#otherwise we wouldn't have known her so. no matter how early i started nothing would have changed

[elytrafemme]

not putting under cut bc i feel like thats weird idk but jsyk im doing more mental health musings here 

u know something i find really interesting is like. okay i’m on my 4th therapist right now, right? which sounds like i burned through a lot and i guess i kind of did but really she’s my 3rd, the first one stared at me blankly for one session diagnosed me with GAD and “a mood disorder” with 0 other specificity and then recommended i go somewhere else. but the other two that followed were at that same place and i guess i just find it interesting how ill prepared they were with dealing with like... complex mental health issues?

because i mean, i don’t think either of the people i saw were bad people. but like. i told the first one about this one time where i was in one of the lowest mental states of my life (and at the time it was the worst i had ever felt) and my friends had been laughing at me during it, right. and so i gave them the finger. and my therapist laughed and was like well if someone gave me the finger i wouldn’t want to talk to them either. and then my second therapist said i hadn’t dealt with any “major trauma” and would watch me have dissociative episodes and do absolutely nothing but go like “i know sweetheart i know” and then the session would just. End. 

and it’s like, they were helpful when it came to things like my school stress, or ... well i guess just that. it was very basic things they could help with, it was like a school counselor. and that kept me from making these realizations about my mental health because they did not know anything more complex and couldn’t talk to me about it. 

my fourth therapist has been different, obviously, treats me like a person. it just so happens she’s the only private therapist i saw, and also the most expensive one. so like. fuck. 

[mystery-salad]

OC Interview: Matthias

Tagged by @just-eyris-things 💖 and I'm late to the party but here we are!

INTRODUCTION

1. Can you introduce yourself?

He offers a charming smile, "Matthias , Commander of the Pact."

2. What is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

"I'm a bisexual man, and very much a free bachelor still." He gives a wink

3. Where and when were you born?

"Right here in Divinity's Reach twenty five years ago. Wonderful city to grow up in, made a lot of connections that got me to where I am today."

4. What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

"While the standard sword and shield are the usual for soldiers like me, I prefer dual swords. I'm not one to take a defensive stance when I can charge right in against danger. It's good to take charge on and off the field of battle."

5. Lastly, are you happy?

He lets out a soft, charming chuckle before answering. "If I wasn't happy I surely would've moved on to other job propositions by now, my parents surely would prefer I took a safer role after my time in the Seraph. But there's something fulfilling about being able to travel and help people in a way I couldn't if I'd remained here."

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

"Oh they're wonderful, despite their status they love to keep a low profile though, so I'll avoid dragging this question out too long. We get along well and I try to write or visit when the opportunity arises."

2. Have you ever ran away from home?

"Never even had the thought to, there wasn't much to regret or bemoan of my childhood." He smiles fondly as he recalls, "There were night sneaking out with friends of course, boys will be boys, but I'd always come back by morning. Hopefully to parents none the wiser I'd even left, though I was not as stealthy as I'd thought."

3. Would you consider marriage or having children?

"While I'm in such a dangerous line of work I wouldn't dream of raising a family. I'd hate to be one of those absent fathers off to war. But perhaps, when retirement inevitably comes knocking and it's time to pass the torch on, I may settle down and find The One."

4. Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

"Of course not! I've had nothing but the most trustworthy and kind friends here. And while I know rumors spread that I and my co-Commander, Aildyn (@ascalonianpicnic), had a rocky start to our partnership, I can assure that the two of us work wonderfully together. Just a small cultural conventions bump was all."

5. Which friend knows everything about you?

"Oh, telling any friend everything leaves little to still keep each other on your toes does it? We all have our stories and dalliances we save for more private moments." His smile softens a little, as if fondly thinking of someone. "Nevertheless there is someone who knows the most about me, I'll keep her name secret to avoid any unwanted attention it may garner for her."

ASKED BY FANS

1. Are you literate? Have you been to school?

He feigns insult before offering a smile softening any potential misunderstanding on the action, "Me, illiterate? Id never hear the end of it from my family if I was, with how expensive the schooling I received was. And I highly doubt Logan would have put forth someone lacking in the ability to hold up the more tedious side of running an organization."

2. The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

"I'm not one for predictions really, I prefer to live in the moment and enjoy what surprises may come."

3. What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

"Hmm, I like to pride myself on being observant, so this isn't a particularly easy one to recall. But as a child, it took me quite a few years to realize that not all 'bite sized food was actually bite sized. Had some hilarious moments at dinner parties my parents hosted, not that they'd agree with the results."

4. Do you have mental health or physical issues?

"I'm quite proud to say I'm in tip top shape, physically and mentally. The safety of the world is in very stable hands." He holds his hands out slightly for flourishing emphasis before settling back for the next question.

5. What is your current main goal?

"While we are between dragon threats at the moment, a wonderfully relaxing place to be, we do in fact have some behind the scenes research going on in a few various matters. I'm not at public liberty to talk about then yet, but rest assured when the Pact makes another move you'll be the first to know the scoop."

CHOICES

1. Drink or food?

"Drink of course, a nice drink with friends can happen anywhere at any time. And I'm quite the amicable socialite if I say so myself."

2. Cats or dogs?

"I enjoy both, though I prefer the independence of cats. They know what they want at all times, and I'm afraid I'm far too busy for the training a dog would require of me."

3. Early bird or night owl?

"I'm an early riser by nature, nothing like getting a solid mourning routine and breakfast in before starting the day!"

4. Optimist or pessimist?

"I fancy myself an optimist, this job would get oppressively depressing otherwise wouldn't it? You've got to be able to focus on the bright side as you look forward."

5. Sassy or sarcastic?

"I enjoy some sarcasm here and there, sass has little use in mature conversation aside from hindering the mood. Sarcasm meanwhile, can still let things roll forward with intent thrown in."

HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?

He laughs, "While I'd underestimate the count of how many times my parents caught me either sneaking out or back in after a fun night with friends, I'm sure they'd overestimate it. But yes, they've caught me at least once."

2. Broke a bone?

"I've broken an arm or leg here and there, sometimes you just slip up or fall the wrong way of course. Especially when your enemies would like to cause far worse harm. But thankfully we have access to wonderful healers, and I've never been down for long."

3. Received flowers?

The admirers of the Pact and the hard work we do are very kind, they certainly make their adoration and appreciation known. I've received more flowers than I'd have room for even if I filled my office with vases."

4. Ghosted someone?

"Of course not, I'd hate to leave someone hanging and wondering what happened. Anything I enter into, I intend to see through to however it ends."

5. Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

"We all have moments of polite convention, and not every joke appeals to every sense of humor. I try to be discerning when necessary, but I've laughed at a fare number of jokes I simply didnt get."

He stands up, giving a polite bow to the interviewer. "Thank you for extending this invitation to me, it's always wonderful knowing how admirers feel and being able to share with the general public that we heroes are just like everyone else."

It's important to know that 99% of this interview is a bold faced lie

I think pretty much everyone's been tagged by now! At least those who want to do it! So I simply extend the invitation to say I tagged you, and mention me if you do this too! I'd love to see others who haven't gotten to this yet either 💜

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part eight

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occurred she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

After the rather unsuccessful trial, Y/n asked Nat to help her find the showers, figuring the routine act of showering couldn't hurt in easing her busy mind. Y/n dropped the bag off in a room Nat told her was free to use and once grabbing a new set of clothes, they headed off making friendly chatter as they went. But Nat was quieter than usual, an unconscious frown settling in her lips. 

"Wow, if I had known the showers here were so nice I wouldn't have insisted on going home after training." Y/n marveled at the spotless shower room, ogling at the appeasing design. 

Nat let herself be removed from her thoughts, a small smile escaping as she stepped further into the room. Like most gym showers they were separated by small stalls, a clouded door cutting off the occupant from view. It was well lit and simplistic, the only noticeable decoration outside of the marbled tiles being the Avengers logo. 

"Yeah, the showers are pretty nice. There’s towels and toiletries in any of those cabinets over there.” Nat explained, jerking a thumb over her shoulder at the row of neat and out of the way cabinets. Y/n nodded quietly, looking around as Nat moved to sit on one of the benches in the center of the room. 

Y/n tried to ignore the tension that seemed to build around Nat. Her eyes focused on the floor not even noticing as Y/n walked past her making her way to the cabinet. A familiar sense of worry crept into her bones as she shot another glance at Nat. 

Even the towels were pleasing to the eye, all stacked in beautiful rolls on the shelf. Y/n grabbed one, pondering if being one of the heroes was really such a bad thing. A painful feeling bubbled in her chest at the thought and she shut the cabinet with a silent exhale. The responsibilities that came with being a hero certainly weren't worth nice towels. But maybe her friends were. 

"You know in Steve's defense, he tried to tell them to wait for you." Nat vouched, looking up from her hands as Y/n moved to the showers. Y/n scoffed a little, relieved that Nat was talking again. She switched on the water, grateful for the sound it created to fill the silence between their statements. 

"Yeah, well, for Steve that was a pathetic attempt. He could talk someone into robbing a bank if he wanted to, you know." Y/n replied, sending Nat a jesting look. She received a half hearted laugh from Nat as the door closed behind her. 

She tugged off her clothes letting them pile onto the floor before tossing them onto the bench next to her clean set. Both were silent for a moment or two as Y/n stepped into the water, telling herself she was only a little jealous of the water pressure. The warmth that flushed against her skin was soothing and a soft breath slipped past her lips as she allowed herself to relax. 

However, her relief didn't last much longer than a couple of fleeting seconds before Nat spoke up again, her tone establishing a more serious mood. "Why do you still belittle yourself?" Her voice rang out clear as a bell, making sure Y/n couldn't pretend she didn't hear. 

Y/n's bare shoulders slumped and she inhaled deeply, pushing forward her palms to the falling water. Apparently her past hadn't been as concealed as she hoped. 

"What do you mean?" Y/n questioned, trying her best to keep an innocent feel to her words. But Nat wasn't having any of her games. 

"Your whole, 'I'm just a psychiatrist' thing. I'm surprised Steve hasn't figured out that it's not true." Nat remarked. Y/n knew it was an accusation but the way in which Nat spoke was calm like she was making an observation. 

"He hasn't had reason to suspect otherwise. I thought the same about you but I was wrong, I guess." Y/n confessed, any defensiveness toward being exposed washing away with the sweat on her body. It was only a matter of time before one of the Avengers found out and she was glad it was just Nat. 

A strained laugh echoed through the room and Y/n could practically see Nat's offended expression. "I used to be a spy and assassin, you really think I didn't find out everything about you when Steve brought you here the first time?" She questioned. Y/n hummed in response, grabbing the shampoo bottle next to her towel. 

"I was going to tell Steve too but, ever the gentleman, he wanted to respect your privacy." Nat explained. She shifted her legs, letting them cross as her eyes landed on the signature 'A' on the wall. 

"And you didn't?"

Nat dropped her gaze to her folded hands, picking at her fingers more out of habit than distress. "I couldn't. When you started to come around, we were receiving the backlash of the snap. There were hundreds more death threats than ever before, which I didn't even think was possible. I couldn't take the chance of Steve getting hurt because he's too trusting." 

Y/n remained silent, understanding Nat's actions. Though it irked her that the secret of her history was no longer her own, she reasoned with her irrational side to let it go. 

"Imagine my surprise when I found out you'd actually been scouted by S.H.I.E.L.D for years." Nat continued. The slick feeling lingered in Y/n's hair as she struggled to get the conditioner to wash out, her focus deviating from the routine toward Nat. 

"Why did you never accept? They'd been hunting you down since you were 13." The question sounded desperate and hurt as if the refusal was directed at Nat herself.  

Y/n sighed wringing out her hair and shutting off the water. "You don't know everything." She mumbled. "I did accept." She tucked the towel around herself before stepping out, meeting Nat's confused gaze. "S.H.I.E.L.D had been trying to get me to join since they had found out about me and once I was 14, I ran away and joined." She continued. 

A darkness settled in her eyes and she directed her eyes away from Nat, instead glaring at the floor. "Why didn't you stay?" Nat asked, her voice more tender once noticing the pain in Y/n's expression. 

"I realized S.H.I.E.L.D wasn't what I thought it was." A sick feeling settled in Nat's core as she quickly put a timeline together. 

HYDRA. 

Nat stayed silent even as Y/n moved to sit next to her. "Look, I'm sorry for not telling you. Believe it or not I have trust issues too. But by the time I got to know you guys, I thought telling you the truth would do more harm than good." Y/n admitted, lifting her eyes to meet Nat's. 

"It's okay." Nat offered her support, glancing over at Y/n. The brisk air nipped at her damp skin making her almost shiver when droplets fell from her hair and ran down her back. "I just wish you'd stop pretending you don't belong here." 

"I don't belong here." Y/n fought, her brows furrowing in frustration. "I'm not a hero. I'm not an Avenger. Everything I said back there was true." She insisted, trying to cling to the life she'd created for herself. 

"But you worked for S.H.I.E.L.D." Nat tried to emphasize as though it would change Y/n's mind. She shook her head looking away from Nat. She should've never stayed. 

"I don't want to talk about it, Nat." Y/n pleaded. The desperation in her tone overpowered any need to question further and Nat nodded, putting a gentle hand on her friend's forearm. 

"Alright, we don't have to talk about it." Her words trailed on and Y/n dreaded what she sensed Nat wanted to say. "But you have to tell Steve. The longer you wait, the more it'll hurt him." She warned.

Y/n dragged herself up to her feet offering a reluctant nod. She knew telling Steve would either change nothing or everything about their relationship and she feared the moment when she would have to find out which. 

"I will. But you can't say anything to him about this until I do. This stays between us." Y/n urged. Nat gave a small nod of agreement but Y/n could tell she would go back on her word if it meant keeping Steve safe. 

Though it hurt a little that Nat believed she'd hurt Steve, she understood her weariness. Her past had been the one thing Y/n had protected for so long and Nat wasn't sure how she would react to having to share it. But what Nat didn't know was that Steve and her came first to Y/n even before herself. 

"So, what exactly did they recruit you for? It didn't say in the report." Nat asked cautiously, trying to ease some of the tension between them. Y/n felt a hint of a smile creep onto her face, figuring Fury must've had some kind of contingency plan to protect her even after his death. 

"Well, I'm kind of a certified genius." Y/n answered, slightly amused by her explanation and the look of surprise it earned. "Graduated early and stayed at SHIELD for a year as their personal genius." Y/n elaborated looking back at Nat with an offended gawk. "What did you think I was recruited for?"

"I'm not sure." Nat replied, trying to apply this new piece of information to her memories with Y/n. All this time she was a genius? It didn't seem real with some of the stupid things she'd done.

"After my time with S.H.I.E.L.D I joined a high school for some normalcy until I transferred to college. Thankfully I'd be moved around enough classes to avoid suspicion. You must've seen all the classes on my record." Y/n explained, tugging on a t-shirt. 

Nat's brow furrowed and she scoffed, letting her shoulders slump in disbelief. "I thought you were just indecisive." Nat let out a breathless laugh. Y/n chuckled, pulling her jeans up and opening the door. Bringing her belongings out with her, she sat next to Nat to slip on her shoes. 

"Maybe that played into it. Everything was too easy for me but psychology kept my attention." Y/n turned to Nat, studying her thoughtful gaze. "Come on, I'm sure Steve is looking for us." She nudged her friend's arm, drawing her to her feet. 

"You know, for being ex-S.H.I.E.L.D, I thought you'd be easier to train." Nat teased earning a harsh glare from Y/n. 

"They wanted me for my brain, I only had to pass basic training." Y/n defended, jabbing her elbow into Nat's side. The woman laughed in reply, enjoying the pout that had settled on Y/n's lips. 

•••

As if the universe decided to have pity on them, Tony changed his mind, arriving at the compound with what he affectionately called a Time-Space GPS. Bruce seemed almost relieved now that Tony had joined, knowing the whole operation no longer rested on him. 

Or so he thought. Surely, he must've noticed Y/n adjusting his calculations and making suggestions that he would've never thought of. Maybe he just wanted to respect her secret? She gazed at said man with a suspicious glint in her eyes, not even noticing as Tony turned to her.  

"Hey, Doc. What are you doing here?" Tony asked suddenly, turning to Y/n's strangely familiar face. Her eyes flicked toward him, her face flushing in embarrassment as she readied herself for his disapproval. 

"I-I..." She stammered timidly under the gaze of her idol. Something in his eyes seemed knowing, a look that Nat gave her only minutes before and she began to crack with fear of her past being out in the open. It was out of character for her to be so anxious and Steve quickly stepped in sensing her unease.  

"She's with me." He said, his tone firm as Tony turned to him. Tony raised an eyebrow at this, confused by Steve's defensiveness. She was at risk being there but Steve didn't seem to care. 

Y/n had already gone this far with them and that made her a part of the team in his book. She may not have had superpowers or been in battles like they had but she was a hero for years by simply helping those their failure had hurt. She did what they had hoped to do but in the end never really did. She made the world better. 

"Alright…and since when did we bring civilians into this?" Tony argued. Y/n could hear a bit of concern in his tone and her brows furrowed wondering why on Earth he'd care if she got caught in the crossfire. She was a nobody to him.

"Since now." Steve fought. Tony sighed knowing fighting with Steve was pointless. He had spent years resenting the man and he didn't have the energy to fight him anymore. 

"Okay, awesome." Tony said sarcastically. Y/n watched as he held his hand next to his mouth leaning over to her. "Blink twice if you're being held here against your will." He whispered, loud enough for Steve to hear. 

Y/n's nerves dissipated and a soft smile came to her face as Steve frowned. She turned to Tony shaking her head, her suppressed laugh bringing his own smile forward. 

"I like you." She told him. He looked at her with an amused glimmer in his eye as he put an arm around her shoulders. He didn't know why but there was something familiar about her, a joy from his presence that only came from one that admired him. 

"Y'know what, I kinda like you too." He said gently, trying to figure out why he seemed to recognize the feeling. "Well, let's at least get you some kind of gear since you're gonna be stuck with us. Jeez, are we just gonna send her out there with a little clipboard? You guys are insane." Tony taunted, pulling himself away and turning a playful glare to Steve. 

"I wasn't planning on sending her into a fight." Steve tried to defend, not picking up on Tony's joke. Tony's mood changed with Steve's and he sighed, starting to lead Y/n off to the lab.  

"Yeah, well, I learned the hard way that anyone who's involved with us always ends up in the fight." Tony told him, not waiting around for a response. Y/n gave Steve a tender look as she followed Tony, her heart aching at the sight of Steve's guilty expression. As much as he hated to admit it Tony wasn't wrong. 

Was he doing the right thing? 

"What school did you go to?" Tony asked suddenly. She opened her mouth to question why he was asking but he beat her to it with a short shrug. "I saw the work you did. Lemme guess, some kind of tech school?" He inferred. 

She nodded slowly, trying to hide the stupid grin on her face at his subtle compliment. If only he'd known. They entered the lab and she stopped walking as Tony paced forward, trying to find some bracelets like Natasha had once used. 

"Midtown. I was really interested in making new technology." She explained. The mention of the school made him pause an intense feeling of grief washing over him as Peter came to his mind. He sighed trying to force the memories away. He was doing this for Peter and everyone else. 

"Why'd you stop?" He asked. Y/n shook her head, coming to stand next to the table to his right. 

"I guess other opportunities came around." She replied hoping he wouldn't question further. "But after that didn't pan out I went to college, learned anything and everything I could. I wanted to do it all and couldn't stick to one topic. Don't get me wrong, I still love science, hell, I even have the old arc reactor and repulsors I made back in the day. Just psychology was the only thing that could meet my ambition." She sighed, leaning against the table. 

Tony was silent for a moment realizing why he took such a liking to her. She reminded him of Peter. He sighed knowing he was going to do something stupid as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a small earpiece. 

"Were they any good?" He asked. She laughed giving a little nod as she thought of all the cuts and bruises she got from using them. 

"Well, I could fly a few yards in the air and I'm sure those poor soda cans had seen better days but they weren't exactly Iron Man quality." She confessed. He nodded, putting out his hand to her. Her eyes fell on the piece, her brow creasing in confusion. 

"Come on, before I change my mind." He urged. She quickly took it, studying the earpiece as he looked away. Tony never really had handled touching moments like those well. It had something to do with his own self hatred, he just couldn't understand why someone would look up to him. 

"What is it?" She asked curiously, tracing over the small button behind the ear hook. He moved to lean against the table beside her, using his finger to point out the button. 

"Uh, a gift for my wife but she didn't much care for the color. It's just a prototype anyways but it should work the same. Put it on and press that." He instructed watching as she pushed off the table and took a couple steps in front of him. She slipped on the earpiece, pressing the button like he told her. 

Bits of metal began to expand from the piece and it flushed over her body covering her from head to toe. A display lit up in front of her and she gasped as a voice greeted her, introducing itself as F.R.I.D.A.Y and welcoming Y/n. She quickly retracted the helmet staring at Tony with wide eyes, completely speechless. He smirked, trying not to show how entertained he was by her awestruck expression. 

"I don't understand…" Y/n said quietly. She was overjoyed to be given a suit, something she had spent most of her teenage years trying to recreate, by her hero nonetheless. But also confused. Why would he give her something so valuable? 

"How old are you?" Tony asked. Y/n's mouth hung open trying to find the relevance of the question before looking away. 

"24, almost 25." She answered slowly. Tony nodded. She was still so young yet so smart for someone who hadn't even reached thirty. Yet, she still had the ignorance that came with innocence. She hadn't seen what most of those on the team had and he wished to protect that like he had intended for Morgan. 

"I lost a kid because of Thanos. Though it wasn't just Thanos's fault I guess, we were too busy fighting one another to get our heads out of our asses and pay attention to the real threat." He crossed his arms, staring at the wall. 

"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that must've felt." She said. He offered her a half hearted chuckle looking up at her. 

"You really are a psychiatrist." He said, trying to mask the sorrow that filled his heart and gaze. But Y/n had seen enough people to know exactly what diverting looked like. Tony had been right about her not experiencing horrible things and she knew she'd never understand what they felt. The only trauma she'd experienced was the loss of her family but it was nothing compared to half the universe's blood on your hands. 

But while she didn't experience it first hand, she did through the people she'd become close to. She saw not only every tragedy that affected them but every reaction to it. She saw the brightest in them but also the dark that no one should ever have to see. She saw the aftermath of what they did and had experienced. And in that way she was just as wise.  

"He would've been around your age. He was like you, bright and hopeful. He was going to be better than me, better than any of us." Tony said softly and Y/n listened carefully. It was strange seeing the man that once appeared godlike in her eyes to have flaws or breakdowns for that matter but she had to remind herself he was human too. 

"Well, maybe after all of this, you can give him this suit instead." She suggested. He looked up to her, his expression insecure but his eyes grateful as he chuckled. 

"Keep it. Black never really was his style anyways." Tony remarked. Y/n smiled and he smiled back, realizing just how much he had changed her life by doing that. He cleared his throat, breaking eye contact before pushing off the table and walking off. 

"Well, we better get to work. I promised the old soulmate I'd be back for dinner." He joked. Y/n nodded watching as he went before turning back to the suit. 

It shaped to her frame as if it was fitted for her which was strange for a metal suit. Judging by the way it had moved she figured it had been nanotech, similar to the suit Tony had worn in the New York fight in 2018. It was surprisingly easy to maneuver in and she instantly figured out the concept of the display, getting acquainted with the A.I. F.R.I.D.A.Y. 

She didn't understand why Tony's wife wouldn't just adore the suit even though it was a prototype. The color was amazingly detailed, mostly black with silver accents in the grooves of the metal. She supposed having Tony Stark as a husband meant being able to make specific requests as to high tech.  

Y/n grinned idiotically, letting the suit retract back into the earpiece before going out to meet the others. 

Could she be one of them? 

•••

"That's Thor?" Y/n whispered harshly to Rhodey as the hobo looking man sipped his beer. His prominent beer gut moved with him and his sunglasses slipped down the bridge of his nose as Y/n stared in distaste.  

"Supposed to be." Rhodey answered shortly. Y/n remembered Thor being the object of every woman's fantasies but the years had not been kind to him and she figured it was no longer the case. 

"I'm gonna go check in with Big Guy. Ask Tony how long this thing's gonna take." Rhodey announced, jerking his thumb back to the time machine behind them. Y/n nodded absently, catching sight of Tony as Rhodey walked away. 

"Hey, Tony! I told Rocket that we need to add more paneling the exterior of this thing or it's going to fall apart but he doesn't think so. You'd think fixing spacecraft and all he'd understand the importance of paneling!" She explained, shouting the last part back at Rocket with a glare. "But whatever." She sighed sarcastically, turning back to Tony with an annoyed expression

Tony came toward her, carrying a bit of tubing over his shoulder as he carefully walked around Thor. He rolled his eyes at both him and her statement, calling over to Rocket. 

"What's the thickness of that exterior?" He questioned. Rocket looked at him from his hanging position giving a nonchalant shrug. 

"Quarter inch. Your girl over here is just paranoid." Rocket argued, making Y/n cross her arms. Tony shook his head, walking over to him and setting down the tubing. 

"You might wanna listen to her, Ratchet. That's like half an inch short of what we need." Tony said. Y/n hummed in agreement, not caring about the annoyed look she earned from the angry raccoon. 

"It's Rocket. Take it easy, you two aren't the only geniuses on Earth." Rocket fought before returning to his task. Tony scoffed, turning to look at Y/n whose face was flushed at the comment. 

"Hey, Couch Doctor. You want me to help you start on the paneling?" He questioned. She waved her hand dismissively, looking around for the metal sheets they would need. 

"Nah, it's ok. I'll handle it. I was the one that mentioned it anyways." She volunteered, tugging off her Midtown sweatshirt and tossing it over a stack of materials they'd been using. Her arms were now exposed in the tank top she wore, allowing Tony to catch sight of her countdown. 

"Well, that's interesting." He commented. Y/n followed his gaze to her wrist. Her face flushed from uncovering her rare countdown but she tried to brush it off but grabbing some welding tools. Thankfully, it was only them and the raccoon, making her relax slightly.

"Yeah, wish I could explain it but I'm at a loss." She mumbled. Tony couldn't bring his gaze from her wrist as she gathered the welding unit and protective gear. He tried not to make it obvious while he calculated the numbers but Y/n caught his stare giving him a quizzical look. 

"That's almost 90 years ago. Isn't that around Cap's time?" He asked. Y/n paused, her gaze dropping to her countdown. She'd made her own calculations before, piecing together that her countdown would put her 88 years in the future.

However, she'd never thought about it the opposite way. There was no reason to.

Tony felt a little at fault for her sorrow and he quickly changed the subject, trying to take her mind off it. 

"I mean there can't be too many hundred year-old men in the world." He mumbled. She shook away the thought, doing her best to disregard any theroies. It made more sense that her countdown was looking into the future rather than the past, as odd as that sounded.

Trying hard to force away the thought of her soulmate, she began welding some of the plating onto the machine. It was a difficult subject for her yet it had been brought up twice in the matter of a day. 

"So, I gave you a suit. Now I gotta give you a name." He announced suddenly. She stopped her hand lifting the welding helmet to rest atop her head. 

"A name?" She repeated, raising a brow. He nodded, putting out his hands in a playful gesture. 

"Yeah, I mean a hero name. Y'know like Iron Man or Captain America, the whole deal." He explained quickly. She was reluctant but figured a simple name couldn't hurt and she finally smiled looking over at him. 

"What'd you have in mind?" She asked him, watching as he stared at the ground thoughtfully. 

"Um, Iron Girl?" He suggested. 

"Wow, I could tell you put a lot of thought into that." Y/n mused. He chuckled coming to stand next to her, leaning against the machine. 

"You're right that's a little sexist. Uh, Iron Star?" He tried. Y/n provided a small shrug in response, reaching up to pull down the welding helmet. 

"I think I'll just stick with Y/n." She laughed. He groaned letting his hands fall against his thighs. 

"Come on, Iron Star's pretty cool." He argued, rather proud of his brainstorming. Y/n shook her head, sending him an amused glance through the visor. 

"If you say so, Stark."

•••

"Do you think it'll work?" Nat questioned gently. Y/n leaned further into the couch under Nat's intent stare, sipping the water bottle she'd been given. 

"Well, with Tony's help I think we have a chance. His algorithm sure as hell makes more sense than mine." Y/n sighed. Sweat had collected on her brow and she wiped at it with the back of her hand as she closed her eyes. 

She silently wondered how she missed something like that before. Asking about soulmates was an unspoken ban. It was risky after the snap just as risky as asking about someone's family. She'd never thought to ask because Y/n kept it covered and Nat had just assumed she'd lost her soulmate to the snap. 

They'd been working for hours and Y/n requested a break, not sure how much longer she could handle Tony and Rocket bickering over loud music. Nat had come to keep her company but also out of her own curiosity about Y/n's past. From Y/n's position she got a clear few of her countdown something she'd realized she had never seen before. Had her numbers always been so odd? 

Nat shifted uncomfortably on the couch opposite to Y/n, thinking about all those who had disappeared that fateful day. She'd been there when they all vanished and she vividly remembered the dread that set in after watching such a horrific display.

Suddenly, Steve's need for Y/n made perfect sense to her. 

The way Steve's fingers numbly fell into the pile that was once his lifelong friend. The words of shock that slipped through his lips in the form of a whisper. Collapsing onto the ground with the most devastated expression she had ever seen. 

He lost Bucky and so many of his other friends. His new family. He'd lost everything  But he had Y/n. 

And now that he had someone left to fight for he couldn't let her go. Not with hope hanging in the air. 

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost." Nat looked up, forcing a smile as Y/n took another sip of her water. 

"Just thinking about what's going to happen when we get everyone back." She lied. Y/n swallowed quickly, pointing a playful finger at Nat. 

"I don't know about you but I'm going to take a nap as soon as this is over. Tony's horrible sleeping schedule is rubbing off on me." Y/n laughed. Nat's smile became more genuine as she watched Y/n tap her earpiece letting just the helmet unfold around her head. 

"But first I gotta fix up these protocols a bit. I have no idea what 'Last Ditch Effort Protocol' entails but I really don't wanna find out." Y/n's voice came out sort of muffled and mechanical like Tony's was as Iron Man. 

"Probably something flamboyant." Nat replied. Y/n nodded, her hands swiping at the air before her nonchalantly. 

"Yeah, no one's quite as extra as Tony Stark."

Part nine 

Taglist

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@eldahae

@mc225g

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[thou-crusty-batch-of-nature]

The rise and fall of our love

part one | part two

playlist: broken by jake bugg

no.1 party anthem by arctic monkeys

pairing: james x reader, james x lily 

warnings: language, angst, fluff 

A/N: sooo im back with part two!!! thank you for the fantastic feedback and appreciation you gave me on the first part, and i hope this lives up to your expectations!!!! sending all the love xoxo

masterlist

(moodboard made by me)

"How is he?" 

"Y/N…" Remus began, putting down his quill. Your gaze never left the essay in front of him, refusing to see the pity that his stare held. Because that - that glint in his eyes, the way the right corner of his mouth lifted in a poor attempt of a smile - that was pity. 

You shook your head softly. How did it get here? 

"Am I not allowed to know? He won't speak to me or look at me. I almost feel guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong." 

"James is…"

"A fool." 

You knew he was trying not to smile. "Yes, that is the obvious answer. But he is still with Lily." 

Of course he is. What he said that day - or rather what he smelt - has been the talk of the school for weeks. People were staring at you in the halls, pointing behind your back - so much that you stopped hanging out anywhere else besides your dorm and the library. 

And James - he never bothered to say anything to you. It hurt more than you expected to, but you didn't let it show. I am fine, you said every time one of your friends asked. Then, you would smile kindly and change the subject. You would see them exchange worried glances - you pretended you didn't notice. Soon they stopped asking, and you stopped pretending. 

"Do they love each other?" Something in your pathetic heart broke at the quiver in your voice. Love.

Love. Never in your life have you heard a more overrated word. So much loss, so much damage made for love. Was it really worth it? The way your stomach dropped and the slight tremble of your lip, the ache that would just not go away - were these the cost of love? 

You lifted your head, meeting his gaze. He watched you in awe - as if he read the truth in your eyes. You felt the tears roll on your cheeks, hitting the parchments sprawled on your desk. You let them fall. He opened his mouth, then closed it. 

"I understand." you whispered. 

You got up, but Remus caught your hand. 

"Do you…?" 

You smiled softly. "Does it matter anymore?" 

He let go of your hand and you walked away. 

×××

"Hogsmeade, today?" Sirius asked as he plopped down next to you. He took a big bite of your sandwich - and noticing your icy glare, he put his hand over your shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You pushed him off you and wiped your face. 

"Bloody hell! You even kiss like a dog!" you retorted. 

"No, I don't." 

"No, he doesn't." Marlene smirked and you rolled your eyes. 

"Hogsmeade, you were saying?" 

"Yes - Remus and Lily are busy with their important top-secret prefect duties and James has quidditch practice, so it'll be just us. I guess you don't mind third-wheeling for a bit." 

"Can't wait!" you feigned excitement. 

×××

It was freezing, to say the least. You were glad you had two pairs of socks on, otherwise you might have had to postpone the trip and pay a visit to the hospital wing instead. 

"I don't sound like that!" Sirius whined, handing you and Marlene your butterbeer - you've decided to stop at The Three Broomsticks. 

"Of course you do, darling. And may I add that you look ravishing." you purred in your best impression of Sirius' voice. Then, you turned to Marlene and winked. "You are the most gorgeous person in here."

"Careful, that's not true." a voice caught your attention. No, no no no.

"Oi - Prongs, mate! Thought you had quidditch practice!" Sirius clapped him on the shoulder. 

"Got cancelled because of the snow. Hello." he nodded and smiled towards you and Marlene, then pulled a chair at the table. It was the first time he's talked to you in weeks. 

You didn't bother to answer. In fact, you didn't even look at him. The rest of your stay at the pub passed in a haze, with careless answers and quick nods. 

×××

Before you knew it, you were left on a bench with James, waiting for the others to "buy some quills from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop", as they were in big need of "quills" and "didn't have any left to write the Transfiguration essay we had due Wednesday". Oh, if only you had Transfiguration on Wednesdays! 

"So… how have you been?" James trailed off, rubbing his neck. Ah, so that's how he wanted to play this game.Too bad. 

"Why, James?" you ask, gazing at the shops in front of you. "Why did you ignore me? What happened that day?" 

He sighed. "I don't know. I- I made a mistake. You shouldn't have found out, not like that." 

"You have some guts, don't you?" you spat. 

"Excuse me?" You faced him. That face - the face you dreamt about, the one you kept telling yourself you hated - you missed that face, you missed him so much that you were glad you were sitting down, for you might as well have fallen to your knees. 

"Do you know how it is," you started, feeling the tears pooling in your eyes, "to feel so alone that you find yourself crying without a reason? Do you know how it feels to spend your nights wondering why you weren't enough - what you did to deserve this? Even if you did nothing wrong?"

"Do you know how it's like to watch the person you love drift away from you? To watch that person become a stranger? Do you know how it felt to know that you wouldn't even look at me?" You were now shouting. "Tell me, James! Look me in the eyes and tell me!" 

Silence. You watched him trying to find an answer and you silently begged him to say something. 

"Do you love me?" he whispered incredulously. Not that. 

"Would it change anything if I said I do?" 

"I don't know."

"Do you still love her?" You couldn't say her name. 

"I don't know." He let his head fall in his hands. For the first time in weeks, you laughed. You laughed until your vision went blurry, until you felt the salty taste of your tears. 

"You know nothing, James Potter." you sneered, then got up. 

You made your way back to the castle alone. 

×××

"Guys guys I have the most amazing idea." Sirius came rushing in the Great Hall, managing to trip and almost fall. He quickly regained his composure and continued running as if nothing had happened. 

"That's new." Remus said while reading the prophet. 

It's been weeks since that night in Hogsmeade, weeks in which you've avoided James at all costs, despite his numerous attempts at conversation. 

"I'll choose to ignore that." Sirius glared at his friend, then continued. "Don't you all want to go for a dip?" 

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that I do not intend to die in the freezing lake on a lovely day of winter." You scowl, munching on your pastries. You loved pastries. (mood) 

Sirius smirked. "I'm glad you are all so joyous so early in the morning, but for your knowledge, I wasn't talking about the lake. My dear, smartass friends, I was thinking of crashing the Prefects bathroom!" 

That got your attention. You looked at Remus full of hope and he shrugged. 

"And how exactly are we going to do that? "

"Well, this is where our prefect friends come in handy."

"Lily would never help you do this." James cuts in. 

"That's why I wasn't planning on inviting her." Much to your surprise James didn't object. "You forgot about our other prefect friend - and I'm looking at you, Moony." 

You all looked at Remus who seemed a tad bit uncomfortable. "I guess - alright? But if anyone catches us, it's your fault." he pointed his finger at Sirius. 

"I solemnly swear." He put his hand over his heart, then winked. 

×××

"Looks like your plan to ignore James isn't gonna last." Marlene said while stuffing all the towels she could find in her bag. 

"I'm aware of that." You really were. You've mentally prepared yourself to spend the night in the same room with him for the past week. "Ready? The boys are waiting." 

"Yeah, let's go." You were to go to the bathroom in groups of three using the cloak, then spend the night there. 

"Alright," Sirius' head popped from under the cloak "we'll go together - Remus, James and Peter are already there. Come on." he whispered. 

You got to the bathroom in no time and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach. You felt pathetic - you were all going to hang out as friends. 

Marlene's hand squeezed yours - everything will be alright. It was your thing; back in the day, you used to do this every time the other would be anxious about something. You looked at her and smiled, squeezing back twice - I know. 

You entered and your mouth flew open.  You've never seen a more luxurious bathroom before. The "bathtub" was easily the size of a medium sized pool. Greek caryatids held the archways, and the stained glass windows reflected their patterns on the marble floor tiles. 

"I suddenly feel bad for not working harder to be a prefect - if I had known this would be my bathroom, I would've gladly learnt the entire History of Magic coursebook by heart" Marlene said, with a small pout on her face and her arms crossed. 

"Same here." Your gaze followed the sculptures on the ceiling and slowly fell on him. He looked angelic - the way the coloured moonlight caressed his face, the faint blush on his cheeks - made him part of the setting. 

There was no point in lying to yourself. You liked him, despite everything he's done, everything he's said, you continued to like him. All those comforting lies you've said were trying to cover the inevitable truth, the truth which had been well hidden somewhere deep inside your soul. Until now. 

You stripped out of your clothes, fully aware of his impertinent stare. You stepped into the pool, sighing in pleasure at the warmth of the water. 

"Wanna play anything?" you asked no one in particular. 

"Oh, we should play shoulder wars!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

"I think I'm gonna skip this!" Peter announced from his chair. 

You looked at James, then turned to Remus. You rose your eyebrows inquisitively, and he smiled kindly. 

"I guess imma skip this one as well." James said, slightly disappointed. 

"Come on, Marls, we gotta kick some ass."

And so did the games begin. 

×××

You were trying, and failing miserably to keep your balance on Remus' shoulders. 

"Haha- losers!" Marlene laughed. It was your sixth time losing.

"Y/N, I think I'll give up now, before this becomes too humiliating." Remus said while getting out of the water and pulling out his book. 

"No Remus, you can't give up now! I know we can do this!" you saw him sit comfortably in an armchair, and something clicked into your mind. "You ditch me to read? And sabotaged me? Remus John Lupin, I'm disappointed."

"Take Prongs instead, he's far more competitive than I am." he smiled innocently. So this was his plan. 

You turned to James, and he got up excitedly. You got on his shoulders, and his hands tentatively touched your legs. You saw Marlene and Sirius smirking and you glared at them. 

×××

The score was close. It was the match point. Marlene was desperately trying to push you when you came up with the winning idea. You splashed some water into her face, obstructing her vision. Then, you tickled her and she fell. 

"And that's how it's done!" you shout, raising your fist. Marlene's head appeared from under the water, clearly mad. 

"That was not fair!" 

"There's no such thing as fair!" Marlene smirked, as if she was saying oh, really? and pushed James with such brute strength that he fell, taking you with him. 

He caught you before your head could hit the bottom. He lifted you up bridal style and you put your left hand around his neck and moved the other one from your nose to his shoulder. You stayed in his arms, not wanting to let go. You were gazing into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, when it hit you. 

You loved him. 

And he was still with Lily. 

You pulled away from his embrace, breaking the stare. "It's not right - Lily…" you mutter, getting out of the water. 

The others seemed all deeply interested in Remus' book. You could even hear Sirius asking questions about the plot. You turned away; James was still in the pool, in the same place, trying to make out the meaning of what happened. 

It wasn't fair. 

Life wasn't fair. 

<3

stay tuned for the next part and lmk what you think❤️

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