#people. someone can’t even deal with the revolving door of cancer diagnoses in my family or previously my mother and they jumped ship. which

[godblooded]

found a letter i wrote to my mother when i was about thirteen. number one: make it more obvious that i have no self-esteem and never have considering the letter starts with ‘i know i am a difficult child to raise’. number two: the whole letter is me talking about how much i admired and thought she was inspirational for having gotten a dream job she loved so much; about how she was doing an amazing job as a single parent. the kicker is i did this because every year i hoped if I said all these things to her maybe at one point she would seriously believe them. maybe at one point i could hope enough for the both of us and it would work. maybe one day all my encouragement and optimism would work, and we’d be what i wanted us to be to each other. she would be confident and loving and see her own successes and i would have a mother who finally understood the things she accomplished instead of always dwelling on her failures.

mostly i read that letter and now all i can do is cry because i keep asking myself, where did that person go, and how do i get them back?