#perpetual eyebags relatable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

subtletie · 7 years

Text

moon: what is your astrological sign? - Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon. Wouldn’t seem like it, since T moons are generally known for emotional stability while I am quite the opposite. This is likely due to my other, more problematic aspects coming into play. gingerbread: your moral alignment - Neutral. I have no significant inclinations towards good or evil. I am generally passive, though I will, more often than not, prefer to benefit myself at the expense of others when I gather the courage to do so. birdseed: family or friends? Neither, I tend to abhor both. On the odd occasion, I feel grandiose love and affection for some of them, but more often than not, it tends to fade back into resentment. sheets: your sexual orientation Mostly straight, though I appreciate beauty in every gender. I’m female, and I am (unfortunately) attracted to males (considering how awful they can be). warm milk: when do you usually fall asleep? Depends. If I’m exhausted, it can be as early as 7 pm, but usually no later than midnight. pot of honey: your gender identity. Cisgender Female. snow: what is your favorite time of year and why? I don’t think I have a favorite time of year anymore. I used to love the fall and Halloween. yarn: what are your most enjoyable hobbies? I don’t particularly enjoy much nowadays. If you count binge-eating as an enjoyable activity for a fraction of the time, I guess that would be it. bicycle: what are you talented at? Nothing in particular. Forcing myself to be academically responsible, perhaps, although my intellect has dulled greatly in the past few years. folktale: what stories remind you of your childhood? I would read plenty of fairytales as a child. There will always be a place in my heart for the Warrior Cats Series and some Disney. woods: where do you feel at peace? Like the name of this very prompt, the woods truly do make me feel at ease. Beautiful places generally produce a calming effect within me. chicken feet: what is your emotional “flaw”? I have many. Notoriously, I cannot repress negative thoughts or emotions all that well. If I feel sad, angry or hurt I let it be known. I can (rarely) go off on the person who hurt me, or let it all spill while talking to someone. I also react angrily towards the people who surround me. Dark emotions tend to eat me up inside and it burns to keep them there. This is likely a byproduct of repressing emotions throughout my younger years, which gradually lead me to become depressed. Due to the fact that I don’t want to be as sad as I used to be, I feel the need to let my demons escape through speech and writing. red cheeks: what makes you nervous? Many, many things. I am quite easily disturbed in terms of nervousness or anxiety. Speaking to someone new, eye contact with someone I am not comfortable with, talking about certain subjects, when someone notices that I become nervous or am acting strangely because I am anxious, feeling judged, etc. sunflower: what do you love and cherish? I don’t think I truly love anything. My feelings of “love” tend to be intermittent and obsessive. Let’s say, food during binges, liking someone new only for that feeling to falter as soon as they do something “wrong”, that feeling when I look at my body after slimming down, myself when I think I look pretty, and the list goes on. Perhaps my laptop would be the sole exception to this rule, as I appreciate it more so than any other living thing. bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most? Rainfall, without a doubt. The Cello fragment in one of my favorite songs, Midnight in a Perfect World, though I’m not sure if I should count this in, since it makes me feel rather nostalgic, above all things. turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday? So many things. Mostly Italian food though, it’s amazing. spit: do you get jealous easily? Yes. mushroom: list unique things you like about yourself. On those rare days in which I have the audacity to be vain: I like my long, curled eyelashes, my softly chiseled cupid’s bow, the golden flecks which dapple my otherwise ordinary brown eyes, my soft porcelain skin when it’s not scratched and damaged, the dimples beneath my ass, the delicate collarbones and the curve of my waist. I seem to love a lot about myself despite loathing my appearance the vast majority of the time. cupboard: a good childhood memory eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive? Physically, Mentally or Emotionally? These are the major aspects I take into account for attractiveness. Physically, I can be flexible, I can overlook this aspect when someone is incredibly attractive, both mentally and emotionally. I like traditionally masculine features, strong jawline, chiseled cheekbones, but I can appreciate a softer appearance as well. Mostly, the eyes do it for me. I love people with an intense, emotional gaze. I like lightly muscular bodies or those on the slimmer side. I prefer people who are at least 4 inches taller than me (I’m 5′3), they make me feel safer for some reason. I prefer shorter hair over longer, and I tend to appreciate formal attire over casual, too. I have a bit of an aversion towards reddish hair, though I could definitely get over this. (I used to like someone who had ginger hair and things didn’t end well). Mentally, someone who is inquisitive and thoughtful. Someone who knows when to pay attention to detail, is mature, level-headed, perceptive, passionate, assertive, patient, sweet and understanding. Preferably, someone who brings out the best in me. Emotionally, they should be kind, gentle, a balance between sentimentality and sobriety. A person who knows how to both support and motivate others and isn’t afraid to say what they’re feeling. fallen log: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would. I’ve never gotten over anything. Any trauma that has ever made its way into my life still churns within, gradually corroding my insides. Physically? I don’t know if I would say I never thought I’d heal, but I feared I’d never recover when I had Tuberculosis. dagger: your worst fear I’ve always felt it’s “bad luck” to talk about your worst fear. Mentioning it helps it materialize, and therefore, more likely to occur. whisper: do you have any secrets? Well, I used to masturbate tons before I got a UTI which pretty much wrecked me, since it hit me while I had a weakened immune system due to my being underweight. I masturbated thinking of a guy I really liked who I also remain somewhat close to. wild boar: which person do you feel closest to? I would have to say my mother. There is too much she doesn’t understand or care about, so I can’t truly say that she and I are truly close. I tell her a lot, mostly because I have nobody else to, but she is like a child in may ways and this frustrates me. Ideally, I would want to be closest to someone who could provide me with levelheaded insight about how to become a better person and how to deal with the more difficult aspects of life.

sweet: what candies or cakes are you fond of? I love, love, love apple pie. Chocolate fudge brownies are also amazing. footprints: do you remember your past lives? I don’t think I believe in past lives. If I did have one, however, I was likely an unfulfilled, unhappy soul just like I am now. Something tells me the person that I used to be was even more wretched than the one I am now. fur: name an animal you feel connected to. None at the time. Ages ago, I felt a connection to Tigers, but it’s all a farce. Allow me to explain. My concept of what a Tiger represents relates to everything that I wish I was, rather than what I truly am. I doubt this could be called a connection, but it’s the best I’ve got. In my mind, a Tiger would be powerful, leader like, assertive, confident, charismatic and bold. I am weakened, passive, lacking both passion and focus, preferring to revel in thought rather than action, insecure and absolutely self defeating. vodka: do you drink? No. I have an addictive personality, I’m afraid I’ll end up adding another self-destructive habit to my current repertoire. sour cherry: an obscure tradition from your family? None that I know of. pine needles: what is your favorite scent? I have a few. Lavender, roses and vanilla, just to name some of them. heart-shaped: do you believe in love? are you in love? I believe that love is fleeting. I’m talking about romantic love, when everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. I do not know whether or not I am truly capable of feeling love, though I do believe that other people might. My feelings of “love” are dauntingly obsessive, based on the perpetual idealization of the object of my affection. Needless to say, this is an undeniably unhealthy way to feel this “love” which is spoken of. In its better form, love can mean caring for someone even more than you care about yourself, wanting and supporting their wellbeing, teamwork, solidarity, intimacy, and making each other better people all around. A true balance would be the perfect love in my eyes. This is when two people complement each other, counteracting each others’ weaknesses and building up strengths. I was in “love” (read: obsessive idealization) with a “friend” a while ago. He does NOT feel the same way, this I know and I thought we could get along without there being any kind of romantic involvement. Boy, was I wrong. I started to feel things for him after us not talking for quite some time. He also has a girlfriend and I absolutely do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, and me only. I also wouldn’t feel at ease with myself knowing I helped rupture a relationship. It’s complicated and I’ve decided not to speak to him anymore. home: where do you dream of living? In a beautiful little town, within a one-story home that is both quaint and spacious with a feline friend or two. The walls are made of wood and sunlight flows in mingled with fresh air each morning. There’s an ocean view from my bedroom window and I don’t have to drive any sort of vehicle to move about. Alternatively, I could live in a bustling city in a medium sized apartment within a building with gorgeously traditional design. The city I live in is culturally rich, dappled with lovely little cafes all over. It’s a place where I can take nightly walks while feeling safe and where I never run out of things to discover and explore. I can visit museums and watch musicals tirelessly. I can work up the courage to talk to strangers every once in a while, making friends here and there. I can waste my endless supply of time whilst losing myself inside of labyrinthine little bookstores. spice: list your favorite herbs I don’t know, don’t think I’ve got any that are explicitly favorites. mud: something you’re insecure about but trying to love. My breasts, since they’re quite small. The fact that my legs are thick, despite the me being relatively slim. tobacco: do you have any addictions? Binge eating. sock: how would you describe your clothing taste? Mostly feminine, but casual. cuckoo clock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person? I used to be a morning person, evening now. wooden fence: a favorite memory. Going to the beach with my parents after school back when I was in elementary. I remember wearing my uniform and pulling up my pants so that I could play in the ocean waves. As dying sunlight stroked my face a salty breeze would tousle my gold flecked hair. The ocean waves were crisply cold and shallow as a stark contrast to idyllic warmth of that afternoon. My dad would smile and play with me along the shore while my mother sat by and watched us rejoice from afar.

Writing this really helped clear my head. March 24th, 2018.

#answer

0 notes