#our parents & the one time i say smthng abt myself...... it's not abt me it's not abt comforting me it's abt how it could possibly

[sweatermuppet]

i made a negative comment about my body in front of my ma recently & immediately she went "well how do you think that's going to impact your brother?" (who was in the room) & like. my entire life ive heard my ma say "oh please no pictures of me, i hate how i look." + "i can't wear shorts, i hate my legs" + "look at this stomach, I'll never get rid of it." & grew up being told i look so much like her, not just in the face, but my entire body so essentially "you look just like a woman who hates how she looks, but don't worry, you look fine." + when i was on T my fat changed from being mostly on my thighs + hips to being on my stomach which is very much how my grandpa was shaped & ma is always saying "he would have been much happier if he lost weight" like im just soooo 🧍🏻‍♂️

[wenzhousoulmates]

okay since my mom wont stop replying with “you know she was suffering so its better this way” and just not acknowledging that im unable to do anything besides be online the whole day, i’m gonna rant here about the last 3 days:

my grandma passed away on 10th feb at around 1 am. i saw her last in the hospital just 3 hours before, and that was the most dramatic moment of my life, it was straight out of a movie and i will never forget it. like she was in the ICU and they send in one person at a time, so my dad sent me in with a sad face n when i saw my grandma,,i was devastated. she looked horrible, they were injecting something in her arms atm and her eyes were fluttering in pain, it was fucking awful, her arms were all blue, being subjected to hundreds of blood tests in the last 10 days. she was without her fake set of teeth, so her mouth just hung n it was the worst sight i ever saw. her eyes were half open n i think she saw me. but then all the machines around her were blaring up and going peep peep and it was scaring the heck out of me. the doctor looked at me worriedly and told me not to send anyone in after this. i just walked away crying like fuck, and that was the last time i saw her alive. at 1:14 am we got the call. so i went with my dad to the hospital (i had to fight for going they weren't letting me go). and well i’ll skip the rest until the moment we were in our hometown where they were taking her for cremation (its a Hindu tradition to take the woman’s body to the house where she first came as a married woman). 10th feb was surreal. the amount of relatives there in our hometown who came for this thing, the whole fucking day was fucking surreal and a nightmare. it was all the emotional drain that can ever take place in one day. 

haha and guess what? my bday is on 19th feb. im gonna be 18 n i ALWAYS dreamt of this day. and no, im just not thinking abt my bday when i say this but everything’s ruined. everything. i have my board exams for class 12th starting from march 9. and i havent opened my books since 10th feb. like i cannot sit and study// i just cannot. the moment i come online, everything’s okay. i read johnlock headcanons and see cute fanart and i feel better. as soon as i open my textbook for studying its like everything comes rushing in, every memory related to her. how i saw her dead body for the last time. honestly it just felt as if she;s sleeping very soundly. 

why this is fucking me up is bcoz she actually lived with me since i was born. she has not lived with my other uncle’s or aunties’ families for as along as she has lived with ours. thats because she frequently got ill, and since my parents are docs, they could help her if smthng very serious came up. so none of my cousins were as affected by this as my family was. literally they didnt give a shit abt her. since she is not at home anymore, and now its one less person in the family, like literally and physically one less person. its so fuckig weird to be in th ehouse. its so quiet and different. i think she was the one who kept chattering all day. like fuck, the house has literally lost its soul. 

IF ONLY I COULD MAKE MYSELF STUDY AND STOP MYSELF FROM WATCHING TV SHOWS TO DISTRACT MYSELF AND ONLY IF COULD STOP THINKING ABT THIS AND FUCKING STUDY FOR A SECOND. AS IF I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH DISTRACTIONS TO KEEP UP WITH