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mrsteveecook · 6 years

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my coworker plays Christian rock all day, contacting strangers on LinkedIn, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker plays Christian rock all day

I was recently moved from a private office to a shared office with one other member of my team, Lily. I tend to work in silence most of the time, but Lily likes to have music going at all times. I don’t have a problem with that – I like music, I just don’t keep it running all day when left to my own devices. We talked about it when we first moved into our shared office, and I agreed to having music on in our office. It’s always her music, since she comes in before I do, so by the time I come in her music is already playing. I wouldn’t mind that, even, if it were something generic.

But it turns out that she specifically listens to Christian music. Not even just vaguely Christian pop, which I could probably ignore, but songs I recognize from many years ago when my parents tried to get me more interested in church by taking me to the “alternative” services. They’re basically hymns, with lyrics talking about “the precious blood of Jesus Christ” and “Jesus, Lord of all” and things like that. (There’s even a contemporary-ish version of that old Sunday School classic “Jesus Loves Me”!)

I am really, really, really not Christian. I’m a pagan and a witch, and I have some old “bad blood” with Christianity based on my experiences with it in the past. So being inundated with Christian music all day is quickly starting to drive me up a wall. For bonus points, it’s a pretty short playlist, so it’s not uncommon to end up hearing the same song two or three, or even four times in a single day, and the repetition is making it even more irritating.

I have earbuds that I can put in and drown it out with my own music, but I can’t wear them for more than about an hour without them starting to hurt my ears, so they only help so much – plus, wearing them makes me feel isolated from my surroundings in an anxiety-provoking sort of way, which is good when I need to focus on something but not pleasant the rest of the time. So unfortunately, relying on being able to shut out her music with headphones is not a viable solution for me.

Ordinarily I’d just use one of the scripts you’ve provided in the past for office music and other noise disputes, but the specifically religious aspect of this is making me wary. I genuinely wouldn’t mind letting her pick the music 99% of the time if it were pretty much anything else, but it’s specifically the religious content of it that’s bothering me, and I worry that explicitly saying so would be perceived as me attacking her religion. Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to stick to secular music when I’m in the office? How do I phrase that in a way that is respectful of her religion while still basically asking her to keep said religion to herself? Lily is a great coworker and we usually get along really well, so I don’t want to sour things between us, but this is not working for me at all and I’d like to do something before I get more frustrated.

It is absolutely reasonable for you to ask her to stick to secular music in your shared office. It would be unreasonable if you asked her not to wear a cross or not to quietly pray before eating; those are things she has a legal right to do at work. But this is music in your shared office, and you aren’t legally required to accept being bombarded with religious hymns all day long. If she really wants to listen to it herself, headphones would make that possible for her to do without making you listen too.

You can say it this way: “I know you prefer to listen to music during the day, which I can work with. But can I ask that you stick to secular music?” You could stop there, or you could add, “I’m not totally comfortable with religiously themed music and it’s pretty distracting for me.” This is a perfectly respectful thing to say, and if Lily is indeed a lovely person, she might be disappointed but she shouldn’t freak out or resent you.

But if she protests, then you can say, “How about I try to come up with some playlists that we both might like? I’m sorry I didn’t realize in advance when we talked about playing music in there that so much of it would be religious. But I’m sure we can find a compromise — or we can always switch to headphones if you’d prefer that.”

2. Can I contact strangers on LinkedIn who used to work for the companies I’m considering working at?

I am currently on the job hunt and primarily have worked at huge, well-known corporations. Some of the companies I’m deep into the interview process with are smaller and have very little information about them on Glassdoor, which is always what I use to look for red flags/inform my decision. I have avoided some terrible places just by researching Glassdoor reviews.

Is it considered too risky or bad etiquette to reach out to folks on LinkedIn who have worked at a company/team in the past that you’re interested in joining (for insight on what it’s like or if they’d recommend/avoid it)? Or is there a way you can approach them without it seeming overly intrusive/making them feel uncomfortable?

Some people would be comfortable talking candidly with a stranger who contacted them out of the blue, but a lot wouldn’t. You’d be asking them to potentially divulge perspectives that they wouldn’t want getting back to their former employer, and a lot of people won’t want to take that risk for a stranger. That’s especially true if you’re asking them to respond in writing (via LinkedIn or in email), but the way around that is for a phone call, which a lot of people will see as a big request for a stranger. The better way to do this, if you can, is to use LinkedIn to find people in your network who are connected to the people you want to contact. It doesn’t even need to be a direct connection; if you see that someone you know is connected to someone who’s connected to the person you want to talk to, that’s usually enough to get you an introduction if you explain what you’re interested in. And people are generally a lot more likely to talk candidly with someone who comes through their network like that.

If you can’t do that because you can’t find any connections, you can still try your original idea. It just might not be as fruitful.

3. My coworker said she finds me draining and gave me a book to read

A coworker just came into my office and in front of my officemate told me that she wanted to acknowledge that ever since she met me she’s felt intense discomfort and found me physically draining. She handed me a book about empaths. She then told me that the reason she didn’t feel at ease around me was because I might be an empath. She wants me to read the book and we can talk about it at any time. I’m not sure what to think. My office mate thought this person was incredibly awkward, rude, and the whole scenario was hilarious.

Awkward and rude is a good conclusion. You should feel free to ignore the coworker’s request that you read the book. If she requests it again, you can just say, “Oh, no thanks!”

I suppose it’s worth thinking about whether you might have interacted with her in a way that a reasonable person could find uncomfortable and draining — and I’d certainly limit your optional interactions with her in the future — but I wouldn’t put a ton of weight on this.

4. Dealing with a separation when I’m close to my coworkers

I work with a small team and we’re all reasonably close. We don’t hang out all the time, but we’ll talk and joke during the day, hang out at work events, and attend the occasional outside-of-work holiday or Halloween party or grab drinks as friends. This means they all know a reasonable amount about my personal life, which brings me to my question.

My husband and I are separating right now and it’s incredibly painful. No one at work currently knows, but I’m moving out soon which will make questions about him all the more upsetting. What’s worse is that my husband and I work for the same company (though not the same department so we never interact or even see each other unless we make a point of it).

How do I deal with the inevitable questions about him that come up? I feel really weird pretending everything is fine, but I feel like I don’t have any other option.

There’s also the fact that I’ve set a precedent for being really happy and open to talking about him and my personal life in the past so suddenly never wanting to discuss it may seem weird (I’ve worked with these people for 5+ years at this point so we know each other well).

Is there a tactful way to put a stopper on questions relating to my marriage? Do I just keep dodging and hope no one notices? Pretend it’s fine? I don’t know what the line is here, especially since we’re definitely closer than colleagues at most companies, but we’re not BFFs, either.

It’s entirely up to you! You can be vague if you want to — replying to “How’s Bob?” with “Oh, he’s fine,” etc. Or you can tell people — the next time someone asks about him, you can say, “Actually, we’re separated.” The thing that’s most likely to happen after that is that their face will fall and you’ll get a sympathetic reaction, and you can respond to that however you want — but one good option is, “I’m trying not to talk about it at work, of course, but we’re both hanging in there” followed by an immediate subject change.

You’ll probably only have to do this a few times and then word is likely to get around.

5. What’s up with employers looking for “humility”?

Here’s something that came up at a recent interview that I was hoping you could shed some light. I can’t tell if this is a new spin on an old concept or I’m just embittered and have had too many interviews to count.

I had a video interview this week for a program manager position. The interviewer (a woman who appeared to be in her 20’s or early 30’s) told me that the company culture required that people who worked there be “ego-less” (no divas … okay, fine) and be “humble.”

When I use the word “humble” in conjunction with a profession, I would be thinking of someone who is a priest, or spiritual leader. To me being humble in the workplace would mean being quiet and not taking credit, or letting other’s take credit for your work. I did reassure her that I was a team player and worked transparently, while sharing my knowledge with team, but that didn’t seem to be quite what she was looking for. This position ended up not being a good fit because what they needed was a people manager and I am an individual contributor. I’m kicking myself because I didn’t ask her what this meant to her/to her company. Since then I’ve seen a few job posts that mention being humble in their job descriptions/company culture.

Is this some sort of new hipster language for being a “team player” or is there something else going on? Seriously, I’ve spent years working on myself in therapy and trying to bump up my self esteem so I could get to a place where I can negotiate a fair salary, and stand up for myself when some of those overbearing types in the workplace try to get me down. The thought of parking all this or faking humility in order to get back to work is daunting to say the least.

I’m sure there are some employers out there touting “humility” as a way to say “we don’t want you to ask for a raise or ever assert yourself.” But lots of perfectly healthy workplaces use it to mean “not arrogant or cocky” and are trying to convey “we don’t want someone thinks they have all the answers, won’t listen to others, and doesn’t appreciate other people.” One of the best organizations I’ve worked with includes it in their core values and means it that way. And then still other employers use it because it’s a buzzword but it doesn’t reflect much of anything in their culture either way.

In general, I’d avoid reading too much into this kind of language choice unless it’s part of a pattern in what you’re seeing from the employer.