#phan flaff

[cas-tellation]

Not what you thought (I’m sorry, I didn’t know.) 2

last chapter - masterlist

TW// suicide mentions (kind of. Depending on how you look at it.) dan’s sad a lot. Mentions of drinking and all that. Stay safe xx

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The next Mmonday, Dan feels heavy. There’s a weight somewhere in his chest and he can’t ignore it. It requires so much effort to just convince himself to get out of bed.

He doesn’t want to move.

He feels like crying, but no tears are coming.

What’s he going to do? Call him mum up to his room and state that he’s simply too ‘sad’ to go to school that day? Yeah, right.

He pulls on a pair of jeans and glances around the room for his binder.

Later, when he’s all packed up and binded down, he trudges downstairs. He leaves without telling his parents or eating breakfast. In truth, neither of those things seem important right now.

His legs are heavy as if bricks have been tied to them.

He can make it through this day. Tomorrow will be better. Just make it through the day.

-

Apparently, making it through the day was harder than it seemed.

Lunch ended half an hour ago and he still can’t find the will to stand up. He had meant to go  and read a book for the hour, but now the book lies in the dirt beside him, discarded.  

“Hey,” a voice reaches Dan’s ears.

Dan turns his head to face the newcomer, “Oh.”

“Oh?” The person says, smirking slightly before sitting down beside Dan, their shoulders mere inches apart.

“Nothin’.” Dan murmurs.

“What’s wrong?” tThe boy says, reaching his hand out towards Dan’s face -, as if he was about to push the curly hair away from his eyes -, before thinking better of it and jerking his hand back.

“M’fine,” Dan groans, crossing his arms.

“You don’t look fine,” hHe points out.

Dan thinks, ‘That’s not a very nice thing to say,’ and then, ‘It’s true though, isn’t it?’ He speaks neither of these thoughts.

“What’s your name?” The person asks, in a tone far too soft for a stranger.

When Dan doesn’t respond, he says, “I’m Phil.”

-

Phil, as it turns out, wasn’t shaken that easily.

He was there again the next day, sat on the dusty ground in Dan’s spot. He greets Dan with a soft smile and a, “Hello.”

Dan eyes him warily, but sits down nonetheless, “Hi.”

Dan doesn’t need to look at Phil to know that his bright blue eyes had lit up, “He talks!”

“Of course I talk, you nerd,” Dan mutters under his breath, though it’s loud enough for Phil to hear.

“No you didn’t, not yesterday,” Phil states quickly, fishing a brown paper bag out of his backpack.

“Yes, I did,” Dan protests weakly.

“Nonono, you didn’t. I was like ‘hi hi, hello friend, my name’s Phil,’ and you were just like; ‘grumble grumble I’m not gonna tell this weirdo my name,’” Phil says, pulling a sandwich out of the bag and handing half to Dan.

“Thanks,” Dan says through a mouthful of sandwich, “I’m Dan, by the way.”

“Danny,” Phil grins widely at him.

“No, we’re not at the stage of friendship where you can call me Danny,” Dan chides, yet a smile finds its way onto his face anyway.

“Will we ever be at that stage of friendship?” Phil questions.

“I don’t know. Stick around and see,” Dan offers.

Phil shuffles a bit closer to him, “Okay, I will.”

-

It’s all too much. There’s a consistent voice in his head, telling him that he’s not enough - not a boy.

His mind always settles on Nicole.

She felt like safety - a security blanket, you might say.

The first time he had seen her, he had been nine years old. It was a rainy day, and he had forgotten his jacket. The cold bit at him, making him shiver and tug his saturated jumper closer to his body, which just made him colder. His nose was running and his long hair was all tangled.

Then, the rain seemed to disappear. There’s a girl standing beside him - maybe a year older - holding an umbrella over his head.

She had said: “You’re the new kid… Yazi, right?”

Dan had replied: “Yeah, thanks.” and gestured up towards the umbrella.

“No problem, I’m Nicole,” she smiled, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

Nicole had walked him home. At first he had protested, not wanting her to go out of her way for him. But as it turned out, she lived on the same street as him, only a few houses down. Dan had been so busy with moving that he hadn’t noticed any other kids living near his new house.

It had become a part of his day after that. He’d wait by the gates of the school for Nicole - who was usually a bit late leaving her classes, or was busy with other friends, then she’d walk him home. After a few weeks she even came into his house with him.

Before two months had passed, she was waking up early to eat breakfast at Dan’s house. She’d spend almost all her time there, to the point where Dan’s parents were calling her their ‘second daughter.’

-

The next day, Phil’s sitting there behind the school when Dan arrives during his lunch hour. But this time, Phil’s not alone. A few people were with him, cigarettes between their lips, leaning against the side of the building. Dan almost chokes on the scent of the smoke. He hates the way that he loves it.

Phil’s easily conversing with them, his eyes not flickering to where Dan stood, at the corner, undecided. The smoke reminds him of Nicole. The taste of it on her mouth, mixed with booze.

He backs away quickly, slipping back inside the school building to hide in one of the men’s washrooms until the bell rings.

-

Dan skypes Nicole that night. Maybe it’s because he misses her as a person or maybe it’s because so many things during the day had reminded him of her, and he needs to make sure that she’s okay.

She is. Okay, that is. Kind of, at least.

Her face is pixelated through the thin screen of Dan’s laptop, but he can still see as she smiles at him brightly, “How’re you doing, Dan?”

His stomach flutters. He’s not sure if it’s because this is Nicole, or because she just called him Dan.

He grins, shuffling back on his bed so that he was resting up against the wall, crossing his legs and balancing his laptop on his legs, “I’m good, how are you?”

“Cut the bullcrap,” Nicole’s parting her hair, braiding small chunks of it, “Tell me with more detail, how are you?”

Dan sighs heavily, “I dunno, I guess I’m still just trying to process everything.”

“D’you think that you’ll be happy there… In time?” sShe asks gently.

“Yeah- It’s just all new and weird right now,” he pauses, “It’s definitely a lot different without you here.”

Her eyes are full of understanding as a soft smile lights up her face, “It’s different here, too,” A long pause, then, “I wish you didn’t move.”

Dan says, “I miss you too.”

“Can I come to visit you? Where do you live?”

Dan’s face falls a bit, “My parents hate you.”

“And I hate them, too,” Nicole says defiantly, “We can go out for coffee or something. Please?”

“I- uh. Yeah, of course,” hHe falters for a second, then rattles off the address to a coffee shop near his house.

“Next weekend?” Nicole asks, “Like, Saturday?”

“Yeah,” Dan murmurs, “That’ll work.”

They talk for about an hour, about anything and everything. It feels refreshing, like a cold shower on a hot day.

He says, “I love you,.” wWhen his mum yells at him from downstairs, telling him to go to sleep.

She says, “Love you too, babe.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

-

It’s cold outside the coffee shop. It reminds him of when he first met Nicole. Except that this time he had brought a huge winter coat, \there wasn’t any rain, and he was in Manchester instead of London.

Nichole was supposed to meet him here at 2:00pm, and now it was fifteen minutes past that. Then again, when had she ever been early, or on time, for that matter? Besides, he didn’t mind waiting.

Ten minutes later and someone was barreling into him, wrapping their arms around his shoulders and squeezing tightly. Her black hair is as long as ever, her head tucked into his neck. His arms wind their way around her waist, holding her close.

They rock back and forth slowly, neither of them really paying attention to how long they’re there for.

Eventually, Nicole mumbles something that sounds like, “Fuck you, Dan, I missed you so fucking much, you little fuck,” and pulls back.

“I missed you, too,” Dan smiles.

“Of course you did, loser,” she teases, “let's go get something to drink before we freeze.”

Dan holds the door open for her and pays for their drinks after they order. Nicole tells him that he doesn’t have to, but he does anyway.

The window by their seat is so fogged up that they can barely see out of it. Nicole draws a smiley face on it.

“So,” she starts, “How’re you doing?”

“Oh my fuck, are you really going to ask me that every time we interact?” Dan snaps, though there is a hint of humour to his voice.

“Yes,” she says, “I’m your therapist now. Tell me all your problems and somehow miraculously -through talking -they will disappear,” she mocks.

“Bye-bye depression, anxiety, and crippling dysphoria,” Dan sips at his coffee, “T’was nice knowing you, but I’ve talked enough and now you’re gone.”

“I wish it worked that way,” Nicole says seriously. She hooks her foot around Dan’s ankle.

“Yeah,” he agrees.

Nicole grimaces when she takes a big gulp of her hot chocolate, “Fuck, that’s hot,” she swallows it anyway.

“Hot like you,” Dan kind-of jokes, winking exaggeratedly.

“Oh, please. Don’t mock me.”

“You love it.”

“No, the only thing I love here is you,” she flirts back easily, trying to keep a straight face. They both end up dissolving into giggles.

“I hate you,” Dan gasps out.

“You too,” Nicole shoots back.

Dan draws a tree onto the condensation on the windows. Nicole adds fire to its branches. Dan draws a person standing under the tree and Nicole draws the rope around its neck, elongating the trunk of the tree to make it look like the person is being hung.

It takes a long time for Dan to finish his coffee. He says that it’s just because it’s hot, but really, it’s because he wants to draw out his time with Nicole as long as he can. She’s doing the same thing.

An hour passes and they can no longer pretend to have any of their drink left. Nicole has a bus and a train to catch. Dan has to go home before his parents wonder where he is, butut they don’t want to leave.

“You look good,” Nicole’s saying as they leave the coffee shop, “Really masculine. I love it.”

Dan’s cheeks heat up with red, “Thanks,” he stammers awkwardly, “you look good, too.”

“Of course I do,” Nicole flips her hair, then goes serious again. She sighs, “I’m really going to miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” Dan assures her, opening his arms for a hug.

“I love you,” she whispers into his shoulder.

“Love you, too,” he tightens his arms around her, “Fuck. I love you so much.”

“I’ll come back. We can do this again, or you can come to London and we can get drunk and do whatever the hell we want…” she rambles.

“You’re going to miss your train,” Dan says, rubbing her back.

“I don’t want to leave. Don’t make me leave? I hate it back there,” she bites down on the fabric of Dan’s coat.

“You have to go,” he points out.

She’s the one who pulls back, though she keeps her arms wrapped loosely around Dan’s waist. She leans forwards, gently pecking him on the lips.

“Bye, Dan.”

And then, she’s gone. Like the smoke that she likes putting in her lungs. There one second, gone the next.

Dan stands there -dumbstruck -for a good five seconds before he remembers that breathing is a thing that he needs to do in order to survive.