In fact, it was more like the opposite. Your behavior took an unexpected turn – one that puzzled those around you. To you, though, it all made perfect sense. You had finally sat down and confronted those feelings that you had long harbored, and you need some time and space to really process it. Particularly, time and space away from Gyuvin.

You shifted to practically being inseparable from one another to being distant and withdrawn. Those who’d grown accustomed to seeing you two together nearly every day were now met with your fleeting glances and casual avoidance. It was you who’d placed the invisible barrier between you and Gyuvin, leaving him equally confused by your sudden change in behavior.

Though, he didn’t know what exactly caused this sudden shift with you, he wasn’t blind to the cues you were throwing his way. He noticed immediately your short responses (if he had received one at all), and your excuses to avoid making any plans. He saw you take the long way from one place to another and he could only assume it was so you could avoid crossing paths with him. And while the biggest part of him wanted to know why, his brain told him to just let you deal with whatever it was you were dealing with.

This went on for three weeks before someone decided to mention it.

“What’s going on with Y/n?”

“What’s going on with Y/n?” Gyuvin scoffed at Matthew’s question and deadpanned, “If I knew that, she’d probably be here right now.”

Matthew raised an eyebrow, “Man, don’t get mad at me. I’m just so used to seeing you guys together all the time. It’s weird to everyone to see you guys apart like this.” Matthew leaned against the table at the campus café that they both sat.

Gyuvin let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair, “You’re telling me? I’ve tried talking to her but she’s just… distant? I dunno. I can’t put a finger on why.”

“Did you guys have a fight?”

He shook his head, face full of frustration. “Is it bad if I say I wish we did? At least then I’d know what I did. She’s just been acting different. We used to spend hours talking about the dumbest shit and now it’s like pulling teeth to even get a few words out of her.”

Matthew took a sip from his coffee, gaze fixed on Gyuvin, “Maybe she’s going through something! Sometimes people start acting like that when they’re going through something personally. It could be something heavy, and she’s just not ready to talk about it yet.”

Gyuvin frowned at that idea, his mind was racing considering Matthew’s words. What could be so bad that you wouldn’t tell him? “You think so?”

Matthew nodded.

“I mean.. I don’t know, man. We’re always there for each other. If that’s the case then I wish she’d just let me in.”

Matthew gave a wide, reassuring smile before replying, “Maybe she will, eventually. Just give her some time. Try not to let her push you away completely, keep reaching out. Even if it’s just a, ‘Hey. How’s your day?’ text or something.”

Gyuvin nodded, trying his best not to acknowledge the little pit in his stomach that was gnawing at him, “I’ll do that. But I get to blame you if your advice sucks.”

With the days passing, Gyuvin took Matthew’s advice to heart. He started sending you the occasional message asking about your day or giving you an anecdote out of his. He wasn’t expecting lengthy responses, but he wanted you to know that he was still there regardless of whatever it was you were dealing with.

You, on the other hand, were dealing with all kinds of complex sentiments about your situation. To no one’s surprise, honesty was a much easier concept to speak about than it was in practice. That confession to Yunjin that night had opened a floodgate of uncertainty and fear for you. Part of you had expected your feelings to be reciprocated or to at least be brushed aside as a passing thought, but the reality was much more complicated. You’d unintentionally thrown a wrench in your friendship with Gyuvin, and it was past the point of you knowing how you could fix it.

You spent a lot of time thinking about it, your situation. You stared at your messages with Gyuvin and wondered if they’d be any different if you were honest. When you’d see him on campus laughing with his friends, your heart would ring itself out. Your close friends could notice the toll that it was taking on you, especially Yunjin. She was the only one who knew anything about what you were feeling, so she was the only one who could try to help.

She noticed how your smile didn’t quite reach your eyes anymore, or the heavy sighs that seemed to escape you involuntarily, or the way that you’d space out and think to yourself more often.

One night, you were both sprawled across her living room couch with a movie playing in the background. The atmosphere was interrupted by the loud chime of your phone. It sat on the coffee table in the center and the screen was lit up with a text.

“Who’s that?”

You both knew who it was. “Oh, probably my mom or something. I’ll just reply later.” You could lie all you wanted, but you couldn’t pretend that your situation wasn’t getting to you. The message was short and sweet, but it made your stomach erupt with butterflies while simultaneously giving you the urge to throw up. Hi, I’m thinking of you. Just wanted to check in and ask you about your day.

“Y/n.” Yunjin spoke softly, but she sounded stern. She wanted you to take her seriously and to let your walls down again.

“Yunjin.” You responded, putting your phone back down and looking her in the eye.

“I can see how much this is bothering you. It’s eating you up inside, isn’t it?” She sat up and grabbed the remote from the coffee table, pausing the movie before facing you again. Neither of you need to clarify what “this,” was because the heavy toll it had taken on your heart was evident to anyone who knew about your feelings.

You couldn’t stop the tears before they began to fall. You could only nod in response, unable to put your feelings into words.

“Babe, I think it’s time to face this head-on,” Yunjin suggested, maintaining a firm but gentle tone. “You can’t avoid him forever. It’s hurting the both of you.”

“But what if it makes things worse?” You whispered, voice trembling.

“I really, really, really don’t think you’d do that,” Yunjin sighed and faced you directly. “He asked me about you the other day.”

That only made you cry harder, feeling like your heart would just explode in your chest. “What’d he say?” You managed to ask through sobs.

“You know, he just wanted to see how you were. If everything was okay with you.”

“And what’d you tell him?”

“I told him that I couldn’t really say. That you’ll make the time soon to go talk to him.”

“Yunjin…” you trailed off and broke your eye contact with her, feeling embarrassed. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy,” she began, “But, this distance? This awkwardness? It’s not doing you any favors. At least if you talk to him you’ll know where you stand.”

All you could do was nod before Yunjin brought you into a deep embrace, comforting you while you cried on her shoulder.

Over the next few days, you continued to wrestle with the decision of finally facing Gyuvin. The inner turmoil was beginning to reach its peak, you knew that you couldn’t keep pretending like he didn’t exist. Yunjin’s words echoed in your mind as a constant reminder to confront your feelings and put an end to the growing distance between you and Gyuvin.

One evening, as the sun began to set and cast a variety of golden hues over the city, you found yourself standing in front of Gyuvin’s favorite coffee shop. It was also your favorite, but you’d been avoiding it on the off chance that you’d see him there. Your heart raced as you took a deep breath, trying to summon the courage to go inside. The bell above the door tinkled as you entered, scanning the cozy interior until your gaze met Gyuvin.

He was sitting by the window, engrossed in whatever assignment he was working on, his brows furrowed in concentration. The sight of him sent a rush of emotions through you – familiarity, comfort, and a twinge of nervousness. You scolded yourself internally for being scared to talk to your best friend.

You approached his table, cringing at how loud your footsteps seemed to sound in the otherwise quiet café. He looked up, surprise registering on his face before morphing into a warm smile.

“Hi,” he greeted, closing the books that littered the table and setting them aside, “I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“Hi,” you echoed, your voice a little shaky, “Is it okay if I sit with you?”

Gyuvin’s expression to a more confused one, but his smile never faltered. “Of course you can sit with me,” he gestured to the empty seat across from him, “I would actually really like it if you did.”

You settled into the seat, avoiding eye contact with him. The silence between the two of you hung for a moment before Gyuvin decided to speak up, “Is everything okay with you? I feel like I never hear from you lately.”

You took a deep breath, your heart still racing. “That’s actually why I came here. I was hoping you’d be here so that we could talk.”

His brows furrowed slightly and his expression dropped, concern evident in his eyes, “You can tell me anything. Please, talk to me.”

“I really love you Gyuvin.”

Gyuvin smiled earnestly at you, “I love you too. You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

You sighed and looked him in the eye before repeating yourself, “No, I mean, I love you.”

Gyuvin's eyes widened, and he seemed momentarily taken aback by your confession. He opened his mouth to say something but hesitated, as if choosing his words carefully.

You cut him off before he could speak, “I just – I sort of realized it one night and I couldn’t figure out how to face you? I didn’t know how, so I just didn’t. And I know it was wrong and I know I should’ve just been honest with you and I just….” you trailed off and looked for some sign of understanding in his eyes.

There was a passing moment of silence where your eye contact was never broken, but you could feel your heart drumming against your chest while the lights in the café began turning on to account for the lack of the sun.

“I love you too.”

Your eyes widened and you waited to respond out of fear that the butterflies in your stomach would fly out if you opened your mouth. “You love me?”

“I really love you,” he mimicked your earlier statement.

You laughed a bit and let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, reaching a hand out to intertwine with Gyuvin’s. “I was so scared. That by telling you I’d ruin our friendship. That scared me more than anything.”

"Y/n, you have to understand that our friendship is incredibly precious to me, like a guiding light in my life. But you… you're more than that. And now, it's as if our bond is being woven even tighter, stronger, because we're entrusting each other with the most vulnerable parts of ourselves." Gyuvin's voice softened, his eyes locked onto yours with an intensity that sent shivers down your spine. "It's a kind of feeling that I never want to lose."

You felt a sense of relief wash over you at his words, tears welling up in your eyes and rolling down your cheeks, “I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’m sorry, I really am.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said softly, wiping the tears from your cheeks with his free hand. “You’re here now. We’re here now and that’s what matters.”

You chuckled through your tears, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders. “Yunjin was right, you know. She told me I needed to face this head-on.”

“I never thought I’d say this about her, but you have a pretty smart friend,” Gyuvin teased, his smile widening.

You both laughed, the tension in the air dissipating. It felt like a heavy fog had been lifted for the both of you, leaving a clarity that neither of you had seen before. The café seemed to fade into the background as you focused on each other.

“So…” you began, “What do we do now?”

Gyuvin leaned in a little closer, his eyes locked onto yours. “I think you owe me, at the very least, a date for what I had to put up with this past month.”

You nodded, stifling your giggles from him before responding, “I think I can make that happen.”

#zerobaseone x reader #zb1 x reader #zb1 imagines #zerobaseone #zerobaseone headcanons #zerobaseone scenarios #zerobaseone oneshot #zerobaseone angst #zb1 angst #zb1 fics #zerobaseone fics #kim gyuvin #gyuvin x reader #zb1 gyuvin #gyuvin imagines

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dreamyelectronicmusic · 5 months

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I'm loving your Wilmon fic so very very much! I was feeling mostly done with YR and all related media and ready to let it go - in a happy, pleased-with-season-3, it's all wrapped up and my hectic job is demanding my attention way - and then it was like your fic just broke through my walls and reminded me why I fell in love with the show and its characters. Your Wille and Simon are so good to each other. Their anticipation and nerves and exhilaration as they begin to reconnect - it's everything.

I was surprised to see it's your first YR fic! I'm curious about your story of finding the show - when did that happen for you, when did you first feel inspired to create this beautiful extension of the YR world?

Aw, thank you so much for this lovely ask, I'm so happy you like the fic! 💜💜

I discovered YR literally on day one! Or even before day one, because I remember scrolling through Netflix’s coming soon page and watching the teaser. I remember thinking it looked like an Elite-type trashy teen show but that I would probably watch it because it’s Swedish (I love Nordic languages). Then on July 1, 2021, at like 10 pm, I was looking for something to numb my brain and YR popped up on the Netflix homepage and I thought, oh I think that's the Swedish show I said I’d watch, let’s give it a try. So I watched the first episode and needless to say it did not numb my brain, I was immediately hooked. But I decided to be responsible and go to bed, and I watched eps 2-4 the next day, and then the day after that was a Saturday and beautiful weather so I went on a hike, and all the time I was trudging up hills I kept thinking “omg omg Wilhelm and Simon are so cute and August is such an asshole omg omg what is going to happen I need them to live happily ever after”. So yeah, I’ve been obsessed from the start 😂

I was never inspired to write fic for it before because I tend to prefer canon to be complete before I write anything, but mostly because I have this weird mental block about reading/writing fic in a different language than the one I consumed the original in. It just doesn’t sound right! (I watch the show in Swedish with English subtitles, so I want fics to also be in Swedish with English subtitles. Yes I know it doesn’t make sense). I guess the inspiration for ‘maybe now’ was strong enough for me to overcome that but tbh it still doesn’t sound right and I have to do weird mental gymnastics to write it 😂

Inspiration for the fic struck very shortly after the show, this is a post I made on March 19:

Ok so who's writing a fic where Simon didn't notice Wille running after the car, or noticed him but couldn't bear to talk to him again, and they have no contact for a year until Wille's decision to give up the crown is made public on his 18th birthday, prompting Simon to reach out and tell him how proud and happy for him he is?

And then I guess I didn’t wait for an answer and wrote it myself!

The inspiration came from the fact that while I love the ending we got and I am so happy that we got it, I do agree with people who think that it was rushed. Given what the first 17 episodes were like, we got the best possible episode 18, but in an ideal world, I would have liked another season, or the three seasons to have more episodes, or the episodes that we got to have a different pacing so that there was more time between the breakup and them getting back together. This is what I wrote in a reaction post after the first five episodes:

If this weren't the last season, I think I'd want them to break up now, take some time apart and get back together after some separate personal growth. But there simply isn't time for that.

One thing about me is that I love it when characters go their separate ways, have some separate growth and find out that they can live without each other, but they just really don’t want to. So in a way it’s a kind of fix-it fic for me.

Anyway, thank you for the ask and sorry I wrote a novel in response!

#young royals #young royals fic

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annakie · 3 months

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Never Fade Away

THIS IS A VERY LONG POST with big spoilers in both words and pictures for Cyberpunk 2077!

But it's also all my feels about a playthrough that's taken me many months and almost 300 hours to complete.

----

I played Cyberpunk 2077 on release. As I said in this "Games I played in 2021" post, which is a thing I wish I'd remembered to do every year, I loved it. That said, it probably wouldn't have cracked my top 10 or maybe even 20 favorite games ever, but I thought it was amazing, right out of the box. I ran into a couple of bugs, like couldn't complete the Delamain questline, and definitely agreed with some popular opinions about the game that parts of it didn't seem quite done, I had a couple of crashes and times I had to reload from something weird happening, but playing on PC I didn't have a lot of the problems console players did apparently.

It very much felt to me like another Andromeda situation -- another game that needed another couple of months to finish ironing a couple of bugs out but was mostly a victim of its own over-anticipaiton and overhyped-edness by the fanboys (and girls.)

That said, when I finished it I set it aside to wait for major updates before I'd pick it up again.

So last fall when it's one and only DLC, Phantom Liberty finally released, it was right around when the BG3 hype was happening so BG3 came first. But I kept having to wait for mods to update after patches dropped, so during one of these breaks I went and started playthrough #2 of Cyberpunk 2077.

My first time through I was a Nomad, so to mix it up this time I went Corpo. I really enjoyed Corpo a lot more and thought it had some much cooler interactions than Nomad ever gave me. Although, I thought the introduction and subsequent friendship with Jackie felt more natural with Nomad.

There were several goals I had going in to this playthrough.

Different origin - check.

Send Jackie's body to Mama Welles -- with no spoilers from my first run, I thought sending the body to Vik to work on first would be the most logical choice and either he could help Jackie or at least get him interred properly so Jackie's mom WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE TRAUMATIZED by her son's body just showing up. Guess that was the wrong choice and it was way too late to change once I found that out. So yeah, start things off right with Mama.

Complete the Delamain quest now that the showstopper bug a LOT of people ran into was fixed. (Didn't mention it later, but check!)

Find all the Hidden Gems

Pick a different ending.

Install cool mods to enhance things without breaking the game.

Generally, just do everything. Except maybe the Sinnerman questline. (I aborted halfway through and didn't regret it.)

Understand the main storyline in ways that had confused the hell out of me the first time around.

High quality Screenshots screenshots screenshots screenshots screenshots.

So with 1 checked off, I decided before advancing the main storyline much, I'd try to raise my fame level a bit and also just let Jackie live for awhile.

I did some research and landed on installing the Welcome to Night City mod collection. It's well researched, well maintained, the creator is really responsive, and has a Discord with a well supported community. Importantly for me, it also didn't have any "sexy" mods, just great gameplay tweaks, fixes, customizable on how much harder/easier it made the game, and added a lot of flavor and experience but felt like everything just worked in the background. Also since I have a Premium Nexus Mods experience, the install and upgrades were very, very easy. I didn't do the upgraded CyberpunkTHING experience, since it makes the game harder. I was here for a good time.

(And yes, I endorsed every mod in the collection!)

Honestly it added so many things that I'm sure there was a ton of stuff I just experienced thinking that that's just how the game was now, but it was a part of a seamlessly integrated mod collection.

I'll definitely use this mod pack again the next time I play. But also I didn't install ANY other mods really for a very long time, and I now really wish that I had. But we'll get to that.

I also installed several other graphics mods on my own, like a high-res skin for River (and the... shall we say... anti-Kendoll mod for him lol) and like, this mod (and several others from that author) that tones down the hypersexuality of the ads in the game. I realized early on that they don't bother me in-game -- it totally fits the aesthetic and tone of the game! But also I didn't want all that in screenshots that I will have rotating on my desktop for years (shoutout to DisplayFusion) and would have the possibility of like, my AC guy or my neighbors kids having to see as my Office is my living room (and my living room is the smallest bedroom of my house).

I did a lot of the gigs in Watson before advancing the main storyline so I'd have an OK character for storming stuff this time. I recently found a list of places Johnny talks in early Watson jobs to avoid doing early next time:

Side Job: Losing My Religion (where you have to free the monk from Maelstrom)

Fixer Gig: Backs Against the Wall (recover stolen medicine from veteran)

Fixer Gig: Scrolls before Swine (get the CCTV footage for the cop, only if you watch before downloading)

So you can do all NCPD hustles, the first 10 Fixer gigs and and all side jobs except Losing My Religion without losing out on any of the Johnny experience.

Leaving that there for next time. Anyway, it feels like it makes more sense to get this chance at the big gig when you have some experience, and can pretend you and Jackie were living life together a little while longer. Next playthrough -- use AMM to take some hanging out with Jackie screenshots early on.

---

Eventually I advanced the main storyline enough and finished the Heist, and was able to check #2 off my list. Loved not getting yelled at by Mama Welles this time. And felt with the added time that I had a right to be doing this -- still extremely stupid in retrospect -- gig. But it was more fun have tools to deal with the hotel guards this time.

Knowing who Takemora was and meeting Johnny again were really enhanced by knowing what the fuck was going on the second time around. Keanu really knocks it out of the park when you finally really understand the character.

Though I hate the early adversarial feeling between him and V, I get it a lot more now. Watching the relationship grow is really worth it.

---

I wasn't invited to Jackie's memorial the first time. So getting to go the second time and help repair Misty and Mama Wells' relationship was great, and I really loved getting to know Jackie better by picking out something for the funeral at his garage, and the added time with Misty.

---

I told myself I'd do a different spec than stealth-hacker. I was wrong. I still did that. I love using Contagion and Overheat to take enemies out non-lethally while crouched behind something nearby. The ones that really deserve it get a shot from Skippy later.

Yeah, as soon as lockdown was over I hightailed it down to Valentino's territory and then headed back to Watson / Japantown. I gave Skippy up as late as possible, when he was outliving his usefulness. I got him back as fast as I could, but I miss his voice. I miss his quips.

After that when I needed a weapon I mostly used the Arasaka experimental smart SMG. IDK, I just liked the feeling of stealing shit from Arasaka and using it to fuck up their own people whenever possible. But again, I didn't shoot weapons much anyway.

---

I spent so, so much time just driving around taking pictures of my cars and the amazing ways the light looked while driving through the city. I absolutely fell in love with the aesthetics of the city, every part of it, over and over again. I posted a few photosets. There are more in the queue. There are so many screenshots I didn't use.

Like, honestly out of everything I love about this game just... looking at it is maybe my favorite thing. There's so much to see, all of the time, everywhere. Your eyes can never take it all in. I'll be in a place I've been a dozen times and still find new awesome things to look at. I just can't describe how much I enjoy just... looking at this game.

I never fast travel anywhere -- except out of the Megabuilding 10 apartment. I took the metro a few times just to sit back and relax watching the scenery go by but normally I just drive everywhere.

Jackie's Arch and the Porche 911 (and its variant in the bottom screenshot) are my favorite vehicles. Bikes for maneuverability, but also likewise the Porche has better handling than a bike while still being really easy to weave through traffic in.

Night City is one of the few locations in any video game I've ever played that TRULY feels like it could be a real place. Every neighborhood is distinct. Though there are some familiar things, one Captain Caliente doesn't look like every other one. You'll see a few of the same signs around, there are some generic small building structures but where it makes sense. Yeah there's a few monolithic Arasaka buildings but of course they would be. How efficient. The megabuildings are similar, but different enough. It feels like every detail of the world was crafted so carefully. There's so much beauty even in the ugly bits.

I never want to stop looking at it, or screenshotting it. I just love the city so much.

I'm going to run out of screenshot space on this post.

---

I romanced River again. Look, I'm a basic primarily het romancer in video games. I love Judy, she's amazing, but River ticks my boxes -- the Paladin archetype who gives it all up to do the right thing even when it costs him.

I hate that he's the most undercooked of all the companions plot and time-wise. But there were some huge improvements this time. All the companions had gotten extra text message interactions. A fun little quest that added a bit more content in PL. They Really Want To Stay at Your House! And along with that, amazing mods are now available to make those things even better. (River Romanced Enhanced, the Really Want To Stay At Your House and Romance Interactions Enhanced mods)

Around the mid-point in game after seeing some amazing photosets on my desktop, I got brave and installed Appearance Mod Menu and a bunch of other pose and photomode mods that go along with it. Also some outfit mods for River. And then things really got cooking screenshot wise.

Even though it took a lot of effort to set this stuff up and to get poses to work right sometimes, I got to feel like River and my V went out and had real dates on the town.

Also sometimes... we just uh... stayed in.

There's so many photos that won't ever make it to tumblr. And so many more sets I want to take.

Well, that's what reloading old saves is for.

You'll see some of these screenshots again, or have before. I have a lot of things queued that will pop up... sometime. I like to surprise myself with my own photosets. :D

---

I finally installed the Virtual Atleir and started modding in outfits a little while after doing AMM, was trying to install things in waves as to not break too much. I got a few crashes here and there, but not as many as I was worried about, after installing stuff on top of Welcome to Night City.

I kind of regret waiting so long to do Virtual Atlier and clothing mods but also not. I think I manually collected like 95% or more of all the ingame clothing. I still stop by clothing stores but they usually have nothing new for me, or just things like... masks that I never use. There's such a huge variety of clothes already in the game that I didn't get to build a lot of outfits around pieces that I love. I made a whole post of ingame-outfits I made and love!

And there's one in the queue somewhere of modded-in outfits, too. Not even all of them.

Cyberpunk 2077 is the ultimate Dress-up my dolls and make them kiss game, and I may never stop playing that aspect of it.

---

Hey speaking of Kerry Eurodyne, I love him. And Panam. And Judy. And Vik. and Claire. And Misty. And Rogue. And the rest of Samurai (Well, I chose Denny and always will.) The only thing I don't love is how it feels like you still don't get enough time with any of them, except MAYBE Panam.

I would love to be able to space out all of their missions even more. I try to put as much space in between the companion missions as possible, but this time it backfired on me a little because i crammed Judy's stuff in way later in the game than I should have, around when I was doing Kerry's stuff. When all of the main quest and most of the side quest stuff was done. And we all know that we don't get Kerry until way too late anyway. But doing Panam's stuff happened so long ago that sometimes I'd just drive out to see the Aldecados and hang out for a day because I missed them. (And, as you can see in the River screenshot above, I "brought him along" to introduce him tot he family once or twice.)

I have a great photoset in the queue of all the main characters hanging out at the Corpo apartment together I can't wait to come up someday. Not posting a preview screenshot here.

Except I forgot Claire. It took me like an hour to set that scene up and now I'm thinking about doing it all again to include Claire.

Anyway, mostly I just want to say that aside from just loving River, I love them all and don't want to leave them behind either.

Or the Fixers. Or Reed. But we'll get to Phantom Liberty.

---

Just one more quick stop here to talk about the music.

I installed the Improved Radio Continued mod and wow it really enhanced the music experience for me.

I am a 98.7 Body Heat gal, with a flip to Pacific Dreams when Ponpon Shit or History would play, but loved about half the new music on Growl FM. It took some finagling, but Improved Radio let me make my own custom radio station with JUST the songs I wanted. So it's a mash of those three stations, without the songs I disliked. (There's one on Pacific Dreams, the REALLY long one that has the interlude of someone saying the same word over and over really slowly? That one... ughghgh) and that was amazing. There's a handful of songs from other stations I liked too, that got added in. And, I'm sorry, no Us Cracks allowed. I love them as characters, still hate their music.

What I didn't expect was to really fall in love with the music of Samurai this time around. Like, I knew I should have the first time but I didn't put effort into listening to them since metal isn't my usual vibe. But it IS my brother's, at least when we were in High School and College, so I listened to it a lot back then and there are still metal songs I do like.

So this time I put all the Samaurai songs in my playlist and holy shit I fell in love with them.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to visit my parents IRL and the entire way up there I just listened to the Samurai songs on repeat. I'm a big fan now, thanks second playthrough.

----

So, Phantom Liberty was the big reason for the new playthrough. Let's talk about it.

I absolutely LOVE Dogtown. oh, Pacifica, but worse? Amazing. So much new stuff to see, and do. I loved exploring every nook and cranny.

It added SO MUCH to the game, I can't imagine playing the game without it. I didn't even go to there until I was like 2/3rds of the way through the rest of the content and I wish I'd spread it out EVEN MORE.

I will say that I thought some of the main quests were a bit long. I felt myself itching to get out and go do something else throughout some of the long sessions like basically having to do most of the stuff with the President in one big long chain, though it made sense. I loved those quests, though! And I think I'll like them even more on a subsequent playthrough some day.

The only part I really did not like at all in Phantom Liberty was -- ok look I made the choice to side with Reed the entire way. It's Idris fucking Elba okay, I have loved him since The Wire. And I absolutely understand why Songbird did what she did, and what she would have done if I'd have sided with her. And maybe I will next time. But this time, I was all in on Reed -- though I didn't become an Agent for the NUSA, fuck that. And I gave Songbird her final wish. Because again, fuck the NUSA.

But oh man, that last quest? With that FUCKING ROBOT following you around the base at the end, that is an instakill if it finds you? FUUUUUUCK that. It was so frustrating that I stopped playing for over a month because every time I thought about going back into the game to finish that my head wanted to explode.

Eventually I watched a couple of Youtube videos and read a couple of articles about exactly where to go and how to hide from it.

Look, I love exploring, I love taking my time, I love making sure I explore everything and miss nothing. That fucking robot harshed my gaming style so much. No regrets about cheating my way through that part. Zero. I made it through with only dying to it one more time and got the fuck out of there. I was also glad to see in the comments of the video I watched and articles I read that I was very much not alone in that opinion. I might side with Songbird at least most of the way to the end in future playthroughs JUST to never have to do that base again.

Otherwise, though, Phantom Liberty was a triumph. I want a mod that makes the Dogtown apartment not shit but also not luxury, and then I want to just stay there a long time.

----

So, I'm almost done with the game.

I installed two Hidden Gems mods that turn the easy-to-miss stuff into Fixer (and Ronald in Dogtown) quests and LOVED THEM. I wanted to see and do it all. And I did. I'm done with that. It took me many more hours of gameplay to get through all of that. Worth it.

In my playthrogh, River is waiting for me at my Megabuilding apartment to spend one more night together.

And then I'm calling Panam and having the Aldecados come help me storm Arasaka.

Last time I had Rogue help, and to be honest, I feel like that's still the right choice. Rogue helped start this. She should help end it.

But one of my goals was to do more things different. And to be honest, I hate the endings, so much.

It's not that I necessarily think there should be a happy ending for V. But I think that the game should let us help make sure other people have happier endings.

So here's the thing. V is richer than like 95% of Night City by the end of the game. She's got like six apartments, at least a dozen cars even if you don't buy many at the car store, My V still has like 8 million eddies.

I don't care what the game says.

In my game, V went to a financial lawyer.

V set up trusts with each of the Fixers, or maybe one for all of them, where they can access funds to hire mercs to help people who couldn't afford a Fixer but needs one. I'd trust most of them to use this wisely, or maybe Regina, or Rogue, or Dakota or Padre would help oversee it. At least a million eddies out there, to help those who get fucked by the system most.

V sets up a trust for Judy, so she's always got enough to get by. She sends her the best tech she's gotten her hands on to ply her trade with. Maybe a new van. Set aside some to help the Dolls.

V sends her heavy duty vehicles and Scorpion's bike to the Aldecados, along with a huge stash of weaponry and half a million or so eddies to help them stay solvent.

Misty's and Vik's rents paid up for at least a year. A vehicle each. Another 250k or so for each of them. They have room to breathe. Whatever Cyberware is laying around goes to Vik -- but if River wants a couple of pieces installed, he gets them (within reason. No cyberpsychosis for my man.)

Same for Claire. Set her up with her shop's rent paid up, and a trust, give her The Beast back, and another car of her choosing.

Kerry doesn't need much, but she gives him Johnny's outfit to remember him by. Or maybe to Rogue. What do these two giants want? Whatever it is, they can have. Split the memorabilia.

And then River.

First of all, a trust for Joss and the kids. 250k each, the kids get theirs in small chunks as they age. If there's a note on either of the trailers, it's paid off. If Joss wants to move into the city, done. Set the kids up with scholarships to the best schools they want to go to. A decent, reliable car for each of the four of them. Maybe Randy wants the Megabuilding apartment for when he's ready to live on his own again.

River gets most of what's left after all that. The Glen apartment specifically, that's where they made their best memories. There's still going to be like 4 million and a bunch of cars and property left. If V dies, it's his.

This is the closest thing to happily ever after that they can get, and in my mind it absolutely happens, at some point.

Honestly, if it were me, if I didn't know the "two years later" of it, then V would have taken the President's offer and gotten Johnny out of her head surgically and lived. The will probably would have triggered. Or knowing that the surgery could be risky she'd at least have put in a provision that a percent of it triggered so Joss, the kids, River, Judy, Claire and Panam would be taken care of.

She'd never have left River destitute and desperate to take care of the family. I can't accept it.

V would wake up maybe with less money, but her assets protected enough that even without being a Merc she'd be OK. The people she loved would be OK. River would have taken care of things, and would love her without her implants.

It'll never be happily ever after in Night City, but the people that matter most will be OK.

---

But I'm going to finish today, maybe tomorrow. I planned on it today but then I spent 4 hours writing this post and have a PF2E game tonight to DM that I need to prep for.

I installed the River's Epilogue Enhanced - Nomad Star Ending mod and.... so I'm bringing the Aldecados to Arasaka, and am going to have the happiest ending possible modded into the game. With my headcanon that a trust is waiting for him and the family. They'll be fine.

I love this game. I loved it before, I love it so much more now.

I can't wait to play it again someday.

#cyberpunk 2077 #river ward #kerry eurodyne #panam palmer #judy alvarez #johnny silverhand #rogue amendiares #cp2077 #long post #pptt

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iwonderwh0 · 1 year

Note

please do post the remaining parts of your traci headcannon!

Second part of this AU

It's not the last, I just couldn't think of how to phrase one fucking paragraph in this last part so I decided to post the story this far. Let me know if you'd still want to see that final part after this, lol

Sorry, I got wordy with it

The following text is not actually how I'd write a fanfiction, this whole au is quite out of character and quite messy and yeah, I only post it because exactly one person asked for it. At this point I'm not sure if I hate it, but it's written regardless of how I feel about it, so I may as well post it. But if you're not the person who asked for it, I'd prefer you to ignore it

Same evening Connor was staring blankly at the TV screen. It played constantly even if nobody was watching -- Hank had a habit of leaving it on to break the silence -- and even now it didn't require much deduction to notice that Connor wasn't actually watching it, but was just using it as an excuse to stare. Hank checked on him occasionally while cooking, unsure of how he could possibly approach this conversation, but each time he glanced in his direction, he could feel a chilling sensation surging down his spine. At first he thought it must be just the anxiety at the thought of talking with Connor about his loss and the complete lack of the words Hank could think of saying that bothered him, but it wasn't it. There was something else, something deeply unnerving that raised Hank's heart rate whenever he looked at an android. After a few more glances in his direction Hank finally realized why.

It was about how he stayed completely still: he didn't blink, didn't make the slightest movement, not even breathe, and none of it changed even when Hank stood in front of him and called his name. Then again. Connor looked right through Hank, as if he wasn't there, and after a few more unsuccessful attempts, Hank let out a sigh.

"After all, it's still you," Hank said, not really hoping for a response, but Traci's head snapped out of its frozen state and shifted to face Hank directly.

"Am I, though?" Connor asked, Traci's eyes drilling into Hank's.

Hank couldn't bring himself to respond reassuringly, realizing that it would be a lie, and even within Tracy's body, which had lower computing power Connor would still recognise it. Hank was aware of that.

"Hank, what makes me a person?" Connor asked suddenly, Traci's voice mixing with the one he used to have before.

"What kind of question is that?" Hank nervously swallowed, caught by surprise by the voice Connor had chosen to use, or rather the way it sounded layered over Traci's voice that Hank had grown accustomed to over the past weeks.

"You don't see me as Connor anymore, do you?" two voices fighting against each other for the right to be heard over another again.

Hank wondered if the ability to change voices was another feature unique to Connor's original model that was partially lost after the transfer.

"Bullshit, of course I do!" he said and tried to reach Traci's shoulder, but stopped his hand mid air, hesitating. Connor's gaze grew colder, lips tightly pressed in frustration.

"Then why would you treat me any differently? It's just a fucking shell," he said in his old voice, then added quietly, "It's still me, Hank."

Hank forced himself to look in those Tracy's eyes, noticing how their piercing stare directed at him slowly spaced out again into this dead blank expression instead. Almost identical to the one Connor's original model had the last time they saw it.

"I'm sorry" Hank finally reached out and gently squeezed Traci's shoulder. He was not entirely sure if he was apologising for the change in his behaviour that he couldn't deny or the whole situation in general. It was probably both.

"I miss it," Connor said in Traci's voice, then finally blinked and let out a sigh, just once. Hank looked at tears running down the android's face and felt a lump in his throat. He looked away.

Despite feeling the need to do or say something, anything at all, Hank found himself frozen in place by this invisible force, holding on his breath. Finally, he forced himself to look back and awkwardly moved his palm from Connor's shoulder to his back -- an unsure attempt to offer comfort without saying any of the words Hank got stuck within his throat, but for some reason as soon as his hand made contact with the android's back, Connor flinched at his touch, inhaling sharply.

Hank snatched his hand back and took a step back.

"Shit, sorry," he repeated.

Traci shuddered again and clenched her teeth as if trying to hold back a sob, but in an instant. any signs of discomfort vanished from her face, replaced by an expression of complete indifference -- tears were the only remaining evidence of past distress.

Suddenly, the TV seemed too loud. Was it always this loud or had Connor made it louder? Or maybe it was it just as loud as usual, and it was Hank's perception that had changed.

"It's still in the evidence room, you know," Hank said, "maybe there's still a chance to repair it somehow. What do you think?"

Traci shook her head no.

"The vital biocomponents are too damaged and would require complete replacement, but there are no spare parts compatible with my model," she paused, "The RK800 model wasn't mass produced."

"Weren't there any other Connors before you? Maybe you could use any of their-"

"They were all destroyed," Connor said, cutting off Hank before he could finish his sentence.

Hank wasn't looking at him. He couldn't.

"Is there any chance that…"

"Hank," Connor interrupted again, "There's no such chance."

Hank bit on his lip.

"Shit, I just..," Hank searched for the right words, but couldn't find any, pausing for a few seconds. He compelled himself to look at Traci, but couldn't hold his eyes on her face and looked down at the floor instead, "Ugh…Sorry, honey, I just wanted to help, that's all… I hate to see you…like this."

For a short moment, something shifted in Traci's face, or perhaps, it only seemed that way to Hank as he saw her in his peripheral vision, afraid to meet her eyes, and through the noise of a working TV, Hank heard a muffled sob. He might have imagined it, since a moment later Connor spoke again, and his voice was cold and clear, devoid of any emotions.

"As much as I appreciate the sentiment, there's nothing you can do to help, and I don't require comfort," he said, then tilted his head slightly. Hank could feel Traci's eyes on his face, "Besides, you can't even stand to look at me."

Heat spread from Hank's face to his neck and he felt yet another urge to apologise, but this time he stayed quiet. Connor was right - he couldn't even hold his eyes on him long enough, and this way his apology wouldn't mean much. He stood in place for another minute, blocking the screen -- Connor wasn't watching it anyway -- then stepped away. Perhaps Connor wasn't even looking at him, as he remained motionless. Hank couldn't tell.

"I'm going to bed," he said, "Goodnight."

Hank stood in place for a few more seconds, as if waiting for a response, but realising that it won't follow.

"Goodnight, Connor" he repeated, more to himself than to Connor, then walked a few steps away not giving an android a second look.

He closed the bedroom door behind him and sat down on the bed, looking at nothing, listening to the muffled sound of the TV playing in the living room, where Connor kept pretending to watch it. The thought of it made him yearn for a glass of whiskey. On the other thought, that would require him to leave the room and pass Connor once again, and just that fact alone was enough to keep him rooted in place. Shit, he didn't even know androids have the ability to cry. It definitely wasn't something he wanted to learn, not like this. If only he had known, maybe he could have been more helpful. Maybe. Maybe not.

The next morning, Hank found Connor in the same position as the previous evening - frozen in place, as motionless as a statue. The only sign of life within his otherwise lifeless body was the light of his working LED.

Hank turned off the TV, but tense expression on Traci's face didn't change, and she kept looking at what now was just a black screen.

Shit. Things were worse than Hank expected.

"Do you want walking Sumo?" he tried suggesting, but no response followed.

"Would you like to join us instead?"

Once again, his question was met with silence.

Later Hank asked other questions, like "Are you going to work?" or "Are you just going to sit here?" and "Do you need anything?"

Connor ignored him. Or, not specifically him, in a way it looked like he wasn't even aware of his own presence.

"Uh… I'll tell Jeffrey you're..," Hank caught himself before he could say 'sick'.

"Useless," Connor said.

Hank got quiet, then left a sigh of frustration. So Connor was aware of him, after all.

"You know, just because now you look like Traci and can't put things in you mouth doesn't make you useless, and saying that is pretty fucking rude, don't you think?"

Hank looked at Traci's blank expression and instantly felt a sting of regret. He didn't mean to get angry, after all he wasn't angry at Connor. If he felt anger towards anyone, it would be towards himself and his own helplessness to make things somehow better. Of course, he knew it wasn't solely about Traci's model specifically or how it looked different from Connor. Well, not only about that.

Either way, Traci stayed silent.

"Call me if you need anything," Hank said. He wondered if he should stay home and just be there, or maybe, instead, he should take hold of Traci's shoulders and give Connor a shake, force him out of his trance or whatever the fuck he was in. Hank didn't do any of that, instead, he walked back into the bedroom and returned with a blanket. He draped it over the android's shoulders, then lowered himself down to the floor to finally give Connor a closer look he was so desperately trying to avoid the day before. Android looked more like a doll than a living being -- unblinking eyes, half closed and empty -- it was hard to believe those eyes could actually see anything. It wasn't the Connor Hank knew. He wondered if he will ever see that Connor again, or was he long lost within that Traci's chassis, erased piece by piece with each passing day.

"Okay?" Hank asked again for confirmation, grasping the fabric of a blanket, unsure if he should risk touching Connor again, remembering his reaction from the day before. He nodded. Hank left a sigh of relief, then left.

Several days had passed, but little had changed. Talking out loud and commenting on everything that was happening, whether at work or home, or just in Hank's head, became a new habit he developed, although he wasn't sure if it was for Connor's or for his own sake. Somehow now with a motionless statue of Traci, the house felt even more empty than before.

One night Hank woke up to some weird noise coming from the bathroom. It had been almost a full week since Connor had stopped showing any signs of life, frozen in some form of catatonic shock, so any sudden, unusual noises in overall silent house, put Hank on high alert.

He leaped out of bed.

------

Connor stared at the TV for a few more…what was it, minutes, hours? He felt his lungs spasming in an irregular manner as if trying to fit more air than they had a place for. The feeling was unpleasant and seemed to be completely out of his control to prevent, so he searched through his running processes and disabled the ones responsible for breathing. Spasms ceased, although it left him with an unpleasant sensation of something pressing on his chest from outside. Still it was better.

Most of the processes in Tracy's body had different names compared to RK800, making it difficult to understand the purpose behind them. Connor couldn't help but feel the urge to disable any of those processes he couldn't recognize as they all felt like a constant reminder of past owner's presence in it. Why shouldn't he disable them anyway? He went though active processes once again, disabling roughly one-fifth of all. Something changed, but he couldn't tell what was it exactly. Maybe it was his perception of time. He vaguely remembered seeing Hank and even talking to him, but he couldn't remember what were they talking about and for how long. He only remembered one word Hank said to him among others that stuck with him. A single word confirmed all of Connor's fears about Hank's inability to truly see him for who he was. Or used to be, anyway.

Honey

There was a bitter irony in how a word of affection hurt more than any insult Hank could have used instead.

The picture on the TV seemed to be frozen on a single frame, then at other times it looked like a few videos were playing all at the same time, one on top of another. Maybe, after all, some of those processes he disabled were important. Still, the thought of reactivating them was repulsive.

Connor wished he could destroy this body in its entirety just like Traci destroyed his. That would be fair.

The thought of corrupting it was weirdly appealing, and this feeling -- anger -- was growing stronger He turned some of the processes back on, excluding ones responsible for breathing, and checked the time. It was 1 past midnight and the date…he hadn't realised it was almost a whole week since he shut down all those processes. Shit. How could this have happened? It felt embarrassing to realise how long have it actually been. Why hadn't Hank forced him into a restart? Connor had explained to him how to do that once, but perhaps he wasn't listening. Or maybe he had just forgotten about it or didn't find it necessary. Or simply didn't care enough to bother. It wasn't his responsibility anyway.

Connor stood up and walked to the kitchen with an increasing sense of hatred, not sure however who was it for. Was it towards himself or Traci? At this point it got difficult to separate the two. Maybe they both deserved it, in a way.

He looked around the gloom of the kitchen lit only by the light of a working TV from another room, and searching for something sharp that he could use to carry out his intention of corrupting Traci. His eyes landed on a reflective object on the counter, and as Connor reached for it, he realized it was a pair of scissors. Scissors were good enough, he decided, then walked into the bathroom as he wanted to see his foreign reflection getting what it deserved, each and every scratch on it.

He switched on the bathroom lights. Traci's looked at him from a mirror. Even after weeks had passed Connor couldn't connect the face he saw in the mirror with his own, even now, it looked as if Traci herself came back to life to gloat. She was grinning at him, she already won and there was nothing he could do to change it, not anymore. He should have found her before she had a chance to destroy him, but now it was late. Traci's expression shifted and her gaze got annoyingly sad. How dare she pity him, how dare she look so scared and hurt all of a sudden, it's it too late to be sorry for her now. Connor squeezed scissors in his hand. What's the point of taking revenge on someone who's already dead?

He looked down on the sink to stop his reflection from looking at him. There was no Traci in the room. He couldn't even convince himself of this obvious fact, but still expected it from Hank and was annoyed with him not seeing something he himself couldn't.

He rotated scissors in his hands and forced himself to look back at his reflection again. What part of this android was him? Where was his conscious mind stored in it?

It must be within his processing unit or somewhere really close to it -- he thought -- somewhere within his head. He shifted the scissors behind his back, firmly gripping them with both hands as he directed the tip to touch the nape of his neck. It would only take one motion to force two blades into the skull. From then on, if he were to still maintain some form of control, he would spread scissors open to maximize the damage, making it irreversible, and from then all his processes must shut down beyond any possible repair. There will be little to no blood, he thought, then met Tracy's eyes in his reflection.

What about Hank? Will it disturb him for long? He couldn't see him as Connor anyway, so it won't be much worse than finding the body of a stranger. Well, not much worse. Unpleasant, but Hank can handle it. Besides, maybe at this point it will be a relief. After all, Connor has been motionless for what turned out to be a couple of days. He is not much alive at this point, so, what difference does it really make?

Connor pressed scissors slightly forward, then looked up at his reflection for the last time, and at that moment as the cold tip of the scissors was pressing against the back or his head at a sharp angle, ready to penetrate, he remembered something vaguely familiar that had already happened once in his past. A bullet had gone through the head of his successor's body, the one he hadn't even considered till this moment. He was so eager to forget about its whole existence that he had missed the most important part about it: unlike his predecessor's bodies, which had all been destroyed before the revolution was even over, this one could still be intact.

Connor reenabled his breathing, and as he did so, the scissors slipped from his fingers, clattering against the floor. He took a step back, startled by the loud sound then leaned onto the sink and once more replayed the chain of thoughts that brought him here. Could it be?

He bent down for the scissors and as he was standing back up, Hank's concerned figure appeared in a doorway. Connor turned his head to face him.

"Connor," Hank huffed out.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," Connor said.

"What were you doing with those scissors?" Hank pointed at scissors in Connor's hands. His hands appeared to be a little shaky.

"I know how to get my body back," Connor said instead of answering as smile started to grow on his face. He side-eyed his reflection.

"What the hell are you talking about?" ank grasped Connor's shoulders, his grip tightening, "Are you hurt?"

"Hank," Connor said calmly, "I know how to get it back," he repeated, now slower.

It appeared as if the meaning behind those words finally reached Hank, as his eyes widened and his grip on Connor's shoulders tightened even more.

"How?"

#dbh fanfiction #dbh #traci au

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frogmentarii · 4 years

Text

QUESTIONS FOR OC CREATORS

Haaaa ok so I am doing this cause i saw @fallout-lou-begas steal it from @tarberrymentats and they both looked like they were havin hella fun so i am commandeering this for my own purposes. So lucky for yall its Emi time (art by the dearest @yesjejunus because yall need to see more of her work)

A) Why are you excited about this character?

Because she's an older woman (57) that breaks a lot of moulds and I love to see it. Aside from just enjoying older characters, Emi isn't a sweet old lady and she isn't here to try and mother anyone. Her drives are entirely her own and while she prioratizes herself and her sister before anyone else, its not always due to complete selfishness and just due to growing up in the wastes (I try to keep her character true to a fend for yourself setting as possible). I think Ill go into detail in another question with this, but I went through a lot of concepts and personalities for Emi before settling on someone who was seasoned and very much a product of the wastes. I think after seeing a lot of other couriers I finally figured out what I wanted to do differently, and that sort of helped guide her to become what she is today.

B) What inspired you to create them?

I think my last line there sort of short answers this. I wanted someone different from the other couriers I saw, and wanted to make one that was distinct or even juxtaposed against some tropes. She's a woman in her late 50s that doesnt try and play mom/granny to the companions, she very much has no stake in what happens to the Mojave, she doesnt care about Benny or that he shot her in the head (such is life in the Mojave, but she did have a job to complete so ripperoni him), and a lot of her motivations are selfish or exist to benefit her sister. She doesnt act 'old' in the fact that she isn't a wise caring soul or a grumpy old man, but rather her age is shown through her experience, and this also shapes her personality. She's never had to formally 'grow up' so she can come off as immature and irritating for her own entertainment, but she doesn't have youthful ignorance for how the world works. She knows how to be responsible but she doesnt have to act like it outwardly, even with her Tragic Caregiver Backstory.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

To a large degree in the beginning, yes, and to specific degrees now, also yes. Writing in general isnt my strong point though I did know what I wanted for her. The main image is there but the details are funky, and Ive been slowly hammering those out as I work along with her and Camila's stories. There's been some huge changes along the way that help push both of them towards an ending I like and that fits them, and even if it takes forever and I never actually write a fic, I'll be happy when she finally feels completed in New Vegas.

Aside from that, she kind of fits in anywhere in regards to AUs. My friend @yesjejunus and I have probably like 40000 fucking aus for our OCs and all of them feel just as organic and their canon stories.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

So I know I have an 'original concept Emilia' art on here where she looked like Laura Croft and had aviators but that wasnt even her first concept. I had originally wanted to make a petite southern belle type from Louisiana who used a shot gun and had a mean streak, but as I kept playing with concepts Emi really started to lean other places. Another huge change was her personality. Even when her concept got settled as a sniper from Mexico, she was suppose to be an early 30s caravan guard who was way too sure of herself. While there are reminents of that concept still in her, she has a lot more experience in the wastes and in think-on-your-feet situations to back up her attitude. Another thing she required was dropping her "take me seriously" personality with more goofy "i do what i want cause why not" traits.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Emi can get along with anyone at a surface level, for a small while, if it will benefit her or she wants to pass time. She really doesn't have interest in folks who arent interesting or beneficial in some way. Since I don't really offer her much, and am a bit of a wet bag, she might yank my chain for her own funsies or she'd have no interest.

And while I did indeed give Emi my go with the flow attitude, I think I wouldn't be able to keep up with her. Emi is very fast paced and doesnt necessarily have regard for those she decides to pick up as drinking buddies for the night. Def dont trust her with my life, and knowing the shit she gets into I'd def want to steer clear of it....like a trainwreck its much better to watch her from a safe distance, lol.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

A lot of affection from a meta standpoint? I've worked with Emi and Cam a lot since creating them, and they've def come a long way since their original concepts. I wouldn't say their story is quite where I want it yet, but I am quite happy with it overall.

That, and Ive met so many awesome writers along the way with Emi. Not all of my friends have posted fic but the amount of world building and having our characters interact and talking OCs ive done with them has placed both Emi and their OCs in a special place for me. Sure her having her own story is fun but I much more prefer the bonds Ive created with people over OCs and I think thats a bit more of a cherished component to character creation for me.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

Literally? That she likes to be irritating if she feels she can get away with it (or even if she cant). Actually? That she has a very "I shelter you and feed you therefore I make the rules, period." stance on how she takes care of her charge. She lets a lot of shit slide with Camila but things get very Rapunzel-esque at times.

H) What trait do you admire most?

How sure of herself she is. Even if its to a fault, she trusts herself and her judgements. That sort of confidence is something I strive to have haha.

To a lesser degree, and more of a meta point I wanted to make with her, just...her appearance I suppose? To me she's attractive, but she also has a lot of traits that aren't conventionally attractive and that's played a lot into how Ive wanted her to be. Again she's 57 years old. She has age to her body, her skin wrinkles and droops, her tits sag, she has the body of someone who uses chems, and yet despite her age and breaking of beauty standards ive made it a point to show that she is desired or thought of as attractive in non fetish specific circumstances. She herself, while aro, also still has an active sex drive and I really wanted this to be a backseat part of her character, as I feel like fandom in general shafts older women in this department (this also goes for a lot of her non 'old lady' traits I give her too). She still has sexual needs and is still very much sexually active, and she is still found to be a regular sort of attractive and is desired by those she gets involved with.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Yes? Ish, to a degree. I didnt have to but I wanted to. I also did a lot of headcanoning with post Mexico for her early life which, afaik is free real estate for lore/nothing super detailed has been given in canon.

Given that she and Camila both shape their stories as individuals, I did have to split up some canon elements to follow two seperate characters, but other than that I really just had to make sure Emilia's story wasnt "boring" in the fact that she again, has no real stake in what happens to Vegas/the Mojave.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

Cackles in 'which au will I obsess with today'

For the most part yes, however I love placing her in new things or different stories. She may be 'my courier' but really shes just the frog granny that goes into whatever au I am feeling at the time.

#courier six #emilia #emi #emilia vazquez #fnv

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timeless-hollywood-classics · 4 years

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Margaret Brooke Sullavan (May 16, 1909 – January 1, 1960) was an American actress of stage and film.

Sullavan began her career onstage in 1929. In 1933 she caught the attention of movie director John M. Stahl and had her debut on the screen that same year in Only Yesterday.

Sullavan preferred working on the stage and made only 16 movies, four of which were opposite James Stewart in a popular partnership that included The Mortal Storm and The Shop Around the Corner. She was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance in Three Comrades (1938). She retired from the screen in the early 1940s, but returned in 1950 to make her last film, No Sad Songs for Me, in which she played a woman who was dying of cancer. For the rest of her career she would appear only on the stage.

Sullavan experienced increasing hearing problems, depression, and mental frailty in the 1950s. She died of an overdose of barbiturates, which was ruled accidental, on January 1, 1960, at the age of 50.

Sullavan was born in Norfolk, Virginia, the daughter of a wealthy stockbroker, Cornelius Sullavan, and his wife, Garland Councill Sullavan. She had a younger brother, Cornelius, and a half-sister, Louise Gregory. The first years of her childhood were spent isolated from other children. She suffered from a painful muscular weakness in the legs that prevented her from walking, so that she was unable to socialize with other children until the age of six. After her recovery she emerged as an adventurous and tomboyish child who preferred playing with the children from the poorer neighborhood, much to the disapproval of her class-conscious parents.

She attended boarding school at Chatham Episcopal Institute (now Chatham Hall), where she was president of the student body and delivered the salutatory oration in 1927. She moved to Boston and lived with her half-sister, Weedie, while she studied dance at the Boston Denishawn studio and (against her parents' wishes) drama at the Copley Theatre. When her parents cut her allowance to a minimum, Sullavan defiantly paid her way by working as a clerk in the Harvard Cooperative Bookstore (The Coop), located in Harvard Square, Cambridge.

Sullavan succeeded in getting a chorus part in the Harvard Dramatic Society 1929 spring production Close Up, a musical written by Harvard senior Bernard Hanighen, who was later a composer for Broadway and Hollywood.

The President of the Harvard Dramatic Society, Charles Leatherbee, along with the President of Princeton's Theatre Intime, Bretaigne Windust, who together had established the University Players on Cape Cod the summer before, persuaded Sullavan to join them for their second summer season. Another member of the University Players was Henry Fonda, who had the comic lead in Close Up.

In the summer of 1929 Sullavan appeared opposite Fonda in The Devil in the Cheese, her debut on the professional stage. She returned for most of the University Players' 1930 season. In 1931, she squeezed in one production with the University Players between the closing of the Broadway production of A Modern Virgin in July and its tour in September. She rejoined the University Players for most of their 18-week 1930–31 winter season in Baltimore.

Sullavan's parents did not approve of her choice of career. She played the lead in Strictly Dishonorable (1930) by Preston Sturges, which her parents attended. Confronted with her evident talent, their objections ceased. "To my deep relief", Sullavan later recalled. "I thought I'd have to put up with their yappings on the subject forever."

A Shubert scout saw her in that play as well and eventually she met Lee Shubert himself. At the time, Sullavan was suffering from a bad case of laryngitis and her voice was huskier than usual. Shubert loved it. In subsequent years Sullavan would joke that she cultivated that "laryngitis" into a permanent hoarseness by standing in every available draft.

Sullavan made her debut on Broadway in A Modern Virgin (a comedy by Elmer Harris), on May 20, 1931.

At one point in 1932 she starred in four Broadway flops in a row (If Love Were All, Happy Landing, Chrysalis (with Humphrey Bogart) and Bad Manners), but the critics praised Sullavan for her performances in all of them. In March 1933, Sullavan replaced another actor in Dinner at Eight in New York. Movie director John M. Stahl happened to be watching the play and was intrigued by Sullavan. He decided she would be perfect for a picture he was planning, Only Yesterday.

At that time Sullavan had already turned down offers for five-year contracts from Paramount and Columbia. Sullavan was offered a three-year, two-pictures-a-year contract at $1,200 a week. She accepted it and had a clause put in her contract that allowed her to return to the stage on occasion. Later on in her career, Sullavan would sign only short-term contracts because she did not want to be "owned" by any studio.

Sullavan arrived in Hollywood on May 16, 1933, her 24th birthday. Her film debut came that same year in Only Yesterday. She chose her scripts carefully. She was dissatisfied with her performance in Only Yesterday. When she saw herself in the early rushes, she was so appalled that she tried to buy out her contract for $2,500, but Universal refused.

In his November 10, 1933, review in The New York Herald Tribune, Richard Watts, Jr. wrote that Sullavan "plays the tragic and lovelorn heroine of this shrewdly sentimental orgy with such forthright sympathy, wise reticence and honest feeling that she establishes herself with some definiteness as one of the cinema people to be watched".[11] She followed that role with one in Little Man, What Now? (1934), about a couple struggling to survive in impoverished post–World War I Germany.

Originally, Universal was reluctant to make a movie about unemployment, starvation and homelessness, but Little Man was an important project to Sullavan. After Only Yesterday she wanted to try "the real thing". She later said that it was one of the few things she did in Hollywood that gave her a great measure of satisfaction. The Good Fairy (1935) was a comedy that Sullavan chose to illustrate her versatility. During the production, she married its director, William Wyler.

King Vidor's So Red the Rose (1935) dealt with people in the South in the aftermath of the Civil War. It preceded by one year the publication of Margaret Mitchell's bestselling novel Gone With the Wind, and the novel's film adaptation by four years; the latter became a blockbuster. Sullavan played a childish Southern belle who matures into a responsible woman. The film also dealt with the situation of characters who were freed black slaves.

In Next Time We Love (1936), Sullavan plays opposite the then-unknown James Stewart. She had been campaigning for Stewart to be her leading man and the studio complied for fear that she would stage a threatened strike. The film dealt with a married couple who had grown apart over the years. The plot was unconvincing and simple, but the gentle interplay between Sullavan and Stewart saves the movie from being a soapy and sappy experience. Next Time We Love was the first of four films made by Sullavan and Stewart.

In the comedy The Moon's Our Home (1936), Sullavan played opposite her ex-husband Henry Fonda. The original script was rather pallid, and Dorothy Parker and Alan Campbell were brought in to punch up the dialogue, reportedly at Sullavan's insistence. Sullavan and Fonda play a newly married couple, and the movie is a cavalcade of insults and quips. Her seventh film, Three Comrades (1938), is a drama set in post–World War I Germany. Three returning German soldiers meet Sullavan who joins them and eventually marries one of them. She gained an Oscar nomination for her role and was named the year's best actress by the New York Film Critics Circle.

Sullavan reunited with Stewart in The Shopworn Angel (1938). Stewart played a sweet, naive Texan soldier on his way to Europe (World War I) who marries Sullavan on the way. Her ninth film was the rather soapy The Shining Hour (1938), playing the suicidal sister-in-law to Joan Crawford. In The Shop Around the Corner (1940), Sullavan and Stewart worked together again, playing colleagues who do not get along at work, but have both responded to a lonely-hearts ad and are (without knowing it) exchanging letters with each other.

The Mortal Storm (1940) was the last movie Sullavan and Stewart did together. Sullavan played a young German girl engaged in 1933 to a confirmed Nazi (Robert Young). When she realizes the true nature of his political views, she breaks the engagement and turns her attention to anti-Nazi Stewart. Later, trying to flee the Nazi regime, Sullavan and Stewart attempt to ski across the border to safety in Austria. Sullavan is gunned down by the Nazis (under orders from her ex-fiance). Stewart, at her request, picks up the dying Sullavan and takes her by skis into Austria, so she can die in what was still a free country.

Back Street (1941) was lauded as one of the best performances of Sullavan's Hollywood career. She wanted Charles Boyer to play opposite her so much that she agreed to surrender top billing to him. Boyer plays a selfish and married banker and Sullavan his long-suffering mistress. Although he loves Sullavan, he is unwilling to leave his wife and family in favour of her. So Ends Our Night (1941) was another wartime drama. Sullavan (on loan for a one-picture deal from Universal) plays a Jewish girl perpetually on the move with falsified passport and identification papers and always fearing that the officials will discover her. On her way across Europe, she meets up with a young Jewish man (Glenn Ford) and the two fall in love.

A 1940 court decision obligated Sullavan to fulfill her original 1933 agreement with Universal, requiring her to make two more films for them. Back Street (1941) came first. The light comedy, Appointment for Love (1941), was Sullavan's last picture with that company. In the film, Sullavan appeared with Boyer again. Boyer's character marries Sullavan, who tells him that his past affairs mean nothing to her. She insists that each must have an apartment in the same building and that they meet only once a day, at seven o'clock in the morning.

Cry 'Havoc' (1943) is a World War II drama and a rare all-female film. Sullavan played the strong mother figure who keeps a crew of nurses in line in a dugout in Bataan, while they are awaiting the advance of Japanese soldiers who are about to take over. It was the last film Sullavan made with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. After its completion, she was free of all film commitments. She had often referred to MGM and Universal as "jails". When her husband, Leland Hayward, tried to read her the good reviews of Cry 'Havoc', she responded with usual bluntness: "You read them, use them for toilet paper. I had enough hell with that damned picture while making it – I don't want to read about it now!"

Sullavan's co-starring roles with James Stewart are among the highlights of their early careers. In 1935, Sullavan had decided on doing Next Time We Love. She had strong reservations about the story, but had to "work off the damned contract". The script contained a role she thought might be ideal for Stewart, who was best friends with Sullavan's first husband, actor Henry Fonda. Years earlier, during a casual conversation with some fellow actors on Broadway, Sullavan predicted Stewart would become a major Hollywood star.

By 1936, Stewart was a contract player at MGM but getting only small parts in B-movies. At that time Sullavan worked for Universal and when she brought up Stewart's name, they were puzzled. The Universal casting people had never heard of him. At Sullavan's suggestion Universal agreed to test him for her leading man and eventually he was borrowed from a willing MGM to star with Sullavan in Next Time We Love.

Stewart had been nervous and unsure of himself during the early stages of production. At that time he had only had two minor MGM parts which had not given him much camera experience. The director, Edward H. Griffith, began bullying Stewart. "Maggie, he's wet behind the ears," Griffith told Sullavan. "He's going to make a mess of things."

She believed in Stewart and spent evenings coaching him and helping him scale down his awkward mannerisms and hesitant speech that were soon to be famous around the world. "It was Margaret Sullavan who made James Stewart a star," director Griffith later said. "And she did, too," Bill Grady from MGM agreed. "That boy came back from Universal so changed I hardly recognized him." Gossip in Hollywood at that time (1935–36) was that William Wyler, Sullavan's then-husband, was suspicious about his wife's and Stewart's private rehearsing together.

When Sullavan divorced Wyler in 1936 and married Leland Hayward that same year, they moved to a colonial house just a block down from Stewart.[22] Stewart's frequent visits to the Sullavan/Hayward home soon restoked the rumors of his romantic feelings for Sullavan. Sullavan and Stewart's second movie together was The Shopworn Angel (1938). "Why, they're red-hot when they get in front of a camera," Louis B. Mayer said about their onscreen chemistry. "I don't know what the hell it is, but it sure jumps off the screen."

Walter Pidgeon, who was part of the triangle in The Shopworn Angel later recalled: "I really felt like the odd-man-out in that one. It was really all Jimmy and Maggie ... It was so obvious he was in love with her. He came absolutely alive in his scenes with her, playing with a conviction and a sincerity I never knew him to summon away from her." Eventually the duo made four movies together between 1936 and 1940 (Next Time We Love, The Shopworn Angel, The Shop Around the Corner, and The Mortal Storm).

Sullavan took a break from films from 1943-50. Throughout her career, Sullavan seemed to prefer the stage to the movies. She felt that only on the stage could she improve her skills as an actor. "When I really learn to act, I may take what I have learned back to Hollywood and display it on the screen", she said in an interview in October 1936 (when she was doing Stage Door on Broadway between movies). "But as long as the flesh-and-blood theatre will have me, it is to the flesh-and-blood theatre I'll belong. I really am stage-struck. And if that be treason, Hollywood will have to make the most of it".

Another reason for her early retirement from the screen (1943) was that she wanted to spend more time with her children, Brooke, Bridget and Bill (then 6, 4 and 2 years old). She felt that she had been neglecting them and felt guilty about it.[25] Sullavan would still do stage work on occasion. From 1943–44 she played the sexually inexperienced but curious Sally Middleton in The Voice of the Turtle (by John Van Druten) on Broadway and later in London (1947). After her short return to the screen in 1950 with No Sad Songs for Me, she did not return to the stage until 1952.

Her choice then was as the suicidal Hester Collyer, who meets a fellow sufferer, Mr. Miller (played by Herbert Berghof), in Terence Rattigan's The Deep Blue Sea. In 1953 she agreed to appear in Sabrina Fair by Samuel Taylor.

She came back to the screen in 1950 to do one last picture, No Sad Songs for Me. She played a suburban housewife and mother who learns that she will die of cancer within a year and who then determines to find a "second" wife for her soon-to-be-widower husband (Wendell Corey). Natalie Wood, then eleven, plays their daughter.

After No Sad Songs for Me and its favorable reviews, Sullavan had a number of offers for other films, but she decided to concentrate on the stage for the rest of her career.

In 1955–56 Sullavan appeared in Janus, a comedy by playwright Carolyn Green. Sullavan played the part of Jessica who writes under the pen name Janus, and Robert Preston played her husband. The play ran for 251 performances from November 1955 to June 1956.

In the late 1950s Sullavan's hearing and depression were getting worse. However, in 1959 she agreed to do Sweet Love Remembered by playwright Ruth Goetz. It was to be Sullavan's first Broadway appearance in four years. Rehearsals began on December 1, 1959. She had mixed emotions about a return to acting and her depression soon became clear to everyone: "I loathe acting", she said on the very day she started rehearsals. "I loathe what it does to my life. It cancels you out. You cannot live while you are working. You are a person surrounded by an unbreachable wall".

On December 18, 1955, Sullavan appeared as the mystery guest on the TV panel show What's My Line?.

Sullavan had a reputation for being both temperamental and straightforward. On one occasion Henry Fonda had decided to take up a collection for a 4th of July fireworks display. After Sullavan refused to make a contribution, Fonda complained loudly to a fellow actor. Then Sullavan rose from her seat and doused Fonda from head to foot with a pitcher of ice water. Fonda made a stately exit, and Sullavan, composed and unconcerned, returned to her table and ate heartily. Another of her blowups almost killed Sam Wood, one of the founders of the Motion Picture Alliance. Wood was a keen anti-Communist. He dropped dead from a heart attack shortly after a raging argument with Sullavan, who had refused to fire a writer on a proposed film on account of his left-wing views. Louis B. Mayer always seemed wary and nervous in her presence. "She was the only player who outbullied Mayer", Eddie Mannix of MGM later said of Sullavan. "She gave him the willies".

Sullavan was married four times. She married actor Henry Fonda on December 25, 1931, while both were performing with the University Players in its 18-week winter season in Baltimore at the Congress Hotel Ballroom on West Franklin Street near North Howard St. Sullavan and Fonda separated after two months and divorced in 1933.

After separating from Fonda, Sullavan began a relationship with Broadway producer Jed Harris. She later began a relationship with William Wyler, the director of her next movie, The Good Fairy (1935). They were married in November 1934, and divorced in March 1936.

Sullavan's third marriage was to agent and producer Leland Hayward. Hayward had been Sullavan's agent since 1931. They married on November 15, 1936. At the time of the marriage, Sullavan was pregnant with the couple's first child. Their daughter, Brooke, was born in 1937 and later became an actress. The couple had two more children, Bridget (1939 – October 17, 1960) and William III "Bill" (1941–2008), who became a film producer and attorney. In 1947, Sullavan filed for divorce after discovering that Hayward was having an affair with socialite Slim Keith. Their divorce became final on April 20, 1948.

In 1950, Sullavan married for a fourth and final time to English investment banker Kenneth Wagg. They remained married until her death in 1960.

Sullavan’s children, in particular Bridget and Bill, often proved rebellious and contrary. As a result of the divorce from Hayward, the family fell apart. Sullavan felt that Hayward was trying to alienate their children from her. When the children went to California to visit their father they were so spoiled with expensive gifts that, when they returned to their mother in Connecticut, they were deeply discontented with what they saw as a staid lifestyle.

By 1955, when Sullavan's two younger children told their mother that they preferred to stay with their father permanently, she suffered a nervous breakdown. Sullavan's eldest daughter, Brooke, later wrote about the breakdown in her 1977 autobiography Haywire: Sullavan had humiliated herself by begging her son to stay with her. He remained adamant and his mother had started to cry. "This time she couldn't stop. Even from my room the sound was so painful I went into my bathroom and put my hands on my ears". In another scene from the book, a friend of the family (Millicent Osborne) had been alarmed by the sound of whimpering from the bedroom: "She walked in and found mother under the bed, huddled in a foetal position. Kenneth was trying to get her out. The more authoritative his tone of voice, the farther under she crawled. Millicent Osborne took him aside and urged him to speak gently, to let her stay there until she came out of her own accord". Eventually Sullavan agreed to spend some time (two and a half months) in a private mental institution. Her two younger children, Bridget and Bill, also spent time in various institutions. Bridget died of a drug overdose in October 1960, while Bill died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in March 2008.

Sullavan suffered from the congenital hearing defect otosclerosis that worsened as she aged, making her more and more hearing impaired. Her voice had developed a throatiness because she could hear low tones better than high ones. From early 1957, Sullavan's hearing declined so much that she was becoming depressed and sleepless and often wandered about all night. She would often go to bed and stay there for days, her only words: "Just let me be, please". Sullavan had kept her hearing problem largely hidden. On January 8, 1960 (one week after Sullavan's death), The New York Post reporter Nancy Seely wrote: "The thunderous applause of a delighted audience—was it only a dim murmur over the years to Margaret Sullavan? Did the poised and confident mien of the beautiful actress mask a sick fear, night after night, that she'd miss an important cue?"

On January 1, 1960, at about 5:30 p.m., Sullavan was found in bed, barely alive and unconscious, in a hotel room in New Haven, Connecticut. Her copy of the script to Sweet Love Remembered, in which she was then starring during its tryout in New Haven, was found open beside her. Sullavan was rushed to Grace New Haven Hospital, but shortly after 6:00 p.m. she was pronounced dead on arrival.[38] She was 50 years old. No note was found to indicate suicide, and no conclusion was reached as to whether her death was the result of a deliberate or an accidental overdose of barbiturates. The county coroner officially ruled Sullavan's death an accidental overdose. After a private memorial service was held in Greenwich, Connecticut, Sullavan was interred at Saint Mary's Whitechapel Episcopal Churchyard in Lancaster, Virginia.

For her contribution to the motion picture industry, Margaret Sullavan has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame located at 1751 Vine Street. She was inducted, posthumously, into the American Theater Hall of Fame in 1981.

Sullavan's eldest daughter, actress Brooke Hayward, wrote Haywire, a best-selling memoir about her family, that was adapted into the miniseries Haywire that aired on CBS starring Lee Remick as Margaret Sullavan and Jason Robards as Leland Hayward.

#margaret sullavan #classic hollywood #classic movie stars #golden age of hollywood #old hollywood #1930s hollywood #1940s hollywood #1950s hollywood

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