#park-jaybum writes

[namjoonsteeth]

Pillow Talk- Jay Park One Shot

Jay Park x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1500

Summary: A cute late night conversation with Jay before bed:)

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His body drips on mine like wax. Slow and wet, when his teeth find my skin I’m filled with heat. My body withers beneath him, pressing my scent into each thread of his sheets, so that even when I leave it’ll be hard for him to get rid of me. 

I like to drop traces of myself around his apartment. It’s the curled strands of hair he’ll find in combs, my panties that he finds mixed in with his own laundry, and the smell of me in his bed. He likes to think that he’s so skilled with getting me to come over. I let him think that it’s in his smile or the way he calls me pretty or how he fucks me until I can’t see straight. But I swear it’s my little reminders. He finds a book I left on his bed stand and calls me, finds a bracelet, an earring, and my name is on his lips almost immediately. 

“I love you more than I should allow myself to,” he tells me one night. His fingers move across my torso, touching whatever he can, without rush or urgency. 

“Huh?” I can barely move. I’d rush to him when he called, regardless of the fact that I was already exhausted. 

“More than you should allow me to, too,” 

I wish I could see his face, but I’m too tired to turn over. Instead, I pull his arms tighter around my body, and try to fall asleep to the hum of his breath. It’s pertinent that I go to sleep first because once he starts snoring it becomes almost impossible. 

“Sleep,” I mumble, just barely moving my head to kiss his shoulder. “Talk tomorrow,”

He laughs and bends to kiss my mouth, his lips soft on mine. When he pulls back I reach out to hold him against me. 

“Let’s just fall asleep like this,” I smile. 

“You want us to turn into those people?” Jay asks laughing as I twist in his arms to kiss him again. My lips move over his jaw, his nose, his cheeks and eyes. Sometimes it feels like I can’t get close enough to him. Sometimes I want him under my skin, in my hair and under my nails. So close that we can’t tell where either of us ends. 

“What did you mean before?” I ask him. My hands running up his back. 

“Oh, you’re awake now?” His eye brow lifts cutely as his smoothes my hair away from both of our eyes. 

“Only enough for you to f—,”

He cuts me off, with his mouth. His hand slaps my ass hard enough that I jerk forward, pressing again him. 

“Watch your mouth—,”

“Where do you want it?” I smile up at him. His long eyelashes blink slowly, moving all over my face before he laughs. 

“What to do with you? Huh? I feel like you get dirtier every time I see you,”

“Who’s fault is that? You’d be obsessed with fucking you too if you were me,”

Jay tilts his head, his eyes narrowing on me. “What a weird, intrusive thought you just forced me to have,”

I shrug and press myself closer to him. My arm wraps around his body tightly. I’m not sure how long time and everything around us will allow me to stay close to him but I know I’m not letting go until I’m forced to. Jay holds me tightly, his arms engulfing be until his body heat becomes my body heat. I sometimes wonder how I could ever fall asleep without this. Then I wonder what it would be like to have this everyday. I don’t think I’d ever get out of bed if this was my every day and night.

“When we get married, do you think we’ll be this obsessed with each other?” He asks, around a yawn, “Or is this still what they call the honeymoon stage?” 

“When we get married?” I laugh drawing back with a small frown. As if he expects it, Jay’s thumb is there in an instant to smooth down the wrinkled skin. “Who says we’re getting married,”

“Of course, we will,” he assures tiredly and closes his eyes. 

“I don’t believe in the concept of marriage,” I tell him. “We can just be one of those dope couples who’s been together forever and start wearing matching clothes for Instagram when we’re like fifty,”

“What concept of marriage? It’s going to be whatever we want it to be. We make our own concept,” 

It’s Jay’s turn to frown. Instead of pushing his own wrinkles away, I kiss his closed eyelids. His nose scrunches cutely. I never thought that I would be this person: disgustingly saccharine and completely devoted. I wasn’t joking when I said marriage wasn’t for me, but Jay is and if it what he wants, I will too. 

“Is that you proposing?” I laugh. 

He sighs and wraps himself tightly around me. His legs drape over mine and pull me in, his hands press deep into my skin. 

“I propose to you every time I tell you that I love you. Every time I kiss you, whenever I’m inside of you; I thought I made it clear that you’re stuck with me,”

He makes me blush. My cheeks feel hot and my body even hotter. With his skin on mine and no escape from how soft and malleable he’s made my heart, I can’t think of anything else other than kissing him. 

He kisses me back, his lips moving  lazily  against mine like he’s too tired to not make it sloppy. His mouth moves all over me, tasting my lips until he’s got his fill, before moving onto my jaw line and then my neck. 

Hands ease me over gently, so that his body can hover over mine. We’ve had sex too many times to count until now. And as always, this is my favorite type and place. In his bed, stripped of anything but us. I’m not focused on trying to make it good for me, and he doesn’t care about making me come apart so many times that I’m dizzy. 

Our bodies just need to be together. As necessary as drinking a glass of water before bed or stretching or saying prayers or counting sheep to sleep, my body takes him in and eases any tension it has pent up. I want to close my eyes, and just feel him but it’s equally important to see him too. 

“I love you,” he says, and for the first time I realize that I’ve always taken that fact as a proposal. It’s a statement of devotion, a verbal contract of loyalty, faithfulness, dedication, and everything in between. He belongs to me and in the same millisecond of breath I belong to him. 

“I love you, too,” I tell him. Looking up at him, it’s not like I’m having an enlightenment or revelation it’s more of a reminder of something I knew already. 

He moves slowly, pulling my legs high on his waist and holding my hands high above my head. I feel open and on display. His eyes tell me, I love you when there’s nothing between us but skin. I love you when my body is tired and my mind searches you out. I love you when I can barely stand on my feet but all I see is you. From the tip of my fingers where your’s lace down to my tip toes, I love you. 

He kisses me then as if feeling how sensitive I am right now. While his hips rock against me, I move with him, trying to get him to seep deep under my skin. When he holds me still beneath him and buries his nose in my hair, I fall apart calling his name. And when he falls with me we stay close together still until it’s absolutely necessary. We’re a mess. We should get up. We should do so much other than just lie there mixed in each other but we don’t. 

“Once we‘re married, I want to buy a cottage and live in the forest,” I sigh. My fingers move in his hair as his chin face presses against my chest. “And one baby,”

“One baby,” he laughs. “Anything else? I want to make sure I get it down perfectly,”

“Hmmm,” I think, yawning. My eyes close. “Cottage, child, and maybe a studio in the back yard so you can keep writing songs about me,”

“Cottage, child, studio. I’ll make it happen,” He presses a single kiss against my skin. 

“What about you?”

“I want whatever you want. I’m too tired to make any more demands,” 

I smile to myself, hearing his breath start to even out. I fall asleep like that, thinking about how perfect it all sounds. How even if none of it comes true, I’ll take whatever he gives me. 

To be in love, and to be loved. I think that’ll always be enough. 

[lady-une]

400 followers and 1yr 🎉

Wow what can a girl say. When I first started off with my tumblr I had to actually go through and delete all my shit posts and start off fresh. The whole reason I started my blog was because of Bigbang. I was on the hunt for all the content I could get my hands on and leave it to tumblr to be the gold mine of it. Over the past year I started to write again, it’s still not nearly as good as some of the writers on here but I am working on it. I love sharing my work with people and writing for me is a way to work through my emotions and every day issues I come across. When I’m working on a story I usually put on some music and lay back, I have my eyes closed and I let the story play out for me. Some days the ideas just come right out of me and some days it’s not as easy. The only thing I wish I could change would be the response I get from people or lack there of. My goal for my writing is to one day have it be so good that people go to my asks wanting to know about an update or to vent about how the latest chapter made them feel. The day I reach that will be the happiest day for me.

Other then writing I have actually made some pretty good friends on here. @obiwon-shenobi is always there for me when I’m having problems and need a person to vent to. She never judges and only showers me with encouragement. Then you have @park-jaybum who I can always count on fangirling over jay park with. @minvogue is the hoe friend we strive to be like lol, I wish my life was half as adventurous as yours is. The group chat keeps me going and it’s always a place of good laughs and cursed images.

Tumblr peeps you have made the last year so much more bearable. The constant flow of crazy pics, links to videos and performances, and memes have kept me from losing my shit. As some of you may know I’m a single mom to 4 crazy kids. My mini is my oldest and a fellow kpop stan, it’s nice to have someone in my every day life to listen to music with. My other 3 are all boys and sadly the older two boys are not into kpop and that’s fine. My youngest boy is always on board to following mom and the mini into a kpop dance party. It’s not easy raising 4 kids on your own and working full time. Tumblr, kpop, khh, and kdramas are my coping mechanisms, when I’m feeling overwhelmed and finding myself hitting a depression period I can always count on that stuff to help keep me from falling too far down.

I don’t really know what else to say other then to thank you to everyone who follows my blog and to my mutual. Some of you I might not always talk with but know the posts you make help put a smile on my face, so I hope mine do the same. To my mutuals who I do talk to @diinofayce @junghoeseokiemain @aomgworldwide @k-hiphopshit @tabislover @x-missmarvel-x @kpopwhynot @leyarren @soul-less23 @ssamdominic @shwaybum thanks for putting up with my crazy talks lol.

Just know my inbox/DMs is always open, if you feel like talking or want to request a story I’m always up for either one.

[jay-park-drabbles]

Do you know where I can request Jay park/gray Fanfiction

Hello! :) There are heaps of different writers that I reblog on my acc if you want to look! The writers that I can think of off the top of my head are:@randomjade@park-jaybum@lady-une@khh-writingsYou could always just request here & then I could post it for everyone to pick up & see!Hope that helps 💕

[k-dirty-pop]

92 truths

I was tagged by @jack-the-slicer heart eyes motherfucker

Rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

Last

Drink:

Water. Your girl is trying to be hydrated but it sucks and i hate it

Phone call:

Technically my mom but she didn’t pick up when I called so my dad

Text message:

My friend Gabby

Song you listened to:

Lololol It’s Me (Pick Me) from Produce 101

Time you cried:

Yesterday haha. I was watching Produce 101 and the boys were talking about their parents and how much they loved and supported them and started thinking about my own parents and started bawling lolol

Have You Ever

Dated someone twice: Would never. We broke up for a reason. As Edna Mode says, “never look back darling” Been cheated on: Nah Kissed someone and regretted it: YIS Lost someone special: Yes Been drepressed: Hello darkness my old friend... Been drunk and thrown up: Sorta?? I’ve never really thrown up because I was drinking but i have been heavily intoxicated and in the moment been like ‘i need to get this out of my system NOW’ and have intentionally forced myself to throw up. Sorry for the TMI lol

In This Past Year Have You

Made a new friend: Si Fallen out of love: No because I wasn’t in love in the past year Laughed until you cried: i have pretty funny friends so this is a constant mood Met someone who changed your life: Yes Found out who your true friends are: No because they’ve been around for longer than that Found out someone was talking about you: no

General

Do you have any pets: No and i shed a singular tear about it every tuesday at 2:45 in the afternoon Do you want to change your name: Nah What time did you wake up this morning: 9:30 What were you doing last night: Watching different videos before deciding to agressively clean my apartment at 3 AM Name something you cannot wait for: My move to LA  Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Yep What’s getting on your nerves: My inability to focus  Blood type:*Mariah Carey gif* I don’t know her Nickname: Lennie is the main one. Others include Leenie-Leen and Smurf   Relationship: Single Zodiac sign: Gemini Pronouns:She/Her Favorite show: Boy Meets World College: I graduated from Virginia Commonwealth University Hair color: Jet Black Do you have a crush on someone?: who has the stamina for that What do you like about yourself?: That I’m kind and I always try to do the right thing

Firsts

First surgery: Nope First piercings: My Ears. I came out the womb and my parents were like “pierce her. we gotta establish her dominance as a badass and we gotta do it now” First sport you joined: soccer. I was...as the youth say...not motivated or good haha. My parents love to tell the story of how at my first game i literally roped other kids into sitting down on the grass and having a conversation and had to be forced back on the field to play. My parents quickly gave up on me and sports after that hahaha  First vacation: I was five and we went to some theme park. We have pictures somewhere  First pair of sneakers: people know this???

Right Now

Eating: kitchen’s too far from my bed and i’m not getting up  Drinking: Water I’m about to: scroll tumblr more probably Listening to: some murder documentary on Netflix Want kids: I want five of them assholes. Just not now.  Get married: I’m not taking care of those five assholes by myself Career: YEEEEEEET

Which Is Better

Lips or eyes: Eyes Hugs or kisses: Both. Both is good Shorter or taller: different heights for different peeps Older or younger: Older Romantic or spontaneous: Yes/And

Have You Ever

Kissed a stranger: Many times. The limit does not exist Drank hard liquor: I am a hardcore vodka aunt I only know hard liquor  Lost contacts/glasses: I have neither of these but i definitely know that i need to get my eyes checked and the next time i do they’re gonna tell me to get glasses Sex on the first date: No Broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so. Definitely not intentionally if i have Been arrested: No. The year is still young though.  Turned someone down: Yes Fallen for a friend: are you kidding me? That shit is my bread and butter I am a walking/breathing trope 

Do You Believe In

In yourself: Everyday is a battle to and I win it about 86 percent of the time Miracles: yes and no. I’m not really sure how to explain it though Love at first sight: Completely

Tagged: @moodybitchtm @neverevergonnaletyougo @mrs-jung-hoseoks-wife @poc7 @different-or-weird @velvethoseok @nigga-noona @park-jaybum @thequeenofalljokers @baselineist @2sung @kbdarling

[namjoonsteeth]

A Christmas Surprise - Jay Park one shot

Jay Park x Reader

Genre: Christmas Fluff

Word Count: 2.1k

One thing about my husband that is still taking some getting used to is his habit of waking up earlier than any normal person. Unfortunately, Christmas isn’t an exception, it’s an excuse for Jay. 

“We should get up,” he says, shifting his weight like he’s going to get out of bed.

 I tighten my arms around him, holding his body against mine. Of course, I’m not actually making a difference. If he wanted to slip out of bed, he could easily do it. He settles back against me as I press my face into his neck. 

“Let’s wait until he wakes up. I’m tired,” My eyes squint against the bright Christmas lights coming from the tree in the corner of our room before I bury my face back into his skin. It’s a miracle I got to sleep last night, or every night this week, since Jay decided we needed a tree in our bedroom this year as well. 

“It’s Christmas, though,” I can hear the pout of his lips. That’s one of my favorite things about him. Usually it would work on me, but considering we were up late last night having our own celebration, I’m partial to staying in bed until our son forces me to get up.

 “It’s too early, Jay. I feel like we just got to bed,” I stretch my legs out, hooking one around his hip to remind him just how we spent the night. As if he could forget, we didn’t bother putting any clothes on afterward.

 “What if the kid and I get up and make you breakfast and then we open gifts,”

“We wrote no cooking into the marriage contract. Don’t touch my kitchen,” I tell him, a little agitated that he’s not going to let me go back to sleep. 

“Marriage contract,” he scoffs.

 “Vows. I take them very seriously. We agreed you don’t give me food poisoning more than twice and you don’t wake me up,”

“You got food poisoning once and it wasn’t really my fault,” he protests cutely. I don’t care. I’m not actually trying to be cute, he’s really not allowed to cook me any food after the great raw fish debacle of 2016. 

“Do you really want to break your vows so early into this union?” I question seriously.

 Jay blows a large breath between his lips, his mouth slapping together. You would think that he’s super excited to open his own Christmas gifts, but in reality it has to do with his son. With Miles turning four, this year we’re sure he’s a little more into the Christmas spirit than prior years. Jay’s excited for his baby’s excitement which is too cute. Still, it’s six o’clock in the morning. And as much as our son takes after his father, he hates being woken up just like his mother. 

“Give us an hour,” I try to appeal, kissing his skin.

 “Okay,” he sighs, relenting. His arms tighten around me, pulling me flush against his body. It’s not like I can go back to sleep with his antsy moving and Christmas lights blinding me, instead I try to enjoy the first hours of Christmas with him. The Holiday’s are always stressful. With him trying to squeeze as many shows as possible before the new year and me trying to get everything at home situated with enough Christmas spirit as he likes, it always feels like a race against time. This year had Jay even more stressed out. He wanted everything to be perfect for Miles.

 “The sooner we open gifts, the sooner you can go back to sleep,” He bargains.

 I take the bait knowing that he’s going to keep at it until I finally agree to get up anyway. Sighing I reach up to playfully tug at his ear. “You’re waking him up,”

“He hates when I wake him up,” Jay protests.

 “Well it’s your call because he’s worse than I am in the morning,”

Miles was always a good baby. He’d slept through the night early, never went through a toddler tantrum phase, and when he plays he’s extremely aware of his surroundings. But wake him up before he’s ready to get up, and it’s like he turns into a demon child. I get it. I’m the same way, but it’s a little inconvenient sometimes. Today, at six in the morning, Jay deserves what ever fury rains down on him.  

Jay leaves first, making his way into Mile’s room. I sit up too, reaching for the T-shirt and shorts I’d slung over the headboard last night. I’m just pulling my shorts on and slipping my feet into slippers when Jay comes back in with our sleep son in his arms. Miles is a small four year old. With his arms wrapped tightly around his fathers neck, and his legs around his waist; he looks like my baby again. Not the hyperactive independent kid he’s growing to be. I peak over Jay’s shoulder, seeing Mikes still has his eyes squeezed shut tightly, resisting any hint of awareness until the very last moment. His dark hair curls around his ears and falls over his forehead. When he sees me peeking at him, he presses his face into Jay’s neck and sighs.

 “You’re both extremely overdramatic,” Jay tells me.

 I laugh as I follow them out to the living room. Jay sets Miles on the floor and pulls out a box for him. “It’s present time,” he tries to appeal to his son with shiny wrapping paper. Miles finally bites and starts opening his gifts, eventually betraying me and not caring that the sun isn’t even up yet. Mama’s boy my ass. When he’s opened all of his smaller things, Jay pulls out the bigger box from the closet. Miles’s eyes light up cutely as he sees the miniature version of his dad’s car. I watch the two of them fawn over the toy as a round of nerves hits my stomach. Jay and I don’t really do Christmas gifts. We both want for nothing and usually just give each other what we want when we feel like it through out the year. It leaves coming up with something every year out, and lets us focus on Miles and work. 

This year, I’d prepared something. When Jay sits on the sofa and watches our son play with his toys, it feels like a good time. I reach under the tree and pull out the tiny box I’d wrapped a week ago now. Jay frowns as I hand him the gift, understandably confused.

“What’s this?”

“Just open it,” I say, prodding his knee with my elbow. I pull my lip between my teeth as I watch him remove the lid and pull out the tiny black and white picture. He holds it in his fingers, staring at every detail before his dark eyes flick down to me. 

“You’re kidding?” He says breathlessly. I can see him doing the pointless math in his head. When people have as much sex as we do, multiple mistakes happen. With us, it’s almost inevitable. The only reason I was able to pinpoint the when was after I’d gotten the ultrasound. 

“Not a joke, baby,” I say softly.

 “When?” Jay scratches at the back of his head, looking more confused.

 “You don’t remember how much you loved my Halloween costume?” I raise my eyebrows at him hoping I don’t have to jog his memory beyond that.

 “You’re kidding?” He repeats looking down at the box in his lap. My stomach rolls again with nerves. I can’t read him. It’s hard to gauge if he’s happy about the news or not. His eyes go to my belly, which is just barely showing. I’ve always had more of a naturally full figure, it would be easy to miss that there was a little bean in my stomach.

 “I thought I was just feeding you well for the last few weeks,” he says seriously.

 “You haven’t been home for the last few weeks,” I point out. “I’m pregnant, Jay,” I place my hand on my stomach tenderly, moving to sit beside him on the sofa. 

When our son was born we were prepared. We’d done it the way we wanted. We got married, spent two years with him on the road and me joining him whenever I could. Then, once we saw everything we wanted to see with just the two of us, when we’d started longing for a little one, we’d made the decision to have a baby. This one, the one that’s in my stomach, has no clue just how unplanned they are. The dichotomy is ridiculous. I’ve never known Jay to not have a plan. A new baby would be just the thing to throw him off. I can see his jaw ticking, not in anger, as he reworks the next year in his head. Jay isn’t the type to let me sit at home and do this on my own. 

“Are you happy?” I whisper, running my thumb over his high cheekbone.

 I’ve been nervous for a week now. Nervous to tell him that I thought I was pregnant, then nervous  to to tell him that I went to the doctor without him.  Finally, he reaches out for my hand. He pulls me onto his lap. His palm lays flat against my stomach, smoothing under the fabric of my T-shirt. When his skin touches mine, I finally relax. Of course, everything is ok. This is Jay. He’s got me, no matter what surprises pop up. 

“Can I be honest?” He says looking up at me. When I nod, his face cracks into a wide smile. “I wanted a new baby really badly,”

I look down at our son who has neglected his toys and put his head on the floor and is doing a dangerously looking b-boy spin surrounded by ripped wrapping paper. He’s his father’s child.

 “You think you can handle two of him? He’s more hyperactive than you are,”Jay smiles down at him. 

Suddenly, he lifts me up off his lap and smoothly transitions us both to sitting on the floor. “I think,” he starts, reaching out to playfully push the baby over which starts a war with our defensive and always ready to fight son. 

“I think, that me and you are meant to have as many kids as we can. As long as you’re comfortable with having them, I’ll always want more,”

My heart beats faster. I never had any doubt that we’d be ok. Maybe at this moment we aren’t mentally ready to have another baby, but with Jay’s fingers gentle tapping against my skin as he looks over at our son, it’s hard not to feel a spark of excitement in my chest. And he’s right. I feel it. Him and I are meant to expand our family as far and wide as we can. Suddenly Miles sits up, his head swaying clumsily like he’s dizzy from all the spinning. 

“Mommy, why did we get up so early. I’m still tired,” his tiny pink lips pout and he looks just like his father. 

Jay scoffs. “You guys would sleep the day away if I let you,”

I nudge him with my elbow, “Hey, I have pregnancy fatigue,”

“Is that your excuse, Y/n? So you’ve just had pregnancy fatigue for the duration of our whole relationship-,”

“Don’t attack me,” I smile, leaning in to press my lips against his. He kisses me back, holding my mouth against his with a hand on my chin. When he pulls back, he leans his forehead against mine. His lips pucker and touch my nose and forehead and cheek before he leans back against me. 

“Thank you for my Christmas gift,” he whispers. “I’m really fucking happy,”

“What do you think they are?” I ask him with a smirk.

 I’d asked him the same question four years ago when I told him I was pregnant with Miles. I knew I was having a boy. From the moment that I’d known I was pregnant, I knew that it was Miles. Jay on the other hand had been going back and forth before finally giving up on making a decision until the day Miles was born.

 “I think a girl,” he answers finally. 

“You sure?” I say looking down at my belly. 

He nods seriously. 

“I want her to look just like you, from your eyes to your smile. I think she’s going to be perfect,”

I look over at our perfect little boy who is bumping into the unlit fire place with his mini Bentley. He backs up a bit before lurching forward right into the edge of the marble. 

If it’s a child of Jay’s there’s no way that our baby can’t be absolutely flawless. 

[namjoonsteeth]

Baby Daddy Jay #1

Summary: You and Jay have twin babies...getting ready for a night out goes as expected.

Genre: Fluff

Pairing: Jay Park x Y/N

Word Count: 2k

Life was getting hectic. 

It was hard maintaining a relationship like ours under “normal” circumstances, but last year had given us more than either of us could have expected. Jay was backstage before a show when I’d called him hysterically crying to let him know that we’d somehow conceived not one but two mini versions of us. 

Everything happened fast; a little too fast. Within nine months, he’d packed me and my life up, swollen baby belly and all, and moved us to Seoul. It was hell. It was frustrating. It was one of the rough patches in our relationship; filled with guilt, resentment, and a bit of hormonal depression coming from both of us. 

Nine months passed both too slow and too quickly. I had to get used to being pregnant while assimilating to a new life in a new country. I couldn’t blame him for as much as my pregnant mind wanted to. I’d volunteered to move for him. I could work from anywhere, I really wanted to just be wherever he was, and I wanted to do everything to keep my relationship from falling apart. 

It was rough. We argued a lot. I cried a fucking lot. He left for a night, staying at his studio instead. It was a mess for a good portion of my pregnancy. But there was a lot of good too. Every other moment was filled with Jay babying me as well as the two babies in my stomach. Belly rubs, getting up at ungodly hours to fill my craving of both him and weird food, baby clothes shopping. It was great. And it wasn’t. It definitely wasn’t what I’d expected when I thought about being with Jay for our first couple of years. 

We didn’t have plans. That was just always how we were. We made no plans about the order and ways we would live with each other, we just did. We moved whenever we wanted, we went wherever we wanted, and relished in the fact that most couples our age wanted the freedoms we had. Our plan was to not have a plan. 

It settled down, though. We figured it out. Babies were weird. Tiny humans who can’t communicate the way most humans do. Tiny bodies who wake and sleep just to have your attention on them from the moment they lifted their head to the moment they shut their eyes. 

The first year and a half of their life was filled with just as many ups and downs as when they were in my stomach. But just like before we figured it out. We found a way to build our happiness around our little family. 

Now, life was getting hectic again. The twins were walking. 

“Babe, she’s in the damn toilet again,”

I sigh with my son on my hip. It took me exactly twelve minutes to chase him around our bedroom so I could fasten the other buckle of his overalls. Even now, he kicks his legs trying to get free. I look down at him, narrowing my eyes for him to relax. It does the exact opposite. His bottom lip pokes out in a tell-tale sign that he’s about to rage. I really don’t need him to rage right now. Not while Rei is making toilet soup. 

“Babeeeee-”

“Can you maybe grab her?”

“I’m in the shower, my dick is out,”

I roll my eyes up toward the ceiling asking the lord to give me any strength he wants to send my way. Miles is still kicking and screaming. I’m ready to jump down the laundry shoot. 

I walk into the bathroom to see Jay peeking his head around the fogged glass shower door. He’s useless sometimes. Useless and pretty. 

“Can you not say dirty words around the babies,”

“They don’t know what I’m saying,” he counters. His eyes go to Rei who just discovered her daddy in the shower. She holds her wet hands out reaching for him. 

“Miles took a poop the other day and screamed shit at the top of his lungs. Your children are smarter than you. Rei, that’s enough, come on,”

I reach down and pull my daughter onto my other hip. I'm not surprised when her wet hand slaps against my cheek as she starts her kicking. Her tantrum over shadows Miles’s and he’s honestly in awe as if he’s taking notes in his little head. 

“Not to put you on a timer, but you have five minutes. She needs a bath now and Miles is in a mood,”

Jay narrows his eyes at his son who has the nerve to look sorry. I need a nap. I’m sorry for teaching them how to walk. And my boyfriend is only helpful in oddly specific instances. 

“I’m done just take them out so I can get dressed,”

“I need to get dressed too, Jay,” I pout. “They won’t stay still and we’re running out of time,”

“I know, baby, I know. Three minutes and I’m out and all yours,”

I take both babies out of the bathroom and sit in the middle of our bathroom. It’s a struggle keeping Rei from touching Miles but I manage it for the three minutes it takes Jay to come out. I can’t even dwell on how good he looks for more than a second. 

“Nice jeans,” I mumble handing him his son. 

“It that what our relationship has come to? Quick empty compliments?” He jokes behind me. 

He leans against the door frame while I strip Rei down. I plug the bath up and fill it with warm water. Rei starts trying to climb the side of the bathtub. I’m too tired to tell her to get down. Instead, I lift her up and plop her down into the water much to her surprise. 

“No time to play, baby. You played enough in the toilet,” 

Like I’m talking to a wall, her hands slap against the surface of the water, her pretty brown eyes sparkling with mischief. She’s her father's child. Both kids test the limits and see how far they can push their parents’ boundaries. A trait that their father is directly responsible for. 

I look up at my boyfriend as he scolds Miles about trying to kick his way down. We both learned early on that Miles is a runner. Actually, he’s a kicker and a runner. If he’s not held tight enough, you better believe his little feet are kicking and going. 

“No, you’re not going,” Jay says squeezing his little baby cheeks between his thumb and index finger. I see the tantrum before it begins. Bottom lip poked out, feet winding back for movement. 

“Stop moving, kid,” he says as if trying to appeal to a rational side of our son. “Nothing’s even wrong with you. You’re acting out for no- OW SON OF A BITCH,”

I’m both offended and taken aback by his sudden outburst. Both babies look up at their daddy with their tiny mouths fixed in the shape of an ‘O’. 

“He kicked me in the balls,” Jay says like he’s ready to give up parental rights. “You put shoes on him and he kicked me in the balls. Take your son. I’m bathing Rei,”

“You called me a dirty name, Daddy,” I say rising off my spot on the bathroom floor. I grab Miles and Jay kisses my cheek as we exchange children. 

“I didn’t mean it, my dick hurts,” he whispers. 

I hand him a washcloth and body wash for Rei and leave to go try and shower myself. I hear Jay talking to Rei like she’s a princess as he squeezes bubble bath into the water. I do remember explicitly saying no playing. 

“Jay we have thirty minutes,” I remind him. 

“Go shower and mind your business,” he yells back. “My baby wants bubbles. I’m giving her bubbles,”

I roll my eyes and head to the other bathroom. I grab the walker sitting in the hallway and set it in the bathroom. I also grab the strawberry stars from the bedside table. 

“We don’t have time for you to run around Miles. I need you to be good for me and stay,”

I set him in the seat and pour out a bunch of stars. To his credit, he eats happily while I take one of the world’s quickest showers. I get out, wrap a towel around my waist and pick him up. 

When I get back to the bedroom, Jay has Rei dressed and they’re both lying on our bed. Rei sits on Jay’s chest her feet kicking at his chin. They’re both grinning happily. If he gets a busted lip it’s on him. 

I set Miles next to his sister on top of Jay and watch as they take turns torturing their father. Miles crawls up towards Jay’s head reaching for the headboard. 

“He’s going to stand up,” I warn. 

“I know he is,”

“He’s your baby,”

“I know he is. Miles please, you’re going to end my life one day,”

Miles has one foot on Jay’s throat and one on the bed. He takes turns shifting his weight from foot to foot. He really might kill his father. Oedipus complex at its finest. 

Rei watches her brother happily, slapping at Jay’s cheeks. They’re entertained. Thank God. I take advantage of the abuse and run to get dressed. Dresses are truly the Lord's creation. I slip a simple cotton dress over my head and slip into a pair of plain white sneakers. Hair and makeup become a non-issue with children. My hair gets wound into a bun and I’m done in about five minutes. 

“Are you alive, baby,” I ask, walking back into the bedroom. Jay’s on his phone with the babies. Three heads huddle together watching the flashing pictures on the screen. Rei has her thumb in her mouth and her other hand under the collar of Jay’s T-shirt. Even Miles is calm, his bottom lip between his teeth as he focuses on cartoons. 

They look so calm. I don’t even dare to tell Jay to take Rei’s thumb out of her mouth as usual. It’s hard to believe that they’re the same babies from earlier. All three of them are so cute. I want to climb in beside them but we also have to be out the door if we’re going to make it to dinner. 

“We should go out in the world and be people, right?” I ask pouting. 

Jay’s eyes meet mine. “We’ve been through...just so much tonight. We have to go,”

“They’re so peaceful,” I insist. 

“We’ll leave early,” Jay wagers. 

“Then what’s the point of even going. The babies don’t like being passed around the circles of our friends and look at Rei,”

I try appealing to his week spot. Jay carefully looks down at his daughter. She peeks up adorably at him from under her long eyelashes. Her face breaks into a heart-splitting grin that nearly knocks me down. 

“I’m in love,” Jay says to no one in particular. 

“I know. Rei knows. We all know how weak you are,”

“She loves me,” he grins. As if to punctuate his statement, Rei pulls her finger from her mouth and presses her lips against Jay’s cheek. Miles gets up and looks around, feeling left out, he presses his lips to the other side of Jay’s face. 

“Ok, we’re staying,”

“Text your friends,” I smile happily. 

“We do this every time,” he groans holding his babies against him. 

“We have a family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay in with our babies,”

“I know. Come up,” Jay says making room for me. I climb up beside him and Miles immediately reaches over for me. He lays his head against my chest, kicking at Jay when he moves to wrap his arm around me. 

“Why is he like this,” Jay says full of frustration. 

“Because you’re the same way. Both of you have annoying, possessive habits,”

“Protective,” Jay corrects while typing out a message on his phone. He presses a button to pair his phone to the tv and the four of us watch cartoons until we fall asleep.

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 5

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 5 of 7

Word-Count: 4.4k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

How do you miss someone who’s right next to you?

“Stay with me tonight,” 

Our trip to Paris ended a little after midnight, leaving me standing in front of Jay’s door an hour and a half later. This one request has so much sincerity that I don’t even think twice before I’m nodding. I miss him. I’ve missed him for two years. When we were arguing, fighting like hell, avoiding each other, I still longed for him. For the time when I just had to blink and his arms would be around me. 

His fingers twist in mine as he pulls me into his room. I’m not tired. I’ve been up and active all day, so I should be exhausted. I’m still too keyed up. It’s him. It’s the endorphins. It’s the feel of his mouth on mine at the Eiffel Tower while lights bounced off his skin onto mine. 

I’m so happy. In spite of all the things I told myself before coming to Italy under the rouse of bandaging my heart, I’m still so fucking happy. Even if it wasn’t Paris today, even if he hadn’t put so much thought into my favorite places, it would have all ended the same way. With me asking why I waited so long. 

“You’re in your head, Eden,” his hand reaches out to settle on the side of my neck. “Don’t regret anything, please,”

“I don’t. I’m here,” I remind him. I can’t run anymore. 

Whatever is meant to happen will happen. For so long we’ve been a book unclosed, left to be picked up whenever. But this is it, there’s nothing else written passed trip. If we’re together after Italy, that’s just the end of it. If not, that’s the end of it too. 

“I’ll get you some clothes,” he says while going over to his dresser. I lean against the wooden pole of the bed frame, twiddling my thumbs. 

“Sit, baby,” he looks at me from behind his shoulder. His slitted eyebrow rises in amusement. He thinks I’m nervous. I kind of am, but not like he’s thinking. 

Truly, I’m aching to see him naked. I want his body more than I want to hide away from him, but it’s still too soon. I feel it in my gut. There are too many questions unanswered. Too much guessing about what happens next. It would be too easy to say none of that matters if his body is on mine. I’m sure my mind would go sufficiently blank if he’d held himself against me, but the after...

“Take your shirt off, Jay,”

I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t think my brain has been in control of any of my decisions since I threw that handful of change into the fountain. It’s all heart now. 

He turns around to look at me. His arms cross over his chest. He looks smug like he doesn’t believe me. Like I’m bluffing. Fuck, if I am. His eyes move across my face like he’s search for a crack. He won’t find one. I’m dead serious. 

“You first,” he laughs out. 

I don’t waste time. I watch as his eyes take in my fingers unbuttoning the crisp powder blue button-up I’m wearing. His eyes widen with each inch of skin that’s revealed. 

“Fuck, Eden. What are you doing?”

He turns back to the dresser like he’s giving me privacy. It’s laughable. It’s the last thing I want right now. I want to reacquaint myself with his body. 

“You think I’m testing you,” I say taking a step toward him. 

“Are you drunk?”

“You’re ridiculous,” I laugh. When I’m behind him, I reach out to slide my hand under the fabric of his T-shirt. His back flexes and shivers as I touch him. 

“Eden,”

“Take your shirt off,” I repeat, pressing my mouth against his shoulder. “I’m one hundred percent sober and one hundred percent serious,”

He groans, it’s low in his chest as he spins to look at me. His hands go to my thighs, lifting me so that they wrap around his hips. His mouth glues to my neck, as he walks us toward his bed. My hands brush the top of his scalp, holding him against my body as my back hits the mattress. 

“Jay, I-,”

His lips eat up whatever I’m going to say. It’s erased as he kisses me like he’s been in a desert for 40 days and nights and I’m the first glass of water he’s had. The bulge in his zipper presses against my core and I’m ready for us to have no clothes on. 

Then he stops. 

Very suddenly. 

He pulls himself away from me and sits on the edge of his bed. I watch as his fingers scrub roughly at his scalp before he stands. His legs carry him across the room and back then back again. He’s pacing. Actual pacing, back and forth, hands on his hips. 

“Jay,” 

“Don’t talk, I’m trying to think about investments and contracts right now,”

His brows furrow and he continues to move. Rolling my eyes, I get up and wrap my arms around his waist to still his body. 

“Eden,” he protests and tries to get out of my grip. 

“I just wanted you to touch me,” 

“I know,” he says still gently pushing my arms away from him. “I know. And I want to. Way too fucking much. I want to keep you in this room until it’s time to go home. But,”

“But,” I raise my eyebrows. I’m disappointed. That’s really an understatement. I’m confused and very turned on. 

“You’re still figuring out your feelings. I want us to be solid before we,” He trails off. 

He can’t look at me. It’s cute. Really, it is. But it’s really fucking inconvenient. Jay is Jay. He likes sex. He likes to have lots of it. We have had lots of it. And from what I can remember, he thoroughly enjoyed having sex with me. 

“If I beg it won’t change your mind?”

“Please don’t,” he whines. “I feel like my dick is staging a mutiny right now,”

I laugh and lean my forehead against his chest. My heart is full. He’s right. Of course, he is. I just need to let my rampaged libido know. 

“Ok,” I sigh dramatically. “I’ll leave you alone. I’ll go figure my shit out in the shower,”

“Eden, dammit,” he curses. I watch as he snatches up a T-shirt and pair of shorts from his drawer and throws them in my arms. He grabs his own clothes and his toiletry bag and heads for the door. 

“Where are you going?” I roll my eyes. 

“I can’t be here while you’re doing that shit,” he says. “You’re really trying to end my life. I’m showering in Chase’s room,”

He leaves me without time to answer, the door slamming behind him. He’s ridiculous. He’s cute too. I feel like I’m floating. I’m giddy but not uncomfortable. I feel like we haven’t missed a beat in the last two years. This is the Jay that caught me. This is the Jay that still has me.  

When he peeks his head in, I’m showered and in his bed, scrolling through a list of locations for my shoot with Hoody. His eyes narrow on me when he sees I ditched the work out shorts for a pair of his boxer briefs that hide beneath the long T-shirt. 

“Why do you do this,” he deadpans, climbing in beside me. His hand runs up my right leg and settles on my thigh. 

“So you’re good to touch me now?” I tease. I set my phone to the side. I want to give him all my attention. 

“Boundaries and self-discipline, baby,”

“You’ve grown up so much,” I laugh. 

“I just-,” he pauses. He’s suddenly serious and I reach out to touch his jaw. “I don’t want to fuck this up with sex,”

I nod to myself. At least one of us can be rational. Even though I’m literally in heat with him this close to me, he’s right. Slow in all areas is what we need. 

“I get it,” I lean down to kiss him quickly. “You’re right,”

I try to draw back but he follows me. “But, as soon as we get settled. It’s over for that ass,”

I laugh loudly. “You literally ran away from me because you couldn’t get your dick in order. We’ll see who taps out first,”

He looks at me, his smile softening. I miss this look. This look isn’t a new one. I think that’s how I know. All of it, it was as real and pure and as intense as I thought. Now, I don’t just want him naked. I want him slow, moving with me as we remind each other that we could never belong to anyone else. 

“You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, Eden. I mean it, you know I do,” He reaches out to grab my fingers in his. 

“You’re so soft,” I whisper. 

“If it’s not you, it’s no one. I’m not saying that to guilt you into being with me. But I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t touch or see anyone else, Eden. Everything has always come back to you,”

I feel my throat clog with emotion. It’s everything I’ve wanted to hear for so long. I reach out and bring his face back to mine. I can’t imagine anyone else either. I don’t even want to think about the few relationships that couldn’t even get a fair chance. 

“Don’t cry,” he laughs softly. “Don’t cry,” his thumbs move under my eyes. 

“How can I not,” 

He pulls me into his arms and we lay in his bed looking at each other. I can’t go to sleep now. I want to look at him some more. I want to talk all night. I want to just be here. 

We talk for too long. We laugh at each other’s stories. Our hands find each other and every so often so do our lips. I don’t know how long passes before he switches off the light and pulls me against his chest. 

We’re quiet for a while. I press my back against his chest and just listen to him breathing. It’s weird. Maybe it’s not. When you’ve missed someone this much, nothing is too much. 

His limbs tangle in mine and it brings back so many memories. Younger, naive me; happy that a pretty boy had his hands on every part of my body. I understood famous people. They push you away as soon as they’ve had their fill. I was prepared for that. But Jay never pushed me away. He held tighter with each day that passed on that month-long tour that seemed to last forever, he held me tighter than I thought possible. 

“Do you think we went too fast back then?” I ask the darkness. 

I know he isn’t asleep. Even after so long I know his breathing patterns. He’s still awake, his fingers tracing right under the T-shirt he’d let me borrow. “It was fast,” he says. He shifts so that his mouth presses against the side of my neck. “But it was just as intense. We experienced everything that we would have if that month was stretched over a year,”

“How,”

“We spent every day together, and most of those days we were glued to each other for hours. Some couples see each other once every weekend. We had them beat,”

I think about that a lot. How everything seemed so rushed back then, and if that’s why it really went to shit. Did I have the right amount to build trust and all that other stuff a stable relationship is supposed to have?

“What are you thinking about?” Jay asks me. 

I shift, turning in his arms so that my chest presses against his. I feel so good right now. Like I’m finally in arms that are meant for me. Everything else between back then and now was useless filler. 

“We loved each other a lot, didn’t we?”

“An insane amount,” he agrees. 

“And you think we can get back there?” 

Jay’s mouth presses against my forehead. He pulls me closer to him. I’d be lying if I didn’t think I could be right here with him at the beginning of the week, but even know it seems far-fetched. Like we’re stretching something fragile to see how far we can go. 

“I love you, Eden,”

My pulse hammers against my temples. He’s said variations of it at different points in the week, but I’ve never heard him say it sober. I remember him drunk, on the phone, and telling me he loved me so much. That’s what made me let him in that night. He’d melted my heart with those four words just like he’s doing now. Only this time, it’s worse. He isn’t drunk, and I’m hanging off each word like it’s the only thing holding me afloat. 

“I love you,” he repeats. “I’ve tried to minimize all of this. I’ve tried to put you away in a box, but nothing worked. I can’t stop thinking about you,”

His hand comes up against the side of my neck, drawing me closer. His warm breath washes over my face as he closes in on my mouth. He parts my lips and kisses me deeper than I’m prepared for. Anticipation rolls deep in my belly but I have to force myself to behave. 

When he pulls back, I’m dazed and breathless. Still high off of Paris, I’m feeling especially weakened right now. I want to give him everything. Anything he could ask for at this moment already belongs to his; especially my body.

“Sleep, baby,” he says finally, smoothing my hair down. “We get more time,”

I close my eyes, not because I’m sleepy, but because I’m eager to see him again. I’m a lost cause. And I’m ok with that. 

Morning comes too quickly. I feel the loss of Jay’s arms like a cold air blowing directly against my body. I stretch and reach for him, upset that he left without waking me. When I open my eyes he’s sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“Morning,” I reach for the back of his T-shirt. 

“Your boyfriend has been calling non-stop for like twenty minutes,”

That’s not exactly what I expect as a response. 

Jay hands me my phone and moves around the room. His movements seem angry as he pulls work out clothes from his drawer and heads to the bathroom. I look at the flashing cellphone in my hand. A picture of me with my ex-boyfriend’s face pressed against my neck flashes up at me. 

“Shit,” I forgot to get rid of his contact picture. In my defense, I was a little worried about the extent of my interactions with Jay. It completely slipped my mind. 

“Hello?” I ask quietly. I need him to stop calling me. It feels wrong. It is wrong. Especially after I spent the night with Jay. 

“Eden, are you ok?”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I pause for a minute, unsure of what to say. “Did you need something?”

He sighs. “I’m just checking on you. Just wanted to make sure that you’re sure about everything,”

I run my hand through my hair. I know how Jay is. I know his temperament when it comes to things like this; which is fucking ironic all things considered. 

“I’m not, but in figuring it out. You can’t call me. Especially, not when-,”

“You’re with him?” He finishes. 

“I’m really sorry. I wish things could’ve been different,”

“You mean you wish you weren’t in love with him,”

Jay comes back out of the bathroom. The atmosphere is awkward and I hate it. I’ve had the best twenty-four hours of my life all because of the time we spent together. I don’t want it to end. Not today or even at the end of the trip. 

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just wish you didn’t get hurt because of me,”

“Well, I did. I am,”

Jay sits on the edge of the bed and starts to put his shoes on. 

“Listen, I appreciate you calling to make sure I’m ok, but I have to go. And you can’t call anymore, ok?”

“Bye, Eden,”

He hangs up. I’m waiting for Jay to say something but he doesn’t. He gets up to leave but I grab his arm, pulling him towards me again. 

“Is this a tantrum?” I ask. 

Jay rolls his eyes. “I’m going to work out,”

“You’re leaving mad,” 

“I’m not mad,”

I climb to get up on my knees and wrap my arms around his neck. I press my lips against his jaw, trailing down his neck. We haven’t been this intimate but now seems like the best time. 

“I broke up with him right before I came here. I knew I couldn’t go on a trip with you, feeling the way I do, and still be faithful to him. It’s not fair to him, but it would be worse if I didn’t end it,”

I kiss his neck again before climbing in his lap. “Also, you’re being a baby,”

His arms come around me so I don’t fall on the floor, but he still avoids my eyes. I reach out to squeeze his cheeks together between my fingers. 

“You can’t be mad,”

“I’m not mad at you,” he insists. 

I roll my eyes at him and drop my hands back in my lap. 

“Did you love him?” He asks suddenly. 

God. He’s really something. I pull away from him and stand up. I’m not going down this road with him. Especially when I didn’t do anything wrong. 

“Have a good work out, Jay,”

“Eden,”

I go over to his drawer and pull a pair of sweatpants out and step into them. He must see me muttering curse words under my breath because he gets up and makes his way over to me. 

“I’m not dealing with you, Jay,” I warn. 

“It’s just a question,” he says. 

“No, you’re digging and trying to make me feel bad. It’s not fair and I’m not explaining anything else to you,”

“Eden,” he calls again. 

I move around him, searching for my purse. His arms come around my waist and pull me against his chest. He’s so strong I don’t even bother trying to get away. 

“I’m wasn’t trying to make you feel bad,”

“Well, you did,”

He sighs and presses his face into my neck. I stand still unable to move. 

“I’m sorry,” he says finally. “I promise it’s not you. I’d never blame you for anything. I wish we could skip through all the bad stuff. I wish I didn’t fuck up so badly,”

My body sags against him. I get that feeling. Like trying to fast forward through the filler parts of a movie and trying to pause at the perfect time. It feels like we’re on fast forward at a risk of skipping the most important parts or getting to the end too fast. For us, the end of the week might as well be the end of the movie. There’s no guarantee of anything once we get on a plane in opposite directions. 

“Let’s not think about any of it anymore,” I whisper. 

His chin tucks in my neck as he leans against me. Arms around my waist tighten like he’s trying to anchor me against him. 

“Promise me that we’ll try to make everything work,” 

I reach up and run my fingers over his hair. It does get lost on me how crazy it is that I get to do this. That I can touch him again after two years of denying myself. 

“I’m here,” I tell him. I feel like that’s all I’ve been thinking and feeling for the last day and a half. 

I feel him shake his head. 

“That’s not what I mean, Eden. Not just this moment. I need to know that a week from now you’ll feel the same. I need to know that from here on out you’re mine again,”

My heart is beating too fast. If I could think about the one thing I’ve truly wanted for the last two years, it’s this. It’s these arms around me, holding me like nothing’s change like it’s the very first time. I can admit that I want it to work out so bad. 

“It’s always been you, Jay,” I turn in his arms and lay my ear against his chest. “No matter how many times I told myself that it would never happen with you, none of it mattered because part of me knew that you’d show up again. You’d find a way back under my skin, and I knew I wouldn’t fight you,”

I look up at him. He’s so familiar. For how little time we’ve spent together, I feel like I couldn’t possibly know his face better than I already do. I’ve kissed every inch, traced my fingers over every feature, memorized each eyelash until I lost count. This face, this man, he’s mine. 

“We’ll figure it out,” I tell him. “Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together,”

It’s not what he wants to hear, I know. It’s the ‘whatever happens’ part I’m sure. But right now it’s all I can give him. 

I don’t see Jay for the rest of the day. After he left to work out, I went to my own room. I had to push my embarrassment aside as I reintroduced myself to hoody. Thankfully she didn’t ask about the night before or why I wasn’t in our shared room. 

She waits for me to get showered and dressed before we head out for her shoot. I can’t focus. We get everything done an hour and a half after planned. I missed a lot of good shots because I can’t stop thinking about Jay. 

It’s not like he’s asking for too much. He doesn’t want to be left in limbo. I get it. And I’m there with him. There’s just a single piece left. Something holding me back that I can’t put my finger on. I don’t know why I can’t give him a solid yes. I don’t know why I can’t just *be*. 

I have dinner with Hoody to make up for being such bad company. We bond over being the only females that the AOMG guys are not allowed to touch. We laugh about how ridiculous the boys all are but how they’re really family. It’s good. It’s distracting. But it only lasts so long. 

I text Jay. 

Eden: I miss you. I’m really a pain in the ass, right?”

He responds immediately. 

Jay: I love you. Even the parts that keep me on hold

Eden: I’m sorry

Jay: don’t be. I’m not worried. 

Eden: you’re not. 

Jay: no, because there’s no other option for us. It’s me and you Eden. We’ll fall into place

Eden: you’re going to wait me out?

Jay: what do you think I’ve been doing for the last two years?

I pull my lip between my teeth as I think about him. Another message pops up before I can reply. 

Jay: two more years if I have to Eden. And two more years after that. And after that. However long it takes. 

Eden: I better figure my shit out quick then. You’re already old

He sends me a middle finger emoji followed by another message. 

Jay: Come see me tonight before bed

And of course, I go to him. He lets me in, a towel over his shoulder. His dark hair drips wet circles onto his grey T-shirt. I want him. This was a bad fucking idea. 

“I just came to say goodnight,” I say more to myself than him. 

“It’s for the best. You aren’t wearing a bra,” he says it so nonchalantly that I can’t help but laugh. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t trying to tempt him just a bit. 

“Goodnight, Eden,” it’s like he knows exactly where my thoughts are. 

“Good night, Jay,” I reach out my hand for him to shake. 

He laughs shaking his head. I like seeing him smile. I like being the reason that he does. I like all of this, really. Hopeless, hopeless, I’m hopeless. 

“I love you, Eden,” he smiles.“You haven’t said it back. I just want you to know it’s ok,”

He pushes my hair off my shoulder, his inked hands sliding down to grab mine. There’s butterflies in my stomach; big ones, in a large amount. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Part of me knows there’s no point in holding it back. There’s no point in pretending that this guy doesn’t own every single part of me. Still...

Just still. 

“I’m not going to force you, Eden,” he smiles. It’s a real one, not one of the forced smiles he’d give me when he was restraining himself. This smile is understanding; completely. He gets it. He gets that as much as I want him back in my life for an undisclosed, unlimited amount of time, it’s still a bit scary. 

And I love him more for it. 

“Whatever that’s holding you back, I’m ok with it. I’m not going to push you or try to force an answer out of you. If you need time to think about everything then I’ll leave you alone until you call me. However long it takes, I’ll come running,”

I nod at him, leaning against his door. I can’t stay here tonight. He knows it too. He steps a step back like he’s letting me decide when to leave. 

I stretch on my tip-toes and press my lips against his. His arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground.

“What are you smiling for?” He asks. 

“Because I get to kiss you again,” I sigh. “I get to think about you without feeling bad about it, I get to touch you without feeling like it’s only for tonight,”

His hands smooth my hair down and he cups my jaw with both hands. His thumb traces my bottom lip as he looks down at me. 

I better go before I think of more reasons why his room is better. Leaning up one last time, I wrap my arms around his neck and draw him close. 

“Good night, baby,” his breath fans across my face. 

“Good night,” I say kissing him. “Love you,”

We both freeze. 

Shit.

[namjoonsteeth]

Jay Park Birthday one-shot (2018)

Summary: Birthday one-shot for Jay Park 

Genre: Smut

Word-count: 4.4k

Parties do something to me. 

I don’t know what it is about being surrounded by so many other people that secretly turns me on so much. Maybe it’s the thrill of possibly getting caught. The secrecy of it all. Or maybe it’s just him. 

Jay has a way about him. Everybody knows just how charming he could be. But there’s something about when his eyes are on me, and he’s giving me that look that tells me all the things he wants to do to me, that brings my blood to a boil. I wore my hair down like he likes it. He hates when he can’t run his fingers through it or wrap his hands around it. His hair is up the way he’s been wearing it lately. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him that I haven’t gotten to play in his longer hair. 

I watch him too; wondering if he can see all the things I want to do to him too. He looks good tonight. The black slacks he’s wearing fits his hips sharply. The rolled up patterned button down shirt shows off the tattoos that line his arm. He has a button too many undone and the ink on his chest peeks out. I remember the last time I had my mouth on the swirling ink that makes its way beyond the collar of the shirt. 

I remember what his hands could do, what his mouth could do, his dick. All of him is burned into my brain. I swear I feel his fingers moving against my skin as he gestures wildly in the middle of whatever conversation he’s having. I’ve had enough of the distance between us. We’ve been on opposite sides of the room all night, moving around each other, building anticipation. I feel it low in my belly, a pull that feels like it’s tugging every part of my body toward him. He looks at me one last time, his tongue moves across his bottom lip slowly before he brings the glass to his mouth. His eyes never leave mine, even as he responds to the person talking to him. 

He likes it when I go to him. It’s what he’s been waiting for. And I owe him that much after the picture I sent him before I got dressed earlier. He didn’t respond but I know that he saw it. And he liked it. He wouldn’t be looking at me like he’s painting the image on my body. I make my excuses, leaving the company I’m in to make my way toward him. He watches as I move through the body of people, smiling and greeting people who stop me. It takes me entirely too long to finally stop in front of him. 

I’m first to break our eye contact, saying hi to everyone that surrounds him. I can still feel the heat of his eyes on me as I lean in greeting everyone one by one. I lean toward him last, allowing me to linger against him a little longer. His hand touches my hip lightly as I press my cheek against his. 

“Happy birthday, Jay,”His lips pull into a smirk as he watches me. 

I’m good at this game. I like this game. Pretending that I won’t have his dick in my mouth in less than twenty minutes. I like that we’re the only two that know. 

“Thank you,”I push my bottom lip out, rolling my eyes dramatically. “I left your gift at my place, though. I was in such a hurry tonight,”

“I can get it whenever you’re free,” 

God, I don’t think I can wait.

 If anyone else notices the sexual tension in the air between us, they don’t let on. More people move in to take his attention and just like that our interaction, for the time being, is done. I see him try to keep the conversations short so he can get back to me, but it’s his party for goodness sake. Everyone is here to see him. I shoot him a wave before turning to leave. He’ll follow. Somehow he’ll find a way to leave his own birthday party, and he’ll find me. 

I barely make it outside before a feel his hand on my waist. I smile to myself as his fingers slide down until he’s cupping my ass. 

“Car should be here in two minutes,” he says close to my ear. He feels warm. Hot. Like he’s my own personal hot pack pressed against my back.

 “Where’s your girlfriend?” I ask innocently. 

Years ago, I swore I hated girls like me. The ones who ruined relationships just because they could. The ones who threw away their morals for a pretty face. I couldn’t imagine that that’s what I’d become. Then I met Jay Park and there’s really no other explanation. 

He laughs. His hand slides down to grip my fingers. He always insists on intimacy. No matter how wild and fleeting each meeting between us is, it never truly feels like it.I look up at him, seeing him shake his head. 

“She didn’t like that picture you sent me earlier,”

I tilt my head. “What, is she not a fan of red lace?”

“You’re evil,” he says smiling. His hand comes up to touch my neck. His fingers tangle with the hair at the back of my scalp. 

“You could have told her that it was unsolicited,” I smile up at him.

 “Then,” his thumb pulls my bottom lip down. “She wouldn’t have broken up with me, and I wouldn’t be able to do this,”

His lips touch mine so softly that my legs almost give out entirely. His hand stays against my ass, holding me up. It’s been two months and three days since he last kissed me and I feel like I’m finally quenched. 

I knew Jay was a good kisser from the moment I laid eyes on him. He just has good lips. I can feel everything that he’s going to do to me in this kiss. All the things he wants me to do to him too. If I was anyone else, it would be overwhelming to be touched like this. But I’m not. I always thought that I was meant to fuck Jay Park. Like my body chemistry had lined up just right so that I knew exactly what he liked. Sometimes he felt like I was the only one that knew how to do it right.

 I pull away first, my mouth still lingering softly against his. My hand moves up to brush along his cheekbone. So pretty. So fucking dangerous. 

“The car is here,” he whispers against my mouth. 

“Did we give him a show?”I smile, grabbing his fingers in mine and pulling him along. 

It’s Jay’s car that picks us up. The outrageous Bentley that he never drives pulls in front of us ready to take us to his place. We both slide into the backseat. Jay greets his driver and tells him to take us straight to his apartment. It doesn’t take long before Jay has his hands on my body. 

His hands climb up my knee, inching toward my thighs. His fingers move up my dress until they hook around the waistband of my panties. He pulls them down slowly, smiling at me as the come off. He’s careful not to draw attention from up front. I watch as he stuffs the fabric in his back pocket. His hand comes back up to move over my thigh.

 Fingers girls around my thigh until he’s pushing my legs open. My eyes glance at the driver who has his music up as if to give us privacy. I wonder if he knows what’s going on in the back seat. Can he see my lips part as the metal of Jay’s cold ring brushes over my sensitive skin. I watch Jay’s face as his finger traces over me. He leans in to whisper in my ear. 

“This is for me right?”

When his finger adjusts to tease my entrance, my back presses against back seat as I try not to back a sound. His wrist moves slowly as his finger drags in and out. I pull my lip between my teeth, biting on my flesh hard.  I can’t speak. I can only nod as his knuckles move deeper, caressing me from the inside out. 

“Why do you keep making me wait for you, huh?” His lips brush over the shell of my ear. “It’s been too fucking long since I’ve been in this,”

“Hey,” he calls to his driver. “Can you turn this up a bit? My girl likes this song,”

I couldn’t tell you what song is playing or even who it’s by. I can’t focus on anything other than his fingers and how it feels like he’s unraveling pieces of me. “You’re quiet,” he smiles. “You’re never this quiet,”

“I-fuck,” I whisper, throwing my head back against the seat. 

“Five more minutes until we’re at my place. I need you to cum before then,”Jay’s lips press against my jaw softly. 

They trail out to the corner of my mouth.  When he finally takes my lips, it’s much softer than I expect. It’s still too much as his fingers pump against me. His tongue touches mine and I explode. He muffles my moans with his mouth. I pull back, pressing my face into his shoulder. I feel him slowly withdraw his hand. I lift my head, looking at him. He pulls my underwear out to wipe his hand before stuffing the fabric back in place. 

“Hey, thanks man,” he speaks to the driver but his eyes never leave mine. He exits the car first before reaching in to help me stand on my unsteady legs. His hand stays wrapped around mine as he pulls me through the lobby and up to his apartment. As soon as we back it into his place, he presses my back against the wall.

 “Does it make me weak that I’m so happy you’re here right now?”I shake my head. I can’t resist leaning in to press my lips against his. 

“No, it makes you horny,” I laugh. “And easy,”

“I can get sex anywhere,” he tells me raising an eyebrow. His hands easy up my bare thighs, rolling the black satin up with each inch. “But you are you,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I laugh.

 “It means, I’m more than willing to put up your annoying ass because it means I can do whatever I want,”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t think anything’s changed, Jay. I’m still in charge. It’s just your birthday,”

He pulls my panties from his back pocket. Jay’s hands slides up my arm before he steps back like he’s memorizing how I look. He reaches up and wraps the fabric around my wrists tightly. He steps closer again. I’m almost shaking in anticipation. I just want him to touch me. 

“Whatever I want, right?”I nod, drawing my lip between my teeth. Whatever he has planned, I can’t wait for it. My body feels like it’s been aching for him ever since the last time he’s touched me. 

“Did your girlfriend let you tie her up,” I tilt my head. 

I look around his apartment. There’s still traces of her all over the place. A picture of them together sits on his bedside table, a woman’s sweater hangs on the back of his room door, there’s a hint of sweetness in the air coming from the automatic air freshener that I’m sure she’s responsible for. I’m jealous. I can’t help it. I rarely try to hide it.

 “Why are you asking about her?”

“I’m sorry, did I hit a sore spot or something?”I raise an eyebrow, challenging him. 

He could pretend to have been a good boyfriend all this time, all he wants. I know it has always been me that he wanted when he was with her. 

“How many times did you close your eyes and pretend that it was me that you were fucking?” I smile teasing him.

 I don’t care how tactless it is to talk about her like this. I like the reaction from him. The affirmation that, yes, it has always been me. I lean in, pressing my lips against the exposed skin of his chest. I bring my tied hands down between us and unbutton the shirt the rest of the way down.

 “She didn’t like to ride you right? She didn’t like giving you head either,” I sigh. What a waste. “You haven’t had proper sex in months, right, Jay?”

Finally getting his shirt open, I run my hands up his chest. My fingers trace slowly over the swirling letters up his side.  When I get to the ‘S’ in ‘pleasure’ along his ribs, he catches my wrist. 

“You’re talking too much,” he says.

 “Make me shut up, then,” I shoot at him.

 He says nothing else. Instead, his hands come to my hips and he lifts me up. My legs come around his waist as he walks toward his bed. He’s about to let me go but I hold on tight. 

“What’s wrong?” He frowns.

 “Did you change the sheets?”I think about her body rolling around with his in his bed and I feel my stomach roll. I’m selfish, I know. Hypocritical, of course. I don’t give a fuck.

 “Really?” He asks with a smile. He’s reading my mind. “What if I say I didn’t get them changed?”

“Then you better take me to the couch,”

“We fucked on the couch too,”

I laugh shaking my head. “Now, I know you’re bluffing. You haven’t had anything but vanilla, missionary sex with all the lights off in months,”

Jay drops me on the bed instead of responding. The smell like fabric softener and him. He’s lucky. He’s smart. 

“Show me what non-vanilla missionary sex feels like then,”He stands looking down at me while I seize his body up. I don’t like how much clothes he still has on. I don’t like that fact that I still haven’t tasted any part of

“Drop the slacks, Park,”

“I don’t think that underwear is going to hold up,”

I watch as he unbuckles his belt and slowly draws it off. He loops it within itself before looping my already tied wrists. I watch hungrily as he unbuttons his slacks like I instructed. I hate to see them go. Still, they don’t come off quite yet. I hate that I can’t touch him. I think that’s the point of all of this. He wants to be in control. More than that, he knows that if my hands were free, he wouldn’t stand a damn chance.

 I move so I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. My eye level with his belly button. I feel him shiver as my breath makes contact with his skin. I brush my mouth over the small area where his waistband meets his skin. His hands reach up to tangle in my hair as I kiss his skin. I watch as one of his hands reaches down to pull himself out of his boxer briefs. The other hand holds my jaw roughly as he guides his dick into my mouth slowly.

 I’ve never got as much pleasure from giving head as I do with him. I moan around him, not for his benefit but because it just feels to fucking good to have him on my tongue again. I close my eyes as his hips move slowly. A hand gathers my hair out of the way before holding the pile of locks tightly against the back of my head. I could do this all night. I open my eyes again, looking up at him.

 He’s watching me, his eyes barely open, his mouth parted. I want to take a picture, but I also want to take him further. He’s too quiet. I move my tongue against him, pressing in waves. His hand tightens on my hair, his teeth grab onto his bottom lip. Not enough. I need more. I push foreword until my lips can’t go any further down his length.

 “Fuck,” he curses loudly. 

He stands still as I withdrawn and lick my lips. Our eyes stay on each other as I push forward again, this time my lips almost touch his flat stomach. I moan again, making sure the vibrations in the back of my throat last long enough that it almost seems him over the edge. He calls my name over and over like he’s begging me to stop. I think it’s my favorite sound in the world. I know when he’s about to cum because he pulls back quickly. My lips smack together in a ‘pop’. He pushes me back on the bed less than gently, but I don’t mind. I smile up at him, waiting to see what comes next. 

He pushes the satin fabric up my bare thighs. He rolls the dress up until it covers  only my eyes. I don’t like not being able to see him. His face, his body, the way he looked at me, it was part of the aphrodisiac. I don’t get to pout for long, though. His mouth settles on mine roughly for only a second before his lips move down to my neck. Down more, he touches my collarbones. More, his tongue rolls over the valley of my chest. His teeth scrap over my stomach. He kisses each hip slowly. My hips buck off the bed the closer he gets to where I need him. 

“God, you’re so pretty. All of you,”

I smile. “Yeah? Well stop playing around,”

“Yes ma’am,”Both hands come under my ass as he holds me against his mouth.

 He dives in without anymore games. His tongue moves against me hungrily. He feels like a man starved for two months. Like he hasn’t...eaten. “Jay,” I sigh. My hands move down to grip his hair. I pull at the ends, anchoring him against my body. I won’t last long. I can’t. Not when it feels like my skin is buzzing. Not when he’s feasting. 

“Shit,” I yell. “Stop, stop, stop,” I breathe. 

He pulls away. I can’t see him but I know he has that smirk on his mouth. The one that says he knows he’s working. 

“What’s wrong,”

“It’s too much,” I feel myself shutter.

 I’m so sensitive that even his breath brushing against me makes me react. 

“This is what happens when you don’t see me for two months. You think I don’t see the lame guys you fuck with when we not together? You’re just as deprived as I am,”

I can’t argue. He’s right. 

“Just fuck me,” I sigh still breathing heavily. 

“I’m going to make you cum with my mouth first. It’s my birthday. Consider it the best birthday first you could give me,”

I scoff. “Eating me out is your birthday gift?”

“Tasting you,” He answers simply. He doesn’t let me respond. 

His mouth is on me again. One hand leaves my ass and I feel his fingers spread me so his tongue can go deeper. He hums against my clit and that all it takes for my legs to lock around his ears. I cum with his name on my lips. My fingers pull at his hair roughly. I’m out of breath. It’s all too much and even as I shake around him, he doesn’t let up. Instead, his tongue rolls around me like he’s cleaning up after himself. I won’t be able to come back down to earth unless he stops touching me. When I tell him, I feel him smile against my skin before he pulls back.

 “I need to touch you you,” I beg.

 “Not yet,” he says immediately. He leaves for half a second. I hear him rummaging through his bedside table up by his head before he comes back. He climbs on top of my body. I feel him line himself before he moves forward roughly. His hips rocks against mine. Nothing about the way he moves against me is soft or sweet. He’s completely rough, his mouth is at my ear whispering all the dirty things he likes about my body.

 “So fucking tight,” he says. “So fucking good,”

“Please, Jay,” I don’t know what I’m asking for. I just need to have my hands on him. I need to see him too. “Let me see you,”

He pushes the fabric covering my eyes up so I can see how close he is. His brows pull together in concentration. His hair is a mess, there’s a red welt rising on on his cheek. I must have scratched him when I was pulling his hair on accident. This lips are swollen too, the prettiest reddish pink. He looks so...fucking sexy. I make sure to take snapshots in my mind. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get to touch him again. I store everything I’m feeling right now in a folder that’s labeled ‘for later’. Suddenly, he withdraws.

 A hand on my hip flips me over on my stomach quickly. He pushes in again quickly. His chest presses against my back. His skin is slick with sweat. His lips press against the back of my neck while he fucks me. Between my shaky legs and my tied arms, I’m not much use. All I can do is lay as he uses my body. It’s not fair. 

“Let me fucking touch you,” I moan with my face presses into the bed. 

I hear him laugh behind me but he doesn’t let up. I close my eyes as another orgasm slams into my body. This one is harder. I fill like a cup that’s been overfilled and now I’m just a mess. I’m gasping, my hands grip at air, and I’m shaking. There wasn’t enough recovery between them. Jay eases off of me. He unties the belt first then gently pulls the fabric off of my skin. He kisses each wrist softly before climbing to sit at the head of the bed. He pulls me to straddle his lap. 

My dress gets tossed on the floor behind me. I’m completely naked. He has his shirt on still, barely. It’s rumbled and falling off one shoulder. His slacks stayed on. He has never looked more attractive. 

“I can’t,” I protest looking at our position. Thirty minutes ago I would’ve been able to rock his world while I rode him. Now I’m barely holding myself up. 

“Relax. Just wrap your arms around my neck,” I do as I’m told because there’s nothing else I can do. I’m so worn out. My bare chest presses against his. We line up perfectly again and his arms come around my waist moving my body how he wants. He kisses me softly. 

His fingers brush my hair away from my face. His thumb settles against my bottom lip. I open my mouth and run the side of it. He tastes like pure sex. He continues to work my hips over his. I still can’t move. When I least expect, his arms wrap around my hips and he flips us so that his body hovers over mine. 

“Are you going to show me your version of vanilla missionary-“ his hips slam against mine

. “Oh, fuck,” 

He laughs. “You talk way too much,”

“I hate you,” I sigh feeling my legs wrap tightly around him. 

He pauses. “You don’t,”

“Right now-,”

“You don’t,” he insists. 

He reaches between us his fingers rub against my clit and I can’t speak. He kisses me while he fucks me. It’s times like this that I wish that we saw each other a little more often. It’s not like I want to be with him... I just want more nights like this. More nights when I can hardly feel my legs and I’m sore in the morning. When my lips become swollen and there’s bruises left on my body from how tight he holds me. That’s what I want. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Jay pulls back as he watches himself slide against me. I watch as his eyes shine with something like pride as I groan his name. I could try all I can to not feed his ego but I’ll always fail. Especially when he touches me like this. 

“Give me one more, baby,”I can’t. 

Still, I feel my body build as he increases the pace of his hips against mine. His fingers press into my skin hard, and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. Before I know it, I’m shaking around him again. Jay pulls my left leg higher on his hip as his chin drops against his chest. I’m fully out of commission. Spent. I can’t do anything but what as he cums himself, his eyes pressed shut tightly. His hips slow and he eventually falls beside me, chest heaving with each breath he struggles to push in and out of his lungs.

 “Good job, pal,” I breathe with a smile

. “Pal?” He laughs.

 He rolls lifting my body so he can lay with his chest pressed against my back. 

“I’m going,” I yawn trying to pull out of his embrace. Jay’s arms tighten around my body, holding me against his side. He’s already half asleep but he’s still far stronger than I am. I’m pinned to his side with no hope of moving.

 “Stay,” he mumbles cutely. 

“You’ll get a text in the morning from your girlfriend about her overreacting or whatever and she’ll come over to keep you company,”

“You sound jealous,”

I scoff. “That the girls you date are  too blinded by your face to realize you’re kind of a dick? Absolutely not,”

He hums against my skin before kissing my neck. There’s that intimacy again. The feeling that maybe this isn’t only meant for once in a blue moon. Maybe I can have my sore limbs and sticky sheets a little more regularly. 

“It’s my birthday. Be nice to me,”I look at the clock beside my head. 

“You have two more minutes,”He smiles, his eyes closed. He grabs my hand and pulls one finger up in front of his face like a candle. 

“One more wish,” he says tiredly. 

I swear this guy has stamina for days right up to the very second that he cums. Then it’s nap time. 

“When I get that call in the morning, you answer it, and stop waiting months to call me,”He blows on my finger before tucking my hand in his and curling around me. 

“That’s two,”

“And you’re a pain in the ass,” he laughs. “Just go to sleep,”

I watch as the clock changes, signaling the end of his birthday.

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 4

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 4 of 7

Word-Count: 4.8k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

I’m blindfolded while Jay holds my hands leading me in the right direction. It would feel like one of my sex dreams except I keep tripping and I can hear him laughing quietly behind me. When he’d asked for a day, I expected exploring the city again, seeing all the touristy stuff in the daylight. Instead, he’d told me to dress comfortably, blindfolded me, and here we are with me holding on to him for dear life while I walk aimlessly.

“Step up,” he instructs in my ear. I do as I’m told, lifting a foot and searching for a step. I guess he grows tired of me missing it because his arms wrap around my waist tightly and lift me up over the ledge. 

“We get it, you’re strong,” I say rolling my eyes even though he can’t see them. “One day, that smart mouth is going to get you in trouble,” his lips brush my ear softly as he whispers. His arms stay around me while I lean into his chest. Intimacy. I feel it. It’s still too much. This feels ‘flingy’, temporary, like maybe at the end of the week we’ll be done. Maybe that’s what we need. A few days to get enough of each other so we can go our own way. 

I turn my head. I can tell I catch him off guard because he freezes around me. I smirk at him. “What are you going to do about it? One day could be today,”

“You’re different,” he says quietly. 

I shrug. 

I can’t explain it either. It’s like I’ve been trying so hard to keep him at arm's length that after yesterday, I’m finally really ready to let him in again. I’m learning that when it comes to Jay it’s all or nothing. I can either be totally mad at him and want nothing to do with him, or I can be 100% on his side. I can’t do lukewarm when it comes to him.  

“I said I’d try right?”

He stays silent. Instead of speaking his grips on my hands tighten as he leads me further. Wherever we are is freezing. He senses my discomfort, his hands sliding up and down my arms. 

“Almost there,”

He spins my body and pushes my shoulders gently for me to sit. My butt hits the chair with a thud and I feel him sit across from me. 

“Can I take the blindfold off?”

He doesn’t answer, instead, his hands gently pull at the fabric covering my eyes. It takes me a few seconds to adjust to the light and a few more to realize that we’re on a plane. 

When Jay told me to grab my passport last minute, I figured we’d be doing some traveling. Not get on a plane kind of traveling. I can’t imagine where we’d need to take a plane to in Italy. Maybe we’re going to some hillside where they make wine and step on grapes. Maybe we’re going to pick out cheese or something. Whatever it has him really excited because he hasn’t stopped smiling at me. 

“Where are we going?”

His smile widens at my question. His shoulders lift and drop adorably. “I dunno,”

“You don’t know?” I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Nope,” he smiles. 

“I have a shoot tomorrow,”

“We’ll be back by tonight,”

I sigh. 

“Ok,”

“Ok?”

Nodding, I smile at him. “I trust you,”

I want to tell him that I don’t need all of this. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong. But I really don’t need him to go out of his way for me. All I really ask for is time. Time to get used to being around him again. Time to accept that I still really want him. But I don’t say anything because he’s clearly really excited for whatever he has planned. 

The plane ride takes a little more than an hour. We fill it with me trying to get our destination out of him. He doesn’t budge. He just looks at me with soft eyes. When I give up after about forty minutes, Jay switches seats so that he’s next to me. 

“I’m going to blindfold you again once we land,” he warns with a smirk. “I don’t think it’s necessary,”

He shrugs. “Probably not, but I like it when you hold on to me. It makes me feel like you trust me again,”

“I do trust you,”

“Do you?” He asks seriously. His hand squeezes mine gently. “Do you trust that I won’t ever do anything to hurt you again,”

“You can’t promise me that, Jay,”

“I can if it means losing you again,” he says softly. 

My heart thuds hard in my chest. I can’t help but hold on to him a little tighter. I want this so bad. I want him, in my corner, reminding me how much he wants me too. 

“Ok, I have to blindfold you again,” he pulls out a piece of fabric, the toothy smile from earlier back in place. 

I roll my eyes and stay still as he covers my eyes. 

“You also have to wear headphones,”

“Jay!”

“10 minutes max,” he says. “Listen to three songs and then I promise it’ll be worth it,”

I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me. Still, I wasn’t lying when I told him that I trusted him. That’s the issue. I trust him too much. He slips headphones over my ears and of course, it’s his voice that’s playing. His hands guide me up out of my seat and he helps me get off the plane without falling on my face. He pauses the music. 

“You have to get in the car so watch your step,”

The music plays again not giving me a chance to ask questions. His hand lays on my head helping me duck into the vehicle. He even stretches across my body to buckle me into the seat.

Even with my senses cut off, it’s too much of him around me. I’m covered in his smell, his touch, his skin brushing against mine. It’s making him thirty times more potent. 

We drive for what seems well over ten minutes before the car finally comes to a stop. I wait for Jay to take the headphones off before his hands go to the fabric that covers my eyes. 

“Before I take this off, I just want to say that we’re here one hundred percent because of you. This trip is all for you, Eden. Whatever you want to do just let me know. I have some stuff booked but if you want to do anything else-,”

“Jay, I’m impatient,”

“I know, baby,” he laughs before pulling the fabric off. It takes a few long seconds for my eyes to adjust to the light but when they do, they immediately fill with tears. 

“Shit, don’t cry, Eden,” Jay says pulling me into his side. 

“We’re in Paris,” I whisper looking at the iconic glass ceiling of the Louvre. 

“We’re in Paris,” he echoes looking down at me fondly. We both climb out the car. He lets me take in the fact that I’m actually in France. Its the one place I haven’t gone yet and it’s the one place I’ve been dying to get to. Everyone wants to go to Paris. In my company, all the jobs get snatched up so quickly I can barely blink before they’re off the sheet. 

Before I can control myself, I wrap my arms around Jay’s neck and press my lips against his cheek. He catches my body easily but is taken off guard by affection. 

“Are you happy?” He laughs. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jay? This is insane.”

I’m so excited that I’m bouncing on my toes and gripping his hand tightly. He follows behind me as I lead him toward the huge angular glass shape in front of the museum. 

I can’t believe he’s brought me all the way to France. I’m in Paris, damnit. My fingers slit through his, while I hold him tightly. I can’t think of one thing I ’ve ever wanted to do more than this. Of course, I could have saved and gotten here by myself, but ever since the promise he’d made me, it never felt right to go. 

“Thank you,” I tell him as we get in line. 

“I promised, didn’t I?”

I nod quietly trying to keep my excitement under control. The Louvre is everything I want it to be. There’s no other way to describe it. Walking through I’m so transfixed that I hardly mind that I’m not allowed to take photos in a large part of the museum. My camera hangs pretty much unused around my neck as I try to take in as much as possible. 

Jay moves with me quietly, asking questions but otherwise letting me see everything. At some point, he lets go if my hand and we walk with his chest presses against my back and arms wrapped around my shoulders. 

I wonder how we look. If anyone sees anything in the small things, like the way my hand comes up absentmindedly and smooths over his forearm or how he stays quiet when I linger in front of something particularly interesting and lets me marvel in peace.  

“The Mona Lisa is here,” I tell him. 

“Hmmm,” he hums. 

“So is the Venus de Milo, there’s also all kinds of paintings of like the Greek and Roman mythologies,”

He says nothing but makes that humming sound again. I turn my head so I can look up at him. “Are you bored?”

He shakes his head, smiling down at me. “You really like this stuff. I’m just happy that you finally get to see it,”

I can’t keep the goofy smile off my face. I feel dizzy like I’m drunk on art and Jay Park at the same time. Two years ago this would’ve been my dream come true, now I’m realizing that it still is a little bit. I can’t lie to myself. I can’t pretend that all this time that we’ve been separated, I wasn’t waiting for a miracle that forced us back together. That I wasn’t waiting for an excuse.  Because I was. I wanted all of it. I still do. Even more than before. There really are only two options for after this trip. Option one, somehow we make it work. Somehow despite how much time it’s been and how much tension I’ve held in my heart, we figure it out. Option two, none of this matters. None of the gentle touches, none of the sweet words, apologies from both of us, none of it will be enough to keep us going. 

“Eden, what’s wrong?”He pulls me out of my thoughts. His brows pull into a frown. 

“Nothing,” I tell him shaking my head. I surprise even myself when I press a quick kiss against his arm that’s across my shoulders. “Let’s keep going. I need to see everything,”

“Everything!” He teases with a wide smile while walking with me pressed tightly to his chest. 

I won’t think about the end of the week, at least not today. I’m here. I’m happy. Even happier that it’s with Jay. I’ll think grown-up responsible thoughts tomorrow. 

It takes us hours to get through. Bless his heart, Jay didn’t complain at all. He asked questions and listened while I or someone else explained about something we were looking at. 

When we make it out, he asks another couple if they could take a picture of us with the museum behind us and then we’re off. 

“What’s next?” I ask, excited for what he has planned.

“I’m going to feed you and then we’re going to the next thing,”

“I’m not hungry,” I pout, ready to see more of the city. 

Jay laughs and helps me into the car. He never lets my hand go and I never want him to. 

“You were five minutes away from complaining that you haven’t been fed. I can’t win with you,”

I laugh. 

“How long do we have?”

“Don’t stress about it, Eden. The whole day is yours to see Paris. We have time,”

We eat in a small cafe in the city. It’s so weird that I find myself marveling at all the things that I wouldn’t ordinarily find interest in. The tables are cute, the chairs, the little chocolate shop next to the cafe that Jay wordlessly takes me to after we eat. 

I smile up at him as he swings his arm over my shoulder, holding me tight against his side. 

“Get what you want,” he tells me. 

“I feel like you’ve been dying to tell a girl that all your life,” I tease him. 

He raises an eyebrow at me. “You want a limit on your chocolate spree?”

I leave him knowing he’ll follow. “I have my own money, you know? You don’t have to keep paying for everything,”

“Well how about when we’re both free, we can take another trip and it’ll be your treat,”

I know what he’s doing. Planning for the future to see where I’m at with all this. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be able to give him a clue one way or the other because I don’t know myself. 

“Do you think two pounds of chocolate covered strawberries would be doing too much?” I ask, changing the subject. 

“Do you want two pounds of strawberries?” He asks. 

“You know I’ll eat them? But is that like doing the most?”

His arm comes around my shoulder again laughing at my dilemma. “Do whatever you want, Eden. I’ll get you two pounds of the strawberries,” he says. “And whatever else you want,”

I don’t end up getting two pounds, only because I didn’t want to carry them around all day. I get one instead and refuse anymore else Jay tries to buy me. 

“What are we doing next?”

“Waiting for someone to pick us up,” he tells me. 

“An authentic Parisian experience, huh? Jaybeom you’re really going all out,”

“Have I ever told you how funny you are? Genuinely, you’re hilarious,”

We aren’t waiting long. The more time passes, the more I’m seeing just how well Jay planned everything. Our car picks us up near the cafe and shop and takes off without asking exactly where we’re headed. 

“Will we be back at the villa by tomorrow?” I ask him. 

His hand finds mine again. It’s so natural, easy like he’s been doing it for the last two years. I wonder if he ever feels the same hesitation when he touches me as I do. And I wonder if he feels it becoming easier and easier with each day that passes. I can never tell what he’s thinking. 

“We’ll be back by tonight. You have a shoot to do with hoody tomorrow, right?”

I nod a little disappointed that I can’t stay with him like this a little bit longer. Call me greedy, but I want more time pretending that things aren’t what they really are. I’m France, it’s me and Jay in love without much responsibility. I don’t want to go back to where other things can get in the way. 

The easiest solution, don’t let any of it get to us. It’s the only thing that makes sense really. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Even if by accident, my heart can’t suffer another blow; not from him. 

He squeezes my fingers, getting my attention again. “You’ll be tired, that’s ok, right? We can go back earlier, whenever you want,” he assures. 

I shake my head moving so that I’m in his space more. I’ve been feeling bolder today. The parts of me that just want things to be how they were so long ago, they’re aching to cling to him. I’m so close to giving in. So close to allowing myself to just forget about how I’ve felt for two years. It should matter that he hurt me. I should care about it all but...I don’t. 

The drive takes about twenty-five minutes through a bit of traffic. I’m so distracted by Jay that I’m not paying attention to anything else. I can’t take my eyes off of him. 

“I saw some of the final edits that you did,” he tells me. His thumb rubs against the back of my hand absentmindedly. 

“Yeah?”

“They were good,” he says while looking proud. “Really good. I didn’t forget how talented you are. But I forgot that it’s all so effortless for you,”

“It’s not effortless,” I tell him. 

“It seems like it. I miss looking at your stuff,” something in his eyes soften as he stares back at me. “I really just fucking miss you in general,”

“We’d miss each other even if we were together, Jay. We live on opposite sides of the world,”

He shakes his head. “It’s different. I couldn’t hear your voice when I wanted. I haven’t made you smile in years. I think about you every day, Eden. What you’re doing and if you’re thinking about me too,”

His fingers twist around mine as he catches my eyes. “Mostly, I thought about how I can get you back,”

I sigh looking out the window as we pass by tourist taking pictures and Parisians trying to live their life. 

“You told me you wanted to run away to Paris,” 

Jay continues to talk. I think he knows that I’m struggling to find something to say. As much as I rack my head and my heart, I can’t think of anything to give him. I don’t know how to be in the middle with him. So instead of giving him half the truth, I keep how much I still need him tampered down for now. Besides confessing that nothing’s changed that I still feel the way I felt back then, there’s nothing for me to say really. I also doubt he wants to hear anything other than that either. I’m doing us both a solid by keeping quiet. 

“I wanted you to see everything you wanted so badly, Eden. Even back then I was trying to figure out when I could work a trip to France into our tour schedule,”

“You didn’t have to do this Jay,” I tell him for what seems like the hundredth time. 

He ignores me and probably rolls his eyes too. His fingers squeeze mine again but he says nothing. I wonder what he’s thinking. If he has any plans to give up. If there’s a limit to how many times I can push him away. I’m starting to hope that he never listens; that he always tries to change my mind. 

There’s no hiding the Palace of Versailles.  He wouldn’t be able to surprise me any way he tried. There’s something about even the area that said that we were somewhere important. I knew before we even pulled in front of the palace itself. 

I feel my smile spread back in place. I’m so happy. I’m so fucking happy I could cry. I feel Jay’s eyes back on me and I can’t help but wrap my arm around his as we get out of the car. 

“You’re fucking ridiculous,” I whisper. 

“Come, we have to meet our tour guide in like five minutes. We’re running a little behind,”

He leads me across the vast property toward the entrance of the palace. I’m so excited I can barely take everything in let alone take a decent picture. Jay has to drag me away from the fountain, promising to stop by on our way out. 

His arm slings over my neck as we maneuver through the crowd of people waiting. I look up at Jay.

“Aren’t we going to get in line?”

He shakes his head and points to the stocky guy in the corner. “Private tour, baby,”

“I’m paying you back,” I tell him rolling my eyes. 

“You’re hilarious,” he stops walking, giving me all of his attention. “You want to pay me back, tell me you’re really fucking happy again and that’ll be enough,”

“Really? That’s all you want?”

He nods and we walk again toward our guide. 

“Jay and Eden, right?”

Jay nods pulling me close to his side. 

“Great! Let’s begin with a little history of the palace and architecture,”

Jay’s bored for a good portion of the tour. His alternates leaning against me, his chin pressed into my shoulder and pulling me so that my back rests against his chest. At some point, I reach over to intertwine my fingers with his just because. I like that I can. I like that I want to. 

We walk closer together than even at the museum; always touching, always in contact. We go through the palace with me asking questions and pointing out things that particularly sparks my interest. The tour guide lets me know we can take as much time as we want in any of the areas. There’s so much to see and take in because every bit of the palace is art. The floors, the ceilings, the lighting, it’s all so grand that I can’t even begin to put it all into words. It’s amazing. 

When the tour is over, hours have passed. I felt bad a while ago so I suggested we wrap it up but jay kept insisting on seeing more. By the time our car picks us up it’s just before five. I feel like we’ve been everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

I’m still so happy I feel like I could burst. This is the trip I’ve always wanted. And Jay made it happen. I’m sure eventually I would’ve gotten to see Paris but this is different. This is with Jay. 

When the car stops I know exactly where we are. We get out and Jay looks around, confused. I smile up at him already knowing what’s wrong. “Are we at the right place?” He frowns to himself cutely. “Pont des Arts Bridge, right? Where the locks are supposed to be,”

“They removed the locks years ago, Jay,” I can’t help but smile up at him. He looks so dejected staring at the clear glass where the metal used to be. 

Still, it’s a beautiful view. The expanse of water flowing below us while other tourists lean against the bridge to take pictures. It’s so pretty I can’t even begin to miss the locks. The atmosphere is still quite romantic, especially with Jay. 

“This is supposed to be the most romantic place in the world,” he pouts. “It is romantic,” I say looking around us. With my hand in his, I lean into him and squeeze his fingers in mine tightly. I watch as he digs into his pocket a pulls out a tiny metal lock and a sharpie.  

“What do I do with this then?”

I shrug letting his hand go so I can lean over the rail of the bridge. I don’t know how he did it but he managed to pick the nicest day of the week to come out. It’s not too hot or not too windy. It’s also not as crowded as a weekend would be. 

“Keep it,” I say. “We can find another place for it,”

Jay tucks the metal back in his pocket, still looking dejected and disappointed. Seeing how much work he’d put into this trip just for me, I’m grateful. Grateful and so so happy. 

I take a couple steps closer to him, smiling shyly when he looks at me. I pull at his arm so I could wrap my fingers around his. Immediately, his fingers slide around mine, gripping mine tightly. 

“I’m happy,” I tell him. “It was a really good day and I’m super happy,”

“Enough to let me kiss you?” He says jokingly. 

It takes us both off-guard when I lean in. 

I kiss him. 

I don’t really make the decision. Something in my body takes over as I move my lips toward his. 

I reach up wrapping my arms around his neck, drawing him close. His own arms circle my waist holding my body against him. 

His lips feel like I never forgot them. His tongue feels like crashing, falling, and flying all at once. I don’t remember the last time a kiss made me want to just take all my clothes off. 

That’s a lie. 

I remember him at my apartment door, drunk, and begging me to let him in. And when I finally do open the door to keep him from waking up my neighbors, his mouth touched mine so swiftly it felt like my whole world tilted. That kiss made me want to take my clothes off too. And we did, fucking against my door at three o’clock in the morning because it felt like we’d combust if we didn’t. Only two hours later I was throwing him and his cell phone that wouldn’t stop ringing out of my place. 

Even thinking about all that doesn’t stop me from pulling at the ends of his hair and trying to get close to him. He pulls away first, breathless, chest heaving against mine. 

“You kissed me,” he says smiling. 

“Did I?”

“I’m like 80% certain you did. Are you ok? Are you sick?,” he frowns. I reach up and use my thumb to smooth away his wrinkles. 

“I couldn’t help it,” I whisper. 

I feel shy. Like for some reason even though I know his mouth like my own, it’s all new. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me. Maybe it’s because we’re in fucking Paris. Maybe it’s because I can’t think of any other place in the world I want to be than with him and that seems... almost impossible. 

I lean up and kiss him again, because I can. His arms hold me tight against his chest. When I pull away, he follows me peppering the side of my lips with quick kisses. I laugh turning my head to move out of reach. 

“Well, that took less time than what I was expecting,” he jokes moving my hair out of my face. 

“You brought me to Paris just to kiss me?”

He shakes his head. “I brought you to Paris because it’s the one place in the world you wanted to go. And selfishly, I wanted to be the first one to bring you here,”

I believe him. 

That’s my first problem with Jay. I believe him too easily. I take what he says without question. It’s been like that since the beginning. All it took was one time for me to be wrong. 

When you’re willing to bet your life on the way someone feels about you, and then it all turns out to be wrong...it breaks you. It broke me. Letting him back in, so easily, so quickly because I what? I believe the look in his eyes? The words that come out of his mouth? 

I pull away from him suddenly embarrassed. His hands on my waist don’t let me get too far, though. His dark brows pull in as looks at me worried. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I feel kind of,” I shrug trying to think of what exactly to say. “Foolish,”

Jay blinks at me, his hands holding me tighter. 

“You feel foolish? For kissing me?”

I shake my head. “Not for kissing you. For being so easy,”

Jay scoffs, rolling his eyes at me. His hands drop from my body and he pushes them through his hair. 

“Easy? It’s been two damn years Eden. I’ve been in love with you, watching you date, and live your life, and be ok without me. None of this has been easy,”

I touch his arm softly pulling his attention back on me. “Don’t get mad. I’m just being honest with you,”

My lips twist as I think about how to get him to stop looking at me like I’m constantly breaking his heart. Smiling, I lean against him, pressing my chin to the center of his chest while I look up at him. 

He stares at me, his frown still not softening. I purse my lips in a pout. “Kiss me,”

His face softens and his eyes roll his arms come back up around my waist. He presses his lips against my pout. “I’m scared you’ll run from me when we get back,”

“I’m right here,” I reassure him. 

He’s quiet for a while. A hand reaches up and his thumb runs across my bottom lip. I wish I could know what he’s thinking, but right now I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. I’m in Paris with someone I’ve wanted to be in this spot with for a really long time. 

“Are you?” He asks finally. “Through tonight, through the rest of the trip, after the trip? Are you with me?”

I could tell him yes that I’m a hundred and ten percent down to try whatever it means to date Jay Park from halfway across the world. I could also tell him no, that I’m so scared to hit the ground that I can’t imagine walking on eggshells for the duration of our relationship. Instead I tell him the truth and hope that he gets it. 

“I’m scared that I like you too much to make a rational responsible decision. I also know that I like you too much to let you go again,”

Jay’s arms tighten around me, his cheek presses against the top of my head. We stand like this for a little longer watching as people pass us by. On this bridge that used to be filled with locks and people promising each other forever, I’m wondering how many of them are just like us; on the verge of maybes.

[namjoonsteeth]

Circles (Part 1)

Summary:

 Like watching a movie and already knowing the end No matter how hard we try to run away We’re always in the same place Always come back to me Again in the same place In the end, like this Back in place again Why is it so hard to leave Again in the same place - G Soul Circles

Paring: Dabin X FC (Jasmine)

Word Count: 2.1k

He’s drunk, Jasmine,” I shouldn’t have answered my phone. The only time Christian calls me is if it’s about Dabin. Considering we never actually grew to like each other, despite how much time we spent together, we didn’t make it a habit to speak. Over the last year though, his name has popped up on my phone more times than when I was actually dating his best friend for two years. 

“I’m busy, Christian,” 

I look over at my date who is busy grating a block of parmesan cheese over the pasta we spent n hour making. Dinner was finally done, the movie we’d ordered already set up, the condoms in my purse begging me to free them. 

“He’s asking for you,” he sighs. “He’s-,” 

He pauses, exhaling a large overdramatic breath. 

“He’s been crying, Jasmine. Please, just come get him. You know he’s good for the gas money,”

“I’m on a fucking date,” I whisper harshly. I didn’t mean to be cruel. Not to Christian at least who hasn’t done anything wrong other than letting him get this far. 

“That fucking explains it,” he says quietly. 

It stings. It burns. It ignites a fire in my chest. He has no right to do this every fucking time. He’s selfish. He’s an asshole. He’s the one who broke up with me. 

“What do you want me to do?” I sigh, already scanning Lucas’s apartment for my things. 

“Just come get him, take him back to yours, calm him down,”

“I’m not his babysitter, Christian. That’s your job, remember?” I say bitterly. As shameful as it is, how close they are really used to irk me. If he wasn’t with me, he was with Rome. If I called him, Christian was always in the background reminding him that they had work to do. If I wanted to spend the night at his place, Christian was usually the first person I saw in the morning as Dabin sleeps too late even for me. 

“I can’t take him back to mine. Nicole has-,” 

“Fuck, I know, Christian. Whatever it is going on with your girlfriend, once again you can’t take care of your best friend,”

It’s harsh again, I know. I’m frustrated. 

Ironically, I don’t think Nicole is particularly fond of Dabin either. I was always protective when Christian had to choose her over Dabin. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m just...this has to stop, Christian,”

“I’ll see you in a little bit,” Christian says hopefully. 

“Yeah,” I say, clicking the call off. 

I look behind me again. Lucas unties the adorable apron from around his waist and reaches up to grab two plates from his cabinet. How organized everything is here always freaked me out. I’m not used to neat boys. I’m used to Christian’s protein powders taking up half of the coffee-stained counter that had at least one empty americano plastic cup. I’m also not used to real matching dishes in a man’s house. 

He’s good for me, I tell myself. I’m going to ruin this because of my ex-boyfriend who I run to save whenever he calls. Sighing, I get up and grab my purse while slipping on my heels. 

Lucas looks up at me a frown on his pretty face. 

“Is everything ok?”

I shake my head. My fingers pick at the strap of my bag. Dabin used to laugh at the point in all my straps that shows my nervous habit. This is a new bag, I scold myself forcing my hands to drop along with my eyes. 

“I’m really sorry, Lucas,” I begin. 

What’s your excuse Jasmine? My ex-boyfriend is drunk and crying in a bar because he misses me and for the third time in half as many months, I’m going to take him back to mine because I’m the only person he has to take care of him. 

“My friend is really drunk at a bar right now. I have to go get him,”

He doesn’t even blink at the fact that I’m leaving to go to another man. He just moves to grab his keys off the counter. 

“Jesus, Jasmine, I’ll take you before he gets himself in trouble,”

He’s nice. He’s really totally nice. I’ve always had a thing for genuinely sweet guys. Dabin is sweet. He’s nice too. He’s not Lucas nice and maybe that’s why I’m choosing him. 

“It’s my ex-boyfriend, Lucas,”

He pauses for a second before shrugging. “It’s fine,”

I sigh. “No, it’s not fine because this is going to happen again and every time I’m going to leave and go get him because we’re all each other has really. Eventually, it’ll come between us and I’ll still choose Dabin and I don’t want to put you through that,”

His head tilts adorably. “Are you, are you breaking up with me?”

I nod slowly. I feel bad. I feel angry. With myself mostly. 

“I’ll call you in the morning, Jasmine,” he says finally. 

“Lucas-,”

He interrupts me. “Just go do what you have to do. I’ll call you,”

Lucas is one of the ones who won’t realize what I’m saying until he shows up at my apartment and sees Dabin half naked on my couch. Still, I don’t have time right now to give him anything else. I leave, turning my head when he tries to kiss me. Luckily for Dabin, Lucas lives halfway between the bar and my place. It only takes me twenty minutes to get to him. 

I park my car and make it to the bar just half-past nine. I spot Christian right away, mainly because eyes usually follows his every move. I move toward him as quickly as I can in these heels. He’s hunched over someone, patting them on the back. Dabin. My heart sinks. Despite everything, I ache. 

I cross my arms over my chest psuedo-protectively. 

“Hey,”

Christian turns, his brown eyes brightening when he sees me. He moves out of the way so I can get to Dabin. His cheek is pressed against the bar, one hand tunnels through his hair while another grips an empty shot glass.  

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” I whisper, shaking my head. They’re both at fault. Christian for letting it go this far and Dabin for yet again being an idiot. 

“Dabin,” I call. 

He doesn’t move. I lean over to the other side to step into his line of vision. His eyes are squeezed shut like he’s trying to hide in plain sight. 

“Can she see me?” He slurs. He’s cute even when he’s shit face drunk. The hand that’s been funneling through his hair moves down to cover his face. I roll my eyes and pull the hand. I actively ignore how his skin pulses against mine when I touch him. 

“Let’s go,” I say. “Can I have two bottles of water?” I call out to the bartender. He nods and hands me two bottles shaking his head when I try to hand him a wad of cash I pull out. 

“I swear I’ll leave you here. Let’s go,” I instruct again. 

His eyes pop open, he lifts his head and turns his whole body, his arms wrap around my waist as he holds me tight against him. His shoulders start to shake, and I drop my head back. 

I can’t cry. Not right now. Not here. I try to talk to him calmer, coasting him to come with me. 

“Dabin, just come with me,”

He looks up at me, his watery eyes blinking. “I’m sorry, Jasmine. Are you mad at me? I’m mad at me. You should just leave me here. I don’t,” He hiccups. “Deserve you. I don’t deserve you,” he repeats the phrase, his tears coming down slowly. 

My eyes burn with every tear that soaks through my dress. I can’t keep doing this to myself. This is the last time, I promise while wiping my eyes quickly. I pull at his arms until he stands. I shoot Christian a glare before leaving with my arms around Dabin’s waist and his arm on my shoulder. 

Luckily get him seated and buckled isn’t hard. He falls asleep as soon as I start driving. He wakes up when we’re just about ten minutes from my place. His head taps against my window, only stopping to take large sips of his water. He’s sober enough to be embarrassed now. The air in the car is filled with tension from everything he doesn’t say and everything I don’t yell. 

I never yell. Not at him. I can’t bring myself to do it. Why can’t I just hold him accountable for his actions?

I grip the steering wheel tight in my hand. 

“You can’t keep doing this to me,” I whisper. My throat feels dry from all the tears I’ve been keeping back. 

“I know,” he says softly. “I’m sorry,”

“I can’t be in your life like this anymore, Dabin. Not when-,” I still love you. I cut myself off quickly. 

“I’m sorry, Jasmine,”

“Are you, though? It seems to me that you’re fine with keeping me around just so I can come clean up after you,”

Dabin stops banging his head on my window and looks straight ahead out the windshield. For however long we’ve been together I never got tuned to his thoughts. I can pick up his mood, but I would never be able to tell you exactly what he’s thinking. I used to think that it was because weren’t able to get close, but that’s not it. That’s just him. He knows how to hide well. 

“Have you ever heard of classical conditioning?”

I roll my eyes because I know where he’s going. He’s not wrong but right now I don’t give a damn about Pavlov and his dog. I pull my lip between my teeth a habit that happens when I’m trying to hold my tongue. Snapping on him does nothing. Telling him that he’s slowly turning into a dependent mess won’t help either. 

“I was on a date, Dabin. I was with my boyfriend in his apartment about to eat pasta because for the first time in a long time I wanted to be with someone else,” I sigh as I come to a stop at a red light. 

“And then you call and it’s like I’m Pavlov’s dog again. I see Christian’s stupid name and dopamine just shoots up to my brain because it’s you. Because for some reason my dumbass is ok with you being a douchebag because at least I get to see you again. At least you want me again,”

Dabin looks at me for the first time since he got in my car. His dark hair is a little longer, his full lips a usually pretty pink are so pale like he’s been gnawing on them. 

“Don’t come,”

“What,” 

He pushes his hands through his hair and drops his hair back on the seat. His eyes close again. 

“Next time just don’t come,”

“Fuck, Dabin. You think I’m going to just let you fucking die of alcohol poisoning. Get your shit together and then I won’t have to stop my life every single fucking time,”

We’re silent for the rest of the ride home. I know he’s still too drunk to have a real conversation. And I’m hungry, tired, and if I’m honest sexual frustrated. I park in my building’s lot and wait for him to get out. He moves slowly, still stumbling a little but at least he can walk on his own. Still, I hook an arm around his waist so he doesn’t fall and knock his head. 

When we get up to my place I let us in. I watch as he flops on my couch, his head thrown back and eyes shut. I roll my eyes in frustration and go to get him some Advil, blankets, and a pillow from my room. I set it all in his lap before going into my room to get ready for bed. 

I leave my door open so I can see him from my bed. This is what you do for people you love. You take care of them. You make sure they’re safe and comfortable. But there’s a limit. There shouldn’t be and obviously, right now there isn’t but I run every time he calls; only to be reminded in the morning when he’s gone before I wake up that nothings changed. It’s a cycle of that we’re stuck in. And as much as I could yell and scream, as bad as he feels in the morning, nothing will ever change. 

When he’s this close again, as bad as it seems, I know that I don’t want it to.

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 1

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 1 of 7

Word-Count: 4.5k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

Genre: Angst

Cover made by @obiwon-shenobi

I don’t know why I’m here. 

I promised myself months ago that I’d stop jumping when he asks me to. Still, here I am with a suitcase in each hand and my camera bag on my back; all because he made one single call. 

Jay has always been used to getting what he wants. His success was eighty-nine percent hard work, one percent luck, and ten percent simply wishing things into fruition. His latest trick, getting me to fly to Italy for seven days to shoot something for him. 

Maybe the fact that it didn’t take much spoke louder on my part than his, really. I’ve been weak for about two years now. Salivating for any piece of attention he’d thrown my way and pretending that none of it matters anymore. Obviously, I’m doing a pretty shit job. 

It’s work, Eden. That’s all it is.

I’ve been lying to myself from the minute I agreed to do the job until this very second. It’s not just work. With him, who sets my blood on fire with merely a look, who can make me ask how high when he says jump, it can never be just work. 

I make my way from baggage claim in more time than I’m hoping for. By the time I’m headed toward the van that’s supposed to be waiting for me, it’s already ten minutes past the scheduled time Jay had sent me. Granted, I don’t think he’d leave me, but I’m not really wanting to make a late entrance. It’s the first time I’m meeting a majority of the H1gher music team and I want to get in and out as seamlessly as possible. At least with them, there’s no backstory. They didn’t see Jay and I sneak in and out of each other’s room, walking on the beach late at night, making out at the after parties. I’m just a photographer. That’s all I’m really here for and that’s all they need to know. 

I’m just about to walk outside when one of my bags gets caught on the metal threshold. My foot follows causing me to trip slightly and let go of the bag. I bend down to pick it up but someone beats me to it. A tattooed hand that looks way too familiar for my benefit. My gaze follows up his arm, hoping that maybe some other pale-skinned guy has gotten the same tattoos as Jay Park and is standing in front of me. 

Of course, I was bound to run into him. I just wasn’t expecting to see him while I smell like hours of travel and looked less than appealing. I know that it shouldn’t matter what I look like to him. He’s in the past, well at least his opinion is. Still, I feel my eyes roll inwardly at my luck as I finally land on his light brown eyes and chiseled jaw. 

“Eden,” his mouth pulls into one of those heart stopping small smiles and I want to get back on the next plane to L.A. I can’t do this. Not when he looks better than the last time I’ve seen him, which seems both impossible and unfair. 

His hair falls in his face a bit, his arms are bulkier; straining against the material of his t-shirt, and his mouth just seems more sinful. And I’m....wearing sweats. My frizzy hair is piled into a loose bun on top of my head. And again, I smell like an airplane.  

A hand reaches out to touch my elbow. He catches me, keeping my body upright with only a hand. It’s like a thousand bolts light up my skin. Seeing him again is one thing, having his eyes focused solely on me is another. I watch his eyes take me in. I’ve seen him one time after the tour ended almost six months later and that went just as well as the rest of it just with a lot more screaming and yelling.    I wonder if he thinks I’ve changed in the last year and a half. How different do I look to him? Though I’m younger than him by only almost a decade, back then it just seemed like such a larger gap. 

Maybe it was because I couldn’t really be around him with noticing the differences in our ages. He was twenty-nine, CEO of a company, life already figured out and thriving, and I was...young. At twenty-one, I thought I was an adult. I thought that I had already stepped into grown-up world, but around Jay, I couldn’t help but feel...naive. Like I had so much to learn and he had so much to teach me. 

It’s not that he’d ever done anything to belittle me. In fact, it was the opposite. He’d held me to such a high standard that I felt myself become an adult with him. Not just when he touched me. When he’d asked me about what I wanted to do in life more than anything. When we just...talked. Also, when he touched me too; but that’s an entirely different story that I can’t think about while he looks at me like this. 

“Clumsy,” he smiles at me. 

I pull out of his grip. I want to tell him not to pretend that after spending only a few weeks with me he knows who I am. I want to shake any past memories of the immature me out of his head. 

Instead, I tighten my grip on my suitcases and look at the space between our feet. It’s true. I am clumsy. I always have been, probably always will be. That’s kind of what this feels like, standing here with him. It’s clumsy, uneven, unstable, tethering between self-destruction and gluttony. 

“Will you not say anything?” 

“Hi,” I say lamely. My brows pull in in frustration. At myself mostly. I could’ve said no to all of this. Who are we kidding though? I never would. Not to him. Not when for the past two years this is all I’ve secretly wanted. 

“Hi, Eden,”

“Everyone waiting on me?”

He shakes his head, looking around. His reaches up to guide me out of the way but he’s careful not to touch. He saw me draw my boundaries earlier. Hopefully, he’ll keep them. 

“They’re scattered trying to find bags. Some are in the van sleeping already,”

I nod, unsure of what else to say. 

“Any van ok?” I ask, desperate to get away from him. 

He watches me for a long time before nodding. “Yeah, you’re good to go where ever you want. There should be two vans out front. I think Mina and Jisoo are already ready,”

“Ok thank you,” I slip past him without another word. I don’t think I realize I’m holding my breath until I’ve put a few feet between us. 

I see familiar faces standing near the second white van that’s waiting in a line out front. I pull my stuff with me toward Simon, who spots me almost at the same time as Chase. I liked both of them. Simon was more of a quiet, sit back and watch type while Chase and Jay were the rowdy ones of the three CEOs. Simon holds his arms out, his lips pulling to the side in a small smile. I was the closest to him, having known him before I went on tour with Aomg two years ago. He’s friends with my boss, so whenever he happened to be in L.A for work he’d drop by the studio. 

His arms arm around me squeezing tightly. 

“How do you get sexier  every time I see you?” He asks taking my bags from me and putting them in the bag of the van. 

“It’s just that you’re getting older. Your vision is fading,” I laugh as he pulls me into a headlock. He lets me go but keeps an arm around my shoulders. 

“Hey Chase,” I say, waving at the guy who has his eyes glued to his cellphone. He leans over to peck my cheek. 

“I’m so glad I’m not the only black one here anymore. Not only am I surrounded by Koreans but now it’s Koreans in Italy. I stand out too much,” I laugh and roll my eyes. 

Simon helps me get into the van. Thankfully, it’s a bunch of Aomg guys that I know already. I don’t think I can do introductions while I look like this. Not when they insist on signing attractive people. The guys of Aomg feel like family. They crack jokes about not seeing me for a while, all while skirting around the fact that it’s more than likely their boss’s fault. Still, no one asks and I’m grateful. It’s not until Jay climbs in do we feel any tension. Maybe I’m the only one that feels the difference. Somehow he’d switched with Chase so that it’s him pressed against my side. I look up at him while he turns to laugh with the guys behind us. 

What the hell am I doing?

Jay and I’s story should’ve been ended. The time we spent together for a month traveling around the US two years ago, ended. Whatever feelings I thought I had, or whatever I thought would happen after, obviously didn’t. And yet, I feel myself holding on. I feel myself reading into this too much. 

It's just a job, Eden. Don’t fuck yourself up again over this guy.

I’m in a constant battle with myself. Pre-warning my heart to stay objective. To remember why he’s not the one for me. But I’m here. I came all because he called. I could twist that and turn it any way I wanted; the truth is that he still owns me. 

I’m in my thoughts for most of the ride to the Villa we’re all supposed to be staying at. I’m caught between scolding myself and trying my hardest not to react whenever Jay’s skin comes in contact with mine. I’m failing at both tasks. When we pull up to the house, almost an hour has passed and the sun just about starting to set. I look behind me to see that most of the guys are either on their phones or asleep after the long plane ride. 

We all file out slowly, stretching our limbs out and taking in the huge house in front of us. I feel my fingers itching to pull my camera out to take a picture of the sun setting between the ivory pillars in front of the house. 

Simon interrupts my gazing as he addresses all of us in Korean. Of course, I have no idea what he’s actually saying. I glance at Chase who’s not paying attention. I’m sure he already knows what the plan is. I look over at Jay. His eyes are already on me. I drop my gaze quickly and squeeze my eyes shut. Why am I torturing myself? I could be home right now, on the beach, thousands of miles away from Jay Park. 

Everyone starts grabbing luggage and dispersing. I thank Simon as he rolls my stuff out to me. When the vans leave, it’s just Jay and I lagging behind. I have a feeling he’s purposely lingering. 

“Can we talk?” He asks too hopefully. 

Why can’t I just tell him no? Why does every word he says pushes me into action? He’s just a guy. I’d given him too much dominion over my heart and body. To much power for him to say move whenever he wants. 

“Sure,” I whisper. 

He reaches out and pulls one of my suitcases toward him. We walk slowly behind everyone else, talking lowly. Everyone’s so excited to get into the house. I admit that I am too. The front is filled with lush green bushes and y’all pillars. Lanterns hang from each one connected by hanging lights leading up to the door. A small fountain takes up the center forcing the path made of pebbles to circle around it before joining back together. It’s really too beautiful for words. It just looks like someone is supposed to fall in love in front of it. 

“Thank you for helping me,” he tells me. “I know that you’ve been busy, but I appreciate it,”

I push the loose hair out of my face, my eyes dropping from his. I can only take the heat in his gaze for so long before I combust. I’m not willing to fall apart in the front of a romantic villa in the most romantic city in the world. I won’t give him that much power, especially not on day one. 

“No problem,” I clear my throat and reach out to wrap my hand around the handle of my suitcase he’d been rolling. Not paying attention, he thinks the case is dropping and wraps his own hand around mine to keep it from falling to the ground. 

Skin contact has always been my weakest point. I think I love it too much. He looks down at his hand against mine and squeezes gently before letting go. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, willing away thoughts of his hands. God, I’m actually pathetic. I have to behave. There’s no choice in the matter. I will not go down the same road with Jay Park. I have to have at least a little self-preservation. 

I pull in a shaky breath, drawing strength from the memories of everything that happened after the tour. It won’t happen again, Eden.

“I missed-,”

I don’t let him finish. I raise my voice to speak over him. He can’t finish the sentence. Not when I’m failing so hard at forcing my heart to be good. “I’m going to go get cleaned up. There should be an email in reply to your company itinerary you sent me in about thirty minutes after with the individual shots and group shots,” I nod awkwardly and begin making my way to my room. 

“Eden,”

I ignore how good it sounds to hear him say my name when it’s all I’ve wanted to hear for so long and pull my suitcases along with me. My room is upstairs near the girls’ room. I expect to share with at least one other person, but with the twins rooming together and the only female artist flying in for the last few days of the trip, I’m on my own for now. 

My room is just as pretty as the rest of the house. With only a large bed and a vanity in the corner, the room feels huge. There’s tons of space; too much for me alone. I sit on the bed, looking down at my phone. We’re all supposed to meet for dinner downstairs. Apparently, the bosses set up a dinner for our first night here. Bless them. I’m too tired to try and figure out what I’ll eat and communicate with the locals. 

I get up to shower and try to look like a human at least for the rest of the night. I pull on a pair of jeans and a shirt that looks decent enough to eat in a villa in Rome. Still, I feel immensely underdressed. My job is to take pictures of pretty people not to try and look like them. 

Taking out my phone again, I sync my schedule for the next few days with the one Jay sent me. They want to completely redo the aomg website with updated pictures for the artists as well as work on one for h1gher music. As cool as it is to be in Rome, I still have a lot of work to do this week. I head downstairs, running into Jisoo who links her arm around mine as we make our way to the table. She has me laughing by the time we join everybody and take our seats. Everyone filters in quickly, talking loudly in both English and Korean. 

Jay comes in last, his eyes glued to his phone. I can’t take my eyes off of him no matter how much I need too. His hair is gelled back out of his face, a satin patterned shirt is thrown overtop a white tank top with one side tucked into his jeans. 

He takes the seat right across from me, forcing our eyes to hold each other. I look away first but I can still feel the heat of his eyes on me. I try to ignore it, introducing myself to some of the guys who I’ve never met that sit around me. The food comes out soon after. The dinner table is chaotic as expected. With both his companies here, there’s a lot of conversations being carried all at once. Everyone is excited to get time to be together for a few days even if it’s still for work. The H1gher music guys and the Aomg crew all get along well, anybody looking from the outside wouldn’t be able to tell who is who. It’s a good atmosphere, but I still can’t relax. All I feel is Jay’s eyes on me from across the table. He doesn’t even try to hide his stare when our eyes meet. The corner of his mouth pulls up slightly but other than that, it’s all I get from him. 

“I can’t believe we’re on a family vacation,” Jisoo sighs bumping against my arm with a smile. 

I roll my eyes. “Family vacation?”

“It feels like it,” Mina chimes in from the other side of me. 

Sitting in the middle of both of them is such a blow to my already fragile complex. The twins seem to go to great lengths to seem identical. Both have long dark hair that shines entirely too bright to be natural. At this point, a lot of things are creepily similar. I guess it’s their charm. Regardless, they’re both insanely gorgeous. 

I got to know both of them when they were styling the Aomg tour and we stayed close. Whenever they make it to L.A, we catch up. Between the two of them, they make both companies look good. Being a stylist to at least twenty individuals with different styles has to be a lot of work. 

“Eden,” Chase says loudly. Most eyes swing to my face. I feel the heat rise toward the apples of my cheeks and up my neck. There’s too many unfamiliar faces for me to feel comfortable. 

“What have you been up to? It’s been a while since we last saw you,”

Two years, Chase.

I clear my throat searching for an answer better than my reality. I’ve been working. That’s pretty much it. Trying to fill my schedule up so that I don’t remember that I’m too young to feel so completely alone. 

“I’ve been traveling for work,” I finally say after taking a sip of wine. 

“So, Italy isn’t anything special for you?” He laughs along with a few more people. 

“Rome for a whole week is,” I say trying to sound light and breezy.

“Where have you been?” Someone asks. It’s Gray. Another person I’ve met before. He’s always seemed kind, quiet even. Pretty nonetheless. 

“I’m usually bouncing between New York and L.A., but I do get to go on trips every once and a while. Last month I was in London, before that I spent a half day in China, I also did Amsterdam a few months ago,”

Luckily that’s all I’m asked before the food is brought out and several conversations start up again. Mina and Jisoo fill me in on their lives but I don’t catch half of it because they insist on speaking at the same time. As much as the girls and a few of the guys around us are entertaining, it’s impossible to forget Jay. I’m aware of each time he opens his mouth to speak. When he laughs, I find myself focusing on the sound. It’s only infatuation, I remind myself. 

After dinner, I try not to linger, no matter how much the girls ask me to stick around. I say goodnight to everyone, promising to catch up with Mina and Jisoo tomorrow. 

The walk back to my wing of the villa seems long. The house is too big for its own good. The fact that guys could afford this isn’t that surprising neither is the fact that they’re treating everyone. I’ve always tried not to dwell too much on where   Jay’s money ended and company funds started, but I always found it interesting. He’s so young and he’s managing it all almost on his own. Once in my room, I slip my sandals off and pull at the fabric of my top, ready to take it off when someone knocks on my door. 

I pull the door open slowly afraid that there’s other housekeeping rules someone forgot to tell me or someone bringing me something I forgot at the table. 

Unfortunately, it’s neither. 

It’s Jay. 

Of course, it is. I don’t know how I expected this trip to not be exactly like last time; how I  didn’t expect him to be exactly the same. Late night visits like this eventually turned into sharing a room by the end of the month last time. That could absolutely not happen. 

“Did you need something?” I ask not stepping out. I can feel my forehead wrinkle with a frown. Surely he was getting that I really didn’t want him here. Actually, I’m still undecided if I even want to be here. 

“We need to talk,” he tells me. He reaches up running a hand over the back of his next. “I mean for real, Eden. Not that surface bullshit,”

I feign ignorance, raising my eyebrows. “Is there a conflict with the schedule? I tried to make sure nothing overlapped. I’ll have to take a look at it again-,”

“Eden,” he interrupts, smiling softly. He pushes the same hand through his dark hair, his eyes focusing on me. 

“The schedule is perfect. I could’ve emailed you about it if that was the case. I’m talking about us; about you avoiding me,”

“I’m not avoiding you. What do you want me to do, climb back in your bed?” I snap without really meaning to. 

“You won’t even talk with me for more than five minutes, Eden,”

I sigh rubbing at my temples and squeezing my eyes shut to keep from staring at him. Everything about him right now draws me in. He’s a weakness. 

“There should be nothing to talk about outside of working, Jay. You asked me to come so I’m here,”

“I missed you,” he says drawing closer. I feel the heat roll off of his body and slam into mine. “I really fucking missed you,”

“Jay-,”

“You can tell if I’m lying, Eden. I missed you so much that I couldn’t stop thinking about what to say when I saw you again,”

I don’t know what to say. I’m honestly too tired to say anything that I’ll be satisfied with in the morning. I should just say goodnight and shut the door. But I can’t. 

“You look good,” he says quietly.

He tucks his hands into his pockets and leans against the wall beside my door. If I had my camera around my neck, I swear I’d take his picture. Even now, when I’m trying my best to not be affected, he’s too beautiful.

I shake my head at him. 

“We’re not doing this, Jay,”

He looks down at the ground for a second. His head nods like he’s understanding something. Maybe he’s finally getting just how serious this is to me. If I fall back into line with him, just because he looks good and feels good, what does that make me? 

“I can’t tell you that you look good?” He asks me seriously, looking at me like it’s an innocent question. 

“I’m here for work. I’m here because you asked me for a favor and for some stupid reason that’s none of your business anymore, I’m here. I’m working. I’m having fun with friends-“

“And I’m not included in that?” He interrupts. 

“No, Jay. We’re not friends. Frankly, I don’t think I can be friends with you,” He crosses his arms across his own chest. His jaw tightens, and for the first time, he’s showing me something. He’s giving me something other than the slight indifference I’ve gotten for years now. 

“I don’t know what I did wrong, Eden. I guess that’s what’s part of the problem right?” He laughs humorlessly. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. But I can’t fix it until we talk. Until we figure out how we feel-,”

“Felt,” I whisper. 

I feel my eyes start to burn, and I’ll be damned if I cry in front of him. 

“It’s done. Whatever could have been is done and I want to get through these next couple of days as smoothly as possible without remembering-,” I stop myself, tilting my head willing away tears that come anyway. My fingers swipe under my eyes refusing to let them fall. Not until he leaves.

My breathing is shaky and unstable as I sigh. Still, I push through. I don’t think anyone really knows the extent that we hurt people until we hear them saying it. I don’t want to be misconstrued. I’m not a fan of hiding really. Not when it matters. 

“I won’t pretend that when I look at you, pieces of me doesn’t still think about where we could’ve been but it’s over. I don’t want to fix anything. I want to work. So, we’re not going there again. I’m just uninterested in feeling like that again,”

I wrap my arms around myself. “I’m honored you trust me enough with such a big project, but that all it is ok? We’re working,”

“No,” 

I don’t know what I expected him to say, but it was far from the simple single word. 

“You can act like I can’t see you all you want Eden, but you’re here. And that means something. So I’m going to cling to that and figure out how to show you that I’ve never wanted to not be with you. Even now that’s all I think about, all the fucking time. I still feel what I felt the last time we were together. I still want to be with you,”

My mouth opens the protest but he interrupts.  

“I won’t force you into anything you don’t want, and I won’t be unprofessional when it’s time to work, but I feel like this is my last chance with you Eden. I’m not going to waste it,”

He leans in, a hand on my elbow again. His mouth draws closer until it brushes so lightly over my cheek that I’m not even sure if he touches me or not. He lingers in my space for a beat too long before he turns and leaves me standing in the doorway. 

If I was smart, this would be easy. I would stay in my room or explore the city on my own when I wasn’t needed to work. But I’ve been known to make rash, emotion-driven decisions. 

Let’s just hope this week doesn’t do any more damage than what I came with.

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 2

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 2 of 7 

Word-Count: 5k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

Genre: Angst

Cover made by @obiwon-shenobi​

“Fuck,” 

Being this close to him has officially ruined me, once again. I wake up with my hands clinging to the sheets and my lip painfully wedged between my teeth. The image of Jay’s hands running across my skin still lingers. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know just how good he is at what he does. And God do I know. 

I roll my eyes at myself already done with my behavior and it’s not even, I roll over to look at my phone, seven o’clock yet. I have no one to blame. I brought this on myself. All I can do is fucking deal with it. Starting with pretending that I didn’t wake up mid-sex dream about my ex-fling who’s sleeping just a few rooms down from me. 

I have about an hour and a half before eight, when I have to be up and outside so I can shoot with the groovy-room guys, Gyu-Jung and Hwi-min. I remember walking past a gym downstairs. I’m hoping I can at least run my frustration out or this day is headed straight to hell. 

I get up and pull on some leggings and a sports bra before grabbing a towel and heading downstairs quietly. The house is eerie so early in the morning. Each step I make echoes in the big hallways. Thankfully the door to the gym is left wide open and it’s empty. I plug my earphones in and tuck my phone in my pocket. 

For the next hour, I work out the fact that I want to spend the rest of the day in Jay’s bed and recount all the reasons that could absolutely not happen. 

“You look stressed,” 

I turn at the sound of Chase’s voice. 

“Nope, not stressed at all,” I give him a tight-lipped smile. My steps start to feel heavier as I turn up the speed. Totally not stressed. 

“It’s not healthy to avoid your problems, Eden. Especially when he’s Jay Park. The man doesn’t give up,”

“He’s not a problem,” I breathe out. 

You would think the fact that I’m wearing headphones is a clear indicator not to talk to me, but at last, here we are. Running away from my sex dreams only to have his best friend show up. 

“He just needs to learn that not everybody is cool with being walked over just because he’s who he is,” 

“You know him, Eden. He’s not going to give up until he knows a hundred and ten percent that you’re done with him,”

“I’ve said it, Chase. I can say it until I’m fucking blue in the face and he’ll still be like ‘We’re meant to be together. I’m going to be with you whether you like it or not’,” I do a poor imitation of Jay’s voice waving my hands around dramatically like he does. 

“First of all, his voice isn’t even that deep. Secondly, you’re here,” he sighs. I bat his hand away as he leans over to stop my machine but he’s stronger. My legs come to a stop and feel like jelly. I use the handles on the treadmill to hold myself up.  

“You can’t tell me you don’t want him to try. You wouldn’t be here if that was the case. You want him to change your mind,”

Fuck. I hate being transparent. I hate when other people know me better than I know myself. 

“Did he send you here to spy on me?” I frown trying to change the subject.

Chase smiles. “He’s my best friend, Eden. Even if he didn’t beg me to try and pick your brain a bit then I’d still be down here with a PowerPoint on why you should give him another chance,” 

I get off of the treadmill and use a disinfectant wipe to wipe it down before tossing it.

 “I swear you guys are worse than gossiping females,”

“Guys fall in love to, Eden,” he notes tilting his head. 

I scoff. “Love?”

“Yeah. He loves you. He’s probably just admitting to himself now but he does. He wouldn’t have gone through all of that bullshit with Simon,”

“Simon?” I interrupt. “What does he have to do with this?”

Chase sighs. “Simon sees you as a friend. You guys are close. He takes your side no matter what. He just really wanted Jay to leave you alone. And you know Jay. He doesn’t listen to anyone,”

I groan. “Tell me they didn’t fight,”

“No, it was just a little tense for a while. I think he saw how much Jay actually likes you,”

“I gotta go,” I sigh wiping my forehead with my towel. 

Chase shrugs. “Just try not to hold it in and maybe talk to him. Or at least think about it, Eden,”

“I don’t have a choice,” I mutter to myself. 

The shoot with the groovy room boys comes and goes. It’s my first one on one meeting with a h1gher music artist. They’re fun and I’m laughing for most of the shoot. It takes my mind off of their boss for a few hours. After a while, it doesn’t even feel like work.

When we get back to the villa, everybody is busy. Some go out to explore the city, some make use of the makeshift studio set up upstairs in one of the more further rooms. I run into Jay, but even he seems busy, his phone pressed against his ear and sparing me nothing more than a small smile. 

I spend time going through the photos I took. I separate them between solo and group shots and send them to my boss in L.A for editing. This is one of our biggest projects and if it wasn’t for the fact that I had time to dedicate the week to shooting, there would be no way we could get it done by the deadline they’d set. 

I’m looking through my camera at the three guys. It’s not fair that they’re all just so...them. Jay and Chase are silly, playful in front of the camera making every shot I take just seen so light. Then there’s Simon. He laughs and jokes back and forth with the guys but there’s still a quiet presence about him that screams ‘I’m the boss,’. 

It’s weird to see the juxtaposition, but it works. All of it does. The old buildings, the deep colors surrounding us, the ocean in the background. It all works with the three guys. 

They pose without much direction from me and honestly, it makes the shoot fly through. For being only the second group shot, it’s going easier than I had expected. I’ve known for a while their all professionals but I appreciate it even more as we work on my planned shots and trade ideas back and forth. By the end of the three hour time that I blocked off, I’ve gotten hundreds of good pictures to choose from. 

The sun has gone down and none of us have eaten anything other than the cheese and bread we’d stopped for earlier. Chase is complaining about hunger pains while rubbing his flat stomach while Simon rolls his eyes laughing. “Should we find something on the street?” Simon turns to ask me and Jay. At some point, Jay had reached over to grab my camera bag and it’s slung on his back. He also has my camera in his hand, flipping through today’s work like it’s the most normal thing in the world. I narrow my eyes at the back of his head. None of this is normal. But I’m here already. I have no choice but to just deal. 

“These are really good,” he says turning to look at me. He catches me giving him a dirty look. His mouth pulls into a smile as he shakes his head. This must be really hard for him, not getting what he wants.  I’m promising to stick to my guns and give him no more leverage.

“I’m a professional photographer,” I deadpan. 

I don’t know if it’s me who matches my strides with his or if he’s slowed down but we’re walking side by side now. Our shoulders bump against each other with each step but I can’t find it in myself to pull back. 

“I miss your smart ass mouth,” he laughs loudly. 

“I’m just saying,” I say quietly. “I mean, you are paying me to take pictures. That’s like the main reason that I’m here other than a pretty cheap vacation in Rome,”

Jay sighs and reaches over to gently set my camera back around my neck. He pulls my curls out from underneath the cord and pushes stray locks out of my face. 

He’s always been attentive; pushing hair out of my face, holding my hand tightly when I walked in heels that were a bit too high, warming me up when he’d noticed goosebumps. 

“That’s not the only reason you’re here,” he says smugly. 

“Oh yeah?” I roll my eyes but don’t give him the chance to elaborate that he waits for. 

He takes it anyway. 

“You should know that I don’t mess around when it comes to you, Eden,”

“Yeah, except when we say no expectations, right?”

I don’t know where it comes from. He immediately recognizes the stupid promise we made when he first started to mess around. 

No expectations. No pressure.

It didn’t last. Maybe it’s my fault. I had expectations, hope for us that I wanted. And for the majority of the time, I seemed like maybe we were on the same page. It’s amazing what will come out of the dark when it’s time.  

“Careful Eden, you’re about a sentence away from sounding like you care about me again,”

I stop walking. He’s unbelievable. Yeah, it’s my fault that I thought that maybe there was something more than fucking after shows and alcohol infused kisses. I looked too deep. But, I will not be blamed for anything besides my feelings alone. 

“Please, stop talking to me,” I sigh. 

“Why are you being so difficult?”

“Because I’m very uninterested in playing your games, Jay,”

He laughs. “My games? I’ve been nothing but straight up with you. You’re the one who-,”

“God, you are so fucking selfish,” I say. I don’t bother lowering my voice. I don’t even have it in me to glance at Chase and Simon who’ve stopped walking and focused their attention on me. “Don’t you dare blame me for any of your messy shit,”

My skin feels like fire. Like I’m burning up. All of me. And it’s because of him. Because he doesn’t get it. Because for some reason it’s acceptable for him to be a child. It’s not my responsibility to coddle him, to spell out all the ways he hurt me when it’s as clear as water. 

“How am I selfish, Eden. I’m trying so fucking hard with you, and you’re giving me nothing,”

“I don’t want you to. I’m telling you that I want you to just fucking stop. Stop with the sly remarks about how you miss me, stop trying to win me back because I was obviously never yours to begin with,”

He steps closer to me, closing the distance between us. I see Chase shift uncomfortably but I can’t feel bad right now. Not when I feel like he’s cutting my air off. I shouldn’t have come. I can’t keep saying it because it’ll remain the same no matter what, but I shouldn’t be here. 

“You were never mine, Eden?”

I ignore his question and brush past him. He grabs my wrist stopping me. “Tell me what I did,”

A stream of everything I’ve been holding in comes out like a train going full speed right at Jay. I can’t stop it. 

“You’re a liar and you’re a cheater. You needed easy. And fucking twenty one year old naive me was so easy for you,”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jay exclaims. His voice rises too and I have to resist the urge to shrink back. “I never cheated on you,” 

I scoff, shaking my head at him. “You’re right. We were never together. You can’t cheat on people you’re hooking up with. And technically, I never asked if there was someone else. You’re right,”

I walk past him. 

“The next time you manipulate someone into falling in love with you Jay, make sure your fucking girlfriend doesn’t come visit you on tour,”

I leave them all standing there. 

Maybe blowing up in the middle of Rome wasn’t the ideal situation. Maybe I could’ve handled it better but I’ve been a volcano for years now. It was only a matter of time. 

Ten minutes of walking later, it’s dark and I’m lost. I’ve also been crying like an idiot. I must look like a child. I feel like one too. Nothing looks familiar but I don’t have any particular urge to go back to the villa yet. 

“Hey,” It’s Simon. He’s been walking with me, quietly keeping his distance while I silently curse out his friend. “Why are you guys so dysfunctional,” he sighs jogging to catch up to me. His arm comes around my shoulder pulling me out of the way of a cyclist. 

“Did you know he was dating someone at the same time that we-,”

I don’t know how to finish the sentence. What were we, really? We weren’t together, the mutual promise of no expectations or pressure made sure that we got nowhere near labels. But it was something, right? Shit, I’m a mess. 

“No,” he shakes his head. “He wasn’t with anyone. He doesn’t date on tour. It gets messy,”

“Like this,” I say rolling my eyes. “But she came. I literally laid eyes on her when she came to visit him the last week of the tour and again when she was leaving. I didn’t know who she was until after the fact,”

“Eden, she’s just a girl,” he sighs. “Listen, it’s really none of my business but you’re hurting and that’s my business. He wouldn’t have done that to you,”

“How do you know,” I shoot at him.   

“He’s in love with you, Eden. It’s been two years, and you’re still the one he wants above anybody else,”

I frown, crossing my arms over my chest. “And I’m supposed to just pretend that everything is fine so that he can once again have what he wants,”

“No, you should work it out with him because it’s what you came here to do. Whatever you saw, talk to him about it. Give him a chance to explain himself and then make your decision,”

That’s all either of us say about Jay. We stop at a restaurant and grab a slice of pizza and share a cup of peach gelato, typical touristy things. By the time we get back to the villa is nearing nine and I’m tired and stuffed. I say goodnight to Simon and head upstairs. 

Kicking my shoes off, it’s not long before I’m passed out across my bed. It’s even shorter than that when dream-Jay comes back. This time he’s rough and frustrated. His hand moves too hard against my skin while his mouth bites at my neck. Just when his hips are getting ready to press against mine, my phone rings. 

I blindly reach for it, finding it somewhere near my thigh. 

“Hello,”

“Are you ok?”

I hate that it’s the first thing he asks me. I hate that despite everything, I know he cares. Whether it’s his pride or his heart, there’s a part of him that cares. The fact that it gives my heart a little hope lets me know how stupid I am when it comes to him. 

“I’m fine,”

“Eden,” he starts. He sighs. “I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone. Let me see you,”

I scrub my hands over my face. I’m so tired. I think this trip is about being done with him once and for all. 

“I’m torturing myself,” I say quietly. “I know how stupid it is for me to want to be here with you. Despite everything,”

He’s quiet, listening. 

“I’m making a fool of myself, aren’t I? Pretending that I don’t care, acting like I don’t want this even a little bit,”

I hear him blow a breath out. I’m stressing him out, I guess. 

“Let me take you somewhere. I want to make sure you’re good,”

“I’m fine,” I insist again. “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,”

“I don’t care about that. What you said, about you being easy, you know that’s bullshit. I can’t,” he pauses. 

It sounds like he pulls the phone away from his ear as he curses. 

“Let’s not do this tonight, Jay,”

“Then when?”

“Never,” I sigh. “We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to recount all that shit just so I can stop feeling sorry for myself,”

“No, we need to talk about our shit so that we can move forward. I want to be with you, Eden. I can’t spell it out anymore clearer than that. I want to leave here knowing that you’re mine again. Whatever work I have to put in, I’m here. I’m ready,”

I sigh, pulling my blanket over my head and kicking my feet like a toddler. This is frustrating. That he knows all the right things to say is utterly and completely frustrating. That I’m falling for it again is...frustrating. 

“Open the door, Eden,”

“What door?”

I hear him laugh softly. A gentle knock has me rolling my eyes. What he wants..he gets I guess. I pull on a pair of sweats and crack my room door open. 

He changed out of his clothes from earlier into joggers and a hoodie. The hood is pulled up over his head and his hands tuck in his pockets. I want to reach out. He just looks so boyish, charming. Like he’s at my window begging me to sneak out past curfew. 

“I’m taking you to the Trevi Fountain,” he says. 

“It’s like ten o’clock,” I whisper tiredly. If there’s one thing he knows about me, it’s that I don’t do particularly well when people pull me out of bed. As much as I do want to see the fountain, it’s fucking ten o’clock. 

“I know, Baby, but I want to take you to see it,” he insists smiling excitedly at me. 

I freeze at the endearment. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me. I mean, I do but it’s hard to build my walls up at ten o’clock. I can’t be held accountable for any of my actions if I go with him. 

“Jay, I told you we aren’t doing this,”

“And I told you that this is my last chance with you. If you thought this was going to be easy, you don’t know me,”

I sigh and close the door. My head leans against it as I put off making the decision we both know I’m going to make. 

“Bring your camera,” I hear him say through the door. 

I don’t know what pisses me off more; the fact that he just knows that I’ll come out with him or the fact that I immediately turn around and take my camera off of the charger and put an empty SD card in. I pull a hoodie on and a pair of jeans and grab my purse. 

When I open the door, Jay pulls my hand into his and leaned me through the house and through the front door. I’m looking for a car but he just keeps walking until he’s pulling me along on the side of the road. 

“Is this your way of forcing me to talk to you?”

“Mhmm,” he nods. His fingers tighten around mine and I don’t have it in me to pull free. 

“We’ll talk. Not about us. About all the other stuff,”

I need to hear it from him. I don’t even think he knew that I was aware of the existence of the other girl he’d been with until today. 

“We never broke up,” he says quietly. “And that’s my bad. I should’ve sorted out my shit before getting with you. I just didn’t expect to meet someone else. We never ended anything because at the end of tour we always ended up back together,”

He fingers tighten around mine. He lifts my hand to his lips to kiss the back of it. It’s too familiar. It’s the affection I’ve been craving for too long. 

“But trust me, when me and you got together it was never my intention to only have you temporarily. You were it for me,”

“But you did go back to her,” I point out, remembering him in my apartment almost six months after I promised myself I was done. All it took was one drunk call and he’d been at my bed in L.A, kissing me like he’d been starved. I woke up to his phone ringing, and her flashing face probably wondering where he was. 

Needless to say, that visit ended with his phone flying out of my door after him and more than a few choice colorful words. My apartment was a mess by the end of it and my voice had gone hoarse from screaming at him. 

“You weren’t answering my calls, texts, and she was familiar. I was terrible to her from the time you ended things up until the day I showed up at your apartment. I put everything on her. It wasn’t fair to both of you,”

We walk silently, both of us caught in our heads. He’s to blame for all of it. It’s all on him. He didn’t technically cheat on anyone. He didn’t technically lie either. But, unfortunately technicalities don’t matter when it comes to the heart.  

“I want to believe you so bad,” I say honestly. I do. I want to believe that he never wanted to hurt me, but the fact remains that he did. 

“I fucked up so bad, Eden. I’m just asking you to try,” he says almost pleadingly. 

I’m trapped. I can’t give him an answer right now. Not when it feels like I’m slicing open an old wound. 

“Jay, you pulled me out here to see the fountain. Let’s just see the fountain,” I say trying to pull my hand out of his. 

He holds me tighter and stops walking. 

“I need you to know that I never tried to hurt you. I mean I know, I could’ve been less messy but I chose you. It wasn’t even a choice really. The minute I met you, I was done. I’m-,” he stops mid-sentence. His chin drops down to his chest.

I can’t talk about this now. Not when we still have five more days to be in each other’s space. He must sense that we’ll get nowhere on the subject tonight because he starts walking again, my fingers locked tightly in his. We walk in silence for close to fifteen minutes before either of us says anything. He’s somewhere lost in his head. His brows curl together, his mouth twisting to the side. 

“I missed you too,” I whisper suddenly. 

I don’t know why I’m saying it. It just makes all of this even messier. I think when you care about people, truly, you try to keep them from hurting as much as you can help it. I know it’s what he wants to hear, or it’s at least part of it. I can give that to him at least. I want to erase the deep frown from his face. 

Jay stays quiet but he pulls me close, an arm coming around my neck. We probably look like a cute couple strolling down an Italian dirt road. It’s the most intimate we’ve been in more than a year. 

“What if we get robbed,” I blurt out. 

He laughs next to me. “The van’s been trailing us for a while now. You just haven’t noticed,”

I look behind me to see that a white van has indeed been following us. This is why he’s bad for me. He’s got all of my attention. 

“We’re almost there,” he says. 

“What made you want to come here so late?” I ask. 

“It’s romantic,” he says simply. “I’m not playing, Eden. I’m going to be the most romantic mother fucker in the world to get you back,”

“Why,” I roll my eyes pretending not to care. 

But I need this. I need him to describe all the ways I’m still on his mind. I want him to tell me exactly which parts of me still pique his interest two years later. We’d only been fooling around for a couple of weeks, but it was every day. Every day he spent hours telling me how crazy he was about my body, my mouth and everything else. 

The fountain comes into view. It’s too beautiful for words, and with the moonlight bouncing off the water, it truly looks like something from out of mythology books. I feel like a damn water nymph is going to pop out from behind the marble statues. 

I lift my camera and start clicking almost immediately. Jay’s in a majority of them. He’s leaning over the edge of the fountain, looking up at the moon, looking at me, walking toward me, reaching out to grab my hand. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he says drawing closer. 

“You have a smart mouth that used to piss me off and turn me on at the same time. You’re smart and passionate, and sexy as hell. We match in every way,” His hand settles on my hip as he pulls me close. My chest presses against his, my hand clutches the material of his hoodie for some faux semblance of a bit of control. 

“I need you in my life, Eden. I’ve seen myself without you, I’ve felt it. And I don’t want to do it anymore,”

He smiles suddenly, nearly knocking me on my ass. 

“I’m trapped,”

“And what if I forgive you, that doesn’t mean that we’re automatically in a relationship. 

“Last night, you told me we weren’t friends and at first I thought that I was ok with that because I was never interested in being friends with you,” I feel his breath fan across my mouth. 

He’s too close. I  trust myself less than I trust him. If these dreams keep popping up I think I’ll have to be on the next flight home just to keep myself from touching him. My grip on his jacket tightens as I force myself to keep my distance. 

“But,” He continues. “You don’t trust me. And if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re physically attracted to me, I’d think you didn’t even like me,”

Jay draws in a deep breath. I feel his arms come up to wrap around my waist slowly. I can’t tell him not to. All of my concentration has to be on not touching kissing him. 

“So we’ll just be friends for now. For tonight and maybe a little bit of tomorrow. I only have this week with you so excuse me if it feels like I’m rushing this a bit,” “Friends don’t take their friends out to the trevi fountain in the middle of the night and stand this close, Jay,”

He smiles and I swear my heart drops out of my chest and falls right into the water next to us. I’m doomed. It’s only day two but I’m in for it, I just know. 

“Best friends then, Eden. You’ve officially replaced Chase,”

“So we get to talk about boys and do each other’s nails?”

He lets me go and pulls back. I miss his body pressed against mine. I can admit that. I also miss the feeling of almost kissing him. I tuck my hands in my pockets to keep from pulling him back in my space. 

“You’re really a pain in the ass,” he laughs. 

I watch him push his hand into his pockets. He pulls out a fist full of change and gestures for me to hold my hands out. I take half of the pile. 

“I figured, why make one wish, right? One’s bound to come true,”

I can’t help but smile at him. I close my eyes and wish. I wish for small things like my hair turning out ok tomorrow, and for the lightning to be good for the CEO shots. But I also wish for big things like hoping we all make it home safely after the trip. I also wish for him. I wish that if it’s meant to be him, we can figure it all out. 

When I’m done I look up at him. His eyes are closed tightly while he throws each of the remaining coins in one by one. His pink lips move softly against each other as he speaks each wish into hopeful existence. 

He’s too pretty. Long eyelashes that almost brush his cheeks. Shard cheekbones and a jawline that cuts at a severe angle. I can’t blame myself for being a mess over him. I take a picture of him quickly before the moment passes. 

When his eyes open, he sees me staring up at him. He looks too good for me to look away. I reach out for him first. I wrap my arms around his back. This is what I want. I could lie to myself but it won’t change the fact that at the end of every day for the last two years, this has been what I wanted. 

“I’ll give you until the end of the week,” I tell him. “Convince me or let me go, Jay,”

His arms come up around me too. His chin rests on my shoulder as he pulls me close. His head turns and his lips press softly against my neck. “I told you making a lot of wishes at once would be a good idea. One already came true,” he says against my skin.

“What did you wish for,” I ask scared of what he’ll say. 

His lips press against my skin again and he takes a breath like he’s taking me in. 

“A chance,”

[lady-une]

Rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

Tagged by@kissamd

Tagging: @minvogue @park-jaybum @soul-less23 @aomgworldwide @junghoeseokiemain @diinofayce @fantasyworldbb

Last

1. Drink - strawberry apple juice

2. Phone call - my mom

3. Text message - my work bestie

4. Song you listened to - “Cochino” Dumbfoundead

5. Time you cried - i cant remember how long exactly but that past month for sure

Ever

6. Dated someone twice - sadly yes

7. Kissed someone and regretted it -oh yeah

8. Been cheated on - yes

9. Lost someone special - yeah

10. Been depressed - still dealing with it

11. Got drunk and thrown up - only once

Fave colors

12. black

13. red like blood red

14. blue

15. purple

In the last year have you

16. Made new friends - in person no, online yes

17. Fallen out of love - love is ishy so no

18. Laughed until you cried - lol yes

19. Found out someone was talking about you - yup

20. Met someone who changed you - no

21. Found out who your friends are - i mean i dont really have many in person friends

22. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list - lol yes

General

23. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl - about 80%

24. Do you have any pets - we just got a new puppy named Jezebel aka jazzy jeff aka jazzy j

25. Do you want to change your name - no i like my name

26. What did you do for your last birthday - worked, same thing i do every year

27. What time did you wake up today - 9:45am, its my day off

28. What were you doing at midnight last night - just getting to sleep, i had such a hard time falling asleep.

29. What is something you can’t wait for -moving again

30. What are you listing to now - the tv, shark week is on while i write

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - yeah, my ex’s boss was named Tom.

32. Something that gets on your nerves - people who think they know everything about parenting when they dont have kids. people who think they are always right. people who talk behind your back and plot.

33. Most visited website - tumblr lol

34. Hair colour - brown with golden brown balyage

35. long or short hair - medium?

36. do you have a crush on someone - yeah and he knows and i hate that i have a crush on him.

37. What do you like about yourself - honestly, i hate the way i look but im working on it.

38. Want any piercings - when i lose weight i want to get my belly button done.

39. Blood type - not sure

40. Nicknames - Angel is a nickname that everyone calls me.

41. Relationship status - happily single

42. Zodiac - Sagittarius

43. Pronouns - she/her

44. Favorite tv shows - game of thrones (american) / just between lovers (kdrama)

45. Tattoos - i have three, the supernatural anti possession tat, and infinity symbol with ohana in it, and a crescent moon with a lotus flower on the center.

46. Right or left handed - right handed

47. Ever had surgery - i had my appendix out when i was 11 and i had a c section.

48. Piercings -technically i had 2, my ears and my tongue but i took my tongue one out.

49. Sport - i dont like sports

50. Vacation -dream vacation would be SK, but the only true vacation was vegas

51. Trainers - are we talking shoes? i stay with my tradition black nikes with the white swoosh.

More general

52. Eating - i just ate fajitas for dinner.

53. Drinking - water

54. I’m about to watch - shark week!

55. Waiting for - someone to hire me lol

56. Want - a new job so i can escape to a new life with my kids.

57. Get married - I dont really want to get married, having a man is not a priority in my life.

58. Career - I work in the health industry, thats all Im saying.

Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses - hugs

60. Lips or eyes - lips

61. Shorter or taller - taller

62. Older or younger - older

63. Nice arms or stomach - arms

64. Hookup or relationship - neither? my anxiety is too much for a hookup and relationships sound bad.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger - i mean at that point are they really a stranger anymore? but i guess yes.

67. Drank hard a liquor - yes

68. Lost glasses - lol yes too many times when i was younger

69. Turned someone down - apparently im a tease lol

70. Sex on first date - lol yes, thats a funny story

71. Broken someone’s heart - i guess

72. Had you heart broken - yes

73. Been arrested - i mean i didnt go away with the cops but i did have a juvenile record.

74. Cried when someone died - yes

75. Fallen for a friend - yes

Do you believe in

76. Yourself - not really

77. Miracles - dont exist

78. Love at first sight - you wrote infatuation at first sight wrong lol

79. Santa claus - when i was a kid yes, now im santa lol

80. Kiss on a first date - yes

81. Angels - since i believe in ghosts and such angels also have to be real.

Other

Best friends name - IRL i have no best friend, on here sure its but im not going to say who lol just guess.

Eye color -poopy brown

Favorite movie - its a tie between Monster squad and the original Halloween movie.

Favorite actor - Jared Padalecki (american) / kim woo bin (kdrama)

[lady-une]

11 question

I was tagged by @aomgworldwide to answer her 11 questions and then leave my own 11 questions for the people I tag to answer! I love these games, thanks for tagging me!

1. Where do you store your tomato and bbq sauce?

In the cabinet with the rest of the things we use for cooking lol.

2. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? (Not talking about physical attributes)

Probably my self control/my will to stick with things. I will start things with the best intentions and will stay with it for a bit. But then something will come along and I will stop what I am doing. Or I will do something when I know I probably shouldn't.

3. First movie you remember watching and what are your thoughts on it?

Like the first movie ever? Yikes ummmm..I cant remember what came first out of these three; land before time, monster squad, or Child’s Play. For land before time, its a rather depressing movie and as a parent it makes me afraid to think of myself dying and leaving my kids to go through life alone. Monster squad, this movie is the shit and I still watch it all the time. Child Play, what can I say this is probably not something a small child should watch. Yet my family never had a problem with us laying in bed with our my buddy doll as we watched a movie about said doll coming to life and killing people.

4. What do you regret most?

I regret the whole study abroad thing. I was given the chance to go to Japan and study for a year and I said no. I was scared, I had never been away from my family like EVER. Plus it was between my Junior and Senior year of high school. I wish I would have said yes, my life would be so different from what it is now. I could have a better job and feel more accomplished. But on the downside I would never had met the father to my two older kids and they wouldn't be here. Which means I also would never have been put in the place to meet the father to my younger two kids. I love my kids, but I still wonder what would have been.

5. List 3 things you are proud of.

I graduated with a bachelors degree while working full time and raising 4 kids, one of which was a newborn.

That the mini has been on “A” honor roll for the past 3 years.

That my kids are respectful and not like some kids out there.

6. Tell me about your day.

It’s good, I am packing the rest of our stuff before we move this weekend. I made this stupid picture that made my girl laugh. Oh I got asked out by this one guy, not sure how I feel since I am anti dating. Oh and I keep rewatching the videos from dumb’s concert.

7. Name one thing you miss from your childhood.

Not paying bills and being able to sleep in.

8. Childhood celebrity crush?

Devon Sawa and David Duchovny

9. If you’re getting a tattoo, what would you get and where?

I actually have a few tats I am planning but I have to wait until I lose weight. I have a massive back tattoo i want of a cherry blossom tree with a dragon climbing it. I also want to get a dragon coming out of clouds on my lower stomach to cover my c section scar. After I get either a boob lift or what ever I want to get something that will go under them to cover the scars. I am also getting a matching tat with the mini when she turns 18, thats still undecided as to what we are getting.

10. If you’re in an alternate universe, what would you being doing right as of this moment?

What kind of universe? Ummmm in my dream land I am at home watching my kids play in the back yard while my twin babies are sleeping. I am laughing and recording a video of my son chasing his little sister around with his stuff wolf pretending that she is little red riding hood. Once she escapes the wolf and is safe in the play house I stop recording it and send it to their dad dumb who is touring. He loves getting these videos so he isnt as home sick.

11. Give me some advice? Please?

Live for yourself. We often give and give to make others happy and to please our loved ones that we forget about ourselves. Take a half hour a day at least to do something that makes you happy. Even if its to just read something, watch a video, or to soak in the bathtub with a glass of wine. If we don't remember to make ourselves happy then how are we going to find the energy and the drive to make others happy?

I am tagging @obiwon-shenobi @park-jaybum @x-missmarvel-x @diinofayce @soul-less23 @ssamdominic @khhunniemain @leyarren You guys dont have to do if you dont want to. But here are my questions.

What was the last thing that made you smile?

What is your happiest memory?

If you had to pick between a date with your favorite actor or musician who would it be?

What is your ultimate hands down favorite TV show or movie?

What is your dream job?

If you had to pick between 5 million dollars and your favorite musician being wiped from your memory (you wont even know he/she exists) which would you pick and why?

What is your favorite meal, the one meal that just makes your mouth water?

Tequila or whisky?

If you could get away with taking out one person in the world free of any kind of consequences who would it be?

Angst or fluff for your favorite writing style or favorite kind of story to read?

[lady-une]

Just trying to write the next installment of Betrayal and was messing with snap 😂 @obiwon-shenobi @park-jaybum @soul-less23

[lady-une]

Get To know me tag

I was tagged by @jijagi

Rules: Answer 30 questions then tag 20 Blogs

Nicknames: Angel, Ang, Angie, and devil. lol an ex and my first love use to call me his little devil. we are still really good friends to do this day. he owns a piece of my heart always and forever and i his. we just arent meant to be together and we are totally fine with that.

Gender: Female

Star sign: Sagittarius 

Height: 5′4″

Time: 8:48 PM

Birthday: December 16th

Favorite bands: BigBang, Got7, linkin park

Favorite solo artists: Jay Park, Gray, Loco, Simon Dominic, G.Soul, Sik-k, Elo, San E, eminem, hoody....lets just say all of AOMG and H1ghermusic artist

Song stuck in my head: Overthinking by offonoff

Last movie I watched: The Crazies

Last show I watched: i was feeling nostalgic so i put on death note

When did I create my blog: years ago, lol i cant remember when but i just started actually using it a few months ago.

What do I post: Its usually bigbang or anything related to jay park and AOMG. i love reading so i always share what i come across. kind of hoping that people will do the same for me.

Last thing googled: The Tokyo Ghoul trailer, i wanted to show it to my daughter to see if she wanted to go see it with me.

Do you have other blogs: No

Do you get asks: not really, i think i have gotten maybe 2. but those two made my whole fucking day! i welcome all and any asks.

Why did you choose your URL: So back in middle school me and a group of friends would watch anime together after school. one of them was gundam wing. we all had a character we liked and took on that character in a weird totally immature way. I had Heero Yuy but I got selfish and took on Une as well because i could relate to her in some ways. Usually on social media i go by Angel_une but for my writing and here I changed it to lady_une. If you find an account that is under angel_une or lady_une its a high chance that its mine lol.

Following: 101

Followers: 44, lol thats low compared to what i have been seeing on this game.

Favorite colors: Black, red, blue, purple

Average hours of sleep: I mean i aim for 7 hours but i wake up roughly 4 times if not more at night. the times change except for that 3am wake up call, never fails. so lets say maybe 5 hours.

Lucky number: whats lucky numbers? whats luck? i am probably the most unlucky person.

Instruments: none, my parents refused to pay for that.

What am I wearing: my long gray tank dress

How many blankets I sleep with: 2 for now, i refuse to break out the winter blankets

Dream job: no job lol, but if i had to work let me do special fx makeup for some good movies or shows.

Dream trip: Korea and Japan are the first two stops for me. Japan was my first love but it got bumped to number 2. after that let me just travel around Europe for a bit.

Favorite food: i make some bomb fried chicken, so lets just say that. if not that then superman ice cream.

Nationality: American

Favorite song right now: gosh thats hard. i have a few so yeah. lets just say LuvUHater by San E, Tattoo by Elo, money dont lie by Simon Dominic, Habibi by Sik-k, Bang bang bang by bigbang, and naked by taeyang, oh and mic drop by BTS (i blame my daughter for my growing affection towards BTS). Doom DADA and Turn It Up by TOP.

Tags: i feel like everyone has already done this one soooo im only going to tag a few. @tears-of-orphans @aomgworldwide @bobbyseyesmile @park-jaybum @fantasyworldbb @s-tttop