#philadelphiadining

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Lazy Philadelphia Reviews: Serpico

Hello. This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review of Serpico. I ate dinner there the other night.

Serpico is a restaurant. You might think that it is an Italian restaurant. That is because I thought it was an Italian restaurant but it is not an Italian restaurant.

Okay I was really excited for Serpico but mostly that is because, like I mentioned, I thought that it is an Italian restaurant and that is probably my favorite kind of food besides beer. But it is a Korean small plates French inspired “inspired” small plates cuisine destination kind of thing. And usually small plates don’t cost $38 dollars each and yet here we are folks.

Also Serpico sounds like Scorpio which is the name of the killer in Dirty Harry and that movie kicks awesome in the ass and whistles in its ears.

Ok so I went to Serpico with 3 (three) other people which is weird for me because I do not have any friends. So the first thing the waiter says is “have you dined with us before” and I always lie and say yes because I don’t like the wait staff ever thinking I am some punkass first timer bro I aint no punk bitch. But he could tell that I was already confused by the menu, probably because I was holding it upside down and saying “Interesting!” a lot.

OK so the waiter suggests that each person order 5 plates (of food) each and after looking at the prices for awhile and doing some quick math in my head, I decided to take out a reverse mortgage on the house my father built that he still lives in to be able to eat there.

I let all the other people I was with do the ordering. That is because every item on the menu sounds super gross.

(before I continue let me just say that this was one of the best meals that I have ever had in my life. But this is not sincere and insightful reviews. This is lazy reviews. Let’s get back to talking shit.)

Ok so yea everything sounds fucking weird and gross. Like the dude was like “the special tonight is a 5 minute egg, which is a rotten old egg that we hard boil and it turns brown then we leave it on the counter over night then throw 15 different kinds of mushrooms on it and it looks ridiculous and you’re going to love it. That’s for 47 dollars.”

So obviously we got that.

We also got something called egg custard and chicken and snail lasagna which features both chicken and…you guessed it…snails. Like I am serious that everything has at least one fucked up confusing element to it but by the time we ordered I already had like 4 whiskey drinks and I would have eaten cat food at that point and I am not positive that I didn’t and I probably loved it.

Other things I got that I don’t understand: ceviche, some sort of meat tataki, (all of those things are raw) and like, salmon, then short ribs, then like…some egg thing seriously man I don’t really know it all happened really fast and I generally prefer food that is, you know, cooked, so like I just kept my mouth shut except to put food in there.

OK so finally the dude comes around again and he is like “would you like to look at the dessert menu” and I was just like just bring all the desserts nothing you say makes sense anyways. So he brought them all OH this was the best part! Then they brought us these four little “digestif” after dinner licorice liquoure drinks with a little lemon slice in it and I was like THANKS and I hammered that thing down like it was a shot of Jagermeister, which apparently I was not supposed to do because everyone in the entire establishment started pointing and laughing at me like that scene at the end of Carrie where she is prom queen and she gets blood poured on her and everyone laughs and points it was awesome lol.

Then they brought out the bill and that was very depressing!

Okay so all in all, it seems like Italian but it is not. Also everything sounds gross but it is all actually really good!

Serpico! I hope you’re rich! Don’t tell my dad I sold his house!

This has been Lazy Philadelphia Reviews: Serpico by Elliot.

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Lazy Philadelphia Review: Zahav

Hello this is Lazy Philadelphia Reviews and this is my review of Zahav. I went there. So yeah.

So you would like to go to Zahav! Congratulations! You can’t! I have bad news for you, it is impossible to go to Zahav. But since I went like three to four times already you should use this opportunity to eat vicariously through me because it’s BOOKED well into the next decade. Actually if you are expecting a child currently, you should just have them put down the name of your unborn child on the wait list so that he or she could potentially be able to get a spot at the bar after he or she graduates college, as a celebration dinner. Congratulations, Little Jimmy!! Still not sure why you named your daughter Little Jimmy but it’s your life.

 Zahav is inspired middle eastern food. Inspired is a great adjective to use when you are writing because it doesn’t really mean anything but people seem to think it does so I pepper it in A LOT.

Okay so when I went to Zahav it was a spur of the moment thing. It is a really nice restaurant and I was wearing shorts, vans, a ripped t shirt and it was pouring rain outside so I was soaked. They IMMEDIATELY gave me a spot at the bar. I am pretty positive that they thought I was extremely famous rock-star because only someone very rich and famous could care so little about their physical appearance in such a fancy restaurant. Either that or they thought I was from that tv show Undercover Boss and that I was going to fire everyone’s ass on the spot. Or maybe just a handsome mentally handicapped vagrant? I dunno but the point is I lucked out this time.

Okay so first thing about Zahav is that it is very nice inside but not like pretentious. The tables are made of like…tile? Stone? I am not great at material identification. There is a lot of visible wood. Visible Wood is a good name for a rock band but that is besides the point right now. Also the music inside is unexpected. I heard a Tears for Fears song that I love and I was like “huh. I love this song.” The wait staff is all very knowledgabe and friendly and professional and they all wear light blue button down shirts and when you put all of these facts together it is basically like you are eating a meal at the GAP.

Ok so Zahav offers a tasting menu that is like 45 dollars, but then again you could get most of the same things for less than that if you order them…separately…which makes Zahav a great choice if you like to do math when you’re hungry.

Also they love to feed you wine at Zahav so do what I do and just drink all the wine that they offer you because they almost always give you a free glass of wine so just enjoy the experience like I did and then even have some Gran Marnier for dessert and then go home and get the spins in your girlfriend’s bed.

OK so if you want to talk about the food at Zahav you have to start at the hummus. It is one of the best things I have ever ate and there are no jokes about that it’s just really good.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled jokes.

Here’s where it gets kinda weird. Even though the hummus is probably the best thing you will ever eat, every other entrée has at least one ingredient that is completely baffling. Like to the point of you wonder how a person would even eat that. For example it’s like “Falaffel balls with tahini and cucumber with a side of a duck farts sealed inside a Ziploc bag.” Or like “Matzo ball soup sprinkled generously with crushed up bits of that one SPICE GIRLS CD everyone had back in 1998” like it just doesn’t make sense to me really but to be honest after that hummus I don’t think I really even cared also I was on like my 5th glass of wine and I was more interested in whether or not there was a froyo place in walking distance if I was somehow able to walk without wobbling directly into oncoming traffic.

So then you get the bill and you stare at it awhile and then you do math again and try to figure out who screwed up and then you’re like “oh yeah I remember now I DID order the pizza roll stuffed red snapper served in a Seattle Mariners batting helmet for 37.50” and then you get a little sad but hey…cheer up slugger, you just ate at Zahav! The hottest inspired Mediterranean middle eastern food dispensary in Society Hill! Enjoy your inspired bed spins!

Zahav! Don’t even bother trying!

Ok this has been Lazy Philadelphia Reviews: Zahav by Elliot.