#please do not talk to me for the forseeable future this was a TRIAL to make good lord

[khaoray]

How about we become friends with benefits? You want that? Well, what are the rules between us? Simple.

@asiandramanet event 07: comfort @asiandramanet may bingo: visibility & animation @userdramas creator bingo: purple, team colour, key frames, transition & animation

[salt-moon]

empty.

I have been on Balmung for a year.

Over the course of that year I have learned more than I ever thought possible.  Lessons I never dreamed a roleplay server could teach me.  But I did learn them.  Sometimes the hard way, sometimes in the most beautiful way.  I've met so many amazing people.  I've laughed, I've schemed, I've cried, I've had my heart broken.  I've had it mended time and time again by people here, on this server.  By the community itself.  By the sheer energy of it.  Not to mention, of course, by the game itself.  Square Enix has created such an amazing thing, and I daresay they will never truly understand that.

I've gotten a bit off track, I think, but I will warn you ahead of time that this will likely be a long post.  Most of it will probably be a rambling, unfocused monologue, but I need to write it out.

Since summer of last year, I have met a few people on Balmung that I would have considered myself quite close to.  Roleplaying, head canoning, chatting literally every day, both in voice and text, running content, and even providing comfort to one another in times of trial.  I'll add here that I don't have very many friends "in real life" and certainly none in my area.  Life is such that my flesh and blood friends, so to speak, are scattered all over the country, and in fact the world.  So... meeting these people who, out of the thousands upon thousands that call Balmung home... I felt that was a pretty amazing thing.  Somehow in that sea of people, I found a precious few that I clicked with.  Ones I could confide in, tell secrets to, dream up fantasies, collude with.  Ones that knew aspects of my life that most others did not.

In some of these relationships (perhaps all of them), I have made mistakes.  I am only human, however.  In some of these relationships, the other party has made mistakes.  Likewise, only human.  I value communication and have always tried my best to be honest and forthcoming, to work through any differences or disagreements or misunderstandings.  This, in fact, was something my therapist taught me is necessary.  Because you see, until recently I would refuse to put energy into a friendship that was wrought with arguments.  I always thought, "This is my friend, why would we argue?  What's the point?  I don't want to hurt my friend."  Come to find out, arguments are normal.  Healthy, even.  So I have come a long way in re-teaching myself to tackle things head on and try to resolve conflicts as they occur.

At the end of the day though (and please understand I am absolutely NOT discounting those friends I have made that I don't happen to talk to constantly), everyone that I have let deep inside of my thick outer shell has ultimately... disregarded my friendship.  My feelings.  My energy.  My heart.  My commitment to the relationship.  And the last recent blows to my ego have cracked straight into my soul.  At this point in my life, both "IRL" and here on Balmung, I cannot help but consider myself fundamentally flawed.  Intrinsically impaired.  That something I am doing prevents me from being good enough.  That I am, at the root of me, a bad person.  That I simply cannot be truly loved and accepted for who I am.

Two years ago I went through a traumatic experience.  I didn't really realize at the time that it was so traumatic.  For a year after that, I sort of unknowingly spiraled further and further down into depression and anxiety, and once I realized it I was in quite the state.  For the past year (yes, the year I spent on Balmung) I have been recovering and doing a damn fine job of it if I may say so myself.  But little by little, the heartbreak from the friends I have lost has chipped away at the mental health I worked so hard to rebuild.  And now... I can only assume that I was never a worthy, kind, caring person to begin with.  Now I can only assume that... I'm a terrible person.

As far as being on Balmung goes... my FC recently picked up and transferred to Mateus.  I wasn't a part of the decision.  No meeting was held to discuss what everyone would like.  This has insanely been hard on me.  I have decided, however, to remain here on the server despite the bad experiences I have had.  Running solves nothing.  Drama is everywhere, server issues are everywhere.  Occasionally I will run by someone in game that I no longer speak to.  It's weird.  It kind of hurts.  It's awkward.  But there are far more people here who are kind to me.  Far more people I haven't even met.  Far more people who are understanding and willing to stick things out for friends.

I can only hope that those people will become closer to me, and maybe stick around this time.

On another note.  Due to all this, due to Stormblood, due to simply needing to heal from my wounds, I will not be roleplaying with anyone other than my husband for the forseeable future.  I will still reblog things to tumblr, and maybe post screenshots.  I will be deleting all my inbox asks, and for that I apologize.  I truly adore sending, posting, receiving, and answering asks, but it's not something I want hanging over my head right now.  I don't have any kind of timetable for when I might start again, or if I will ever start again.  I also don't know how much I'll be in game for a while.  I really hope that you guys don't lose interest in my characters.  I love interacting with you all.  I just... I'm kind of gutted right now.

I guess that's all I have to say.  I'm extremely fragile and vulnerable and... well, wounded right now.  You're welcome to reply to this post if you like, but please don't reblog it.  I'm not even reblogging it to Char or Sahti's blog. ( @house-mercaiges and @sahti-nhubalu )

Thank you, all my followers, acquaintances, and friends, who haven’t run for the hills yet.  Sometimes the most wonderful things are right under our noses and we only have ourselves to blame for not seeing them.

Anyway.  Yeah.  Thanks for reading.  o7