#post all your unhinged knowledge on ya birthboy

[bard-like]

lads I just had a birthday and I don't know what the FUCK I'm doin

I mean I know what I'm doin but I don't know what I'm doin on so many accounts:

1 ) HEALTH. am I healthy? I've been eating less and smoking a Lot. I just got an elliptical so I'm trying to move more and get my lungs moving. I still have the daydream about smashing my bong into pieces and giving up smoking by force. I'm sick of the tightness in my chest, I'm sick of the overthinking, I'm sick of my brain feeling like it's in the washing machine.

2 ) HOME. I want to be happy at home. I want to bring my parents peace of mind. but I also want to live my Self. I want to help them but I can't help them. I need to feel like I can separate work from home. I want to get an office but it will max out my budget for longer than I want; and money might get tight soon.

3 ) SOCIAL MEDIA. Generally? To hell with it. But I wanna make it better. I wanna make it how I want to make it: my thoughts, my progress, sharing experience, and reaching out. NOT advertising. NOT trying to be popular. same ol Stupid thoughts turned Real for the sake of making other laugh or relate to those who feel similarly. making fun stories and sharing them. taking stupid ideas and making them stupider with friends. I don't need to be my perfect self. I don't need to be a specific way. I wanna be my stupid slot machine personality of a self and explode ten-thousand ways and let those who wanna stay, stay. tumblr's a place where our fixations wander, people come and go, and we customize our shit, I'm not worried so much about that. but the book? god I gotta clear out people I don't want to hear from, and be the chatterbox I love to be with the people who understand me, or at least want to hear from me. I just need it changed.

4 ) MUSIC. I'm sitting by an instrument I want to practice, and a brand new instrument for fun. They're hobbies that bring me a sort of silence, a concentration that puts the noise of thoughts to rest. I want to do more of it. I want to be On myself to play a little each day. to think about it each day. It's something I want to share, too. It's something I want to grow. I gotta choose them over my other vices.

5 ) ART. When it comes to making the New Game, there's a lot of experimentation. I have a Plan but I feel like I'm staring at the start line. I really really really want to share this experience with you all, and I need to get over my perform-y perfectionist-y ways and just hit the Live button and have at it whenever I want to make progress. But that too feels like it needs a better routine schedule?? I'm fighting against my work hours and my Garbage Attention Span Pace to see what schedule works best for me. Of all things I just wish people WANTED a specific way about it, this day that day these hours this objective blahblahblah. it feels like I need a manager for F u n . T wT

6 ) GAMES. Same for this, I play a lot of stuff and sneak in 15-40min rounds of stuff all the time. There are plenty times I'd rather be streaming, but sometimes I get self-conscious about my friends/work seeing my 'slacking' in this or that. So my favorite thing ever became this guilty pleasure- when not long ago I was pretty damn okay with NEETing the fuck up and playing with friends forever. I wanna get rid of this guilt, and have FUN when playing. And I just know I have a lot more fun when it's sharing the game.

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my life is full of Things To Do. I'm just severely missing the time structure, and the timeplanning shit i'm trying to do aint cutting it. I want to fit all this in:

4-6 hours of Work [if assigned]

45min of Bass/Drums practice

60min of 3D modeling

2+ hours of project progress

some kinda exercise for an hour

and I know my dumbass will want to play a game in between those tasks. I haven't been able to get a day that yet. so far I've felt like I've been in Festivity month. There's so much I wanna do. and so much to move forward on.

but for the love of god someone get this schedule out of my hands